Chapter 414

"I done everything I could the whole month to think up some way to save Uncle Silas, but I couldn't strike a thing. So when we come into court to-day I come empty, and couldn't see no chance anywheres. But by and by I had a glimpse of something that set me thinking--just a little wee glimpse--only that, and not enough to make sure; but it set me thinking hard--and WATCHING, when I was only letting on to think; and by and by, sure enough, when Uncle Silas was piling out that stuff about HIM killing Jubiter Dunlap, I catched that glimpse again, and this time I jumped up and shut down the proceedings, because I KNOWED Jubiter Dunlap was a-setting here before me. I knowed him by a thing which I seen him do--and I remembered it. I'd seen him do it when I was here a year ago."

He stopped then, and studied a minute--laying for an "effect"--I knowed it perfectly well. Then he turned off like he was going to leave the platform, and says, kind of lazy and indifferent:

"Well, I believe that is all."

Why, you never heard such a howl!--and it come from the whole house:

"What WAS it you seen him do? Stay where you are, you little devil! You think you are going to work a body up till his mouth's a-watering and stop there? What WAS it he done?"

That was it, you see--he just done it to get an "effect"; you couldn't 'a' pulled him off of that platform with a yoke of oxen.

"Oh, it wasn't anything much," he says. "I seen him looking a little excited when he found Uncle Silas was actuly fixing to hang himself for a murder that warn't ever done; and he got more and more nervous and worried, I a-watching him sharp but not seeming to look at him--and all of a sudden his hands begun to work and fidget, and pretty soon his left crept up and HIS FINGER DRAWED A CROSS ON HIS CHEEK, and then I HAD him!"

Well, then they ripped and howled and stomped and clapped their hands till Tom Sawyer was that proud and happy he didn't know what to do with himself.

And then the judge he looked down over his pulpit and says:

"My boy, did you SEE all the various details of this strange conspiracy and tragedy that you've been describing?"

"No, your honor, I didn't see any of them."

"Didn't see any of them! Why, you've told the whole history straight through, just the same as if you'd seen it with your eyes. How did you manage that?"

Tom says, kind of easy and comfortable:

"Oh, just noticing the evidence and piecing this and that together, your honor; just an ordinary little bit of detective work; anybody could 'a' done it."

"Nothing of the kind! Not two in a million could 'a' done it. You are a very remarkable boy."

Then they let go and give Tom another smashing round, and he--well, he wouldn't 'a' sold out for a silver mine. Then the judge says:

"But are you certain you've got this curious history straight?"

"Perfectly, your honor. Here is Brace Dunlap--let him deny his share of it if he wants to take the chance; I'll engage to make him wish he hadn't said anything...... Well, you see HE'S pretty quiet. And his brother's pretty quiet, and them four witnesses that lied so and got paid for it, they're pretty quiet. And as for Uncle Silas, it ain't any use for him to put in his oar, I wouldn't believe him under oath!"

Well, sir, that fairly made them shout; and even the judge he let go and laughed. Tom he was just feeling like a rainbow. When they was done laughing he looks up at the judge and says:

"Your honor, there's a thief in this house."

"A thief?"

"Yes, sir. And he's got them twelve-thousand-dollar di'monds on him."

By gracious, but it made a stir! Everybody went shouting:

"Which is him? which is him? p'int him out!"

And the judge says:

"Point him out, my lad. Sheriff, you will arrest him. Which one is it?"

Tom says:

"This late dead man here--Jubiter Dunlap."

Then there was another thundering let-go of astonishment and excitement; but Jubiter, which was astonished enough before, was just fairly putrified with astonishment this time. And he spoke up, about half crying, and says:

"Now THAT'S a lie. Your honor, it ain't fair; I'm plenty bad enough without that. I done the other things--Brace he put me up to it, and persuaded me, and promised he'd make me rich, some day, and I done it, and I'm sorry I done it, and I wisht I hadn't; but I hain't stole no di'monds, and I hain't GOT no di'monds; I wisht I may never stir if it ain't so. The sheriff can search me and see."

