Chapter 2

SCENE, _The Park._

_Sir_ Harry_, and the_ Collonel.

_Col._ Never a loose Lady tripping through the _Park_ to whet one's Appetite this Morning?

Sir _Har._ Fie, _Collonel_, refine your Tast;----A common Woman! I'd as soon dine at a common Ordinary: Give me a Woman of Condition, there's Pride as well as Pleasure in such an Amour.

_Col._ Your Women of Condition, Pox on em, are like Noblemen's Dinners, all Garniture and no Meat, then, the Ceremony of Approach and Retire, palls a Man's Inclination, 'till he grows indifferent i' the Matter;-- Wou'd you Charm me, give me a ruddy Country Wench to riffe on the Grass, with no other resistance than,--What a Dickens, is the Man berwattl'd, you are an impudent, bold Rogue, and I'll call my Mother: Besides, the fear of Scandal makes your great Ladies preserve a foolish kind of Virtue, their Principles wou'd fain get rid of.

Sir _Har._ You are deceiv'd, _Collonel_, Women of Quality are above Reputation.--Is it my Lady _Tipple-dram_'s Modesty, or the effect of Ratifia, that gives her a high Colour in the Drawing-room?--Is my Lady _Sluggard_'s Religion question'd, that has never been at Church since her Baptism, or my Lady _Gamesom_'s Virtue suspected for admiring Collonel _Sturdy_'s Regiment; both Sexes of Rank, now, use what Liberty they please without censuring one another, and consequently despise the tattling of Inferiours.

_Col._ Ha! what pert Fellow's this, that whisks it along in a Silk-Drugget Suit, with the empty Air of a Fop Mercer, or a Judge's Train-bearer?

Sir _Har._ Oh! 'Tis young _Nicknack_, a Beau Merchant, his Father dy'd lately, and left him considerably in Money, he has been bred to business, with a Liberty of Pleasure, a little vain and affected as most young Fellows are; but his Foppery is rather pretty and diverting than tiresome and impertinent. For his Father obliging him still to live in the City, and follow Business, he has turn'd Commerce into a Jest, and calls himself, The Ladies Merchant; for he imports nothing but Squirrels, Lap-dogs and _Guinea piggs_ to insnare the Women.

_Enter_ Nicknack.

_Nick_. Dear Sir _Harry_, I have been twice round the _Park_, in search of you.

Sir _Har._ Mr. _Nicknack_ pray know the _Collonel_ here; an intimate Friend o'mine just arriv'd from _Flanders_.

_Nick_. Sir, I kiss your Hands, I am glad to find for the Ladies sake, as well as your own, you are not the least disabl'd I wou'd give Ten Guineas, _Collonel_, to see an Engagement, cou'd one be secure from a Cannon Bullet.

_Col_. Ten Guineas to see an Engagement; wou'd you make a show of Desolation, and have Men kill one another to divert your Spleen? What shou'd any one do i'the Field, that's afraid of a Cannon Bullet?

_Nic_. 'Tis not impossible, Sir, in a whole Army, to find a Person as little dispos'd to swallow a Cannon Bullet as my self; but I shou'd have this preference to him, as I wou'd avoid fighting, I wou'd ask no Pay.

_Col_. Ha! Wit out of _Cheapside_, I'm afraid City Credit's at a very low Ebb.

_Nick_. Your Pardon, _Collonel_.----Sir _Harry_, have you seen Lady _Rodomont_ this Morning? I have News for her will make her Heart caper, as mine did at the Death of my Father. The _Bawble_ Friggat, Captain _Gewgaw_ Commander, is just arriv'd laden with Parrots, Parrotkeits, Monkeys, Mamosets, Leopards, Lowries, _Muscovy_-Ducks, _German_-Geese, _Danish_-Dormice, _Portugal_-Pigs, _Hannover_-Hens, and all the Rarities imaginable.

Sir _Har_. You are a happy Man, Mr. _Nicknack_, that have such new ways to ingage the Ladies; if you succeed in your Addresses to Lady _Rodomont_, from your good Fortune, all the Beaus will turn Traders, and instead of Treats, Balls, and Serenades, we shall have Post Nights, Polices of Insurance, Factors, Agents, and Correspondents to import Niceties for their Mistresses.

