Chapter 1

THE ENTIRE GUTENBERG TWAIN FILES

BY MARK TWAIN (SAMUEL CLEMENS)

PG EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a compilation of all the works of Mark Twain in the Project Gutenberg Mark Twain collection which now has over sixty files. These individual files have been prepared by many different Gutenberg volunteers over a period of many years. Any of the individual works may be found in much smaller size than this "entire" file at:

https://www.gutenberg.org/catalog/

As additional works of Mark Twain become available the present file will be updated to include them. The bibliography of Twain by Albert Bigelow Paine has been used in organizing the major works in this collection in the order of the date of their first publication; however many of the short stories, speeches and other shorter works are not in chronologic order as they were originally included as part of major works of much different publishing date. D.W.

CONTENTS OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG TWAIN COLLECTION

THE INNOCENTS ABROAD MARK TWAIN'S (BURLESQUE) AUTO-BIOGRAPHY FIRST ROMANCE. ROUGHING IT THE GILDED AGE (with Charles Dudley Warner) SKETCHES NEW AND OLD MY WATCH POLITICAL ECONOMY THE JUMPING FROG JOURNALISM IN TENNESSEE THE STORY OF THE BAD LITTLE BOY THE STORY OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY A COUPLE OF POEMS BY TWAIN AND MOORE NIAGARA ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS TO RAISE POULTRY EXPERIENCE OF THE MCWILLIAMSES WITH MEMBRANOUS CROUP MY FIRST LITERARY VENTURE HOW THE AUTHOR WAS SOLD IN NEWARK THE OFFICE BORE JOHNNY GREER THE FACTS IN THE CASE OF THE GREAT BEEF CONTRACT THE CASE OF GEORGE FISHER DISGRACEFUL PERSECUTION OF A BOY THE JUDGES "SPIRITED WOMAN" INFORMATION WANTED SOME LEARNED FABLES, FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS MY LATE SENATORIAL SECRETARYSHIP A FASHION ITEM RILEY-NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENT A FINE OLD MAN SCIENCE vs. LUCK THE LATE BENJAMIN FRANKLIN MR. BLOKE'S ITEM A MEDIEVAL ROMANCE PETITION CONCERNING COPYRIGHT AFTER-DINNER SPEECH LIONIZING MURDERERS A NEW CRIME A CURIOUS DREAM A TRUE STORY THE SIAMESE TWINS SPEECH AT THE SCOTTISH BANQUET IN LONDON A GHOST STORY THE CAPITOLINE VENUS SPEECH ON ACCIDENT INSURANCE JOHN CHINAMAN IN NEW YORK HOW I EDITED AN AGRICULTURAL PAPER THE PETRIFIED MAN MY BLOODY MASSACRE THE UNDERTAKER'S CHAT CONCERNING CHAMBERMAIDS AURELIA'S UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN "AFTER" JENKINS ABOUT BARBERS "PARTY CRIES" IN IRELAND THE FACTS CONCERNING THE RECANT RESIGNATION HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF HONORED AS A CURIOSITY FIRST INTERVIEW KITH ARTEMUS WARD CANNIBALISM IN THE CARS THE KILLING OF JULIUS CAESAR "LOCALIZED" THE WIDOW'S PROTEST THE SCRIPTURAL PANORAMIST CURING A COLD A CURIOUS PLEASURE EXCURSION RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR A MYSTERIOUS VISIT THE CURIOUS REPUBLIC OF GONDOUR AND OTHER WHIMSICAL SKETCHES THE CURIOUS REPUBLIC OF GONDOUR A MEMORY INTRODUCTORY TO "MEMORANDA". ABOUT SMELLS A COUPLE OF SAD EXPERIENCES DAN MURPHY THE "TOURNAMENT" IN A.D. 1870 CURIOUS RELIC FOR SALE A REMINISCENCE OF THE BACK