Chapter 6

_Side room of a public hall. The rear wall a great arch with columns, through which one looks into the lighted hall and through it into another. On the left, toward the front, a door. On the right, tables and chairs; chandeliers. Later, from time to time distant music. In the hall ladies and gentlemen walking about or standing in groups_. SENDEN, BLUMENBERG, _behind them_ SCHMOCK _coming from the hall_.

SENDEN. All is going well. There is a splendid spirit in the company. These good townspeople are delighted with our arrangements. It was a fine idea of yours, Blumenberg, to have this fête.

BLUMENBEEG. Only hurry and get people warmed up! It's a good thing to begin with some music. Vienna waltzes are best on account of the women. Then comes a speech from you, then some solo singing, and, at supper, the introduction of the Colonel, and the toasts. It can't help being a success; the men must have hearts of stone if they don't give their votes in return for such a fête.

SENDEN. The toasts have been apportioned.

BLUMENBERG. But the music?--Why has the music stopped?

SENDEN. I am waiting for the Colonel to arrive.

BLUMENBERG. He must be received with a blare of trumpets. It will flatter him, you know.

SENDEN. That's what I ordered. Directly after, they start up a march and we bring him in procession.

BLUMENBERG. First rate! That will lend solemnity to his entrance. Only think up your speech. Be popular, for today we are among the rabble.

_Enter guests, among them_ HENNING.

SENDEN (_doing the honors with BLUMENBERG_). Delighted to see you here! We knew that you would not fail us. Is this your wife?

GUEST. Yes, Mr. von Senden, this is my wife.

SENDEN. You here, too, Mr. Henning? Welcome, my dear sir!

HENNING. I was invited by my friend and really had the curiosity to come. My presence, I hope, will not be unpleasant to any one?

SENDEN. Quite the contrary. We are most pleased to greet you here.

[_Guests leave through centre door_; SENDEN _goes out in conversation with them._]

BLUMENBERG. He knows how to manage people. It's the good manners of these gentlemen that does it. He is useful--useful to me too. He manages the others, and I manage him. [_Turning, he sees_ SCHMOCK, _who is hovering near the door_.] What are you doing here? Why do you stand there listening? You are not a door-keeper! See that you keep out of my vicinity. Divide yourself up among the company.

SCHMOCK. Whom shall I go to if I know none of these people at all? You are the only person I know.

BLUMENBERG. Why must you tell people that you know me? I consider it no honor to stand next to you.

SCHMOCK. If it is not an honor it's not a disgrace either; But I can stay by myself.

BLUMENBERG. Have you money to get something to eat? Go to the restaurant-keeper and order something charged to me. The committee will pay for it.

SCHMOCK. I don't care to go and eat. I have no need to spend anything. I have had my supper.

[_Blare of trumpets and march in the distance. Exit_ BLUMENBERG. SCHMOCK _alone, coming forward, angrily_.]

I hate him! I'll tell him I hate him, that I despise him from the bottom of my heart!

[_Turns to go, comes back._]

But I cannot tell him so, or he will cut out all I send in for the special correspondence I write for his paper! I will try to swallow it down!

_[Exit through centre door_.]

_Enter_ BOLZ, KÄMPE, BELLMAUS _by side door_.

BOLZ (_marching in_). Behold us in the house of the Capulets! [_Pretends to thrust a sword into its scabbard._] Conceal your swords under roses. Blow your little cheeks up, and look as silly and innocent as possible. Above all, don't let me see you get into a row, and if you meet this Tybaldus Senden be so good as to run round the corner.

[_The procession is seen marching through the rear halls_.]

You, Romeo Bellmaus, look out for the little women. I see more fluttering curls and waving kerchiefs there than are good for your peace of mind.

KÄMPE. I bet a bottle of champagne that if one of us gets into a row it will be you.

BOLZ. Possibly. But I promise you that you shall surely come in for your share of it. Now listen to my plan of operations. You Kämpe--[_Enter_ SCHMOCK.] Stop! Who is that? Thunder! The factotum of the _Coriolanus_! Our _incognito_ has not lasted long.

SCHMOCK (_even before the last remark, has been seen looking in at the door, coming forward_). I wish you good evening, Mr. Bolz.

BOLZ. I wish you the same and of even better quality, Mr. Schmock.

