Part 5

"Mamma," said a little girl, "George Washington never told a lie, did he?" Being so assured, she continued: "And I guess pretty nearly everybody else did?" This being likewise admitted as probable, she went on, "I guess even father sometimes tells a fib, doesn't he?" It was hard to admit that, but it had to be. "And, mamma, you tell some once in a while? I know I do." When this was also reluctantly confessed, the child drew a sigh and said, "Oh, mamma! What a lonely place Heaven will be, with nobody in it but God and George Washington!"

THE PRICE OF A DOG

A man had a dog, and the dog was such a poor, miserable cur that everybody wondered at the attachment of the man to such a beast. One day in the barroom of a tavern a number of young men were rallying him on his dog, and wanted to know how much he'd take for his pet. The man said that he loved that dog so much that he couldn't think of parting with him--he "wouldn't take twenty dollars for that dog." His tormentors, knowing him to be thoroughly conscientious, although poor, and that when he had given his word he would never go back on it, got together forty silver half-dollars, piled them up on the bar, and called on him to decide whether he would rather have that miserable dog or all that pile of silver? "No, gentlemen," said he, walking up to the bar and counting the money carefully, "I stick to what I said. I won't take twenty dollars for Pete. It's too much. Nineteen dollars and a half is every cent he's worth. The dog is yours." Leaving one half-dollar on the bar, he scooped the other thirty-nine into his hat.

WHY THE HAWKEYE MAN COULDN'T PAY

Iowa, 12, 3, '06.

Dear Sir:--Your sumptuous letter received, and in reply will say that they come frequently, and it would have afforded the boys much amusement had not the melancholy thought come with it that you had no better sense than to abuse, slander and dun a gentleman.

You speak of honor, if you are honorable you know not whereof you speak. You also speak of causing me much trouble, my land, I have already trouble enough to send a whole brigade of you wise boys over the road fifty times. I will give you a history of this case, and if you are surprised at my actions in regard to your claim for 10.00 you are undoubtedly the worst set of misers on earth.

To begin with in 1891 I bought a restaurant on credit. In 1892 I bought an OX team, a timber cart, a pair of Texas ponies, a gold watch, a breech-loading shotgun, A repeating rifle, A milk cow, A pair of fine hogs, and a set of books all on the instalment plan, and hired hands to dig a fish pond. In 1905 my restaurant burned flat to the ground and never left me a thing, one of my ponies died and I hired the other one to an infernal, insignificant drummer. He killed him driving him too hard. Then I joined the farmers alliance and Methodist church, and took advantage of the homestead exemption and honest debtors' relief law, and then had my applycation wrote out to join the masons. In the latter part of 1905 my father died and my mother married a Mexican. And my brother Bud was lynched for horse stealing. My sister choked to death on a button and I had to pay her funeral expenses.

In 1905 I got burned out again, and I took to drink and soon went through with the interest on what I owed, which was all I had left. My wife run away and left me all the children to take care of. I don't care for anybody and nothing surprises me any more. Now if you feel like tackeling me pitch in, I'll have to stand it, I suppose. But let me give you a gentle tip, getting money out of me is like stuffing butter in a keyhole with a hot awl.

You speak of making no effort to adjust this bill; what is the use? If steam boats were worth two cents apiece I couldn't buy a gang plank. You ask if I thought it would of been more manly to of acknowledged the truth. I answer no, by the way, I don't expect anything but to be pestered by lawyers, collection sharks and other humbugs and grafters, until this pestilence relieves me from their clutches. Be for I die I am going to Petition heigh heaven for a shower of fire and destruction on the whole bunch. And I will particular pray that the storm spend most of its fury on that southern hamlet where you claim to get your mail.

Maliciously and disrespectfully yours,

----.

THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Father had bought and planted a number of dwarf pear trees in the yard around the house. He watched their growth and development with great interest for several years, and when at last one of the trees produced just one pear, all the children in the house were straitly and strictly forbidden to pull that pear off the tree. "Whoever pulls that pear off the tree will get a whipping, and a good one."

The pear grew larger daily, and riper and more lusciously tempting. How the sight of it made our mouths water--especially as it was forbidden to pull it off! However, some one of the children, carefully reasoning that it was not forbidden to touch the pear, nor even to eat it, only that it must not be "pulled off"--bent down the limb that bore it, ate the juicy fruit, and left the core hanging on the tree!

