Part 4

_Imprimis_, That one of his Maids having crost me (to be reveng’d of her; knowing she was a drowsie wench, when asleep not easily wak’d) as she slept by the fire, I took my opportunity, to melt some glew, and gently toucht the closure of both her eye-lids with a pencil, which well I knew would lock up her sight. Against the time I intended to wake her I placed all about her Chairs and Stools. The Plot being ripe, I pretended her Mistress called; The wench starting up running and rubbing of her eyes turn’d topsie turvy over the chairs, getting up the ingag’d her self with the stools and so entangled her self therein, that indeavouring to free her self her coats acted the parts of Traytors in discovering the hidden secrets and _Arcanas_ belonging to her sex, and that with much satisfaction I had seen the execution of my revenge. That this wench could not be perswaded by any means, but that as a judgement she was stricken blind for some sin she had committed privately, which then her conscience did whisper in her ear; and undoubtedly had turn’d Lunatick had she not been speedily restored to her sight by taking off the glew, which was done with much difficulty. That he going about to correct me for this unlucky and mischievous fact, was by me shown a very _Shitten trick_, which put him into a _stinking condition_, for having made my self laxative on purpose squirted into his face upon the first lash given. That being upon boys backs, ready to be whipt, I had often bit holes in their ears. That another time sirreverencing in a paper, and running to the window with it, which lookt out into the yard, my aged Mistress looking up to see who opened the Casement, I had like to have thrown it into her mouth; however for a time deprived her of that little sight she had left, that another time I had watcht some lusty young Girls, that used in Summer nights about twelve a clock to wash themselves in a small brook near adjacent, and that I had concealed my self behind a Bush, and when they were stript, took away their cloaths, making them dance home after me stark naked to the view of their sweet hearts whom I had planted in a place appointed for that purpose, having given them before notice of my design. A great many more such tricks he recounted which he knew, but not the tenth of what he knew not. As for example, on _Christmass-day_, we had a pot of Plumb-broth. I askt the Maid to give me a taste to see how I lik’d them, _I that I should_, she said (this was the Maid I had so serv’d before with glew) and with that takes up a ladle full and bid me sup, she holding the ladle in her own hand, I imprudently opening my mouth somewhat larger then I should she poured down the scalding pottage through my throat: at present I could not tell the jade (that laught till she held her sides) how I lik’d them; but I verily believ’d I had swallowed the _Gunpowder-Plot_, expecting every moment to be _blown up_. I took as little notice of this passage as possibly I could, resolving to retalliate her kindness when she least thought on’t. I observed the maid to carry this plum-pottage pot into the yard, and taking notice that the weight of the Jack was in the same yard, wound up a great height under a small pent-house, the Jack being down I suddenly removed the weight, and fastned the pot to the line, so going into the Kitching, wound it up to the top, and then stopt it, for the meat was taken up. The house was all in an uproar instantly about the Pot, every one admiring what should become of it: The Maid averred that she saw it even now, and none could remove it but the Devil. Others asserted (which were infected with _Puritanism_) that it was a Judgment shown for the superstitious observation of that festival day; but the next day, roasting Meat, this seeming miracle vanished by the descending of the pot fastened to the Jack-line. Another time my Master had reserved in his Garden some choise Aprecocks, not above an half-score; which he purposed for some friends that intended to visit him shortly: The daily sight of this delicate fruit, being forbidden, tempted me more strongly to attempt their rape; but I made choice of an impropitious hour to accomplish my design in; for my master looked out of his window and saw me gather them, though he knew not absolutely whether it was I or no. Whereupon; he instantly summoned us together, being met, I quickly understood his intention: therefore I conveyed the Aprecocks into the next boys pocket, I had no sooner done it, but we were commanded to be searched; I was very forward to be the first though I was most suspected, but none was found about me, so that I was acquitted. But to see with what amazement the poor boy gazed, when they were discovered about him, how strangely he looked, distorting his face into several forms, produced laughter even from my incenc’d Master, but real pity from me, for he was severely whipped for that Crime I my self committed. I could recite many more such like childish Rogueries, did I not fear I should be tedious in their relation, and burden the Reader with juvenile follies; fore I shall return where I left off. Whilst my Mother was in a serious consultation with her Reason, how she should dispose of me, I had not patience to wait the result, but gave her the slip, resolved to run the risk of Fortune, and try whether mine own endeavours would supply my necessities.

CHAP. IV.