SCHMOCK. Might I have a couple of words with you?

BOLZ. A couple? Don't ask for too few, noble armor-bearer of the _Coriolanus_! A couple of dozen words you shall have, but no more.

SCHMOCK. Could you not employ me on your paper.

BOLZ (_to_ KÄMPE _and_ BELLMAUS). Do you hear that? On our paper? H'm! 'Tis much you ask, noble Roman!

SCHMOCK. I am sick of the _Coriolanus_. I would do any kind of work you needed done. I want to be with respectable people, where one can earn something and be treated decently.

BOLZ. What are you asking of us, slave of Rome? We to entice you away from your party--never! We do violence to your political convictions? Make you a renegade? We bear the guilt of your joining our party? No, sir! We have a tender conscience. It rises in arms against your proposition!

SCHMOCK. Why do you let that trouble you? Under Blumenberg I have learned to write whichever way the wind blows. I have written on the left and again on the right. I can write in any direction.

BOLZ. I see you have character. You would be a sure success on our paper. Your offer does us honor, but we cannot accept it now. So momentous an affair as your defection needs deep consideration. Meanwhile you will have confided in no unfeeling barbarian. (_Aside to the others_.) We may be able to worm something out of him. Bellmaus, you have the tenderest heart of us three; you must devote yourself to him today.

BELLMAUS. But what shall I do with him?

BOLZ. Take him into the restaurant, sit down in a corner with him, pour punch into every hollow of his poor head until his secrets jump out like wet mice. Make him chatter, especially about the elections. Go, little man, and take good care not to get overheated yourself and babble.

BELLMAUS. In that case I shall not see much of the fête.

BOLZ. That's true, my son! But what does the fête mean to you? Heat, dust, and stale dance-music. Besides, we will tell you all about it in the morning; and then you are a poet, and can imagine the whole affair to be much finer than it really was. So don't take it to heart. You may think you have a thankless role, but it is the most important of all, for it requires coolness and cleverness. Go, mousey, and look out about getting overheated.

BELLMAUS. I'll look out, old tom-cat.--Come along Schmock!

[BELLMAUS _and_ SCHMOCK _leave_.]

BOLZ. We might as well separate, too.

KÄMPE. I'll go and see how people feel. If I need you I'll look you up.

BOLZ. I had better not show myself much. I'll stay around here.

[_Exit_ KÄMPE.]

Alone at last!

[_Goes to centre door_.]

There stands the Colonel, closely surrounded. It is she! She is here, and I have to lie in hiding like a fox under the leaves.--But she has falcon eyes,--perhaps--the throng disperses--she is walking through the hall arm-in-arm with Ida--(_Excitedly_.) They are drawing nearer! (_Irritably_.) Oh, bother! There is Korb rushing toward me! And just now!

_Enter_ KORB.

KORB. Mr. Conrad! I can't believe my eyes! You here, at this fête!

BOLZ (_hastily_). Hush, old chap! I'm not here without a reason. I can trust you--you're one of us, you know.

KORB. Body and soul. Through all the talking and fiddling I've kept saying to myself, "Long live the _Union!"_ Here she is!

[_Shows him a paper in his pocket_.]

BOLZ. Good, Korb, you can do me a great favor. In a corner of the refreshment room Bellmaus is sitting with a stranger. He is to pump the stranger, but cannot stand much himself and is likely to say things he shouldn't. You'll do the party a great service if you will hurry in and drink punch so as to keep Bellmaus up to the mark. You have a strong head--I know it from of old.

KORB (_hastily_). I go! You are as full of tricks as ever, I see. You may rely on me. The stranger shall succumb, and the _Union_ shall triumph.

[_Exit quickly. The music ceases_.]

BOLZ. Poor Schmock! [_At the door_.]

Ah, they are still walking through the hall. Ida is being spoken to, she stops, Adelaide goes on--(_Excitedly_.) she's coming, she's coming alone!

ADELAIDE (_makes a motion as though to pass the door, but suddenly enters_. BOLZ _bows_). Conrad! My dear doctor!

[_Holds out her hand_. BOLZ _bends low over it_.]

ADELAIDE (_in joyous emotion_). I knew you at once from a distance. Let me see your faithful face. Yes, it has changed but little--a scar, browner, and a small line about the mouth. I hope it is from laughing.

