Part 4
THE WISE GRAY MATTER CO.
Boston, Mass.
[Sidenote: _Golf Rule_: If you strike your partner, while driving, the stroke counts against him.]
[Sidenote: _Health Note_: To cure palpitation of the heart, it is best to ask her at once and have it over with.]
SUNDAY GENEALOGICAL NOTE
Any low-browed, brindle rooster Can kerdoodle if he choose ter And strut about and cackle, "Tra la la!" But an incubator chicken Hatched by steam's a mighty slick un' If it's wise enough to recognize its ma.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1640) Torture abolished in England.
(1906) Corsets still worn.
FRIDAY Law now off on certain fish. Get the hook.
SATURDAY
NOVEMBER
Home is where you are not allowed to sit on the sofa pillows.
FORECAST FOR NOVEMBER
The period between the 1st and the 9th will be marked by cold in the head and feet. To relieve cold feet bathe them in hot water before retiring; if they're your wife's, do the same. Another way to relieve cold feet is to get out of the game. From the 9th to the 16th there will be hard sledding for the poor and automobiling for the rich. Along the latter part of the month there will be a wave of hot mince pie, turkey, cranberry sauce, and other good things, followed by headache in the northern portion and stomach-ache in the southern portion.
* * * * *
Sagittarius (the Archer) is the sign in the Zodiac for November. It is "Sag's" business to shoot any good weather that shows itself above the skyline. Sometimes when "Sag" is not looking the summer Indian sneaks through the picket line.
[Sidenote: _Poultry Hint_: Time spent in trying to reform a bad egg is time wasted.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons troubled with rheumatics should avoid attic rooms, but those who have the "shingles" can sleep on the roof.]
SUNDAY METEORO-LOGICAL
MONDAY "One swallow does not make a summer," Still, 'tis clear to all That swallows enough of the right sort of stuff Are certain to make a fall.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1775) Washington's army, barefooted in the snow at Valley Forge, swore that it would, later on, whip the British "out of their boots."
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (4004 B.C.) Popular songs invented by Adam, who introduced "There's only one girl in the world for me!"
SATURDAY
NOVEMBER
Circumstances open cases.
HOW TO VIEW AN ECLIPSE
To properly view an eclipse to its full, a party of several good spirits should get together. Whether an eclipse of the sun or the moon, each should take a glass and smoke it. A great deal depends on the quality and character of the glass. Some glasses are much more certain to reveal an eclipse than are others.
* * * * *
If the first glass when properly smoked does not show the eclipse, try another and a stronger one. It is very probable that this glass will show the sun or the moon in the throes of an eclipse. Still another glass will show two suns or two moons. The third glass is likely to show several moons and several suns, fixed stars and those that need fixing, comets and milky ways, sky-rockets and pin-wheels, all combining to eclipse the finest display of Fourth of July fireworks ever projected by the mind of man.
* * * * *
And when the beholder of this mighty spectacle wakes up during the afternoon of the following day and sees but one simple unadorned sun doing business in the whole expanse of the broad, blue heavens, he has a feeling of pity for all those who retired early the night before and missed the social, spiritual, and educative uplift that comes from viewing an eclipse under just the proper conditions.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Young ladies desiring more color in their cheeks should try brushing the same with a two days' growth of bristles on a masculine chin.]
SUNDAY WHO DARES?
MONDAY Some men are brave, no doubt, in war, But the iron-nerved rip-snorter Is the fellow who rides in the sleeping-car And refuses to tip the potter.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1890) Improved excelsior machines invented.
Same date--Breakfast food introduced.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1828) Daniel O'Connell, elected to parliament, refuses to take the oath.
Same date--First and only time on record a politician ever refused to take anything.
SATURDAY
NOVEMBER
The man behind the man in front constitutes a pull, not a push.
HELPFUL HINT FOR DECEMBER
Now, do not show your resentment toward those who forgot to send you presents last Christmas. Send each of them a little remembrance--but be sure to select something that will force them to spend forty or fifty dollars to take care of it or to surround it with the proper atmosphere. This is much better than mailing a post card and letting it go at that.
NEAR EYES ADVERTISEMENTS SPECTACLES FAR EYES EXTRAVAGANZAS
_EYES TESTED AT HOME_
It is a deplorable fact that human vision is falling below the normal standard day by day. A great many people weaken their eyes by looking for work, others in trying to see a joke where there is no joke.
Our patent home eye tester is presented herewith. Why pay good money to an oculist when you can test your eyes yourself?
DIRECTIONS FOR USING EYE-TESTER
Hold black disc and parallel lines 18 inches in front of your eyes. Close your eyes and look at diagram intently. If, then, any one line in the diagram seems to you to be more alike than any other line, or if any one line looks to be more parallel than two lines, you ought to wear spectacles.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Fatigued brain-workers desiring to engage in some restful employment should try hair-dressing. The barber does most of his head-work with his hands.]
[Sidenote: _Household Hint_: Do not mistake the cat for a sofa pillow; those who sit on the cat, thinking she is a cushion, will rise again.]
