Chapter 4

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=SANDWICH= An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat.

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=SAUSAGE= An aftermath of the dog-days.

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=SCAFFOLD= A work of art that rarely fails to get a hanging.

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=SCARECROW= An operator who repeatedly corners corn, without caws.

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=SCORCHER= A chauffeur in an all-fired hurry.

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=SCULPTOR= A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.

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=SELF-MADE= Complimentary term for a respectable crook.

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=SHAMROCK= A three-time loser as a racer at sea, but a four-time winner as an "ad." for tea--and Sir T.

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=SHEPHERD= One who depends on a crook for a living.

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=SHIRT= Every man's bosom friend.

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=SILVER= A metallic form of opium, smoked by Presidential impossibilities.

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=SINNER= A stupid person who gets found out.

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=SNAP= A brisk, energetic quality that enables a man with ginger to take the cake.

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=SNORE= An unfavorable report from headquarters.

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=SOROSIS= A female gas company that lays its pipes on cultivated grounds.

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=SPAGHETTI= A table-dish eaten only by Italians and jugglers. From Lat. _spadix_, branch, or fork, and _gestamen_, burden. A burden for the fork.

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=SPIDER= A busy weaver and a good correspondent, who drops a line by every post.

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=STARS= The greatest astronomers known, having studded the heavens for ages.

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=STAYS= A sort of straight-jacket employed in reforming women.

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=STOCKINGS= Woman's only savings for A Rainy Day.

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=STOCKS= An unreliable commodity bought and sold by gamblers. If you win, it's an investment; if you lose, a speculation.

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=STOVE-PIPE=

A movable cylinder used as a receptacle for smoke and profanity.

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=SPRING= Formerly a very delightful season but now obsolete except in poetry and the Old Farmer's Almanac.

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=SPINSTER= An ember from which the sparks have flown.

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=SUBWAY= In Boston, a place where one may enjoy continuous disturbance of the peace, disorderly conduct, assault and battery, riot and rebellion. These events are allowed by law, and the entry-fee is five cents.

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=SUCCESS= A goal usually reached by those who employ their time in cultivating a more definite aim in life rather than in searching for a larger target.

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=SUMMER= An oppressive and expensive season invented by rural cottage and hotel owners, railroad and steamboat companies and the Iceman.

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=SUN= A yellow arrival from Way Down East, who goes west daily, operates a heating and lighting trust, draws water, prints pictures, develops crops, liquidates the ice business and tans skins on the side. Profits by his daily rays and always has a shine.

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=SYMPATHY=

Feeling for others; very noticeable in Blind Man's Buff.

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=SYNDICATE= A conspiracy to extend the modest business established by Captain Kidd.

Fortune knocks only once at a man's door--And she's the worst Knocker in the world.

T

Brevity is the soul of wit--and the sole charm of of a bicycle skirt.

=TAILOR= One who takes your measure on first sight, gives you a fit, sews you up and follows suit until paid.

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=TALK= A continuous performance playing daily and nightly engagements, with Woman as the star and Man confined in the Family Circle.

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=TELEGRAM=

A form of correspondence sent by a man in a hurry and carried by a boy in sleep.

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=TELEPHONE= From Eng. _tell_, to talk, and Grk. _phonos_, murder. A machine in which talk is murdered.

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=TENNIS= A game in which the participants enjoy a racket on the side and raise the deuce over a net, while the volleys drive them from set to set and love scores as often as it's mentioned.

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=TEMPER= A quality, the loss of which is likely to make a knife blade dull and a woman's tongue sharp.

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=THERMOMETER=

A short, glass tube that regulates the weather--and usually does a poor job.

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=THIRST= A sensation immediately following a short session at the free lunch stand.

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=TIDE= An old friend who comes and goes daily but is all in whenever he gets over the bay.

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=TITIAN= The color a poor red-headed girl's hair becomes as soon as her father strikes oil.

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=TIPS= Wages we pay other people's hired help.

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=TOBACCO= A nauseating plant that is consumed by but two creatures; a large, green worm and--man. The worm doesn't know any better.

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=TONGUE= An unruly member that is frequently put out, yet an artist who's a hard worker at the palate and a great wag among women.

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=TOUCH= A habit common to the impecunious, causing in its victim a feeling of faintness, followed by a chill or a sense of loss.

