Part 2
FRIDAY (1659) Cromwell resigned his protectorate.
(1905) Taft got off the "lid."
SATURDAY
APRIL
Most things are good when they're new. Men and violins don't get good till they're old.
GARDEN AND FARMING HINTS:
Black-eyed Susan, Sweet William, and Johnny-Jump-Up will not grow in a garden built for two. Either William or John must be weeded out.
* * * * *
Silk hose are preferable to rubber when raising Ladies' Slippers.
* * * * *
Trumpet vines grow fast on automobiles.
* * * * *
Young ladies at summer resorts should cultivate Bachelor's Buttons; with care they may be grafted into Bridal Roses.
* * * * *
Many an Ox-eyed Daisy proves a Snapdragon after picking.
* * * * *
Wild Oats sown in second childhood are reaped by the next generation.
* * * * *
Snowballs and highballs both fade away in hot weather.
* * * * *
It's a deep-rooted crop of weeds that the muck rake won't loosen.
* * * * *
Very young men give their attention to the cultivation of Widow's Weeds; men of an older growth prefer to watch the Tender Buds bloom.
[Sidenote: _Rainy Day Advice_: To pick out your umbrella from among a number of better ones: take the best one--it's yours.
SUNDAY
MONDAY Harvard University founded--the oldest institution of foot-ball and accidental learning in America.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1895) Elbert Hubbard had his hair cut. Wise Elbert Hubbard Went to his cupboard To get the poor world a thought, But when he got there The cupboard was bare And so the poor world got naught.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
APRIL
If you can fool half the people all the time, that's good enough; don't be a hog.
HELPFUL HINT FOR APRIL
Have you ever thought how much money you waste in paying rent? Now that you are about to sign a new lease, it is time to ponder this subject. Say you pay $50 a month rent. That is $600 a year. Think! If you should pay rent for two thousand years you would waste as much money as Pierpont Muchgain makes on a little deal in railroads of a dull afternoon.
* * * * *
KEEPING LENT
Jones borrowed my umbrella. I now know what he meant When he said it was his custom To religiously keep lent.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For that tired feeling take a good doze of sleep.]
[Sidenote: _To Make the World Brighter_: Use hope and soap.]
SUNDAY It's not the loss of life makes death bitter, it's the obituaries. --D. Ceest.
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1901-'02-'03-'04-'05-'06, etc.) A large large section of the coal miners of Pennsylvania struck because the operators used non-union-made tooth powder.
(1906) Kentucky went prohibition by a tremendous minority.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
APRIL
The wind may be tempered to the shorn lamb, but the wolf gets equal benefit, just the same.
FORECAST FOR MAY
From the 1st to the 10th spring house-cleaning will take place. Look out for soft soap on the stairs. Meals will be served to gentlemen down town. There is no place like home during spring house-cleaning--this is why home is so generally avoided during that period.
* * * * *
From the 10th to the 20th buds will burst with deafening reports and the grass will do some fancy shooting.
* * * * *
From the latter date to the end of the month people will discard their woolens for pneumonia.
* * * * *
The zodiacal sign for May is Gemini, or twins. If you see a stork skulking about your residence, shoot it. May is an open month on storks.
[Sidenote: _Gardening Note_: If you sow wild oats you are likely to reap a crop of "tares."]
[Sidenote: _To Break a Will_--See a lawyer.]
[Sidenote: _To Break a Bill_--See a doctor.]
[Sidenote: _To Break a Till_--See a burglar.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1906) Congress decided, after a long and heated discussion, that only filtered water should be used in the Panama Canal.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1906) Ruth St. Denis, bare of waist and limbs, wins approval of Boston society by outdoing Little Egypt.
THURSDAY (1906, next day) Pure-minded society people of Boston refuse to admit Maxim Gorky and his near-wife.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY "You can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time." --From the Diary of &ru Carnage.
MAY
Many of Cupid's matches are scratched in the divorce court.
