CHAPTER XXXVIII.

THE PORTE-MONNAIE I OWE 'EM COMPANY.

It has been said, with much of truth, that "two of a calling rarely agree;" and this applies with force to those engaged in the "hen-trade." Messrs. Mormann and Humm, whom I have before spoken of, couldn't long agree together, and their "dissolution" soon appeared; and, from the ashes of the professional part of this firm, there suddenly arose an entirely new dodge, under the big-sounding title of

"THE PORTE-MONNAIE I OWE 'EM COMPANY."

The presiding genius of this concern was one Doctor Bangit,--an old friend of mine, who had been through wars enough to have killed a regiment of ghouls, who was among the earliest advocates and supporters of the "New England Mutual Admiration Society," who was one of the very first physicians employed in prescribing for the hen fever in this country, and who, I _supposed_, had had sufficient experience not to embark (at this late day) in such a ridiculous enterprise as this so clearly seemed to be.

But the doctor saw his victims in prospective, probably; and, though he had run the hummery of the fowl-fever so far into the ground that, in his case, it would surely never know a day of resurrection, still he was ambitious and hopeful; and he flattered himself (and some others) that the _last man_ who bought live stock had _not_ yet turned up! And so the doctor pushed on, once more.

The "BLOOD STOCK" of the "_Porte-Monnaie I owe 'em Company_"[12] was thus advertised, also:

"IN ADDITION to the genuine, unadulterated Prince Albert fowls, the 'Porte-Monnaie I owe 'ems' offer pigs, with tails on, of the Winsor, Unproved Essex, Proved Suffolks, Yorkshire, Wild Indian, Bramerpouter, Siam, Hong-Kongo, Emperor Napoleons, and Shanghae Breeds; most of them of new styles, and warranted to hold their colors in any climate.

"Also, Welsh Rarebits--bred from their Merino buck 'Champum,' of England (that _didn't_ take the first prize at the National Show, because Mr. Burnham's 'Knockum' did!), whose ears are each thirty-three feet longer than those of our best pure-bred jackasses, and wider than five snow-shovels, by actual measurement.

"Also, A-quack-it fowls; as Swans (_Porte-Monnaie I owe 'em_ strain), Two-lice, Hong-gong, Brumagem and other Geese. Ruin and Ailsburied Ducks, and Pharmigan Pigeons (blue-billed).

"Also, every breed of Gallinaceous fowls,--Games and other bloods already noted,--together with every species of pure and select blood-stock, which has been secured in Europe, Asia, Africa, and the Arctic Ocean, with reference to QUALITY, without regard to _price_.

"==>We can furnish pedigrees to all buyers who desire them, which will be endorsed by the faculty of Riply College, Iowa.

"N.B. The 'Winsor' breed of pigs imported by us is a great addition to the already fine hog stock of the United States, and is fully _equal_, if not _superior_, to any other breed. They are the very choicest of the royal stock which is so much admired in England. We are in possession of the shipping papers of these splendid pigs. The freight and incidental expenses on them, alone, amount to about six hundred dollars. They ought to be fine pigs. Three hundred dollars a _pair_ for the pigs from this splendid stock would be _low_, taking their great value into consideration. We have often heard of Prince Albert's stock of pigs, but until G.P. Burnham, Esq., of Russet House, Melrose, first imported this superb stock into this country, no American was ever honored with a shy at this extraordinary breed of swine. The company, at great expense and trouble, prevailed upon Mr. Burnham to part with a few of his second-rate samples; and they have now no doubt that they will be able to 'beat him all to rags,' in a few months, since they have been lucky enough to get them from him _pure_ly bred (probably!).

"P.S. Of these pigs, which gained the first prize and gold and silver medal at London in December, 1863, and the first prize and gold and silver medal in Birmingham, were from Tibby, by Wun-eyed Jack. Old Pulgubbin's pigs gained a prize at Mutton-head in 1729, and one at London in 1873."

Still, notwithstanding all this extra flourish of trumpets, the "Porte Monnaie I owe 'em Company" is well-nigh defunct. It was started, unfortunately, about five years and eight months "too late in the season."

Yet, as I honor talent and enterprise, wherever they may be shown, I trust that this association may be galvanized into successful operation--as, _perhaps_, it will!

[12] I trust that this association may not be confounded with the "_Fort Des Moines Iowa Company_." The difference will plainly be seen, of course.