Part 3
VIRGO, the Virgin, indicating that in August he usually hears of his daughter's engagement.
* * * * *
LIBRA, the scales, indicating that in September various interested persons weight his family's summer enjoyments and send him the bills.
* * * * *
SCORPIO, the scorpion, indicating the state of mind with which he pays them in October.
* * * * *
SAGITTARIUS, the archer, indicating some fine shooting on the part of his conscience toward the end of November.
* * * * *
CAPRICORNUS, the goat, indicating what he feels like as he decides that next year shall be different.
[Sidenote: _A Milk Pointer_: Milkmen, too, have their troubles. If they do not water their cows, or if they do water their milk, somebody has the law on them.
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1852) Crystal palace opened at New York.
Next week--New York people discover they cannot live in glass houses.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1841) London Punch first issued.
Same week--Great Gloom settles over London.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1906) Secretary Taft visits Greenville, S. C., and opens campaign.
Same date--Democrats of "Solid South" gaze at Taft in dismay and exclaim, "We are lost, we had no idea the Republican party was so large!"
SATURDAY
JULY
Matches are made in heaven--they don't need 'em in the other place.
REPORT TO THE SECRETARY OF WAR _on the Russo-Japanese War by Gen. Buzfuz, U. S. A._
The war was contrary to all rules of warfare adopted by civilized nations because:
1. It was not started by a newspaper.
2. The scene of operations was not laid near a fashionable resort.
3. Photographers and correspondents were not allowed to inspect the officers' wardrobes.
4. There was no San Juan Hill.
5. The officers gave no afternoon teas, dinners, or balls.
6. The officers looked after their commands instead of writing magazine articles.
7. The soldiers were fed real food.
8. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers were killed.
9. The ships sunk in the naval battle were sunk in deep water.
10. No great scandal arose from the purchase of food, clothing, or ammunition.
11. No newspaper or magazine controversy has been started over who won the battles.
[Sidenote: _Political Note_: Politicians are bought, not made.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons too serious to take a joke should take a vacation.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1886) Dumb piano invented by Virgil. Rejoicing in Harlem.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1547) Silk stockings first worn by Henry II of France. Rainy days become popular.
FRIDAY The woman who wears a short bathing skirt is not necessarily immodest. She may be the wife of a popular magazine editor and cultivate exposure because she has caught the habit. --Supton Eclair.
AUGUST
No successful business man ever spends his own money.
USEFUL FARM HINTS
Take good care of the farm tools. A crow-bar, if carefully housed when not in use, may, at a hundred years of age be just as pry as ever.
* * * * *
The man who sells six onions for a nickel cannot thrive, For all can see that no one ought to give six scents for five.
* * * * *
In delivering a chair to the repairman to bottom he should be made to give a re-seat for it.
* * * * *
Feed the pigs well. A pig resembles a tree in one respect. It is by his root that he survives.
* * * * *
Farmers should encourage song birds to nest about the premises, but the lay of the hen must still bring them the most substantial delight.
* * * * *
It is when the farmer sees his fine crop maturing that he feels like singing, "In this wheat by and by."
* * * * *
In working about a mule that kicks, it should be remembered that his head-quarters are not his real business end.
[Sidenote: _Advice on Care of Your Rubber Plant_: A Turkish Bath Factory needs constant attention to make it pay.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1906) Boston Convention of Flies pass vote of thanks to John B. Moran for removing screens from hotel windows.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY "The greatest blessing of all is that I am no longer kept awake nights by persons who are making modern improvements." --Robinson Crusoe.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1066) William prepares to invade England with 696 ships and 60,000 men.
(1906) Alice prepares to invade England with 696 trunks and 1 man.
SATURDAY
AUGUST
A woman wears a veil for the same reason that distance lends enchantment.
HELPFUL HINTS FOR AUGUST
A cabbage leaf in the hat is an excellent means of keeping the head cool. The experiment is more successful if on top of the cabbage leaf you will place about two handfuls of chipped ice, renewing it as fast as it melts, and you might try sipping something from a high glass decorated with mint leaves--sipping it through a straw is favored by many eminent practitioners at the bar.
* * * * *
A BREAD AND MILK COW
The farmer with a Jersey cow Can live as fine as silk For he has got, you must allow, His thorough-bred and milk.
[Sidenote: _A Hint on Luck_: A Lucky-piece is a good mascot; a piece of luck is the real thing.]
[Sidenote: _Fashion Hint_: With peek-a-boo waist and short sleeves, a woman must wear her heart in her hand-bag.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (449) "Robbers' Synod" held at Ephesus.
