Part 1
Produced by Annie McGuire. This book was produced from scanned images of public domain material from the Internet Archive.
The Idiot at Home
By John Kendrick Bangs
Illustrated by F. T. Richards
NEW YORK AND LONDON HARPER & BROTHERS _Publishers_ 1900
BY THE SAME AUTHOR.
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THE BOOMING OF ACRE HILL. Illustrated. 16mo, Cloth, $1.25.
THE ENCHANTED TYPEWRITER. Illustrated by PETER NEWELL. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.
COFFEE AND REPARTEE and THE IDIOT. 1 vol. Illustrated. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.
THE DREAMERS: A CLUB. Illustrated by EDWARD PENFIELD. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.
A REBELLIOUS HEROINE, A Story. Illustrated by W. T. SMEDLEY. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, Uncut Edges, $1.25.
A HOUSE-BOAT ON THE STYX. Illustrated by PETER NEWELL. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.
THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT. Illustrated by PETER NEWELL. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.
PASTE JEWELS. Being Seven Tales of Domestic Woe. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.00.
GHOSTS I HAVE MET, AND SOME OTHERS. With Illustrations by NEWELL, FROST, and RICHARDS. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.
THE BICYCLERS, AND THREE OTHER FARCES. Illustrated, 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.
PEEPS AT PEOPLE. Illustrated by EDWARD PENFIELD. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.
MR. BONAPARTE OF CORSICA. Illustrated by H. W. MCVICKAR. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental, $1.25.
THE WATER GHOST, AND OTHERS. Illustrated. 16mo, Cloth, Ornamental $1.25.
THREE WEEKS IN POLITICS. Illustrated. 32mo, Cloth, Ornamental, 50 cents.
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NEW YORK AND LONDON: HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS.
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Copyright, 1900, by JOHN KENDRICK BANGS.
TO "MISS BANGS OF LONDON"
FROM "MR. BARNES OF NEW YORK"
CONTENTS
PAGE I. BY WAY OF INTRODUCTION 1 II. A LITTLE DINNER TO SOME OLD FRIENDS 21 III. IN THE LIBRARY 43 IV. AS TO A SMALL DINNER 63 V. ON THE MAINTENANCE OF AN ATTIC 84 VI. THE IDIOT'S GARDEN 105 VII. HOUSEHOLD POETRY 125 VIII. SOME CONSIDERATION OF THE HIRED MAN 145 IX. ON SOCIAL ACCOUNTS 165 X. AS TO SANTA CLAUS 185 XI. AS TO NEW-YEAR'S DAY 205 XII. SOME DOMESTIC INTENTIONS 228 XIII. A SUBURBAN COMPLICATION 249 XIV. SOME CONSIDERATION OF THE MOTH 269 XV. SOME CONSIDERATION OF THE BURGLAR 288 XVI. CONCLUSION 301
ILLUSTRATIONS
PAGE JOHN KENDRICK BANGS _Frontispiece_ "POSSESSED A LIBRARY OF FIRST EDITIONS" 5 "'THEY NEVER HAD THE FUN OF BUYING THEM'" 9 "'GUARANTEED TO HANG ONTO A GARMENT IN A GALE'" 13 "'AND SOME PEOPLE SAY WAGNER IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT'" 17 "TOMMY AND MOLLIE GAVE THE COOK A GREAT DEAL OF TROUBLE" 23 "'LET THE FATHERS LOOK AFTER THE CHILDREN AT NIGHT'" 29 "A LITTLE FIGURE CLAD IN WHITE" 35 "'I'D RATHER BE SPANKED THAN NOT NOTICED AT ALL'" 39 "'I DID NOT SMOKE UNTIL I WAS FIFTY'" 45 "'SMOKING KEEPS INSECTS FROM THE