Part 24

How can that _Tyrant_ flourish in his Commonwealth, when the foundation of his Reign was built on the Sepulchre of the right and lawful Heir he murther’d? And how can that man prosper, whose rise he rear’d from other mens ruines? Such was I, who having oftentimes been gulled by Knaves, turned Knave my self, and did as greedily hunt after such I could make a prey of, (to repair the damages I had sustain’d by others) as the devil doth after Usurers souls, being on their death-beds, resolving to live like a Bandite on the spoil. Like an old Souldier having been beaten to the world, (or indeed more properly, beaten by the world) I began to summon up all my senses and my idle brains to a strict account, how to get that up again, my riot and folly had spent; and thinking I had no way to recover my self, but by what ruined me, I did cast about me, and fished after this manner. I prepared my lines, provided baits, and made ready my hooks, which had such constant and firm barbs, that after I had struck a Gudgeon in the gills, I was sure to hold him, though I suffer’d him to play a little in the stream. The Flouds I daily frequented, were either the Temple, Ordinaries, Play-houses, Cock-pits, Brothels, or Taverns, leaving no place unsearch’d, wherein there might be any thing worthy a Bait. If such I found, like a shadow I was never from his heels, but followed him close, especially if he was a young Country-Gentleman, whom his father had sent up to see fashions in the Citie: and rather then he should go out as raw as he came in, I failed not to season him in one of the Cities Powdering-Tubs. First, I made it my business to know what his father allowed him; then would I study his natural disposition and inclination, and accordingly sute my self to him, so that by my behaviour towards him, he should look upon me to be his _Masculine Sweet-heart_, his bosom-friend, and that like _Hippocrates_ twins we must needs live and die together. Having accordingly by much sweat and industry adapted and fitted him to my humour and purpose, and wrought him to such a soft and waxen temperature, that I could make what impression I pleased on him, I brought him acquainted with some of my accomplices, who all vail’d bonnet to him, invited him from Tavern to Tavern, not letting him expend a peny; or if he wanted money, I would supply him with four or five pound. This Innocent (not having yet scented the Citie-air) all this while thinks himself in _Elysium_, fancying he enjoys more delights then the _Turks Paradise_ affords; and withal imagineth himself not a little graced, to be entertained among such seeming Gallants. For my Rogues (give me the liberty to call them so) lookt on it as the greatest piece of policie to wear good cloaths, though their pockets were worse furnished then a Chandlers box, that seldom hath any greater money in it, then Two-pence, Three-pence, Groats, _&c._ Sometimes my Cully did meet with some that knew me, who would advise him to have a care of me, and not to keep me company, for I was a dangerous person, and in the end would be his ruine. Whereas it was but to little purpose: for when youth is in its full vigour, and height of desire, neither wholesome counsel, nor lamentable examples, will give them warning of their future destruction. Still I continued my seeming respects and kindnesses to him, which I onely intended as the _Præludium_ or Prologue to that Play which was to come after: for my Country _Cock-brain_ being honeyed with these sweet delights, thought that whatever he could return, was notable to give an answerable satisfaction. Watching a fit opportunity, (when he was well warm’d with Wine) then would I perswade him, (which was no difficult matter) to be bound with me for so much, _&c._ which I promised I would repay at the day, without putting him to any inconvenience: but he knew not, that what I borrowed for an hour, I borrowed for an age. When I could squeeze no more juyce out of him, then I left him to the mercy of his Creditors, to be dealt withal as the Popinjay in the Fable, who being summoned to appear with the rest of the winged Tribe, before their King the Eagle, borrowed of all the finer sort of birds feathers to adorn him, and make him appear splendid before his Soveraign. After he was dismiss’d, he proudly flutter’d up and down the woods with his borrow’d gallantry; which made the little Titmouse, Wren and Hedge-sparrow adore him. They to whom he was obliged for his gallantry, hearing thereof, demanded again their own, and so deplum’d him, whereby he seem’d ten times worse then those small birds that lately did admire him. Such Popinjays are they, who borrow of every Citizen, to make themselves shew glorious in the worlds eye; but when the Creditors shall come and claim their own, and get it, they will seem more foul, then lately they did fair. So various and villanous were the pranks I committed every day, that I was forced now, like an Owl, to appear onely by night in the Citie. If I did at any time transgress that custom, I did then like the dogs of _Egypt_, which when they come to drink of the river _Nilus_, lap here and there, not daring to stay long in one place, for fear the Crocodiles that lie lurking within the banks, should pull them into the Current: so did I, skulking here and there, first to one Tavern, and then, not daring to stay longer there, shifting to another. But to proceed.

