Part 2

=DISCRETION= An instinctive perception that enables us to say, "Oh, shut up!" to the small, weak man, and "I beg your pardon, but I do not entirely agree with your views," to the large, strong one.

* * * * *

=DIVE= A gambler's retreat.

=DIVIDENDS= A gambler's reward.

* * * * *

=DIVORCE= Nominally, separation of husband and wife from the bonds of matrimony. In the vicinity of Newport it is frequently a legal formula that immediately precedes a fashionable wedding.

* * * * *

=DOCK= A place for laying up.

=DOCTOR= One who lays you up.

* * * * *

=DREAM= What a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have suggested it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come true; wives, because they're often a night-mare, and both because they go by contraries.

* * * * *

=DRAFT= (=DRAUGHT=) What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill.

* * * * *

=DROP-STITCH= A kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the men from paying too much attention to the open-work, "peek-a-boo" shirt-waist.

* * * * *

=DRUM= Something noisy, and made to beat.

=DRUMMER= Something noisy, but impossible to beat. From the Grk. _drimus_, meaning sharp. Hence, something sharp, that always carries its point and sticks whoever it can.

* * * * *

=DUST= Mud with the juice squeezed out.

* * * * *

=DYNAMITE=

The peroration of an anarchist's argument.

* * * * *

=DYSPEPSIA= A good foundation for a bad temper.

Out of sight, only in mind.--_Ballad of the Blind Beggar_.

E

A word to the wise is useless.

=EAGLE= The national bird of a Christian country; (the United States.) Presumably chosen on account of its being a bird of pray.

* * * * *

=EARL= A title of nobility.

=EARLY= A title of stupidity. See old saw,

"Early to bed and early to rise, Makes a man a farmer!"

* * * * *

=EARTH=

A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.

* * * * *

=ECHO= The only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word.

* * * * *

=ECONOMY= Denying ourselves a necessary to-day in order to buy a luxury to-morrow.

* * * * *

=EGG=

A wholesome, yet fowl, product, of no use until broken. Sometimes a cure for indigestion or bad acting.

* * * * *

=ELECTION=

A periodical picnic for the American People. Held in booths, where the Voter puts in his ballot, and The Machine elects whatever it chooses. A day when the lowliest may make their mark and even beggars may ride; when the Glad Mit gets promiscuous and everything is full--particularly the lodging-houses.

* * * * *

=ENCORE= A greedy theatre-goer's desire to get more than his money's worth. From the Fr. _en_, among, and _cochon_, pig,--common among pigs.

* * * * *

=ENGAGEMENT= In war, a battle. In love, the salubrious calm that precedes the real hostilities.

* * * * *

=ENTHUSIAST= One who preaches four times as much as he believes and believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.

* * * * *

=EPITAPH= A statement that usually lies above about the one who lies beneath.

* * * * *

=EQUATOR=

An imaginary line around the earth. Recently held by J.P. Morgan.

* * * * *

=ERR= To make a mistake.

=ERRATIC= Full of mistakes.

* * * * *

=ETHER= One of the world's three great composers--the others being Gas and Chloroform--whose airs are popular among the suffering.

* * * * *

=ETIQUETTE= A convenient code of conduct which makes Lying a virtue and Snobbishness a righteous deed.

* * * * *

=EVOLUTION= A clever trick performed by one Darwin, who made a monkey of Adam.

* * * * *

=EXCURSION= From _ex_. former, and Grk. _kairo_, to enjoy. Hence, a tiresome journey--formerly an enjoyment--sold at half price.

* * * * *

=EXERCISE= Bodily exertion requiring a $10,000 gymnasium, a ten-acre lot and impossible raiment. Originally confined to the wash-tub and the wood-pile.

* * * * *

=EXPANSION= A combination of Grand Larceny and Piracy, involving the destruction of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence.--Boston.

The benevolent assimilation of previously oppressed peoples--Washington, D.C.

A doubtful commercial experiment.--Wall Street.

The white man's burden.--Kipling.

