Chapter 16

But beside the "malignant and the turbaned Turks," there was a great variety of other unexpected characters on exhibition in Mrs. Daylight's apartments--kings, queens, gipsies, and highwaymen, milkmaids, who not only couldn't milk, but probably couldn't tell a cow from a cod-fish, peasant-girls with jewelry enough on for princesses, and princesses with red faces and feet big enough for peasants, tambourine girls begging for pennies which they couldn't get, and bouquet girls trying to sell flowers from a large assortment, consisting of two geranium leaves and a rose-bud, French grisettes, who couldn't speak French, and Spanish noblemen, who talked most unmistakable down-east Yankee, Highlanders with pasteboard shields and bare knees, army officers who didn't know how to shoulder arms, sailors who couldn't tell the keel from the jib-boom, or swear positively that the tiller wasn't the long-boat, the Queen of Sheba in gold spectacles, robbers, brigands, freebooters, corsairs, bandits, pirates, buccaneers, highwaymen, fillibusters, and smugglers in such quantities, that it might be supposed that our best society is two-thirds made up of these amiable persons. There were three Paul Prys, four Irishmen, and thirteen Yankees, equipped with jackknives and shingles, seven Hamlets, and fourteen Ophelias, one Lear, two Richards, and five Shylocks, eight Macbeths, three Fitz James, and half a dozen Rob Roys, who made a very respectable assortment of Scotchmen; there were also twenty-one monks, quite a regiment; this _was_ considered strange, but the next day, when most of the silver was missing, it was immediately surmised that these reverend gentlemen were thieves, who had obtained surreptitious admission, and carried off the valuables under their priestly robes.

There were also a few ladies, particular friends of the hostess, who appeared, by permission, in no costume more ridiculous than that which they were accustomed to wear daily, but who displayed the usual amount of whalebone developments.

After the band arrived and was stationed in the conservatory out of sight, an attempt was made to get up a dance. Spout introduced Dropper to a princess of his acquaintance, and Dropper, as in duty bound, asked her to waltz, and actually proceeded to carry out his intention.

As some sixty other couples attempted the same feat at the same time, and as there wasn't room for any one man to dance without stepping on the heels of his neighbor, the scene instantly assumed a peculiar appearance. Dropper first whisked his partner against a flower girl and upset her basket, then against a Paul Pry, and demolished his horn spectacles, then he tumbled her into the stomach of a Falstaff and rolled him into the window curtains, then he himself stepped on the favorite corn of a tall Hamlet, and pushed his elbows into a Shylock and broke his false hooked nose, and they both concluded their gyrations by upsetting a couple of brigands, and marching deliberately over the prostrate bodies of Helen McGregor and a matchboy in their progress to a sofa, which they finally reached in an exhausted condition; the lady wanted some water, which Remington started to get but didn't come back, inasmuch as he hurt his shins by tumbling over a chair and fell to the floor, carrying with him in his descent a fairy in one hand and a Fitz James in the other. The crowd immediately closed around him, so that he could not rise, and, as he was involuntarily reposing directly upon the hot air register, he was more than half cooked before he got rescued out.

The attempt to dance created also no small amount of confusion among the others, about twenty-five of whom were precipitated into the conservatory and dispersed through the orchestra. King Lear landed with his head in a French horn, and Byron's Corsair was seen to demolish two violins with his hands at precisely the same time he kicked both feet through the bass drum.

Supper came at last, and the guests were fed in installments, as many getting near the tables as could crowd into the rooms. Jellies, creams, fruits, and the more substantial articles of the repast, were devoured, and scattered over the carpets, and over the dresses of the assembled multitude, in about equal quantities. Champagne corks flew, and all the men of whatever nation, trade, or occupation represented in that incongruous assemblage, seemed to understand perfectly well what champagne was. Kings drank with peasants, brigands touched glasses with monks, and Shylock the Jew took a friendly drink with her majesty the Queen of Sheba.

After supper the smash recommenced, and things grew worse, and the characters, by continued exertion and repeated accidents, became so changed in appearance by the mutilation of their fancy dresses, that at three o'clock in the morning, no one could have picked out any one of the remaining guests and told whether he was intended for an Italian brigand or an Irish washerwoman.

