Part 6

After this, we ransackt their pockets, but found little in the mans; but searching the woman in a private place between her Pocket and Placket, we discovered something considerable, which we took. Having so done, we thought it high time to be gone, but first we resolved to make some sport as well as take their moneys, which was thus: I tied to each of their Girdles, behind, a Flaggon-pot, and to each a Label affixt, or a paper of Verses, and so immediately tript off. The Host seeing us go out of doors with more than ordinary speed, ran into the room where the _Tinker_ and his _Lady_ were: he suddenly awaked them, telling them we were gone. Hearing this, they hastily started up, and reeling ran to overtake us: the Master of the house seeing his Pots dangling at their breech, ran after the _Tinker_, crying, _Stop’em, stop’em, Stop the thievish Tinker, stop the Whore with my Pot_. We were wiser than to stay to hear how the _Tinker_ and his _Trull_ came off, or to hear the laughter that we undoubtedly raised by this waggish contrivance, but directed our course for _London_ directly; where we arrived soon enough, nay too soon for some. This Out-cry soon alarm’d the ears of his Neighbours, who with the Host seizing on them, and carrying them back, gave us an opportunity for our escape. The Lines that were about the _Tinkers_ Pot, were these, to my best remembrance.

_Serpents but sting, or only bite so deep, To numb the sense, so lay men fast asleep. Wit acts far greater things. I’ll say no more: Pay first for sleeping, then the Pots restore._

Those that were fastened to the Womans Pot, were these:

_’Twas not the Serpent, but strong Beer that stung: The _vent_ being _stopt_, the Drink wrought through the _Bung_._

I had like to have forgot to give you an account of a merry passage that hapned upon the road we travelled on; beating the hoof we overtook a Cart, but in the name of _Rabbi Abraham_, what think you was in it? In troth even a Squadron of the _Tatterdemallion Regiment_; Some pretendedly blind, others their leggs tied up in a string. A third sort having a dead Palsy over all one side. A fourth so lame as if he never had been strung with sinews. We fell into discourse, asking them whither they were bound thus carted? They answered us: every one for his own Country, we have been already jib’d (said one) that is jerkt at the Whipping-post, and now enjoy the benefit of a Pass. The Surly Rogue the Carter observing our familiar talk made a stand, speaking to us after this manner. Why how now Gentlemen, how dropt you out of the Carts Arse? what, you go on foot and your Brethren ride? It shall not be; ease your legs, come I’le lend you an hand. I was about to reply when a fellow came along who knew this Carter, and askt him what he would do, or whither he was going with them Criples. Introth said he, to tell you the truth, I am going to _Kilum_ (a Town it seems on the borders of _Oxford_-Shire.) Hearing this, I knew not what to think on’t but consulted with the aspect of the carted crew. Their faces discovered nothing but sence of danger, so that now I perceiv’d their thoughts were solely imployed about their escape, which they did soon put in execution. For forthwith the strings were cut that tied up their legs, who silently slid out of the cart one after another for fear of discovery, the blind could see their way down too, the Paralitick could run as swift as a Stag; The fellow drove on still, not missing his Company presently, at last looking about he saw one running this way, another that way, a third contrary to either, a fourth was hiding himself in a bush, thus they were all disperst: D’ee here, d’ee here, cry’d the Carter, restore the leggs and eyes you borrowed, and then run to the Devil if you can. I heard one of them distinctly answer him, I’le see you hang’d first, you murdering Rogue e’re I will come near you; dont you remember that you said even now that you were going to Killum. Could you but imagine the various postures their causless fear put them in you would be a great Sharer with me in laughter, I could not retain my self from; this story put me in mind of the like mistake, whose effects proved more fatall in the time of the intestine wars in _Ireland_: a Trooper met with a Sculogue or Country-fellow, and demanding of him whence he came, he answered from _Killwanium_: whither art a going? to _Killmore_ sayd he: (these are two Towns) with that the Soldier sware he should not kill more, and so pistol’d him.

CHAP. VII.