PLANTS'" 49 "THE BIBLIOMANIAC WAS INVESTIGATING THE CONTENTS OF THE LOWER SHELVES" 53 "'I PREFERRED TO PAY THE $49.50'" 57 "THE COOK HAD TAKEN WINGS ONTO HERSELF" 65 "'TWO BIG BOXES OF POTATOES, A CAN OF FRENCH PEASE, AND A BOTTLE OF SARSAPARILLA'" 69 "'THE PEOPLE DOWN-STAIRS BORROWED OUR DINING-ROOM CHAIRS'" 75 "'WHO WAS IT?' ASKED MRS. IDIOT" 79 "'I SET OFF A GIANT CRACKER UNDER HIS CHAIR'" 87 "'WOULD HANG THAT PORTRAIT UPON THE WALL OF MY BEDROOM'" 91 "'STARTED TO PREACH WITH THE RECIPE FOR A WASHINGTON PIE'" 95 "'A LITTLE BUNDLE OF MY OWN LETTERS'" 101 "'WE SPRINKLED IT IN PERSON'" 107 "'HE DISCOVERED THE ONE PERFECT STALK'" 111 "'IT WOULD DE DEUCEDLY AWKWARD ... IF THEY WOULD EXPLODE IN THE MOUTH OF THE PERSON WHO WAS EATING THEM'" 115 "SHE COULD SLAM THEM DOWN ON THE HEARTH-STONES LIKE TORPEDOES'" 119 "'THE JOYS AND WOES OF THE TOILERS WHO MINED IT'" 127 "'FOR THOUGH I'M BUT A CARPET-TACK,'" ETC. 131 "'I SHOULD HESITATE TO TRY TO DRIVE A CANAL-BOAT'" 137 "'I HAVEN'T EVER HAD A HOME; I'VE ALWAYS BOARDED'" 141 "'I FEEL THAT I COULD GO OUT AND MOW THREE ACRES OF GRASS'" 147 "'HE WOULD GO OUT DAY AFTER DAY AND SIT DOWN BESIDE IT'" 151 "'HE SHOVELS OFF A FOOT-PATH'" 155 "'SPEND A WHOLE DAY ON ONE WINDOW'" 161 "'WELL, I'M FOND OF GOLF'" 167 "'AN ANTHROPOLOGICAL TEA'" 171 "'THE BABY IS ROCKED TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT'" 175 "'POOR DICK DAWKINS ISN'T TAKEN CARE OF AT ALL'" 179 "'DR. PREACHLY ONLY GOT EIGHT PAIRS LAST XMAS'" 189 "'A CHINA DOLL TO THE DAUGHTER OF A CARPENTER'" 193 "'HULLO, SONNY! HAD A GOOD TIME?'" 197 "'I GAVE MY DOLLY AWAY TO-DAY'" 201 "'I DON'T QUITE CATCH YOUR DRIFT'" 207 "'I FELT AS IF I HAD SWALLOWED AN OVERSHOE'" 213 "'I FOUND EIGHT SANDWICHES AND A PINT OF SALTED ALMONDS'" 219 "'THEY WERE FOUND SOME DAYS LATER WHEN THE ROOM WAS PUT IN ORDER'" 223 "'THERE'S NOT MUCH MONEY IN STOCKS'" 231 "'A NICE LITTLE BASKET-HAT ON HER HEAD TO HOLD THE PINS IN'" 235 "'AN ELECTRIC NOTICE TO QUIT'" 239 FINDING OUT WHAT IS BEING COOKED FOR DINNER 245 "'COURTING HIS BEST GIRL ON SOME OTHER FELLOW'S STONE WALL'" 251 "'HOLDING UP A GREAT OSAGE ORANGE'" 255 "'THE PICTURE OF A HEART WITH AN ARROW DRAWN THROUGH IT'" 259 "'IT TOOK MY HIRED MAN TWO WEEKS TO SCRUB IT OUT'" 265 "'AN UNPAID GROCER'S BILL BECOMES AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE'" 271 "'THE LION, THE ELEPHANT, THE TIGER, ALL HAVE THEIR WORK TO DO'" 275 "'THEY EAT UP MY NEW CLOTHES'" 279 "'WASTED MY ENERGY UPON THE UNRESPONSIVE AIR'" 283
I
BY WAY OF INTRODUCTION
"My dear," said the Idiot one morning, as he and his good wife and the two little ones, Mollie and Tommy, sat down at the breakfast-table, "now that we are finally settled in our new house I move we celebrate. Let's give a dinner to my old friends of Mrs. Smithers's; they were nice old people, and I should like to get them together again. I saw Dr. Pedagog in the city yesterday, and he inquired most affectionately, not to say anxiously, about the children."
"Why should he be anxious about the children?" asked Mrs. Idiot, placidly, as she sweetened her husband's coffee. "Does he suspect them of lacking completeness or variety?"
The Idiot tapped his forehead significantly.
