Part 3

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=KNOCKER= A device on doors for rousing people; also, a device on foot for the same purpose.

Laugh-in-one's-sleeve--The direct route to the Funny-Bone.

L

Two heads are better than one--particularly on a Barrel of Money.

=LACE= Among women, lace means lesson; wherefore they combine art and thrift by lessening the waist.

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=LACONIC= Shy on words. From Eng. _lack_, meaning want, and _connection_; want of connection.

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=LAMP= A light.

=LAMPONED= To be lighted on.

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=LARD= Fat.

=LARDER= A fattener.

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=LARK= A short, sweet spree enjoyed by night hawks. Also, an early rising singing-bird. (Dist. bet. "out on a lark," and "up with the lark," an impossible combination).

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=LASSIE= One of the weaker sex.

=LASSITUDE= Slightly weaker.

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=LAUD= Praise for the Almighty.

=LAUDANUM= Prays for himself--after taking.

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=LAUNDRY= A place where clothes are mangled.

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=LAUGH= A peculiar contortion of the human countenance, voluntary or involuntary, superinduced by a concatenation of external circumstances, seen or heard, of a ridiculous, ludicrous, jocose, mirthful, funny, facetious or fanciful nature and accompanied by a cackle, chuckle, chortle, cachinnation, giggle gurgle, guffaw or roar.

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=LAWYER= One who defends your estate against an enemy, in order to appropriate it to himself.

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=LECTURE= An entertainment at which it costs but little to look intelligent.

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=LEGISLATURE=

From Lat. _lego_, to bring together, and _latro_, to bark or bluster; possibly from _lex_, law, and _latens_, unknown. Hence, a company of men brought together to bluster, or a company of law makers who know nothing about law.

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=LEISURE= From Eng., _lazy_, and _sure_; assured laziness.

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=LENT= A Church fast that is slow to go; or something loaned which is slow to come back.

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=LIE= A very poor substitute for the truth but the only one discovered up to date.

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=LIMBURGER= A native of Germany strong enough to do housework; well recommended for cleaning out the dining-room.

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=LIBRARY= From Fr. _libre_, meaning free, and proper name =ANDY=. Something free from Andy Carnegie.

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=LINKS= Found in sausages and golf courses, and both full of hazards.

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=LION= A cruel beast who never patronizes the barber and is always bearded in his den, yet will furnish a close shave if you get near enough.

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=LOBSTER=

The edible lobster is found off the New England Coast. The two-legged species is found everywhere. All kinds are green, but when roasted turn a bright red. Soubrettes are very dependent on both varieties for a living; together they furnish her with food, raiment, flats, diamonds, and occasionally indigestion.

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=LOBSTER-NEWBURG= A dish ordered at hotels by those who usually get beans at home.

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=LOVE= A man's insane desire to become a woman's meal-ticket.

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=LOVER= An ardent admirer who says, "Yes, dearest, I will shovel the snow of the lake so that we can go skating!" and, after marriage remarks, "What! Shovel the snow off the walk for you? Well, I should say not! I'm no chore boy."

Hell is paved with good intentions--also asbestos.

M

A fool and his wife are soon parted. See Alimony.

=MAGAZINE= A receptacle for explosives, literary or mechanical.

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=MAGNATE= One who can float capital in a considerable body of water. From Lat. _magnus_, great, and _nator_, to swim; a great swimmer.

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=MAIDEN LADY= A term applied to an old maid by those who wish to avoid hurting her feelings.

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=MALT= A humble grain which often gets into a ferment, cools off and becomes Stout in its old age.

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=MAN= Something that "Goes first on four feet, then two feet, then three, but the more feet it goes on the weaker it be!"

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=MAN-ABOUT-TOWN= One who is on speaking terms with the head waiter.

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=MANICURE= The only woman who can beat a carpenter at soaking nails.

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=MANNERS= A difficult symphony in the key of B natural.

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=MARK= In Germany, twenty-three cents. In the United States, only Twain.

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=MASCULINE= From Grk. _maskos_, girl, and _eukolos_, easy. Easy for the girls.

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=MASSAGE= A touch, with intent to rub it in.

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=MATRIMONY= A game for women, in which the unmarried half are trying to find a husband and the married half trying not to be found out by one. Both halves are eminently successful.

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=MEAL= According to the Liquor Law, a minute bunch of crumbs entirely surrounded by booze.