_Coming to _London_, he enters himself into the society of Beggars, distinguished by these Titles, _Ben seakers_, _Dommerars_, _Clapperdogeons_, &c., with a short description of their Manners and Customes; as also a relation of a piece of Theft he committed._

Coming up to _London_, we straight way betook our selves to _Newington-Butts_, but by the way, my Friend could not forbear calling on his Friends in _Kent-street_, there they gave me a Nick-name; and my Comrade immediately fell to work, to put himself into an equipage fit for the employment we had undertaken. He needed not to alter his habit; but his chief aim was to make counterfeit Sores or Clymes, according to the term of Art that is given them. With the assistance of some of the Fraternity, he had in an hours time, such a Leg, that I could hardly look upon it without even dropping down; and thus they made it; They took unslaked Lime and Sope, mingled with the rust of old Iron: these being well temper’d together, they did spred it thick on two pieces of leather, which they apply’d to his Leg, binding it thereunto very hard, which in a short time did fret off the skin, the flesh appearing all raw; then did they take blood and rub’d it all over his Leg; which being fully dried, made the Leg appear all black, the Sore they did only let peep out of the holes of five or six matterish clouts. He soon got us a Doxie too, with a couple of children, (the fitter for our purpose) the one to carry in her arms, and the other to lead. Providing himself and me with a good lusty _Filch_ or _Stick_, with a hole at the end thereof, to put in a hook if occasion should serve, to filch any thing off Hedges, _&c._ Away we went into _Moor-fields_: he would have made me a _Clyme_ too, or an Artificial sore; but my stomack would no wayes accept of his kindness. Coming into the Fields, he planted me in a convenient place, the _Doxie_ with her _Lullaby-cheats_ in another; and himself in a third, not far distant from one another, that one might catch the others _Maunding_ at the rebound. I observ’d my _Friend_ and _Rogue_ diligently, what he did, for my own information. One would have sworn he had been absolutely lame, for (about to lie down) he slid to the earth by his Staff; being on the ground, the first thing I took notice of; was the pitious distorting of his face into various forms, to stir up compassion in such as passed by him; to which he added, a most doleful noise to this effect; _For Gods sake some tender hearted Christians, cast through your merciful eyes one pittiful look upon a sore, lame, and miserable wretch: Bestow one penny or half-penny upon him that is ready to perish_, &c. I knew not how to tune my voice, for hearkening to him; which he observing (when all the people were passed by) he held up his stick at me, a strong argument of his great displeasure, which lest I might farther incur, I was forced to tone it out to some purpose. Night approaching, we left off begging, resolving to recreate our selves with what we had got: in the way home, I saw a very fine piece of Beef lying on a Butchers-stall, the woman that kept the shop, was telling a Gossips tale to her neighbour so intentively, as I thought I might seize on my prey, and she never the wiser; with that I boldly snatched it up; which an opposite neighbour perceiving, ran after me, and soon took me. I was brought back before the woman, who was so wise (forsooth) that she would not receive stollen goods, though they were her own; and so inraged she was, that nothing would serve her turn, but I must go before a Justice; and to add to my punishment, she made me carry the stollen Beef openly. Coming before his Worship, my accusation was read, aggravated by many feigned circumstances. The pitiful and sad calls of my eyes, were all the Rhetorick I used in my own vindication; which the merciful Justice perceiving, they were so prevalent, as to gain some favour from him; whereupon he ask’d the woman what she valued her Beef at? _Why_ (said she) _I would not have abated a penny of five shillings. Take heed what you say, good woman_, (said he) _for should you swear this, it is enough to hang him. O Lord, Sir_, (said she) _I would not hang him for a world_; then said his Worship, _You must prize it under thirteen pence half-penny_; whereupon the Butchers Wife was content to value it at eight pence. The price being set, the Beef was conveyed into the Justices Kitchin, and the woman put to her Oath; having sworn, my _Mittimus_ was made, and therewith sent to Prison. The woman now thought she should have her Beef surely, and without any danger in the reception, and therefore demanded it; but the Justice told her he would buy it of her, and so asked her what she would have for it: _Sir_, (said she) five shillings; I cannot afford it one farthing under. How, how! (said he) did you not swear but even now, it was worth but eight pence, and do you now talk of five shillings? A mear Cheat, Extortioner, &c. Make her _Mittimus_, (speaking to his Clerk) which so terrified the Woman, that she cried out most pitteously; good your Worship, do not send me to Prison, and do with me what you please. The Justice at this lookt stedfastly upon her (who was not so old but that he could discern a handsome woman when he faw her) and indeed generally your Butchers have jolly handsome Wives; otherwise they may be ashamed to serve seven years in handling and choosing good flesh for others, and at last know not how to make choice of a fine young plump juicie bit for themselves. I say, the Justice looking upon her, smiled, yet seemed to reprove her sharply, and at last pretended he had something to tell her he would not have every one hear, carried her into a withdrawing Room, where they staid not long but out she came and declared openly that she would never desire more justice done her, than that good and just Justice (as she called him) had shown her. And as I understood afterwards, he did her so much right, that she sent him in an half dozen of Bottles of Canary, and supt with him on her own flesh; I in the mean time wished them both choaked in the eating thereof; for never did _Roman Catholick_ endure greater and severer _pennance_ for eating flesh on _Good-friday_; then I for coveting this; I have lov’d a Capon the better for it ever since. For I was no sooner gotten out into the street, but I had a hundred people about me, crying which is the young Rogue; this, this is he said the Butcher, pretending to lay his hand upon my shoulder, but gave me a terrible nip by the ear, which made me roar out so loud and so suddenly unexpected, that my Gentleman Usher that was leading me by the arm to the _White Lyon_, starting, let go his hold. There was no dallying with so fair an opportunity, fear and love of sweet liberty so wing’d my feet, that running instantly hereupon, I was gotten presently a great way before them. The Harmanbeck, Huntsman or Constable seeing this, unable to run himself by reason of that great load of flesh he constantly carried about him, set a pack of young yelping Curs to track the scent, but they were soon all at a loss: and so I escapt their clutches.

