Part 17

Every morning I offer’d up my Devotions either to St. _Patrick_, or St. _James_, each of which have two excellent Wells dedicated to the honour of their Saintships. Thither did I repair constantly twice or thrice a day: after I had offered up the fumes of smoke (most commonly of none of the best Tobacco) I kneeled, not using the common way of drinking out of the chained iron dish, but with greater adoration suckt it as it came through the conveyance. After a walk to _Kilmanum_ (about a mile from _Dublin_) or some other place to prepare my stomack, I return’d to _Christ-Church_, frequently dining there with Sir _Richard Strang-bow_. Reflecting on his Cheer, and the Liquor of those two Saints, I cannot but tell you my thoughts of both.

_Sir _Richard Strang-bow_ keeps an house where Wine And Bread some sup on, but few seldom dine. Ask yet an hungry Rambler, and he’ll say, (Though not one bit came near his mouth that day) He plentifully din’d with him, so let him still Till he hath found his empty belly fill, Where I ne’re could, which made me hate in fine Sir _Richard Strang-bows_ Feasts, St. _Patrick’s_ Wine._

I fasted so long, I had now almost forgot how to eat: for if casually I came where meat was, I often made a proffer to convey something to my mouth, but my lips understood not my meaning; for having been so long unaccustomed to their duty, knew not how to perform their _gaping_ office. It was impossible at this time for the greatest fright to have made me foul my breeches, because I seldom used any thing that might cause excrements. And therefore I wondred to hear any enquire for an house of Office, since I had now left off going to stool. Once in five days I thought I stood in need of evacuating; but I was mistaken, for by discharging a blast of wind (whose fury scattered small stones underneath me) I found it only a fit of the Cholick. I shall deal plainly, shoud I have found a propensity, I would have been very unwilling to let any thing go out, since so little past into my belly. Some _Moveables_ I had left, which I was forced to dispose of, to keep the passage of my guts open, which would frequently grumble against my stomach for detaining too long what was received, challenging a propriety therein. I thought it good policy not to buy any Belly-timber of a quick concoction, because it should stay the longer within me. To this purpose I lookt on old Cheese to be food convenient; knowing that though it will disgest any thing else, yet it cannot disgest it self; and as it closeth up the mouth of the stomack, so by its respective quality it locks up fast the Poststern of the Micro-cosm. Flesh again (if I got any) I would swallow by whole-sale, fearing lest by chewing it, my stomach would too suddenly give it a passport to my _Hypo-gastrium_; by which means it would be immediately ready again, nay restless in the craving more. I seldom slept for the gnawing of my stomack, and the anguish of my guts, and for want of those fumes which proceeding from Meat ascended into the head, and so the causers of sleep. If I chanced to nod at any time, I dreamed of nothing but eating, my fancy feeding that while as voraciously as an hunger-starved hound on a shoulder of Mutton. I was driven to that pass, I could not justly tell whether I was alive or not. Sometimes I was of the opinion that I dyed in our Ship-wrack on the Isle of _Man_, and that I was now a Soul in Purgatory.

Immediately after my arrival in this place, the Itch and _Bunniah_, or Flux, (the two grand Epidemical distempers of _Ireland_) gave me their wellcome into their Country, attended by a great number of six-footed Gent. clad in a gray livery, with one single list down the back; who all promised to stick to me & be my bosome-friends, neither would they forsake me as long as life lasted. But they like the rest of the best and fairest promising friends left me, when fortune committed me prisoner to the merciless cruel hands of that accursed Gaoler, Poverty. I was grown so lean, that the Mungril _Scotch_ & _Irish_ Gentleman the Itch, finding not flesh enough to feed on, gave me the _French_ Complement, _Adieu pouvre Gentilhome_. The Flux staid with me as long as any thing was left in my belly, but finding no substance from my Guts, took his leave also, unkindly carrying away all that was within me. Their retinue perceiving they were like to feed on hard meat, there being little left but bones, whose teeth were incapable of fastning thereon, resolv’d to follow after; some making more than ordinary haste, broke their necks off the Cape of my Cloak, missing their footing, the threads thereof being spun out as time as fine as those of _Arachnes_ working.

