Part 4

“When I did play, it was mostly with boys and I do not recall having preferred the company of girls. My free time was taken up a great deal with agricultural pursuits and I was about 8 years of age when the first sexual episode took place which left an impression on my mind, _having witnessed that year how some boys of my own age played with the sexual parts of a dog and, another time, how the same boys played with their own sexual parts, taking one another’s member in the mouth,—but without feeling on my part any desire to imitate them. With girls I came but little into contact as a child, but I remember once having been present when several boys, 11–12 years of age, abused a girl_ but I took no part in the deed. At about that period I put on women’s clothes a few times though today a man in women’s clothes rather disgusts me. Two incidents concerning me personally are still vivid in my memory, namely, playing once with my privates, in the presence of other boys, and another time, warmly embracing the naked body of another boy while playing a ‘mother and father’ game. Thirteen years thus passed with nothing eventful taking place, except a fall from a tree as the result of which I hurt myself rather seriously. It was at that period that my teacher, who considered me not only a bright boy but a model student as well, prevailed upon my struggling parents to permit me to continue my schooling. I was able to secure, in fact, a free scholarship at an Institute. Shortly after that a schoolmate grew attached to me and he _taught me to masturbate_. Although I had already erections, there was no seminal loss, probably on account of deficient development. He and another schoolmate prevailed on me to masturbate then—but nothing more. About that time other comrades were in the habit of speaking of some girl or other, admiring her beauty. _This talk about a ‘pretty girl’ struck me as strange_, so far as I remember. It was during my second high school year (_gymnasial-klasse_),—I may have been just over my 14th year, at the time,—when a teacher appeared in class with the trousers absent-mindedly unbuttoned and when I noticed it my eyes became glued on his trouser fly as though in a trance, and thus I awoke, for the first time, to the sad realization of my sexual bend. From that time on I noticed that I was extraordinarily attracted to this teacher although he did not like me in school. It was then that my first struggles, the first wishes in my awakened boyish soul, began to shape themselves. There were two boys in particular who, among others, charmed me with their attractiveness. I masturbated a great deal during that period, without indulging in any particular phantasies,—occasionally in the company of other boys. But I had the feeling of being sexually attracted to boys and in my dreams appeared the wish to be their friend. But the stimuli were not of a character which I found impossible to curb. Next I felt myself irresistibly attracted to an elderly man. Neither in the waking state nor in my dreams did I think at all of women during that time. Around my 18th year I experienced the first stormy upheaval which nearly unbalanced me. I came into close touch with a distant relative, an attractive, interesting and splendid intellectual man who, moreover, was happily married. I then passed through the anguish of unrequited love, kept dreaming of what was beyond my reach, and endeavored to still my unnatural passion through excessive onanism. The keen struggle to preserve my secret, the intense mental torture, caused me one day to break down. The strict but kind-hearted talk of my relative in whom, of necessity, I forced myself to confide, saved me that time from suicide. The next day the house physician was called, a cordial and kindly young man, who took a strong professional interest in me. Day after day he spoke to me and tried to influence my mind and he succeeded in shifting my sexual feelings entirely into the background and in about five months he thought I was ready to try regular intercourse. But the attempt proved a new defeat for me. _The secret aversion, the fear of infection_, made me prove myself impotent at the critical moment. But I did not tell the physician _and shortly thereafter he dismissed me as cured_. There followed again years of struggle. Fearing mental breakdown I was driven to the idea of seeking final release through suicide. But I lacked courage for the deed.... Was it cowardice, was it the yearning of my sickly body that prevented me from ending then a life unblessed by a single experience of that highest yearning of a healthy body,—the consummation of love? During that time my relative also died and my anguish was unbearable. For I was absorbed in that great passion of mine so deeply that I had forgotten all about the rest of the world. I was hardly reconciled to that misfortune when further anguish came into my life; several men crossed my path with whom I would have no doubt entered into intimacy if I had found any points of contact. In my despairing mood I confided in _Hofrat W._, who consoled me saying that my misfortune could not be very deep rooted since I had come to him about it. He advised me to seek intimacy with girls (I came a great deal in contact with girls in the course of my daily work and also forced myself to learn dancing). In accordance with his advice I resorted to _puellæ publicæ_ and had intercourse a number of times but without particular pleasure or satisfaction. Yes, I went so far as to propose marriage to a girl of a good family. It was my fate not to meet with a favorable response, although secretly I was gratified at that. For I could not think that my supreme passion intimately and indissolubly linked to the nature, the appearance and form of boyhood and charming old age would ever be overcome. Springtide and autumn, boyhood and old age, evoke in me the wonders of development and suggest the soft quiet stealing in of blissful eternal peace. Although the sense of touch alone is enough to rouse in me the most wonderful feeling of bliss, contact with a woman leaves me indifferent, if it does not actually inspire me with disgust. Thus I kept up for a time longer, greatly agitated but unyielding, the fear of being discovered keeping me back. Tortured at night by the yearnings of the day while dreaming of endless bliss by conjuring up the most intimate scenes depicting contact, dreaming and thinking also of oral (lip) contact, but never of any love act _a posteriori_. In terror of being found out—I blushed at the lightest pointed joke when in company—I often thought of joining the foreign legion or to migrate to some country where homosexual love is not looked upon as a crime or as something shameful.