Our friends reached home about daylight, tired, draggled, disgusted, and drunk. Neither of them undressed, but both slept on the floor in the remains of their fancy costume, and in all their paint; they didn't get their faces clean for ten days, but Remington Dropper had seen the Elephant in one of his Fifth Avenue aspects, and was content.

CONCLUSION.

[Exeunt Omnes.]--SHAKESPEARE.

A few days after the events recorded in the last chapter, a letter was received at the residence of one of the compilers of these records, superscribed

Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.

The communication was signed by John Spout, and the writer, after apologizing for communicating with a perfect stranger, stated his reasons for so doing. It seems from the communication that Mr. Spout was informed by a friend who was in the confidence of the United States Marshal, that Mr. Spout and others were accustomed to meet in a room on Broadway, and that they were strongly suspected of being engaged in the organization of a fillibustering expedition to Nicaragua, and furthermore, that it was the intention of the officious officials of the United States Government to make a descent upon the premises and arrest all who were present on the next regular meeting. Mr. Spout had no difficulty in convincing his friend of the entire misapprehension of the officers. But in the fullness of his modesty the worthy Higholdboy thought that the time was not arrived when it would be prudent to announce to the world the fact of the existence of a scientific association, organized for the purpose of studying the Elephant. Furthermore, he did not like to be arrested, even though he would be acquitted, fearing that contact with stone walls might aggravate a chronic catarrh with which he was afflicted. Under these circumstances, he called a mass meeting of the members of the club, at his private room, where, after a session of fourteen minutes it was unanimously

_Resolved_, That the Elephant Club cave in for the present, under the pressure of strong necessity.

_Resolved_, That the landlord of the Club room whistle for the arrearage of rent.

_Resolved_, That Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B., we have every reason to believe, will fully appreciate the high character of the objects of the Elephant Club.

_Resolved_, That he is hereby authorized to go to the Elephant Club room, secure the records and such other property therein contained, as he may desire.

_Resolved_, That the said Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B., is further authorized to compile the said records for publication, if he thinks the public can be induced to buy the book when it is published; and he is further authorized to reorganize the Club in accordance with the same principles of the old organization, and when the present federal administration goes out of power, the present members will again put on the scientific harness, and gladly co-operate with the club so formed, to secure the ends desired.

In accordance with the request contained, Mr. Doesticks did go to the premises designated, where he found said records, and a variety of articles of furniture in a state of chronic demolition. The records he carried away--the furniture he did not. An examination of the documents satisfied Doesticks that if properly compiled, and published, the work would sell. But feeling himself incompetent to the task of preparation unaided--the work being of a scientific character--he decided to call to his assistance his friend Knight Russ Ockside. In his youth this gentleman had the advantage of being employed in sweeping out the medical college in Thirteenth street, and was once severely injured when young by being hit with a medical book on the head; and these facts it was generally conceded, in accordance with the spirit of modern progression, entitled him to the honorary degree of M.D. The scientific part of the work of compilation was therefore left to Dr. Ockside, who has endeavored to do full justice to the subject. Doesticks has reorganized the Elephant Club, and applications for membership will be received by him at No. 70001, Narrow street.

N.B. Applicants will be particular to bring testimonials as to character.

No persons will be received against whom a shadow of suspicion exists that they are of foreign birth, whilst to be a native would be a permanent bar to their membership.

THE END.

THE MEMOIRS

OF

REV. SPENCER H. CONE, D.D.

PREPARED BY HIS FAMILY

_484 pp. 12mo. Bound in Muslin, Printed on fine white paper, Price $1.25_

EMBELLISHED WITH A STEEL PORTRAIT.

* * * * *

Dr. Cone, late pastor of the First Baptist Church, city of New York, was one of the most remarkable men of the present age, his life was full of romance and incident, as as well as a bright example of Christian virtues; the volume should find a welcome at every fireside, and a place in every family library.

Among the numerous testimonials from all sections of the country, we take pleasure in quoting the following:

NOTICES OF THE PRESS.