Tom says:

"Your honor, it wasn't right to call him a thief, and I'll let up on that a little. He did steal the di'monds, but he didn't know it. He stole them from his brother Jake when he was laying dead, after Jake had stole them from the other thieves; but Jubiter didn't know he was stealing them; and he's been swelling around here with them a month; yes, sir, twelve thousand dollars' worth of di'monds on him--all that riches, and going around here every day just like a poor man. Yes, your honor, he's got them on him now."

The judge spoke up and says:

"Search him, sheriff."

Well, sir, the sheriff he ransacked him high and low, and everywhere: searched his hat, socks, seams, boots, everything--and Tom he stood there quiet, laying for another of them effects of hisn. Finally the sheriff he give it up, and everybody looked disappointed, and Jubiter says:

"There, now! what'd I tell you?"

And the judge says:

"It appears you were mistaken this time, my boy."

Then Tom took an attitude and let on to be studying with all his might, and scratching his head. Then all of a sudden he glanced up chipper, and says:

"Oh, now I've got it! I'd forgot."

Which was a lie, and I knowed it. Then he says:

"Will somebody be good enough to lend me a little small screwdriver? There was one in your brother's hand-bag that you smouched, Jubiter. but I reckon you didn't fetch it with you."

"No, I didn't. I didn't want it, and I give it away."

"That's because you didn't know what it was for."

Jubiter had his boots on again, by now, and when the thing Tom wanted was passed over the people's heads till it got to him, he says to Jubiter:

"Put up your foot on this chair." And he kneeled down and begun to unscrew the heel-plate, everybody watching; and when he got that big di'mond out of that boot-heel and held it up and let it flash and blaze and squirt sunlight everwhichaway, it just took everybody's breath; and Jubiter he looked so sick and sorry you never see the like of it. And when Tom held up the other di'mond he looked sorrier than ever. Land! he was thinking how he would 'a' skipped out and been rich and independent in a foreign land if he'd only had the luck to guess what the screwdriver was in the carpet-bag for.

Well, it was a most exciting time, take it all around, and Tom got cords of glory. The judge took the di'monds, and stood up in his pulpit, and cleared his throat, and shoved his spectacles back on his head, and says:

"I'll keep them and notify the owners; and when they send for them it will be a real pleasure to me to hand you the two thousand dollars, for you've earned the money--yes, and you've earned the deepest and most sincerest thanks of this community besides, for lifting a wronged and innocent family out of ruin and shame, and saving a good and honorable man from a felon's death, and for exposing to infamy and the punishment of the law a cruel and odious scoundrel and his miserable creatures!"

Well, sir, if there'd been a brass band to bust out some music, then, it would 'a' been just the perfectest thing I ever see, and Tom Sawyer he said the same.

Then the sheriff he nabbed Brace Dunlap and his crowd, and by and by next month the judge had them up for trial and jailed the whole lot. And everybody crowded back to Uncle Silas's little old church, and was ever so loving and kind to him and the family and couldn't do enough for them; and Uncle Silas he preached them the blamedest jumbledest idiotic sermons you ever struck, and would tangle you up so you couldn't find your way home in daylight; but the people never let on but what they thought it was the clearest and brightest and elegantest sermons that ever was; and they would set there and cry, for love and pity; but, by George, they give me the jim-jams and the fan-tods and caked up what brains I had, and turned them solid; but by and by they loved the old man's intellects back into him again, and he was as sound in his skull as ever he was, which ain't no flattery, I reckon. And so the whole family was as happy as birds, and nobody could be gratefuler and lovinger than what they was to Tom Sawyer; and the same to me, though I hadn't done nothing. And when the two thousand dollars come, Tom give half of it to me, and never told anybody so, which didn't surprise me, because I knowed him.

FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR A JOURNEY AROUND THE WORLD BY MARK TWAIN SAMUEL L. CLEMENS HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT

THIS BOOK Is affectionately inscribed to MY YOUNG FRIEND HARRY ROGERS WITH RECOGNITION OF WHAT HE IS, AND APPREHENSION OF WHAT HE MAY BECOME UNLESS HE FORM HIMSELF A LITTLE MORE CLOSELY UPON THE MODEL OF THE AUTHOR.