KEEN CUTTERS

They were sitting opposite me in the smoking car, two traveling salesmen, having a quiet game of cards and sharpening their wits between deals with quips, quirks and conundrums.

"You come from Kalamazoo, I believe?" queried the one.

"Yep," said the other, "best old town on the earth."

"D'ye know," drawled the Boston man, "what we Boston people call the people that live in your town?"

"Nope, an' we don't care much, neither. But, just by way of conversation, may I inquire what you call 'em?"

"We call 'em a zoo. See?"

"Yep, I see," said the Kalamazoo man. "And do you know and can you tell me what kind o' people live in your town of Boston?"

"Best and smartest people on earth," was the emphatic answer.

"Well," was the response, "out my way we say that people that live in Boston are nothing but human beans. See? Cut for a new deal."

NAMING THE APOSTLES

After a dinner in one of the most hospitable residences in Washington, a party of very distinguished men--Cabinet ministers, senators, diplomats, scientists and soldiers--sat in the smoking-room, and the conversation drifted from politics to religious questions. Somebody remarked that he once sat in the Union League Club in New York, with Roscoe Conkling, Chester A. Arthur and several other distinguished gentlemen who had been carefully educated in religious families, and that none of them was able to name the Twelve Apostles.

"That's easy," said a senator brashly, beginning: "Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, bless the bed that I lie on, Paul, the two Jameses, Jude, Barnabas--" and there he stopped with some embarrassment.

"Timothy," suggested a major-general, who was a vestryman in an Episcopal Church.

"Nonsense," answered a senator. "Timothy was a disciple of Paul's. He wasn't one of the Twelve Apostles."

"Nicodemus," added one of the company.

"Jeremiah," suggested another.

"Judas was one of the apostles," meekly came from a voice in a corner.

"I'll be blamed if he was. He was a disciple, so far I'll go, but no farther," was the curt reply.

"Weren't the disciples and the apostles the same thing?" inquired the meek voice, getting a little bolder.

Bartholomew was next suggested, and accepted by several.

"What's the matter with Peter?" exclaimed a modest young member of the Diplomatic Corps who had hitherto been silent.

"How many does that make?" somebody asked, and they counted up eleven for sure, with as many more doubtful.

"Lets look in the Bible," some one suggested, and the Good Book was overhauled in vain. Nobody could find the place, some insisting it was in Chronicles somewhere, while other authorities were equally certain of Corinthians. Then an encyclopedia was appealed to, but it was not entirely satisfactory, for it included Thomas and Andrew in the list, and that would make one too many--thirteen, an unlucky number. Besides, the justice of the Supreme Court and two senators were positive that Andrew was not an apostle--all of which teaches the great usefulness and the pressing need of Sunday-schools.

THE REAR GUARD

Artemus Ward was traveling on a slow-going southern road soon after the war. While the conductor was punching his ticket, Artemus remarked: "Does this railroad company allow passengers to give it advice, if they do so in a respectful manner?" The conductor replied in gruff tones that he guessed so. "Well," Artemus went on, "it has occurred to me that it would be well, perhaps, to detach the cow-catcher from the front of the engine and hitch it to the rear of the train. For, you see, we are not likely to overtake a cow; but what's to prevent a cow strolling into this car and biting the passengers?"

THE TURKEY WAS TAME

A gentleman who was buying a turkey from old Uncle Ephraim asked him, in making the purchase, if it was a tame turkey.

"Oh, yais, sir; it's a tame tu'key all right."

"Now, Ephraim, are you sure it's a tame turkey?"

"Oh, yais, sir; dere's no so't o' doubt 'bout dat. It's a tame tu'key all right."

He consequently bought the turkey, and a day or two later, when eating it, came across several shot. Later on, when he met old Ephraim on the street, he said:

"Well, Ephraim, you told me that was a tame turkey, but I found some shot in it when I was eating it."

"Oh, dat war a tame tu'key all right," was Uncle Ephraim's reiterated rejoinder, "but de fac' is, boss, I's gwine to tell yer in confidence, dat dem 'ere shot was intended for me."

BOOMERANG STORIES

During the Civil War a German cavalryman, Hans von Gelder by name, on coming into camp saw at a distance a squad of men who were apparently greatly interested or excited about something.

"Vat's der matter oud dere?" asked Hans.

"Shelling," was the laconic answer.