“Often I heard of places where persons of my bent may be found but I never had the courage to look them up, fearing that I would be recognized, that I would be put to shame and that I should lose my means of subsistence. I am particularly pained at the thought that I must pass for an inferior dissolute type while millions and millions of insignificant tramps are placed on a higher level in the eyes of the law, enjoy life and are even honored and respected while I, in spite of possessing the qualities of a truer manhood, must waste my life in joyless existence. Two women came into my life with whom I became somewhat intimate, _one attracting me temporarily because her physical appearance was like that of a boy underdeveloped, the other, because I was at the time under the influence of alcohol_. But I noticed in connection with those two experiences that I felt no particular satisfaction during bodily contact with the women or while kissing them, _in fact, many women cause me nausea if I so much as take food out of their hand_. Several _puellæ publicæ_ have tried to rouse my sexual feelings (_lambentes glandem membri_), but in spite of erection I felt no particular pleasure, and the act was always followed by a feeling of despair—the same old story. Sometimes in my anguish I sought the church and there I broke into tears and I yearningly clasped my hands in prayer without being a believer at heart. Ofttimes I thought my mind must be affected and thought I had to go to an asylum for the insane but it would make my trouble known to do so and I feared I should have to forego contact with men forever after that. Occasionally _I dreamed also of women_, but without any particular feelings, while if I dreamed of clasping in a warm embrace or only touching or even merely looking at a boy, or at an elderly man, I felt great pleasure. I dreamed of contact with the lips. Something more about the family: On account of father’s strict discipline _I inclined more to mother who was more indulgent_. One of four sisters is married, also both brothers, happy and satisfied, I believe. (I am very bashful with all my relations, old and young.) One uncle only showed eccentricities and he remained single. All my other habits of life are not unlike those of any normal young man, I have friends who are married and who are unaware of my condition. But time after time I am tremendously agitated on account of my mental struggle. Finally, to conclude: my dear doctor, you cannot prevail upon me again to try to look you up at your office because the penetrating look of your office girl inspires me with the fear that my condition is recognized and diagnosed at a glance. If you feel inclined to advise me how best to withstand this craving or to mention some country where I may go, I should be very grateful to you—if not, I have learned to bear defeat.”...

One of the usual confessions, overlooking most important features. The self-incriminating feeling of the masochist who has “learned to bear defeat,” is indicated by the ridiculous fear of the “penetrating look” of my office girl. This fear would probably be traced through analysis to his sadistic attitude towards women. There are a number of other interesting statements. He belongs to a family of many children, a severe father, a negligent mother, he is jealously envious of his sisters. A large number of homosexual episodes are related about his childhood and his habit of putting on women’s clothes. That shows clearly the tendency to identify himself with the mother or sister. But why did he want to be a woman? Why did he want to assume the rôle of mother? He wanted to supply a woman, to substitute the mother to his father. Here it was _the strong father_ who so attracted the boy that the latter wanted to be everything to him; Subsequently he falls in love repeatedly with elderly men who stand for substitutes of his father. The elderly man is always the _Imago_ of the father. During the homosexual episodes with elderly men, either actual or occurring merely in the boy’s fancy, he finds himself still a child towards whom the father displays tenderness and who is permitted by the father to carry on _fellatio_ upon the latter. He is also drawn to young boys. There he plays the rôle of the father while the boy supplies the picture of his own youth.

Interesting is his distinct disgust at women which disappears after alcoholic drinks enough so as to enable him to carry out coitus. He was also near falling in love with a girl who had a boyish appearance. That betrays certain relations between boy and girl. The boys are loved when they show the traits of a beloved sister, the old men when they recall the father.