THE PUDD'NHEAD MAXIMS. THESE WISDOMS ARE FOR THE LURING OF YOUTH TOWARD HIGH MORAL ALTITUDES. THE AUTHOR DID NOT GATHER THEM FROM PRACTICE, BUT FROM OBSERVATION. TO BE GOOD IS NOBLE; BUT TO SHOW OTHERS HOW TO BE GOOD IS NOBLER AND NO TROUBLE.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER I. The Party--Across America to Vancouver--On Board the Warrimo--Steamer Chairs-The Captain-Going Home under a Cloud--A Gritty Purser--The Brightest Passenger--Remedy for Bad Habits--The Doctor and the Lumbago --A Moral Pauper--Limited Smoking--Remittance-men.

CHAPTER II. Change of Costume--Fish, Snake, and Boomerang Stories--Tests of Memory --A Brahmin Expert--General Grant's Memory--A Delicately Improper Tale

CHAPTER III. Honolulu--Reminiscences of the Sandwich Islands--King Liholiho and His Royal Equipment--The Tabu--The Population of the Island--A Kanaka Diver --Cholera at Honolulu--Honolulu; Past and Present--The Leper Colony

CHAPTER IV. Leaving Honolulu--Flying-fish--Approaching the Equator--Why the Ship Went Slow--The Front Yard of the Ship--Crossing the Equator--Horse Billiards or Shovel Board--The Waterbury Watch--Washing Decks--Ship Painters--The Great Meridian--The Loss of a Day--A Babe without a Birthday

CHAPTER V. A lesson in Pronunciation--Reverence for Robert Burns--The Southern Cross--Troublesome Constellations--Victoria for a Name--Islands on the Map--Alofa and Fortuna--Recruiting for the Queensland Plantations --Captain Warren's NoteBook--Recruiting not thoroughly Popular

CHAPTER VI. Missionaries Obstruct Business--The Sugar Planter and the Kanaka--The Planter's View--Civilizing the Kanaka The Missionary's View--The Result --Repentant Kanakas--Wrinkles--The Death Rate in Queensland

CHAPTER VII. The Fiji Islands--Suva--The Ship from Duluth--Going Ashore--Midwinter in Fiji--Seeing the Governor--Why Fiji was Ceded to England--Old time Fijians--Convicts among the Fijians--A Case Where Marriage was a Failure Immortality with Limitations

CHAPTER VIII. A Wilderness of Islands--Two Men without a Country--A Naturalist from New Zealand--The Fauna of Australasia--Animals, Insects, and Birds--The Ornithorhynchus--Poetry and Plagiarism

CHAPTER IX.

Close to Australia--Porpoises at Night--Entrance to Sydney Harbor--The Loss of the Duncan Dunbar--The Harbor--The City of Sydney--Spring-time in Australia--The Climate--Information for Travelers--The Size of Australia --A Dust-Storm and Hot Wind

CHAPTER X. The Discovery of Australia--Transportation of Convicts--Discipline --English Laws, Ancient and Modern--Flogging Prisoners to Death--Arrival of Settlers--New South Wales Corps--Rum Currency--Intemperance Everywhere $100,000 for One Gallon of Rum--Development of the Country--Immense Resources

CHAPTER XI. Hospitality of English-speaking People--Writers and their Gratitude--Mr. Gane and the Panegyrics--Population of Sydney An English City with American Trimming--"Squatters"--Palaces and Sheep Kingdoms--Wool and Mutton--Australians and Americans--Costermonger Pronunciation--England is "Home"--Table Talk--English and Colonial Audiences 124

CHAPTER XII. Mr. X., a Missionary--Why Christianity Makes Slow Progress in India--A Large Dream--Hindoo Miracles and Legends--Sampson and Hanuman--The Sandstone Ridge--Where are the Gates?

CHAPTER XIII. Public Works in Australasia--Botanical Garden of Sydney--Four Special Socialties--The Government House--A Governor and His Functions--The Admiralty House--The Tour of the Harbor--Shark Fishing--Cecil Rhodes' Shark and his First Fortune--Free Board for Sharks.