BOLZ. If at this moment I feel like anything but laughing it is only a passing malignity of soul. I see myself double, like a melancholy Highlander. In your presence my long happy childhood passes bodily before my eyes. All the joy and pain it brought me I feel as vividly again as though I were still the boy who went into the wood for you in search of wild adventures and caught robin-red-breasts. And yet the fine creature I see before me is so different from my playmate that I realize I am only dreaming a beautiful dream. Your eyes shine as kindly as ever, but--(_Bowing_.) I have scarcely the right still to think of old dreams.

ADELAIDE. Possibly I, too, am not so changed as you think; and changed though we both be, we have remained good friends, have we not?

BOLZ. Rather than give up one iota of my claim to your regard, I would write and print and try to sell malicious articles against myself.

ADELAIDE. And yet you have been too proud all this time even to come and see your friend in town. Why have you broken with the Colonel?

BOLZ. I have not broken with him. On the contrary, I have a very estimable position in his house--one that I can best keep by going there as seldom as possible. The Colonel, and occasionally Miss Ida, too, like to assuage their anger against Oldendorf and the newspaper by regarding me as the evil one with horns and hoofs. A relationship so tender must be handled with care--a devil must not cheapen himself by appearing every day.

ADELAIDE. Well, I hope you will now abandon this lofty viewpoint. I am spending the winter in town, and I hope that for love of your boyhood's friend you will call on my friends as a denizen of this world.

BOLZ. In any role you apportion me.

ADELAIDE. Even in that of a peace-envoy between the Colonel and Oldendorf?

BOLZ. If peace be at the cost of Oldendorf's withdrawal, then no. Otherwise I am ready to serve you in all good works.

ADELAIDE. But I fear that this is the only price at which peace can be purchased. You see, Mr. Conrad, we too have become opponents.

BOLZ. To do anything against your wishes is horrible to me, son of perdition though I be. So my saint wills and commands that Oldendorf do not become member of Parliament?

ADELAIDE. I will it and command it, Mr. Devil!

BOLZ. It is hard. Up in your heaven you have so many gentlemen to bestow on Miss Ida; why must you carry off a poor devil's one and only soul, the professor?

ADELAIDE. It is just the professor I want, and you must let me have him.

BOLZ. I am in despair. I would tear my hair were the place not so unsuitable. I dread your anger. The thought makes me tremble that you might not like this election.

ADELAIDE. Well, try to stop the election, then.

BOLZ. That I cannot do. But so soon as it is over I am fated to mourn and grow melancholy over your anger. I shall withdraw from the world--far, far to the North Pole. There I shall end my days sadly, playing dominoes with polar bears, or spreading the elements of journalistic training among the seals. That will be easier to endure than the scathing glance of your eyes.

ADELAIDE (_laughing_). Yes, that's the way you always were. You made every possible promise and acted exactly as you pleased. But before starting for the North Pole, perhaps you will make one more effort to reconcile me here.

[KÄMPE _is seen at the door._]

Hush!--I shall look forward to your visit. Farewell, my re-found friend!

[_EXIT_.]

BOLZ. And thus my good angel turns her back to me in anger! And now, politics, thou witch, I am irretrievably in thy power!

[_Exit quickly through centre door._]

_Enter_ PIEPENBRINK, MRS. PIEPENBRINK, BERTHA _escorted by_ FRITZ KLEINMICHEL, _and_ KLEINMICHEL _through centre door. Quadrille behind the scenes._

PIEPENBRINK. Thank Heaven, we are out of this crowd!

MRS. PIEPENBRINK. It is very hot.

KLEINMICHEL. And the music is too loud. There are too many trumpets and I hate trumpets.

PIEPENBRINK. Here's a quiet spot; we'll sit down here.

FRITZ. Bertha would prefer staying in the ball-room. Might I not go back with her?

PIEPENBRINK. I have no objection to you young people going back into the ball-room, but I prefer your staying here with us. I like to keep my whole party together.

MRS. PIEPENBRINK. Stay with your parents, my child!

PIEPENBRINK. Sit down! (_To his wife._) You sit at the corner, Fritz comes next to me. You take Bertha between you, neighbors. Her place will soon be at your table, anyway.

