The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel

"My great-grandfather was a philosopher, and why should not his descendants be allowed the privilege of cogitating for themselves? I tell you that Sir Isaac Newton was mistaken....

In one of the border States of the South, in the midst of a romantic scenery, is situated the village of Bella Vista. Being connected by railway with a number of populous towns,...

The excitement occasioned by the terrific combat in the ball-room was intense. On the following morning groups of anxious persons were discussing the probability of a duel betwe...

"None more so," said Belton. "Pate is not more remarkable for his extraordinary genius than for the vast quantity of the milk of human kindness which he has in his composition....

"It has been said that the worst use you can make of a man is to hang him. I think, Captain Bragg, that the next worst is to shoot him."

Toney found Wiggins in his apartment in the hotel. The latter received the representative of Captain Bragg with the formal politeness befitting the occasion. After some conversa...

Botts's ugly countenance now assumed a very peculiar expression. One of those ideas which suddenly rush into a man's mind and master it in a moment presented itself, and immedia...

Just before the peep of day Captain Bragg, accompanied by his second, repaired to the spot selected for the duel. Toney had informed his principal of the terms agreed upon by Wi...

Captain Bragg, with an appetite rendered voracious by his exercise in the open air at so early an hour, made a hearty breakfast on an abundant supply of ham and eggs, which Lord...

It would require the perfection of language to describe the amazement of Captain Bragg when he beheld a slimy figure, looking like one of the powers by whom he continually swore...

Claribel Carrington and Imogen Hazlewood were cousins. The former was an orphan whose father had died in affluence, leaving his only child a large estate. Her home was the magni...

The unhappy victim of unrequited love lay on his back, with his face turned to the ceiling, and his arms folded over his bosom, as if waiting for the undertaker to come and asce...

In the morning Botts, who had been so rudely accosted and so roughly handled by the landlord in the apartment of the unfortunate Long Green Boy, was in close and earnest consult...

After an interchange of salutations, Dove, who was a little man, about five feet three inches in height, most elaborately dressed, tapped the toe of his highly polished French b...

In the afternoon, as the sun was descending towards the western horizon, and the balmy breezes were gently stirring the leaves of the silver maples which shaded the main avenue...

On the morning after the events related in the preceding chapter, the ladies at the hotel could talk of nothing but Love. Love seemed to occupy all their thoughts, and at breakf...

"It is too bad! it is too bad!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, rushing into the room which Toney and the Professor were quietly fumigating with a couple of havanas. "It is terrible to th...

There was no moon, but the stars were brightly twinkling, when Toney, Tom, and the Professor started, in company with Wiggins and M. T. Pate, on a pedestrian excursion to the ma...

"The Funny Philosophers have caused the exodus of the Seven Sweethearts," said the Professor, as the three friends sat in Toney's room in the hotel the morning subsequent to the...

In compliance with the wishes of his two friends, Toney drew from a trunk his manuscript, and laying it on a table before him, said, "You will perceive, gentlemen, that in my fi...

"The very two doctors I saw shaking their fists in each other's faces at Colonel Hazlewood's door," said Tom Seddon. "I thought there would soon be active hostilities between th...

"That was a brilliant charge of cavalry in which you so gallantly participated, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, when the three friends had returned to Toney's room. "In promptn...

"That man on the other side of the street looks like one of the belligerent doctors," said the Professor, as he and Toney stood on the pavement in front of the hotel.

"Simon, my love," said Mrs. Rump, as she handed her affectionate spouse a cup of coffee at breakfast, "what lawyer have you got to speak to the jury in our great case against th...

"Mr. Pate made an astonishing speech," said the Professor to Toney and Tom, the day after the trial; "such a speech as has been seldom listened to by any audience,--a speech tha...

Intense excitement prevailed in the community when the day for the tournament arrived. The governor of the State was expected to be present with his military staff, the adjutant...

In the society of the beautiful Ida, Tom Seddon passed seven days of rapture. Every morning and evening he was at the mansion of the Widow Wild, and had eyes and ears for nobody...