HELPFUL HINT FOR MAY
The careful wife and mother will find a most excellent plan for utilizing a spring bonnet of the vintage of 1906 will be to tell her husband that she will make it do another season. Then manage to be out in the rain with it on, and with no umbrella. Further instruction is unnecessary.
* * * * *
TIMELY HINTS
A great many cows come in fresh in May. If you have a good calf, wear open-work hose and don't be ashamed to show it on a rainy day. Plant beans, pumpkins, and squashes about May 20th, but don't mix the seed. This is also a good month to set hens on door-knobs, and old ink-bottles, thus playing a great joke on the hens.
[Sidenote: _Street Car Hint_: If a person walks on your right foot kick a person with your left.]
[Sidenote: LEGERDEMAIN _Note_: To make a five-dollar note look like 30 cents, blow it.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (33 B.C.) Antony establishes a divorce colony in Egypt.
TUESDAY (1906) U.S. Senators played a farce entitled "Who's a Liar," by Pitchrake Tillman, to crowded houses.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (996) Clocks, giving good time, invented by Gebert, Benedictine monk.
(Same year) Benedictine, giving good time, invented by same monks.
SATURDAY
MAY
Where ignorance is bliss it is blister to be wise.
HOW TO GET RICH
Getting rich is a simple matter if one goes about it right. If you will deposit one penny in the bank on the first day of the month and double each deposit each day thereafter, until the end of the month (30 days), you will find yourself rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Thus:--
+--------- DEPOSIT | DAYS OF | MONTH ----------------------+--------- .01 | 1 .02 | 2 .04 | 3 .08 | 4 .16 | 5 .32 | 6 .64 | 7 1.28 | 8 2.56 | 9 5.12 | 10 10.24 | 11 20.48 | 12 40.96 | 13 81.92 | 14 163.84 | 15 327.68 | 16 655.36 | 17 1,310.72 | 18 2.621.44 | 19 5,242.88 | 20 10,485.76 | 21 20,971.52 | 22 41,943.04 | 23 83,886.08 | 24 167,772.16 | 25 335,544.32 | 26 671,088.64 | 27 1,342,177.28 | 28 2,684,354.56 | 29 5,368,709.12 | 30 -------------- | Total, $10,737,418.23 |
The reason more people do not succeed in this Get-Rich-Quick scheme is that they become discouraged when they get about 75 cents in bank and give it up.
[Sidenote: _Society Hint_: Even if you can't get into "Who's who in America," you can get into the Telephone Book, and it costs lots more.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1867) Russia thought she was selling United States a gold brick in Alaska.
(1894) Gold brick proved 24 carat; Russia heartbroken.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1796) Napoleon weds Josephine, hoping his troubles will be little ones.
(1809) Napoleon divorces Josephine. Great trouble being his troubles were not little ones.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1887) Congress passed the anti-polygamy bill. Great anxiety at Newport.
SATURDAY
MAY
Beauty may be only skin deep, but the average observer does not see below the skin.
MATERIA MEDICA
When Willie was young he cried for Mayoria.
When Willie grew older he sought Governoria.
When Willie woke up he'd lost his donoria.
Now Willie is dead: they gave him Castoria.
SCHOOLS ADVERTISEMENTS ACADEMIES COLLEGES STUDIOS
CAN YOU DRAW THIS? IF SO, YOU CAN DRAW ANYTHING
_MICHAEL ANGELO and C. D. GIBSON_ _make large sums of money drawing pictures_
WHY NOT YOU?
_We teach Drawing by mail and will make_ _you a Great Artist in six easy lessons_
ADDRESS
Imperial Correspondence Institute of the Fine Arts
P. O. Box 232323 CHELSEA, MASS.
[Sidenote: _A Feat in Contortion_: To make both ends meet on $8 per week.]
[Sidenote: _Farm Hint_: Make the sled runners of slippery elm.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1305) Dante's "Inferno" first noted description of hell.