"A Biography of a famous preacher and man, written with power and eloquence."--_Philadelphia Evening Post._

"Its perusal will be grateful to every person who admires active piety and can appreciate Christian virtues."--_Family Journal, Albany._

"Spencer Houghton Cone, one of those good and faithful servants whose career exemplifies the surpassing beauty of a genuine religious life. The work is produced in elegant form, with a superb engraving of Dr. Cone. It deserves a place as a standard of good works and deeds in all families."--_N.Y. Daily News._

"Its subject, one of the first men, and leading minds, for years, in our denomination, will ensure it a wide circulation."--_Richmond, Va. Herald._

"Mr. Cone's reputation as an eloquent and fervent minister of the Gospel, as a strong, clear, earnest thinker, was acknowledged throughout the Union."--_Boston Gazette._

"The book is full of interest, and we are confident will disappoint none who undertake its perusal."--_Salem Gazette._

"America has produced but few so popular preachers, his personal influence was unbounded, he was indeed a man of talent, of large attainment in the school of Christ, a brilliant preacher, and a noble-hearted, zealous Christian philanthropist."--_Christian Chronicle, Philadelphia._

"The volume is a profoundly interesting life-memorial of one of the most active, earnest, eloquent and sincerely religious spirits of his age and generation. Spencer H. Cone was a very remarkable man, and from a perusal of his life, we are convinced that selfishness and narrow-mindedness had no place in his nature. He appears to us to have been a model of earnestness, sincerity, activity, and intelligence." --_New York Evening Mirror._

"The volume is a straightforward simple narrative of the public and private life of Dr. Cone, from his youth up to the period of his death. It will be read with interest by thousands out of the denomination to which Dr. Cone belonged, as well as by thousands of his own denominational friends and admirers."--_Christian Secretary, Hartford._

LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,

310 BROADWAY, N.Y.

Agents wanted to Canvass every County in the United States, who can make from $5 to $10 a day in selling the above popular work.

Copies sent (_post paid_), to any part of the country, on receipt of $1.25.

A New Book by the Author of "Our World!"

A WORK OF GREAT POWER AND INTEREST.

JUSTICE IN THE BY-WAYS.

BY F.C. ADAMS.

_12mo., Cloth, $1.25._

The _Evening Post_ of June 23d says:

"Shortly will be published a new work, entitled 'JUSTICE IN THE BY-WAYS,' from the pen of F.C. ADAMS, author of the popular anti-slavery novel 'OUR WORLD.'

"It presents a life-like picture of that peculiar civilization which of late has so signally blossomed in the ruffianly achievement of Brooks.

* * * * *

"Mr. ADAMS, the author, formerly editor of the _Savannah Georgian_, is qualified by a residence of five years among the nullifiers of the Palmetto State to exhibit a correct and graphic likeness of their society and manners."

This is emphatically a work of our age. Its life is its TRUTH. Its breath its FACT. It is history in the guise of fiction, history whose accuracy is attested by public records and State documents. Each character is a living reality. It is a book eminently suggestive of much needed moral reforms. It is not sectional. It hits North and South. It shows the social evils generated by Slavery in the one, and by neglected poverty in the other. It pictures the follies and vices of worn-out Southern chivalry; the crimes of the forsaken wretches in the Five Points; and the sordid sin which luxuriates in our Fifth Avenue palaces. It portrays how those who the world regard as beacons illuminating the paths of virtue, grovel in sensuality--sought and loved for its own sake; whilst the neglected of the world, in their depths of degradation, yet emit some rays--feeble though they be--of a soul within. In fine, it teaches the practical lesson that it would become the great to learn how a true use of their wealth and influence may benefit poor fallen humanity.

LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,

310 BROADWAY, N.Y.

W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper, 24 Bookman street.

A Work of Unusual Interest and Merit!

TO BE PUBLISHED EARLY IN SEPTEMBER,

THE PAWNBROKER.

OR,

THE WAGES OF AVARICE.

_12mo., Cloth. Price $1.25._

The Publishers believe that "The Pawnbroker" is not inferior, either in power or interest, to any other work of Fiction that has been yet issued from the American Press; while the local interest it possesses, in consequence of its truthful delineation of New York life, forms one of its many attractive features. It is the production of an American lady, who is endowed with a fine culture, a refined and polished idea of the requirements of Virtue and Civilized Life; together with a clear insight of the human heart, whether bowed down by its own dark depravity, or consoled and elevated by the noble instincts of honor and truthfulness. But this is not all; our authoress is an Artist, and her book will do credit to Modern American Literature.