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=MEDIUM= A party with one ear in the grave but both hands on your wallet. "Hello, Central! Give me Heaven!"

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=MELODEON= An alleged musical instrument, popular at home, but unpopular next door. From Eng. _melody_, and Latin, _un_, without. Warranted without melody.

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=MENAGERIE= From Fr. _melange_, mixture, and Ger. _riechen_, to smell. A mixture of smells.

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=MESSENGER BOY= From Eng. _miss_, to fail, and Lat. _engeo_, to arrive. One who fails to arrive.

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=METER= The gas man's trysting place. "Meet her in the cellar!"

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=MIND= No matter. =MATTER= Never mind.

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=MINE= A hole in the ground owned by a liar.

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=MINSTREL= A footlight foul that makes its nightly lay in every city.

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=MIRACLE= A woman who won't talk.

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=MIST= Generally, a small, light rain. =SCOTCH MIST= A cloudburst.

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=MITTEN= Something a tender-hearted girl gives a young man when she knows she is going to make it chilly for him.

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=MONEY= Society's vindication of vulgarity.

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=MONOPOLY= A modern device for impoverishing others. From Grk. _monux_, swift-footed, and _polloi_, the people. A swift kick for the people.

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=MOON= The only lighting monopoly that never made money.

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=MORTGAGE= From Fr. _mort_, death, and Eng. _gag_, to choke. A lawyer's invention for choking property to death.

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=MOSQUITO= A small insect designed by God to make us think better of flies.

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=MOTH= An unfortunate acquaintance who is always in the hole. And the only ones who try to get him out are his enemies.

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=MOUSE=

The frequent cause of a rise in cotton.

All gone to 6's and 7's--Ladies' Footwear in Chicago.

N

Time and tide wait for no man--But time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

=NATURE= The author of "The Seasons," an interesting work over which Spring pours, Summer smiles, and Autumn turns the leaves while Winter catches the drift of it all.

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=NECK= A close connection between chin and chest, used for the display of linen, silk, furs, jewelry and skin, fitted with gullet, windpipe, hunger and thirst, and devoted to the rubber industry.

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=NEGRO= One who votes your way. =NIGGER= One who doesn't.

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=NEIGHBOR= One who knows more about your affairs than yourself.

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=NERVE=

Breaking the hair-brush on the disobedient scion, then making him pay for a new one. See revised version, "Spare the rod and spoil the hair-brush!"

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"=NEXT=" The barberous password to the heaven of the shaved and the unshaved.

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=NIP= Something bracing from without or within When felt in the air, it's a frost. When found in a glass, a life saver.

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=NOBILITY= A gang of foreign brigands having abducent designs on the American Damsel and the American Dollar.

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=NON-CONDUCTOR= The motorman.

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=NOSE= A prominent member of the face family, usually a Greek or Roman, who owns the shortest bridge in the world. He is often stuck up in company, but frequently blows himself when he has his grippe. Principal occupations, sniffling, snivelling, sneezing, snorting and scenting, intruding in the neighbors' affairs, stuffing himself without permission and bleeding for others.

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=NOTE= (=PROMISSORY=) "The substance of things long hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

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=NOVEL= A fabric that is often (k)nit in print, though the yarn be well spun.

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=NURSE=

One who keeps setting up the drinks after you're all in.

Out of the frying-pan into the face--Mothers' doughnuts.

O

Many hands make light work--also a good Jackpot.

=OAR=

A popular device for catching crabs.

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=OATS= England's horse-feed, America's breakfast and Scotland's table-d'hote.

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=OATH= A form of speech that has many trials in court, but is never tried in Sunday School.

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=OBESITY=

A surplus gone to waist.

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=OCEAN= An old toper who is always soaked, has many a hard night along the coast, floats many a schooner, lashes himself into a fury because so frequently crossed, and has his barks in every port. At sea, the king of the elements; on shore, a mere surf.

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=OLEOMARGARINE= The White Bread's Burden. From Eng. _olio_, a mixture, and Grk. _margino_, to be furious. A furious mixture.

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=OMNIBUS= A test for Patience, still popular in England. From Grk. _oneiros_, dream, and _baino_, to go or move. A dream of motion.

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=ONION= The all-round strength champion of the Vegetable Kingdom, garlic and cabbage being close rivals.