[_They seat themselves at the table on the right--at the left corner_ MRS. PIEPENBRINK, _then he himself_, FRITZ, BERTHA, KLEINMICHEL.]

FRITZ. When will "soon" be, godfather? You have been saying that this long time, but you put off the wedding day further and further.

PIEPENBRINK. That is no concern of yours.

FRITZ. I should think it is, godfather! Am I not the man that wants to marry Bertha?

PIEPENBRINK. That's a fine argument! Any one can want that. But it's I who am to give her to you, which is more to the point, young man; for it is going to be hard enough for me to let the little wag-tail leave my nest. So you wait. You shall have her, but wait!

KLEINMICHEL. He will wait, neighbor.

PIEPENBRINK. Well, I should strongly advise him to do so. Hey! Waiter, waiter!

MRS. PIEPENBRINK. What poor service one gets in such places!

PIEPENBRINK. Waiter!

[_Waiter comes._]

My name is Piepenbrink. I brought along six bottles of my own wine. The restaurant-keeper has them. I should like them here.

[_While the waiter is bringing the bottles and glasses_ BOLZ _and_ KÄMPE _appear. Waiter from time to time in the background._]

BOLZ (_aside to_ KÄMPE). Which one is it?

KÄMPE. The one with his back to us, the broad-shouldered one.

BOLZ. And what kind of a business does he carry on?

KÄMPE. Chiefly red wines.

BOLZ. Good! (_Aloud._) Waiter, a table and two chairs here! A bottle of red wine!

[_Waiter brings what has been ordered to the front, on the left._]

MRS. PIEPENBRINK. What are those people doing here?

PIEPENBRINK. That is the trouble with such promiscuous assemblies, that one never can be alone.

KLEINMICHEL. They seem respectable gentlemen; I think I have seen one of them before.

PIEPENBRINK (_decisively_). Respectable or not, they are in our way.

KLEINMICHEL. Yes, to be sure, so they are.

BOLZ (_seating himself with_ KÄMPE). Here, my friend, we can sit quietly before a bottle of red wine. I hardly dare to pour it out, for the wine at such restaurants is nearly always abominable. What sort of stuff do you suppose this will be?

PIEPENBRINK (_irritated_). Indeed? Just listen to that!

KÄMPE. Let's try it.

[_Pours out; in a low voice._]

There is a double P. on the seal; that might mean Piepenbrink.

PIEPENBRINK. Well, I am curious to know what these greenhorns will have to say against the wine.

MRS. PIEPENBRINK. Be quiet, Philip, they can hear you over there.

BOLZ (_in a low tone_). I'm sure you are right. The restaurant takes its wine from him. That's his very reason for coming.

PIEPENBRINK. They don't seem to be thirsty; they are not drinking.

BOLZ (_tastes it; aloud_). Not bad!

PIEPENBRINK (_ironically_). Indeed?

BOLZ (_takes another sip_). A good, pure wine.

PIEPENBRINK (_relieved_). The fellow's judgment is not so bad.

BOLZ. But it does not compare with a similar wine that I recently drank at a friend's house.

PIEPENBRINK. Indeed?

BOLZ. I learned then that there is only one man in town from whom a sensible wine-drinker should take his red wine.

KÄMPE. And that is?

PIEPENBRINK (_ironically_). I really should like to know.

BOLZ. It's a certain Piepenbrink.

PIEPENBRINK (_nodding his head contentedly_). Good!

KÄMPE. Yes, it is well known to be a very reliable firm.

PIEPENBRINK. They don't know that their own wine, too, is from my cellars. Ha! Ha! Ha!

BOLZ (_turning to him_). Are you laughing at us, Sir?

PIEPENBRINK. Ha! Ha! Ha! No offense. I merely heard you talking about the wine. So you like Piepenbrink's wine better than this here? Ha! Ha! Ha!

BOLZ (_slightly indignant_). Sir, I must request you to find my expressions less comical. I do not know Mr. Piepenbrink, but I have the pleasure of knowing his wine; and so I repeat the assertion that Piepenbrink has better wine in his cellar than this here. What do you find to laugh at in that? You do not know Piepenbrink's wines and have no right to judge of them.