SETTLEMENTS A ROYAL COMPLIMENT THE APPROACHING EPIDEMIC THE TONE-IMPARTING COMMITTEE OUR PRECIOUS LUNATIC THE EUROPEAN WAR THE WILD MAN INTERVIEWED LAST WORDS OF GREAT MEN 1601--CONVERSATION AT THE SOCIAL FIRESIDE OF THE TUDORS THE FACTS CONCERNING THE RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME IN CONNECTICUT THE ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER THE LOVES OF ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON AND OTHER STORIES THE LOVES OF ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON ON THE DECAY OF THE ART OF LYING ABOUT MAGNANIMOUS-INCIDENT LITERATURE THE GRATEFUL POODLE THE BENEVOLENT AUTHOR THE GRATEFUL HUSBAND PUNCH, BROTHERS, PUNCH THE GREAT REVOLUTION IN PITCAIRN THE CANVASSER'S TALE AN ENCOUNTER WITH AN INTERVIEWER PARIS NOTES LEGEND OF SAGENFELD, IN GERMANY SPEECH ON THE BABIES SPEECH ON THE WEATHER CONCERNING THE AMERICAN LANGUAGE ROGERS SOME RAMBLING NOTES OF AN IDLE EXCURSION THE STOLEN WHITE ELEPHANT A TRAMP ABROAD THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT THE AMERICAN CLAIMANT EXTRACTS FROM ADAM'S DIARY IN DEFENSE OF HARRIET SHELLEY FENNIMORE COOPER'S LITERARY OFFENCES ESSAYS ON PAUL BOURGET WHAT PAUL BOURGET THINKS OF US A LITTLE NOTE TO M. PAUL BOURGET TOM SAWYER ABROAD THE TRAGEDY OF PUDD'NHEAD WILSON THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS OF JOAN OF ARC TOM SAWYER, DETECTIVE FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR, A JOURNEY AROUND THE WORLD THE MAN THAT CORRUPTED HADLEYBURG AND OTHER STORIES THE MAN THAT CORRUPTED HADLEYBURG MY FIRST LIE, AND HOW I GOT OUT OF IT THE ESQUIMAUX MAIDEN'S ROMANCE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE AND THE BOOK OF MRS. EDDY IS HE LIVING OR IS HE DEAD? MY DEBUT AS A LITERARY PERSON AT THE APPETITE-CURE CONCERNING THE JEWS FROM THE 'LONDON TIMES' OF 1904 ABOUT PLAY-ACTING TRAVELLING WITH A REFORMER DIPLOMATIC PAY AND CLOTHES LUCK THE CAPTAIN'S STORY STIRRING TIMES IN AUSTRIA MEISTERSCHAFT MY BOYHOOD DREAMS TO THE ABOVE OLD PEOPLE IN MEMORIAM--OLIVIA SUSAN CLEMENS WHAT IS MAN AND OTHER ESSAYS WHAT IS MAN? THE DEATH OF JEAN THE TURNING-POINT OF MY LIFE HOW TO MAKE HISTORY DATES STICK THE MEMORABLE ASSASSINATION A SCRAP OF CURIOUS HISTORY SWITZERLAND, THE CRADLE OF LIBERTY AT THE SHRINE OF ST. WAGNER WILLIAM DEAN HOWELLS ENGLISH AS SHE IS TAUGHT A SIMPLIFIED ALPHABET AS CONCERNS INTERPRETING THE DEITY CONCERNING TOBACCO TAMING THE BICYCLE IS SHAKESPEARE DEAD? THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER AND OTHER STORIES THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER A FABLE HUNTING THE DECEITFUL TURKEY THE McWILLIAMSES AND THE BURGLAR ALARM A DOUBLE BARRELED DETECTIVE THE $30,000 BEQUEST AND OTHER STORIES THE $30,000 BEQUEST A DOG'S TALE WAS IT HEAVEN? OR HELL? A CURE FOR THE BLUES THE ENEMY CONQUERED; OR, LOVE TRIUMPHANT THE CALIFORNIAN'S TALE A HELPLESS SITUATION A TELEPHONIC CONVERSATION EDWARD MILLS AND GEORGE BENTON: A TALE THE FIVE BOONS OF LIFE THE FIRST WRITING-MACHINES ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER ITALIAN WITH GRAMMAR A BURLESQUE BIOGRAPHY HOW TO TELL A STORY GENERAL WASHINGTON'S NEGRO BODY-SERVANT WIT INSPIRATIONS OF THE "TWO-YEAR-OLDS" AN ENTERTAINING ARTICLE A LETTER TO THE SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY AMENDED OBITUARIES A MONUMENT TO ADAM A HUMANE WORD FROM SATAN INTRODUCTION TO "THE NEW GUIDE OF THE CONVERSATION IN PORTUGUESE AND ENGLISH" ADVICE TO LITTLE GIRLS POST-MORTEM POETRY THE DANGER OF LYING IN BED PORTRAIT OF KING WILLIAM III DOES THE RACE OF MAN LOVE A LORD? EXTRACTS FROM ADAM'S DIARY EVE'S DIARY A HORSE'S TALE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE EXTRACT FROM CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S VISIT TO HEAVEN IS SHAKESPEARE DEAD? ON THE DECAY OF THE ART OF LYING GOLDSMITH'S FRIEND ABROAD AGAIN HOW TO TELL A STORY AND OTHER STORIES HOW TO TELL A STORY THE WOUNDED SOLDIER THE GOLDEN ARM MENTAL TELEGRAPHY AGAIN THE INVALIDS STORY MARK TWAIN'S SPEECHES INTRODUCTION PREFACE THE STORY OF A SPEECH PLYMOUTH ROCK AND THE PILGRIMS COMPLIMENTS AND DEGREES BOOKS, AUTHORS, AND HATS DEDICATION SPEECH DIE SCHRECKEN DER DEUTSCHEN SPRACHE. THE HORRORS OF THE GERMAN LANGUAGE GERMAN FOR THE HUNGARIANS A NEW GERMAN WORD UNCONSCIOUS PLAGIARISM THE WEATHER THE BABIES OUR CHILDREN AND GREAT DISCOVERIES EDUCATING THEATRE-GOERS THE EDUCATIONAL THEATRE POETS AS POLICEMEN PUDD'NHEAD WILSON DRAMATIZED DALY THEATRE THE DRESS OF CIVILIZED WOMAN DRESS REFORM AND COPYRIGHT COLLEGE GIRLS GIRLS THE LADIES WOMAN'S PRESS CLUB VOTES FOR WOMEN WOMAN-AN OPINION ADVICE TO GIRLS TAXES AND MORALS TAMMANY AND CROKER MUNICIPAL CORRUPTION MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT CHINA AND THE PHILIPPINES THEORETICAL AND PRACTICAL MORALS LAYMAN'S SERMON UNIVERSITY SETTLEMENT SOCIETY PUBLIC EDUCATION ASSOCIATION EDUCATION AND CITIZENSHIP COURAGE THE DINNER TO MR. CHOATE ON STANLEY AND LIVINGSTONE HENRY M. STANLEY DINNER TO MR. JEROME HENRY IRVING DINNER TO HAMILTON W. MABIE INTRODUCING NYE AND RILEY DINNER TO WHITELAW REID ROGERS AND RAILROADS THE OLD-FASHIONED PRINTER SOCIETY OF AMERICAN AUTHORS READING-ROOM OPENING LITERATURE DISAPPEARANCE OF LITERATURE THE NEW YORK PRESS CLUB DINNER THE ALPHABET AND SIMPLIFIED SPELLING SPELLING AND PICTURES BOOKS AND BURGLARS AUTHORS' CLUB BOOKSELLERS "MARK TWAIN's FIRST APPEARANCE" MORALS AND MEMORY QUEEN VICTORIA JOAN OF ARC ACCIDENT INSURANCE--ETC. OSTEOPATHY WATER-SUPPLY MISTAKEN IDENTITY CATS AND CANDY OBITUARY POETRY CIGARS AND TOBACCO BILLIARDS THE UNION RIGHT OR WRONG? AN IDEAL FRENCH ADDRESS STATISTICS GALVESTON ORPHAN BAZAAR SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE CHARITY AND ACTORS RUSSIAN REPUBLIC RUSSIAN SUFFERERS WATTERSON AND TWAIN AS REBELS ROBERT FULTON FUND FULTON DAY, JAMESTOWN LOTOS CLUB DINNER IN HONOR OF MARK TWAIN COPYRIGHT IN AID OF THE BLIND DR. MARK TWAIN, FARMEOPATH MISSOURI UNIVERSITY SPEECH BUSINESS CARNEGIE THE BENEFACTOR ON POETRY, VERACITY, AND SUICIDE WELCOME HOME AN UNDELIVERED SPEECH SIXTY-SEVENTH BIRTHDAY TO THE WHITEFRIARS THE ASCOT GOLD CUP THE SAVAGE CLUB DINNER GENERAL MILES AND THE DOG WHEN IN DOUBT, TELL THE TRUTH THE DAY WE CELEBRATE INDEPENDENCE DAY AMERICANS AND THE ENGLISH ABOUT LONDON PRINCETON THE ST. LOUIS HARBOR-BOAT "MARK TWAIN" SEVENTIETH BIRTHDAY MARK TWAIN'S LETTERS 1853-1910 ARRANGED WITH COMMENT BY ALBERT BIGELOW PAINE

