CHAPTER XXXIV.

A TRUMP CARD.

Not to be beaten by this sort of thing (since the columns of certain friendly journals were still open to me), I adopted the style of advertising then current; and soon after the articles noted in the last chapter made their appearance in the "agricultural" paper alluded to, the following letter from the Young 'Un was published in the New York _Spirit of the Times_, upon the subject of live stock generally, and what _I_ had for sale particularly.

"UNCLE PORTER:

"During the last few years, I have turned my attention to trafficking in stock (as you may _possibly_ already be aware). Not copper stock, or Reading, or Hoosac Tunnel, or similar 'bores,'--but in _live_ stock; to wit, living stock. As is usual in this great and free country, other people have got to doing the same kind of business, since it has been now found to 'pay;' and who's a better right?

"_I_ desire, at the commencement of the new year, through the _Spirit_, to call the attention of such of _your_ friends (as you cannot supply readily) to my present assortment of _ominus_, omnivorous, carnivorous, graminivorous and bipederous specimens--which I have imported from Europe, Asia, Africa, Oceanica, South America, and _other_ places; and consisting, _in part_, of the following, namely:

"All the best and choicest breeds and varieties of horses, cattle, swine, dogs, cats, sheep, rabbits, goats, fowls, pigeons, rats, catamounts, hyenas, alligators, cormorants, kangaroos, grizzly bears, antelopes, envelopes, llamas, lam'ems, jaguars, fox and geese, kinkajous, petrel, periwinkles, long-tailed rabbits, Nubian fennecs, red eagles, condors, hooded ducks and hood-winked drakes, swifts, sloes (intended for 'fast' men and old 'fogies'), chamois, armadilloes, wingless emus, beadles, crabs, cranes, coons (bred from 'that same old 'un'), white zebras, macaws, catspaws, cantelopes, carbuncles and shuttle-sewing machines.

"I also have, for _exporting_, a splendid assortment of buffalo, elk, deer, moose, bears, cranes, owls, badgers, woodchucks, swans, pelicans, gulls (genuine), rattle-snakes (domesticated), fighting hen-turkeys (from Iowa), larks (from Nauvoo), and a superior assortment of _fishes_, of every conceivable size, color and variety, which are warranted to live out of the water, in any climate. In short, I will keep on hand all the best 'blooded' animals, fowls, quadrupeds, fishes, reptiles, insects and birds,--be they gallinaceous, aquatic, aërial, fancy, substantial, good, bad or indifferent, that may be had; which I will furnish to my numerous friends, patrons, and the rest of mankind, in Europe, Asia, Africa or America, at all hours of the day or night (Sundays excepted); and at prices so reasonable that Christendom shall 'vote me' a philanthropist, or no sale.

"Among my most recently received samples, I beg especially to call the attention of fanciers, amateurs and breeders, to a 'vaggin-load of monkeys, vith their tails burned off,' which I warrant will not frighten the most skittish of horses. A crate of she-basilisks, of most virtuous exteriors, and with eyes as large as saucers. Eleven pet elephants (intended to have been offered to Mr. Barnum, but who informs me that he has done breeding them, on account of the high price of provender). One pair of red ostriches,--supposed to be the original progenitors of the famous 'Cochin-China' race of poultry. (The male has a 'horse-shoe mark' upon his breast, described by certain modern authors on poultry. Unluckily for this theory, however, I happen to know that this individual was kicked by a mare of mine, while the beauty was skulking behind her, and attempting to rob her of the corn she was eating from her crib.) I have a trio of very healthy walruses, from Norway, that will eat snowballs from your hand. Also, a brace of young mastodons, very docile, and as easily kept, _almost_, as a trio of 'Brahma Pootras.' Three _green_ swans (delightfully green), that never seek for or approach the water; supposed not yet to have learned to swim. I have also in my collection a family of very curious chameleons (believed to be), but none of which are supplied with the usual caudal extremity yclept _a tail_.