_Col_. [_aside_] Ridiculous;----And d'you think a Lady of her Birth and Estate wou'd Marry a City Merchant.

_Nick_. A City Merchant, _Collonel_,----We have Creatures, indeed, that deal in Herrings from _Holland_, and Cod from _Newfoundland_; but there are degrees in Merchandizing as well as other Professions. An Officer o'the Guards is above a Captain o'the Train Bands; and, I hope, there's difference between a Gentleman that Trades to the _Indies_, and Merchant _Rag_ that sends old Cloaths to _Jamaica_; but why, _Collonel_, shou'd the City be so much despis'd, that has so near an affinity to the Court; we have sense to distinguish Men and Manners, Breeding to pay a Valiant Prince homage, that ev'ry Year triumphs for his Country, and generosity to entertain him, where many a hungry Courtier has been glad to sneak in for a Dinner.

_Col._ [_aside_] The Fellow talks Reason, i'faith;--but prithee, Mr. _Nicknack_, what Business can a Merchant have at this end o'the Town; for a Man that's bred up in a Counting-House to pretend to Airs and Graces, is as monstrously ridiculous, as a Play-House Orange-Wench with a Gold Watch by her side.

_Nick._ Pardon me there _Collonel_; are Pleasure and Business inconsistent, must ev'ry Citizen be a Drone, that crawls among Furr Gowns, or a Cuckold that's preferr'd by the Common-Hall; pray tell me, what difference is there between a Merchant of a good Education, and a Gentleman of Two Thousand Pounds a Year, only one has Threescore Thousand Pounds clear in his Pocket, and t'other an Estate that's mortgag'd to Threescore People; I have a House in _Billiter-Lane_, the Air's as good as _Pickadilly_. _Cornish_ makes my Cloaths, _Chevalier_ my Periwigs, I'm courted ev'ry Day to subscribe for singing Opera's, and have had Fifteen Actresses at my Levee, with their Benefit-Tickets.

Sir _Har._ But, methinks, Mr. _Nicknack_; you that have so plentiful a Fortune, shou'd leave off Business, and reside wholly amongst Men of Figure and Estates.

_Nick._ My Commerce, Sir _Harry_, is but in Impertinences without the least prospect of Gain; for the old Gentleman, when with great Industry, he had imported an Estate of Fifty Thousand Pounds, with greater Civility exported himself into the next World and left me all. Besides, Merchandize is but a sort of Gaming, and if I like it better than Hazard or Basset, why should any Man quarrel with my Genius; but, Gentlemen, your Servant. I must find out Lady _Rodomont_; for I have ingros'd the whole Ship's Cargo to my self, as my Father us'd to do Raw-Silk, and design her the first choice of ev'ry Thing. [_Exit._

_Col._ But what crabbed Don's this with the knavish Look of an old plodding Conveyancer, whose Face and Profession are enough to raise the Devil.

Sir _Har._ 'Tis Major _Bramble_, a factious, seditious old Rogue, that's neither Whig, nor Tory, but an Enemy to his own Country; he hates the Government, because the Government don't like him; repines at all our Successes; and his Bosom Friends are Minters, Owlers, Pettifoggers, Nonjurors that won't swear to the Government, and _Irish_ Evidences that will swear to any thing.

_Enter_ Major Bramble.

Heav'n guard the Court!--What cursed Plot's now hatching, that brings the grumbling _Major_ to the _Park_?

_Bram._ The Government, Sir _Harry_, will ne'er suspect my policy at plotting, when I have no more sense than to trust a Wit with it; but the Company I keep, may with wondrous ease form a Plot past your finding out.

Sir _Har._ What, cowardly Bullies, tatter'd Gam'sters, and Fellows that have been twice transported, poor, unhappy scoundrels that disturb the Nation to please you rich Male-Contents, and are hang'd for their reward.

_Bram._ Those Gentlemen, Sir _Harry_, you're pleas'd to term scoundrels, I honour; he that takes sanctuary in the _Fleet_, has an immediate place in my Heart; the Heroes of the _Mint_ are a formidable Body, magnanimously sowse ev'ry Fellow in a Ditch that dares to infringe their Liberties; he that's committed to _Newgate_ is in a fair way to Immortality;--He that stands in the Pillory is exalted to a very high Station; the Observator is my very good Friend; and he that writes the Review a Person of a most incomparable Assurance.