THE COMPLETE PROJECT GUTENBERG MARK TWAIN

INNOCENTS ABROAD

by Mark Twain

[From an 1869--1st Edition]

CONTENTS

CHAPTER I. Popular Talk of the Excursion--Programme of the Trip--Duly Ticketed for the Excursion--Defection of the Celebrities

CHAPTER II. Grand Preparations--An Imposing Dignitary--The European Exodus --Mr. Blucher's Opinion--Stateroom No. 10--The Assembling of the Clans --At Sea at Last

CHAPTER III. "Averaging" the Passengers--Far, far at Sea.--Tribulation among the Patriarchs--Seeking Amusement under Difficulties--Five Captains in the Ship

CHAPTER IV. The Pilgrims Becoming Domesticated--Pilgrim Life at Sea --"Horse-Billiards"--The "Synagogue"--The Writing School--Jack's "Journal" --The "Q. C. Club"--The Magic Lantern--State Ball on Deck--Mock Trials --Charades--Pilgrim Solemnity--Slow Music--The Executive Officer Delivers an Opinion

CHAPTER V. Summer in Mid-Atlantic--An Eccentric Moon--Mr. Blucher Loses Confidence --The Mystery of "Ship Time"--The Denizens of the Deep--"Land Hoh" --The First Landing on a Foreign Shore--Sensation among the Natives --Something about the Azores Islands--Blucher's Disastrous Dinner --The Happy Result

CHAPTER VI. Solid Information--A Fossil Community--Curious Ways and Customs --JesuitHumbuggery--Fantastic Pilgrimizing--Origin of the Russ Pavement --Squaring Accounts with the Fossils--At Sea Again

CHAPTER VII. A Tempest at Night--Spain and Africa on Exhibition--Greeting a Majestic Stranger--The Pillars of Hercules--The Rock of Gibraltar--Tiresome Repetition--"The Queen's Chair"--Serenity Conquered--Curiosities of the Secret Caverns--Personnel of Gibraltar--Some Odd Characters --A Private Frolic in Africa--Bearding a Moorish Garrison (without loss of life)--Vanity Rebuked--Disembarking in the Empire of Morocco

CHAPTER VIII. The Ancient City of Tangier, Morocco--Strange Sights--A Cradle of Antiquity--We become Wealthy--How they Rob the Mail in Africa--The Danger of being Opulent in Morocco

CHAPTER IX. A Pilgrim--in Deadly Peril--How they Mended the Clock--Moorish Punishments for Crime--Marriage Customs--Looking Several ways for Sunday --Shrewd, Practice of Mohammedan Pilgrims--Reverence for Cats--Bliss of being a Consul-General

CHAPTER X. Fourth of July at Sea--Mediterranean Sunset--The "Oracle" is Delivered of an Opinion--Celebration Ceremonies--The Captain's Speech--France in Sight--The Ignorant Native--In Marseilles--Another Blunder--Lost in the Great City--Found Again--A Frenchy Scene

CHAPTER XI. Getting used to it--No Soap--Bill of Fare, Table d'hote--"An American Sir"--A Curious Discovery--The "Pilgrim" Bird--Strange Companionship --A Grave of the Living--A Long Captivity--Some of Dumas' Heroes--Dungeon of the Famous "Iron Mask."