Her Hero and Heroine are taken from the humblest walks of life; but our interest becomes almost at once, unconsciously enlisted in their welfare, and with intense excitement, pain, and hope, the thread of the narrative which depicts their chequered, trying and varied career, is perused. This effect is produced, without bombast or enervating sentimentality; simply because a story founded upon fact is narrated with becoming dignity, modesty and consummate Literary Art. The characters introduced throughout the work are numerous; but each possesses a peculiar, marked, and distinct individuality.

A writer in the _Boston Literary Bulletin_ says of it:

"I have read the MS. of "The Pawnbroker." Its principal scenes are laid in New York, shifting occasionally to New Orleans. It is written with great force, pathos, and ingenuity; and I have no hesitation in prophesying that it will be ranked with "The Lamplighter" and "The Wide, Wide World." Throughout the work a moral lesson is pointed; and although prolific in pictures of the most exciting nature, probability is never outraged by the introduction of mysterious impossibilities. It cannot fail of meeting with a large sale, and enviable popularity."

LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,

310 BROADWAY, N.Y.

W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper, 24 Bookman Street.

JUST PUBLISHED.

PLU-RI-BUS-TAH:

A SONG THAT'S BY NO AUTHOR.

BY

Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B.

This Book contains an unlimited quantity of hits at every body, of which every one must good naturedly take his share, to pay for the privilege of laughing at his neighbors.

EMBELLISHED WITH ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FOUR ILLUSTRATIONS, BY JOHN MCLENAN.

As a History of the Country, this book is invaluable, inasmuch as it notices a great many events not mentioned by Bancroft, Hildreth, or Prescott. As a Novel, it is unapproachable, for it contains several characters unknown to Cooper, Dickens, Marryatt, or Bulwer. As a Mythological Work, it should be immediately secured, as it makes mention of a number of gods and deified worthies hitherto unknown to old Jupiter himself. As a Poem, its claims to consideration can not be denied, as it comprises a great many beauties not discoverable in "The Song of Hiawatha," besides several Indian names which were therein omitted.

12mo, Muslin, Extra Gilt, price $1 00.

LIVERMORE & RUDD, _Publishers_, 310 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.

Just Published.

DOESTICKS' NEW BOOK

PLU-RI-BUS-TAH.

A SONG THAT'S BY NO AUTHOR.

BY Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.

_An elegant 12mo. Price $1._

This volume is enjoying a greater popularity than the Author's first book "DOESTICKS WHAT HE SAYS," which sold the first five days of publication,

12,773 COPIES.

It contains an unlimited quantity of hits at every body, of which every one must good-naturedly take his share, to pay for the privilege of laughing at his neighbors, and _Embellished with one hundred and fifty-four Humorous Illustrations_, designed by John McLenan, whose reputation as an Artist is world-wide.

CONTENTS.

Explanation--The Author's Apology--Introduction--The Pipe, and Who Smoked it--Who Came and Where He Came From--Fight Number One--Who Whipped, Who Died, and How Many Run Away--Fight Number Two--How Many Rounds, and Who Couldn't Come to Time--A Free-Love Marriage--The Gathering of the Clans--What They Went to Work at, and How Much They Got a Month--How the Hero Did a Great Many Things, and Who Helped Him--A Single-Handed Game of Brag--What a Woman Did--What the Hero Worshipped--Fight Number Three, with Variations--Matrimonial Endearments--Fight Number Four--A Compromise, and What Came of it--How a Woman got her Spunk Up, and Left the Country--The Consequences--Mother and Child both Doing Well--He Continues His Studies--His Progress--He still Continues His Studies--His Further Progress--Who Died, and What They did with Him--Funereal and Solemn--A Marriage, and What Came of it--Family Jars, and a Departure--Spirit Rappings and Spirit Drinking Mixed--What He Didn't--What His Mother Did, and Where She Went to--Cuffee Triumphant--An Unexpected Smash--Demolition of The Hero.

NOTICES OF THE PRESS.

