Part 18

Tracing the street, I chanced to cast my eye on a fellow, the slowness of whose pace informed me of the idleness of his condition. His garb was so preposterously unsuitable, that a man could not possibly look on him without excessive laughter. To the intent you may participate with me in the same sport, I shall open his Wardrobe. In general there was not any thing he did wear that had not some times another property, & of which one might derive another Pedigree. The Hat he had on was devested of all Royal Dignity, having lost its Crown, and yet his crime would not be allowed of as Capital. But what it wanted in one place was supplied in another, the brims whereof being so large, they might have conveniently served as a Pent-house for another besides himself. But this ingenious Squire politickly had pin’d up the brims on one side, that he might have some light to discern his way; his Hat thus pin’d up on the one side lookt much like a trap-door pull’d up. His Band was so torn and dirty, as if he had but just come from some fray; and lest passion should prove obnoxious, time had done him that courtesie to purge away his choler. In what condition his Doubtlet was behind, I could plainly discover through the holes of his Cloak, which generally was so transparent, that the rents and patches of several colours of his cloaths were as visible as if you had lookt through Lawn. The forepart of his Doublet and his Breeches I am confident were the off-spring of the Furniture of a Billiard-Table. His Cloak proceeded from a Boat-tilt, whose Grandfather was an Horse-cloth; and I could not look on his Breeches, but it put me in mind of the _Scotch_ Flaggs that hung up in _Westminster_. His skirts were so liquor’d and greas’d, that in case of extremity they might have served for belly-pieces, not using any thing but their own fatness to fry them in. By his countenance he seemed like a man of courage and ingenuity, and so I could not chuse but endeavour his relief. Wherefore I accosted him, pretending I had seen him somewhere, but could not for the present call to mind the place. His necessity made him assent to whatever I said; and desiring his company to an Ale-house, he readily granted my request. By what unhappy accident he became thus miserable, I know not, but the man was well furnisht both with natural and acquir’d parts. Having had various discourses of several matters, and that we began to be familiarly acquainted, I askt him why he rapt himself up so close in his Cloak? _O Sir_, said he, _(to be plain) I have a maim’d Doublet, and I have heard some say, there is nothing more prejudicial to a wound than the intromission of Air_; which that Network garment of yours (said I) will never be able to keep out. He replyed, _’Tis true, Sir, I find it so, but I wish it were a Net, for then I might employ my self by fishing_.

I was so well pleased in my new acquaintance, that (bidding him stay there till my return, which should be speedy) I went and procured him all things necessary for to cover his nakedness: the last thing he put on was his Shoes; finding them to have Soals, they added new life to him.

_But did before in one condition roul, And both appear’d as if they had no Soul._

Having thus cast (Colt-like) his ragged Coat, I was not ashamed to walk with him in the streets; coming to the Custom-house we saw several Pipes and Hogsheads of Wine. Viewing all the places belonging thereunto, said I, Methinks it is no difficult matter to steal one of these Hogsheads, had I but assistance. You shall not want mine, Sir, (said he) even to the hazard of my life, which I shall never look on as a sufficient requital for this singular favour you have now conferr’d on me. Having walkt there a while, we went down to a place called _Lazy hill_, where I found out two or three pure Rogues more, one whereof had a Boat. I informed them of my design; they willingly promised their helping hand, and the time appointed for the effecting our intentions, was that night about twelve. Accordingly we all met, and having procured an empty Hogshead, we fill’d it with water, and away we went in the Boat. The tide ebbing had left dry ground underneath the Key, where I planted three of our company, instructing them that assoon as they found the Coast cleer above, they should with slings (which they had for that purpose) leave the Hogshead of water, & exchange it for one of wine; which done, they should march off immediately. I and my new Comerade marcht up the Custom-house stairs, where we encountred with two old Watchmen. They askt us what our business was, we told them we had no other design but to drink with them, having been a little frolicksome the other side of the water. The old Watchmen were very joyful at this news, and so giving one of them money to fetch some drink, the other carried me to the Lodge. The drink being come, they minded that so much, they had forgotten their duty; & I plyed them so close with whole ones, that they were incapable of holding one more: in the mean time my Comrogues were gone; pretending our boat was a drift, we took our leaves; for then we could go along by the shore side, leaving this paper on one of the Hogsheads, I left them.

_What _Moses_ did in the Creators name, By art Egyptian Magick did the same. Since I have read of Water turn’d to Wine, This Miracle is opposite to mine. For I (though never yet a Rhenish hater) Have by my art converted Wine to Water._

I have often heard these very lines (with some real circumstances of this our exploit, but more fictitious) repeated to me as a very good jest, which pleas’d me near upon as much as our purchase.