CHAPTXR XII. A Holiday Flight through France--Summer Garb of the Landscape--Abroad on the Great Plains--Peculiarities of French Cars--French Politeness American Railway Officials--"Twenty Mnutes to Dinner!"--Why there are no Accidents--The "Old Travellers"--Still on the Wing--Paris at Last----French Order and Quiet--Place of the Bastile--Seeing the Sights --A Barbarous Atrocity--Absurd Billiards

CHAPTER XIII. More Trouble--Monsieur Billfinger--Re-Christening the Frenchman--In the Clutches of a Paris Guide--The International Exposition--Fine Military Review--Glimpse of the Emperor Napoleon and the Sultan of Turkey

CHAPTER XIV. The Venerable Cathedral of Notre-Dame--Jean Sanspeur's Addition --Treasures and Sacred Relics--The Legend of the Cross--The Morgue--The Outrageious 'Can-Can'--Blondin Aflame--The Louvre Palace--The Great Park --Showy Pageantry--Preservation of Noted Things

CHAPTER XV. French National Burying--Ground--Among the Great Dead--The Shrine of Disappointed Love--The Story of Abelard and Heloise--"English Spoken Here"--"American Drinks Compounded Here"--Imperial Honors to an American--The Over-estimated Grisette--Departure from Paris--A Deliberate Opinion Concerning the Comeliness of American Women

CHAPTER XVI. Versailles--Paradise Regained--A Wonderful Park--Paradise Lost --Napoleonic Strategy

CHAPTER XVII. War--The American Forces Victorious--" Home Again"--Italy in Sight The "City of Palaces"--Beauty of the Genoese Women--The "Stub-Hunters" --Among the Palaces--Gifted Guide--Church Magnificence--"Women not Admitted"--How the Genoese Live--Massive Architecture--A Scrap of Ancient History--Graves for 60,000

CHAPTER XVIII. Flying Through Italy--Marengo--First Glimpse of the Famous Cathedral --Description of some of its Wonders--A Horror Carved in Stone----An Unpleasant Adventure--A Good Man--A Sermon from the Tomb--Tons of Gold and Silver--Some More Holy Relics--Solomon's Temple

CHAPTER XIX "Do You Wiz zo Haut can be?"--La Scala--Petrarch and Laura--Lucrezia Borgia--Ingenious Frescoes--Ancient Roman Amphitheatre--A Clever Delusion--Distressing Billiards--The Chief Charm of European Life--An Italian Bath--Wanted: Soap--Crippled French--Mutilated English--The Most Celebrated Painting in the World--Amateur Raptures--Uninspired Critics --Anecdote--A Wonderful Echo--A Kiss for a Franc

CHAPTER XX Rural Italy by Rail--Fumigated, According to Law--The Sorrowing Englishman--Night by the Lake of Como--The Famous Lake--Its Scenery --Como compared with Tahoe--Meeting a Shipmate

CHAPTER XXI. The Pretty Lago di Lecco--A Carriage Drive in the Country--Astonishing Sociability in a Coachman--Sleepy Land--Bloody Shrines--The Heart and Home of Priestcraft--A Thrilling Mediaeval Romance--The Birthplace of Harlequin--Approaching Venice

CHAPTER XXII. Night in Venice--The "Gay Gondolier"--The Grand Fete by Moonlight --The Notable Sights of Venice--The Mother of the Republics Desolate

CHANTER XXIII. The Famous Gondola--The Gondola in an Unromantic Aspect--The Great Square of St. Mark and the Winged Lion--Snobs, at Home and Abroad--Sepulchres of the Great Dead--A Tilt at the "Old Masters"--A Contraband Guide --The Conspiracy--Moving Again

CHAPTER XXIV. Down Through Italy by Rail--Idling in Florence--Dante and Galileo--An Ungrateful City--Dazzling Generosity--Wonderful Mosaics--The Historical Arno--Lost Again--Found Again, but no Fatted Calf Ready--The Leaning Tower of Pisa--The Ancient Duomo--The Old Original First Pendulum that Ever Swung--An Enchanting Echo--A New Holy Sepulchre--A Relic of Antiquity--A Fallen Republic--At Leghorn--At Home Again, and Satisfied, on Board the Ship--Our Vessel an Object of Grave Suspicion--Garibaldi Visited--Threats of Quarantine

