Part 23

Notwithstanding I dayly thus, almost, cheated one or other, procuring thereby considerable sums of money, yet, by my drinking, Whoreing, and defending my self from such as I had wronged, I seldom kept any money by me. One day as I walk’d the streets securely, as I thought, a fellow fastned his _Flesh-Hooks_ on my Shoulder. Looking about to see what this sudden _clap_ meant, I saw a fellow behind me, whose face lookt ten times worse than those _Philistines_ that are pictured on Chimny pieces, seizing upon _Samson_; his mouth was as largely vaulted as that within _Aldersgate_; his Visage was almost eaten through with Pock-holes, every hole so big, that they would have served for Children to play at Cherry-pit; His Nose resembled an Hand-saw; take both Head and Face together, and it appeared like the Saracens on _Snow-hill_; questionless some _Incubus_ begot him on a Witch. Having a little recovered my self from my amazement, I askt him what his business was with me? He spake but little, leaving his errand to his Mace (which he shewed me) to relate. Away they carried me to _Woodstreet_ at the Kings-head, from whence I sent for Bail, which speedily came to me: having put in Bail to one Action, I found another enter’d: having done the like to that I found another, half a dozen more bearing it company; wherefore thanking my friends for the trouble I had put them to, I desired them to leave me, resolving to go to _Ludgate_. The two Serjeants that arrested me conducted me thither, having my name enter’d in the Paper-House, as Horses in _Smithfield_ are in the Tole-booth: _Cerberus_ turned the Key, and set the door as wide open as _Westminster_-Hall Gate in the Term-time to Country Client, to receive me from my Hell-guides, which puts me in mind of that old Verse,

_Noctes atque dies patet atri janua ditis._

I no sooner was enter’d into this inchanted Isle, where some lie wind-bound sometimes seven years together, but a fellow (whom at first sight I took to be a Gardner, because he had a kind of _Reddish_ beard, _and turn’d up_ withal) came to me, and understanding I was a Prisoner, seem’d mighty courteous, profering me his Chamber, for my Garnish sake. I accepted his kindness, and went with him to view this Cobweb-hung Chamber, for so it proved; I demanded of him who should be my Bed-fellow? that Gentleman there Sir, said he, that sits by the fire-side: I could not forbear smiling, for he was a fat squobby fellow, though his brain seemed to be lean. I believe he was his own Barber, and was forc’d to make use of a Knife instead of a Razor; for his beard it was cut round like a rubbing brush. Certainly, had all the skin of his body been like that of his face, it would have served excellent well when he was dead to make cloke-bags of. Not content with this lodging, I sought out another; liking it somewhat better then the former, I pitcht on it. Assoon as they understood my resolution, they worried me presently like angry Mastiffs, barking for their Garnish; I told them they should have it to morrow, at which they grumbled like the greatest strings of a Base-Viol. Before I went to Bed I must pay for a pair of sheets, that never came nigh _Holland_ by three hundred miles, and out of much civility my Bedfellow brought me a Candle not so long as his nose to light me to Bed.

The next morning I made it my business to get out assoon as I could; some I paid, others I non-suited, and so got clear. Being out I resolved not to rest till I had revenged my self on this Broker that had thus troubled me. I needed not means for the Devil seldom failed to help my inventions. I pretended to go into the Country, and in order to it pack’d up a Trunk of what I had most valuable and portable, and getting a Porter, sent it to an Inn where a _Norwich_-Carryer used to lye, but I knew him to be gone the day before. Going along with the Porter, I enquired for such a Carryer, but they told me he was gone, and would not return till the next week. I askt them where I might lay my Trunk safe: they shewed me a Room; where bidding the Porter sit down, I called for some Ale, telling the Porter, moreover, that I would have him be a witness of what there was in the Trunk, lest I should be dishonestly dealt by; whereupon I unlockt it, desiring him to take notice, which he did, and to be more sure took an Inventory in Writing. Having paused a little, now I think upon it (said I) Porter, it will not be safe to leave this here in a publique house, as in a friends, wherefore prethee go buy a Cord, and thou shalt carry it elsewhere. Whilest he was gone, I took out the chiefest things and put in rubbish, or what I could get, and so lockt it again. The Porter returning, we corded the Trunk, and carried it to this Broker, who took it kindly from me, that I would intrust him after our controversie, and received it. The next week I told him I would call for it, in order to the sending it into the Country. The time being come, I took the same Porter with me, and demanding the Trunk, it was forthwith delivered me. Come, Porter, said I, you must uncord it again, for I have present use for something therein contain’d; which being done, I seemingly amaz’d, cryed out I was rob’d, taxing the Broker for so doing, villifying him for his knavery. He protested that he never lookt on it to his knowledge since the receipt thereof. Well Sir (said I) this shall not serve your turn, this honest Porter knows how differently it is fraught from what he saw it at first. In a great seeming heat I left him, but before he slept I sent a couple of Serjeants to him, who arrested him; coming to tryal, by the assistance of two (resolv’d Jurors) and this Porter, I overthrew him, and recovered above forty pound, besides cost of Suit.