To conclude, I was a mere walking _Skeleton_, my skin only serv’d as a mantle for my bones. But for wind, my belly would have contradicted an approved Philosophical Axiome, proving a _Vacuum_.

One time passing by the Castle-gate, a Souldier fir’d his Musquet, and I protest methought my belly sounded like a Drum at the report. Should I relate every particular wherein the malevolencie of Fortune afflicted me, I should much tire the Reader, as well as perplex my self with remembrance; wherefore I shall desist, and give you leave to imagine the deplorableness of his condition, who hath neither Monies, Friends, nor Credit, and in a place where he is neither acquainted with the people nor their Language.

CHAP. XXVI.

_He falling accidentally into a strange house, endeavours to build a Sconce, but is frustrated of his intent. The old Hostess pities him at first, and relieves him, and continually after feeds him for her own peculiar Diet; further insisting on the misery he then endured._

I was by this time grown so feeble by fasting, or by the manner of my feeding, which was either Cheese or hard Eggs, (there being great plenty) that I could hardly go; and so light I was by continual smoking, that I questioned often whether I was not a meer fume my self; fearing still when I walkt abroad, to be extracted by the Sun for an exhalation. Fortune so favour’d me one day, that I found a Groat, which put me into a extasie of joy. I know not what Magical power there was in that vast sum of _four pence_, for in an instant, not knowing by what means, I found my self in a Victualling-house, so speedy was my conveyance, as if I had been riding some _Dæmon_ through the air. I call’d for some meat, but my voice sounded so hollow, as if I had spoken in a vault. Some said, it was the _Eccho_ of some person speaking in the next house: others of the wiser sort believed me to be some _Spectrum_, or Apparition; and that the Devil had assum’d a body speaking in that _mortuum cadaver_. The truth of it is, ’twas something hard to determine, whether I spake or no, but that they might perceive my lips to open. There was a Physician in the house at that time, who looking on me narrowly, openly proclaim’d that I was the workmanship of some Mortal, who having first gotten the Skeleton, or bones of a Man, had artificially skin’d them over, and that German Clock-work caus’d my motion. I would have laught heartily at their ridiculous apprehensions, but that I had forgot how. I had some Gall left in me still, which made me start up in as great a rage as my feeble body was able to declare, intending to demonstrate to them how grosly they were mistaken, but perceiving me to approach, they all fled but Mr. Doctor, whom shame retain’d, otherwise by a fit of an Ague (which just then possest him) I knew he would willingly have been gone too. _Speak_ (said he tremblingly) _what art?_ I was somewhat puzled at his question, for I knew not well what I was: I am a living man, said I. _Why then thou wouldst have flesh_, said he. After several discourses to this purpose, I at length made him partly believe that I was no such thing he imagined, and yet he would be asking me still a many impertinent questions, as whether I could see; and his reason was, because he could discern no eyes. Whether I was born without eyes, or lost them since accidentally, _&c._ I was forced to tell him at last that it was the Country disease that had reduced me to this condition. Hearing me say so, he pitied me much, and told me he would fetch instantly something that should do me much good. I thankt him, and away went Mr. Doctor. The good Woman over-hearing our discourse drew neer then confidently, and demanded what I would have? I told her, any thing which was eatable, as far as a groat would go. She brought me some hot Meat, and setting it before me, went for some drink, but before she could return I had swallowed it all: she fetcht me more, which went the same way with as much celerity. But like Quick-silver it wrought quite through me, not staying a quarter of an hour.