CHAP. XLVIII.

_How he could make Ink that would disappear from the Paper, accordingly as he pleased, by the strength or weakness of the composition. His imitating exactly both Hand and Seal. A remarkable Story thereupon._

Reading one time a book that an Italian writ, I found therein a description of several sorts of Ink, and how to make them; but more especially, an Ink that should last a week, a month, or two, according to the composition. I made an experiment, and found it hit indifferently well: perceiving how beneficial this would be to me, I resolved not to rest till I had found out the true Receipt; which I did at last, by much study and industry. Having obtain’d it, I so highly valued it, that methought I would not have parted with it for the _Philosophers Stone_. Not to be tedious, I did abuse therewith many persons with Bonds, Leases, Deeds, Acquittances, _&c._ there appearing in such a time nothing but the bare Seal, the paper remaining as white as if never writ on. By the help of Graving, I could counterfeit Seals exactly, insomuch that I have often cheated the _Grand Cheater, Oliver_, the late hypocritical and bloudy Tyrant; and by an exact imitation of an hand-writing his Council was too sensible of what Cheats I put upon them. That I was no bungler at it, I shall give you this instance. Accidentally coming acquainted with a Gentlewoman, very beautiful and well featur’d, her sparkling eyes set me all in a flame, so that I resolved to attempt the enjoyment of her. Oftentimes I visited her, and by the modesty of my carriage towards her, she perceived not my burning lust. One time having a fit opportunity, she being alone, I communicated my thoughts to her: waving what amorous discourse past on my side, I would have fallen roundly to the matter; but she understanding my intent, cry’d out; whereupon I desisted, seeing it was to little purpose if I proceeded. Sitting down by her, she exprest an absolute hatred to me for my incivility, and vow’d she would neither see nor endure me more. The vehemence of her utterance and countenance fully declared she was in earnest; so that I saw ’twas time to be gone. Looking about (unperceived by her) I took up half a sheet of paper of her writing, and clapt it into my pocket; and so took my leave. Coming home, I found my love converted into hatred, and therefore vowed my revenge: and thus it was. I understood from her whereabout, her husband liv’d, and what his Christian name was, with something of her concerns; that her husbands mother could not endure her, (because her son married her without a portion, though a wise, discreet, vertuous, and handsome woman) and whereabout he liv’d, with name, _&c._ I counterfeited a Letter, as from this vertuous Gentlewoman, to a Gallant of hers, taxing him with want of love, and that if he proved not more constant, she had no more to say to him, _&c._ The contents you shall have in the Letter it self, as followeth.

Most beloved by me of men!

_I cannot blame you so much as my self; it is customary for man to proffer, but then it should be a womans duty to refuse: but alas! how could I withstand the powerful perswasions of your eloquent tongue, especially when they carried with them so much seeming reality of affection and constancy? I finde you now like other vow-breaking men, who having obtained the fruition of their desires, their appetite nauseates that which before it so eagerly crav’d. Call to minde those many endeared and melting expressions you did voluntarily utter, when I was encircled in thine arms; and if that will not reduce you to your former station, and good esteem of me, now so much slighted by you, consider that I have preferred you in love before my Husband, not caring how much I wronged him to pleasure you. If nothing will prevail, know then, this shall be my resolution, that since you have alienated my affection from my Husband, and you thus unworthily desert me, I will procure a Subject elsewhere shall out-do you in every thing, as much or more as you have out-done my Husband. I am young, plump, handsome, and bucksome; what then should hinder me from enjoying such a person, my heart will not rest satisfied till I have found? which having done, he shall lead me in thy view, and then it is probable you will desire, but never shall re-assume your place again within my breast._

Farewel.