_How he ran from his Mother, and what courses he steered in one whole years Ramble._

It was in _August_ when I undertook this my Knight-errantry; the fairness of the Season much favoured my enterprise: thinking I should always enjoy such weather, and never be pincht with necessity, I went on very couragiously. The first dinner I made was on Blackberries and Nuts, esteemed by me very delicious fare at first, which delighted me so much the more, having not my liberty controul’d. When night approached it seemed very uncouth & strange, finding instead of a feather-bed, no other thing to lie on but a _Haycock_, and no other _coverlid_ but the _Canopy of Heaven_. But considering with my self that I had no task to con over night, nor fear of over-sleeping my self next morning, and so be fetcht to School by a Guard of my fellow Schollars with a Lanthorn and Candle, though the Sun appear’d at that time in his full lustre; I laid my self down and slept profoundly, not without some affrighting dreams: The last was of the Cat of Nine Tails, which my Master laid so home me thought that the smart thereof made me cry out, and so I awaked; as then the early Larke, the winged Herald of the morning, had not with her pretty warbling Notes, summon’d the bright watchmen of the Night to prepare for a retreat; neither had _Aurora_ opened the Vermillion Oriental Gate, to make room for Sols radiant Beams, to dissipate that gloomy darkness that had muffled up our Hemisphere in obscurity. In the morning I went on in my progress as the day before; then began a shower of tears to fall from my eyes, considering how I had left my disconsolate, and almost heart-broken Mother, lamenting my loss, and fearing what fatal courses I might take: it was no less trouble to me to think that I was travelling I knew not whither, moneyless, having nothing but hazel, and Brambles to address my self for the appeasing of hungers approaching gripes. Now me thought I began to loath my aforenamed _Manna_, Blackberries, Nuts, Crabs, Bullies, _&c._, and longed to taste of the _Flesh-pots_ again, but the _Devil a bit_ could I get but what the hedges afforded me. All day I thus wandred about, not daring to come near any Town, having had such bad success in the last when I first rambled, and now night came on, which put me in mind of procuring a lodging somewhat warmer than the other. A Barn presently offered it self to my sight, which I accosted, and without delay or fear, entred into the inchanted Castle, where I found accommodations for the most faithful and valiant Knight that ere strode Saddle for Ladies sake. Here might I take my choice of variety of fresh straw, but my weariness would not permit to complement my good fortune one jot, and I so tumbled over head and ears; I had not lain there above an hour before I heard a noise, and peeping out of the straw, being in a great fear, I saw a many strange Creatures come into the Barn, for the day was not yet shut in. My thoughts presently reminded me, that I had heard talk of Hobgoblings, Fairies and the like, and judged these no other; and that which confirmed me in this belief, was their Garb and talking to one another in a Language I understood not, (but since, I understand it to be Canting.) I lay still as long as my fear would permit me, but they surrounding me, I was not able to contain my self longer, but cryed out aloud, _Great God have mercy on me, and let not these Devils devour me_; and with that, started out from among them: They amazed as much as I, ran for it too, leaving their children behind them, every one esteeming him the happiest man which was the foremost. I looking behind me, seeing them following me, imagined these Devils ran upon all four, and having started their game were resolved to hunt a sinful Leveret to death: Concluding them long-winded Hell-hounds, I judgd praying a safer way than flying, and so fell instantly on my knees: The _Gypsies_ quickly overtook me, and finding me in that posture, soon understood whence their fear proceeded. They then spoke to me in a Language I understood, bidding me not be afraid; but I had heard the Devil was a Lyar from the beginning, therefore I would not believe them. They would have rais’d me from my devotion, telling me it was enough, and that made me suspect them the more; thinking they designed to get me out of a praying posture, that they might have the more power of me. Nothing prevailing with me, they vowed and protested they would not injure me in the least, and if I would go along with them, I should share as deliciously as they did, this was a potent argument to perswasion, and so I agreed to go along with them back again. All their cry was now for _Rum-booz_ (_i. e._) for Good Liquor. Their Captain not induring to hear so sad a Complaint, and not endeavour the supplying the want complained of, immediately commanded out four able Maunders, (Beggars) ordering them to stroule (wander) to the next Town, every one going apart. Some Countrey-men gave them drink fearing they might fire the houses in the night, out of revenge, others (out of the more ignorant sort) thought they could command infernal spirits, and so harm them that way, or else bewitch their Cattle, and therefore would not deny them: in so much, that in a short time these four return’d laden with bub and food. It was presently placed in the middle of us, who sate circularly; then out came the Woodden dishes, every one provided but my self, but I was soon suppli’d by a young Rum-Mort that sate next me intended for my sporting mate. A health went round to the Prince of _Maunders_, another to the Great Duke of _Clapperdogeons_, a third to the Marquess of _Doxy Dells_, & _Rum Morts_, a fourth, to the Earl of _Clymes_; neither did we forget, _Haly_, _Abbas_, _Albumazar_, _Arcandam_, with the rest of the Waggoners, that strive who shall be principal in driving _Charles_ his Wain. Most part of the night we spent in Boozing, pecking rumly or wapping, that is drinking, eating, or whoreing, according to those termes they use among themselves. Jealousie was a thing they never would admit of in their Society, and to make appear how little they were tainted therewith, the males and females lay promiscuously together, it being free for any of the Fraternity to make choice of what _Doxie_ he liked best, changing when he pleased. They plyed me so oft with their _Rum-booz_ (as they called it) and pleased me so well in giving me a young Girle to dally with, who (though in Rags, and with a skin artificially discolloured tawny) yet I was not so ignorant, as not to understand good flesh, and what properties went to the compleating a votaress for _Venus_ service. I was so tickled in my fancy with this pretty little wanton Companion, that for her sake, I was very well content to list my self one of that Ragged Regiment. And that which added to the induceing me to this resolution, was my want of money, and what I suffered in those two foregoing hard dayes fare among the Nut Trees. I first acquainted my _Doxie_ with my intent, who glad to hear thereof, gave it vent, and broacht it to the rest, who unanimously with joy imbraced me; and to gratify my inagravation _tipt_ to each other a Gage of _Booz_, and so went round. The fumes of drink had now ascended into their brain, wherefore they _coucht a Hogs-head_, and went to sleep.