* * * * *

=EXPLOSION= A good chance to begin at the bottom and work up.

* * * * *

=EXPOSITION= An overgrown Department Store, usually opened a year or two behind time.

It's never too late to spend.

F

A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet.

=FACE= A fertile, open expanse, lying midway between collar button and scalp, and full of cheek, chin and chatter. The crop of the male face is hair, harvested daily by a lather, or allowed to run to mutton-chops, spinach or full lace curtains. The female face product is powder, whence the expression, "Shoot off your face." Each is supplied with lamps, snufflers and bread boxes.

* * * * *

=FAILURE= The quickest method known for making money.

* * * * *

=FEINT= A pugilist's bluff.

=FAINT= A woman's bluff.

* * * * *

=FAITH= A mental accomplishment whereby an ear-ache becomes a Symphony Concert, a broken finger a diamond ring and a "touch" an invitation to dine.

* * * * *

=FAKE= A false report.

=FAKIR= A false reporter.

* * * * *

=FAME= Having a brand of cigars named after you.

* * * * *

=FAMILY=

Originally a wife and several children, a matter of pride to the possessor. Now obsolete among the careful, or confined to the wife, a bull pup and a canary bird.

* * * * *

=FARE.= The cost of a ride. See old adage, "Only the brave can work their fare."

* * * * *

=FAULT= About the only thing that is often found where it does not exist.

* * * * *

=FICTION.= The Constitutional fiat that "all men are created equal."

* * * * *

=FIDDLER= A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso who refuses to play a real tune.

* * * * *

=FIRMNESS= That admirable quality in ourselves that is detestable stubbornness in others.

* * * * *

=FIG= Nothing. Note, "I don't care a fig," etc.

=FIG LEAF= A small outer garment, next to nothing, worn by Adam 4000 B.C. and occasionally revived by Bostonian Art Committees.

* * * * *

=FISHING= An heroic treatment tried by some laymen to avoid falling asleep in church on Sunday.

* * * * *

=FLAT= A series of padded cells, commonly found in cities, in which are confined harmless monomaniacs who imagine Home to be a Sardine Box.

* * * * *

=FLATTERY= Cologne water, to be smelled of but not swallowed.

* * * * *

=FLUE= An escape for hot air.

=FLUENCY= The art of releasing the same.

* * * * *

=FLUSH= From Grk. _phlox_, heat. A rush of color to the cheek, or hand, caused by bodily--or poker--heat.

* * * * *

=FLY= A familiar summer boarder who mingles with the cream of society, gets stuck on the butter and leaves his specs behind.

* * * * *

=FLY-SCREEN= An arrangement for keeping flies in the house.

* * * * *

=FOOT= The understanding of a girl from the west.

=FOOT-PATH= Chicago, Ill.

* * * * *

=FOOTBALL= A clever subterfuge for carrying on prize-fights under the guise of a reputable game.

* * * * *

=FOREIGNER=

One who is eligible to the police force. From Grk. _fero_, to carry off, and _enara_, spoils. One who carries off the spoils.

* * * * *

=FORBEARANCE= The spirit of toleration shown when a man who knows, patiently listens to a fool who does not.

* * * * *

=FRANC= Twenty cents, in French.

=FRANKFURTERS= Four for twenty, in German. Derived from _frank_, open, and _fortitude_, meaning brave. Sold in the open and eaten by the brave.

* * * * *

=FROST= An old flame after the engagement is broken off.

* * * * *

=FUN= Joy.

=FUNCTION= Devoid of joy.

As ye sew, so shall ye rip.

G

Money makes the mayor go.--_Proverbs of Politics._

=GALLON= From the Fr. _galonner_, to make tight. Note, one is sufficient.

* * * * *

=GALLANTRY= This word is now almost obsolete. It was formerly employed to express a deferential attention on the part of the man who in a crowded car gave up his seat to the ladies.

* * * * *

=GAMBLER= From the Grk. _gumnos_, stripped to the skin. And the gambler's the one that does it.

* * * * *

=GARDEN= From the Fr. _garantir_, to make good. Hence, a place where lovers make good.