CHAP. XLV.

_How he cozened a rich Usurer, and a young Tradesman._

Being resolved to go and look out some of my Consorts to rejoyce together for my good successe in my advantagious revenge, I met with an old comrade that had lately _heav’d a Booth, Anglice_ broken open a Shop, who told me he had a quantity of good comodities, and desired me to put them off for him, knowing that I dealt in Brokeage in goods indirectly come by: I promised him I would. The next day he delivered what he had into my hands, I instantly carried them to an old Usurer that would grasp at any thing, telling him I only desired to Mort-gage them for such a time, requesting to lend me fifty pounds thereon. He looking upon them to be thrice the value of that sum, lent me freely the quantity of mony propounded, and in my sight took the Goods and laid them in a place next his Bed-chamber. The same day I met with this friend, who demanded of me whether I had done his businesse? No, not yet (said I) it will be to morrow first: However let us drink a glass of wine, which he readily consented to. Having drank pretty smartly, he could not contain himself (so powerful are the operations of Wine, as it frequently makes a man divulge that which carrieth in it inevitable ruine) I say he told me whose Shop it was he robb’d, and at what time. I seem’d to take little notice then, though I intended to make good use of it. Parting with him, I went straightway to the person rob’d, and told him that accidentally I was inform’d of his late losse, and that my intent of coming was out of a principle of honesty, to assist him in the recovery of what was stollen from him. But before I acquainted him with any thing, I required of him a Bond of 10 _l._ if I helpt him to his Goods; which he granted me. I advised him to get the Lord Chief Justices Warrant, which he did, and taking some friends with him, I directed them where they should go, and in what place they should find them. He would have had me gone with him, but that I excused my self, alledging it would be inconvenient. Taking a Constable with them, they went & found what they sought for according to my direction, which they seiz’d, leaving the old man to condole his losse, which had been no great matter, had not his life lain in his Purse.

Having thus carried on my mischievous contrivances with continued impunity; the next I fell on was a young Merchant, to whom I went gentily habited, with a foot-boy waiting at my heels. I lookt out several Commodities, and laid them aside, assuring him that I would e’re long lay out a considerable parcel of money with him. We discours’d upon the price, and in the conclusion closed. The next day I appointed the Goods to be sent home to my House, and in the interim desired him to go along with me, and accept of what poor accommodation my habitation would afford him, under the pretence of being better acquainted, but my design was to raise in him a good opinion of me, for I had one room (especially) very richly hung with costly Furniture. My motion was entertained, and away we went, where I treated him nobly; the next day the Commodities were sent in with his Servant, who expected his money, but I pretended that my Cashier was abroad, and so desired him to call the next morning; he did, but then I was not to be spoken with. Thus he did so often till the young man was weary. At last the Master himself came, who met me just as I was going out; who had not the patience to ask for his money, but presently railed most bitterly, calling me cheat, knave, _&c._ and that he would not put himself to the trouble of polling me up, but would have a Warrant for me instantly.

Being gone, I was as nimble as himself, having a couple of my Emissaries ready for him against his return. It was not long before he came strutting with a Constable. Perceiving him coming, I sent my two friends out with their Warrant, and putting it into the Constables hand, charged him in the Kings name to execute it upon such a one, meaning the Merchant; who dared not deny it, but carried him before a Justice, before whom my two Rogues swore flat felony, and so was committed. Sending for friends, they advised him to make an end thereof. Whereupon I was much solicited; and upon consideration I consented to cause my friends to forbear prosecution.

As yet I have not fully unbowell’d the huge bulk of my villany, that hath proved so burdensome to the world, and destructive to so many Families; wherefore give me leave a little farther to anatomize my own vicious nature, and I shall so lay open the Ulcers and Sores of my Impostumed Machinations, apparent to the sight of every one, that the most Ospray and Owl-eyed spectator shall confesse there never was a more necessary and commodious discovery revealed.

