The Grand Cham's Diamond: A Play in One Act
Part 2
Oh, Ma!
ALBERT
What is it? Have you got it?
MRS PERKINS
I’ve got it right enough.
[_She carries the clock to the chimneypiece, opens it, and takes out the diamond._
Will that gentleman come back?
ALBERT
No, he won’t.
MRS PERKINS
How d’ y’ know?
ALBERT
I know.
MRS PERKINS
Polly, just put that blind back, will yer? I don’t like bein’ too public.
MISS PERKINS
Oh! I daren’t.
ALBERT
Now, ma’am, give it to me.
MRS PERKINS
Eh?
ALBERT
Let’s have it. Quick.
MRS PERKINS
Where d’ you come in, Albert?
ALBERT
Come on. This’ll be the making o’ me.
MRS PERKINS
O’ me too, I ’ope. But ’adn’t we all better be movin’?
MISS PERKINS
Where to, Ma?
MRS PERKINS
Out at the back door. Pack a few things in a bag.
ALBERT
What are y’ up to? Whad’ y’r mean?
MRS PERKINS
Now, Albert, there’s no time to make explanations. We’re all in at this, aren’t we?
ALBERT
Well--in a way. But look here----
MRS PERKINS
South America’s the place, isn’t it? D’ y’ know anythin’ o’ the sailin’s! Or ’ad we better cross to France? Better take the midnight train somewhere.
ALBERT
Has she gone dotty?
MRS PERKINS
Y’re all asleep. Come on, Polly. A few things in a bag. Now, Pa. Better put this light out p’raps. Is the front door shut? Look at the time-table, Pa.
[_She is making for the door when Albert intercepts her._
ALBERT
Give me the diamond. I dunno what y’re talkin’ about.
MRS PERKINS
Nay, I stick to this.
ALBERT
You can’t! What nonsense! Give it here! This job’s the making o’ me. Let’s have it.
MRS PERKINS
Nay, it’s mine an’ I’ll stick to it.
ALBERT
Yours!
MRS PERKINS
Yes. Dimonds like this belongs to them as can get ’em. Nobody’s honest with things like this. I got it an’ y’ shall all share. But it’s mine. It’s mine. Eh! It’s a beauty. I’d stick to this if all the p’lice in London was after me.
ALBERT
Y’d do what?
MRS PERKINS
Ay, an’ Scotland Yard too.
ALBERT
Bah! _I_’m Scotland Yard.
MRS PERKINS
What!
MISS PERKINS
Oh! Albert!
ALBERT
Didn’t y’ know? Didn’t y’ guess? Didn’t y’ understand? What did y’ take me for?
MRS PERKINS
D’y mean to say----?
ALBERT
I mean t’ say it’s ’igh time I was on my way back with this dimond. The gang’s all rounded up by this time.
MISS PERKINS
The gang?
MR PERKINS
That feller was one of ’em, then? Where is he?
ALBERT
He was copped when he left ’ere. Y’ didn’t know y’r ’ouse was surrounded.
MRS PERKINS
But ’ow did the dimond come ’ere? ’Oo threw it in?
ALBERT
I did.
MISS PERKINS
You!
MR PERKINS
You did!
ALBERT
I did that.
MR PERKINS
Why?
ALBERT
Becos they were after me. I was a dead man if I stuck to it then. I threw it in ’ere to gain time and knowin’ the ’ouse.
MISS PERKINS
Well, I never!
ALBERT
They’re a desp’rate lot.
MR PERKINS
It’s all most unusual. Never since I’ve been an ’ouse’older ’ave I----
MISS PERKINS
Oh, Albert! You might ’ave told me.
ALBERT
I ’ad my reasons.
MRS PERKINS
Y’re a detective, then?
ALBERT
I am that. So let’s ’ave it. I tell yer I must be off.
MRS PERKINS
(_Holding up the diamond, but away from him._) Look at it, Albert!
ALBERT
I see it.
MRS PERKINS
Can y’ be honest? Look at it!
ALBERT
She’s off ’er chump.
MR PERKINS
She doesn’t reelly mean it. I’ve borne a ’igh character all my life.
MRS PERKINS
(_Passionately._) It’s _my_ dimond.
MISS PERKINS
I’m ashamed of my ma.
MR PERKINS
My employers ’as always put the utmost confidence in me.
ALBERT
What’s she up to? Now ma’am, you’ll just ’and that over or----
MRS PERKINS
Or?
ALBERT
(_He produces a whistle._) I wouldn’t ’andle yer myself.
MRS PERKINS
That’s it, is it?
ALBERT
That’s it.
MRS PERKINS
Then let it go the way it came.
[_She throws it through the window._
MR PERKINS
’Old on. There’s another pane gone!
ALBERT
O ’ell!
[_He rushes out._
MISS PERKINS
You’ll ruin us, Ma.
MRS PERKINS
(_Dusting one hand against the other._) A good shuttance.
MISS PERKINS
(_At the window._) Oh! I hope he’ll find it. There he is, and a policeman’s with him. They’ve got it, I think. Yes. Albert, Albert! I wish he’d look up. They’re seeing if it’s damaged. There! He’s waved his hand.
MRS PERKINS
(_She has settled into her chair_.) Well, we’ve ’ad quite a busy evenin’.
MISS PERKINS
I don’t know what Albert’ll think of you.
MRS PERKINS
’E’s not going to marry me, thank ’eaven.
MR PERKINS
D’ y’ want t’ know what _I_ think of yer?
MRS PERKINS
Go on! Y’ve no ’magernation.
MISS PERKINS
I never thought to be ashamed of my own mother.
MR PERKINS
Wantin’ in the very el’ments of morality. I wonder ’ow Sossiety ’d get on if they was all like you.
MRS PERKINS
Polly, put up that blind. It’s a bit chilly with them broken panes.
MISS PERKINS
Most unladylike as well.
[_They settle down into their chairs again. Mrs Perkins takes up her darning and Mr Perkins the paper. After putting up the blind Miss Perkins returns to her puzzle._
MRS PERKINS
’Ow much did y’ say it was worth, Pa?
MR PERKINS
(_Gruffly._) Never mind.
MRS PERKINS
Well, I ’ad my bit o’ fun for onct.
CURTAIN
Transcriber’s Note
This transcription is based on the 1924 edition published by Gowans & Gray in London and Glasgow. Scanned images of a copy made available by the Bodleian Library are posted by Google:
https://books.google.com/books?id=B2MVAAAAQAAJ
The following changes were made to the printed text:
--The formatting of stage directions following lines—that is, those that begin with an opening square bracket—has been standardized.
--Pg 34: _As he enters she gives way and changes her tactics_—Added a period to the end of the sentence.
--Pg 37: Prove it—Added a period to the end of the line.