* * * * *

=GARLIC= From Grk. _gar_, for, and Lat. _liceor_, to bid. Good for the biddies.

* * * * *

=GEM= A breakfast muffin. With the newly married, syn. for "a precious stone."

* * * * *

=GERM= A bit of animal life living in water.

=GERMAN=

More animal life, living on beer.

* * * * *

=GIRAFFE= The champion rubber-neck of the world, and the longest thirst on record.

* * * * *

=GLOBE= An all-round proposition which has furnished its shareholders a living for several thousand years, though its stock is two-thirds water.

* * * * *

=GOAT= The honored founder and oldest inhabitant of Harlem, N.Y. Elsewhere, not in good odor.

* * * * *

=GOLF= An excuse for carrying unconcealed weapons and a Scotch breath.

* * * * *

=GONDOLA= A pleasure craft which plies in Venice, at World's Fairs and other popular watering places. From Eng. _gone_, and Lat. _dolor_, sadness, or Eng. _dollar_. Sadness gone; also, a gone dollar.

* * * * *

=GORE= Blood. Shed daily in Chicago abattoirs but never spilled in French duels.

* * * * *

=GOSSIP= Derived either from the Grk. _gups_, vulture, or Fr. _gosier_, wind-pipe. Hence, a vulture that tears its prey to bits, or an exercise of the wind-pipe from which every victim gets a blow.

* * * * *

=GOUT= The undesirable scion of High Living, which frequent the lowest joints and is mentioned only in the Invalid's Foot-Notes.

* * * * *

=GOWN= From Lat. _gaudium_, joy. A thing of beauty and a joy forever; if from Paris, generally an article of some Worth.

* * * * *

=GUNPOWDER= A black substance much employed in marking the boundary lines of nations.

* * * * *

=GUM= A substance for sticking.

=GUM-GAME= A game in which some one is stuck.

* * * * *

=GUTTER= A school in which we may study the dregs of humanity or read the reflection of the stars.

There's many a slip twixt the toe and the heel.

H

Where there's a will there's a lawsuit.

=HAIR-DRESSER= A linguist whose position in life enables him to do his head-work with his hands.

* * * * *

=HAMMER= A small, busy implement carried by blacksmiths, geologists and Knockers for breaking iron, rock or friendship.

* * * * *

=HAMMOCK= From the Lat. _hamus_, hook, and Grk. _makar_, happy. Happiness on hooks. Also, a popular contrivance whereby love-making may be suspended but not stopped during the picnic season.

* * * * *

=HAND= A much desired possession, supplied by The Damsel or The Dealer. =GLAD HAND=. The beggar's plea, the politician's sceptre and the drummer's ablest assistant.

* * * * *

=HANDMAIDEN= A manicure.

* * * * *

=HARANGUE= The tiresome product of a tireless tongue. From Eng. _hear_, and Lat. _angor_, pain. Painful to hear.

* * * * *

=HARMONY= From the Grk. _arnumi_, strain. Hence, full of strains.

* * * * *

=HASH=?

* * * * *

=HATCH= To develop eggs.

=HATCHWAY= Place for developing eggs; a hen-coop.

* * * * *

=HAY-FEVER= A heart trouble caused by falling in love with a grass widow.

* * * * *

=HEARSE= Seen on the dead.

=HEARSAY= Heard on the dead.

* * * * *

=HEARSE= A handsome vehicle in which the man who has always been a tail-ender is finally permitted to lead the procession.

* * * * *

=HEART= A bloody organ, kept in a trunk, played by beats, and enjoyed only after it is lost or given away.

* * * * *

=HEAVE= To raise.

=HEAVEN= A good place to be raised to.

* * * * *

=HEDGE= A fence.

=HEDGEHOG= One who hogs the fences. A Bill-Poster.

* * * * *

=HELL= Poverty.

* * * * *

=HEREDITY= The cause of all our faults. From Fr. _here_, wretch, and Eng. _ditty_, song. The song of the wretched.