His path towards woman is blocked. Disgust and fear of infections cover more significant motives bearing a religious coloring. Every prostitute becomes the sister, a younger edition of the mother. Without analysis the genesis of this paraphilia cannot be understood. He avoids me because he is unwilling to discover the truth. The over-severe father seems to have roused in him the yearning for a kindlier one and to have determined the development of his feeling-attitude. An attachment to the sister seems also clearly discernible.

63. Mr. T. D., 26 years of age, has struggled vainly for years against his homosexual disposition. He is attracted to old, gray-bearded men, who always represent to his mind an erotic ideal, and loves to be in their company, go on walks with them, play cards or perform music, and loves also the company of very simple fellows, preferably sailormen, plasterers, and soldiers, and among the latter prefers artillerists. His sexual activity consists in holding the friend’s _membrum virile_ in his hand and giving his own to be held by the other likewise. Orgasm follows rapidly at that. After the deed, regrets and strong avowals never to repeat it. The last time he tried it a watchman caught him in the act and brought him together with his companion, a workingman, to court.

Analysis discloses the following facts: He has repeatedly tried to have intercourse with women but each time great fear and disgust prevented. Strong erections, but before _immissio penis_, the _membrum_ turns soft and useless. Accomplishment of the orgasm through manual friction of the organ by the woman’s hand is possible, but is followed by a powerful feeling-attitude of disgust and he must leave immediately. He has had various opportunities to become intimate with certain women and girls, they have even incited him to it, but he does not feel tempted.

His family history is as follows: He is the only son of a very kindly man who died four years previously. The mother died at his birth and that has established in his mind an intimate association between coitus and death. He cannot help thinking of that association when with women. His father was extraordinarily tender with him, and for his sake never married again. When he was still young his father always played with him, devoting to him all his spare time. Later their relationship became even more intimate. There was a sort of marriage situation with his father.

He began to masturbate at a very early age and claims to have indulged in phantasies only about common men, imagining they were handling his _membrum virile_.

His attachment to his father was decidedly morbid. If the father stayed away from the house a quarter of an hour longer than usual, he began to cry and could not be consoled. The whole object of his life was to bring joy to his father and to replace in the latter’s life the lost mother. When the father fell ill he took it so much to heart that it was feared his mind would break down. After the death of his father he attempted suicide and was thwarted in the act by his father’s faithful servant. He made all sorts of resolutions, among others, not to masturbate during the year of mourning. He did not live up to that.... At first he is unable to recall heterosexual episodes from his childhood and his memory fails him equally regarding homosexual facts. But suddenly the cloud which seemed to cover his childhood lifts and a vast number of reminiscences come to surface, showing the developmental course of his homosexual tendency. His father had always been a strong admirer of the other sex and even as a child he had observed that the father was maintaining intimate relations with the nurse, the cook, as well as with the maid servant. Once he surprised his father in the act of embracing the cook while the two were alone in the room. The irate father boxed his ear because he entered without knocking at the door. That was one of the rare occasions on which his father punished him. He also overheard at night how his father crawled into the nurse’s bed, who was still very young and pretty at the time and carried on all sorts of doings with her. Later he received private instruction from a male tutor who conformed to the _genius loci_ and was also intimate with the servant girl. As a child he often wished he were a woman so as to take the cook’s place in gratifying his father. The father seemed to fear that the boy might fall into the women’s hands and did not delay warning his son with appropriate teachings. At 12 years of age his father instructed him frankly about the dangers of masturbation, with the result that he struggled hard against the habit without, however, overcoming it. A few years later his father spoke to him about the terrible dangers of venereal diseases, warning him against prostitutes. He was told he must watch out, for he would have frequently occasion to go through the city, and the prostitutes are always eager to seduce such innocent young boys so that many a one is ruined for life.

It is significant also that at 5 years of age he played with a girl from the neighborhood, trying to imitate the father. He must have hurt the girl for she cried out, the nurse rushed in, a serious scene ensued, and he was severely chastised by the nurse.

An ugly impression was produced on him when he witnessed a terrible quarrel between their cook and the nurse who were jealous of each other on account of the father’s attentions. They grabbed each other by the hair and the whole household was in an uproar. The cook had to leave the house at once. He believes that after that incident his father gave up all intimate relations with the women in the house. At 19 years of age he fell in love with the cashier of a coffee house and would have very much liked to possess her. But his father, to whom he told everything, warned him against all cashier women because they are usually diseased and infected. As a warning he told him that in his youth he once suffered very unpleasant consequences as the result of an affair with that kind of a woman and was even subjected to blackmail.

He filled his heart with a gruesome fear of woman. In addition to that he placed in his hands a book relating all about the evil consequences of sexual diseases, so that after that he did not dare come near a woman without the protection of a condom. After intercourse, which consisted merely of digital manipulations in his case, he had to bathe at once and to wash his genitals with soap several times. After homosexual acts he did not feel the compulsion to carry out these ablutions.