CHAPTER XIV. Bad Health--To Melbourne by Rail--Maps Defective--The Colony of Victoria --A Round-trip Ticket from Sydney--Change Cars, from Wide to Narrow Gauge, a Peculiarity at Albury--Customs-fences--"My Word"--The Blue Mountains--Rabbit Piles--Government R. R. Restaurants--Duchesses for Waiters--"Sheep-dip"--Railroad Coffee--Things Seen and Not Seen

CHAPTER XV. Wagga-Wagga--The Tichborne Claimant--A Stock Mystery--The Plan of the Romance--The Realization--The Henry Bascom Mystery--Bascom Hall--The Author's Death and Funeral

CHAPTER XVI. Melbourne and its Attractions--The Melbourne Cup Races--Cup Day--Great Crowds--Clothes Regardless of Cost--The Australian Larrikin--Is He Dead? Australian Hospitality--Melbourne Wool-brokers--The Museums--The Palaces --The Origin of Melbourne

CHAPTER XVII. The British Empire--Its Exports and Imports--The Trade of Australia--To Adelaide--Broken Hill Silver Mine--A Roundabout road--The Scrub and its Possibilities for the Novelist--The Aboriginal Tracker--A Test Case--How Does One Cow-Track Differ from Another?

CHAPTER XVIII. Gum Trees--Unsociable Trees--Gorse and Broom--A universal Defect--An Adventurer--Wanted L200, got L20,000,000--A Vast Land Scheme--The Smash-up--The Corpse Got Up and Danced--A Unique Business by One Man --Buying the Kangaroo Skin--The Approach to Adelaide--Everything Comes to Him who Waits--A Healthy Religious sphere--What is the Matter with the Specter?

CHAPTER XIX.

The Botanical Gardens--Contributions from all Countries--The Zoological Gardens of Adelaide--The Laughing Jackass--The Dingo--A Misnamed Province--Telegraphing from Melbourne to San Francisco--A Mania for Holidays--The Temperature--The Death Rate--Celebration of the Reading of the Proclamation of 1836--Some old Settlers at the Commemoration--Their Staying Powers--The Intelligence of the Aboriginal --The Antiquity of the Boomerang

CHAPTER XX. A Caller--A Talk about Old Times--The Fox Hunt--An Accurate Judgment of an Idiot--How We Passed the Custom Officers in Italy

CHAPTER XXI. The "Weet-Weet"--Keeping down the Population--Victoria--Killing the Aboriginals--Pioneer Days in Queensland--Material for a Drama--The Bush --Pudding with Arsenic Revenge--A Right Spirit but a Wrong Method--Death of Donga Billy

CHAPTER XXII. Continued Description of Aboriginals--Manly Qualities--Dodging Balls --Feats of Spring--Jumping--Where the Kangaroo Learned its Art 'Well Digging--Endurance--Surgery--Artistic Abilities--Fennimore Cooper's Last Chance--Australian Slang

CHAPTER XXIII. To Horsham (Colony of Victoria)--Description of Horsham--At the Hotel --Pepper Tree-The Agricultural College, Forty Pupils--High Temperature --Width of Road in Chains, Perches, etc.--The Bird with a Forgettable Name--The Magpie and the Lady--Fruit Trees--Soils--Sheep Shearing--To Stawell --Gold Mining Country--$75,000 per Month Income and able to Keep House --Fine Grapes and Wine--The Dryest Community on Earth--The Three Sisters --Gum Trees and Water

CHAPTER XXIV.

Road to Ballarat--The City--Great Gold Strike, 1851--Rush for Australia --"Great Nuggets"--Taxation--Revolt and Victory--Peter Lalor and the Eureka Stockade--"Pencil Mark"--Fine Statuary at Ballarat--Population --Ballarat English

CHAPTER XXV. Bound for Bendigo--The Priest at Castlemaine--Time Saved by Walking --Description of Bendigo--A Valuable Nugget--Perseverence and Success --Mr. Blank and His Influence--Conveyance of an Idea--I Had to Like the Irishman--Corrigan Castle, and the Mark Twain Club--My Bascom Mystery Solved

CHAPTER XXVI. Where New Zealand Is--But Few Know--Things People Think They Know--The Yale Professor and His Visitor from N. Z.