CHAP. VIII.

_Whilst a Beggar what cunning tricks he invented to steal undiscovered, and how at last served, being caught _ipso facto_._

The next day I went into _Lincolns-Inn-fields_, where I saw a company of Rogues, cheats, Pick-pockets, &c., playing at Pidgeon holes (a game much practised there, and in More-fields, by such mischievious and lazie Rascals) growing very hungry, I singled out two or three of the fittest for my purpose in assisting or contriving Roguery; a little rising grass-plat was our counsil-table, where we consulted what stratagems would best take and were least known. Come Gentlemen said I (for the Liberal Science or antient profession they studied was enough to gentelize them) what money have yee, _sine Cerere & Baccho friget ingenium_, we must have good liquor that shall warm our bloods, enliven and unthaw our congealed spirits and make our inventions and fancies as nimble as lightning. Faith said one, I have but three pence; yet that you may see how well quallified I am for your company, I’le have money for you presently. He was not gone much above an half hour but merrily he came to us; sitting down he desired me to put my hand down his neck between his wascoat and shirt, which accordingly I did, but admired to groap out three rashers of Bacon, which I produced to the Company. Very importunate I was with him, to know what it meant, and how they came there. Give me attention (said he) and I will unravel this riddle thus. Walking along the streets leisurely, strictly eying any thing on which I might seize securely and advantageously: at length I saw a good pittiful old Woman (for so she seem’d to me by her countenance) selling Bacon, who I observ’d did put what money she took into a pocket made in her Apron. Upon this sight Fancy me thought suggested to me that her money was as already as surely mine as if I had already confin’d it close Prisoner in my leathern dungeon. And thus I wrought my design. Good Woman said I, (speaking in a whining tone,) how do you sell your Bacon a pound? Seven pence (said she,) whereupon I began a lamentable oration, telling her that I would willingly have half a pound but that I had but three pence; that my Master was a very cruel man, half starving his servants; come give me your money sirrah, she said, for once you shall have it so; weighing it, I desired her to cut it into slices and thrust it down my back; She asked my reason for it, I told her that my Master usually searcht me, and should he find any such thing in my pockets, he would half murther me. Alas poor boy (quoth the good old Woman) lean down thy head towards me, surely I will do thee that small kindness: whilst she was larding my back, I got my hands underneath her Apron, and with this short knife nipt of the bottom of her pocket, and thus have I done my part to procure yee both food and money. As I lookt on this as base ingratitude, so I could not but tacitely within myself, both condemn and abhorr such society, remembring the words of _Juvenal_.

_Ingratos ante omnia pone sodales._

Of all persons we should shun most the ingrateful. Neither could I forbear (though I was joyful of the purchase) to read him a publick lecture on his ingratitude; what (said I) shall we find gratitude in Beasts (as in the Lyon that was healed by _Andronicus_ in the wood, which afterwards saved his life in the Theater) and yet shall we be unthankful! I have read a story of an _Asp_ that was kept and nourished by an Husbandman at his own table, feeding him there dayly; at last she brought forth two young ones, one whereof poisoned the Husbandmans son, the old one (as my Author tells me) in the sight of the Father killed the offender and as if ashamed of his ingratitude departed the house with the other and was not seen after. I would have proceeded, but that they told me if I did, they would have no men of morals in their company, and so away we went to Beggars Hall, hard by, where we called lustily. Fearing we should spend all the money, I desired the company that some small portion might be left in my hands as a stock to trade on, which they consented to.