This Letter was sent to her Mother-in-law in the Country, who was glad she had matter to impeach her daughter to her son. Assoon as he saw the Letter, he very well knew the hand, he thought, and would have sworn it to be his wifes: but reading the contents, the poor man was ready to sink down for grief. Perturbation of minde would not let him rest in his Country-dwelling, but rid up Post to _London_, where he soon found out his wife. The unexpected sight of him at first surprised her, not hearing of his coming, and knowing that his occasions were very urgent in the country: however, like a truly-loving wife, she was over-joy’d to see him, and would have kiss’d him, but that he rudely thrust her off; which action struck her to the heart, and overwhelmed her in amazement. Prethee, Sweetheart (said she) what is the matter? There, read it, said he, throwing her the Letter. She read it, and swounded. He let her lie, not caring whether she liv’d or dy’d; and had dy’d indeed, had not her Maid come up accidentally. Being recover’d, he ask’t her whether it was her hand. She could not deny it: which made the man rage, ready to run out of his wits, whilst she was silent with astonishment, taking such inward grief, that she betook her self to her bed. Nothing could comfort her, neither would she take any thing to sustain life. Hearing how powerfully my forgeries had wrought, to the hazard of somes lives; in the same hand I sent him a Letter, wherein I gave him an account of the designe, proclaiming to the world this Gentlewomans honesty, unspotted and unstain’d. The Gentlewoman recover’d in a little time after; but this trick had too much seiz’d upon my Gentleman; for like a fool he fell distracted in a sneering posture, as pleas’d to think his wife was honest _notwithstanding_. I have been somewhat long in this relation, because it was a passage very remarkable. Now I shall tell you how I cheated a young Citizen and an Upholster.

CHAP. XLIX.

_How he cheated a young Citizen newly set up, and an Upholster._

A young Citizen about to set up, and wanting some money, was directed to me, to procure so much as his present occasion required. I treated him very civilly, promising him very fairly; and in order thereunto, appointed him a day; which being come, contrary to my expectation or desire, he brought a crew with him, to see the receipt of the money. Judging this time inconvenient for my designes, I told him I expected the money this very day; but if he pleased to seal the Bond, and have it witnessed, he might keep it himself; and bringing the Bond with him the next day, he should not fail to have his money. The next day he came to the place appointed, where I was ready to wait him. As good fortune would have it, he came alone. I discours’d with him a while: at last I desired him to let me see the Bond; which he delivered into my hand, being sign’d and seal’d before. I took this as a good and lawful livery, and put it up into my pocket. He asked me what I meant. I told him he should know when the Bond became due. Why Sir, said he, you will not serve me so? Dost thou think I am such a fool, said I, to lend thee so much money upon a piece of paper, which next Showre of rain will wash away with thy self into the common Shore? Shall I trust thee, when thou canst not trust thy self? At this the young man began to be clamorous; but one of my accomplices soon still’d the Clapper of his mouth, by a sound knock on the pate, which laid him asleep: and in the mean time we marcht off. Just as the money came due upon the Bond, my flock-pated Cit was gone to tell his friends in the Country the danger of Counters and Prisons in the Citie. At another time I wanted money to supply my present occasions, but could not instantly think of any other means of assistance in this necessity, but to sell my Featherbed, together with its appurtenances. Whereupon I packt them up, and desired a friend to go with the Porter, and sell them to an Upholster. My friend did so, and brought me half their worth; but withal, that which was more then their worth, the mans name. A week after, I wanted my bed, and resolved to have it again. To that end, I went to him that bought it, and asked him before a couple that I took with me, whether at such a time he had not such commodities sold him. He acknowledged that he had. I desired to see them: and he as readily granted it. Sir, said I, these are my Goods: I was lately robb’d, and now I know you are the Receiver: I must have you before a Justice, to know how you came by them. The naming of a Justice so terrified this silly fellow, that he bid me take them if I would swear they were mine, and put him to no further trouble. I swore they were mine, (and therein I was not perjur’d) but told him I could not receive stollen Goods safely, though they were mine own. In short, I recovered my Bed and furniture, with money to boot.