"We said of Doesticks' first work that it was a quaint teacher of morality and a promoter of good works, we are ready to reiterate in respect to this volume. There is not a vulgarity nor an indecency in its pages, but clothed in unusual garb, the burden of its song is morality, virtue, temperance, economy, patriotism. It rebukes pretension, it scathes deception, it withers arrogance, it exposes emptiness. Chapter IX.--What a Woman Did--is one of the best arguments for national union to be found."--_Newark Daily Advertiser._

"'Plu-ri-bus-tah' is a burlesque--broad almost beyond the scope of the imagination."--_Charleston, S.C. Standard._

"Doesticks loves to indulge in a merry laugh at the expense of his neighbors, as a good Christian is bound to do."--_New York Tribune._

"This is far the cleverest thing that Doesticks has done."--_N.Y. Evening Post._

"It overflows with fun, and doctors should recommend it to all their patients who may be troubled with the spleen. Every leaf contains a sketch worthy of Punch."--_Boston Traveller._

"It is full of wit, sarcasm and fun. It is longer than Hiawatha, broader than Hudibras, and deeper than Punch."--_Philadelphia Sun._

LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,

310 BROADWAY, N.Y.

DOESTICKS.

Fully Illustrated with fine tinted Engravings, by the most eminent artists.

An elegant 12mo. vol. bound in Muslin, gilt extra. $1.

LIVERMORE & RUDD, Publishers, 310 Broadway, N.Y.

A BOOK FROM "DOESTICKS."

THE GREAT AMERICAN WIT AND HUMORIST!

ORIGINAL VIEWS OF MEN AND THINGS.

BY Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.

_Fully Illustrated by the most eminent Artists, 12mo., bound in muslin, gilt extra_, $1.

12,773 copies of this remarkable book, were sold in five days following the day of publication; and from every part of the country the demand still continues.

DOESTICKS:

WHAT HE SAYS.

This volume, abounding in mirth-provoking sketches of persons and places, filled with humor, wit, and satire, convulses the reader with laughter from the title-page to the close. In the language of an eminent journalist, who speaks of the book:

"From the first word in the introduction to the last of the narrative, Doesticks' book is a running fire of comicality. In taking up the book, the reader finds himself precisely in the same condition as the man who, after getting into a boat, is borne down a pleasant stream independent of his own volition. He must go on, and he is glad to go on, too."

CONTENTS.

How Doesticks came to think of it; Doesticks satisfies Philander; Doesticks visits Niagara; Doesticks on a Bender; Seeking a Fortune; Railroad Felicities; Sees the Lions; Barnum's Museum; Model Boarding Houses; Potency of Croton Water--or an Aqueous quality hitherto unknown; Modern Witchcraft; City Target Excursion; A New Patent Medicine Operation; Doesticks Running with the "Masheen;" Street Preaching; A Zealous Trio; Disappointed Love; Modern Patent Piety; Church Going in the City; Benevolence run mad; Charitable Cheating; Millerite Jubilee--How they didn't go up; The Great "American Tragedian;" "Side Shows" of the City; New Year's Day in New York Amusement for the Million; A 2:40 Sleigh Ride; Cupid in Cold Weather; Valentine's Day; The Kentucky Tavern; The River Darkies; The Thespian Wigwam; Theatricals again; A Night at the Bowery; Mysterious Secrets of the K.-N.'s; A Midnight Initiation, Philander Fooled; A Diabolical Conspiracy; A Shanghae Infernal Machine; An Evening with the Spiritualists; Rampant Ghostology; Special Express from Dog Paradise; A Canine Ghost; 'Lection Day; "Paddy" _versus_ "Sam;" Police Adventures; Mayor Wood Around; Damphool Defunct; Place of his Exile; Description Thereof--and Exit; Keeping the Maine Law; Theatricals once more; Shakespeare Darkeyized; Macbeth in High Colors; Young America in Long Dresses; Great Excitement is Babydom.

NOTICES OF THE PRESS

_The Home Journal_ (_N.P. Willis, Esq., Editor_), _says_:

"Things so copied, so talked of, so pulled out of every pocket to be lent to you, so quoted and so relished and laughed over, as Doesticks' writings never were launched into print."

"This book will 'take,' and is bound to sell."--_Boston Post._

"One can read the book again and again, and not tire."--_Detroit Daily Advertiser._

"Any mirth-inclined reader will get the book's worth of fun out of four chapters in the work. It is beautifully illustrated."--_N.Y. U.S. Journal._

"We can promise our readers a hearty laugh over this book."--_New Bedford Mercury._