Part 20

The sight so surprized me, as if I had been converted into a Statue by the head of a _Gorgon_, but after a little pause, I hastily unbound her, and taking her in my Armes, Pardon me most couragious _Amazon_, (said I) for thus rudely dealing with you, it was nothing but ignorance that caused this errour; for could my dim-sighted soul have distinguisht what you were, the greatness of love and respect I bear your Sex would have deterred me from contending with you. But I esteem this my ignorance, my greatest happiness, since knowledge in this case would have deprived me of the benefit of knowing there could be so much Prowess in a Woman. For your sake I shall ever retain (since you have restored it) a good esteem of the worst of Females. She beg’d me not to be too tedious in my expressions, nor pump for eloquent phrases, alledging this was no proper place to make Orations in. But if you will enlarge your self, let us go to a place not far distant from this, better known, but to few besides my self. I liked her advice very well, and returning what I had taken from her, I followed it, by following her through divers obscure passages till we came to a Wood, where in a place the Sun had not seen since the first deluge, stood an House. At our approach the Servants were all in a hurry who should first obey Mrs. _Virago’s_ commands, for they all knew her, being no way estranged to her disguise, but wondered to see St. _George_, and his trusty Esquire on foot, neither durst they show themselves inquisitive presently: with much respect we were conducted into a very stately room, where embracing each other, we knit an indissolvable tye of friendship.

CHAP. XXXIV.

_After Supper they enter in Discourse, wherein she giveth him a short account of her Life, and the cause of her undertaking such an extravagant and dangerous course; relating how notably she revenged her self on her Husband for his unworthy and base carriage towards her._

Having refresht ourselves with what the House afforded, and Bottles and Pipes had supplied the place of Dishes; we dialogu’d as familiarly, as if our acquaintance had bore equal date with our nativities. And now it was she laid her self open to me, not concealing any thing, having before made my self acquainted with her greatest Secret. Frankly she called for Bottles of Wine, which we smartly drank together out of Beer-glasses: had not Supper been speedily provided, which required a cessation for some time, I should not have been in a condition to discern the Dish, nor him that brought it to the Table. Having taken some repast, I began to be refresht, she not in the least disturbed all this while.

I prest her to tell me what she was, and what manner of life she led. Sir, said she, I cannot deny your request; wherefore to satisfie you, know that I was the Daughter of a Sword-Cutler. In my younger days my Mother would have taught me to handle a Needle; but my Martial spirit gain-said all perswasions to that purpose. I could never endure to be among the Utensils of the Kitchin, but spent most of my time in my Fathers shop, taking wonderful delight in handling those Warlike Instruments: to take a Sword in my hand well mounted and brandish it, was reckoned by me among the chief of my recreations. Being about a douzen years of age, I studied all wayes imaginable how I might make my self acquainted with a Fencing-Master. Time brought my desires to their complement, for such a one as I wisht for, casually came into our Shop to have his blade furnisht; and Fortune so ordered it, there was none to answer him but my self. Having given him that satisfaction he desired, though not expecting it from me: Amongst other talke I demanded of him whether he was not a Professor of the Noble Science? (for I guest so much by his Postures, Looks, and expressions.) He told me he was a well-willer thereunto. Being glad of this opportunity, desiring him to conceal my intentions, I requested him the favour as to give me some instructions how I should manage a Sword: at first he seemed amazed at my proposal, but perceiving I was in earnest, he granted my petition, allotting me such a time to come to him as was most convenient. I became so expert at Back-sword and Single-Rapier in a short time, that I needed not his assistance any longer; My Parents not in the least mistrusting any such thing.

I shall wave what Exploits I did by the help of a disguise, and only tell you that when I arrived to fifteen years of age, an Inne-Keeper Married me, and carried me into the Country. For two years we lived very peaceably and comfortably together, but at length the insolent and imperious temper of my Husband made me begin to show my Natural humour. Once a week we seldom mist of a Combat between us, which frequently proved so sharp, that it was well if my Husband came off with a single broken pate, by which means the gaping wounds of our discontents and differences being not presently salved up, they became in a manner incurable.

I never was much inclined to love him, because he was of a mean dastardly spirit, and ever hated that a Dunghill-Cock should tread a Hen of the Game. Being stinted likewise of Money, my life grew altogether comfortless, and I lookt on my condition as insupportable: Wherefore as the only remedy or expedient to mitigate my vexatious troubles, I contrived a way how I might sometimes take a Purse. I judged this resolution safe enough, (if I were not taken in the very fact) for who could suspect me to be a Robber, wearing abroad upon such designs mans Apparel, but at home onely that which was suitable and agreeable to my own Sex? Besides, none could have better encouragement and conveniency then my self; for, keeping an Inn, who is more proper to have in custody what charge my Guests brought into my house then my self? or if committed to my Husbands tutelage, I could not fail to inform my self of the richness of the Booty. Moreover, the Hostess is the person whose company is most desired, before whom they are no ways scrupulous to relate which way they are going, and frequently what the affair was that led them that way.