(1906) Upton Sinclair's "Jungle" a close second.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1540) Gomera planned Panama Canal.
(1640) The Dutch took it up--then laid it down.
THURSDAY (1879) DeLesseps tries it, but gets snarled up in the Muck Rake.
(1906) Work progressing as rapidly as hot air will allow.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
MAY
There's many a slip 'twixt the stock and the tip.
FORECAST FOR JUNE
From the 1st to the last will be marked by mosquito showers. From the 11th to the 18th weddings will exceed divorces, followed by thunder and lightning. From June 18th to June 30th ice-cream sodas will be in the ascendancy. On June 21st the sun reaches the most northerly point in the Zodiac and enters the constellation of Cancer. Cancer is the sign for June. Cancer is an old sign and something that ought to be cut out.
* * * * *
SIDELIGHTS ON SCIENCE
If all the oceans should evaporate they would leave a deposit of 235 feet of salt. This, it is estimated, would salt enough pretzels to supply the world for several years.
* * * * *
It is claimed that if the power concealed in the sting of a hornet could be harnessed and utilized in commercial channels, it would lower the cost of transportation by a good many per cent.
* * * * *
An interesting experiment for little boys is to go into the dimly lit parlor where the big sister and her young man are sitting. Do not shuffle the feet or make any noise, and you will see a spark.
* * * * *
A hen will lay 200 eggs a year. A mosquito will lay 200,000,000 in one short summer. Are you gladder that hens are not mosquitoes, or that mosquitoes are not as big as hens?
[Sidenote: _Hotel Hint_: No first class inn will permit guests to indulge in such undignified gymnastics as running through the corridors, or jumping board bills.]
[Sidenote: _Seasonable Advice_: Look out for the open work lawn hose and accompanying shower baths.]
SUNDAY (1906) Czar gives three minutes of his time in a talk to put the Douma down and out.
Douma gives all its time to blow Czar up and out.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY May 7--Cannon's boom set off by speech from Uncle Joe--Presidential Bee taking terrible risk at Cannon's mouth.
FRIDAY If two wrongs do not make a right--how many franchises make a wrong?
SATURDAY
JUNE
The man who is down is looking for the other fellow who kicked out some rungs from the ladder of success.
LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY
_The Secretary-bird, or Loebriole._
This little creature belongs to the "Knowitall" class and has no fear, often perching on the "Big Stick" itself. His distinguishing characteristic is a thick oak board where most birds wear tail-feathers. He only sings when there is a storm coming, and then his song has a plaintive note as he warbles "Ki-yi, blame it on me."
* * * * *
_How to Make Credit Grow._
Select a choice "bluff." Prepare this carefully, for the size of the credit depends entirely upon the general appearance of the bluff. When you think the bluff is strong enough, take it to a bank. If it goes there, you will have no further trouble. Your credit is now ready to transplant. Should it begin to droop, give it a check. Be careful not to use too many, for the proper use of the credit-plant is to enable its owner to live without money.
[Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: It is no longer good form to serenade young ladies. If you wish to win their favor, toot an automobile horn.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For "Seeing things" at night try a Welsh Rarebit.]
SUNDAY (1905) Russo-Jap peace treaty at Portsmouth, N. H.--Japanese description of Portsmouth, "A mos' honorable plaze where they dispenz mos' dizhonorable liquor!"
MONDAY
TUESDAY (2000 B.C.) Proverbs invented by Solomon, who gazed upon his wives and exclaimed, "Variety is the spice of life!"
P.S.--Adam couldn't say this because he was handicapped.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1258) "Mad Parliament" meets.
(1906) Congress "mad," still in session.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY If a man tells you that he "had darned hard work getting out of bed this morning," the chances are that the bed was a folding one.
JUNE
Woman's love is chaotic; man's idiotic.