We now come to the analysis of his acts, which show themselves veritable compulsive manifestations. Suddenly he becomes restless, energetically tries to control himself, then paces back and forth for hours, until he falls into the hands of one of the male prostitutes who easily recognize their prospective victims. But as he never mentioned any name and never established any lasting intimate relations, he escaped blackmail. Once he thought that a certain masseur had studied his physiognomy and had later recognized him. He saw that fellow a few times in front of his home. Immediately he left Vienna and undertook an extensive journey which kept him for some months in foreign countries.

In the act he tried to find the love caresses of his father. He split love into its well recognized two components. The erotic side he reserved for elderly men, physicians, and the faithful elderly friends,—while for sexuality proper he turned exclusively towards men of low rank. Similarly he divided his father’s personality into two parts, the high-striving, intellectual, lofty-minded father, and the woman fancier, the lover of ordinary servant girls. He was still playing the rôle of a male but during the act he regressed back to childhood, becoming again a child who longs for the father’s tender love squandered on servant girls. Moreover the ordinary males also had the traits of servants, they were of the servant class.

We have here an instance of the transposition of the love of servant girls to males. He had always a weakness for servant girls and since he feared he might yet get tangled up in marriage with a cook, he tried to keep away from them. Only once in the home of a friend he embraced suddenly a cook and passionately kissed her. “I could have without a doubt cohabited with her,” he told me. But he soon quit visiting that particular friend....

He identified himself completely with the father. He lived in his own house, acted like the father, had the same kind of wardrobe, although his father had aged a great deal. But in one respect he wanted to be different. He engaged therefore a male servant and always took his meals outside, so as to have no cook in the house. But that servant he kept always at a certain distance. He did not care to have any love affairs with servants in the house, like his father.

The analysis disclosed his repressed sadistic attitude towards woman. His first attempts at intercourse with women failed him and he was able to carry out coitus successfully only under the influence of alcohol. Later he did recall a single successful coitus without that aid. The girl had roused his anger with the remark that he was merely an insolent fellow. He jumped at her, ready to strike her, and was tremendously excited. In that roused state he carried out coitus. _But he would have rather strangled her._

He showed an idiosyncrasy against certain female occupations. Nurses in their garb he would have gladly torn to pieces. He also hated all nuns. It was not well for any woman to rouse his anger. He could be very dangerous when roused. He confesses entertaining as his favorite phantasy the thought of tearing to pieces a woman.

The reason for this sadistic attitude: His _infantile jealousy_ of all women since woman had robbed him of his father’s love. Among them was also a nurse who had taken care of the father during a prolonged illness.

That hatred of women made him impotent and drove him into the homosexual path. For he was afraid of himself when finding himself alone in the presence of a woman. He rushed away from houses of prostitution suddenly, as if a thousand demons were after him.

I succeeded in convincing him that this sadistic attitude was a rudiment of his early feelings, that he was really fighting against ghosts which he had long since dispelled. Now it was up to him to avow consciously his criminal tendencies and to render them innocuous through meeting them in the open. Presently he began having intercourse with _puellæ publicæ_, before the analysis was ended, and even undertook to carry out coitus _lege artis_. He forced himself to do it because he no longer cared to incur the risk of coming into conflict with the law. (The legal case against him was squashed because there had been committed no overt act and such manipulations ordinarily are unpunished in Austria, if they cause no open scandal.) Later he chose a sweetheart who accompanied him on his travels and whom he suddenly abandoned. He had meanwhile met a woman who captivated him mentally and spiritually. Two years later I received their engagement card. In this case the analysis accomplished a complete recovery.

Here we found a complete fixation on the father, which had to be overcome first in order to free the path to woman which had become obstructed by all sorts of infantile imperatives. Neither the mother nor the persons who trained him during his earlier years play any rôle in the psychogenesis of his homosexuality; on the other hand there was his strong sadistic attitude towards women which showed itself in a personally baffling fear of women.

This case shows how one-sided _Sadger’s_ explanation is of homosexuality, when he traces its psychogenesis solely to the relations with the mother and overlooks entirely the rôle of the father.

We must also bear in mind that many children gravitate to the mother only because they feel themselves neglected by the father, because they hate the father, and are unable to attain a proper feeling-attitude towards him. Precisely that overstressed love of the mother and the obvious antagonism against the father adroitly covers the fixation on the father.

I will now report three similar cases from my own practice, relating only the important details: