Part 108

Long at one place we must not stay, ’Tis almost four, let’s haste away. But here’s a sign; ’tis rash, we think, To leave the place before we drink. We meet with liquor to our mind, Our hostess complaisant and kind: She was a widow, who, we found, Had (as the phrase is) been shod round, That is, had buried husbands four, And had no want of charms for more; Yet her we leave, and, as we go, _Scott_ bravely undertook to show That through the world we could not pass, How thin soe’er our breeches was; “’Tis true, indeed, we may go round, But through”--then pointed to the ground. So well he manag’d the debate, We own’d he was a man of weight: And so indeed he was this once, His pockets we had fill’d with stones. But here we’d serv’d ourselves a trick, Of which he might have made us sick; We’d furnish’d him with ammunition Fit to knock down all opposition; And, knowing well his warmth of temper, Out of his reach began to scamper, Till, growing cooler, he pretends His passion feign’d, so all are friends. Our danger now becomes a joke, And peaceably we go to _Stoke_. About the church we nothing can see To strike or entertain our fancy: But near a farm, or an elm tree, A long pole fix’d upright we see, And tow’rd the top of it was plac’d A weathercock, quite in high taste, Which all of us, ere we go further, Pronounce of the Composite order. First, on a board turn’d by the wind, A painter had a cock design’d, A common weathercock was above it, This turn’d too as the wind did move it; Then on the spindle’s point so small A shuttlecock stuck o’ertopp’d them all. This triple alliance gave occasion To much improving speculation. Alas! we ne’er know when we are well, So at _Northfleet_ again must quarrel; But fought not here with sticks and stones (For those, you know, might break our bones) A well just by, full to the brim, Did fitter for our purpose seem; So furiously we went to dashing, Till our coats wanted no more washing; But this our heat and courage cooling, ’Twas soon high time to leave such fooling. To _The Nag’s Head_ we therefore hie, To drink, and to be turn’d adry. At six, while supper was preparing, And we about the marsh-lands staring, Our two game cocks, _Tothall_ and _Scott_, To battling once again were got: But here no weapons could they find, Save what the cows dropp’d from behind; With these they pelted, till we fancy Their cloaths look’d something like a tansy. At seven we all come home again, _Tothall_ and _Scott_ their garments clean; Supper we get, and, when that’s o’er, A tiff of punch drink at the door; Then, as the beds were only three, Draw cuts who shall so lucky be As here to sleep without a chum; To _Tothall’s_ share the prize did come; _Hogarth_ and _Thornhill_, _Scott_ and I, In pairs, like man and wife, must lie. Then mighty frolicksome they grow, At _Scott_ and me the stocking throw, Fight with their wigs, in which perhaps They sleep, for here we found no caps. Up at eleven again we get, Our sheets were so confounded wet; We dress, and lie down in our cloaths; _Monday_, at three, awak’d and rose. And of the cursed gnats complain, Yet make a shift to sleep again. Till six o’clock we quiet lay, And then got out for the whole day; To fetch a barber out we send; Stripp’d, and in boots, he does attend, For he’s a fisherman by trade; Tann’d was his face, shock was his head; He flowers our wigs and trims our faces, And the top barber of the place is. The cloth is for our breakfast spread, A bowl of milk and toasted bread Are brought, of which while _Forrest_ eats, To draw our pictures _Hogarth_ sits; _Thornhill_ is in the barber’s hands, Shaving himself _Will Tothall_ stands; While _Scott_ is in a corner sitting, And an unfinish’d piece completing. Our reckoning about eight we pay, And take for Isle of _Greane_ our way; To keep the road we were directed, But, as ’twas bad, this rule neglected; A tempting path over a stile Led us astray above a mile; Yet the right road at last we gain, And joy to find ourselves at _Greane_; Where my Dame _Husbands_, at _The Chequer_, Refresh’d us with some good malt liquor; Into her larder then she runs, Brings out salt pork, butter, and buns, And coarse black bread, but that’s no matter, ’Twill fortify us for the water. Here _Scott_ so carefully laid down His penknife which had cost a crown, That all in vain we sought to find it, And, for his comfort, say, “Ne’er mind it;” For to _Sheerness_ we now must go: To this the ferryman says, “No.” We to another man repair’d: He too says, “No--it blows too hard.” But, while we study how to get there, In spite of this tempestuous weather, Our landlady a scheme propos’d, With which we fortunately clos’d, Was to the shore to go, and try To hail the ships in ordinary, So we might get, for no great matter, A boat