Part 25

Our Crew having been abroad, we had got a valuable Purchase; which after we had divided, I told them, that I would but visit a friend at _Oxford_, and repair to them again within two or three days. My old Acquaintance being overjoy’d to see me, after so long absence, treated me very gallantly, introducing me into the society of the Wits; who would frequently drink too, till they had lost them. The Company pleased me so well, that I thought it a solecism in civility to be sober, when they made any appointment for mirth; and they being true _Bacchanalians_, in the uppermost Classes of _Aristippus’s_ School, scorn’d to be outvy’d by a junior Sophister; and therefore, do what I could, they would be drunk before me: they never contended about any argument that tended to ebriety, but swallowed them all. I thought they would never have done speaking of Sack; every one endeavouring who should express most in its praise. One said, _That Diogenes was but a dry fellow_; and the only reason he could give for it, was, _That it is shrewdly suspected by the Commentators on his Tub, that that wooden-house of his was given him by a Beer-brewer, who being a enemy to all good wits and learning, gave him this Cask, which formerly had contained that pernicious liquor, Beer, that by the meer scent he might destroy his understanding_. But _Bacchus_ is so witty a Philosopher, that he never fails, night nor day, to pour forth his instructions, till he hath filled his auditors out of measure; it is he that makes us speak fluently, and utter our minds in abundance: for my part, I am commonly so overjoyed in his company, that I have often feared I should never be my own man again. Said another, It is Sack was the _Promethean_ fire, not stoln from _Jove’s_ Kitchin, but his Wine-cellar, to increase the native heat, without which we are but cold clay; but that celestial liquor applyed even to the dead, will cause a revivification: this is it which gave _Ganymede_ beauty, and _Febe_ youth. Can you think, that ever _Aristotle_ would have been taken notice of, had he drank Ale or Beer; or, that _Alexander_’s conquests had been heard of, had he been sober? therefore to make his Captains famous to posterity, he taught them how to muster Quarts and Pottles, and by accustoming them to be dead-drunk, shewed them the way to contemn death. All this is true (said another, so drunk, that what he spake could hardly be understood) but pray take my opinion with you too: do not all light things ascend? what better way is there to understand high matters, then a light head? _Copernicus_ by the lightness of his head, claimed alliance with heaven, and by that first found out the motion of the earth; which he could never have done, had not Sack been his instructor. Hence grew the Proverb, _In vino veritas_, as if Sack were the only Butt truth shoots at, the piercing of which causeth the other to be drawn out with it. For my part Gentlemen, said I, my passion was never more stirred then the other day, comming by a red-lettice, unto which I have a natural antipathy: there did I hear a Tapster aver, that _Helicon_ was nothing more then an Hogs-head of March-beer, and that _Pegasus_ was anciently a Dray-horse; and then speaking of _French_ wine, in derision, called him frisking _Monsieur_; and the _Spanish, Don Rhodomontado_; swearing that if ever he met with either, he would challenge all the Drawers in the Town to dash him as he would. Then tumbling out two or three small-beer oaths, he wisht that he might never look through his red-lettice Percullice, if he did not verily believe he should see _Monsieur_ burn’d with a pox to him, and _Spanish Don_ mull’d to death with butter and eggs.

_It is a thing beyond my reason, That we strong Ale for Sack should quit, Since ’twould have blown us up by treason, Had not Ale bestirr’d our wit: Then give us Ale, but banish Sack; That _Spanish Don_ must have the rack._