_Col._ But where's the Satisfaction of admiring what's Rascally?

_Bram._ You're mistaken, Sir, Virtue's oppress'd; these are the only Men of worth i'the Nation, and since the World's compos'd chiefly of Knaves and Hypocrites, it behoves ev'ry honest Fellow to over-reach the World; therefore he that runs away from his Creditors is a Man of admirable Principles, and his Creditors are very great Rogues.

_Col._ But why d'you hate the Government, _Major_, what harm has that done you.

_Bram._ Why, Sir, I was formerly in a very good Office, was turn'd out for Bribery, and have had none giv'n me since, therefore while the Government takes no notice of me, I'll take no notice of the Government.

Sir _Har._ You are a Person, _Major_, the Government ought to take notice of, I assure you--And d'you think a Man of your Character and Conversation qualify'd for a publick Post.

_Bram._ Certainly, Sir _Harry_, who makes a better Soldier than a Midnight-Scourer; who proves a sharper Judge than a Serjeant that takes Fees on both sides; or who thumps the Cushion better than he that has thumpt all the Wives i'the Parish; therefore that am acquainted with all you call Rogues i'the Kingdom, think my self notably qualify'd for a _Custom-House-Officer_--but whether the Government employs us, or not, my Companions are the happiest People i'the World; we meet ev'ry Day at a House within the Rules of the _Fleet_, where we have fat Venison, that's Stole out of _Windsor-Park_; _French_ Wine, that's Run i'the _Wild o' Kent_; drink Confusion to our Arms, and talk Treason, till the Vintner crys, _Huzza, Drawer bring in my Bottle_. And there are of our Club, Four Broken-Officers, Six Suborning-Attorneys, a Disaffected-Cobler, Two Highway-Men, and Eleven _Jacobite_, Outlaw'd-Parsons.

Sir _Har._ If you are such an Enemy to your native Country, why don't you course the World, and please your self.

_Bram._ Thank you, Sir _Harry_, but tho' things don't go as I'd have them, of all Countries, I like _England_ the best, for 'tis the only Kingdom in the World that suffers Faction; where one may write Libels, affront the Ministry, deride the Laws, and set the whole Nation together by the Ears-- but whilst I am idle, mighty Matters are at a stand; in short, my Business here is to make my Addresses to Lady _Rodomont_, who having lately seen _Italy_ and _France_, like a true Woman, is return'd with a most horrid Contempt of her own Country, and may like my Principles better than the flutt'ring Airs of you Town-Sparks--afterwards, Gentlemen, I shall be proud of both your Companies to dine in the _Press-Yard_, in _Newgate_, with sev'ral very ingenious Persons, that coin better than they do i'the _Tower_. [_Exit._

_Col_. So, Lady _Rodomont_'s the Cry--How Divine a Creature is a Woman that has Six thousand a Year; the Town's quite mad after her.

Sir _Har_. And such an Estate's enough to make her mad; Women are too sanguine for such mighty Fortune; Ten thousand Pounds touches a Lady's Brain, but when they prove great Heiresses, they're--

_Col_. Oh! stark Staring, Raving! and we ought to have the Custody of em.

Sir _Har_. Let's move towards the Court, _Collonel_, where we shall meet her sailing down the _Mall_, and the Fops after her, with all the Pride of a First-Rate Man of War, that's convoying a few petty Merchant-Ships to the _West-Indies_.

_Enter_ Shrimp _with a Letter_.