Having feasted our selves well, before we departed, the next days meeting was appointed, when and where. Against the time I had made a quantity of Serpents, Crackers, &c., and brought them with me. When first I show’d them, they all fell out a laughing to think I could improve our stock by such devices. Have but the patience to hear me (said I) and then condemn me if you see cause; Ever since I parted from you I have been racking my invention to find out some way whereby I might render my self both deserving of, and acceptable to your company, and I think this my first discovery will do it; I would have you _Jack_, _Tom_ and _Will_, take an equal quantity of Crackers and Serpents, and anon at night let us go into the Market, where each of you shall observe each of us: where ever we make a stand be sure you throw a Serpent, _&c._ at that very place; and then will we take the opportunity of the peoples confusion and fright, and so march off with what we can lay hands on. This plot was very well liked of by all. The evening approaching (it being near _November_) we went to put what I had contrived to execution. The first that was thrown was where I stood, which fell into the Basket on which a Market Woman sate, the Woman starting up to extinguish it, suddenly it bounced in her face, the smoak whereof and powder, for a little time so blinded her, that she could not see me walk off with a shoulder of Mutton, my comrades had the like success with a Pig and a Goose. Having done enough as we thought for that time, we went to a place of our acquaintance, where we had the Mutton, Pig, and Goose roasted, giving the Landlord the Pig for dressing, bread, and drink. We were so successful for the first, that we made several tryals afterwards not ineffectual. But in fine, I found the Proverb verified, _The pitcher goes not so often to the well, but that it comes home crackt at last_. One time I went, and having ordered them to do as they had done before, a Serpent came flying on the Womans stall where I stood and fell into her lap, which being brusht off, fell underneath her coats, and there burst, in the mean while I had gotten a loyn of Veal and was trooping off with it, the Woman missing it suspected me by my great haste, followed me and laying hands on me found her meat under my coat. O have I caught you Mr. Theif. Mistake not good Woman (said I) it is no such matter. For as I stood by your stall, the wildfire which some unhappy Knaves threw, so scared me, that having your meat in my hand at that time cheapning it, I was so frighted that I ran away with your Veal to shun the danger, forgetting to lay it down, wherefore pray take it again. Taking her meat, here is a pure excuse indeed (said she) but this shall not serve your turn, and with that, gave me two or three such blows on my chops, that I verily thought she had made me swallow half my teeth. Another that had heard our discourse takes me to task after this: Come sirrah, you love the flesh well, but ’tis fit you should pay for it. And it is but just if you will have my flesh, I should have some of yours. Up straight he snatcht his Knife, and holding me by the ear I verily thought he would have markt me as he used to do his calves. My crying and praying so far prevailed, that he only kickt me to his next Neighbour and so from one to another, so that though it cannot be said I ran the Gantlet, yet between the Pannyers on both sides, I was kickt the Gantlet from the Standard in _Cheapside_ to the conduit at the lower end thereof. This unhappy adventure made me betake my self to my old course of begging, resolving as yet not to deal in that trade I had litle experience in.

CHAP. IX.

_A Merchant seeing him begging, took a fancy to him, conducts him to his House, and entertains him as his Servant._

One day as I was begging, more fervently then formerly, having gotten not one penny that day, so that I found a civil war between my Guts and Stomack, yet knew not how to salve up the difference; neither would they hearken to any thing but a Bill of Fare. In the midst of this combustion, a Tradesman of no mean quality, passing by, took a strong fancy to me, being extraordinarily pleased with the form of my face and body. He asked me, Whence I came? what my Parents were? and what I intended? I answered him with well contriv’d forgeries, that seemed to give him good satisfaction: liking well both my speech and understanding, he bid me follow him, which accordingly I did; having conducted me to his house, he presented me to his Wife, my intended Mistris, telling her his resolutions of receiving me into his service; at which she blest her self, saying, _Prithee, Sweet-heart, from what Dunghil didst thou pick up this _Shakerag_, this Squire of the body? This thing drest up in sippits? This Scarecrow, what shall I call him?_ (for I am sure I had but few cloathes on, but what were rather fit to dung ground, then to be sent to the Paper-mill.) Said my Master, _Rest yourself satisfied, since it is my pleasure, this shall be so: neither can I give you any reason for my fancy_. Whereupon he commanded me to be stript, and well washed; in the mean time cloaths were provided for me, a suit of one of his Apprentices. A great Vessel like _Cornelius_ his Tub, was filled with water to bath me, but so cunningly set by the Maids, (though privately) that they might see me all over naked. It was my good fortune to observe my Mistress standing in a private place on purpose to see me dismantled; and after I was washed, she commended the whiteness of my skin and well-proportioned limbs; and by the consequent, approv’d within her self of something else, for I was then a stubbed Lad. Being new clothed, and raised to this unexpected fortune, how strangely did this vain blast puff up my empty pate! However, I was resolved to carry my self discreetly, lest I should overthrow the state I was then in, not yet well settled. Wherefore I behaved myself very respectfully towards my Master, and served him as punctually as I could, endeavouring that my service should requite his kindness in as great measure as my abilities could perform.