to take us o’er the water. We haste, and soon the shore we tread, With various kinds of shells bespread, And in a little time we spy’d A boat approaching on our side; The man to take us in agreed, But that was difficult indeed, Till, holding in each hand an oar, He made a sort of bridge to shore, O’er which on hands and knees we crawl, And so get safe on board the yawl. In little time we seated were, And now to _Shepey’s_ coast draw near; When suddenly, with loud report, The cannons roar from ships and fort, And, like tall fellows, we impute To our approach this grand salute. But soon, alas! our pride was humbled, And from this fancy’d height we tumbled, On recollecting that the day The nine and twentieth was of _May_. The firing had not long been ended, Before at _Sheerness_ we were landed, Where on the battery while we walk, And of the charming prospect talk, _Scott_ from us in a hurry runs, And, getting to the new-fir’d guns, Unto their touch-holes clapp’d his nose; _Hogarth_ sits down, and trims his toes; These whims when we had made our sport, Our turn we finish round the fort, And are at one for _Queenborough_ going: Bleak was the walk, the wind fierce blowing, And driving o’er our heads the spray; On loose beach stones, our pebbly way, But _Thornhill_ only got a fall, Which hurt him little, if at all: So merrily along we go, And reach that famous town by two. _Queenborough_ consists of one short street, Broad, and well-pav’d, and very neat; Nothing like dirt offends the eye, Scarce any people could we spy: The town-house, for the better show Is mounted on a portico Of piers and arches, number four, And crown’d at top with a clock tower; But all this did not reach so high As a flag-staff, that stood just by, On which a standard huge was flying (The borough’s arms, the king’s supplying) Which on high festivals they display To do the honours of the day. As for salutes, excus’d they are, Because they have no cannon there. To the church-yard we first repair, And hunt for choice inscriptions there. Search stones and rails, till almost weary all In hopes to find something material. When one at last, of pyebald style (Though grave the subject) made us smile: Telling us first, in humble prose, “That _Henry Knight_ doth here repose, A _Greenland_ Trader twice twelve year, As master and as harpooner:” Then, in as humble verse, we read (As by himself in person said) “In _Greenland_ I whales, sea-horse, and bears did slay Though now my body is intombed in clay.” The house at which we were to quarter Is call’d _The Swans_; this rais’d our laughter, Because the sign is _The Red Lion_, So strange a blunder we cry “Fie on!” But, going in, all neat we see And clean; so was our landlady: With great civility she told us, She had not beds enough to hold us, But a good neighbour had just by, Where some of us perhaps might lie. She sends to ask. The merry dame Away to us directly came, Quite ready our desires to grant, And furnish us with what we want. Back to the church again we go, Which is but small, ill built, and low, View’d the inside, but still we see Nothing of curiosity, Unless we suffer the grave-digger In this our work to make a figure, Whom just beside us now we have, Employ’d in opening of a grave. A prating spark indeed he was, Knew all the scandal of the place, And often rested from his labours, To give the history of his neighbours; Told who was who, and what was what, Till on him we bestow’d a pot. (For he forgot not, you may think, “Masters, I hope you’ll make me drink!”). At this his scurrilous tongue run faster, Till “a sad dog” he call’d his master, Told us the worshipful the Mayor Was but a custom house officer, Still rattling on till we departed, Not only with his tales diverted, But so much wisdom we had got, We treated him with t’other pot. Return we now to the town-hall, That, like the borough, is but small, Under its portico’s a space, Which you may call the market place, Just big enough to hold the stocks, And one, if not two, butchers’ blocks, Emblems of plenty and excess, Though you can no where meet with less: For though ’tis call’d & market-town (As they are not asham’d to own) Yet we saw neither butcher’s meat, Nor fish, nor fowl, nor aught to eat. Once in seven years, they say, there’s plenty, When strangers come to represent ye. Hard at _The Swans_ had been our fare, But that some _Harwich_ men were there, Who lately had some lobsters taken, With which, and eke some eggs and bacon, Our bellies we design to fill; But first will clamber up the hill, A most delightful spot of ground, O’erlooking all the country round; On which there formerly has been The palace of _Philippa_, queen To the third _Edward_, as they tell, Now nought remains on’t but a well: But ’tis from hence, says common fame, The