"He didn't know whether they take after you or after me, but I relieved his mind on that score," he said. "I told him that they didn't take after anybody that either of us ever knew. They have started in on a line of Idiocy that is entirely their own. He seemed very much pleased when I said that, and observed that he was glad to hear it."
Mrs. Idiot laughed.
"It was very nice of the Doctor to ask about them, but I am a little afraid he wants to take a hand in their bringing up," she said.
"No doubt of it," said the Idiot. "Pedagog always was anxious to experiment. Many a time I have suspected him of having designs even on me."
"Mrs. Pedagog told me last year that he had devised an entirely new system of home training," observed Mrs. Idiot, "and they both regretted that they had no children of their own to try it on."
"And of course you offered to lend Tommy to them?" said the Idiot, with a sly glance at his son, who was stowing away his oatmeal at a rate that bade fair to create a famine.
"Of course," said Mrs. Idiot. "He's got to get raw material somewhere, and I thought Tommy would be just the thing."
"Well, I ain't a-goin'," said Tommy, helping himself liberally and for the third time to the oatmeal.
"My son," said the Idiot, with a mock show of sternness, "if your mother chooses to lend you to any one it is not for you to say that you 'ain't a-goin'. It may be that I shall interfere to the extent of demanding to know what security for your safe return is offered, but otherwise neither you nor I shall intervene. What your mother says is law for you as well as for me. Please understand that, Thomas."
"All right, pa," said Tommy; and then he added in an undertone, presumably to the butter, "But I ain't a-goin', just the same."
"I'll go," said Mollie, who rather liked the idea of being lent to somebody, since it involved a visit to some strange and therefore fascinating spot away from home. "Lend me to somebody, will you, mamma?"
"Yes, ma, lend Mollie to 'em," said Tommy, with, a certain dry enthusiasm, "and then maybe you can borrow a boy from somebody else for me to play with. I don't see why you don't swap her off for a boy, anyhow. I like her well enough, but what you ever wanted to buy her for in the beginning I don't know. Girls isn't any good."
"Thomas," said the Idiot, "you talk too much, and, what is more, you say vain things which some day you will regret. When you get older you will recall this dictum of yours, that 'girls isn't any good,' with a blush of shame, and remember that your mother was once a girl."
"Well, she's outgrown it," said Tommy; and then reverting to his father's choice of words, he added, "What is dictums, anyhow?"
"Pooh!" cried the little girl. "Smarty don't know what dictums is!"
"Suppose you two young persons subside for a few minutes!" interrupted the Idiot. "I wish to talk to your mother, and I haven't got all day. You'll be wanting some bread and butter to-morrow, and I must go to town and earn it."
"All right, pa," said Tommy. "I ain't got anything to say that I can't say to myself. I'd rather talk to myself, anyhow. You can be as sassy--"
"Thomas!" said the Idiot, severely.
"All right, pa," said Tommy; and with a side remark to the cream-jug, that he still thought Mollie ought to be swapped off for something, it didn't matter what as long as it wasn't another girl, the boy lapsed into a deep though merely temporary silence.
"You said you'd like to give a dinner to Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog and the others," said Mrs. Idiot. "I quite approve."
"I think it would be nice," returned the Idiot. "It has been more than six years since we were all together."
"You wouldn't prefer having them at breakfast, would you?" asked Mrs. Idiot, with a smile. "I remember hearing you say once that breakfast was your best time."
"How long is six years, pa?" asked Tommy.
"Really, Thomas," replied the Idiot, severely, "you are the most absurd creature. How long is six years!"
"I meant in inches," said Tommy, unabashed. "You always told me to ask you when I wanted to know things. Of course, if you don't know--"
"It's more'n a mile, I guess," observed Mollie, with some superiority of manner. "Ain't it, pa?"
The Idiot glanced at his wife in despair.
"I don't think, my dear, that I am as strong at breakfast as I used to be," said he. "There was a time when I could hold my own, but things seem to have changed. Make it dinner; and, Tommy, when you have deep problems to solve, like how long is six years in inches, try to work them out for yourself. It will fix the results more firmly in your mind."
"All right, pa," replied Tommy; "I thought maybe you knew. I thought you said you knew everything."
