Part 9

As for his Pedegree, I now not how to derive it; for he hath had in him the best and purest of the _French_ blood, but will now acknowledge his Race onely from the _Spaniard_, whom he imitates, being stately, and standing always upright; treads for the most part on Carpets, and never stirs abroad but when he is carried, yet full of activity. If he runs fast and long, the more wind he gets. If he chance to fall, which is seldom, for many look to him, he will be extreamly moved, yet (contrary to all men) the fuller his belly is, the less hurt he receives: his credit is large, never paying for what he wears, running on the score perpetually; his conditions are a riddle, there is in him pure vertue, and notorious vice; the quintessence of love, and the venome of hatred. He is the beginning and the end of a thousand quarrels in a year, yet a very Coward; for he suffers any to take him by the ear, and never broke any ones pate, but when company was by. He is very facetious in society, and will spend himself freely to the last drop, if a Ladies soft and warm hand will raise him. He is a brisk Spark, and therefore Courtiers adore him; he is smooth in his expression, and therefore Ladies delight in him; he is filled with nimble fancies, therefore the Wits frequent him, exhausting his radical moisture, to distil it into Poetical Raptures; for conceits never run faster from the Limbick of their brains, than when this Gentleman adds fuel to the Furnace. He whets wit, yet dulls it; creates new Fancies, and stupifies. Gives the Orator a fluent tongue, and makes him speechless. Gives a Poet feet till he cannot go. And as he helps Ministers to preach, so he likewise silenceth more than the Spanish Inquisition. He hath a great many tricks in him: He will make a Faulkner fly high within doors; Make a Huntsman catch a Fox by the fire-side; Whatever he holds, is made good; and unless you mind him well, much good matter that falls from him, may be lost: for he is often fluent beyond measure. All Tongues court him; and those that look narrowly unto him, shall find him no dry Fellow. The truth is, he is too profound for shallow brains to meddle with him: He will pour out quaint expressions and hard words so thick, that the best Scholars are glad at last to give him something to stop his mouth: Yet hold him up fairly, and you may get all he hath out of him. He is excessively beloved, and relishes all Company, being pleasant, and full of admirable humours. He is inwardly acquainted with the Lord Mayor and Aldermen, and incorporateth with their Wives daily. His Kisses are so sweet, that they lick their lips after him; and though his breath be strong, yet it is not offensive. He is a true _Good-fellow_, drinking till he hath no eyes to see with: Good Liquor is his Life and Soul, and he is never musty but for want of it. He will drink till he be filled up to the very throat, and gape whilst others put it in. He will bear as much Sack as any man in _England_ of his bulk; yet he will be soon drunk in Company. But if you will give him leave to vomit, he will take his Liquor and drink fresh, till all the Company be forced to leave him. Drinking is his hourly exercise, seldom lying out of a Tavern. He is the main Upholder of Club-meetings, without fear of being broke. He picks mens pockets, yet is never made more reckoning of than by such persons. As for his Estate, I can onely say this, That all he hath he carries about him; yet generally he is reputed rich: What he hath, he holds upon courtesie; but what he gives others, is held _in Capite_. What he possesseth, is commonly upon Sale; yet more for plenty, than for want; and if you can purchase him you purchase all.