CHAP. V.

_Wherein he relates what manner of People they were in whose Society he entered himself, division of their Tribes, Manners, Customes, and Language._

As soon as I had resolv’d to travel the Country with them, they fitted me for their company by stripping me, and selling my proper garments, and cloathing me in rags, which they pinn’d about me, giving a stitch here and there, according as necessity required. We used not when we entered our _Libkin_ or Lodging to pull off our clothes; which had I been forced to do, I could never have put them on again, nor any, but such who were accustomed to produce _Order_ out of a _Babel of Rags_. Being now _ale mode Taterdemallion_, to compleat me for their purpose, with green Walnuts they so discoloured my face, that every one that saw me, would have sworn I was the true Son of an _Egyptian_. Before we marched on, let me give you an account of our Leaders, and the rancks we were disposed in. Our chief Commander was called by the name of _Ruffeler_, the next to him _Upright-man_, the rest in order thus:

_Hookers_, (alias) _Anglero_. _Priggers of Prancers._ _Pallyards._ _Fraters._ _Prigges._ _Swaddlers._ _Curtals._ _Irish toyle._ _Swigmen._ _Jarkemen._ _Patri-Coes._ _Kitchin-Coes._ _Abram men._ _Whip-Jacks._ _Counterfeit-Cranks._ _Dommerars._ _Glymmerers._ _Bawdy-Baskets._ _Autem-Morts._ _Doxies._ _Dells._ _Kitchin-Morts._