I could do no less for his malepertness, but broach his Hogs-head, which to convince him of his error, ran Terse Claret: I heard afterwards, this accident converted the Infidel. We spun out various discourses of this nature, as long as we could see, and then each man reel’d to his respective lodging. The next morning, walking abroad to finde out some of my last nights associates, unfortunately my _Chester_-Landlord (who having some business to do in _Oxford_, was newly come thither to dispatch it) espy’d me, and without accosting me (like a subtile Sophister) watcht me whither I went: being housed, he presently fetcht two Officers, and coming out into the street napt me. I sent to those friends that had been so merry with me ever since my coming to that City; but they understanding the business, came not neer me; one pretending indisposition of body; another, that he was not within; a third, that he was about urgent occasions, which having finisht, he would wait upon me; but in fine, none came to my relief, shewing themselves right pot-companions, whose courtesies it may be, shall extend to the payment of a Reckoning, when their friend wants it to discharge it himself; but disappear and vanish, when their assistance is implored to draw him out of Prison. Seeing no remedy, I patiently suffer’d my self to be confined. My adversary visiting me, I treated with him about my releasment, offering him what I had, which was neer upon half; but his resolution was to have all, or there I must lie. Though I could not much condemn him, yet I could not but complain against the inconstancy of Fortune; and ruminating within my mind the miseries that attend all sorts of prisons, I judged that of Debt to be the most deplorable; and though I wanted liberty, which commonly doth depress the mind, yet by the vertue of Canary (which I could not be without) my fancy scorned to be fetter’d, but would in spite of fate, use her freedom. ’Tis some kind of pleasure and comfort, for a man sometimes in adversity, to descant on his own miserable condition; which because I found experimentally true, I applied my self to my usual custom, the use of my pen, differencing these Metropolitan Prisons thus:

_To _Bedlam_ men are sent bereft of wit; When ’tis restored, then they are freed from it: Confin’d to _Newgate_ long, men can’t complain, For once a month they’re cleer’d from it and pain; In a short time their Bolts wear off, and then They may be sure ne’re to come there agen; Discharged thence their fettered souls shall be, Only an hour confin’d, and then set free. _Bridewell_, no wiseman yet did e’re dispraise thee, For thou dost feed the poor, correct the lazy; The expiration of a little time, Forgives offenders, and forgets their Crime. Hereafter from the Prison, Heav’n defend me; Rather to _Bedlam_, _Newgate_, _Bridewel_, send me; For there Wit, Work, or Law doth set men free, Nothing but Money here gets liberty._

Having lain here above a week, I sent away a Letter to my Brethren, informing them of my misfortune, and acquainting them with the sum I was imprisoned for; which was sent me by them, and brought by one of our trusty Knights: paying my Debts and Fees, I returned again to them.

CHAP. LII.

_He returns to his Brethren the Knights of the _Road_, whom he finds with two or three Gentlemen, strangers; he cheats one of them of a very fair and rich Watch._

My Companions took little notice of me at my return, which made me think there was some design in hand; but according to their usual course, fell to drink high: observing two or three faces, I tipt a wink to one of my Brethren, being in another room; I asked him, who they were; he replied, Gentlemen that were travelling into the _North_; to which he added, We have been pumping them (ever since we did thrust our selves into their company) to know what store of Cash they had about them; but we find little more then will defray their necessary expences on the Road; only, said he, there is one of them hath a very rich Watch: I bid him return to his place, and I would warrant him to have it before he stirred. I came in again to the company, not taking the least cognizance of any, but shewed much respect and civility to them all, as a stranger; I purposely askt what it was a clock: one of the Gentlemen, and of my friends both, pulled forth their Watches, striving who should first give me satisfaction to my question; after this, they viewed interchangeably the workmanship of one & the other, both praising the seeming goodness of each others Watch. At last my friend makes a proposition; Come, Sir, if you please we will make an exchange upon sentence and repentance. The stranger desired to understand his meaning: Why, Sir, said he, we will commit them both into the hands of any one indifferent person, and what difference he shall judge there is between them, shall be given in money by him whose Watch is least worth. It was concluded upon; but they could not agree into whose hands to put them. At last it was mutually agreed upon between them, that I being a stranger to them both, should be the decider: I seemingly refused it, but they would not hear me alledge any arguments to the contrary; whereupon I went out, and immediately causing my horse to be brought forth, without the least delay I mounted, and away I rid. My Comrades knew where to meet me at the next stage. The next morning they found me out, telling me how they all stormed to be so cheated, to avoid suspition: and now did they all embrace me, promising to themselves great hopes in me from this adventure.

CHAP. LIII.