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=TRANSFER= A small bit of paper of remarkable strength, being able to carry a heavy man several miles.

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=TROLLEY-CAR= A conveyance filled with advertisements, and occasionally passengers, and operated by Poles.

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=TROUBLE= Something that many are looking for but no one wants.

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=TRUST= A small body of capital entirely surrounded by water.

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=TWINS= Insult added to Injury.

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=TWISTERS=

An undesirable thing to have on hand.

It's a wise son who can get two birds with One Bone.

U V

There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to Fortune--But most of us catch our watered stock on the ebb.

=UMBRELLA= A good thing to put up in a shower--or pawn-shop; but, like skating, never seen after Lent.

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=UNBOSOMED=

A shirt just returned from a steam laundry.

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=UNION= An ailing individual frequently troubled by scabs and liable to strike without warning.

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=UMPIRE= No jeweler, but a high authority on diamonds.

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=USHER= One who takes a leading part in a theatre.

=VACCINATION= Where "jabbing the needle" is never a vice.

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=VAUDEVILLE= From Lat. _vaut_, good for, and _villageois_, countryman. Good for countrymen.

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=VERANDA=

An open-air enclosure often used as a spoon-holder.

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=VEST= A waistcoat sold at halfprice.

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=VIRTUE= A quality oftentimes associated with intelligence, but rarely with beauty.

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=VULGARITY= The conduct of others.

A rolling stone gathers no moss--except at roulette.

W

But a stony roll always gathers the stony stare.

=WAITER= An Inn-experienced servant.

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=WAR= A wholesale means of making heroes which, if planned in a small way, would produce only murderers.

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=WATER= A thin substance applied to stocks with which to soak buyers.

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=WEDDING= A trade in which the bride is generally given away, and the groom is often sold.

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=WEEDS= Found in gardens and widows. For removing easily, marry the widow.

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=WICKEDNESS= A myth invented by good people to account for the singular attractiveness of others.

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=WIDOW= The wife of a golfer during the open season, unless she golfs, too. In that event the children are golf orphans.

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=WHISKY= Trouble put up in liquid form.

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=WIND= An aerial phenomenon, superinduced by an ephemeral agitation of the nebular strata, whereby air, (hot or cold), impelled into transitory activity, generates a prolonged passage through space, owing to certain occult ethereal stimuli, and results in zephyrs, breezes, blows, blow-outs, blizzards, gales, simoons, hurricanes, tornadoes or typhoons. Barred from Kansas Cyclone-cellars but frequently blended with Chicago tongue--canned or conversational.

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=WOMAN= An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still slightly flattened at the polls.

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=WORD= Something you must keep after giving it to another.

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=WORRY= A state of mind that leads some persons to fear, every time the tide goes out, that it won't come in again.

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=WRINKLES= A merchant's trade-marks.

It's the first straw hat which shows how the wind blows.

X Y Z

A Ride goeth before a Fall.-- See Automobile, Bucking Broncho, Bicycle, Air-Ship, Patrol-Wagon, Rail, and Go-Cart.

=X RAYS=

Ten dollars from a friend.

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=YARN= An essential in fabrication--either woven or narrated. Mill yarns are highly colored; those spun at sea much more so.

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=YAWL= Either the shape of a boat or the sound of a cat, but never a cat-boat.

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=YAWNS= The air-breaks on a sleeper.

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=YEAR= A period originally including 365 days, now 325, since the other 40 are Lent.

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=YELLOW FEVER= A passion for reading the Hearst newspapers.

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=YOLK= The legacy of the hen and the burden of its lay.

=YOKE= The inheritance of the hen-pecked and the burden of the married.

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=YULE-LOG= A Christmas protege of the grate, too young to smoke, too tough to burn and too green to warm up to anybody.

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=YOUTH= The dynamo that makes the world go round; a product of its own generation, with its wires carrying Power into the high places of Earth and with its currents of Thought short-circuited only by bigoted Old Age.

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=ZEALOT= One who loves morality so well he will commit crime to maintain it.

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=ZEBRA= The crook among horses, condemned to wear stripes for life.

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=ZERO= Originally, nothing; but now meaning a good deal on a thermometer or bank-draft, and comprising two-thirds of the 400.

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=ZIGZAG= The popular route after a heavy dinner. Old adage, "The longest way round is the drunkard's way home!"