"Shellin'? Who was giffin' us fits now? Whose gommand is makin' dot shellin'?"

"It's General R----'s command shelling corn for the horses." When Hans finally grasped the idea, he laughed long and loud and determined to make some one else the victim of the jest. Upon returning to his tent he wakened his sleeping comrade and exclaimed:

"Say, I haf got von goot shoke."

"You couldn't get off a joke, Hans, to save your soul."

"Vell, now, you ask me vat dem fellers are doin' ofer dere, undt I vill tell you dot shoke."

"Well, what air they doin' over there?"

"Dey vas shellin' corn for dere hosses. Haw! haw! haw!"

"But that hain't no joke."

"Dond id?" asked Hans in surprise. "Vell, if id dond now, it used to pe."

* * * * *

Sam Ward was once seated opposite a well-known senator at a dinner in Washington. The senator was very bald, and the light shining brilliantly on the breadth of his scalp attracted Ward's attention.

"Can you tell me," said he to his neighbor, "why that senator's head is like Alaska?"

"I'm sure I don't know," was the answer.

"Because it is a great white bear place."

The man was immensely tickled and he at once hailed the senator across the table:

"Say, senator, Ward's just got off a good thing about you."

"What is it? Let's have it."

"Do you know why your bald head is like Alaska?"

"No. Give it up."

"Because it is a great place for white bears."

* * * * *

The following, gentle reader, is given place here purely for the benefit of the next generation:

In a certain court in the good State of Maine, once upon a time, the proceedings were delayed by the failure of a witness by the name of Sarah Mony to arrive. After waiting a long time for Sarah, the court concluded to wait no longer, and his Honor, wishing to crack his little joke, remarked:

"The Court will adjourn without Sarah--Mony."

Everybody laughed except one man who sat in solemn meditation for five full minutes, and then burst out into a hearty guffaw, "I see it! I see it!"

He laughed all the way home, and when he arrived there he tried to tell the joke to his wife, saying that he had been down in the court-house, and they were trying a case, and there was a witness wanted who didn't turn up, and her name was Mary Mony, and so the judge said, "We'll adjourn without Mary Mony--" Ha, ha, ha!

And then his wife said she didn't see anything funny in that, and he said, "I know it, I know it. I didn't at first either. But you will in about five minutes."

* * * * *

"Say, Jenks, old boy," said one man to another on the street, "here's a good one: What's the difference between me and a donkey?"

"Well--what is the difference?"

"Measuring by my eye, I should say it was about three feet."

Jenks, thinking that too good to be lost, carried it home to his wife. "Say, Maria," said he, "what's the difference between me and a donkey?" And the cruel woman with a merry laugh answered, "Not a particle of difference!"

A PROMISING BUSINESS BOY

That was certainly a very enterprising Chicago lad who was found selling tickets to the children in his neighborhood, at a nickel apiece, the tickets entitling the holder to view the eclipse from his mother's back yard.

HE DIDN'T GET IT IN THE NECK

Among the visitors at a Dog Show at Atlantic City, N. J., was a very tall man who complained to an exhibitor that his dog, a very diminutive specimen, had bitten him on the ankle. The exhibitor looked the man over, and then said with a charming down-East drawl:

"Well, stranger, I reckon you are about six feet tall. This here dog o' mine ain't more'n six inches high. He bit you on the ankle, did he? Well, I'm sorry, but you couldn't naturally expect so small a dog to bite you on the neck."

A HARD WITNESS

"Do you know the prisoner well?" asked the attorney.

"Never knew him sick," replied the witness.

"Come--no levity," said the lawyer sternly. "Now, sir, did you ever see the prisoner at the bar?"

"Took many a drink with him at the bar."

"Answer my question," yelled the lawyer. "How long have you known the prisoner?"

"From two feet up to five feet ten inches."

"Will the Court please make the----"

"I have, Jedge," said the witness, anticipating the lawyer. "I have answered his question. I knowed the prisoner when he was a boy two feet long and a man five feet ten."

"Your Honor----"

"It's a fact, Jedge, and I'm under oath," persisted the witness. The lawyer arose, placed both hands on the table in front of him, spread his legs apart, leaned his body over the table and said:

"Will you tell the Court what you know about this case?"

"That ain't his name," answered the witness.

"What ain't his name?"

"Why, Case."

"Who said it was?"

"You did, just now. You wanted to know what I knew about this Case. His name is Smith."