* * * * *

I could never endure Idleness, I was ever in action; either writing, or contriving, or putting in execution my contrivances; I thought it better _male agere quam nihil agere_: my brains or hands were continually working, and very seldom but effectually. My pen was generally so happy in discoveries, that my wit was much applauded by the most censorious: much respected I was, & my company much importuned by the Tankerd-bearers of _Helicon_, by which means I so swelled with pride, that I thought my self little inferior to _Apollo_. I called _Mercury_ Pimp, the nine Sisters Whores, whom I had frequently layn with, and might when I pleased: the best title I could bestow on _Pegasus_ was Hackny-Jade. In the height of this my opinionativeness, my Cooler (our Masters maid) came to me where I was alone; and after many heart-fetcht sighs, told me she found her self with child; which news had like to have deprived me of my understanding: but knowing that Vexation never remedies but rather adds to trouble, I was resolved to bear it patiently, and study some means to preserve her and my Credit. I framed a Letter as from her Father, desiring her to come down into the Country speedily, if she intended to see him alive; and according as we had laid the Plot, she shews it her Mistress, desiring her leave to shew her duty to her dying Father. Our Mistress most willingly consented thereunto, as knowing that there was more than ordinary love between us; the maid had staid as long as possibly she might without discovery, Lacing her self very streight, and keeping down her belly with three Busks: but now she made haste to rub off: I had provided a Midwife that should be her Bawd too: but this could not be done without extraordinary cost. After her Delivery, I found the keeping of her and the Child very expensive: then did I begin to consider what a vast charge, and how many various troubles this momentary lecherous pleasure draws upon a man: how furiously he is upon the onset, and how quickly satisfied, loathing that Object he a little before longed for. Well, I bethought my self how to be rid both of Cow and Calf. I told her I would get together what moneys I could, and so marry her, upon condition she would be willing to travel with me whither I went, which I knew was her onely desire: I informed her of my intention to go for _Virginia_; and the reasons that induced me thereunto.

First, her disgrace would not be known there: Next, my Master could have no power over me, insisting further on the pleasantness of that Continent, and the plenty of every thing, &c.

She assented to all I propounded, relying her self solely on me, to dispose of her as I pleased. To palliate my design, I went with her to _Gravesend_, pretending as if I was then going with her beyond Sea, for no other end but to clear my self from her there, knowing that after she had past examination or search of the Block-house, she would meet with no more. Being aboard, I suddenly seemed to have forgot something ashore; having well laid my Plot upon the Basis of a good Sum of money I had distributed among the Sea-men, with a considerable present to the Master, and telling my _Landabris_ I would return to her instantly, I got into the Boat; and immediately after the Ship weighed Anchor, and quickly was under Sail. I confess, notwithstanding the Devil had at that time the total possession of me; yet I was much troubled at what I had done so hard-heartedly and cruelly. A flood of tears had so overwhelmed my sight, that I could not discern the Ship in which she was: so sensible I was of the wickedness of this Fact, that _Dido_-like, I could have thrown my self into the Sea after her, had not a good Woman, whose Husband was in the same Ship, prevented me. Observing my tears, _’Tis probable, Young Man_, (said she) _you have lately taken your leave of some dearly beloved Friend; and I guess, by your earnest looking after yond Ship under sail, the person was in her_. I told her it was truth. _My Husband is in the same Vessel_, (said she) _and therefore I have as much cause to grieve as you. Come, be of good comfort, Man, Friends must part; and it is better to part here than at the Gallows. Go along with me, and we will wash down sorrow; and with a Glass of neat Canary, antidote our hearts against any thing that may disturb them._