(1908) Extra session of Congress held at Washington.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY Do not take this day off. It is a "dog day" and he may want it.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (697) The Venetians elect their first doge.
(1906) The beef packers try their last dodge.
SATURDAY
AUGUST
A girl in a hammock is worth two in a corps de ballet.
APPROPRIATE SALUTATIONS
_To the fireman_: Go to blazes!
* * * * *
_To the butcher_: May you never make a miss-steak in your endeavor to make both ends meat!
* * * * *
_To the baker_: May you always have the dough, not too much crust, and the means to loaf whenever you wish to!
* * * * *
_To the spinster_: May you ever be the matchless but not the mateless woman you are now!
* * * * *
_To the young physician_: May you wait, like Patience on a monument, till finally you shall have lots of monuments on your patients!
* * * * *
_To the seamstress_: May life always seam sew-sew in your hemmysphere!
* * * * *
_To the dentist_: May you always enjoy a pull and be able to fill many an aching void and long-felt want!
* * * * *
_To the poet_: May you have many more verses than reverses.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Many are cold, but few are frozen.
SUNDAY A GREAT JAG
A man may think he's a terror to drink When he really is nothing to brag on, For it's true, we infer, that a big chestnut burr Gets the awfullest, all-around jag on.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (6,99,950 B.C.) Eve appears in a peek-a-boo waist.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1509) Henry VIII began to get married.
SATURDAY
AUGUST
A man admires a woman for what he thinks she is; a woman admires a man for what she thinks he has.
HELPFUL HINT FOR SEPTEMBER
Excuse us, but we will not suggest any method for removing a coat of tan. We are assured on the best authority that Alice blue, radium gray, and fluorescent green will be the popular shades this summer. However, if yours is a tan coat, unbutton it and pull your arms out first; it will then come off easily enough.
* * * * *
IS THE SUN INHABITED?
An astronomer from Indiana claims to have discovered that the Sun is inhabited.
* * * * *
The Public will probably hoot at this just as it hooted at Columbus when he said the Earth was round.
* * * * *
The Public also hooted at wireless telegraphy in its early stages.
* * * * *
The Public is now hooting at the idea of airships ever becoming common carriers.
* * * * *
The Sun may be inhabited, who knows?
* * * * *
This astronomer from Indiana may not be as buggy as he really appears at first blush.
* * * * *
The Sun is hot, 'tis true, but Hell is also hot.
* * * * *
And Hell is inhabited.
[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: When in doubt, do the first one you come across.]
[Sidenote: _Marine Note_: High rollers don't always come in from the sea.]
SUNDAY IT HEADS THE LIST
In a book showing all Of the gowns great and small Wives have worn since this old world begun, That first dress of Eve's, Which she fashioned of leaves, Should be, properly, labeled "Fig. 1."
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1848) Patent issued for converting fine coal into solid lumps.
(1906) Patent sought for converting fine poetry into filthy lucre.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
SEPTEMBER
It's a long lane that hides no lovers.
SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD RECIPES FOR VEGETARIANS
HAY A-LA-MODE
Take a pound of best timothy and soak it over night in fresh brine. Peel carefully and place it in a vegetable ivory saucepan. Add the yolk of an egg-plant and stir dreamily over an electric-fan till it disappears. Serve it right.
* * * * *
NUT CUTLET
Procure two dozen new nuts from any hardware shop. Grind them into a paste of about the consistency of the average politician. Over this pour a little Standard Oil from which the dividends have been removed, and stir briskly with a subpoena till the oil begins to run; pour off, strain, and beat the paste with an axe until it looks and tastes like a veal cutlet.
* * * * *
IMITATION POTTED HARE
Take a false hare and pot it. This will be potted imitation hare, to be used for decorative purposes only.
* * * * *
STEWED RUBBER PLANT
Cut the plant into rubber bands, add a pinch of rubber cement and beat the whole mixture to beat the band until it will stretch without breaking. This rule is elastic.
[Sidenote: _Ticker Note_: Bull movements are carefully watched in Mexico and Spain.]
[Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: Many a hose is worn to be seen.]
SUNDAY (1,10,000 B.C.) Aphrodite born from the "foam of the sea."
(1 A.D.) "Katzenjammer" born from the foam of too many "schooners." MONDAY
TUESDAY General opening of Public Schools. General opening of Oysters.
WEDNESDAY (1777) Brandywine proves a bad mixture for the colonial troops.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (Sept. 15, 1693) Public lotteries established in England. Marriage encouraged.
SATURDAY
SEPTEMBER
That love is blind accounts for so many miscues.