borough gets its royal name. Two sailors at this well we meet, And do each other kindly greet: “What brings you here, my lads?” cry we. “Thirst, please your honours, as you see; For (adds the spokesman) we are here Waiting for our young officer, A midshipman on board _The Rose_, (For General _S----’s_ son he goes) We and our messmates, six in all, Yesterday brought him in our yawl, And when, as we had been commanded, Quite safe and dry we had him landed, By running of her fast aground At tide of ebb, he quickly found That he might go and see _Sheerness_, So here he left us pennyless, To feast on _Queenborough_ air and water, Or starve, to him ’tis no great matter; While he among his friends at ease is, And will return just when he pleases; Perhaps he may come back to-day; If not, he knows that we must stay.” So one of us gave him a tester, When both cried out, “God bless you, master!” Then ran to rouse their sleeping fellows, To share their fortune at the alehouse. Hence to the creek-side, one and all, We go to see _The Rose’s_ yawl, And found her bedded in the mud, Immovable till tide of flood. The sailors here had cockles got, Which gratefully to us they brought, ’Twas all with which they could regale us; This t’ other sixpence sent to th’ alehouse: So merrily they went their way, And we were no less pleas’d than they. At seven about the town we walk, And with some pretty damsels talk, Beautiful nymphs indeed, I ween, Who came to see, and to be seen. Then to our _Swans_ returning, there We borrow’d a great wooden chair, And plac’d it in the open street, Where, in much state did _Hogarth_ sit To draw the townhouse, church, and steeple, Surrounded by a crowd of people; Tag, rag, and bobtail, stood quite thick there, And cry’d, “What a sweet pretty picture!” This was not finish’d long before We saw, about the Mayor’s fore-door, Our honest sailors in a throng: We call’d one of them from among The rest, to tell us the occasion; Of which he gave us this relation: “Our midshipman is just come back, And chanc’d to meet or overtake A sailor walking with a woman (May be she’s honest, may be common): He thought her handsome, so his honour Would needs be very sweet upon her: But this the seaman would not suf- -fer, and this put him in a huff. ‘Lubber, avast,’ says sturdy _John_, ‘Avast, I say, let her alone; You shall not board her, she’s my wife. Sheer off, Sir, if you love your life: I’ve a great mind your back to lick;’ And up he held his oaken stick. “Our midship hero this did scare: I’ll swear the peace before the Mayor,” Says he, so to the Mayor’s they trudge: How such a case by such a judge Determin’d was I cannot say, We thought it not worth while to stay: For it strikes nine, “How th’ evening spends “Come, let us drink to all our friends A chearful glass, and eat a bit.” So to our supper down we sit, When something merry check’d our mirth: The _Harwich_ men had got a birth Closely adjoining to our room, And were to spend their evening come: The wall was thin, and they so near, That all they say, or sing, we hear. We sung our songs, we crack’d our jokes, Their emulation this provokes; And they perform’d so joyously, As distanc’d hollow all our glee; So (were it not a bull) I’d say, This night they fairly won the day. Now plenteously we drink of flip, In hopes we shall the better sleep; Some rest the long day’s work requires; _Scott_ to his lodging first retires; His landlady is waiting for him, And to his chamber walks before him; In her fair hand a light she bears, And shows him up the garret-stairs; Away comes he greatly affronted, And his disgrace to us recounted, This makes us game, we roast him for it, “_Scott’s_ too high-minded for a garret.” But _Tothall_ more humanely said, “Come, _Scott_, be easy, take my bed, And to your garret I will go.” (This great good-nature sure did show) There finding nought him to entertain But a flock-bed without a curtain, He too in haste came back, and got Away to share his bed with _Scott_, And at eleven each goes to nest, Till _Tuesday_ morn to take his rest. At six comes _Hogarth_, “Rise, Sirs, rise,” Says he, with roguery in his eyes, “_Scott’s_ landlady is below stairs; And roundly the good woman swears, That for his lodging he shall pay, (Where his tir’d bones he scorn’d to lay) Or he should go before the Mayor.” She’s in the right on’t, we declare, For this would cut the matter short, (At least ’twould make us special sport); But here she balk’d us, and, no doubt, Had wit enough to find us out. Our mark thus miss’d, we kindly go To see how he and _Tothall_ do. We find the doors all open were, (It seems that’s not unusual here) They’re very well, but _Scott_ last night Had been in a most dreadful fright: “When to his room he got,” he said, “And just was stepping into bed, He thought he saw the bed-cloaths stir, So back he flew in mortal fear; But, taking heart of grace, he try’d To feel what ’twas, when out it cry’d; Again he starts, but to his joy It prov’d a little harmless boy, Who by mistake had thither crept, And soundly (till he wak’d him) slept. So from his fears recover’d quite, He got to sleep, and slept all night.” We laugh at this, and he laughs too, For, pray, what better could he do? At ten we leave our _Lion-Swans_, And to the higher lands advance, Call on our laundress by the way, For the led shirts left yesterday To wash; “She’s sorry, they’re not yet Quite dry!”