Being five of us concerned, we scorned to sell our Wine, but contracting with some to find Sugar, with others _Westphalia hams_, or such like relishing meats, and with others to be at the expence of Musick, but every one to be at his own charge for Wenches; we never gave over ranting and roaring till we had dreined the Hogshead dry.

CHAP. XXIX.

_His Landlady dyeth, and so is left again to live by his wits; his Comerade is hanged, with some hints of his desperate, irreligious, and atheistical tenents._

In the height of our jollity, word was brought me that my Landlady was dangerously sick, and that she desired to speak with me instantly; thinking it was onely a fit of lecherous and salacious itch, I made no great haste, but at length I went: Assoon as I entred within her doors, I received the sad tydings of her death. I ran up stairs (not believing this report, because I would not have it so) but found it too true: viewing her as she lay, I perceived her hand fast clincht: I took it into mine, and wrenching it open, there dropt ten pieces of Gold, which I conceive she intended to have bestowed on me whilest living, as her last Legacy. I conveyed them privately into my Pocket, and presently made enquiry how she had disposed of her Estate; but I received little or no satisfaction herein, only to my great vexation, I heard she often to the very last called much upon me.

I stayed not above two or three days in the house, but I was forced to leave it.

I met with my obliged friend, to whom I communicated my late misfortune: he like an experienc’d Stoick counsel’d me to bear my loss patiently, since that is below a man to repine at any sublunary casualty, much more to sink under the burden of any vexatious cross, or remediless loss. We discoursed, what expedient we were best to take, and to encrease our small stocks by some witty exploit. We propounded many things which we approved not of. We thought of turning Highway-men; but I disswaded him from that, by informing him that money was very scarce, and that men of 500_l._ _per annum_ usually travelled 30 or 40 miles with a single _Cob_, or piece of eight, not so much for fear of robbing as for want of Coyn; and that is the reason that all sorts of provision are very cheap, because there is so great a scarcity of that should purchase them. Why then said he, there is mony enough in the Exchequer. But said I, it is so difficult to come at, that I will not hazard my life in the attempt. Hearing me speak in this manner, he lookt upon me in derision: saying, _That fear was a passion unworthy to be lodg’d in the Soul of man, and that there is nothing here which a man either should or need to fear, _Secundem Religionem Stoici_: And that man deserved not the fruition of the least happiness here, that would not, rather then go without it, venture his neck_.

We had so hot a contest about this, that we parted in anger, and never saw him afterwards till I heard of his condemnation, which was occasioned by the prosecution of what he propounded to me. Two or three more besides himself combined to rob the Exchequer, but were apprehended in the enterprize, committed, arraigned at the Bar, convicted and condemned. Hearing hereof, I gave him a visit in Prison; expressing much sorrow for what he was to suffer: but he onely laught at me for my pains. I desir’d him to be more serious, since three dayes would put a period to his life, and then he must give an account of what he had done on earth; and that though we might sooth up our selves in all manner of debauchery here, yet without cordial repentance we must suffer for it hereafter. Prethee, said he, do not trouble thy head with such idle fancies. That there is a God I cannot, nor will not deny, since there are Regiments of Arguments levied both from the stately fabrick of the arched Heaven, and from the inimitable embroidery of the flowry earth which are sufficient to conquer that infidelity, and render men tributaries to the all-forming Essence. But that this God should be so unjust (who is al goodness) as to make the intent of my Creation damnation, it shall never come within the verge of my belief: if there be any punishment for criminal commissions, it must be annihilation, or nothing. Quote not me the Scriptures for my conviction if I err, since they are full of contradictions, and contain many things incredible. Neither do I know (since we are forbidden murder) why _Abraham_ should kill his Son _Isaac_ and the same person commit Adultery with his maid _Hagar_, (which is largely describ’d) and yet we are commanded the contrary; if we borrow or steal, we are enjoyn’d to make restitution; notwithstanding, the _Israelites_ were permitted to borrow the _Egyptians_ Earrings without giving satisfaction. In this manner I could cavil _ad infinitum_; and yet this Book is the Basis of Christianity. Let me tell me you plainly, Religion at first was only the quaint _Leger-de-main_ of some strong pated Statesmen, who to overawe the Capriciousness of a giddy multitude, did forge the opinion of a punisher of all humane evil actions. What was _Mahomet_ but an Impostor, whose palpable cheats grew up in his successors into a Religion, and whose inventions were and are receiv’d with as much adoration by the wisest of men, as is the Orthodox Veneration (as they term it) to a Deity, which is the object of Christian worship. The Popes piety is onely pride and ambition, and yet he pronounces Damnation against all such as are not of his belief, &c. If you will know the diversity of Religions, (all oppugning on the other) take a view thereof in Mr. _Ross_ his _Pansebeia_. Now seeing the rational soul hath fail’d so oft and so absurdly in its discoveries, how or why should we submit our selves slavishly to its determinations. For that which doth at some times err, can never at any time be concluded infallible. He would have proceeded, but I desir’d him to desist.