DECKLE-EDGE FRECKLES
Summer begins June 20. By this time your freckles ought to have a good start.
* * * * *
Do you know what a freckle is, children? It is a golden-brown splash on the northwest corner of a young woman's nose, although her dearest friend says it is a fright.
* * * * *
A freckle is the same to a druggist as a pipe line is to Rockefeller--ready money and a lot of it.
* * * * *
One large deckle-edge freckle will cause a girl to buy nine kinds of cold cream, a dozen lemons, a pint of three-ply acid, and a gross of poudre-de-phiz every Saturday afternoon.
* * * * *
All this gives vigor to the freckle.
[Sidenote: _Incendiary Warning_: To save money from fire,--don't burn it.]
[Sidenote: _Etiquette Query_: Is the game worth the scandal?]
SUNDAY
MONDAY About a year ago the Ground 'og cast a shadow in Packingtown.
What's the answer?
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1904) It was reported that Cassie Chadwick and 'Lijah Dowie had formed a Confidence Trust, whereupon Madam Bartrand prayed the Interstate Commerce Commission to issue an injunction against them under the plea of restraint of trade. The injunction was issued, and withdrawn later when the Supreme Court decided that confidence was too universal to be made the basis of a monopoly.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
JUNE
The poet associates his larks with high heaven; the realist associates his larks with high-balls.
RAISING CORN
Great care should be exercised in raising corn, especially the variety _Johnus Barley-cornicus_. This may be raised with either hand. Some superstitious agriculturists believe in the efficacy of a simple incantation to be used in the act of raising this variety, such as "Here's how!" "Over the hot sands!" etc.
This kind has never been known to fail in getting to a head. "Kernels" of Barleycorn originated in Kentucky.
[Sidenote: _Pest Note_: If troubled with Junebugs try sweeping the cobwebs out of the attic; if troubled with aunts close up the house and go to the country.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (390 B.C.) Rome saved by the cackling of geese.
(1905) Reputations ruined by the cackling of Alexander and Hyde.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1906) T. Roosevelt decided to write no more magazine articles, except for the Congressional Record.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1876) Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone.
(1877) American Humorists invented the telephone girl.
SATURDAY
JUNE
Many a woman prefers a love of a hat to the love of a husband.
HOW TO PLANT A BEER GARDEN
Now is the time for the ruddy faced beer gardener to lay out his beer garden. First procure a license and a few nice rustic chairs and tables. Next extract the seeds from a couple of seedy old suits and get your wife to sew them. Your barber will gladly supply you with cuttings, or, if you have the chance, unscrew a dozen or so bulbs from some healthy young electric light plant.
* * * * *
With ordinary summer weather you should soon have a blooming fine lot of Anheuser bushes. As soon as the "buds" begin to pop, pack the roots with ice. Care should be taken to keep the plants from drying out.
* * * * *
Bottle flies, while annoying, do no real injury to the plant, and a judicious use of fly-paper will hold them in check.
* * * * *
In weeding, the beer gardener should be careful to distinguish between true widow's weeds and grass widow's weeds. The latter not only add color and beauty to the garden, but also give life to the plant.
* * * * *
Beer was never worn so much or used so extensively for interior decoration as it is today. There is a ready market for it at five cents a small bunch, and with intelligent grafting the bearing of the plant can be increased tenfold.
[Sidenote: _THERMOMETER ECONOMY_: This is the best time to buy thermometers. They cost no more than during the winter months and contain more than twice as much mercury.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (858 B.C.) Sardanapulus dies on a bier 400 feet high. Great envy among the thirsty.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY July 4th is a great day for those who love to tell us that "all men are created free and equal;" it is also a great day for other Fourth of Juliars.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY (1839) John D. Rockefeller born. "First in the wells, first in the pipes, first in the lamps of his countrymen."
JULY
Never look a gift mule in the hind leg.