* * * * *

=HEROISM=

A transferable ticket to the Haul of Fame. Once held by Hobson and Dewey, now carried by Mother Eddy and Brother Dowie.

* * * * *

=HIP= A popular location for the retail liquor business.

* * * * *

=HISTORY= The evil that men do.

* * * * *

=HIT= A chance for first place, first base or first blood.

* * * * *

=HOCK= v. t. To "soak" what we least need. In Germany, they generally "Hock the Kaiser."

* * * * *

=HOMOEOPATHY= See Allopathy.

* * * * *

=HOOT MON=! The Scottish National Hymn.

* * * * *

=HOP= To skip.

=HOPPER= A skipper.

* * * * *

=HOPE= A desire for better things to come that makes a grass widow willing to try it again. Also, a draft on futurity, sometimes honored, but generally extended.

* * * * *

=HORN= A sharp point.

=HORNET= Still sharper.

* * * * *

=HORSE-SENSE= A degree of wisdom that keeps one from betting on the races.

* * * * *

=HOSE= Man's excuse for wetting the walk.

=HOSIERY= Woman's excuse for walking in the wet.

* * * * *

=HOTEL= A place where a guest often gives up good dollars for poor quarters.

* * * * *

=HOUSECLEANING= A domestic upheaval that makes it easy for the government to enlist all the soldiers it needs.

* * * * *

=HUG= A roundabout way of expressing affection.

* * * * *

=HUMOR= An outbreak, either of skin or brains frequently branded as Rash.

* * * * *

=HUNGER= Ability to eat in a Night Lunch Cart.

* * * * *

=HUSBAND= The next thing to a wife. From Eng. _hussy_, woman, and _bond_, tie. Tied to a woman.

* * * * *

=HYDRANT= From Grk. _hudros_, water, and Eng. _ante_, to give up. Something that gives up water. (A good synonym for Dipsomaniac).

* * * * *

=HYPOCRITE= A horse dealer. From Grk. _hippos_, horse, and _kroteo_, to beat. One who beats you on a horse trade.

Home is where the mortgage is.

I

Aim at a chorus-girl and you may hit a star.--_Stage-Door Secrets_.

=ICE= A substance frequently associated with a tumble in winter, a tumbler in summer, and a skate the year around.

* * * * *

=ICEMAN= A cool proposition who has Axe-cess to the best families, makes his Weigh in every home and can take his Pick in the kitchen, if he leaves his Chips in the street. "How'd You Like to be The Iceman?"

* * * * *

=IDIOT= From Eng. _idea_, and _out_. One who is just out of ideas.

* * * * *

=IDLE= Useless.

=IDOLIZE= To make useless.

* * * * *

=IMPECUNIOUS= To be in a state of poverty. From Eng. _in_, and Lat. _pecco_, to sin, poverty being the greatest of all sins.

* * * * *

=IMPERIOUS= From Eng. _imp_, devil and _aerial_, airy. Airy as the devil.

* * * * *

=INCANDESCENT LIGHT=

From Lat. _incendo_, to burn, and Eng. _cent_, meaning money. An invention for burning money.

* * * * *

=INCOME= The reliable offspring of a wise investment. From Lat. _in_ and _coma_, meaning sleep. Money which works while you sleep.

* * * * *

=INDEPENDENCE= Self government. Good enough for a Cuban, but too good for a Filipino.

* * * * *

=INDIGESTION= A distressing stomach trouble that is sometimes temporarily relieved by kicking the cat or whipping the children.

* * * * *

=INDIVIDUALITY= A harmless trait possessed by one's self. The same trait in others is downright idiocy.

* * * * *

=INDORSE= To write on the back of; the best indorsed man in town being the Sandwich-Man.

* * * * *

=INFANT= A disturber of the peace.

=INFANTRY= A defender of the peace.

* * * * *

=INHABITANT= A native of any village, town or city. =OLDEST INHABITANT= The Champion Liar.

* * * * *

=INTUITION= A fictitious quality in females--really Suspicion.

* * * * *

=IRRITANT= Something which irritates. =COUNTER IRRITANT= A woman shopping.