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=ZOUAVE=

The original Mrs. Bloomer.

_Postage and Postal Information_.

_How to Mail a Letter_.

After writing it, place it in a square or oblong envelope--round ones are no longer fashionable--seal it on the back and write a legible address on the front; then take a two-cent stamp, give it a good licking and retire it to the corner--the upper, right-hand corner, on the outside--never inside, as the postmaster is not a clairvoyant. Drop it in a letter-box and trust to luck. If it's a love letter, it will probably reach her all right, for Cupid is a faithful postman and carries a stout pair of wings. If it's a bill, by all means have it registered; otherwise, your debtor will swear he never got it. If it's cash for your tailor, heed the post-office warning, "Don't send money through the mails." Wait until you happen to meet him on the street. If he sees you first, you lose.

=First-class Matter.=

Anything you are ashamed to have the postmaster or postmistress read, and therefore seal up, is known as first-class matter. Also, postal cards, where you're only allowed to argue on one side. If you think your letter should travel slowly, invest ten cents in a Special Delivery Stamp. This will insure a nice, leisurely journey, lasting from one to two days longer than by the cheap two-cent route.

=Second-class Matter.=

This class was originated for the benefit of Patent Medicine Mixers, who print circulars on "What Ails You" four times a year, and pepper the land with "Before-and-after-taking" caricatures, at the rate of one cent a pound.

=Third-class Matter.=

While the quack nostrums travel second-class for one cent a pound, books, engravings, manuscript copy, and works of art have to go third-class and are taxed one cent for every two ounces. They must also be left open for inspection, thus affording the post-office employee a fleeting acquaintance with something really useful.

=Fourth-class Matter.=

Everything not included in the above, except poisons, explosives, live animals, insects, inflammable articles, and things giving off a bad odor. The last two do not include _The Police Gazette_ or _The Philistine_.

_A Few Mythological and Classical Names._

_Brought down to date in brief Notes by the Editor._

ACHILLES. A courageous Greek, who did a general slaughtering business in Troy in 1180 B.C., but was finally pinked in the heel--his only vulnerable spot--and died.

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=Long life often depends on being well heeled.=

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ADONIS. A beautiful youth, beloved by Venus and killed by a boar.

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=Bores have been the death of us ever since.=

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BACCHUS. A brewer, who supplied the Gods with nectar, the beer that made Olympus famous.

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=Those desiring a drink, please ask Dickens if "Bacchus is willin'."=

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CASTOR AND POLLUX. Two clever sports and twin brothers from Greece, Castor being a horse-trainer and Pollux a pugilist, whose sister, Helen, a respectable, married woman, disgraced the family by eloping with Paris.

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=Just because a man can break a broncho or win a prize fight, it's no sign he can manage a woman.=

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CERBERUS. A dog with three heads, a serpent's tail and several snakes around his neck, who guarded the main entrance to Hades.

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=When a man begins to see snakes and one head looks like three, it's a cinch he's not far from Hell.=

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CHARON. The gloomy gondolier of the Styx, who carried the dead to the Other World--if they paid him first.

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=And even to-day, he who patronizes Rapid Transit must pay his fare in advance.=

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CUPID. The son of Venus and the God of Love, who with bow and arrows punctured men's bosoms with the darts of admiration.

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=But now-a-days the arrow's not in it with a snug bathing suit or a decollette gown.=

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DAEDALUS. The original Santos Dumont, who invented and successfully operated a flying-machine that would fly. His son, Icarus, tried the trick, went too high and fell into the sea.

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=A flier frequently precedes a fall--especially in Wall Street.=

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DIANA. The goddess of the chase; unmarried.

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=And this is very fitting. May the chase always be for the unmarried only!=

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HERCULES. The Gritty Greek (no relation to the Terrible Turk), an independent laborer, who always had a good job awaiting him.

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=It is interesting to recall the days when non-union labor had all the work it wanted.=

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IXION. A king of Thessaly, who for his sins was broken on a wheel.

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=And men have been going broke on "the wheel" ever since.=

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LOTUS EATERS. A gang of ancient vegetarians, who chewed leaves and went to sleep.

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=Now succeeded by a club of New Yorkers, who chew the rag and keep awake.=

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MERCURY. A celestial messenger-boy, who wore wings on his shoes and knew how "to get there" in a hurry.

