Chapter 40

_Marrying for Love; for Money; for a Home; for a Housekeeper--Concluding Remarks._

Marrying for Love.

In spite of all that the cynics and pessimists may say, Love should be the Lord of Marriage.

"How sweet the mutual yoke of Man and Wife When holy fires maintain Love's heavenly life!"

True happiness cannot exist without it, however great the wealth or exalted the position of the married pair may be, while the worst evils of life are lightened and made bearable by its presence. Marrying for love need not mean improvidence. Only an unreasoning passion based on selfishness will plunge the beloved into privation and want. The highest, truest love has its substratum of common sense, self-restraint, and thought for others.

It is very hard to draw the line, for vices and virtues tread somewhat closely on each other's heels. The division between prudence and cowardice is often ill-defined. The love that rushes into poverty that it is not strong enough to endure, has in it an element of the selfishness that makes another sit still in comfort while the path is being made smooth for her soft tread.

There are those who laugh at love, and say that mutual respect and sufficient means are the only two reliable things with which to enter upon matrimony. Both these excellent possessions may, however, be quite compatible with love, in fact the former is bound to be included in the softer passion or it will not wear very well. No one will deny that a marriage founded on mere mutual respect may one day be {118} crowned by true and lasting love; nor yet that pre-matrimonial love may die a speedy or even violent death soon after the lovers are united; but these possibilities do not alter the fact that taking things all round, Love is the best and most precious asset with which to begin married life.

Marrying for Money.

There are many marriages that are casually put under this heading which do not deserve to be. A man's position may be such that it will mean ruin to him if he adds to his expenses by taking a wife without a penny. He honourably refrains from making any advances to girls who are so situated; but that does not prevent his becoming really attached to one whose income will make married life possible for him. The possession of money does not make a woman unlovable for herself, though it may give her an unenviable experience at the hands of the fortune hunter.

The cold, calculating nature that deliberately plans a mercenary marriage is probably satisfied for the time being by the acquisition of the coveted wealth. Little pity will be given when the long-starved human element of the man or woman begins to cry out for something more than money can buy.

There are excuses for some mercenary alliances. The sorely-tried daughter of impecunious parents, whose youth has been clouded by grey, grinding poverty, and who sees the prospects of her brothers and sisters blighted by lack of means to start them in life, is to be pardoned, if not commended, when she marries for money, but she should not deceive the man who gives it to her if she does not love him.

The man with talents and high ambitions may easily be tempted to take the wife whose money will open a field for the realisation of his hopes. He would be more of a man if he fought his way through alone. The curse of it all is that no one marrying for money dares say so. It would be brutal, no doubt; and unless there were some fair equivalent to offer in exchange, probably few such marriages would take place. When the cloak of simulated love is thrown over the real motive, often only to be cast aside as soon as the prize is secured, it is hard not to feel contempt and indignation.

{119} Marriage _with_ money is a necessity; marriage _for_ money is a mere business affair, a travesty of the sacred institution.

"He that marries for money sells his liberty." It is humiliating enough for a woman, but immeasurably mean in a man.

Marrying for a Home.

The woman with strong domestic instincts, who dreads to face life alone, or has grown weary in the attempt to wage the fight single-handed, often yields to the temptation of marrying one who can give her a home, with only a secondary regard for the man himself. If she duly counts the cost and does not ask too much, the plan may succeed very well; but the entirely domestic woman does not hold the highest place in a man's mind. He may fully value the creature comforts she ensures for him, but she so soon becomes a drudge, and so soon loses touch with the higher side of his nature that he will probably seek sympathy elsewhere, and salve his conscience with the thought that he has given her what she really wanted most.

She must never forget that she has to reckon with the man who has provided her with a home; and she will probably have to repay him in whatever coin he may choose.

Marrying for a Housekeeper.

The man who must keep a home together and maintain appearances grows tired of wrestling with domestic problems, and either dreads the sudden departure of his cook-housekeeper or trembles under her tyrannical sway. He finally takes a lady who cannot give him a month's notice, nor leave his roof by stealth without unpleasant consequences to herself. When he thus primarily marries for a housekeeper who will promote his own comfort, he should be satisfied if she shows the needful domestic efficiency. He sometimes finds that the one who was intended to be little more than a dependant turns out to be his mistress. There are plenty of level-headed women who have done with romance, and who are perfectly willing to take up the position of wife to a man who honestly states that he requires a companion to {120} help his digestion by conversing at meals, to manage his house, entertain his guests, and darn his socks. When such a couple meet together let them show mutual respect for each other's motives, and invest the arrangement with comfort and dignity in the absence of tenderer emotions.

Concluding Remarks.

However short a marriage may fall of the high ideal standpoint, there should never be recrimination in public between man and wife, nor the utterance of taunts as to the avarice, expediency, or cowardice that may have influenced either side in the presence of a third person. Few attain to the highest happiness of which we are capable in this state: few, perhaps, make the most of what they have; yet it is very rare to find a married woman who honestly wishes herself single, and that is a powerful argument in favour of an institution which seems to give the weaker sex her full share of the burden. There is much soul-disquieting discussion nowadays on the relative positions of the sexes. The following lines express that which surely might make marriage a very heaven on earth:--

"This is Woman's need; To be a beacon when the air is dense, A bower of peace, a lifelong recompense-- This is the sum of Woman's worldly creed.

And what is Man the while? And what his will? And what the furtherance of his worldly hope? To turn to Faith, to turn, as to a rope A drowning sailor; all his blood to spill For One he loves, to keep her out of ill-- This is the will of Man, and this his scope."

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INDEX

Courtship and Marriage, Etiquette of-- Acting as a host during, 28 Amateur acting and, 17 Artistic fellowship in, 16 Athletic comradeship in, 16 Best age for, 41 Between friends who have become lovers, 34 Breaches of etiquette in, 19, 25 Danger to be avoided in, a, 27 Dark side of an unequally aged, 43 Drifting in, 42 Etiquette for the man who lives at home in, 27 Etiquette for the man who lives in rooms, 28 Exchange of hospitality in, 26 Hints to the man about the girl's family, 23 Hints to the man making up his mind about, 17 "Ineligibles" and, 17 Intellectual affinity in, 16 Kindly offices of relations and friends, 23 Love at first sight, 22 Middle-aged lovers, 44 Old men who court youth, 43 Opportunities for, 16 Question of age in, the, 41 Question of presents, the, 26 Social inequality in, 32 Social intercourse and its etiquette, 18 Tact shown in, 19 The girl's case, 22 The man's case, 22 With the bachelor girl, 30 With the business girl, 31 With the dramatic student, 33 With the home girl, 30 With the medical student and hospital nurse, 33 With the student or professional girl, 32 Young lovers, 42 Young men who woo maturity, 42

Engagements-- Attitude of parents and guardians in, 52 Breaking off, 62 Clandestine, 62 Congratulations on, 53 Etiquette of in former days, 51 Friends who act as go-betweens, 63 Going about together, 58 His visits to her home, 56 In France, 66 In Germany, 66 In Greece, 69 In Hungary, 69 In Italy, 65 In Norway, 69 In Russia, 67 In Spain, 67 In Sweden, 68 In Switzerland, 68 Justifiable clandestine, 63 Length of, the, 61 Letters from and to future mothers-in-law, 55 Love-letters, 60 Making acquaintance with future relations, 54 Making them known, 53 Parent's refusal to, 52 Question of expenses in, 58 Telling friends at a distance, 53 The engaged couple-- In public, 56 In society, 57 Visiting at the same house, 58 The interview with the father, 51 The ring, 54 What the girl should avoid in, 54 When the mother shares the secret, 63

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Etiquette-- How to follow up an acquaintance, 23 Of intercourse between unconfessed lovers, 25 Of Introductions, 21

Flirts-- Female-- Due reserve of, 39 How they accept a changed situation, 39 How they may give encouragement, 39 How to ward off unwelcome offers, 40 Methods of, 37 Transparent devices of, 40 Kindly spontaneous flirts, 37 Male-- Making a girl conspicuous, 36 Slow awakening of, 39 Two classes of, 36 Ways of escape for, 38 Who change their minds on the verge of a proposal, 38 To withdraw gracefully from a flirtation, 38

Honeymoon, the-- Disillusion, passing or permanent, 96 How long to stay on, 94 Inevitable test of temperament, 95 Possible disappointments in, 95

House, the-- Bride's share in the matter, 80 Furnishing, 79 Selection of, 79 Things to be considered, 80

Marriage-- Bride's burdens, the, 72 Bridesmaids' dresses, 73 Choice of bridesmaids, the, 72 Concluding remarks about, 120 Different nationalities, between, 103 Expenses of, 73 Fixing the day, 71 Invitations to the, 75 Mixed, 102 Necessary formalities in mixed, 104 Of British subjects living abroad, 105 Of different religious persuasions, 105

Marriages-- Of minors and wards in Chancery, 106 Proposals-- A woman's point of view, 48 A warning to women, 50 Methods of, 46 Some things to avoid in, 47 Tact in choosing the opportunity for, 46 Too keen a sense of humour in, 47 Too much haste in, 47 Vaguely worded offers, 48 When a woman may help, 49 When the woman may take the initiative, 49 Question of colour, the, 102 Scotch, 106 Trousseau, the, 74 Wedding frocks, 73

Marrying-- For a home, 119 For a housekeeper, 119 For love, 117 For money, 118

Newly married couple, the-- At home, 100 In society, 101

Return home, the-- Housekeeping, on, 98 Money matters, on, 99 Plunge into the practical, on, 98 Wedding calls, 100 What it means, 97

Runaway matches, 113

Second marriages-- Children, the, 114 Comparison with the predecessor, 116 Dress for a widow, 115 For and against, 114 Home, the, 115 Widower, the, 115 With a widow, 114

Wedding, the-- Banns, 81 Bride's dowry, the, 85 Civil contract, the, 83 Licence for, 82 Nature of the ceremony, the, 81 Religious ceremony, the, 81 Settlements, 84 Witnesses for, 83

Wedding day, the-- Arrangement of seats on, 90 At the bride's house, 89 Best man, the, 88 Bride's parents, the, 88 Bridegroom, the, 88 {123} Bridesmaids, the, 87 Dressing the bride, 89 Etiquette of, 86 Guests, the, 92 Journey, the, 94 Luggage on, 94 Presents on view, 93 Social side, the, 90 Some items of expense, 91 Starting for the honeymoon, 93 Tying of the knot, the, 90 What is expected of the bride, 87 Where to go for the honeymoon, 94

Wedding presents-- Art of giving, the, 78 How to send them, 78 Temptation, a, 78 What to give, 77

Weddings, Continental-- Breton, 109 Danish, 112 French, 112 German, 107 Hungarian, 111 Italian, 109 Norwegian, 108 Russian, 109 Spanish, 111 Swedish, 110 Swiss, 111

THE END