SUNDAY A SACRED THOUGHT
"Oh, had I the wings of a dove!" sang she And I thought (and I guess it was pat) If she gets them, on next Sunday morning we'll see The two of them pinned on her hat.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1906) Terrible disaster throughout United States--many magazines have hot-air explosions, shattering scores of reputations.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1897) Thousands invest in Keeley motor stock.
(1898) Keeley motor discovered to be a fraud-- first Keeley cure on record.
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
All things come to him who goes after them.
FARMING IN ALASKA
It is encouraging to note that farming in our far Northwest possessions is on the boom. [Note to printer--be careful not to make "bum" out of "boom."] A bulletin issued by the Agricultural Department of our government, just as we go to press, shows that there are at present in Alaska 12 farms, four oxen, 13 cows, 176 chickens, 10 pigs, several cases of pneumonia and numerous games of "freeze-out." During the fiscal year there was harvested in Alaska $165 worth of hay, $95 worth of eggs and poultry, and a big crop of ice. There are certain advantages of farming in Alaska. In harvest time, for instance, a man never sweats at work. He markets his milk frozen and sells it by the hunk. You never hear of anybody crying over spilt milk in Alaska. It's the same way with eggs--no cold storage needed; the eggs are frozen before they are layed, thus retaining their fine, fresh flavor until used. You never hear of an egg passing from the sublime to the ridiculous stage in Alaska.
* * * * *
Farmers in Alaska plow with ice-picks and shoot the seed into the soil with a double-barreled shotgun. The 12 farmers in Alaska held a farmers' institute recently to talk over prospects for the current year. Basing prospects on $165 worth of hay raised last year, they figure that if conditions are favorable they will raise $175 worth this year.
[Sidenote: _Culinary Note_: To pair potatoes, place them two by two.]
[Sidenote: _Health Note_: For water on the brain try an umbrella.]
SUNDAY EVE BEGAN IT
The eternal feminine has not changed much since the days of Eve, who was the first of her sex to complain that she hadn't a thing to wear.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1798) George Washington invents the cocktail.
(1906) George Washington acknowledged to be most popular man in history of the country.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1905) Beef Trust declared illegal--whatever that is.
(1906) Beef Trust demonstrates that there is no use "beefing about it."
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
Most popular book in the world--the pocketbook.
THE PUBLISHER'S COZY CORNER CHAT
ONE OF OUR AWFUL SMART BOYS
Little George Hathadash lives in Megawolloppey, Maine, and is now three years old.
This brave ruddy-cheeked boy immediately took the Megawolloppey agency for the "Saturday Evening Roast," feeling sure that his ruddy cheek would carry him through successfully. Next Sunday, when everybody was gathered in church, who should come toddling down the aisle but George Hathadash distributing his first bundle of "Roasts," just as he had seen the train boy sell candy on a train of cars. "Better and brighter than any thermon," cried George Hathadash in his childish treble. "Here's your 'Thaturday Evening Roast,' the brother-in-law of the 'Ladies' Wall Paper.' Better and brighter than any thermon."
Of course that attracted attention, and almost before he knew it George had disposed of his whole bundle and established himself in business. He is now well on his way to win the beautiful prize of a silver carving knife that the "Roast" offers as an extra inducement to its hustling young salesmen.
There are other prizes and any boy with a good ruddy cheek is likely to get one of them.
But all boys are not like George Hathadash. We think _he_ is going to be a President of the Common Council.
[Sidenote: _Health Note_: A hot brick is a good thing for the feet; a cold brick is a bad thing for the head.
SUNDAY (44 B.C.) "Twenty-three for you," shouted Brutus to Cæsar, and when they counted the stab wounds they found Brutus had enumerated correctly.
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1776) Washington arrives at Dorchester Heights and finds 25,000 bushels of wheat. "I am glad it isn't breakfast food," said George.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (192 B.C.) First mention of Baseball. Sparta joins the Achean league--it was easy to slide in Greece.
FRIDAY LONGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR
The colicky baby's father, As he croons his soothing song, His thanks should give that he doesn't live Where the nights are six months long.
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
"Even those who can't read like to look at the pictures."--Willie B. Hearsed
(Politically)?
ADVICE TO PARENTS
It is now pretty generally believed that the name given to one to bear with him night and day, during all his years, has a most important influence in the work of shaping his life and fortune.
* * * * *
No doubt a careful investigation of the subject would show that most of the bare-pated men of the nation are so because while they were still helpless little children they were named Archibald, Theobald, Baldwin, and the like, whereas, had they been named Harry, or Harold, or Aaron, they would still be blest with well-thatched polls.
* * * * *
It is the bounden duty of parents to determine the business or profession in which they intend their children shall engage. If they wish their son to become a fancy poultry-breeder they should name him Egbert or Henry; if they wish him to become a surgeon they should call him Lancelot; if an arithmetician, Adam; if a clown, Guy or Joshua; if a street car driver, Oscar; if a real estate dealer, Lot or Orlando; if a man of wealth, Richard; if a debtor, Owen; and if they wish him to "go to grass," Timothy.