PIEPENBRINK. I do not know Piepenbrink's wines, I do not know Philip Piepenbrink either, I never saw his wife--do you hear that, Lottie?--And when his daughter Bertha meets me I ask, "Who is that little black-head?" That is a funny story. Isn't it, Kleinmichel?

KLEINMICHEL. It is very funny! [_Laughs._]

BOLZ (_rising with dignity_). Sir, I am a stranger to you and have never insulted you. You look honorable and I find you in the society of charming ladies. For that reason I cannot imagine that you came here to mock at strangers. As man to man, therefore, I request you to explain why you find my harmless words so astonishing. If you don't like Mr. Piepenbrink why do you visit it on us?

PIEPENBRINK _(rising_). Don't get too excited, Sir. Now, see here! The wine you are now drinking is also from Piepenbrink's cellar, and I myself am the Philip Piepenbrink for whose sake you are pitching into me. Now, do you see why I laugh?

BOLZ. Ah, is that the way things stand? You yourself are Mr. Piepenbrink? Then I am really glad to make your acquaintance. No offense, honored Sir!

PIEPENBRINK. No, no offense. Everything is all right.

BOLZ. Since you were so kind as to tell us your name, the next thing in order is for you to learn ours. I'm Bolz, Doctor of Philosophy, and my friend here is Mr. Kämpe.

PIEPENBRINK. Pleased to meet you.

BOLZ. We are comparative strangers in this company and had withdrawn to this side room as one feels slightly embarrassed among so many new faces. But we should be very sorry if by our presence we in any way disturbed the enjoyment of the ladies and the conversation of so estimable a company. Tell us frankly if we are in the way, and we will find another place.

PIEPENBRINK. You seem to me a jolly fellow and are not in the least in my way, Doctor Bolz--that was the name, was it not?

MRS. PIEPENBRINK. We, too, are strangers here and had only just sat down. Piepenbrink!

[_Nudges him slightly._]

PIEPENBRINK. I tell you what, Doctor, as you are already acquainted with the yellow-seal from my cellar and have passed a very sensible verdict upon it, how would it be for you to give it another trial here? Sit down with us if you have nothing better to do, and we will have a good talk together.

BOLZ (_with dignity, as throughout this whole scene, during which both he and KÄMPE must not seem to be in any way pushing_). That is a very kind invitation, and we accept it with pleasure. Be good enough, dear Sir, to present us to your company.

PIEPENBRINK. This here is my wife.

BOLZ. Do not be vexed at our breaking in upon you, Madam. We promise to behave ourselves and to be as good company as lies in the power of two shy bachelors.

PIEPENBRINK. Here is my daughter.

BOLZ (_to_ MRS. PIEPENBRINK). One could have known that from the likeness.

PIEPENBRINK. This is my friend, Mr. Kleinmichel, and this, Fritz Kleinmichel, my daughter's fiancé.

BOLZ. I congratulate you, gentlemen, on such delightful society. (_To_ PIEPENBRINK.) Permit me to sit next to the lady of the house. Kämpe, I thought you would sit next to Mr. Kleinmichel.

[_They sit down_.]

Now we alternate! Waiter!

[_Waiter comes to him_.]

Two bottles of this!

PIEPENBRINK. Hold on! You won't find that wine here. I brought my own kind. You're to drink with me.

BOLZ. But Mr. Piepenbrink----

PIEPENBRINK. No remonstrances! You drink with me. And when I ask any one to drink with me, Sir, I don't mean to sip, as women do, but to drink out and fill up. You must make up your mind to that.

BOLZ. Well, I am content. We as gratefully accept your hospitality as it is heartily offered. But you must then let me have my revenge. Next Sunday you are all to be my guests, will you? Say yes, my kind host! Punctually at seven, informal supper. I am single, so it will be in a quiet, respectable hotel. Give your consent, my dear Madam. Shake hands on it, Mr. Piepenbrink.--You, too, Mr. Kleinmichel and Mr. Fritz!

[_Holds out his hand to each of them_.]

PIEPENBRINK. If my wife is satisfied it will suit me all right.

BOLZ. Done! Agreed! And now the first toast. To the good spirit who brought us together today, long may he live!--[_Questioning those about him_.] What's the spirit's name?

FRITZ KLEINMICHEL. Chance.

BOLZ. No, he has a yellow cap.

PIEPENBRINK. Yellow-seal is his name.