Courage I knew I wanted not, (be you my impartial Judge, Sir) what then could hinder me from being successful in such an enterprize? Being thus resolved, I soon procured necessary Habiliments for these my contrivances; and never miscarried in any of them till now. Instead of going to Market, or riding five or six miles about such a business, (the usual pretences with which I blinded my Husband) I would when out of sight ride a contrary road to this House (wherein we now are) and here Metamorphose my self, and being fitted at all points; Pad uncontroulably, coming off alwayes most Victoriously. Not long since my Husband had about one hundred pounds due to him some twenty Miles from his habitation, and designed such a day for its reception: Glad I was to hear of this, resolving now to be revenged of him for all those injuries and churlish outrages he had committed against me: I knew very well which way he went, and knew the time of his coming home; wherefore I way-laid him at his return. And happily as I would have it, he did not make me wait above three hours for him. I let him pass me, knowing that by the swiftness of my Horse I could easily overtake him, and so I did, riding with him a mile or two before I could do my intended business. At last (looking about me) I saw the coast clear on every side: Wherefore riding up close to him, and laying hold of his Bridle, I clapt a Pistol to his breast, commanding him to deliver, or he was a dead man. My imperious Don seeing death before his face, had like to have saved me the labour by dying voluntarily without compulsion, and so amazed at his suddain surprizal, that he lookt like an Apparition, or one lately risen from the dead. Sirrha (said I) be quick: but a dead Palsie had so seized every part of him, that his eyes were incapable of directing his hands to his Pocket. But I soon recalled his lost spirits by two or three smart blows with the flat of my Sword, which so wakened him out of that deep Lethargy he was in, that with much submissiveness he delivered me his moneys. After I had dismounted him and cut the Reins of his Bridle and Girts, I basted him soundly, till that I had made jelly of his bones, and that his flesh lookt like _Egyptian_ Mummy. Now you Rogue (said I) I am even with you; have a care the next time how you strike a Woman (your wife I mean) for none but such as dare not fight a man, will lift up his hand against the weaker Vessel. Now you see what it is to provoke them; for if irritated too much, they are restless till they have accomplisht their satisfactory revenge: I have a good mind to end thy wicked courses with thy life, but that I am loath to be hanged for _nothing_, such a worthless man. Farewell; this money shall serve me to purchase Wine to drink healths to the confusion of such Rascally and mean-spirited things. And so I left him.

She was about to have proceeded in such agreeable relations of her rencounters, when word was brought her up, two Gentlemen below desired to speak with her: craving my excuse, she went down, and in a little time returned with them: She made an Apology to me for so doing, adding that if she had committed a crime herein, my future knowledge of those persons would extenuate it. By their effeminate countenances I could not miss of judging rightly what they were, _viz._, Females. After several discourses we grew so familiar, that the longest continued friendship could not boast of more freedom.

Having talkt and drank ourselves weary, we concluded to lye all in one chamber, there being two beds: what our Nocturnal passages were, I’le give the Reader leave to imagine.

CHAP. XXXV.

_Here he relates (modestly) what satisfaction he received from his new Female-acquaintance, and what occasioned the two last income Amazons to attempt the hazardous enterprizes of the High Pad: with their Character and course of Life._

Though Melancholy Night had drawn her sable curtains about her Hemisphere, yet the coverled of our Opticks was not yet laid down to admit our active senses to their usual rest and repose: obscured darkness had every where proclaimed silence about us on penalty of distracted incomposedness; yet we feared not the breach of those binding Laws, by breaking our minds to each other interchangeably. My conquered foe (now my new friend) first began to relate to her old associates the rise of our late rencounter, and the success, which she exprest with so much life and ingenuity, that they knew not which to value most, her wit, or my courage; but when she came to relate the manner of the discovery of her sex, so petulant and facetious was her discourse, that it occasioned a great deal of laughter and mirth among us. Having throughly discourst varieties, for further diversion one of these late Incommers undertook to give us a summary of her Comerades (or Sisters) being therewith intermixt; now I must give her leave to tell her own Tale.

Sir, (for to you I apply my discourse particularly, being wholly ignorant of what these two inseparable Companions of mine well understand) I shall not trouble your ear with any thing but what is absolutely necessary: laying aside therefore Superfluous Preambles, let me tell you I was the eldest Daughter of a Vinter in _London_, a man lookt on so wealthy, that he was called upon for Alderman, having no more Children then a Son, my Self, and this my dear Sister, my Metamorphosed follower. My Brother I think was begot out of degenerate Wine, and that made him so degenerate from Virtue and a good Spirit: a hot fiery fellow, always on the fret, till his Cask or Carcass was pierced; and so I leave him as I found him, an empty Hogshead.