--“Why then we’ll take them wet They’ll dry and iron’d be, we hope, At _Minster_, where we next shall stop.” The way was good, the weather fair, The prospects most delightful were. To _Minster_ got, with labour hard We climb’d the hill to the church-yard, But, when arriv’d there, did not fail To read some verses on a rail Well worth transcribing, we agree, Whether you think so, you may see. “Here interr’d _George Anderson_ doth lye, By fallen on an anchor he did dye In _Sheerness_ yard on _Good Friday_ The 6th of _April_, I do say, All you that read my allegy be alwaies Ready for to dye--aged 42 years.” Of monuments that here they shew Within the church, we drew but two; One an ambassador of _Spain’s_, T’other Lord _Shorland’s_ dust contains, Of whom they have a wondrous story, Which (as they tell) I’ll lay before ye. [349]The Lord of _Shorland_, on a day, Chancing to take a ride this way, About a corpse observ’d a crowd, Against their priest complaining loud, That he would not the service say Till somebody his fees should pay. On this his lordship too did rave, And threw the priest into the grave, “Make haste and fill it up,” said he, “We’ll bury both without a fee.” But when got home, and cool, reflecting On the strange part he had been acting, He drew a state up of the case, Humbly petitioning for grace, And to the sea gallop’d away, Where, at that time, a frigate lay, With Queen _Elizabeth_ on board, When (strange to tell!) this hare-brain’d Lord On horseback swam to the ship’s side, And there to see the Queen apply’d. His case she reads; her royal breast Is mov’d to grant him his request. His pardon thankfully he takes, And, swimming still, to land he makes: But on his riding up the beach, He an old woman met, a witch: “This horse, which now your life doth save, Says she, “will bring you to the grave.” “You’ll prove a liar,” says my lord, “You ugly hag!” and with his sword (Acting a most ungrateful part) His panting steed stabb’d to the heart. It happen’d, after many a day, That with some friends he stroll’d that way, And this strange story, as they walk, Became the subject of their talk: When, “There the carcase lies,” he cry’d, “Upon the beach by the sea side.” As ’twas not far, he led them to’t, And kick’d the skull up with his foot, When a sharp bone pierc’d through his shoe, And wounded grievously his toe, Which mortify’d; so he was kill’d, And the hag’s prophecy fulfill’d. See there his cross-legg’d figure laid, And near his feet the horse’s head! The tomb[350] is of too old a fashion To tally well with this narration; But of the truth we would not doubt, Nor put our _Cicerone_ out: It gives a moral hint at least, That gratitude’s due to a beast. So far it’s good, whoever made it, And that it may not fail of credit, A horsehead vane adorns the steeple, And it’s _Horse-church_ call’d by the people. Our shirts dry’d at _The George_ we get, We dine there, and till four we sit; And now in earnest think of home; So to _Sheerness_ again we come, Where for a bum-boat we agree, And about five put off to sea. We presently were under sail, The tide our friend, south-east the gale, Quite wind enough, and some to spare, But we to that accustom’d were. When we had now got past _The Nore_, And lost the sight of _Shepey’s_ shore, The ebbing tide of _Thames_ we met, The wind against it fiercely set; This made a short and tumbling sea, And finely toss’d indeed were we. The porpoises in stormy weather Are often seen in shoals together About us while they roll and play, One in his gambols miss’d his way, And threw himself so far on shore, We thought he would get off no more; But with great straggling, and some pain, He did, and went to play again. On this we moralising say, “How thoughtless is the love of play!” When we ourselves with sorrow find Our pleasures too with pain conjoin’d. For troubles crowd upon us thick; Our hero, _Scott_, grows very sick; Poor _Hogarth_ makes wry faces too (Worse faces than he ever drew). You’ll guess what were the consequences, Not overpleasing to our senses; And this misfortune was augmented By Master _Tothall’s_ being acquainted With the commander of a sloop, At _Holy Haven_ near _The Hope_. “There’s Captain _Robinson_,” says he, “A friend, whom I must call and see.” Up the ship’s side he nimbly goes, While we lie overwhelm’d with woes, Sick, and of winds and waves the sport, But then he made his visit short, And when a sup of punch he’d got, Some lighted match to us he brought A sovereign cordial this, no doubt, To men whose pipes had long been out. By seven o’clock our sick recover, And all are glad this trouble’s over. Now jovially we sail along, Our cockswain giving song for song. But soon our notes are chang’d; we found Our boat was on _Bly-sand_ aground, Just in the middle of the river; Here _Tothall_ shew’d himself quite clever: And, knowing we must else abide Till lifted by the flowing tide, Work’d without skippers, till the boat Was once more happily afloat. We all applaud his care and skill, So do the boatmen his good-will. Ere long the tide made upward, so With that before the wind we go, And, disembarking about ten, Our _Gravesend_ quarters reach again. Here Madam, smiling, comes to tell How glad she is to see us well: This kind reception we commended; And now thought all our troubles ended; But, when for what we want we call, Something unlucky did befall. When we our travels first began _Scott_ (who’s a very prudent man) Thought a great coat could do no harm, And in the boat might keep him warm; So far perhaps you think him right, As we took water in the night: But when from hence we took our way On foot, the latter end of _May_, He, quite as reasonably, thought ’Twould be too heavy or too hot; “I’ll leave it here,” says he, “and take It with me at our coming back.” And he most certainly design’d it, But now the thing was, how to find it? We told him he had been mistaken, And did without his hostess reckon. To him it was no jest; he swore, “He left it there three days before.” “This Mrs. _Bramble_ can’t deny.” “Sir, we shall find it by and by:” So out she goes, and rends her throat With “_Moll_, go find the gem’man’s coat.” The house _Moll_ searches round and round. At last, with much ado, ’twas found-- ’Twas found, that, to the owner’s cost, Or _Scott’s_, the borrow’d coat was lost. “Coat lost!” says he, stamping and staring. Then stood like dumb, then fell to swearing: He curs’d the ill-concluding ramble, He curs’d _Gravesend_ and mother _Bramble_. But, while his rage he thus express’d, And we his anger made our jest, Till wrath had almost got the upper- -hand of his reason, in came supper: To this at once his stomach turn’d, No longer it with fury burn’d, But hunger took the place of rage, And a good meal did both assuage. He eat and drank, he drank and eat, The wine commended, and the meat; So we did all, and sat so late, That _Wednesday_ morn we lay till eight. Tobacco then, and wine provide, Enough to serve us for this tide. Get breakfast, and our reckoning pay, And next prepare for _London_ hey; So, hiring to ourselves a wherry, We put off, all alive and merry. The tide was strong, fair was the wind, _Gravesend_ is soon left far behind, Under the tilt on straw we lay, Observing what a charming day, There stretch’d at ease we smoke and drink, _Londoners_ like, and now we think Our cross adventures all are past, And that at _Gravesend_ was the last: But cruel Fate to that says no; One yet shall Fortune find his foe. While we (with various prospects cloy’d) In clouds of smoke ourselves enjoy’d, More diligent and curious, _Scott_ Into the forecastle had got, And took his papers out, to draw Some ships which right ahead he saw. There sat he, on his work intent, When, to increase our merriment, So luckily we shipp’d a sea, That he got sous’d, and only he. This bringing to his mind a thought How much he wanted his great coat, Renew’d his anger and his grief; He curs’d _Gravesend_, the coat, and thief; And, still to heighten his regret, His shirt was in his breeches wet: He draws it out, and lets it fly, Like a _French_ ensign, till ’tis dry, Then, creeping into shelter safe, Joins with the company and laugh. Nothing more happen’d worthy note: At _Billingsgate_ we change our boat, And in another through bridge get, By two, to Stairs of _Somerset_, Welcome each other to the shore, To _Covent Garden_ walk once more, And, as from _Bedford Arms_ we started, There wet our whistles ere we parted. With pleasure I observe, none idle Were in our travels, or employ’d ill. _Tothall_, our treasurer, was just, And worthily discharg’d his trust; (We all sign’d his accounts as fair;) _Sam Scott_ and _Hogarth_, for their share, The prospects of the sea and land did; As _Thornhill_ of our tour the plan did; And _Forrest_ wrote this true relation Of our five days peregrination. This to attest, our names we’ve wrote all, Viz. _Thornhill_, _Hogarth_, _Scott_, and _Tothall_.