HEALTH HINTS
To cure seasickness: Turn the entire system inside out and hang it over the rail of the ship where the salt spray can drench it. Under this treatment the patient is pretty sure to feel somewhat relieved within a few days after the time of going ashore.
* * * * *
Persons troubled with poor circulation should ascertain how to increase the same by consulting the editor of their favorite Sunday newspaper.
* * * * *
Weak respiration may be improved by a diet of onions. They are highly recommended for strengthening the breath.
* * * * *
For insomnia try snoring, which is always a symptom of SOUND sleep.
* * * * *
To prevent hay fever: Go not in the way of the kittenish grass widow.
* * * * *
Care should be taken to prevent the occupants of the penitentiary from getting the measles. It would make trouble should they all break out at once.
[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: For "dust" in the house, ask hubby.]
[Sidenote: _Art Note_: An artists' model is not necessarily a model of good behavior.
SUNDAY
MONDAY (862 B.C.) Jonah took the first trip in a submarine.
TUESDAY (753 B.C.) Romulus and Remus open a milk route.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1709) Pianoforte invented by Bartolommeo Cristofori. His assassination soon follows.
SATURDAY
SEPTEMBER
It is better to laugh at a joke you don't understand than to weep over the efforts of your friend to explain it.
LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY
_How to Trim Rich Relations._
This is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the subjects can only be approached when they are asleep.
Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chloroform above the Richest Relation's nose. As his sleep becomes more profound, lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack, using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and you cannot be too careful in business matters. This done, cut out the gold, silver, or bills, from his pockets, and any jewels or trinkets that you may find.
Note: In most cases it will not be necessary to kill the subject before you can do the trimming.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: While sleeping it is best to lie on the right side; also while awake.]
SUNDAY (1629) First theater in America established in Boston. Patti opened theater with first farewell performance.
MONDAY
TUESDAY "The bathing dresses are very pretty, but I'm sure I can't imagine where they buy such long stockings." --Aunt Mary's letter from the seashore.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1593) Anthony Comstock would have indicted Shakespeare for writing Venus and Adonis.
SATURDAY
SEPTEMBER
Those who live in glass houses should conduct themselves accordingly.
RARE RECIPES
_TO MAKE A LIVING_: To one old woman with money add "soft-soap" to her taste. Sweeten with gush. Mix with a wedding ceremony and shake quickly when you have her money.
_TO MAKE ANGEL-FOOD_: Take a "peach" with red lips. Add a shadynook. Sweeten with kisses. Serve in the moonlight.
* * * * *
_TO PRESERVE MONEY_: Take a roll of "yellow-backs" from whoever has one. Mix with all the money you can borrow. Put in a strong-box and let it stand till the police have forgotten you. Repeat the process and cover with a prominent part in church affairs.
[Sidenote: _Entomological Note_: In Washington the Katy-dids now say Teddy did, Teddy didn't.]
[Sidenote: _Home Hint_: Servant girls should be picked early this month. If picked green they often last the whole winter. It is inadvisable to pick them too fresh.]
SUNDAY (1296) Society of "Merchant Adventurers" established by John, of Biabaut.
(1901) Steal Trust organized by Morgan, of New York.
MONDAY
TUESDAY "One may write for the Ladies' Home Journal without having to read it." --Kudyard Ripling.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (15,001 B.C.) Venus explains platonic friendship to Adonis.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY (575 B.C.) Horatius beat Lars Porsena at a game of bridge.
OCTOBER
There's many a cup 'twixt the office and the ferry slip.
YOU NEVER CAN TELL
Sons of great men oft remind us That no matter what our fame, Offspring that we leave behind us May be lobsters, just the same.
[Sidenote: _Economical Hint_: A good imitation of soapsuds may be made by shaking a bottle of champagne and then opening the bottle.]
SUNDAY (1781) Battle of Eutaw.
(1906) W. C. T. U. tries to throw Smoot out of the Senate.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (673) Theodre, of England, calls first Council of Bishops.
(1906) Theodore, of Washington, calls Council of Muck-rakers.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY FIRST CANOE--Doesn't it make you tired to be taken out by one of those fresh young men who doesn't know how to paddle?
SECOND CANOE--Yes, it often quite upsets me.
SATURDAY
OCTOBER
There is some good in every heart, some rubber in every neck.
HELPFUL HINT FOR OCTOBER
If you have carelessly left your ermine muff and neck-piece where the moths have attacked it during the summer, an easy and simple way to remedy the damage will be--but wait! Maybe you haven't any ermine muff and neck-piece. Far be it from us to touch a tender spot.