* * * * *

=ISLAND= A place where the bottom of the sea sticks up through the water.

* * * * *

=ISOLATION= From Eng. _ice_, meaning cold, and Lat. _solus_, alone. Alone in the cold.

After dinner sit a while, after supper walk a mile- And every meal's a supper to the Hobo.

J

Lies have no legs--That's why we all have to stand for them.

=JACK= An instrument requiring a strong arm, and used for raising heavy weights, or for pulling off the boots.

=JACK-POT= An instrument requiring a strong hand, and used for raising heavy bets, or for pulling off the stakes.

* * * * *

=JAG= From the Spanish word _zaga_, meaning a load packed on the outside of a van. In America the load is packed on the inside of a man.

* * * * *

=JAM=

A pantry composition in A minor.

* * * * *

=JANITOR= From _jangle_, to quarrel, and _torrid_, meaning hot. Hot and quarrelsome.

* * * * *

=JELLY-CAKE= Synonym for Belly-Ache.

* * * * *

=JERSEY= Well knit.

=NEW JERSEY= Well bit. (See Mosquito).

* * * * *

=JEW'S HARP=

From Jew, a Hebrew, and Harp, a musical instrument, the Jew's musical instrument being a "Sell low!" (Old spelling, Cello).

* * * * *

=JIMMY= An implement employed by men of acquisitive natures who cannot afford seats in the Stock Exchange.

* * * * *

=JOB= An uncertain commodity regulated by a Union Card.

* * * * *

=JOCKEY= From _jog_, to move slowly, and _key_, something that makes fast. Hence, one who makes the pace fast or slow, according to instructions.

* * * * *

=JOINT= Either a low limb from the butcher, or a low quarter in town; in either case the lower the tougher.

* * * * *

=JOKE= A form of humor enjoyed by some and misunderstood by most; in England, requiring a diagram, raised letters and a club.

* * * * *

=JOLLY= v. t., To "con" or "josh."

=JOLLY BOAT= The Ship of State.

* * * * *

=JUDGE= One who sits on a bench in a court, frames sentences and finishes crooks for a living, and swears continually.

* * * * *

=JULEP= An insidious friend from the South, who hands you a mint and gives you a sweet spirit, followed shortly by a Bun.

* * * * *

=JURY= Twelve men chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

* * * * *

=JUSTICE= Fair play; often sought, but seldom discovered, in company with Law.

A chip of the old block--A daughter of the Tenderloin.

K

One man's meat is another man's finish--Canned Beef in Cuba.

=KANGAROO= A hard drinker from Australia, especially fond of hops, and generally carrying a load.

* * * * *

=KATYDID= A gossiping grasshopper who is always meddling in Katy's affairs.

* * * * *

=KEEPSAKE= Something given us by someone we've forgotten.

* * * * *

=KERNELS= or =COLONELS= Articles often found in cores (or corps) and frequently surrounded by shells.

* * * * *

=KEROSENE=

An alleged provider of heat and light. From Lat. _carus_, meaning expensive and _seneo_, to be weak; expensive but weak. For further explanation, consult Standard Oil Company.

* * * * *

=KEYHOLE=

A frequent test for sobriety.

* * * * *

=KID= Either a boxing-glove or a first-born. In either case, hard to handle until well tanned.

* * * * *

=KILTS= A Scotchman's apology for indecent exposure.

* * * * *

=KINDRED= From Eng. _kin_, meaning relation, and _dread_, meaning fear; fearful relations.

* * * * *

=KINDERGARTEN= From Ger. _kinder_, children, and Lat. _garritus_, a babbling. A place for babbling children.

* * * * *

=KINDLING-WOOD= From Ger. _kind_, youth, and Eng. _linger_, to loaf. A place where youth generally loafs.

* * * * *

=KISS= Nothing divided by two; meaning persecution for the infant, ecstasy for the youth, fidelity for the middle-aged and homage for the old.

* * * * *

=KISS= An indescribable something that is of no value to any one, but is much prized by the right two.