In accordance with the Idiot's suggestion the invitations were sent out. It was a most agreeable proposition as far as his wife was concerned, for the Idiot's old associates, his fellow-boarders at Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog's "High-Class Home for Single Gentlemen," had proved to be the stanchest of his friends. They had, as time passed on, gone their several ways. The Poet had made himself so famous that even his bad things got into print; the Bibliomaniac, by an unexpected stroke of fortune, had come into possession of his own again, and now possessed a library of first editions that auctioneers looked upon with envious eyes, and which aroused the hatred of many another collector. The Doctor had prospered equally, and was now one of the most successful operators for appendicitis; in fact, could now afford to refuse all other practice than that involved in that delicate and popular line of work. The genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed had not wholly reformed, but, as the Idiot put it, had developed into one who occasionally did _not_ imbibe. Mr. Brief had become an assistant district attorney, and was prominently mentioned for a judgeship, and Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog lived placidly along together, never for an instant regretting the inspiration which led them to economize by making two into one. In short, time and fortune had dealt kindly with all, even with Mary, the housemaid, who was now general manager of the nursery in the Idiot's household.
The home life of "Mr. and Mrs. Idiot" had been all that either of the young people could have wished for, and prosperity had waited upon them in all things. The Idiot had become a partner in the business of his father-in-law, and even in bad times had managed to save something, until now, with two children, aged five and six, he found himself the possessor of his own home in a suburban city. It had been finished only a month when the proposed dinner was first mentioned, and the natural pride of its master and mistress was delightful to look upon.
"Why, do you know, my dear," said the Idiot one evening, on his return from town, "they are talking of asking me to resign from the club because they say I am offensive about this place, and Watson says my conversation has become a bore to everybody because the burden of my song yesterday was pots and pans and kettles and things like that?"
"I suppose clubmen are not interested in pots and pans and kettles and things," Mrs. Idiot observed. "Some people aren't, you know."
"Not interested?" echoed the Idiot. "What kind of people can they be not to be interested in pots and pans and kettles and things? I guess it's because of their dense ignorance."
"They never had the fun of buying them, perhaps," suggested Mrs. Idiot.
"Possibly," assented the Idiot. "And I'll tell you one thing, Pollie, dear," he added, "if they had had that fun just once, instead of squandering their savings on clothes and the theatre, and on horses, you'd find every blessed one of those chaps thronging the hardware shops all day and spending their money there. Why, do you know I even enjoyed getting the clothes-pins, and what is more, it was instructive. I never knew before what countless varieties of clothes-pins there were. There's the plain kind of commerce that look like a pair of legs with a polo-cap on. I was brought up on those, and I used to steal them when I was a small boy, to act as understudies for Noah and Shem and Ham and Japheth in my Noah's ark. Then there's the patent kind with a spring to it that is guaranteed to hang onto a garment in a gale if it has to let go of the rope. Very few people realize the infinite variety of the clothes-pin, and when I try to tell these chaps at the club about it they yawn and try to change the subject to things like German opera and impressionism and international complications."
"How foolish of them!" laughed Mrs. Idiot. "The idea of preferring to talk of Wagner when one can discourse upon clothes-pins!"
"I am afraid you are sarcastic," rejoined the Idiot. "But you needn't be; if you'd only reason it out you'd see at once that my view is correct. Anybody can talk about Wagner. Any person who knows a picture from a cable-car can talk with seeming intelligence on art, and even a member of Congress can talk about international complications off-hand for hours; but how many of these people know about clothes-pins?"
"Very few," said Mrs. Idiot, meekly.
"Very few, indeed," observed the Idiot. "And the same way with egg-beaters. I'll bet you a laundry-stove that if I should write to the _Recorder_ to-morrow morning, and ask a question about Wagner, the musical editor would give me an answer within twenty-four hours; but with reference to egg-beaters it would take 'em a week to find out. And that's just the trouble. The newspapers are filled up with stuff that everybody knows about, but they don't know a thing about other things on the subject of which the public is ignorant."
"I think," said Mrs. Idiot, reflectively, "that that is probably due to the fact that they consider Wagner more important than an egg-beater."
"Well, then, they don't know, that's all," rejoined the Idiot, rising and walking out into the kitchen and taking the fascinating object over which he was waxing so enthusiastic from the dresser drawer. "Just look at that!" he cried, turning the cog-wheel which set the three intersecting metal loops whizzing like a squirrel in its wheel-cage. "Just look at that! It's beautiful, and some people say Wagner is more important than that."
"Well, I must say, my dear," said Mrs. Idiot, "that I have a leaning that way myself. Of course, I admit the charm of the egg-beater, but--"
"Tell me one thing," demanded the Idiot. "Can you get along without Wagner?"