CHAP. L.

_He is at last met withal, and laid up in Prison by one of his Creditors. The abuses and tricks Sergeants use to arrest men. Lastly, he escaped, by putting a trick upon his Keeper._

Having gone thus far without any remarkable check or controul, at least any such as might bear a proportion with the villanies and injuries I had done, I absolutely thought that nothing was dishonest or difficult that had in it either pleasure or profit. Meeting with no molestation or hinderance, I took my freedom to do even what I listed. One time thinking my self most secure, I then found my self in the greatest danger, being arrested in an Action of 5000 _l._ Several times there were attempts made to take me, but I was still too cunning for them: yet at last they over-reacht me; it will not be amiss to relate in what manner. They had information, that every week I had Letters come to me out of _Essex_, and that the Porter which brought them had still free admittance to me: wherefore the Serjeant provided himself a Frock, and a Rope about his middle, which would better have become his neck, and with Letters in his hand directed to me, trudged to my lodging. Knocking at my door, and being demanded his business, he told them he had Letters for the master of the house, nominating me. Looking out, and seeing no one but a seeming Porter, I order’d that he should be let in. Assoon as he was enter’d, he bid my Worship good morrow, and in stead of delivering me his Letters, shewed me his Mace; which I wisht might be the onely spice and meat too he should eat for a twelvemonth. Seeing how I was betraid, I went quickly along with him to the Compter; and afterwards, finding I could make no composition with my Creditors, turned my self over to the _Kings-Bench_. Various are their tricks and inventions to ensnare whom they intend to arrest. Sometimes I have known a Creditor seem to comply with his Debtor, telling him that paying some inconsiderable matter, his Bonds should be renewed with longer time: then appoint him a place of meeting, where he saith he will bring a Counsellor and Scrivener; a Counsellor to advise them in management of their business, and a Scrivener to write what they determined. He acquainted a Serjeant and a Yeoman with his Plot, who were as hot upon it, as an _Italian_ on a Wench of Fifteen. The Serjeant going with a Barresters Gown on his back, and the Yeoman with his beard cut as close as a Stubble-Field, with a Pen in his ear, and some Parchment in his hand, effected their designe without suspition. A Merchant I knew, that intended to break and go beyond Sea, was betraid by his servant, who informed his Creditors that just at such a time his Master would be gone; that on the morrow he would send for Coopers to hoop some Dry-fats to pack his goods; and that if ever they hoped to have their money, they must make that their time. Some Sergeants were presently acquainted herewith, who attired like Coopers in red caps, canvase breeches, with Ads in their hands, and hoops about their shoulders, went to the Merchant, and were entertained whilst he was giving them direction; but in stead of hooping the Dry-fats, they hoopt him in their arms, and arrested him. Before they parted with him, they made him part with so much money as would satisfie his Creditors and them; and made him fee them besides, not to enter any more Actions against him. They will change themselves into as many shapes as _Proteus_, to bring about their designes: sometimes like a grand wealthy Citizen, othertimes like a Country fellow newly come to town, with boots and spurs all dirty. Now as I have related their manner of arresting, so let me in short inform you of their using (or rather abusing) prisoners. First they enquire of the person whether it be the first time he was arrested: if so, then they know the better how to deal with him: perhaps they will carry him to the Tavern, pretending to do him kindness, where they will advise him to send for some friend; and one of them will be the Porter himself; but in stead of fetching the friend, he