This obstacle being removed (the _Remora_ to our fair promising Fortune) none were more extold and courted for Wealth and Beauty (rarely seen together) then my Sister and self; men of all sizes, both of Wit, Estate and Stature, daily frequented my Fathers House, pretending they came for the goodness of Wine there vended, till they had got an interest in our acquaintance, and then they unmaskt their meaning. Several overtures were made to our Parents, who like good domestick Polititians, seemed to like, to incourage them to continue coming for their expence sake: frequently they bespake Dinners, vying who should exceed in prodigality, thinking thereby to gain esteem, while the old Fox did but laugh at them in private for their pains. My Mother had her trade at her fingers ends; for when she would oblige any of them to any treaty, it was but calling him Son, or Sirrah you are a wag, my _Benjamin_ must have the largest Portion, _&c._ By this means she chained them to the house, and to engage them the more, permitted us to bear them company; but fearing lest we might glut our Idolators by too long staying (for we sooner surfeit on delicates than courser fare) our Mother would call us, pretending present business, and would then supply the place her self; then would they charge afresh, till they had blinded one another. I must needs say, my Mothers company was deservingly desirable: for though she had past her ages Æquinox, yet her beauty appeared but a very little declining. In her youthful dayes she was the wonder of her Sex, and was so generally talkt of among Beauty-hunters, that our Tavern was never empty, and happy was he that could procure the drinking of a glass with her at the Bar, but transported, if they could obtain the favour to have her company in a room: which for profit she sometimes permitted, and something else, which my Father winked at gladly, because he could not find the like expedient to enrich himself. She was comely, tall, and of a beautious blushing brown; her hair proper to her complexion, neatly put into curls and folds by Nature: Her face was made up of excellent parts; as a quick eye and full; her circled brows graceful and big; her nose not over Roman, with a full mouth; the largeness of the lips commendable, because plump and red; her dimpled chin (which Nature had drawn, with a wanton touch of her Pensil) did singularly set out her looks most comely. Her neck was round, rising, full and fat: her Bodie well fed, not fat; an Italian Don’s delight. When any Gentlemen came in, me thinks I now see how she leared out of her inticing Italianated eyes, able to confound a Saint. In short, her hair was enough to enchant you into those mazes, but that her looks were so neer, which hooked yours into her eyebals, full, black and rowling; and when she had you, she held you there. Neither was she a niggard of those gifts were so liberally bestowed on her, but communicated a taste thereof to divers; for as she was naturally prone to whorishness, so she gave her inclinations the reins, and at last became so impudent, that she did frequently that in our sights, which though we understood not, being too young, yet forceably drew a blush into our tender cheeks. Being in her prime, she gave her self so much libertie, that she was a shame to her Sex; there was not any vice that was attended either by pleasure or profit, but she would be sharer therein. And now being gulled with shadows and impostures, she drew up the Portcullis of her heart, and laid the gates thereof wide open to her own ruine. Who would imagine, that a pleasing countenance could harbour villany, or that a smile could set upon the face of mischief? But therein she shewed her self a Curtezan of the right stamp, that for her own advantage can entertain mans appetite with wanton dalliance, but will never make assurance of settled love. When men think themselves most interested in her, then was it frequently that they were farthest from her. I am somewhat the longer in my Mothers Character, that I might the fuller demonstrate what was the original that I so exactly copied in the actions of my own life. Did Parents consider how prevalent their wicked examples are with their Issue, they would be less curious to cleanse their houses of dirt and dust against the comming of their friends, and more careful not to see them hung with vices in the presence of their Children. You see I know the difference between good and evil, because I talk so well, though I act so ill. But to proceed. How is it possible the Daughter should be chaste, that cannot reckon up the adulteries of her Mother, though she be nere so well in breath, without a dozen stops or intermissions at the least? Such as are conscious to these faults in others, cannot but be capable of them in themselves. The hearing of them told, begets a willingness to try them: the seeing of them done, a wilfulness to do them. She presumed I believe upon our indiscretions as Children, perswading her self we had not wit enough to discern it. But alas! she erred in her Cyphers, and was much mistaken in her accounts: for we coming to years, did not stick to that in her sight, which she before would not forbear in ours. And with what face could she reprove us?