With that I lookt intentively in her face, and found it correspondent with a jolly temper. An Eye black and piercing; and Eye-brows black also, and each as big as a mans thumb comparatively: a sign that never fails to denote that Woman capable of giving a man the greatest delectation. She was every way compleatly handsome, and suitable to the desires of the most curious Critick in Love-affairs. I thought it a shame to deny so kind a proffer, and a crime in Youth unpardonable not to embrace that opportunity, that shall lead him by the hand into _Venus_ her Bed-chamber. With that I addrest my self to her, (and afterwards undrest together) declaring that the force of her Rhetorick, assisted by her external beautiful, and altogether lovely form, had forced me to forget my onely dearly beloved she-friend, and to become her Proselyte, her absolutely devoted convert, and would prostrate my will to be guided by hers and her command. With that we concluded to solace ourselves at the next Tavern: I applied my self to my old way of insinuation: which soon melted her, so that I saw I might when I pleased stamp loves impression on her. Returning to _Gravesend_, we soon lodged our selves conveniently for our intended purpose: having so done, I so ordered the matter, that there was not anything wanting that might please our sences. Yet fearing lest her love should cool again, there was no Art forgotten that might serve to entertain it. Delays in love-affairs are dangerous: Women love not to be too long Tantalized; there is a certain critical time to know their inclination; which if you punctually observe, you shall assuredly reap the fruits of your desires; if not, you may perpetually wait, but never enjoy the like opportunity. Wherefore the Iron glowing hot, I thought good to strike: to enliven my spirits, she sent for a noise of Musick, ordering them to play in the next Room. And in the end we began to think of some repose, agreeing before to lie in two Chambers contiguous to each other; which were accordingly provided. As soon as I thought all the Houshold were in bed, I repaired to my Mistress, who eagerly expected my coming; approaching the bed-side, she clasped me in her arms: As soon as day broke, I arose, bespeaking a fat Capon swaddled with Sassages, and a Quart of Buttered Sack. I got all ready by the time of her rising: she was extraordinarily well pleased in my double dilligence of serving her: having applauded my industry and care of her, we fell to it, interlining every bit with a Glass of Canary. She told me she would never part whilst she had a penny left, having about her some Thirty Pieces of Gold. _Well_ (said I) _my Dear, since it is thy resolution, a match; but let me be Steward_: Which she agreed unto, delivering into my hands what Gold she had. For two or three hours I shewed my self very officious in my place; but considering that when this money was spent, we should not know what to do, I thought it was better for one to want than two; besides, I had lately surfeited on a Medler, and therefore my stomack nauseated the very thoughts thereof. I had feed the Drawer to bring me word just as the _Gravesend_ Barge was going off; which accordingly he did, by a private sign concluded betwixt us. I then pretended an excuse to go down, under the notion of providing something novel, which should be conducive to our mirth and jollity. I had just so much time below to write her these lines in stead of a solemn leave taking, leaving them with the Drawer to present her, and so went aboard the Barge for _London_.

_Madam, I’m gone, no wonder, for you know, Lovers encounters are but touch and go._

Arriving at _Billings-gate_, I went straight to a Tavern, where I had an interest with the Drawer, resolving there to consult seriously with my self what course to follow, being as yet unresolved what to do. After I had raised my dulled spirits with a glass or two, I concluded to hazard my Masters good opinion, nay, and my Mistresses affection too; which though at that present it only smoaked, I might easily divine, that in process of time it would burst forth into a flame. Being before confined to my Masters time, I began to consider what an excellent thing Liberty was, equally estimable with Health; which two, though they are the greatest and most precious gifts (next our Redemption) the Creator of the World hath bestowed on mankind; yet we poor mortals value them not till we are sensible of their want, by being deprived of them. This is an infallible maxime, _That the deprivation of a thing shall be so much the more evil, as the possession thereof is good_. Now if Liberty be such an excellent & delectable thing when enjoyed, how miserable are those that want it?

Having moneys in my Pocket, I concluded to experiment the enjoyment thereof, and to participate of such delights the nature of young men is most inclinable to. Now man being a sociable Creature, I thought I should reap but little satisfaction to my self in the expence of my moneys, without an Associate: Wherefore I sent to an Apprentice of my intimate acquaintance contemporary with me, and who had often prompted me to ramble with him. This Lad was his Masters Casheer, which I knew would much assist my design. I made him acquainted with my intention of trying the world: Though it had been formerly his own motion, yet he seemed at the first something startled; but all his doubts I resolved; adding moreover, That to have our wills inslaved to other mens, was a thing insupportable, since that we were, as well as they, created free Denizens of this world. That since our great Grand-Father was Emperor of the whole world, we could not stile our selves less than Princes, and therefore debased our Birth by a voluntary submission to Service and Slavery. I had no great occasion to make use of many Arguments to this purpose; for his own inclination was sufficient to perswade him. The result of our discourse was a firm resolution to become two Knights-errant. I advised him forthwith to go home and bring with him what Cash he had in his possession; which he readily performed, and indeed more then I could expect, being 200_l._ the Fates having so decreed to favour this our first bold exploit, as a tryal of what we durst attempt.

CHAP. XII.