only enquires out his Creditors, and perswades them to use this opportunity to recover their debt: mean while, the other that is left behinde doth _milk_ him. The messenger returning, sorrowfully tells him his friend is not at home. Getting as much as they can by spunging, and sucking the very _heart-bloud_ of his pocket, the Compter must be his refuge at last. Sometimes, when they see a man in fear of Arresting, they will without warrant of the Creditor give him a cast of his Office, which they often do before they enter their Action; and have ways to prevent any mischief that can come by search of the Offices. Other times, for a fee, they will send to the party to keep out of the way, as was concluded beforehand. Oftentimes, upon an Arrest, if the Creditor stand not by, they will let the partie escape for a Brace of _Angels_, or so; and tell his adversary that he cannot set eye on him. And whereas their Fee for an Arrest is to be but 1 _s._ yet will they hardly be perswaded to do their Office under a _Crown_: and albeit the Statute say that the partie arrested shall pay but one _Groat_, I will not excuse him for an _Angel_. If a man oppose them, or endeavour an escape, they will both _gripe_ and _pinch_ him, and afterwards clap an Action of _Assault and Battery_ on him at their own Suit. I could say more of them, but that for fear, I must be favourable, who am now, as I tell you, a prisoner in the _Kings Bench_, which may be called _The Bankrupts Banquetting-house_, where he feasts himself on dishes borrowed from other mens tables; or, _The Prodigals Purgatory_, and _A Pesthouse for decaying Citizens_. Weary of this place, wherein are as many maladies and mischiefs as flew out of _Pandora’s_ box opened by _Epimetheus_; I invented this stratagem: One day I pretended much business abroad, and so got leave to go out with my Keeper, resolving not to return with him. Having been from Tavern to Alehouse, and so to Tavern again, pretending the dispatch of much business, I at length told my Keeper, that I would visit a very dear friend of mine, but that I thought it requisite to be trim’d first. He consenting, we went to a Barbers. I sat down in the Chair first; and being dispatcht, I desired the Keeper to sit down too, and I would pay for _sprucifying_ his _Phisnomy_. Whilst he was trimming, I talkt of one thing or other, to hold him in discourse. At last said the Barber, _Shut your eyes, or else my ball will offend them_. Shutting his eyes, I took an occasion to slip out, planting my self in an house hard by; the Barber not imagining I was a prisoner. The Keeper not hearing me talk, valued not the smart, but opened his eyes; and seeing me not in the shop, rose up, and that so hastily, that he overthrew _Cutbeard_, and the bason on him, running out into the street with the Barbers cloth about him, and _Don Barberoso’s Turbant_ on his head. The people seeing him thus with the froth about his face, concluded him mad, and as he ran gave him the way. The Barber with his Razor ran after the Keeper, crying, _Stop him, stop him, that I may be revenged on the Rogue_. The other nere minding the Outcry, ran staring up and down as if his wits had lately stole away from him, and he in pursuit of them. Some durst not stop him, others would not, thinking the Barber by his posture intended to have his Testicles for abusing his wife. To conclude, the Barber at last seis’d him, and having recovered his cloaths, and made him pay 6 d. for shaving, the Keeper was dismist with a kick or two in the arse; the Barber not suffering him to speak a word in his own defence. Thus freeing my self, I resolv’d to take the Country-air, where I happily met with you. Many other things worthy remembrance did he relate, which now I have forgot. Some while we staid together; but at last his business call’d him one way, and my _Padding Trade_ invited me another.

CHAP. LI.

_He is laid up in _Oxford_-Goal by his Host, he is cheated at Chester; and after some time is ransomed thence by some of his Comrades, Knights of the _Road_, they paying his Debts._