BOLZ. Correct! Here's his health! We hope the gentleman may last a long time, as the cat said to the bird when she bit its head off.

KLEINMICHEL. We wish him long life just as we are putting an end to him.

BOLZ. Well said! Long life!

PIEPENBRINK. Long life!

[_They touch glasses_. PIEPENBRINK _to his wife_.]

It is going to turn out well today, after all.

MRS. PIEPENBRINK. They are very modest nice men.

BOLZ. You can't imagine how glad I am that our good fortune brought us into such pleasant company. For although in there everything is very prettily arranged--

PIEPENBRINK. It really is all very creditable.

BOLZ. Very creditable! But yet this political society is not to my taste.

PIEPENBRINK. Ah, indeed! You don't belong to the party, I suppose, and on that account do not like it.

BOLZ. It's not that! But when I reflect that all these people have been invited, not really to heartily enjoy themselves, but in order that they shall presently give their votes to this or that gentleman, it cools my ardor.

PIEPENBRINK. Oh, it can hardly be meant just that way. Something could be said on the other side--don't you think so, comrade?

KLEINMICHEL. I trust no one will be asked to sign any agreement here.

BOLZ. Perhaps not. I have no vote to cast and I am proud to be in a company where nothing else is thought of but enjoying oneself with one's neighbor and paying attention to the queens of society--to charming women! Touch glasses, gentlemen, to the health of the ladies, of the two who adorn our circle. [_All touch glasses_.]

PIEPENBRINK. Come here, Lottie, your health is being drunk.

BOLZ. Young lady, allow a stranger to drink to your future prosperity.

PIEPENBRINK. What else do you suppose they are going to do in there?

FRITZ KLEINMICHEL. I hear that at supper there are to be speeches, and the candidate for election, Colonel Berg, is to be introduced.

PIEPENBRINK. A very estimable gentleman.

KLEINMICHEL. Yes, it is a good choice the gentlemen on the committee have made.

ADELAIDE, _who has been visible in the rear, now saunters in_.

ADELAIDE. He sitting here? What sort of a company is that?

KÄMPE. People say that Professor Oldendorf has a good chance of election. Many are said to be going to vote for him.

PIEPENBRINK. I have nothing to say against him, only to my mind he is too young.

SENDEN _is seen in the rear, later_ BLUMENBERG _and guests_.

SENDEN. You here, Miss Runeck?

ADELAIDE. I'm amusing myself with watching those queer people. They act as though the rest of the company were non-existent.

SENDEN. What do I see? There sits the _Union_ itself and next to one of the most important personages of the fête!

[_The music ceases_.]

BOLZ (_who has meanwhile been conversing with_ MRS. PIEPENBRINK _but has listened attentively--to_ MR. PIEPENBRINK). There, you see the gentlemen cannot desist from talking politics after all. (_To_ PIEPENBRINK.) Did you not mention Professor Oldendorf?

PIEPENBRINK. Yes, my jolly Doctor, just casually.

BOLZ. When you talk of him I heartily pray you to say good things about him; for he is the best, the noblest man I know.

PIEPENBRINK. Indeed? You know him?

KLEINMICHEL. Are you possibly a friend of his!

BOLZ. More than that. Were the professor to say to me today: "Bolz, it will help me to have you jump into the water," I should have to jump in, unpleasant as it would be to me just at this moment to drown in water.

PIEPENBRINK. Oho! That is strong!

BOLZ. In this company I have no right to speak of candidates for election. But if I did have a member to elect he should be the one--he, first of all.

PIEPENBRINK. But you are very much prejudiced in the man's favor.

BOLZ. His political views do not concern me here at all. But what do I demand of a member? That he be a man; that he have a warm heart and a sure judgment, and that he know unwaveringly and unquestionably what is good and right; furthermore, that he have the strength to do what he knows to be right without delay, without hesitation.

PIEPENBRINK. Bravo!

KLEINMICHEL. But the Colonel, too, is said to be that kind of a man.

BOLZ. Possibly he is, I do not know; but of Oldendorf I know it. I looked straight into his heart on the occasion of an unpleasant experience I went through. I was once on the point of burning to powder when he was kind enough to prevent it. Him I have to thank for sitting here. He saved my life.

SENDEN. He lies abominably!

[_Starts forward_.]

