Chapter 2

BAR. I was going to fetch you, to beg for your opinion on a question of great importance to me.

DOC. You must be very ill-bred, very loutish, and very badly taught, my friend, to speak to me in that fashion, without first taking off your hat, without observing _rationem loci, temporis et personæ_. What! you begin by an abrupt speech, instead of saying _Salve_, vel _salvus sis, doctor doctorum eruditissime_. What do you take me for, eh?

BAR. Really, doctor, I am very sorry; the fact is that I am almost beside myself, and did not think of what I was doing; but I know you are a gallant man.

DOC. Do you know what _gallant man_ comes from?

BAR. It matters little to me whether it comes from Villejuif or Aubervilliers.

DOC. Know that the word _gallant man_ comes from _elegant_. By taking the _g_ and the _a_ of the last syllable, that makes _ga_; then by taking the two _ll_'s, adding _a_ and the two last letters _nt_, that makes _gallant_; then by adding _man_ you have _gallant man_. But to come back to what I said; What do you take me for?

BAR. I take you for a doctor. But let us speak a little of what I have to propose to you. You must know that ...

DOC. Let me tell you first that I am not only a doctor, but that I am one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten times doctor. Firstly, number one is the base, the foundation, and the first of all numbers; so am I the first of all doctors, the most learned of the learned. Secondly, there are two faculties essential for a perfect knowledge of things: the sense and the understanding; I am all sense, all understanding: ergo, I am twice doctor.

BAR. Agreed. What I want ...

DOC. Thirdly, according to Aristotle, the number three is that of perfection; I am perfect; and every thing I do is perfect: ergo, I am three times doctor.

BAR. Very well then, doctor....

DOC. Fourthly, philosophy is divided into four parts, logic, morals, physics, and metaphysics; I possess all four, and know them perfectly: ergo, I am four times doctor.

BAR. Deuce take it, I don't doubt it. Listen to me then.

DOC. Fifthly, there are five universals: the genus, the species, the differentia, the property, and the accident, without knowing which it is impossible to arrive at any satisfactory conclusions; I make great use of them, and know how important they are; ergo, I am five times doctor.

BAR. I must have patience.

DOC. Sixthly, number six is the number of work; I work incessantly for my own glory; ergo, I am six times doctor.

BAR. Well, well, speak as long as you like.

DOC. Seventhly, the number seven is the number of bliss; I possess a perfect knowledge of all that can produce happiness, and by my talents am happy myself. I am therefore forced to say of myself: _O ter quaterque beatum!_ Eighthly, the number eight is the number of justice, on account of the equality which is found in it; the justice and prudence with which I measure and weigh all my actions make me eight times doctor. Ninthly, there are nine Muses, and I am equally the favourite of them all. Tenthly, one cannot pass number ten without repeating all the other numbers, and it is the universal number. Similarly, when people have found me, they have found the universal doctor; and I am in myself all the other doctors together. Thus, with the help of these plausible, true, demonstrative, and convincing reasons, you see that I am one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten times doctor.

BAR. What the deuce does he mean by all this? I thought I had found a clever man who would give me good advice, and I find a chimney-sweep, who, instead of speaking to me, plays at mora.[1] One, two, three, four--ha! ha!--ha! ha! Come, come, that's not it; you must listen to me, and remember that I am not a man to make you lose your time; I shall make it worth your while, and if you can satisfy me in what I want of you, I will give you what you wish--money, if you like.

DOC. Ha! money?

BAR. Yes, money; and whatever you may ask besides.

DOC. (_sharply, tucking up his gown behind him_). Then you take me for a man who would do anything for money, for a man fond of money, for a mercenary soul? Know, my friend, that if you were to give me a purse full of gold, and that this purse were in a rich box, this box in a precious case, this case in a superb chest, this chest in a rare museum, this museum in a magnificent apartment, this apartment in a gorgeous castle, this castle in a wonderful citadel, this citadel in a celebrated town, this town in a fertile island, this island in an opulent province, this province in a flourishing monarchy, this monarchy in the whole world;[2] that if you gave me the world in which this flourishing monarchy would be, in which this opulent province would be, in which this fertile island would be, in which this celebrated town would be, in which this wonderful citadel would be, in which this gorgeous castle would be, in which this pleasant apartment would be, in which this rare museum would be, in which this wonderful chest would be, in which this precious case would be, in which this rich box would be, in which the purse full of gold would be, I should care no more for it than this (_snaps his fingers and exit_).

BAR. Well. I made a mistake. Seeing him dressed as a doctor, I felt that of necessity I must speak of money to him; but since he does not want any, nothing can be more easy than to satisfy him. I'll run after him. (_Runs out._)