_He puts a notable Trick upon a Physician._

Near adjacent to our general randezvous, I was informed of the habitation of a wealthy Physician, who had shewed himself fortunately expert in divers Cures, where it seemed that humane art had not sufficient power to give a remedy. The fame of his great skill, and of many admirable cures, which to the shame of other Physicians, he had performed, made him so generally beloved and sought after, that in a short time he purchased by his sanatory industry, above 500 _l._ _per annum_, and seldom had less by him then a thousand pound. Thus much I casually understood from one accidentally, speaking of this his rich Neighbour: but that which pleased me most was, that (as he said) he seldom carried less then an 100 pieces of gold about him constantly, proceeding from a fancy derived from an extream love he bore that Metal. I could not sleep for contriving a way how I might disembogue this Urinal of what it contained: sometimes I way-laid him in his return; but he was so well esteemed of, that he seldom returned home without two or three Gentlemen to accompany him. At another time I thought to have pretended some distemper, and so have applied my self to him for Cure; and imagining that he would privately discourse with me about my Malady, that then I would present a Pistol to his breast, swearing, that should be his immediate and unavoidable Executioner, if he did not without the least noise or resistance, deliver such a quantity of Gold; but this way I could not approve of, it being accompanied with so much hazard. At last I thought of this stratagem, which safely produced its effect: One day after dinner I rid to his house (seemingly) in extream haste, which he might perceive not only by my own affrighted looks, but by my horse, which was all of a foam. I askt his servant, with much quickness, whether Mr. Doctor was within; yes, Sir, (said he) if you please to walk in, I shall call him to you. I waited some time (for most of that profession must take some state upon them) and then Mr. Doctor came. Sir, (said I) the report of your great experience in your happy Practice hath brought me hither, humbly imploring your assistance, and that instantly, if you have any respect to the preservation of life: the trouble I shall put you to, shall be gratefully recompensed to the utmost of my ability. The Doctor inquired of me, whom it was, and what manner of distemper the person laboured under. I readily told him, it was my Wife, who for some continuance of time, had been extreamly troubled with the flux of her Belly; the more that is applied to it by us, the more it increaseth; wherefore, our help failing, I beseech you lend us yours, and favour me so far as to ride with me to her. The seeming sincerity of my words prevailed upon him, as they would have done upon the most distrustful. This Doctor (who as I was informed, was accustomed to be induced more by gain, then fair words) gave me this desirable answer: Sir, far be it from me that I should refuse to do my endeavour to any person whatever, much less to a Gentleman of your rank and quality, in that little skill which I have in the knowledge and practice of Physick: if I can effect any thing for the good of the good Gentlewoman your Wife, I will attend you thither with a very good will, which at any time my charge requireth. Without attending any further discourse, his horse was made ready, and so we rid away together. As we rid through a small Wood, leading him the way, I turned my horse about, and clapt a Pistol to his breast, shewing him withal an empty bag: See here, Sir, (said I) my Wife, which hath a long time been troubled with a flux or vomiting, which you please, the last I think more proper; for she no sooner receives anything for her (and my) sustenance, but she immediately brings it up again at her mouth. Now Sir, if you do not find out some means to mitigate this distemper (the cure I shall never expect, as knowing it impossible) this Pistol shall send you to _Æsculapius_, to consult with him what is most fit to be administred: come, Sir, let me advise you, and save your self the trouble of so long a journey; your gold (an hundred pieces as I am told) are the constant attending Esquires of your body; I say, that is the best and only _Recipe_ for a remedy. The Doctor perceiving there was no help, in much amazement and fear delivered me what gold he had about him, which was neer upon the sum exprest: there was a rich Diamond-Ring on his finger, which I desired him likewise to give me, which should serve for a perpetual _memorandum_ of his kindness to me. I commanded him, as he tendred his life, to ride back again, without so much as once looking behinde him; and that if he offered to raise the Country, if I was sure to die that instant, I would be the death of him first. The Doctor followed my dictations so exactly, that I never heard more of him.

CHAP. LIV.