_How he frequented Bawdy-houses; what exploits he committed in them; the Character of a Bawd, a Whore, a Pimp, and a Trapan; their manner of living; with a Detection of their wicked lives and Conversations._

Being full fraught with money, we undertook our Progress, promising to our selves all delight imaginable, but not considering what the effect would be. We frequented all places of pleasure, but among the chief we ranked _Brothel-houses_, which were our Repositories. We seldom were seen in the Streets by day, for fear of discovery; confining our selves close Prisoners to some _Bubbing-house_; at night (like such as closely delighted in deeds of darkness) we would sometimes flutter abroad. Our pastime was to hire Coaches to any pretended place, and when we came near it, to make our escape. One time leaping out of the Boot, my Cloak chanced to tangle in the spokes of the Wheel: the Coachman not perceiving we were got out, drove on; by the wheels continually turning, my Garment was so ingaged, that I verily believed my sins had now conferred upon me the just punishment of being executed on the wheel, which I could hardly have avoided, had I not speedily unbuttoned my Cloak: I was loath to bid the Coachman stop, thinking I should have it at last; I ran Lacquy-like a long way, but all my endeavours to shift it, proved ineffectual; so that at length I was forced to cry out, _Hold Coachman_. The Coachman coming out of his Box, soon perceived the fallacy, and straightways demanded his money for his hire, before he would untangle my Cloak, which I was compelled to give him. Delivering me my Cloak, he told me, _I had paid him, but he had not paid me for my attendance on him_: And said moreover, _That my Cloak would not look like a Livery, unless it were laced; and with that, with his whip, lashed me well-favouredly_. Another sort of Pastime we used, was to kick the old Watchmens Lanthorns about the street; and it may be sometimes confer a blow or two on their sleepy noddles, and then flie for it, but we had worse success with this than the former. We practised this foolery so often, till at length we were met with, and rightly served. It was thus: In _Paternoster-row_, we found a fellow at noddie upon a stall, with his Lanthorn and Candle by him; having first seized on that, and thrown it into the Kennel, we prosecuted our abuse by falling upon him, and beating him. As soon as we had done this manful act, we betook our selves to flight; but here we mistook our mark, thinking him to be an old decrepid Watchman, and one that had little use of his eyes, without those in his Pocket; whereas to our cost, we found him as nimble and as light footed as a Stag, who overtaking us, surprized us; and as he was carrying us before the Constable, we met with the grand Round, who, without much examination, committed us as Rats to the Counter. The chiefest thing that troubled us, was the apprehension of our Masters knowing where we were. But we resolved to drown that care: we had not been there long, before other Rats, Male and Female, were brought in to bear us company. Some of the men were all bloody, and their Mobs Scarfs and Hoods all rent, and none of them sober: Damming and Sinking were the constant flourishes of their discourse; calling for drink was the Argument they held, and roaring in distracted notes was their Harmony. Though I was my self comparatively wicked, yet I blessed my God I had not arrived to that height these superlative Villains had attained to. Being in their company, I thought myself in the Suburbs, or on the confines of Hell. Sin, if it be dressed up in specious pretences, may be entertained as a Companion; but when it appears in its own shape, it cannot but strike horror into the Soul of any, though desperate, if not stupified. Wherefore me thought I was so far from associating my self with them, that I protest, the leudness of their Actions were so represented to me with such deformity, that I knew not which I loathed most, them or the Prison. I cannot make appear to the world what they were, nor my resentments, unless I should stuff a page or two with all manner of horrid Oaths, Execrations, Blasphemies and such like soul-infecting & destroying Plague-sores; wherefore I shall onely take leave to anatomize the Place that deteined us from our freedom. Then look upon a Prison as in it self, and it may be fitly termed a temporary Hell. For as the other is a receptacle for damned Souls, the Gates thereof standing always wide open; so this refuseth the reception of none, though never so wicked a miscreant. Though my durance in this place was but short, yet I could not but take some observations, imploying from thence the faculties of my Soul to draw up the definition of a Prison. Hell is a very proper denomination for it, since it is a place composed of nothing but disorder and confusion; a Land of darkness, inhabited by calamity, horror, misery, and confusion; a bottomless Pit of fraud, violence and stench. A Prison is the Banishment of Courtesie, the Centre of Infamy and Disparagement, the Destruction of good Wits, the Treasure of Despair, the Fining-Pot of Friendship, a Den of Deceivers, a Forest of Ravenous Beasts. Here you may see one Weeping, another singing; one Sleeping, another Swearing; every one variously imployed; one Eating in a corner, and another Pissing just by him; another Lowsing himself between both; it may be heretofore a military man, and therefore loath to forget his Art, but rather exercising it in the killing of his bodily Enemies, bearing the blood on his nail, as the Trophies of his Victory.