Now his prophane and irreligious discourse did so bore my glowing ears, that notwithstanding the wickedness of my own nature, I could not endure to hear him blaspheme; wherefore instead of endeavouring to rectifie his erroneous judgement, (for to speak the truth, my knowledg at that time was but slender in the doctrine of Christianity) I durst not discourse longer with him, but left him to his own Conscience for conviction, which I judg’d would be powerful with him at the place of Execution.

The day being come, I resolved to see the final end of my friend. And there did I enjoy the fruits of my hopes and wishes. For as soon as the Halter was about his neck, he roared so loud with his voice, that it could not but awake the most lethargick conscience that ever the Devil lull’d asleep. There I might see and know by the urinal of his eyes, and the water standing therein, what convulsion-fits his soul suffer’d, his own mouth confessing how grievously his diseased soul was stretched upon the rack of despair: then it was that the voluminous Registers of his conscience, which did formerly lye clasp’d in some unsearcht corner of his memory, were laid open before him; and the Devil, who hitherto gave him the lessening end of the prospect to survey his licentious courses and damned opinion, now turned the magnifying end to his eye, which made him cry out at last for mercy, and so was turn’d off.

CHAP. XXX.

_He passeth for a Batchellor, Courts several under the pretence of Marrying them, by which he perswades some out of their Maiden-heads; others out of their Money, with which he goes for _England_; At _Chester_ he cheats his Landlord, where having all things requisite to compleat an Highway-man, followeth that trade: he is met with by some of that gang, who intending to rob him, he discovers his intentions, and they admit of him into their society._

Being left now to shift for my self, having lost the main prop that sustain’d me in all conditions, husbanding well the advantage of this contrary wind, I presently set the engine of my brain to work, and thus it was; I addrest my self to Courtship. Beauty was not the mark I aimed, the purchase thereof producing little profit, since it self is most commonly the sole reward; neither can a man attain to it but by great expence, outvying all therein, least any interpose. Either wealthy and aged widdows, or thrifty Maids, who had laid up what they had gotten in Service as a bait to procure an Husband, such did I daily hunt out and visit by turns. I was not sparing of amorous expressions, shewing therein the height of zeal, by which means I deluded several. Some I was forced to give earnest to for their Goods, before they would trust me with what they had. This course I followed till I was generally taken notice of for a grand deceiver. Having now gotten a round sum of money by me, I borrowed where ever I could; so crossing S. _Georges_ Channel, in twenty four hours I landed at _Chester_. I took up my quarters in a very graceful Inn, and gave out immediately that I had an hundred head of Cattel coming. The Master of the house taking notice of my extraordinary Garb, and believing the report which I had caus’d to be spread abroad, lodg’d me with much respect in one of the best Chambers of his house.

The Wind favoured my design as much as I could desire, for it blew East-North-East, by which no Shipping could come out of _Ireland_. One day I came to my Landlord, and telling him that by reason of the non-arrival of my Cattel, I was disappointed of Moneys, and therefore I desired him to lend me ten pounds, and he should satisfie himself in the first choice of the best of my beasts when they came, and swore to him I would perform my promise to him upon the word of a Gentleman. So that without any scruple he lent me the money. Being Market-day, I bought an excellent Gelding with Furniture thereunto belonging, with Sword and Pistols, and in this Equipage mounted; I taking my leave of my credulous Landlord without speaking a word to him: I had not rid far, before three well mounted rid by me, (I found them afterwards to be the Van-guard) having as many more in the Rear. At the bottome of an Hill they before faced about, and bidding me stand, those in the Rear reinforc’d the Van. One of them clapping a Pistol at my breast, commanded me forthwith to deliver, Swearing three or four full-mouth’d Oaths. I saw it was now to little purpose to resist, although I was so well arm’d, and therefore endeavoured a conquest some other way, _viz._ by smooth expressions. Gentlemen (said I) ye are all mistaken; neither do I greatly wonder thereat, since I verily believe ye are fresh-men, men of a days standing in the study of this noble Science, otherwise you might have distinguisht me from an honest man; for I think in this Garb and posture, I look as suspitiously as any of ye; onely I think I take a better course then ye to avoid apprehension, and reap to my self greater satisfaction. For ye rob in companies, and if any one be taken, his just fears frequently betray himself, but oftner the rest to destruction: whereas I robbing singly, I rob securely. Now Sirs freely examine my Pockets, where finding store of Coyn, they demanded how I came by it? I invented a lye to their general satisfaction; which was, I had met with a Booty a little before I met with them, which was the occasion of my being so well furnisht; but that which confirm’d them most, was my being so well provided with Pistols in my Holsters, Pockets and Boots. Instead of doing what they intended, they were then of another opinion, and all of them carest me in a very high manner; resolving to be merry at the next Inn, and there to admit me as a Brother.