CHAPTER XXV. The Works of Bankruptcy--Railway Grandeur--How to Fill an Empty Treasury--The Sumptuousness of Mother Church--Ecclesiastical Splendor --Magnificence and Misery--General Execration--More Magnificence A Good Word for the Priests--Civita Vecchia the Dismal--Off for Rome

CHAPTER XXVI. The Modern Roman on His Travels--The Grandeur of St. Peter's--Holy Relics --Grand View from the Dome--The Holy Inquisition--Interesting Old Monkish Frauds--The Ruined Coliseum--The Coliseum in the Days of its Prime --Ancient Playbill of a Coliseum Performance--A Roman Newspaper Criticism 1700 Years Old

CHAPTER XXVII. "Butchered to Make a Roman Holiday"--The Man who Never Complained --An Exasperating Subject--Asinine Guides--The Roman Catacombs The Saint Whose Fervor Burst his Ribs--The Miracle of the Bleeding Heart --The Legend of Ara Coeli

CHAPTER XXVIII. Picturesque Horrors--The Legend of Brother Thomas--Sorrow Scientifically Analyzed--A Festive Company of the Dead--The Great Vatican Museum Artist Sins of Omission--The Rape of the Sabines--Papal Protection of Art--High Price of "Old Masters"--Improved Scripture--Scale of Rank of the Holy Personages in Rome--Scale of Honors Accorded Them --Fossilizing--Away for Naples

CHAPTER XXIX. Naples--In Quarantine at Last--Annunciation--Ascent of Mount Vesuvius--A Two Cent Community--The Black Side of Neapolitan Character--Monkish Miracles--Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued--The Stranger and the Hackman--Night View of Naples from the Mountain-side---Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued

CHAPTER XXX. Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued--Beautiful View at Dawn--Less Beautiful in the Back Streets--Ascent of Vesuvius Continued--Dwellings a Hundred Feet High--A Motley Procession--Bill of Fare for a Peddler's Breakfast--Princely Salaries--Ascent of Vesuvius Continued--An Average of Prices--The wonderful "Blue Grotto"--Visit to Celebrated Localities in the Bay of Naples--The Poisoned "Grotto of the Dog"--A Petrified Sea of Lava--Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued--The Summit Reached--Description of the Crater--Descent of Vesuvius

CHAPTER XXXI. The Buried City of Pompeii--How Dwellings Appear that have been Unoccupied for Eighteen hundred years--The Judgment Seat--Desolation--The Footprints of the Departed--"No Women Admitted"--Theatres, Bakeshops, Schools--Skeletons preserved by the Ashes and Cinders--The Brave Martyr to Duty--Rip Van Winkle--The Perishable Nature of Fame

CHAPTER XXXII. At Sea Once More--The Pilgrims all Well--Superb Stromboli--Sicily by Moonlight--Scylla and Charybdis--The "Oracle" at Fault--Skirting the Isles of Greece Ancient Athens--Blockaded by Quarantine and Refused Permission to Enter--Running the Blockade--A Bloodless Midnight Adventure--Turning Robbers from Necessity--Attempt to Carry the Acropolis by Storm--We Fail--Among the Glories of the Past--A World of Ruined Sculpture--A Fairy Vision--Famous Localities--Retreating in Good Order --Captured by the Guards--Travelling in Military State--Safe on Board Again

CHAPTER XXXIII. Modern Greece--Fallen Greatness--Sailing Through the Archipelago and the Dardanelles--Footprints of History--The First Shoddy Contractor of whom History gives any Account--Anchored Before Constantinople--Fantastic Fashions--The Ingenious Goose-Rancher--Marvelous Cripples--The Great Mosque--The Thousand and One Columns--The Grand Bazaar of Stamboul