Brother, said I, for so I must call you now, your _flagitious_ deeds claiming that title, and must be compell’d I see to give you superiority, the upper-hand, for I am confident the line of other mens inventions never sounded the Sea of a more deep and dreadful mischief. When I consider how powerful and imperious vice is of late grown; and what horrid facts are committed every where by licentious and wicked men that swarm in all places: I admire that the Fabrick of the Earth is not continually palsyed by Earth-quakes, since there is a Creator above that oversees such actions. That the Earth her self (though an indulgent Mother) doth not receive into her Womb her off-spring, and therein for shame hide them: that the air is not choaked with Froggs, and that black pitchy mists do not perpetually masque the face of Heaven, and leave the world in obscurity; and that the Sun doth not hide his face from seeing such enormous crimes, blacker than is the Eclipse of his countenance: and lastly, that the Sea is not turned to blood to put us in mind of the cruel and remorselesse usages of one another; our kindnesse being commonly attended with discourtesies of a Vermilion hue. Thus Brother you see I am sensible of my miscarriages, but want the power to regulate my life. I would have proceeded, but that I found this discourse grated in his ears; wherefore I desired him to prosecute his story, which he did in this manner.

CHAP. XLVI.

_He discovers the subtlety of some Citizens he had to do withal by Broking for them, relating his own craft and cunning; and what the consequent was, the ruine of young Gentlemen._

Like an Hawk as I told you, I flew at all Game, not confining my self to any one thing particularly: where I could abuse the Law, I did; and if I had an opportunity to Trepan, I seldome failed, _&c._ Some part of my time I spent in the enquiry of what young Heirs were arrived, into whose society I was sure by one means or other to insinuate my self. These Country Wood-cocks I knew how to catch with a City Spring; whom I very well understood, had rather be out of the world than out of the fashion, who would be brave for the present time, though their Gallantry cost them all their future Fortunes. I commonly laid my plot thus: Sir, you undervalue your self by the meanness of your Habit, it being so unsuitable to your quality: if you want money, you cannot want credit, having a fair promising estate in reversion; if you are willing, I will find you out a believing Mercer. Returning me many thanks, it may be he would be in such hast as to send me presently. He could not be so eager to have his gaudy desires satisfied, as I forward to accomplish them. I knew where to go readily to one, with whom I went snips; in so saying, I would not have any think I throw dirt upon that noble profession. If I discover the fraud of any particular person, as long as I name him not, I do him no wrong; but if I detect by what deceitful and sinister means he worketh upon the infirmity of the youth of a green-witted Gallant, it may serve for an _use of instruction_. In the most famous Universities there are some Dunces resident, that by disgracing themselves, disgrace also their fellow Students. In the most virtuous Courts there will be some Parasites. So in the most goodly and glorious City under Heavens Canopy, there are some Asps lurking, that sting the reputation of their Brethren by their poysonous and corrupt dealings. There are knaves in all _Trades_ but _Book-selling_.