"Your Honor," howled the lawyer, pulling his beard, "will you make the witness answer my questions?"

"Witness," said the judge, "you must answer the questions put to you."

"Land o' Goshen! Hain't I been doin' it, Jedge? Let the blame cuss fire away, I'm ready."

"Then," said the lawyer, "don't beat about the bush any more. You and the prisoner have been friends?"

"Never."

"What! wasn't you summoned here as a friend?"

"No, sir. I was summoned here as a Presbyterian. Nary one of us ever was friends. He's a old-line Baptist without a drop o' Quaker blood in him."

"Stand down," yelled the lawyer in disgust.

"Hey?"

"Stand down!"

"Can't do it. I kin set down, ef ye want me to, or I kin stand up, but I can't stand down."

"Sheriff--remove this man from the box."

Witness retires muttering: "Well, if he ain't the thick-headedest cuss I ever laid eyes on."

IMPOSSIBLE--BUT FUNNY

The Board of Councilmen in a Mississippi town voted the following resolutions at one of their meetings:

"First--Resolved by this council, that we build a new jail.

"Second--Resolved that the new jail be built out of the materials of the old jail.

"Third--Resolved that the old jail be used till the new jail is finished."

This is something like the account an Irish sailor once gave of the execution of a negro on the west coast of Africa. He told how the negro's hands were tied behind his back, and how the executioner cut the man's head off at one clip, and how the headless man stooped down, seized his bloody head and set it up on his neck where it was before! When some bystander remarked that such a thing was impossible, for "How could the man pick up his head from the ground when his hands were tied behind his back?" "Begorry," was the answer, "he done it wid his teeth!"

RURAL JUSTICE

It occurred years ago in the mountain regions in Eastern Tennessee. Some of the natives had been gambling in a tobacco barn, and one of the neighbors, in the interest of good morals, had them up "afore the justice" for it. The squire had a lank specimen of humanity before him and was examining him.

"Now, Zeke, you tell us what you know about this here gamblin'."

"Wot gamblin'?"

"Why, this here gamblin' at Jamison's barn."

"At Jamison's barn?"

"Yes, at Jamison's barn. You was there. Now, what do you know about this gamblin'?"

"Gamblin' at Jamison's barn? Who said there was any gamblin'?"

"Was you at Jamison's?"

"Was I?"

"Yes. Was you there?"

"Where?"

"At Jamison's barn."

"Ye--s. I wuz thar off an' on ever sence it wuz built."

"Was you there last week?"

"Wot--in the barn?"

"I don't know. Was they a-gamblin' there?"

"Wuz who a-gamblin'?"

"That's what I want to know. Was anybody a-gamblin'?"

"A-gamblin'--where?"

"At Jamison's barn. Did you see them gamblin'?"

"Did I see them gamblin', d'ye say?"

"Yes. Was you in close proximity to them a-gamblin'?"

"Zimmity--Zimmity. See here, square, what's this here ye're a-givin' me. Don't you go to projeckin around me that a way. I'm a mountain man, I am, an' I ain't to be fooled with nohow."

"I asked, Zeke, did you see anybody a-gamblin' or not a-gamblin'?"

"Where?"

"At Jamison's barn last week."

"Did I see anybody a-gamblin' last week----"

"Yes, now; that's it."

"Yes. I see some a-gamblin' last week."

"Ah! now we're comin' to it. Who was it you saw a-gamblin' last week?"

"Why, don't you know, you an' me an' Bill was playin' keerds at the mill----"

"Oh--pshaw! I don't mean that. Was anybody gamblin' at Jamison's?"

"Wot--at Jamison's?"

This went on for a full hour, and it all came to one thing. Nobody knew anything about it, and after some talk a weazen-faced, dried-up old man, who had been whittling a piece of bark, said:

"Square, there ain't been nothin' a-proved, and this here case must be stopped. I'll pay the costs."

"Well," said the magistrate, "there ain't been nothin' proved up, an' if you'll pay the costs of one sixty, I'll call this here case a Nolly Prossy."

And then the old man said, "All right, square. Here's yer money fer the costs. I don't mind about payin' 'em seein' as how I won the whole pot anyways."

* * * * *

Let a vote be taken for the wisest man, and every fool will vote for himself.

PURE SCOTCH

Andrew Carnegie, in the smoke-room of the Baltic, talked about Scotch whisky.