ADELAIDE (_holding him back_). Be still! I believe there is some truth to the story.

PIEPENBRINK. Well now, it was very fine of him to save your life; but that kind of thing often happens.

MRS. PIEPENBRINK. Do tell us about it, Doctor!

BOLZ. The little affair is like a hundred others and would not interest me at all, had I not been through it myself. Picture to yourself an old house. I am a student living on the third floor. In the house opposite me lives a young scholar; we do not know each other. At dead of night I am awakened by a great noise and a strange crackling under me. If it were mice, they must have been having a torchlight procession for the room was brilliantly illuminated. I rush to the window, the bright flame from the story under me leaps up to where I stand. My window-panes burst about my head, and a vile cloud of smoke rushes in on me. There being no great pleasure under the circumstances in leaning out of the window, I rush to the door and throw it open. The stairs, too, cannot resist the mean impulse peculiar to old wood, they are all ablaze. Up three flights of stairs and no exit! I gave myself up for lost. Half unconscious I hurried back to the window. I heard the cries from the street, "A man! a man! This way with the ladder!" A ladder was set up. In an instant it began to smoke and to burn like tinder. It was dragged away. Then streams of water from all the engines hissed in the flames beneath me. Distinctly I could hear each separate stream striking the glowing wall. A fresh ladder was put up; below there was deathly silence and you can imagine that I, too, had no desire to make much of a commotion in my fiery furnace. "It can't be done," cried the people below. Then a full, rich voice rang out: "Raise the ladder higher!" Do you know, I felt instantly that this was the voice of my rescuer. "Hurry!" cried those below. Then a fresh cloud of vapor penetrated the room. I had had my share of the thick smoke, and lay prostrate on the ground by the window.

MRS. PIEPENBRINK. Poor Doctor Bolz!

PIEPENBRINK (_eagerly_). Go on!

[SENDEN _starts forward_.]

ADELAIDE (_holding him back_). Please, let him finish, the story is true!

BOLZ. Then a man's hand seizes my neck. A rope is wound round me under the arms, and a strong wrist raises me from the ground. A moment later I was on the ladder, half dragged, half carried; with shirt aflame, and unconscious, I reached the pavement.--I awoke in the room of the young scholar. Save for a few slight burns, I had brought nothing with me over into the new apartment; all my belongings were burned. The stranger nursed me and cared for me like a brother. Not until I was able to go out again did I learn that this scholar was the same man who had paid his visit to me that night on the ladder. You see the man has his heart in the right spot, and that's why I wish him now to become member of Parliament, and why I could do for him what I would not do for myself; for him I could electioneer, intrigue, or make fools of honest people. That man is Professor Oldendorf.

PIEPENBRINK. Well, he's a tremendously fine man! [_Rising_.] Here's to the health of Professor Oldendorf! [_All rise and touch glasses_.]

BOLZ (_bowing pleasantly to all--to_ MRS. PIEPENBRINK). I see warm sympathy shining in your eyes, dear madam, and I thank you for it. Mr. Piepenbrink, I ask permission to shake your hand; you are a fine fellow. [_Slaps him on the back and embraces him_.] Give me your hand, Mr. Kleinmichel! [_Embraces him_.] And you, too, Mr. Fritz Kleinmichel! May no child of yours ever sit in the fire, but if he does may there ever be a gallant man at hand to pull him out. Come nearer, I must embrace you, too.

MRS. PIEPENBRINK (_much moved_). Piepenbrink, we have veal-cutlets tomorrow. What do you think? [_Converses with him in a low tone_.]

ADELAIDE. His spirits are running away with him!

SENDEN. He is unbearable! I see that you are as indignant as I am. He snatches away our people; it can no longer be endured.

BOLZ (_who had gone the rounds of table, returning and standing in front of_ MRS. PIEPENBRINK). It really isn't right to let it stop here. Mr. Piepenbrink, head of the house, I appeal to you, I ask your permission--hand or mouth?

ADELAIDE (_horrified, on the right toward the front_). He is actually kissing her!

PIEPENBRINK. Sail in, old man, courage!

MRS. PIEPENBRINK. Piepenbrink, I no longer know you!

