Part 2

Besides his springing Age (wherein the blood is hot and fervent) spur’d him on, and the natural disposition of his mind, gave him wings to flye whither his unbounded, licentious, self pleasing will would direct. His Youth introduced him into all sorts of vanity, and his Constitution of body, was the Mother of all his unlawful pleasures. His Temperament gave Sense preheminence above Reason. Thus you see (which experience can more fully demonstrate) how the heat of Youth gives fewel to the Fire of Voluptuous Enjoyments; but without a supply of what may purchase those delights, invention must be Tenter-hooked, which ever proves dangerous, most commonly fatal. My Grand-father too indulgent to his son, supply’d him continually with mony; which he did the more freely, since he was exempted from such charges which necessity required for my Fathers maintenance, he having now more than a bare competency, he not only consents to the commission of evil, but tempts others to perpetrate the like. And now following his own natural proneness to irregular liberty, diurnaly suggests matters of innovation, not onely to his own, but others reasons, _Lectum non citius relinquens quam in Deum delinquens, non citius surgens quam insurgens_. No sooner relinquishing his bed, but delinquishing his Creator, No sooner rising than rising against his God. In short, I know not whether he prevailed more on others, or others on him, for he was facile; the best Nature is most quickly depraved, as the purest flesh corrupts soonest, and most noisom when corupted. Yet notwithstanding these blooming debaucheries, he neglected not his Study so much, but that he capacitated himself for the University, and by approbation was sent thither by his Patron. He applyed himself close to his Book for a while, till he had adapted himself a companion for the most absolute critick could be selected out of any of the Colledges: in the assured confidence of his own parts, he ventured among them, and left such remarks of his cutting wit in all companies he came into, that the Gallants and most notable Wits of _Oxford_, coveted so much his company that he had not time to apply himself to his Study, but giving way to their sollicitations, being prompted thereunto by his own powerful inclinations, plunged himself over head and ears in all manner of sensuality. For his lewd carriage, inimitably wicked practises, and detestable behaviour, he was at last expelled the Colledge.

Now was he forc’d to return to his Father, who with much joy received him, but would not tell him the true cause of his coming down: But to palliate his villanies, informed his father that he had learned as much as he could be instructed in; and now and then would Sprinkle his discourse with a _Greek_ or _Latine_ Sentence; when talking with the poor ignorant old Man; who took wonderful delight in the meer sound thereof. When my father spake at any time, they were all as silent as midnight, and then would my Grandfather with much admiration becken to the standers by, to give their greatest attention, to what the _Speaker_ as little understood as his _Auditors_, not caring what non-sense he utter’d, if wrapt up in untelligable hard words, purposely to abuse those brutish Plough-jobbers. In ostentation he was carried to the Parson of the Parish to discourse with him; who by good fortune understood no other Tongue but what his mother taught him; My father perceiving that, made _Shoulderamutton_ and _Kapathumpton_ serve for very good _Greek_; which the Parson confirm’d: telling my Grandfather further, that his Son was an excellent Scholar; protesting that he was so deeply learned, that he spake things he understood not; this I have heard him say, made him as good sport, as ever he receiv’d in the most ingenious Society.

He had not been long in the Country, before a Gentlewoman taking notice of his external and internal Qualifications, fell deeply in love with him; and preferring her own pleasure before the displeasure of her wealthy Relations, she _incontinently_ was married to him. I shall wave how it was brought about in every particular, but only instance what is therein remarkable. Doubtless the gestures he used in his preaching (when she was present) might something avail in the conquest of her affections; beginning with a _dearly beloved_ passionately extended, looking full in her face all the while, and being in the time of the Kingdomes alteration and confusion, a temporizing Minister, he had learned all those tricks by which those of his Sect and coat used to bewitch a female ear. But that which chiefly effected his desires, was the assurance of an old Matron, that lived near my mother, who for profit scrupled not to officiate as Bawd; this good old Gentlewoman contrived waies to bring them together, unsuspected by any, by which means they obtain’d the opportunity to perform _Hymens_ rites, Sans Ceremonies of the Church. My mother finding impregnation, acquainted my Father therewith, who (glad to hear how fast he had tied her to him) urged her to the speedy Consummation of a Legal marriage, which she more longed for than he did himself, but knew not how to bring it to pass, by reason of those many Obstacles which they saw Obvious, and thwarting their intentions. As first the vast disproportion between their Estates; Next, the Antipathy her Parents bore to his Function. Joyning these to many other Obstructions, with Fancy and Knowledge presented to them, they concluded to steal a Wedding and accordingly did put it in execution: much troubled her Parents were at first, to hear how their daughter had ship-wrackt her fortune (as they judged it) in the unfortunate loosing her maiden-head but time, with the intercession of Friends, procured a Reconciliation between them, and all parties well pleased. The old people took great delight in their fortune, hopeful thoughts and expectations of their Son in law, but he more in the reception of a large Sum of Money they paid him, and my mother most of all (as she thought) in the continual conversation and enjoyment of my Father, which she equally ranked with what might be esteemed the best of things.