CHAPTER XXXIV. Scarcity of Morals and Whiskey--Slave-Girl Market Report--Commercial Morality at a Discount--The Slandered Dogs of Constantinople --Questionable Delights of Newspaperdom in Turkey--Ingenious Italian Journalism--No More Turkish Lunches Desired--The Turkish Bath Fraud --The Narghileh Fraud--Jackplaned by a Native--The Turkish Coffee Fraud

CHAPTER XXXV. Sailing Through the Bosporus and the Black Sea--"Far-Away Moses" --Melancholy Sebastopol--Hospitably Received in Russia--Pleasant English People--Desperate Fighting--Relic Hunting--How Travellers Form "Cabinets"

CHAPTER XXXVI. Nine Thousand Miles East--Imitation American Town in Russia--Gratitude that Came Too Late--To Visit the Autocrat of All the Russias

CHAPTER XXXVII. Summer Home of Royalty--Practising for the Dread Ordeal--Committee on Imperial Address--Reception by the Emperor and Family--Dresses of the Imperial Party--Concentrated Power--Counting the Spoons--At the Grand Duke's--A Charming Villa--A Knightly Figure--The Grand Duchess--A Grand Ducal Breakfast--Baker's Boy, the Famine-Breeder--Theatrical Monarchs a Fraud--Saved as by Fire--The Governor--General's Visit to the Ship --Official "Style"--Aristocratic Visitors--"Munchausenizing" with Them --Closing Ceremonies

CHAPTER XXXVIII. Return to Constantinople--We Sail for Asia--The Sailors Burlesque the Imperial Visitors--Ancient Smyrna--The "Oriental Splendor" Fraud --The "Biblical Crown of Life"--Pilgrim Prophecy-Savans--Sociable Armenian Girls--A Sweet Reminiscence--"The Camels are Coming, Ha-ha!"

CHAPTER XXXIX. Smyrna's Lions--The Martyr Polycarp--The "Seven Churches"--Remains of the Six Smyrnas--Mysterious Oyster Mine Oysters--Seeking Scenery--A Millerite Tradition--A Railroad Out of its Sphere

CHAPTER XL. Journeying Toward Ancient Ephesus--Ancient Ayassalook--The Villanous Donkey--A Fantastic Procession--Bygone Magnificence--Fragments of History--The Legend of the Seven Sleepers

CHAPTER XLI. Vandalism Prohibited--Angry Pilgrims--Approaching Holy Land!--The "Shrill Note of Preparation"--Distress About Dragomans and Transportation --The "Long Route" Adopted--In Syria--Something about Beirout--A Choice Specimen of a Greek "Ferguson"--Outfits--Hideous Horseflesh--Pilgrim "Style"--What of Aladdin's Lamp?

CHAPTER XLII. "Jacksonville," in the Mountains of Lebanon--Breakfasting above a Grand Panorama--The Vanished City--The Peculiar Steed, "Jericho"--The Pilgrims Progress--Bible Scenes--Mount Hermon, Joshua's Battle Fields, etc. --The Tomb of Noah--A Most Unfortunate People

CHAPTER XLIII. Patriarchal Customs--Magnificent Baalbec--Description of the Ruins --Scribbling Smiths and Joneses--Pilgrim Fidelity to the Letter of the Law --The Revered Fountain of Baalam's Ass

CHAPTER XLIV. Extracts from Note-Book--Mahomet's Paradise and the Bible's--Beautiful Damascus the Oldest City on Earth--Oriental Scenes within the Curious Old City--Damascus Street Car--The Story of St. Paul--The "Street called Straight"--Mahomet's Tomb and St. George's--The Christian Massacre --Mohammedan Dread of Pollution--The House of Naaman --The Horrors of Leprosy

CHAPTER XLV. The Cholera by way of Variety--Hot--Another Outlandish Procession--Pen and-Ink Photograph of "Jonesborough," Syria--Tomb of Nimrod, the Mighty Hunter--The Stateliest Ruin of All--Stepping over the Borders of Holy-Land--Bathing in the Sources of Jordan--More "Specimen" Hunting --Ruins of Cesarea--Philippi--"On This Rock Will I Build my Church"--The People the Disciples Knew--The Noble Steed "Baalbec"--Sentimental Horse Idolatry of the Arabs