* * * * *
The same degree of thoughtful care should be exercised in naming girls, as well. If a girl is to become a musician she should be called Octavia or Dora; if a milliner, Hattie; if a writer, Adaline; if a cook, Dinah or Amelia; and so on to the end of the chapter.
[Sidenote: ? Why is the standard octopus like a water-lily? Oh, fudge! It isn't like a water-lily at all. It is more like the skunk cabbage which gets a head in the world, but is always in bad odor.]
SUNDAY (1660) Charles II, chased by subpoena from Cromwell, wins record of being most difficult man in the world to subpoena.
(1906) Rockefeller smashes record of Charles II.
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1620) Pilgrims land at Plymouth in little Mayflower.
(1906) Records show that little Mayflower brought over 38,000,000 carloads of ancestors, candlesticks, furniture, etc.
WEDNESDAY (1906) Chinese missionaries threatened.
(Next day) Missionaries leave tracts and make new ones for home.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY The day before Christmas will seem the longest day in the year if you are expecting any presents.
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
Wit is something bright, thought of after the guests have departed.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS
DIFFIDENT--The proper way to handle a lobster is to have him arrested.
ECONOMY--We know of no place where toothbrushes are laundered.
HISTORIAN--You are right. Noah was the largest individual holder of watered stock during his age.
SCIENCE--Yes, ice is slippery on both sides.
WELL WISHER--We return the $5 note. We cannot accept counterfeit money from admirers.
SPORT--You lose. Adam was born an orphan.
* * * * *
RECENT INVENTIONS
A charming addition to the safety razor is a little fountain attachment that sprinkles the user with Bay Rum.
* * * * *
Up-to-date bachelors are rapidly adopting the new unlosable collar button. This collar button is made of rubber with a little electric light attachment and is guaranteed to bounce for five minutes. Every time it strikes the floor, the impact causes the light to shine brilliantly, thus making it impossible to lose sight of even in the darkest corner.
[Sidenote: _A New Year Thought_: Now is the time to take your pen in hand--to meditate, to practise faithfully until you write with ease, one--nine--naught--EIGHT.]
[Sidenote: _To Develop the Calf_: Permit it to remain with its mother for two or three weeks. Then teach it to drink milk out of pail.]
SUNDAY (1278) Ottocar died in Vienna.
(1895) Automobile born in France.
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1373) Leopold, archduke of Austria, named his son Rupert for the benefit of modern novelists.
WEDNESDAY (1340) Cannon first used in England.
(1906) Roosevelt uses Cannon in the House of Representatives.
THURSDAY CORRESPONDENT ANSWERED
Editor Foolish Almanack:-- What ails my hens? Every morning I find two or three lying on their backs, toes curled up, never to rise again.
CONSTANT READER. Skowhegan, Me.
Answer:--Your hens are dead.--Ed.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
Health Hint:--If you have a "broken bone" try to save the change.
_Number 1 in the "Foolish Series"_
_The_ Foolish Dictionary
_by_ GIDEON WURDZ
_Author of "Foolish Finance"_
Over fifty illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith.
More than one hundred thousand copies of "_The Foolish Dictionary_" have been sold, and throughout the country its seven hundred witty definitions are quoted in every walk of life.
It is a book for everybody who loves fun in words--in fact it's
A DICTIONARY _of_ HUMOR
_Uniform with "Foolish Finance." Cloth Price 75c_
JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY BOSTON _and_ LONDON
_Number 3 in the "Foolish Series"_
_Foolish Finance_
_by_ GIDEON WURDZ
_Author of "The Foolish Dictionary"_
A mirthful book on all branches of finance, familiarizing the uninitiated with the funny side of losing money, while making Wall Street see the joke on themselves.
"The Author aims his witty shafts at the monopolists, railroads, banks, mines, insurance companies, and on every page there is something to provoke a smile."--_Boston Herald_
Over fifty characteristically funny illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith.
_Uniform with "Foolish Dictionary". Cloth Price 75c_
JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY BOSTON _and_ LONDON
_Containing a Wealth of Nimble Jest_
_Foolish Etiquette_
written by that Brilliant Coterie so Giddy-on-Words, whose contributions to "The Foolish Dictionary," "Foolish Finance" and "The Foolish Almanac" have made those books nationally notable, here appearing under the pseudonym of
_O. B. HAYVE_
Over 100 Characteristic Illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith whose humorous sketches are such an important feature of _The Foolish Series_.
"Even more entertaining, we think, than either of its predecessors."--_Boston Advertiser_, June 25, 1906.
"Wit and cleverness."--_N.Y. Tribune_, June 30, 1906.
_Cloth, uniform with other books in this series, 7-3/8 x 4-1/2. 160 Pages. Price 75c_
JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY BOSTON _and_ LONDON
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A BACHELOR'S CUPBOARD, by A. Lyman Phillips. Everything a bachelor should know. [$1.00
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GEORGE BERNARD SHAW; HIS PLAYS. A critical analysis by Henry L. Mencken. [$1.00
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