We Muster’d above threescore old and young, and because we were too great a company to March together, we were divided into three Squadrons. The first Squadron that led the Van, was ordered by our Commander, to stick up small boughs all the way they went, that we might know what course they steer’d. For like Wild Fowl we fly one after another, and though we are scattered like the _quarters_ of a _Traitor_, yet like water when cut with a Sword, we easily came together again. As the _Switzer_ hath his Wench and his Cock with him when he goes to Wars: or like a _Scotch Army_, where every Soldier almost hath the _Geud Wife_ & the _Bearns_ following him: So we had every one his _Doxie_ or Wench, who carried at her back a _Lullaby-cheat_, & it may be another in her Arms. When they are weary of carrying them, they take their turnes to put them in a pair of Panniers, like green Geese going to Market, or like Fish in Dossers coming from _Rye_. Where note, that each division hath a small Horse or two, or else Asses to ease them of their burdens. Some of us were clad Antickly with Bells and other toys, meerly to allure the Country people unto us, which most commonly produced their desired effects. In some places they would flock unto us, in great quantities, and then was our time to make our Markets. We pretended an acquaintance with the Stars (as having an alliance to the _Egyptian Magi_, the founders of Astrologick Art) and that the Ministers of Fate were our Familiars, and so possessing these poor ignorant people with a belief, that we could tell their fortunes by inspection into either hands or faces; whil’st we were seriously looking thereon, one of our _diving Comrades_ pickt their pockets, or with a short sharp knife, and a horn on the thumb _nipt_ their _bungs_. By asking the silly milk Maids questions, we gathered from their own mouths the properest resolutions, then they would admire, and in their admiration tremble to hear the Truth proceed from the mouth of such as were strangers to their actions, by which means, among some we gained a great respect, accompanied with fear. Did not Astrologers make use of such stratagems, they could never acquire so much repute among the judicious, as well as vulgar capacities. And because it falls in so pat to my present purpose, I shall beg so much patience from the Reader, as to give him a brief account of some fallacies, some _Star-gazing Impostors_ use to work their own ends, and delude credulous people. One whereof I knew, who raised his credit (and since a considerable estate) upon the Basis of good intelligence. He kept a servant, who constantly attended below for the reception of such who came for satisfaction in the Astrological Resolution of questions. This mans Office was to tell the Querent, _That his Master was busie above, about some grand concern, but if the Person would be pleased to wait a little while, till that business was dispatched he questioned not but that his Master would render him a satisfactory account of what he demanded_, adding farther (to infuse into him faith, to credit what he said) _that though report had spoken largely_, (and yet nothing but what this Artist hath merited) _yet all came far short of his real desert, having done such stupendious things, that must needs (without injustice) be commemorized to Eternity, and admired by future ages_. In the mean time, this servant endeavoured to pump out of the Proponent what he came about, which being understood, he gave information to his Master, by so many times ringing of a Bell. This Item being given, the Querent is called up, and before ever he can frame his mouth to propound his question, this profound Artist prevents him, saying, _I know what you come about Sir, (therefore save your self the labour to tell me that which I know already) you have lost a Watch, a Horse; or you would know how you shall prosper in such a business, whither Marriage or an Imployment; or any such like common question_. This makes the Artist to be wondered at; and then erecting a Scheme, positively and surlily tells him what he must expect, and that he may give answers more exactly concerning stolen goods, he was in constant fee with _Thief-takers_, who from time to time, made him a report of what persons were robbed, what the things were, and many times gave him a description of the Fellon. By these practises men believed every word he delivered to be an Oracle; so that his Chamber was daily so thronged with the report of people, that in a short time his ambition pricked him on to purchases, with the money he had gained thus fallaciously. One story, very remarkable, I shall add, and then crave your pardon for this my digression. One day a young Gentleman (but of a mean estate) came to him, who was more credulous than wise, and more inquisitive then prudent; and having not that wealth which his _prodigality_ required, desired instructions what course he was best to steer to arrive at the Port of his wishes and hopes: viewing him narrowly, he perceived him to be a man of a sweet complexion, and a body well proportioned; and therefore judged him a fit subject for Female fancies to work upon. _Sir_, (said he) _I shall give you my best advice, but I shall crave your patience for a little while; for a matter of this weight must not precipitately be undertaken: wherefore if you please to see me to morrow, what lies in me shall be at your service._ Being just gone it happened that a _Stale Maid_, who had more money than beauty, & less discretion than lechery, came to be resolv’d of him, _When she should be married_: (for it seems by the sequel she could tarry no longer:) viewing her well, (though she knew not him) he knew her to be wealthy, and nearly related to persons of quality. _Madam_, (said he) _I shall endeavour your satisfaction_; and so withdrew into his closet. Having staid a while bringing out his Figure, and with much gravity looking thereupon, he thus unridled the mysterious meaning of the Celestial Bodies. _Madam, You never was much troubled with the importunate suits of amorous Visitants_, (this he gathered from the deformity of her Physiognomy) _they all knowing your indifferency to change your condition, but upon considerable grounds; by which means you have almost frustrated what the Stars have designed for you. I hope it is but almost_, (said she) _not altogether_: for it troubled her very much to hear she should leave the world without tasting the sweets of a married life. _No_, (he replied) _for if to-morrow by four of the clock in the Afternoon, you go into _Moor-fields_, & take a turn or two in the _Userers-walk_, you shall there meet with a person rich & handsome, that at first sight shall fall extreamly in love with you; slight him not, neither deny him his conjugal proposal; if you do, it will be too late to hope for an husband. You shall distinguish him from others by these signs: His Complexion is fair, his Eye sharp and piercing, his Hair flaxen, of a middle Stature._ Her joy had like to have transported her beyond the bounds of modesty, which she could not conceal, but made it appear in a pecuniary expression of her gratitude for such welcome tidings; and so promising him to follow his counsel, she took her leave. The next morning the young Gallant came, who had his lesson given him: but before he went, he made him give a Bond of 200_l._ to be paid upon the day of his marriage with that Gentlewoman; which he gladly consented to, and paid that very sum within ten days after, for according to the directions was given him, he met with that Gentlewoman describ’d to him, as he had been before to her, who at the first sight of each other, was incapable of containing themselves, but mutually embrac’d (after three or four words past) as if he had been her (_quondam_) Dearly Beloved, returned from some long Voyage, and went not to their respective lodgings till their Marriage was consummated. But to return where I left off.