ADELAIDE (_at the moment when_ BOLZ _is about to kiss_ MRS. PIEPENBRINK _crosses the stage, passing them casually, as it were, and holds her bouquet between_ BOLZ _and_ MRS. PIEPENBRINK. _In a low tone, quickly to_ BOLZ). You're going too far! You are being watched!

[_Passes to the rear on the left, and exit_.]

BOLZ. A fairy interferes!

SENDEN _(who has already been haranguing some of the other guests, including_ BLUMENBERG, _noisily pushes forward at this moment--to those at the table_). He is presumptuous; he has thrust himself in!

PIEPENBRINK (_bringing down his hand on the table and rising_). Oho! I like that! If I kiss my wife or let her be kissed, that is nobody's concern whatever! Nobody's! No man and no woman and no fairy has a right to put a hand before her mouth.

BOLZ. Very true! Splendid! Hear! Hear!

SENDEN. Revered Mr. Piepenbrink, no offense against you! The company is charmed to see you here. Only to Mr. Bolz we will remark that his presence is causing scandal. So completely opposed are his political principles that we must regard his appearing at this fête as an unwarrantable intrusion!

BOLZ. My political principles opposed? In society I know no other political principle than this--to drink with nice people and not to drink with those whom I do not consider nice. With you, Sir, I have not drunk.

PIEPENBRINK _(striking the table_). That was a good one!

SENDEN _(hotly)_. You thrust yourself in here!

BOLZ _(indignantly)_. Thrust myself in?

PIEPENBRINK. Thrust himself in? Old man, you have an entrance ticket, I suppose?

BOLZ _(frankly)_. Here is my ticket! It is not you I am showing it to, but this honorable man from whom you are trying to estrange me by your attack. Kämpe, give your ticket to Mr. Piepenbrink. He is the man to judge of all the tickets in the world!

PIEPENBRINK. Here are two tickets just exactly as valid as my own. Why, you scattered them right and left like sour grape juice. Oho! I see quite well how things stand! I'm not one of your crowd, either, but you want to get me. That's why you came to my house again and again--because you expected to capture me. Because I am a voter, that's why you're after me. But because this honorable man is not a voter he does not count for you at all. We know those smooth tricks!

SENDEN. But, Mr. Piepenbrink!

PIEPENBRINK _(interrupting him, more angrily)_. Is that any reason for insulting a peaceful guest? Is it a reason for closing my wife's mouth? It is an injustice to this man, and he shall stay here as long as I do. And he shall stay here by my side. And whoever attempts to attack him will have to deal with me!

BOLZ. Your fist, good sir! You're a faithful comrade! And so hand-in-hand with you Philip, I defy the Capulet and his entire clan!

PIEPENBRINK. Philip! Right you are, Conrad, my boy! Come here! They shall swell with anger till they burst! Here's to Philip and Conrad! _[They drink brotherhood.]_

BOLZ. Long live Piepenbrink!

PIEPENBRINK. So, old chum! Shall I tell you what! Since we are having so good a time I think we'll leave all these people to their own devices, and all of you come home with me. I'll brew a punch and we'll sit together as merrily as jackdaws. I'll escort you, Conrad, and the rest of you go ahead.

SENDEN _(and guests)_. But do listen, _revered_ Mr. Piepenbrink!

PIEPENBRINK. I'll listen to nothing. I'm done with you!

_Enter_ BELLMAUS _and other guests_.

BELLMAUS _(hurrying through the crowd_). Here I am!

BOLZ. My nephew! Gracious Madam, I put him under your protection! Nephew, you escort Madam Piepenbrink. (MRS. PIEPENBRINK _takes a firm grip on_ BELLMAUS'S _arm and holds him securely. Polka behind the scene.)_ Farewell, gentlemen, it's beyond your power to spoil our good humor. There, the music is striking up! We march off in a jolly procession, and again I cry in conclusion, Long live Piepenbrink!

THE DEPARTING ONES. Long live Piepenbrink! _[They march off in triumph_. FRITZ KLEINMICHEL _and his fiancée,_ KÄMPE _with_ KLEINMICHEL, MRS. PIEPENBRINK _with_ BELLMAUS, _finally_ BOLZ _with_ PIEPENBRINK.]

_Enter_ COLONEL.

COLONEL. What's going on here?

SENDEN. An outrageous scandal! The _Union_ has kidnapped our two most important voters!