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=OPERA= A drama that has taken on airs and refuses to speak, yet always sings its own praises. =GRAND OPERA= An excuse for displaying several boxes of jewelry and peaches with pedigrees.

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=OPINION= The prodigal son of Thought. =PUBLIC OPINION= The world's champion pugilist, who has knocked out Law in many a hard fought bout.

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=OPIUM= The real author of "The Dream Book."

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=OPTIMISM= A cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea-kettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose.

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=ORCHARD= The small boy's Eden of today, in which the apple again occasions the fall.

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=OSTRICH= The largest and heaviest bird on earth, yet rated by his owners only as a featherweight.

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=OUTSKIRTS= The only garments which clothe many a metropolis with decency.

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=OVEN= The only sport who enjoys an equally hot time with or without the dough.

Handsome is what hansoms charge.

P

Soap, long deferred, maketh the dirt stick.

=PAIN= A sensation experienced on receiving a Punch, particularly the London one.

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=PALMISTRY= A plausible excuse for holding hands.

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=PANTS= Trousers' Country Cousins.

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=PARACHUTE=

A successful method for getting the drop on the Earth.

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=PARAGON= The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one she mistakenly married.

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=PARENTS= One of the hardships of a minor's life.

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=PASS= A form of transportation issued free to those who are quite able to pay.

=PASSENGER= One who does not travel on a pass. (Antonym for Deadhead). From Eng. _pass_, to go, and Grk. _endidomi_, to give up. One who has to give up to go.

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=PARROT= An individual who can never be held responsible for what he says.

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=PASTRY= A deadly weapon carried by cafes, cooks and newly married housekeepers.

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=PATRIOT= One who is willing to take all of Uncle Sam's bonds in a lump.

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=PAWN=

v. t., To keep property in the family by leaving it all with your Uncle.

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=PAWNBROKER= A mercenary man to whom money is the one redeeming quality.

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=PEACE= A mythical condition of tranquillity frequently reported from the Phillipines.

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=PEACH= A popular synonym for Fair Woman, probably because the peach is largely a skin and stony at heart.

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=PEARL= A small round product manufactured by an oyster, bought by a lobster and worn by a butterfly.

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=PENITENT= From _pen_, meaning to write, and _intent_, meaning determination. One who determines for the right.

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=PESSIMIST= One who paints things blue. And sometimes red.

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=PHILISTINE= In Bible times, one who worried the children of Israel; today, one who worries only himself. From Grk. _phloios_, bark, and _tino_, to punish. One who barks to punish.

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=PHILANTHROPIST= One who returns to the people publicly a small percentage of the wealth he steals from them privately.

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=PHILOSOPHER= One who instead of crying over spilt milk consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

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=PHILOSOPHY= Something that enables the rich to say there is no disgrace in being poor.

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=PIANO= A tool frequently used in building a Rough House.

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=PIN= The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance--of remarkable penetration and true as steel, seldom loses its head, follows its own bent and carries its point in whatever it undertakes.

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=PING-PONG= A game invented for the benefit of furniture and crockery dealers.

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=PITY= An emotion awakened in a man's mind when he beholds the children of a woman who might have married him instead.

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=PLATONIC LOVE= An arrangement in which a man and woman attempt a correct imitation of a pair of icicles--and never succeed.

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=PLENTY= A desirable condition that is likely to step out whenever Extravagance steps in.

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=PLUM= A fruit that ripens and falls from the Political Tree--but only after careful grafting.

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=PLUMB= To ascertain the capacity of.

=PLUMBER= One who ascertains the capacity of your purse, soaks you with a piece of lead and gets away with the money--a process vulgarly known as "a lead-pipe cinch."

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=POLE-CAT= A small animal to be killed with a pole, the longer the pole the better.

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=POLICEMAN=

A never present help in time of trouble.

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=POLYGAMY= A thoughtless way of increasing the family expenses.

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=POLYGLOT= A parrot that can swear in several languages.

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=POSTSCRIPT= The only thing readable in a woman's letter.

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=PRETZEL= The bar-keeper's promoter.

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=PROTECTION= Originally, the swaddling clothes of the infant, Industry; now, merely the shoe-lacings for the giant, Monopoly.

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=PRO= and =CON= Prefixes of opposite meaning. For example, Progress and Congress.