_He falls in love with a wealthy Widow, who is poetically inclined; he courts her, and in a short time enjoys her, and after that ingratefully leaves her, carrying away what ready money she had._

Having gained so much money by my own industry and sole procurement, I resolved neither to acquaint my Brethren therewith, nor associate my self any longer with them, being so encouraged by this success, that I concluded I might atchieve gallant things by my self: being belated one night, & some miles from any town, I knockt at an house that stood in my road, imagining it at first a publick house for entertainment; one of the servants coming to the door, I found it no such thing: she demanded my business: Prithee sweet heart (said I) acquaint your Master, that there is a Gentleman requests the civility of a nights lodging: she goes in and informs her Mistress what I said; who came to me with much respect, telling me, She questioned not but I was a Gentleman, and therefore should be welcome to the mean accommodation she was capable of shewing. I rendred her many thanks, and so alighted; strict order was given to the Groom, that he very carefully lookt after my horse: this being done, I was conducted into a very fair room; there did I make my apology in the best Rhetorick I had, for I perceived she was endued with ingenuity, by the quaintness of her expressions; _Ex pede Herculem_: Many things I forged, as that the ways being dangerous, I was fearful to adventure any farther, having a great charge upon me. Such was her urbanity, that laying aside all niceties, she bore me company till it was time to go to bed, entertaining me all this while with what the house afforded, which was beyond my expectation. Every glass of wine, or bit almost, that I committed to my mouth, she ushered thither with some Apothegm or other: the whole series, indeed, of her discourse, was composed of nothing but reason or wit, which made me admire her; which she easily understood, I perceived by her smiles, when she observed me gaping, as it were, when she spoke, as if I would have eaten up her Words. As her soul was beautiful, sparkling with celestial ornaments, so was the caskanet that contained it very fair, and enricht with Natures chiefest gifts: She was very clear skin’d, well bodied; a sharp piercing eye, a proportionable face, an exceeding small and white hand; and then she lispt a little, which became her so well, that methought it added a grace to the rest of her internal and external qualifications. Being about ten o’clock, she advised me to repose my self, supposing I was weary. I condescended, though with much regret to leave her so soon; but good manners would not permit me to do otherwise. She conducted me to my Chamber, where bidding me good night, she betook her self to her own Chamber. That night I could hardly sleep, not so much for pure love, as the heat of lust; next morning, very early, I heard her stirring, which made me wonder; but she told me afterwards, that she got up so soon, fearing I should have gone away, and she not take her leave of me. About eight in the morning, the Maid brought me up a Sack-posset; and a little after, her Mistress came, courteously saluting me, and enquiring how I slept: I return’d an answer, in as handsom terms I could utter: her eyes plainly discovered to mine, that she had more then a common respect for me. Having left me a while, I arose, and made my self ready for my journey: after several discourses which she had ingaged me in, purposely to delay time, with much gratitude I took my leave, she attending me to the court: my horse being brought out, halted down-right (she had caused him to be prickt in the foot, to the intent I might stay longer.) Not knowing what to say or do, Well, Sir, said she, since the unhappy accident hath fallen out so unexpectedly, make use of my house, & what is in it, till your horse be recover’d of his lameness. This was a proposition that my soul longed for; wherefore I could not but shew much satisfaction in the acceptation of this proffer. We walkt in again, & prosecuted for diversion sake our former discourse, interlining it with some love-touches at a distance, which she would frequently descant on pleasantly. We in this short time became intimately acquainted; which need not be much wondred at, considering the greatness of sympathy between us; so that now the conquest of her appeared not any ways difficult. Having talkt ourselves weary, Come, said she in a very familiar manner, I will shew you the product of some idle hours; and with that brought me several Epitaphs, Elegies, Anagrams, Anacrosticks, Epigrams, _&c._ of her own composition, too many here to relate; but for their wit, deserved to have each line characterized in gold; some I would here insert, were not the radiant lustre of her conceits so great and glorious, that they would absolutely extinguish the dim-sightedness of my fancy. Having viewed them, I could not but applaud them, as their due merit; and I was glad I had this happy occasion to vent my own thoughts, which I tacitly insinuated in these lines, reflecting on her from what I had read.

_Sisters thrice three I’ve read of, and no more, Till your quick wit compleated half a Score: Since you are one, let me perswade you then, Be kind to me, for they are kind to men. Dearest, be like them, they are soft and blithe; Let who will love the nine, give me the tithe._