It is, to speak most properly, a living Tomb or grave to bury men alive in, wherein a man for half a years experience may learn more Law, then he can in three Terms for an hundred pound.

It is a little Wood of woe, a Map of misery, a place that will learn a young man more villany, if he be apt to take it, in six months, than at twenty Gaming Ordinaries, Bowling-Allies, or Bawdy-houses; and an old man more policy, than if he had been Pupil to _Machiavel_.

This Place hath more diseases predominant in it than the Pest-house in a Plague-time; and stinks worse than my Lord Mayors Dog-house.

It is a little Common-wealth, although little wealth common there; it is a desart, where desert lies hood-winkt.

The Place is as intricate as _Rosamond’s_ Labyrinth, and is so full of Meanders and Crooked turnings, that it is impossible to find the way out, except he be directed by a Silver Clue; and can never overcome the Minotaur, without a Golden-ball to work his own safety. The next day, paying our Fees, and receiving some checks, with good admonitions from the Justice, we were discharged. This misfortune made us not a jot more cautious, but as soon as we were at liberty, we went upon the sent to mother _Cr._ formerly famous for the Good Citizens Wives that frequented her house; who still rides Admiral of all the rest of her function about the Town. I hope the next time I go to visit her, she will not get me clapt for the pains I take in praising her. The truth of it is, of all the Bawds I know, she merits most, having an house fit for the accommodation of the best. As for her walking Utensils, they are composed of refined mettal, always neatly kept; which, because they are not used upon all slight occasions, they appear the more delectable to the eye. Assoon as we had entered the door, I could hear a ruffling of Silks in sundry places; I conceive it was their policy, by seeming modesty to set a sharper edge on our appetites. We were conducted into a large handsome Room; bottles of Wine were brought up, both Spanish and French, with salt meats to relish the Palate, though we gave no order for them; but it seems it was the Custom of the house, a chargeable one: but without a Piece spending, you shall know little of their practices. At length, up came the old Matron; after the performance of our Devoir, she seats her self by me, and began to be impudently acquainted, chucking me under the chin, calling me her _Son Smock-face_. Having well warmed our selves with Wine, and the good Gentlewoman perceiving that our bloods began to heat, _Well_, said she, _I guess at the intent of your coming hither, neither shall you go away unsatisfied. Nature will have its course; and if in Youth it be stopt, it will but, Torrent-like, flow with the greater impetuosity. Come, I see by your countenances that ye were born sons of mirth and pleasure; shew then what stock ye came of. If you want Subjects to exercise your parts on, we’ll have more Wine; and when ye are inflamed, ye shall have the benefit of a Cooler._ With that she leaves us; but another of the same Sex, though three degrees different in age, supplied her place. At first view I seemed very well pleased: handsome she was, and very proportionable; but withal so impudent, that I was antidoted against lechery. _Ista fœmina quæ limites verecundiæ semel excesserit, oportet illam esse graviter impudentem._ If once a woman pass the bounds of Shamefac’dness, she will seldome stop till she hath arrived to the heighth of Impudence. I must needs deal ingeniously, at the beginning the Needle of my Microcosm was toucht by Loves Loadstone. But upon further acquaintance, if I might have had a hundred pounds, I could not have meddled with her.