Sir _Har_. [reads.] _By the next return of the Waggon you will receive Master_ Totty, _who was nineteen Years last Grass, with a Box of _Shrewsbury-Cakes, _and a Simnel: His Grand-Mother desires you will put him Clerk to some honest Attorney, if it be possible to find one, and the Child be fit for it, or to what else the Child shall be fit for; but if you find him fit for nothing, that you'll return him with great Care to his Grand-Mother again. He is free from ev'ry Vice, having always lain with his Grand-Mother, gone no where but to visit old Ladies with his Grand-Mother, and has never been out of his Grand-Mother's sight, since he was six Weeks old_--What a Pox do the Women send me their Fool to educate, they may as well send me their Heads to dress; but I shall leave him to my Servant; a Town Valet's Tutor and Companion good enough for a Country 'Squire--_Shrimp_, go to the _Saracen's-Head-Inn_, enquire for Master _Totty_, a Man-Child, of nineteen Years of Age, and carry him to my Lodgings. [_Exeunt_.

_Enter Lady_ Toss-up, _and Mrs_. Flimsy.

La. _Toss_. Lord, _Flimsy_! was there ever an Assurance like my Lady _Rodomont_'s, to engross all the Fellows to her self.

_Flim_. For that matter, Madam, I cou'd dispence with 'em all, and as many more; but a Lady that declares against Marriage, to suffer such a Train of _Beaus_, shews her self superlatively Vain-glorious.

La. _Toss_. A vertuous Woman, that declares against Marriage, may as well declare against Eating and Drinking; all Women have Inclinations to Love; besides, _Flimsy_, Marriage is an Ordinance, and to declare against it, I take to be a very wicked thing; but if she has made a Vow of Chastity, she might release her Admirers to those Ladies that are willing the World shou'd continue peopl'd. My Lady _Love-gang_ swears she'll go live in _Scotland_ about it; my Lady _Dandler_ lays it so to Heart, I'm afraid she'll be silly; for my part, I bear it--not so patiently as Folks think.

_Flim_. They say, Madam, she has depriv'd you of some particular Lovers; I'd arrest her for 'em.

La. _Toss_. Sir _Harry Sprightly_ I have danc'd with; Brigadier _Blenheim_ too has handed me out of the Box, but when Lady _Rodomont_ arriv'd, they both flew from me like a parcel of Fortune-hunters from a reputed City-Heiress, when her Father breaks, and can give her nothing.

_Flim_. Here she comes, surrounded with _Beaus_, and I warrant, thinks her self as good as the Queen; if I were the Queen, I'd have her taken up for thinking so. Pray Madam affront her.

_Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy, _follow'd by Sir_ Harry, _Collonel_ Blenheim, _Mr_. Nicknack, _Major_ Bramble, _several Fops and Footmen_.

La. _Rod_. Dear _Messieurs_! give me Breath: Not but a Croud of Beaus are very acceptable; but to press upon one too hard, is like a new Monarch just seated on the Throne, that's stifl'd with Court Cringes--Don't you think, Sir _Harry_, the _Italians_ that approach us at more distance, show greater Veneration and Respect.

Sir _Har_. Ladies in their High-Noon of labour'd Garniture, Are pleas'd, when we admire 'em like the Sun, Whom none directly looks at, But in the Ev'ning, as the Sun goes down, They're better pleas'd we shou'd approach 'em nearer.

La. _Rod._ O you malicious Creature! That Censure's from the Freedoms of the _French_: A Traveller shou'd humour Countries, Customs; in _Spain_, a modest Woman hides her Face; in _France_ we shift our selves before our Valets; nay, shou'd much greater Freedoms there be practis'd, none but an _English_ Clown suspects our Vertue--_Collonel_, you're welcome to _England_; you have distinguish'd your self nobly this Campaign; I hear at _Audenard_ you acted Wonders.

_Col._ Madam, When Kings command their Subjects to the Field, The Swords our Calling, and we fight for pay, And lengthen out a War to raise Estates; But when a Queen, whose matchless Virtue fires us, And whose obliging Goodness courts our Valour, We march with Pride, and unresisted Force, To spread the Empire of so bright a Mistress.

La. _Rod._ I find, _Collonel_, an _English_ Officer may be perfectly well-bred, but I attribute it to your success in War; you have taken most of the _French_ Officers Prisoners, whose Conversation has refin'd your Manners.

_Col._ 'Tis granted, Madam, their Conversation's wondrous _Degaugée_-- we'll take 'em to refine us ev'ry Year.

La. _Rod._ Sir _Harry_, what Diversions are a-foot; but _England_ is so phlegmatick a Climate, no Carnivals, nor Midnight-Masquerades, but Two and fifty Days lost ev'ry Year for want of Balls and Operas on a _Sunday_.