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=PRUDE= A native of Boston.

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=PRUDENCE= A quality of mind that restrains the wise boarder from trying to find out how his landlady makes her hash.

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=PRUDERY= A quality that displays a lack of modesty as a wig does a loss of hair.

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=PRUNE= A plum that has seen better days: the boarding-house veteran and the landlady's pet; badly wrinkled, yet well preserved.

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=PUGILIST= A close-fisted party who is often roped in but never gives up till he's out.

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=PULLMAN PORTER= A legalized train-robber.

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=PUNCH= A weekly obituary notice from London, chronicling the death of Humor.

Never make a mountain out of a mole-hill--Try gold, silver, copper or radium--there's more in it.

Q

Charity begins at home--but ends when you reach The Cook.

=QUACK= The Duck family's favorite physician.

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=QUAIL=

v. t., To shrink--a characteristic of the bird when ordered in a restaurant.

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=QUEEN= One entitled to rule a nation, make up a deck, or beat a knave.

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=QUESTION= Is marriage a failure?

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=QUEUE= The only Mongolian line connecting America and China.

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=QUORUM= A clumsy individual, all Ayes and Noes, who is seldom on hand when needed.

Faint heart never won fair lady--but a full purse can always pull the trick.

R

Man proposes, then woman imposes.

=RABBIT= A small rodent, very similar to a hare, which feeds on grass and burrows in the earth. =WELSH RABBIT= More like a string, thrives on cheese and burrows in the stomach.

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=RACE-TRACK= An interesting locality, where pools are bought and sold in books and the heat never interferes with the search for the Pole.

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=RADIUM= A radiant radiator, redolent of ranging radial rays of radio-activity, raised to radical rates and regarded as a ruthless rake-off in the reign of riches within the arrayed radius of a raging, raving and raided race.

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=RAG-TIME= Music pulled into many pieces--the invention of a flannel-mouth to which many have cottoned.

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=RAPID TRANSIT= A municipal myth, circulated for the amusement of the long suffering--and slow moving--public.

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=REFORM= In general, a periodic epidemic, starting with marked heat, followed by a high fever, and accompanied by a flow of ink in the newspapers, a discharge of words from the face and a rush of blood to the polls, leaving the victim a chronic invalid until the next campaign. In New York, reform has been confined to a Low attempt at government.

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=REFORMER= One who, when he smells a rat, is eager to let the cat out of the bag.

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=REGISTER=

The only autograph album which it costs you money to write in.

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=REGRETS= An excuse for non-attendance at a social function. Occasionally, an expression of sorrow; usually, a paean of praise at deliverance from evil.

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=RELATIONS= A tedious pack of people who haven't the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

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=RELIGION= A cloak used by some persons in this world who will be warm enough without one in the next.

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=R.E. MORSE= A veteran General who commands the largest army in the world.

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=REPARTEE= The sassy habit of talking back.

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=REPUTATION= A personal possession, frequently not discovered until lost.

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=RESIDENCE= A rural locality inhabited annually--for a few hours--by a rich New Yorker or Bostonian.

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=RESOLUTION= A fragile bit of crockery fashioned on the first day of January and usually broken on the second.

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=RESORT= (=SUMMER=) A place where the tired grow more tired. From Eng. _rest_, and Grk. _orizo_, to limit. A place where rest is limited.

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=REST= A trade in which every hobo holds a Union Card for life.

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=RESTAURANT= An institution for the spread of dyspepsia. From Lat. _restauro_, to repair, and Grk. _anti_, against. After patronizing, you're "up against repairs."

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=RHETORIC= Language in a dress suit.

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=RICE= An effective field-piece, used for assaulting Chinamen or the newly-married.

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=ROQUEFORT= A kind of cheese whose odor puts it easily in the first rank.

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=ROYCROFTER= A successful book-maker on the East Aurora turf. From Fr. _roi_, king, and old Saxon _crofter_, or grafter. King of Grafters.

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=RUMOR= The long-distance champion of the Human Race--a monster with more tales than an octopus.

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=RUST= Physical dullness.

=RUSTIC= Mental dullness.

Beggars should never be choosers--though the beggar often chews what he begs.

S

A miss is as good as her smile.

=SADDUCEE= A person holding skeptical religious views. Hopeless, hence sad you see.

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=SAILOR= A man who makes his living on water but never touches it on shore.