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=Now they all wear hobbles, and never exceed the speed limit in a public thoroughfare.=

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MIDAS. A Greek king, who had the power of turning into gold all that he touched.

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=That's nothing! There are plenty of men to-day who always get gold whoever they touch.=

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SAPPHO. A love-lorn poetess, who, failing to win the man she first loved, cured herself by jumping into the Mediterranean.

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=She probably acted on the old advice, "There's plenty more fish in the sea!"=

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TANTALUS. A proud king, who suffered in Hades the agonies of hunger and thirst, with food and drink always in sight, but always beyond reach.

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=Here on earth, the 50-cent table d'hote accomplishes the same result--besides costing you the fifty.=

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TROY. An ancient, oriental city, which took in a wooden horse and saw the domestic finish of Helen and Paris.

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=Do not confuse with Troy, N.Y., where they only take in washing and provide a domestic finish for collars and shirts.=

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VULCAN. The Olympian blacksmith, who always had his hammer with him.

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=But not all who carry hammers are blacksmiths.=

_Legal and Local Holidays in the United States._

=JANUARY 1, New Year's Day.= On this day the Flowing Bowl is filled--and emptied--and the Genial Palm circulated in forty-three States and Territories out of forty-nine. In Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Arkansas, Oklahoma and the Indian Territory there is no celebration. The natives are too busy collecting good resolutions and bad bills.

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=FEBRUARY 22, Washington's Birthday.= (George, not Booker), is remembered by thirty-eight of the States. On this day, in the public schools, are shown pictures of George Chopping the Cherry Tree and Breaking Up the Delaware Ice Trust, Valley Forge in Winter, and Mt. Vernon on a Busy Day. The Pride of the Class recites Washington's "Farewell to the Army," Minnie the Spieler belabors the piano with the "Washington Post March," and the scholars all eat Washington Pie, made of "Columbia, the Jam of the Ocean."

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=MARCH 17, St. Patrick's Day and Evacuation Day=, when the British redcoats got out of Boston and Patrick evicted the snakes from Ireland. For observing the day, wear a turkey-red coat, or vest, and put a bit of green ribbon, or a shamrock, in the buttonhole--the green above the red. On Easter day, wear a scrambled egg in the same place.

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=APRIL 19, Patriot's Day.= A New England successor to FAST DAY--the slowest day of the year. Originally invented for Fasting and Prayer. Now used exclusively for opening the Baseball Season, Locating a Seashore Home for the Summer, and watching Red-Shirted Diogenes at his Tub.

Little drops of water, Little lines of hose, Make the mighty Muster As ev'ry Laddie knows.

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=MAY 1, Moving Day.= Observed everywhere by The Restless Tenant.

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=APRIL 26= } { =In "Dixie"= =MAY 30= } =Memorial Days= { =In the North=

A Symphony in Blue and Gray.

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=JUNE 17, Bunker Hill Day.= Celebrated in Boston, Mass., by a procession of the Ancient and Horrible Distillery Company, a few of the City Fathers in hacks, a picked bunch of Navy Yard sailors and occasionally a few samples from a Wild West Show. For 24 hours, pistols and firecrackers are allowed to mutilate Young America _ad lib_.

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=JULY 4, Independence Day.= A national holiday, invented for the benefit of popcorn and peanut promoters; tin horn and toy-balloon vendors; lemonade chemists; dealers in explosives; physicians and surgeons. A grand chance for the citizen-soldier to hear the roar of battle, smell powder, shoot the neighbor's cat, and lose a night's rest--or a finger.

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=LABOR DAY, First Monday in September.= The only day when labor works overtime. An occasion when the workingman takes a cane in place of a dinner-pail and proudly tramps the streets behind a real silk banner and a Hod Carrier on a Cart Horse.

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=THANKSGIVING DAY (Last Thursday in November).= A day devoted to the annual division of Turkey--with Greece on the side--by the Hung'ry folks.

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=DECEMBER 25, Christmas Day.= Another national holiday, marked by the following observances: Filling the young and helpless with a lot of fiction about Santa Claus, the old chimney fakir, who went up the flue long ago; making a clothesline of the mantelpiece and robbing the forest of its young; swapping several things we'd like to keep for a lot of stuff we don't want; and, finally, putting on in church a Sunday night performance of light opera, known as "The Sabbath School Concert."

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