But to my purpose: a young Gentleman coming out of _Norfolk_ to see the City, and finding so many (beneath him in estate) gallant it so much above him, he grew very melancholy: hapning to be in his company, and indifferently well acquainted with him, I askt him the cause of his sadness? after I had prest him very much, he ingeniously confest the true original of his pensiveness. Pish, said I, is that all? let me alone to effect what you desire; neither shall you wait longer than the morrow. Leaving my Gentleman, away I went to a person fit for my purpose, and gave him an account of my business: glad he was, thankt me for my pains, promising me a reward, and would needs have me to a Tavern to consult this affair. Having concluded every thing, I repaired the next day to my Gentleman, who over-joyed to see me was impatient to know whether his wishes were consummated. Come along with me, said I, and we will try what we can do. I have bin very importunate with the Mercer, but as yet I cannot mollifie him; it may be your presence may do much. Finding him in the shop, I called him aside, and told him this was the Gentleman. My young Gentleman, that would be a Gallant presently, fell aboard him, and (with much fervencie and protestations) he woo’d the Mercer to credit him for 30 _l._ worth of Commodities. I call’d him aside, saying, What will 30 _l._ worth do? take up 100 _l._ worth; and what you use not, I’ll dispose by sale, to furnish your Pockets with money. He thankt me kindly for my advice, and returned to the Mercer, who askt him, If he should credit him with so much, what security would he propound? This struck my young Gentleman as mute as a Cods-head. The Mercer perceiving he had nothing to say, plaid the _Rope-maker_, being extreme _backward_ to trust him: Bonds he refused, Judgements he would not hear of, Statutes he scorned: for, said he, Gentlemen of late have found out so many tricks to cozen their Creditors, (I by the same means having had several Collops cut from the body of my estate) that I will not credit any more: whereas he spake this only to grinde the blunt appetite of my _Commodity-taker_ into a _sharper edge_, and make him more greedy of his own ruine; imitating in this a cunning and deceitful, though petulant and wanton Curtezan, who is nice when a sick-brain’d young Gallant importunes her to admit of his amorous kindness, only to make him more fierce upon his own confusion: holding him off like a Fencer, a month or two, that he may come up the more roundly to her purpose. But to the matter. My Gentleman being as it were denied, I seconded him thus: Sir, you know not what you do in refusing to credit this Gentleman; he is his fathers heir, a man of a vast estate, and very aged: This his son is about a very great Match, a rich heiress; and though he hath not money for the present, yet let him have an hundred pounds worth of _Commodities_, you need not doubt your payment; and it will do him at this present a thousand pounds worth of good. The Mercer began to hearken to this, and protested to my _Green-goose_ that he would be glad to do any a pleasure, so as not to injure himself; that if he could but possess him with a belief that he should have his money in six months, he would freely let him have 100 _l._ worth of what he pleased. The yong Gentleman protested it, and I warranted it; and the Mercer (though seemingly loth) condescended, upon this Proviso still, that he should procure some man else to be bound with him, as good as himself: for, said he, we are all mortal, and not having a lease of our lives, we may die before to-morrow; where then is my 100 _l._? Signior Unthrift is once more put to his _non-plus_; but at length he fell to intreat me to do it, who would not by any means; and so we parted. He would not let me rest for two or three days together; so that at last, provided he would give me 10 _l._ I agreed; and so we went again to the Mercer, and entring into Bonds, we had the _Commodities_. Having made my yong Gentleman an absolute Gallant, I went to sell what was left, of which I made 40 _l._ but I made my Gallant to be contented with 30. alledging, that when goods came once to be sold, they will not yeild the moiety of what they cost, though new: and out of that 30_l._ I had my 10 _l._ for suretyship. Thus I perswaded him to be very well satisfied. He revels about, whilst I was contriving to leave him as bare of means as brains. Now doth my Mercer dream of nothing but his pay-day, which he hoped would be broken. The time being expired, and my young Novice not minding it, the Mercer invited him to a dinner in _Fish-street_. Dinner being almost ended, for a third course came up a couple of _Sergeants_ stewed with _Mace_, who arrested him at the suit of the founder of the feast. Not procuring Bail, he was carried to the Counter, where he lay some time. His friends hearing of it, endeavour’d to get him out, by suing out an _Audita querela_. My Mercer hearing of that, advised with me what was best to be done. Agree, said I, with some Officer in the Exchequer, and turn the debt over to the King, pretending you owe him so much money: for the Chancery will not or cannot allow any thing in such a case against his Majesty. He so doing, did his business for the present. Thus have I read, when Jews have bought a red-hair’d boy, at first they cloath him in silks, ravishing him with all the delights that can be thought on, never have Musick from his ears, or Banquets from his taste; and thus use him, till they see he is plump, fat, & fit for their purpose: but when the poor boy least thinks of his imminent ruine, he is taken by a brace of slaves, and tyed up by the heels, so beaten by degrees to death with Cudgels, purging the rankest poyson out of his mouth, and making Mumy of his flesh. I shall leave it to the Reader to make application. In short, I perswaded the Mercer to take a Bond of 500_l._ of his prisoner, to be paid after his fathers decease. This Widgeon being in the nets, sealed to any thing for his liberty. He was not the first so served, by thousands: and that is the reason there are so many Crested Citizens: for Gentlemen being begger’d by their Extortion, they have no other means then to _fall in_ with their wives, _purchasing_ from them a supply. This is it that makes the road every where so full of High-way-men, who will borrow of men when they have little minde to lend, but not without giving them _Bonds_. This makes _Tyburn_ the Metropolitan, and other petty Gallowses, have so many _hangers on_; and this is the cause so many such Citizens sons are plagued after their fathers deaths, as their fathers when living have plagued others. These are the Boars that plow up whole acres, nay fields of Gentlemens lands with their snouts: these are the Swine that eat up whole Orchards; and these are they, whose fiery consciences drink up whole Fishponds at a draught; and lastly, they are the _Hurricanes_ that root up the trees of whole Woods together. From such _libera nos Domine_.

To conclude, take this as an infallible Maxime, that the worst of Creditors are either very rich, or very poor men. The rich man can stay for his money, and so will have all or none; the poor will have no pity, nor indeed can he, since the debt may be all he is worth.

CHAP. XLVII.

_How he insinuated himself into the acquaintance of all he thought he could prey upon, and what tricks he used to build his interest upon their ruine._