"It is a pure but a powerful spirit," he said, smiling. "In Peebles the other day they told me a good story about it.

"It seems that a Peebles lawyer and his clerk had been to a wedding of the real, old-fashioned sort. On the way home the lawyer said, as they were crossing the famous Peebles iron bridge:

"'Noo, Saunders, mon, I'll juist gang on ahead a meenit, an' ye'll tell me if I'm walkin' straucht.'

"So the lawyer walked ahead, and then called back:

"'Straucht, Saunders?'

"'Straucht's a die,' Saunders answered; 'but--hic--wha's that wi' ye?'"

WHY HE WAS A DEMOCRAT

"The old teacher in one of the smaller schools near my native town of Peekskill," said Senator Depew, "had drilled a number of his brightest scholars in the history of contemporary politics, and to test their faith and their knowledge he called upon three of them one day and demanded a declaration of personal political principles.

"You are a Republican, Tom, are you not?" inquired he of the first. "Yes, sir," was the answer. "And, Bill, you are a Prohibitionist, I believe?" "Yes, sir," said Bill. "And, Jim, you are a Democrat?" "Yes, sir," said Jim.

"Well, now," continued the teacher, "the one of you that gives the best reason why he belongs to his party can have this live woodchuck which I caught on my way to school this morning."

"I am a Republican," said the first boy, "because the Republican party saved the country in the war and abolished slavery."

"And I am a Prohibitionist," rattled off the second youth, "because rum is our country's greatest enemy, and the cause of our over-crowded prisons and poorhouses."

"Very excellent reasons, boys, very excellent reasons," observed the teacher encouragingly. "And, now, Jim, why are you a Democrat?"

"Well, sir," was the slow reply, "I am a Democrat because I want that woodchuck!"

FINALLY THE WORM TURNED

A muscular Irishman strolled into the Civil Service examination-room where candidates for the police force are put to a physical test.

"Strip," ordered the police surgeon.

"What's that?" demanded the uninitiated.

"Get your clothes off, and be quick about it," said the doctor.

The Irishman disrobed, and permitted the doctor to measure his chest and legs and to pound his back.

"Hop over this bar," ordered the doctor.

The man did his best, landing on his back.

"Now double up your knees and touch the floor with your hands."

He sprawled, face downward, on the floor. He was indignant but silent.

"Jump under this cold shower," ordered the doctor.

"Sure, that's funny!" muttered the applicant.

"Now run around the room ten times to test your heart and wind," directed the doctor.

The candidate rebelled. "I'll not. I'll sthay single."

"Single?" asked the doctor, surprised.

"Sure," said the Irishman, "what's all this fussing got to do with a marriage license!"

He had strayed into the wrong bureau.

* * * * *

A number of mischievous boys on their way to drive the cows home from pasture one evening, passing by the low and lonely cabin occupied by a poor old woman, hearing some one talking within, peeped through the window and saw the poor old body on her knees before the wide old-fashioned chimney. She was pitifully beseeching God to send her bread. The boys thinking it would be a good joke, ran back home and got some loaves of bread. The old lady was praying still for bread when they returned, all out of breath. They climbed up on the roof quietly and threw the loaves down the chimney, scrambled down to the door and listened to the poor old soul pouring her heart out in thanksgiving to God for sending her bread from heaven. Then they opened the door, and burst in on her with:

"Why, granny! Did you think God sent you that bread? We tumbled it down the chimbley!"

And she said, "Well, boys, God did send it even if the devil did bring it."

NO WATER IN HIS

During a great temperance agitation out in Kansas a man was lecturing in a public school building on chemistry. An interested auditor, a farmer, couldn't at all get the hang of the lecturer's remarks, and asked his neighbor in the next seat: "Say, what does the lecturer mean by oxy-gin and hydro-gin, and what is the difference?" "Well," was the answer, "they come to 'bout the same thing. There ain't enough difference betwixt them to amount to much. You see, by oxy-gin the lecturer means pure gin, and by hydro-gin he means gin and water."

"Thank you, sir," replied Hayseed, "I reckon I'll take oxy-gin. It goes further."

RAISING CAIN

Robert Burdette, in one of his lectures, thus describes scientific education in primeval times: "When a placid but exceedingly unanimous-looking animal went rolling by, producing the general effect of an eclipse, Cain would shout:

"Oh, lookee, lookee, pa! What's that?"