CHAPTER XXVII. The South Pole Swell--Tasmania--Extermination of the Natives--The Picture Proclamation--The Conciliator--The Formidable Sixteen

CHAPTER XXVIII. When the Moment Comes the Man Appears--Why Ed. Jackson called on Commodore Vanderbilt--Their Interview--Welcome to the Child of His Friend --A Big Time but under Inspection--Sent on Important Business--A Visit to the Boys on the Boat

CHAPTER XXIX: Tasmania, Early Days--Description of the Town of Hobart--An Englishman's Love of Home Surroundings--Neatest City on Earth--The Museum--A Parrot with an Acquired Taste--Glass Arrow Beads--Refuge for the Indigent too healthy

CHAPTER XXX. Arrival at Bluff, N. Z.--Where the Rabbit Plague Began--The Natural Enemy of the Rabbit--Dunedin--A Lovely Town--Visit to Dr. Hockin--His Museum --A Liquified Caterpillar--The Unperfected Tape Worm--The Public Museum and Picture

CHAPTER XXXI. The Express Train--"A Hell of a Hotel at Maryborough" --Clocks and Bells--Railroad Service.

CHAPTER XXXII. Description of the Town of Christ Church--A Fine Museum--Jade-stone Trinkets--The Great Man--The First Maori in New Zealand--Women Voters --"Person" in New Zealand Law Includes Woman--Taming an Ornithorhynchus --A Voyage in the 'Flora' from Lyttelton--Cattle Stalls for Everybody --A Wonderful Time.

CHAPTER XXXIII. The Town of Nelson--"The Mongatapu Murders," the Great Event of the Town --Burgess' Confession--Summit of Mount Eden--Rotorua and the Hot Lakes and Geysers--Thermal Springs District--Kauri Gum--Tangariwa Mountains

CHAPTER XXXIV. The Bay of Gisborne--Taking in Passengers by the Yard Arm--The Green Ballarat Fly--False Teeth--From Napier to Hastings by the Ballarat Fly Train--Kauri Trees--A Case of Mental Telegraphy

CHAPTER XXXV. Fifty Miles in Four Hours--Comfortable Cars--Town of Wauganui--Plenty of Maoris--On the Increase--Compliments to the Maoris--The Missionary Ways all Wrong--The Tabu among the Maoris--A Mysterious Sign--Curious War-monuments--Wellington

CHAPTER XXXVI. The Poems of Mrs. Moore--The Sad Fate of William Upson--A Fellow Traveler Imitating the Prince of Wales--A Would-be Dude--Arrival at Sydney --Curious Town Names with Poem

CHAPTER XXXVII. From Sydney for Ceylon--A Lascar Crew--A Fine Ship--Three Cats and a Basket of Kittens--Dinner Conversations--Veuve Cliquot Wine--At Anchor in King George's Sound Albany Harbor--More Cats--A Vulture on Board--Nearing the Equator again--Dressing for Dinner--Ceylon, Hotel Bristol--Servant Brampy--A Feminine Man--Japanese Jinriksha or Cart--Scenes in Ceylon--A Missionary School--Insincerity of Clothes

CHAPTER XXXVIII. Steamer Rosettes to Bombay--Limes 14 cents a Barrel--Bombay, a Bewitching City--Descriptions of People and Dress--Woman as a Road Decoration --India, the Land of Dreams and Romance--Fourteen Porters to Carry Baggage --Correcting a Servant--Killing a Slave--Arranging a Bedroom--Three Hours' Work and a Terrible Racket--The Bird of Birds, the Indian Crow

CHAPTER XXXIX. God Vishnu, 108 Names--Change of Titles or Hunting for an Heir--Bombay as a Kaleidoscope--The Native's Man Servant--Servants' Recommendations--How Manuel got his Name and his English--Satan--A Visit from God

CHAPTER XL. The Government House at Malabar Point--Mansion of Kumar Shri Samatsin Hji Bahadur--The Indian Princess--A Difficult Game--Wardrobe and Jewels --Ceremonials--Decorations when Leaving--The Towers of Silence--A Funeral