Sir _Har._ Our Nation, Madam's so far gone in Parties, That Faction's even carry'd to Diversions, One Party strives for Sense, and t'other Sound; The _Major_ here, I think opposes both.

_Bram._ So I do--What signifies a Comedy of Fools; han't we the Courts of _Westminster_ to divert us; and your Tragedies, where Kings and Emperors are murder'd; in a quarter of an Hour after they are at _Buxton's_ Coffee-House, playing at _All-Fours_; then your Singing-Op'ras, I hate your _Italian_ Squaling, like a Woman in Labour; and 'fore-gad, Madam, 'tis a most miraculous thing to me, that a Lady of your Experience, who has travers'd the World, and ought to know Nature in a wonderful Perfection, shou'd admire an Eunuch.

La. _Rod._ You shou'd have liv'd in former Ages, _Major_, when odious Tilts and Tournaments were in Vogue; our Pleasures are too curious for your Taste, I fancy the _Bear-Garden_ suits your Genius mightily.

_Bram._ Ay, Madam, there's Celestial Sport and Pastime; the Musick of the Dogs, the Harmony o' the Butchers, to see, a Mastiff tear a Bull by the Throat, the Bull once wounded, goring o'er the Ground, cants a fat Woman higher than the _Monument_--I love Reality in my Diversions; but at a _Play-House_ I never laugh'd but once, and that was at a most agreeable Noise the Footmen made in the Upper-Gall'ry.

La. _Rod._ Savage Creature!

_Nick._ Your brutish Temper, _Major_, wou'd make one fancy you were born in _Greenland_, and suckl'd by a _Wolf_.

_Bram._ Better be suckl'd in _Greenland_ than in _Essex_; a _Wolf's_ a nobler Creature than a _Calf_; for now young Fellows are so nicely bred, so fondl'd, and so furbelow'd with Follies, they scarce retain the Species of a Man; for my part, I have Magick in my Looks, I have frighted a High-Priest into Quakerism; converted a _Jew_ to no Religion at all, and possess'd Squire _Lacy_ with a Spirit of Prophetick Lying; I can turn a Justice of Peace into a _Jack-Daw_, a Citizen into any tame kind of Beast, and an old fadling Judge into a fidgetting Dry-Nurse--But I find, Madam, you are got into a Beau-Chat, where my rough Language is as disagreeable, as martial Musick at _White_'s Chocolate-House; tho', were I a Lady of a great Estate, I'd show as great Sagacity in despising the Fops, and think my Fortune prodigiously repaid in the Affections of so renown'd a Person as _Major-Bramble_. [_Exit._

_All._ Ha, ha, ha.

La. _Rod._ Oh Mr. _Nicknack_! I hear the _Bauble-Frigot_'s in the River, I'm on Tip-toes to see what's imported: Are the Catalogues out yet?

_Nick._ Your Ladyship is set down for the whole Cargo, to select where you please, tho' the Ladies teize me as much for new Fancies, as your good for nothing Actresses do a Poet for Parts, at the disposal of a new Comedy; and I protest Madam, I find it as difficult to get Goods fast enough, as a Woman that Lies in ev'ry Year does to get God-fathers.

La. _Rod_. Pray, Mr. _Nicknack,_ what Demands have the Ladies made on you.

_Nick_ My Lady _Swine-love_ has bespoke a Dozen of _Bermudas_ Pigs; my Lady _Noisy_ a screaming Parrot; my Lady _Squelch_ a _Dutch_ Mastiff; my Lady _Hoyden-tail_ a Cat o' Mountain; Mrs. _Tireman_ a large Baboon, and Mrs. _Lick-it_ an _Italian_ Greyhound.

La. _Rod_. You have an infallible Snare for our Sex; but I wonder, Mr. _Nicknack,_ how so refin'd a Merchant as you, can endure the smoaky Coffee-Houses, and the dirty _Exchange_.