HELPFUL HINT FOR JULY
The best authorities agree that it is inadvisable to attach a pack of lighted firecrackers to the tail of the household cat--without first making sure that the insurance policy on the house has been placed in a cold storage vault. A cat loves its favorite corner when it is mentally disquieted.
_ADVERTISEMENTS_
ARTISTS' MATERIALS, PAINTS, BRUSHES, ETC.
_I GILD MY OWN BRICKS_
LITTLE GEM BRICK GILDING OUTFIT
IS A BOON TO FARMERS
Buy the Outfit and be your own Confidence Man, thus enjoying all the pleasures of being buncoed without leaving The Old Home
[Sidenote: _Carving Note_: A chicken neck served to a guest is "the most unkindest cut of all."]
SUNDAY (1906) Lucrezia Borgia rose to assert that she never used embalmed beef at her banquets. MONDAY
TUESDAY (1586 B.C.) Nebuchadnezzar saw the handwriting on the wall.
(1906) John D. Rockefeller sailed for Europe. WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1905) New song published by Cassie Chadwick, "I've worked every one but father." FRIDAY
SATURDAY Boy, gun, Joy, fun. Gun bust. Boy dust.
JULY
Friendship is between men a convenience; between women, a commodity.
HINTS ON DRESS
Parasols should be carried on Sun-day.
* * * * *
Persons attending services in poorly heated churches are justified in making a cloak of their religion.
* * * * *
Eton jackets may be worn at the dinner table.
* * * * *
Silks with watered effects are popular with milkmen's wives.
* * * * *
The smart set is devoting a good deal of attention of late to the costuming of house dogs. Embroidered blankets during the winter and short pants during the hot summer weather are quite popular.
* * * * *
Shrinkable dress-patterns should always be sponged before they are made up, but the custom of putting an overcoat in "soak" after it has been worn awhile is still followed by gentlemen who are financially embarrassed.
[Sidenote: _Advice to Wives_: It is better to let your husband bring a friend home to dinner than it is to have a friend bring him home after dinner.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1896) A bas Dreyfus!
(1906) Vive le Dreyfus!
TUESDAY (1840) First Cunarder arrives in Boston. P.S.--Do not confound with canard, which arrived with Boston to remain always.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY HONOR TO WHOM, ETC.
We're all of us selfishly slow to confess How much others aid us in winning success; But the Fourth of July and the Oyster must see How stupid, without any Crackers, they'd be.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
JULY
Many a Glad Hand turns out to be The Hook.
SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC
(Recent Interpretations)
AQUARIUS, the waterman, indicating what many a man becomes on the first of January.
* * * * *
PISCES, the fishes, indicating that by February he begins to be just as thirsty.
* * * * *
ARIES, the ram, indicating that in March he begins to meditate on the virtues of bock beer.
* * * * *
TAURUS, the bull, indicating that by April his disposition is surly and it's a toss-up whether he really remains a waterman.
* * * * *
GEMINI, the twins, indicating the result of the toss-up and how he feels toward his fellowman in May.
* * * * *
CANCER, the crab, indicating the backward interest with which he listens to his wife's plans for the summer.
(_Continued on next left-hand page._)
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For a turned ankle--a nicely turned feminine ankle--a low shoe, a short skirt, and a drop-stitch stocking are recommended.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1851) Vigilance Committee organized in San Francisco.
(1906) Order of Muck-rakers established in Washington.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1525 B.C.) Pharaoh's daughter finds Moses in the Bull-rushes.
(1906 A.D.) Roosevelt finds a "joker" in the meat bill.
THURSDAY INFINITUDE!
Man looks at the stars and with wonder unspeakable He thinks on their source which he knows is unseekable: He asks who designed all the planets so beautiful, But no one has ever unscrewed the unscrutable.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
JULY
An earthquake is not what it is cracked up to be.
SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC
(_Continued_)
LEO, the Lion, indicating the state of mind with which in July he agrees with them.
* * * * *