Like one who has committed a great crime, and knows that retributive justice is in close proximity to his heels, Simon Rump fled homeward, on foot, a miserable man. The blows an...

The frequent delivery of his elaborate speech, before an audience of feathered bipeds and amphibious quadrupeds, had fully prepared M. T. Pate for the day of trial. On the morni...

"There are persons so peculiarly constituted as to suppose that all the inhabitants of the terrestrial globe have their minds occupied with thoughts of them," said Toney to the...

"What may be the subject of your meditations?" said Toney to the Professor on the following morning, as he dodged aside to avoid coming in collision with the latter, who was wal...

Circumstantial evidence seemed to corroborate the extraordinary statement of Mrs. Tongue, recorded in the preceding chapter. It was now recollected that no other horse and rider...

When Pate became conscious he was in bed, having been carried home by some laborers, who found him in a sad condition, and thought at first that he was a murdered man. A doctor...

The marriage of Juliet to Romeo had made one young man supremely happy, and another intensely miserable. At a distance of about three miles from the residence of the fair Juliet...

"It was the saddest hour of my life when I parted from Rosabel," said Toney to the Professor, as they stood on the platform at the railway in Mapleton waiting for the train whic...

As the ship moved away from the wharf, and was towed by the steam-tug into the stream, M. T. Pate stood upon the deck, humming a stanza of Byron's celebrated adieu to his native...

"Do not be tossing the queen's English on the horns of an Irish bull," said the Professor. "Yet what you say is measurably true; for when the venerable Timothy is more than ordi...

"Mr. Pate seems to be profoundly meditating upon the immensity of the water contained in the ocean," said the Professor, one afternoon, as he pointed to Pate, who was leaning ov...

This question was asked by a midshipman who came alongside in a boat and was recognized by Toney and the Professor as a former acquaintance. They and Tom Seddon were seated in t...

Upon returning to the city, M. T. Pate met with a misfortune, which gave him sad affliction when he afterwards came to reflect upon his folly. He had throughout the whole course...

The mortification of M. T. Pate at having been compelled to leave the Brazilian Empire as an absconding debtor was intense, and he was now teased and tormented by his comrades i...

After spending a day in Callao, and visiting the site of the ancient town, which had been destroyed by an earthquake, the band of gold-hunters proceeded to the city of Lima. Thi...

On the bright Sabbath morning Toney Belton and his companions were following an immense crowd of people along the banks of the Rimac, in the direction of the bull-fight, when th...

At the hotel in Lima the Professor and his friends found the supercargo of the ship who had come to hunt up the passengers. The captain had been in trouble; the crew having muti...

"This seems to be a city of tents," said the Professor, as they stood on a hill which has long since been removed, and now forms a portion of the artificial foundation for the i...

When M. T. Pate rushed from the hotel in Callao, he had been rendered frantic by the ridicule of the merciless wags by whom he was surrounded. Blinded with passion, he was hurry...

Wiggins and his friends furnished the unfortunate Pate with pecuniary means, and he accompanied them to Chagres and embarked for New York, where in due time they arrived, and im...

By the will of her uncle, Ida was in possession of a large estate. The fair young girl was without a near relative in the world. Colonel Hazlewood kindly undertook the managemen...

"He fell a victim to his ungovernable temper," said the Professor. "On yesterday morning he and I left Hercules cooking some game, and proceeded to a mining-town which we saw at...

He and Clarence then took their rifles and advanced cautiously to the place where Hercules lay in a sound sleep. The reptile was coiled up with its head nearly touching his shou...

Major Stanhope, the father of Dora, and an officer in the army of the United States, had been stationed at San Francisco. His wife was dead and he had no child except Dora. They...

On the following morning, having landed on the soil of Central America, they started across the Isthmus. Dora rode on a little mule, and the Professor walked by her side, holdin...

The happiest month of Tom Seddon's life had rolled round,--the month preceding his marriage with the beautiful Ida. Toney Belton also seemed happy, and so did Rosabel, and the o...

About a week after they were married, Toney and Tom, with their brides, went to Bella Vista, and witnessed the union of Harry Vincent and Imogen Hazlewood, and of Clarence Hasti...