"My friend Durivage--who, as you are aware, is now in the Boston Custom-house, and whose opinion, consequently, isn't worth much--examined this family, and at once pronounced them hop-toads! But I don't mind _his_ jokes. _You_ must see them. They are beautiful creatures, and '_do_ live on air,' I assure you; I have seen them do it frequently, without changing color. Dr. Bennett, of Fort des Moines, has recently sent me a fine male porcupine,--a nice little fellow to handle, so long as you rub his feathers the right way,--which I purpose to cross upon my Chinese Mandarin sow, at a future day, for experiment. In addition to all these, I have, of _fowls_, the Mum-chums, Hong-Kongs, Whamphoas, Quittaquongs, Hoanghos, Brama-pooters, Damphules, Rocky-mountain-Indian-wharhoops, Nincompoops, etc., and an endless variety of white blackbirds, sleeping weasels, very fine mules (for breeding), fan-tail tumblers and tumbling fantails, no-woolled sheep, etc. etc., and so forth.

"The principal object of this communication, however, is _not_ to particularize my stock, but rather to call attention to my new breed of Hogs, which I have lately imported; and of which I send you a striking likeness herewith. I call it the Chinese Mandarin Hog.

"The drawing of this very faithful and life-like picture--copies of which I have already forwarded to _Punch_, the Paris _Charivari_, etc.--was executed by Phizz; the engraving is by Quizz; the portraits are perfect.

"This breed of hogs is most extraordinary; and has been pronounced of great value for their beautiful model (see portrait), and easy fattening qualities. Their meat is also remarkably tender and fine-flavored, as can be proved by several gentlemen in this country, although this is the _first_ hog of the kind ever brought here, and she is now alive! As you will note in the drawing, the head and face of these hogs (supposing it possible that another could be found on God's footstool of the same kind) very closely resemble an elephant; perfectly unique, and strikingly oriental in capital aspect. (Which, if you do not understand, I can only say is plain English, and I must again refer you to the picture.) There is another singular feature, you will probably have observed (allowing that you are somewhat acquainted with the _ordinary_ formation of animals), and that is, that the trunk of this animal is upon the wrong extremity; but it answers, apparently, a very good purpose for a tail, as will be noted. True, the neck is longer than that of any hogs ever seen here, imparting a singular appearance; but it is a long lane that has no turn in it, and so _n'importe_ on this point.

"This is the most _prolific_ of the whole swine race. There never was one in America before, but this point is settled. She has eighteen dugs (see portrait), and learned doctors inform us that the number of dugs (teats) is always evidence of prolificness. The bodies of these hogs are like the _white_ 'Berkshires' of England (admitting that the white and the black Berkshires have different-shaped _bodies_). In color, though not so spotted as the leopard, these hogs are beautifully striated, like polished alabaster and ebony, checkered and rounded (see drawing) most exquisitely, like a slice of mouldy sage cheese.

"P.S. Although I am now short--or shall be, in the spring--full eleven thousand pairs of pigs, from this sow (to fill present orders), yet I will undertake to furnish a few more to gentlemen who may fancy them, at the advanced price,--seven-and-sixpence per pair. (I have no _boar_ of this breed, but that is immaterial.)

"N.B. I have frequently been asked to account for the singular facial appearance of this sow; but I can only do so, satisfactorily to myself, upon the theory of my friend Jacob, of old; that, _at some time or other_, her mother must have 'seen the elephant'!

"***The other figures in the accompanying drawing are likenesses, also from life, of my harmless and beautiful 'Bramerpootrers.' They are very fond of little children (see picture) and I send to my uncle William Porter, herewith, as a New Year's Gift to our mutual friend, Solon Robinson, a very fine sample, with the gentle hint that if he keeps his 'Hot Corn' as far out of this fellow's reach as it has thus far been out of mine, it will be perfectly safe.

"==>All orders for my famous 'Bramerpootrers,' or my imported 'Chinese Mandarin Hogs,' etc., must be put in water-proof condition, post-paid, endorsed by the collector of this port, and sent, by Adams & Co.'s Express, to Niagara Falls, until I conclude to remove to Salt Lake, Nebraska, or 'elsewhere,' of which due notice will be given (provided I don't decide to 'step out' between two days). _Adios!_

"Yours,

"_The_ YOUNG 'UN.

"_Boston, Jan., 1854._"

Now, the above letter explains itself fairly, upon its face; yet--would it be believed?--I actually received four or five sober (I _presume_ the writers were sober) letters of inquiry, relating to the "curious and remarkable Chinese Mandarin Hog in my possession," immediately after the above article appeared in the _Spirit_! Such are the knowledge and acquirements of "the people," in certain quarters, upon the subject of live stock!