_Nick_. Madam, I use _Robin's_, as nice a Coffee-House as _Tom's_, where no Smoaking's allow'd, but a little _Betony_ or _Colt's-foot_ to a few Hundred thousand Pound Men; as for the _Change_, I must own, _Dutch_-Shapes, and _Jew_-Faces are not so agreeable to look at, as the Beauties at _Hampton-Court_; and I wonder the better sort of Merchants don't walk above Stairs, that in a dead time o' Business, when we have little to employ our Thoughts, we may divert our Opticks with the pretty Sempstresses.

Sir _Har_. When Business is at an ebb, what occasion have you to be there.

_Nick_. Only the Hopes of bubling you Beau-Baronets, that come thither to show your Equipage, and laugh at Men of Business, where we invite you to Dinner at _Pontack's_, drink heartily about, and then draw you in for a thousand Guineas on some publick Wager,--Tho' really the greatest Misfortune that attends a Merchant is an indispensable Necessity of being ev'ry Day at Change; for shou'd the least Ill-news happen, and a Merchant absent, whip, they protest his Bills, report he's in _Holland_, when, poor Soul, he's gone no farther than to the _Saturday's_ Club at _Black-heath_ Bowling-Green.

L. _Rod_. I think you have Travell'd tho', Mr. _Nicknack_.

_Nick_. To _Leghorne_ and _Smirna_, Madam, instead of _France_ and _Italy_, where I had like to have had a Scimiter in my Guts, by an impotent old Turk, that spy'd me glancing at his Wife, when he had a hundred and fifty besides, and was past the use of one of 'em.

_Col._ Were you never at _Virginia_ and _Barbadoes_?

_Nick._ _Virginia_ and _Barbadoes_, Collonel, I never did any thing to deserve Transportation; perhaps, when the War's over, some of your Livery that have been us'd to Plundering abroad, and can't leave it off here, may after a Ride or two to _Finchly Common_ have occasion to visit the Plantations. I own I have Correspondents at _Barbadoes_, now and then, to import a little Citron Water for Ladies that have a Coldness at their Stomach, and a Parcel of _Oroonoko_ Tobacco, to oblige some West Country Countesses.

L. _Rod._ Is not that my Lady _Toss-up?_ I shou'd hardly have known her, but by her down-right English Air--why no body minds her--Sir _Harry_, give the Lady a Pinch of sweet Snuff.--[_Aside_.] She's horridly concern'd at my Attractions, yet too proud to shew it, and looks as disconsolately gay, as a Maid of Thirty at the Wedding of her youngest Sister; how I love to mortify these Creatures.

L. _Toss._ [_Advancing to Lady_ Rodomont] I find, Madam, by your Ladyship's Appearance and Conversation you have been a very great Traveller.

L. _Rod_. By your Ladyship's Appearance, I find you're a very great Stranger both to Conversation, and your own Country.

L. _Toss_. Is Travel, Madam, essential to a Lady's Education, or does it only serve to heigthen her Assurance?

L. _Rot_. Some Ladies, Madam, are so plentifully stock'd by Nature, they want neither Art nor Travel to improve it.

L. _Toss_. Tis much then your Ladyship shou'd encourage Art or Travel, where Nature has bestow'd the largest Share, but I wonder not a Lady shou'd be so studious to accomplish her self who so fondly permits a Crowd of Followers.

L. _Rod_. A Lady, Madam, is seldom concern'd at another's Followers, but when she laments the loss of 'em her self, and if the Fops that flutter about me, give you any Disorder, I can easily resign 'em to your Ladyship.

L. _Toss_. By no means, Madam, that wou'd be to rob your Ladyship's Cozen, there, who is equally entitul'd to your Cast off Lovers, and your old Cloths.

Mrs. _Lov_. Her Ladyship's Cozen, Madam, wou'd no more accept of any Lady's old Cloths, than of your Ladyship's Face.

L. _Toss_. Nay, Madam, if her Ladyship's a'ground, your Face may put both Sexes out o'Countenance. [_Exeunt Lady_ Toss-up, _and Mrs._ Flimsy.

L. Rod. _Tho' minor Beauties at a_ Venus _rave, Spight her the more, the more her Charms inslave; As 'mongst the Stars the Moon maintains her Place, She Bridles in her Air, and Triumphs in her Face._

The End of the Second ACT.