Having set up their Horses, they went into a Room before, whil’st I stayed some time after for the benefit of easing nature; coming in among them I thought my self mistaken in my company, and made a proffer to go out again; but they laughing heartily called me back. I knew not one person, for they had pull’d off their false Beards, Vizards, Hoods, Patches, Wens, Mufflers and Perriwigs, together with those other disguises that obscured the natural proportion of their faces, so that they appeared as other men. Come said the chief (as I guest him to be by the sway he bore over the rest) you are a freshman, and therefore want some of our instructions, which in due time you shall receive from us. In the first place it is fit that you take an Oath which every young Thief must observe that is admitted into the Brother-hood, or at his investation into the honour of one of the Knights of the Road: which was to this effect. First, they read a charge of secrecy, that whatever misfortune happened to cloud their freedom by rendring them as an object to Justice and the Law, they should conceal their Complices to the death, or against any other jeopardy whatsoever, burying in oblivion not only his Confederates, but also his manner of entrance into this way.

And further, they proceeded to swear me, that if the Judges should press me to a discovery of particulars, that then I must cunningly create some men in my fancy, devising not only Names, but to give each man a particular feature, describing their stature, complexion and age, as also their dwelling place. Still provided that the place of their abode be far enough off: And then before enquiry be made, the danger of the tryal may be over or past; and then again this pretended discovery may purchase favour from the Bench.

Further, if I should be examined, why, and how I fell into these courses, I must then tell them that I was born a Gentleman, and well educated; but being a younger brother, I had not wherewithal allowed me for a subsistance, and rather then I would live beneath my birth, or disparage the stock from whence I came (here fetching a deep sigh, and looking very sadly) necessity constraining me to supply my wants, I fell into these wicked courses; which will make them think you are some misled young man whom temptations had drawn aside, and so cause them to take pity of your condition; and if their mercy extend to the remision of your guilt, it shall not only rest you from the punishment of the Law, but from the persecution of your past evils.

By this means we may have liberty to fall to our old courses; nor must conscience trouble us, but dispence with every impiety, and glory in the greatest iniquities, counting him most honourable who is grown the oldest and most exquisite experienced Practitioner of all manner of vice. Much more was committed to my memory for future observation, which for brevity sake I shall omit.

CHAP. XXXI.

_Some Instructions given me by our Grand master-Thief._

After I was sworn, and full bowls of Sack had trould round, our grand Master-Thief, composing his Countenance, and looking very gravely, Come my new and young Knight of the Road, be ruled by me, whose long experience makes me able to command, and my love to you willing to instruct you. Ever lurk or lie in some by-place most advantageous and least suspitious which yields the eye the prospect of the Road: so strictly view the Booties, that other mens misfortunes may enrich your condition, and the honest mans loss be your gain; and be sure you draw every advantage that may promote your cause, to the longest extent. For your Masks and Chin-cloth, thus must you place them and fit them at a moment to disguise your face, thereby to blind the intellects of such as by constraint pay tribute to your wants; who then can know & with considerate heed directly swear you are the man, when these artificial vizards are withdrawn, and so the visible tokens vanish that might inform mens knowledge what you are? and that your words may have a different sound, alter your voice, that so as your habit, face, and haire obscure your discovery, your speech (reputed undisguiseable) will add to your concealment and security.

Be sure you ingeniously contrive a Watch-word to your selves that may occasion no suspition; as, we are like to have a fair day or a foul, according as the weather is like to prove; which being nam’d, let every man fall to his work; those that are strongest at the grasp, and have hearts accordingly, let them seize first, alwayes duly observing this, to catch the bridle by the left hand, and with the right draw your Sword. If he or they resist, the one prevents his flight, the other cuts, and so cools his courage. The weaker sorts charge is to bid stand, and confronting the Horses head, present a Pistol fit for to discharge. If they deny delivering patiently what they have, but contend, you must wave all niceties, but cut them soundly; if that will not qualifie their foolish presumption, be sure you fire not without doing Execution, and then with all speed fly, after you have with expedition taken the pillage of the field.

If you are pursu’d by an Hue and Cry, obscure your self in some place or other, and let it pass by you, and then to be sure it will never overtake you. If a prize comes by, or in your sight, if up the Hill, meet him; if down, follow close at the heels, and having more in company then your self, let each man single out his choice which he likes to deal with: the coast being clear, fall up all to your close order and side, be sure that you joyntly seize your prize. But here observe, let not any baseness of spirit unman you. For (_speaking to me_) nature hath bestow’d on you the full proportion of limbs, and thou seem’st a man of courage, suitable to the largeness of thy manly size, but be not surpriz’d with fear or cowardise if the assailed boldly assaults thee.