"Why, yes," Mrs. Idiot replied, "if I have to."
"And can you get along without an egg-beater?" he cried, triumphantly.
The evidence was overwhelming, and Mrs. Idiot, with an appreciative ebullition of mirth, acknowledged herself defeated, and so charmingly withal, that the next day when her husband returned home he brought her two tickets for the opera of Siegfried as a reward for her graceful submission.
"I could have bought ten dozen muffin-rings for the same money," said he, as he gave them to her, "but people who know when to give in, and do give in as amiably as you do, my dear, deserve to be rewarded; and, on the whole, when you use these tickets, if you'll ask me, I think I'll escort you to Siegfried myself."
II
A LITTLE DINNER TO SOME OLD FRIENDS
Ten days later all was excitement at the Idiot's new home. Tommy and Mollie were in a state bordering upon frenzy, and gave the cook a great deal of trouble, requesting a taste of this, that, and the other thing, which she was preparing for the dinner to Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog, the Bibliomaniac, and the others. Inwardly, too, they were somewhat wrathful, for they could not understand why they were not permitted to dine with their parents as usual.
"I guess maybe it's your manners that keeps you away, Tommy," said Mollie.
"Hoh!" said Tommy. "It can't be that, because pa says I ain't got any. It's because you're too young to be introdoosed into society, and I've got to stay up-stairs and look after you. If you weren't a girl!"
Here Tommy clenched his fists and looked unutterable things. Mollie shuddered and was glad she was a girl as she imagined the awful things Tommy would do to her had she been a boy.
"Neither of 'em's it, Tommy," she said, in a conciliatory manner. "It's because they ain't got enough dining-room chairs, that's why. I know, because I counted 'em, and there's only eight, and there's nine people comin'."
"I guess maybe that's it," said Tommy, pacified somewhat. "And anyhow, I don't care. I saw that piece of paper ma gave Jennie, and she wrote down all the things they're goin' to have, and it's goin' to be two hours between the soup and the ice-cream. I couldn't ever wait that long for the ice-cream. I don't see why they don't begin with ice-cream."
"I guess maybe we're better off as it is," said Mollie. "Popper and mommer ain't likely to forget us, and, besides, we can talk."
And with this comforting reflection the little ones retired to their nursery contented in mind and spirit--and they didn't suffer a bit. Their "popper and mommer" didn't forget them. The ice-cream was excellent, and they had their share of it almost before the guests began with their oysters.
At seven o'clock Mr. and Mrs. Pedagog had arrived, and at seven-ten all the invited guests were present.
"If it hadn't been for my wife," Mr. Pedagog whispered in his host's ear, "I should have been late, too."
"Don't apologize, old man," replied the Idiot, gripping the Schoolmaster's hand warmly. "I sometimes go to dinners on time myself."
In a few moments dinner was announced, and shortly after all were seated, and in memory of old times the guests naturally waited for the Idiot to begin.
"Do you know," he said, as he squeezed the juice from a luscious lemon over an unprotesting oyster, at the same time glancing affectionately over the company, "I haven't felt so much at home for years as I do now."
"Not very complimentary to your wife," said Mr. Brief.
"Oh, I know what he means," observed Mrs. Idiot.
"And I have so many other opportunities to compliment her," said the Idiot.
"But really, Mrs. Pedagog," he added, addressing the good lady who sat at his right, "I feel absolutely contented to-night. All the good things of the past and of the present seem to be concentrated about this board--except the three up-stairs, who can't very well be here."
"Three?" asked Mr. Pedagog. "I thought there were only two--"
"Certainly," said the Idiot. "Tommy and Mollie, but there is Mary, your old housemaid. We can't very well ask them to dine with us, you know."
"I don't see why Tommy and Mollie can't be invited," said Mr. Pedagog, much to the Idiot's surprise, it seemed so like a violation of his system, as it might be presumed to be.
"You believe in having children at table, then, Mr. Pedagog?" asked Mrs. Idiot.
"Most certainly," said the Schoolmaster. Mrs. Pedagog glanced smilingly at Mrs. Idiot, as much as to say, "Oh, these men!"
"I certainly do approve of having children at table on all occasions," he continued. "How else are they to learn how to conduct themselves? The discipline of the nursery is apt to be lax, and it is my belief that many of the bad table manners of the present-day child are due to the sense of freedom which eating dinner in the nursery naturally inculcates."