His eminent Parts natural, (and what he attain’d unto by his country studies, being asham’d to have lost so much time) introduc’d him as a Chaplain to a Noble man, with whom he travel’d into _Ireland_. He took shipping at _Myneard_, and from thence sayled to _Knock fergus_, where he lived both creditably and comfortably. Experience had then so reformed his Life to so strict a religious course, that his Observers gain’d more by his example than his Hearers by precepts. Thus by his piety in the purity of his practice, he soon regain’d his lost credit.

By this time my mother drew near her time, having conceiv’d me in _England_, but not _conceiving_ she thus should _drop_ me in an _Irish Bog_. There is no fear that _England_ and _Ireland_ will after my decease, contend about my Nativity, as several Countreys did about _Homer_; either striving to have the honour of first giving him breath. Neither shall I much thank my Native Country, for bestowing on me such principles as I and most of my Country-men drew from that very air; the place I think made me appear a Bastard in disposition to my Father. It is strange the Clymate should have more prevalency over the Nature of the Native, than the disposition of the Parent. For though Father and Mother could neither flatter, deceive, revenge, equivocate, _&c._ yet the Son (as the consequence hath since made it appear) can (according to the common custom of his Country-men) dissemble and sooth up his adversary with expressions extracted from Celestial Manna, taking his advantage thereby to ruine him: For to speak the truth, I could never yet love any but for some by-respect, neither could I ever be perswaded into a pacification with that man who had any way injured me, never resting satisfied till I had accomplisht a plenary revenge, which I commonly effected under the pretence of great love and kindness. Cheat all I dealt withal, though the matter were ever so inconsiderable. Lie so naturally, that a Miracle may be as soon wrought, as a Truth proceed from my mouth. And then for Equivocation, or Mental Reservations, they were ever in me innate Properties. It was alwayes my Resolution, rather to dye by the hand of a common Executioner, then want my revenge, though ever so slightly grounded. But I shall desist here to characterize my self further, reserving that for another place.

Four years after my Birth, the Rebellion began so unexspectedly, that we were forced to flee in the night, the light of our flaming Houses, Ricks of Hay, and Stacks of Corn guided us out of the Town, and our Fears soon conveyed us to the Mountains. But the Rebels, wandering too and fro, intending either to meet with their friends, (who flockt from all parts to get into a Body) or else any English, which they designed as Sacrifices to their implacable malice, or inbred antipathy to that Nation, met with my Mother, attended by two Scullogues, her menial servants, the one carrying me, the other my brother. The Fates had decreed my brothers untimely death, and therefore unavoidable, the _faithful Infidel_ being butchered with him. The surviving servant who carried me, declared that he was a Roman Catholick, and imploring their mercy with his howling _Chram a Cress_, for St. _Patrick a gra_, procured my Mothers, his own, and my safety.

Thus was I preserv’d, but I hope not reserv’d as a subject for Divine Vengeance to work on. Had I then died, no other guilt could have rendered me culpable before Gods Tribunal, but what was derivative from _Adam_. But since, the concatenation of sins various links hath encompassed the whole series of my life. Now to the intent I may deter others from perpetrating the like, and receive to my self Absolution (according as it is promised) upon unfeigned Repentance, and ingenious Confession of my nefarious Facts, I shall give the Readers a Summary Relation of my Life: from my Non-age to the Meridian of my dayes, hoping that my Extravagancies and youthful Exiliences, have in that state of life, their declination and period.