_The crooked wretch must not upbraid the lame, Nor must the Moor the tawny Indian blame._

Her house did daily swarm with such as pretended more then common kindness to me. Several my Parents approved of as wealthy, and propounded them to me, whom I only disliked for want of comeliness. One I confess I could have fancied highly for his wit, had not his formation been so extravagant and preposterous. O the innumerable quantity of Poetick brats which _Pallas_-like sprang out of his head, and so pestred my Chamber, that I could hardly sleep for the trampling of their feet: some whereof appear’d so fair unto me from a Father so foul, that I have carried them in my bosome to converse with them among the solitary shades. I protest civility could scarce keep me from laughing outright every time I saw him, his whole composure appear’d to me so ridiculous. For first, his head seem’d to sink down into his brest, his eyes flaring affrighted at the danger, whilst his mouth continually gaped, as if it intended to cry out for help: his back and brest bunched out, as if a wallet stuffed at both ends had hung over his shoulder behind and before. Though extravagant enough, you could not say he shewed much waste. Had you seen him on a rainy day, by the length of his leggs (yet of dwarfish stature) you would have thought him mounted on stilts, and wading through the dirt with a boy at his back. Now let me skip over his person, and only tell you how I served him, and then I have done with him. That day I saw him not, I had his representation sent me, which was good diversion, but his presence was insufferable: to the intent therefore that I might be rid of him, I sent him these lines.

SIR, _You are the Son of _Esop_, for I find Legitimation by your shape and mind; Deform’d ye are alike, thence’t is thought fit That such defects should be supply’d by wit. Your aspect’s monstrous foul, yet don’t complain, Your issues fair, the product of your brain. But stay, I must recal my self for know My praises are like to your self, too low: Troth when I view you well, my fancy must Imagine you much like a Capon trust, Or like Sir _Hudibras_, nick-nam’d _All-feather_, Or like one ty’d both neck and heels together: Nor do not think Pygmean Sir that I Will fall in love with meer deformity; Then court some Succubus, a fiend will be A fitter match: so think no more on me._

These lines so nettled him, that having belcht out some execrations against me and our sex, I never heard more of him. To be short, there was none could get any interest in me, but our Head-drawer, a neat flaxen-hair’d dapper fellow; so passionately we loved one the other, that we could not forbear holding some private correspondence at nights. My Father at length suspecting us, turned away his man, whose absence I could not brook, and therefore resolved to follow after, which I did, taking with me what ready money my Father had in his custody; and finding out my dear Comerade, this was the result of our consultation, that I should cloath my self like a man, and so travel together. It will be too tedious to relate how and whither we went; but let it suffice to tell you, that after we had run through _France_ and _Italy_, and wearied our selves in forreign parts, we concluded to return for _England_. We landed at _Dover_, having made an end of our voyage and money together, saving so much as would purchase Horse & Armes; for Padding was the way we agreed on to recruit our decayed stock. Many were the Robberies we committed, taking such a course that the Devil could hardly detect us: for sometimes when we had robbed, and fearing lest we should be taken by the Hue and Cry, it was but turning my horse loose, and then would I put on womans apparel (which I always carried in my Portmantle in such expeditions) and getting up behind my dear friend, I past unsuspected as his wife. This stratagem frequently proved a safeguard to us both. By this means we several times robbed houses, under the pretence of my friends taking lodgings for himself and Wife. To tell you in what manner and how often we played our pranks under a double disguise, would take up more time then is convenient. Wherefore I shall now wind up my story; My Comerade in an unhappy enterprize received a shot in his shoulder, which proved Mortal, for not long after he died. Being then destitute of my dear companion, I had several thoughts of returning home; but that I liked my trade so well, I could not be induced to leave it. However, I went to my Fathers house frequently with roaring Blades; but they knew me not, though sometimes they would stare upon me, as if their eyes would have started out of their heads for joy to see their old acquaintance. At last I took a convenient opportunity under the veil of courtship to discover my self to my Sister (here present) who understanding my course of life, and knowing well her own constitution, for my sake resolved to hazard all, and run one risque with me. Having instructed her how she should rob her Father, as I had done before her, we met at a place appointed, and so took our journey hitherward. Now if our conversation may be any wayes pleasing, and our service advantagious, we are both your devoted servants. She uttered these words with such a grace, that I could not forbear imbracing her. After we had plighted faiths, and mutually caressed each other, we betook our selves to rest, which you may imagine was little enough.

CHAP. XXXVI.

_How he with his new female padding Comrade contrived notable subtil and safe ways to rob together; with a relation of some remarkable stories which were the effects of those consultations._

Angry I was when I perceived the appearance of day, which I knew would unavoidably rob me of my present delight and pleasure. But it was only my fear of being deprived of so much bliss made me so grossely to mistake, for I quickly found my happiness inlarged by the approaching light, my sence of _seeing_ being now made Copartner with that of _feeling_. Love had now his eyes restored him, who before only groped for the naked truth in the dark. Now did we begin afresh to renew our late sweet nocturnal pastime; and could our bodies have any wayes answered our boundless desires, our bed would have been the sole concern we should have minded, till that time which must put a period to this transitory life.