* * * * *
She--(very décolleté). How far do you think a girl ought to go toward revealing the secrets of her heart?
He--(sizing her up). Well, I should say you'd gone about the limit.
[Sidenote: _Footwear Advice_: Two empty bananas make a very good pair of slippers.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: There is no sure cure for laziness, but a second wife may relieve it.]
SUNDAY There was a young man from St. Louis Who'd eat nothing else but chop souis, A habit he learned When his medals he earned In the fight at Manila with Douis!
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1196) Diet at Wurzburg--beer and pretzels.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY "Half a suit of pajamas is better than no nightie." --Hindoo Proverb.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
OCTOBER
The easiest way to put a baby to sleep is the rockiest way.
TO THE GODDESS ON THE DOLLAR
Fair maid, how I have longed for thee, That classic face of thine I feared would never look on me, Much less be wholly mine! And now that thou art mine indeed-- In fact my last resource-- There comes, alas, through direful need, The time for our divorce!
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: A good way to air your room is to turn it wrong side out and hang it out the window.]
SUNDAY A BUSINESS POINTER
"When I can read my title clear To mansions in the skies," I will not care for riches here, And cease to advertise.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1753) Popularity of "the" Pompadour at height.
(1906) Marcel wave in the ascendant.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1558) Salters' company founded in London.
(1875) Hetty Green elected a 33d degree member.
SATURDAY
OCTOBER
The eye is the window of the soul.
The mouth is the subway of the face.
RECIPE FOR MAKING PUMPKIN PIE
THE KIND THAT MOTHER DIDN'T USED TO MAKE
(Copyrighted)
First get your pumpkin. Then kill it and skin it. Cut pumpkin into small hunks with an axe. Boil the hunks. Boil them some more. Continue to boil hunks until they become a mucky gob. Unless you produce a mucky gob, the pie will be lumpy. Add fresh picked eggs to common cow's milk. Beat the eggs. They may be hard to beat, but beat them. Use a carpet beater if necessary. Now pinch the salt and add the pinch. Add a dash of cinnamon, add a few nutmegs (whole); these will give the pie that rich, nutty flavor so much desired. Add three-fourths cup of molasses. Do not add mustard--this is not a mustard plaster, it is a pie. Now add this mixture to the mucky gob. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Let stand while you give your pie-pans a coat of crust. Then pour mixture into pie-pans until they slop over. Place in a hot oven. When you can't stick a fork into the pies, they are done. Remove pies from oven and place on the back piazza to cool. If the dog likes them, they're all right.
[Sidenote: _Etiquette Hint_: To remove a "sticking plaster," try yawning.
SUNDAY SUCH A JAIS!
There was a young man from Calais Who saw a soubrette at a plais. Her beauty all fled When her make-up was shed, And his idol proved nothing but clais!
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (60 B.C.) Cleopatra invents peek-a-boo waists.
(60 B.C.) Antony becomes first easy Marc.
(1906) Peek-a-boo waist is the pneumonia waist in September.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
OCTOBER
The baby's favorite, often heard at night--a high-bawl in A flat.
HELPFUL HINT FOR NOVEMBER
Do not put brandy in your mince pies. It spoils it--the brandy, we mean.
We cannot speak too strongly against the pernicious habit of doctoring mince meat with brandy. It lures men on. The first baleful bite rouses the appetite, and soon they will be eating mince pie after mince pie all day, and eventually be laid up with indigestion. And even the aggressive clove curls up and faints when ordered to disguise a mince pie breath.
* * * * *
HOW TO GET RID OF THE GYPSY MOTH
First, climb the tree where he resides and carefully put him in your hip pocket; then fall heavily to the ground, landing on your back in such a manner as to disfigure the moth permanently.
If he survives, circulate stories derogatory to gypsies generally and he will leave of his own accord.
[Sidenote: _Horticultural Note_: This is a good month to get a slip from an ice plant. Walk through it without rubbers.
SUNDAY EVOLUTION
"I'm not a beauty, I'll allow," Said the poor mule, lank and old, "But I'm less of a jackass, anyhow, Than my father was, I'm told."
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1904) Prohibitionists nominated Swallow for President. He went down easily.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1905) Roosevelt discovered that he was nominated June "23."
(1906) Roosevelt decides not to run for third term.
SATURDAY
NOVEMBER
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and, according to all accounts, it also has many other discomforts of home.
FAMILY TREES
Men are luckless farmers, Their Family Trees will show, For many who grafted Peaches Are ruined by their Blow.
CANNED ADVERTISEMENTS HEAD GOODS WEAR
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