CHAP. II.

_A short Account of the general Insurrections of the Irish, Anno 1641._

But though the mercy of these inhumane Villains extended to the saving of our lives; yet they had so little consideration and commiseration, to expose our bodies (by stripping us) stark naked to the extremity of a cold winter night, nor so much as sparing my tender age. Thus without Shooes or Stockings, or the least Rag to cover our nakedness, with the help of our Guide, we travelled all night through Woods as obscure as that black darkness that then environed our Horizon. By break of day we were at _Belfast_; about entering the skirts of the Town, this honest and grateful servant, (which is much in an Irish man) being then assured of our safety, took his leave of us, and returned to the Rebels.

Here were we received with much pitty of all, and entertain’d, and cloth’d and fed, by some charitable minded Persons; to gratifie their souls for what they had done for my mothers body, and those that belong’d to her, my Father frequently preacht, which gave general satisfaction, and continued thus in instructing his hearers, till the _Sark_ or _Surplice_, was adjudged by a Scotish Faction, to be the absolute Smock of the Whore of _Babylon_. Then was he constrain’d to flee again to _Linsegarvy_ taking his charge with him.

Before I proceed, give me leave to digress a little in giving you a brief account of the _Irish_ Rebellion. Not two years before it broke out, all those ancient Animosities, Grudges, and Hatred, which the _Irish_ had ever been observed to bare unto the English, seemed to be deposited and buried in a firm Conglutination of their Affections, and National Obligations, which passed between them, for these two had lived together forty Years in peace, with such great security and comfort, that it had in a manner consolidated them into one body, knit and compacted together with all those Ligatures, of Friendship, Alliance, and Consanguinity, as might make up a constant and everlasting Union betwixt them there. Their Inter-marriages were near upon as frequent as their Gossippings and Fosterings, (relations of much dearness among the _Irish_) together with all Tenancies, Neighborhoods and Services interchangeably passed among them. Nay, they had made as it were a mutual Transmigration into each others manners, many English being strongly degenerated into Irish Affections and Customes, and many of the better sort of Irish studying as well the Language of the English as delighting to be Apparrel’d like them. Nay, so great an advantage did they find by the English Commerce and Cohabitation, in the profits and high improvements of their Lands, as Sir _Phelim O Neal_, that Rebellious Ringleader, with divers others eminent in that bloody Insurrection, had not long before turn’d off their Lands, their Irish Tenants, admitting English in their rooms; who are able to give far greater Rents, and more certainly pay the same. So as all those circumstances duly weighted & considered with the great increase of Trade, and many other evident Symptoms of a flourishing Commonwealth; it was believed even by the wisest and most experienced in the affairs of _Ireland_, that the Peace and Tranquility of that Kingdom was fully settled, and most likely in all humane probability to continue, especially under the Government of such a King as _Charles_ the First, whom after-ages may admire, but never match. Such was the serenity and security of this Kingdom, as that there appeared not any where any Martial preparations, nor reliques of any kind of disorders, no nor so much as the least noise of War whisperingly carried to any ear in all this Lands.

Now whilst in this great calm, the Brittish continued in the deepest security, whilst all men sat pleasently enjoying the fruits of their own labors, sitting under their own Vines, without the least thoughts of apprehension of Tumults, Troubles, or Massacres; there brake out on _October_ the Twenty third, in the Year of our Lord, sixteen hundred forty and one, a most desperate, dierful, and formidable Rebellion, an Universal Defection and Revolt, wherein not only the meer Native Irish, but almost all those English that profess the Name of _Roman Catholicks_, were totally involved.

Now since it is resolved by me to give you a particular account of the most remarkable Transactions and passages of my life, it will be also necessary to acquaint you with the beginning and first motions. Neither shall I omit to trace the Progress of this Rebellion, since therein, I shall relate summarily my suffering, and what others under went, the horrid cruelties of the Irish, and their abominable murders committed, as well without number, as without mercy, upon the English Inhabitants of both Sexes, and all Ages.