CHAPTER XLI. Jain Temple--Mr. Roychand's Bungalow--A Decorated Six-Gun Prince--Human Fireworks--European Dress, Past and Present--Complexions--Advantages with the Zulu--Festivities at the Bungalow-Nautch Dancers--Entrance of the Prince--Address to the Prince

CHAPTER XLII. A Hindoo Betrothal, midnight, Sleepers on the ground, Home of the Bride of Twelve Years Dressed as a Boy--Illumination Nautch Girls--Imitating Snakes--Later--Illuminated Porch Filled with Sleepers--The Plague

CHAPTER XLIII Murder Trial in Bombay--Confidence Swindlers--Some Specialities of India --The Plague, Juggernaut, Suttee, etc.--Everything on Gigantic Scale --India First in Everything--80 States, more Custom Houses than Cats--Rich Ground for Thug Society

CHAPTER XLIV. Thug Book--Supplies for Traveling, Bedding, and other Freight--Scene at Railway Station--Making Way for White Man--Waiting Passengers, High and Low Caste, Touch in the cars--Our Car--Beds made up--Dreaming of Thugs --Baroda--Meet Friends--Indian Well--The Old Town--Narrow Streets--A Mad Elephant

CHAPTER XLV.

Elephant Riding--Howdahs--The New Palace--The Prince's Excursion--Gold and Silver Artillery--A Vice-royal Visit--Remarkable Dog--The Bench Show --Augustin Daly's Back Door--Fakeer

CHAPTER XLVI. The Thugs--Government Efforts to Exterminate them--Choking a Victim A Fakeer Spared--Thief Strangled

CHAPTER XLVII. Thugs, Continued--Record of Murders--A Joy of Hunting and Killing Men --Gordon Gumming--Killing an Elephant--Family Affection among Thugs --Burial Places

CHAPTER XLVIII. Starting for Allahabad--Lower Berths in Sleepers--Elderly Ladies have Preference of Berths--An American Lady Takes One Anyhow--How Smythe Lost his Berth--How He Got Even--The Suttee

CHAPTER XLIX. Pyjamas--Day Scene in India--Clothed in a Turban and a Pocket Handkerchief--Land Parceled Out--Established Village Servants--Witches in Families--Hereditary Midwifery--Destruction of Girl Babies--Wedding Display--Tiger-Persuader--Hailstorm Discourages--The Tyranny of the Sweeper--Elephant Driver--Water Carrier--Curious Rivers--Arrival at Allahabad--English Quarter--Lecture Hall Like a Snowstorm--Private Carriages--A Milliner--Early Morning--The Squatting Servant--A Religious Fair

CHAPTER L. On the Road to Benares--Dust and Waiting--The Bejeweled Crowd--A Native Prince and his Guard--Zenana Lady--The Extremes of Fashion--The Hotel at Benares--An Annex a Mile Away--Doors in India--The Peepul Tree--Warning against Cold Baths--A Strange Fruit--Description of Benares--The Beginning of Creation--Pilgrims to Benares--A Priest with a Good Business Stand--Protestant Missionary--The Trinity Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu --Religion the Business at Benares

CHAPTER LI. Benares a Religious Temple--A Guide for Pilgrims to Save Time in Securing Salvation

CHAPTER LII. A Curious Way to Secure Salvation--The Banks of the Ganges--Architecture Represents Piety--A Trip on the River--Bathers and their Costumes --Drinking the Water--A Scientific Test of the Nasty Purifier--Hindoo Faith in the Ganges--A Cremation--Remembrances of the Suttee--All Life Sacred Except Human Life--The Goddess Bhowanee, and the Sacrificers--Sacred Monkeys--Ugly Idols Everywhere--Two White Minarets--A Great View with a Monkey in it--A Picture on the Water

CHAPTER LIII. Still in Benares--Another Living God--Why Things are Wonderful--Sri 108 Utterly Perfect--How He Came so--Our Visit to Sri--A Friendly Deity Exchanging Autographs and Books--Sri's Pupil--An Interesting Man --Reverence and Irreverence--Dancing in a Sepulchre