It was carried with such secresie, that none understood the Conspiracy, till the very evening that immediately preceeded the night of its general execution. I must confess there was some such thing more than suspected by one Sir _William Cole_, who presently sent away Letters to the Lord Chief Justices, but miscarried by the way. _Owen O Conally_ (though meer Irish, was notwithstanding a Protestant) was the first discoverer of this general Insurrection giving in the Names of some of the chief Conspirators. Hereupon the Lords convened and sat in Council, whose care and prudence at that time was such, that some of the Ringleaders were instantly siezed, and upon examination, confest that on that very day of their surprizal, all the Ports and Places of strength in _Ireland_, would be taken; that there was a considerable number of Gentlemen and others, twenty out of each county, were come up expresly to surprize the Castle of _Dublin_. Adding further, that what was to be done in the Country (where _Mercury_ the swift Messenger) could neither by the wit of man, or by Letter, be prevented. Hereupon a strict search was made for all strangers lately come to Town, and all Horses were seized on, whose owners could not give a good account of them. And notwithstanding, there was a Proclamation disperst through all _Ireland_, giving notice of a horrid Plot designed by Irish Papists, against English Protestants, intending thereby a discouragement to such of the Conspirators, as yet had not openly declared themselves. Yet did they assemble in great number, principally in the North, in the Province of _Ulster_, taking many Towns, as the _Newry Drummoor_, &c., burning spoiling, and committing horrible murthers every where. These things wrought such a general consternation and astonishment in the minds of the English; that they thought themselves no where secure, flying from one danger into another.

In a very short time, the meer Irish Northern Papists by closly Persuing on their first Plot, had gotten into their possession most of the Towns, Forts, Castles, and Gentlemens Houses within the Counties of _Tyron_, _Donegal_, _Fermanah_, _Armah_, _Cauan_, &c. The chief that appeared in the Execution of this Plot, within the Province of _Ulster_, were Sir _Phelim O Neal_, _Tourlough_ his Brother, _Ronre Mac Guire_, _Phillip O Rely_, Sir _Conne Mac Dennis_, _Mac Brian_, and _Mac Mahan_, these combining with their Accomplices dividing their Forces, and according to a general Assignation, surprised the Forts of _Dongannon_ and _Montjoy_, _Carlemant_, with other places of considerable strength. Now began a deep Tragedy: The English having either few other than Irish Landlords, Tenants, Servants, Neighbours, or familiar Friends, as soon as this fire brake out, and the whole Country in a general Conflagration, made their recourse presently to some of these, lying upon them for protection and preservation, and with great confidence trusted their lives and all their concerns in their powers. But many of these in short time after, either betrayed them to others, or destroyed them with their own hands. The Popish Priests had so charged and laid such bloody impressions on them, as it was held according to their Doctrine they had received, a deadly sin to give an English Protestant any relief.

All bonds of Faith and Friendship now fractur’d, Irish Landlords now prey’d on their English Tenants; Irish Tenants and Servants, made a Sacrifice of their English Landlords and Masters, one Neighbor murthering another; nay, ’twas looked on as an act meritorious in him that could either subvert or supplant an English man; The very Children imitating the cruelty of their Parents, of which I shall carry a mark with me to my Grave, given me with a Skene by one of my Irish Play-fellows. It was now high time to flie, although we knew not whither; every place we ari’vd at we thought least secure, wherefore our motion was continual; and that which heightened our misery, was our frequent stripping thrice a day, and in such a dismal stormy tempestuous season, as the memory of man had never observ’d to continue so long together. The terror of the Irish and Scotch incomparably prevailed beyond the rage of the Sea, so that we were resolved to use all possible means to get on Shipboard. At _Belfast_ we accomplisht our desires, committing ourselves to the more merciful Waves. This Relation being so short, cannot but be very imperfect, if I dare credit my mother, it is not stain’d with falshood. Many horrid things (I confess) I purposely omitted, as desiring to wave any thing of aggravation, or which might occasion the least Animosity between two, though of several Languages, yet I hope both united in the demonstration of their constant loyalty to their Soveraign _Charles_ the Second.

CHAP. III.

_After his arrival in _Devonshire_, he briefly recounts what waggeries he commited, being but a Child._