The manner whereof was thus: About to pay my Reckoning, my Groat got into a piece of paper; I fumbled a great while in my pocket, but found it not, which put me even to my wits ends. At last drawing out some papers, and shaking them my Groat dropt; perceiving its fall might be dangerous, there being many holes in the Floor, I catcht after it; notwithstanding it fell upon the very brink of an hole; what with hast to recover it, and the fright the danger put me into, I discharged my self of every bit I had eaten. There was no body could say, I had fouled my Breeches, or that I stunk; which I made appear to my Landlady by showing her what I had evacuated, but little differing from what I had eaten a quarter of an hour before. The good old woman perswaded me strongly to eat it again; for, said she, it cannot be much the worse for just passing through you, and I will fry it if you please. I thought I should now have dyed with laughter at her strange proposition; but the woman star’d upon me, not knowing whether I grin’d or laught. Well, well, said she at last, if you will not eat such good victuals, some body else shall. I offer’d her my Groat, which she refus’d, telling me there was as much more to pay; I told her that was all the moneys I had about me, and that I would pay her the rest the next day.

_But she for her part thought it was unjust, To listen to the arguments of trust._

And therefore told me plainly she would have her Reckoning. I bid her stay a while: then as soon as she had turned her back I attempted to march off, but my strength failing me, I wanted swiftness, and so was brought back. I made her acquainted with my condition how miserable it was; I needed not many arguments to persuade any into that belief, for my person was the true Embleme of misery. She gave a serious attention to what I exprest, and at last melted into tears, commiserating my misfortunes; she caus’d instantly a bed to be warm’d, where being laid, she ordered a Cawdle to be made, & in fine shew’d a world of kindness to me, not imagining what she aimed at. She would not let me stir out of my Bed but whilst it was making, for above a week; at the conclusion of which I began to recover a little colour in my cheeks, & grew indifferent strong; she gave me moneys in my Pocket, & told me I must walk into the fields with her. I blest my self, and that Angel that directed my feet to the finding that lost groat which was the occasion of my restitution to a condition of living again. By this time I imagined what my old Gentlewoman expected: wherefore, in the first place I acknowledged how much I was obliged to her matchless civilities, and that it was impossible for me to return her answerable satisfaction. Rowling her pretty Piggs-eyes to and fro in her head, I require (said she) nothing but your Love. If it must needs be so (thought I) there is no way better then to let fancy form her beautiful, and so by the force of imagination I shall injoy as much pleasure as if lying with _Venus_, though in Conjunction with this _Succubus_. We us’d not many ceremonies, (like puling-whining Lovers that are always saying Grace, but never fall to) but taking the convenience of a Ditch underneath a bushy-topt hedge we conferred notes. Had any seen us in this posture, they would have concluded old Winter metamorphosed into an old Woman lying in a Dike, and that _Flora_ was converted into a young man, and both in an unnatural Conjunction. Or that youthful _Phœbus_ had contracted his rays to court a lump of Ice, but with shame was forced to desist, finding his powerful endeavours ineffectual in the production of a thaw. Whenever I wanted a small sum, a kiss or two, or the saying I loved her, extracted so much as supplied my present occasions; if I wanted a sum considerable, why then a quarter of an hours discourse in private effected my desires. Most that knew me wondred what politick stratagems I us’d that I so suddenly wound my self out of that Labyrinth of all sorts of miseries, & that I appeared both in feature and garb so excentrick to my former condition. I had as many pretences to blind the world as there were various suspitions of pragmatick persons. In short, I was now very well apparell’d, well furnisht with moneys, I kept my Horse, nay my Whore too; this I made use of for what she was, the other for what she had. So seemingly happy was the present state of my life, that I deem’d it impossibly unalterable by any decree of fate.

CHAP. XXVII.

_He makes a Ramble into the Country, takes some Observations as he travelleth; and is soundly beaten for attempting to board a small _Irish_ Pinnace._

I began now to be somewhat weary of the City, and therefore resolved to refresh my self with the Country Air. I acquainted my Patroness therewith; who with much regret condescended, conditionally two days should be the utmost time of my absence.

That morning I set forth, there was such solemn leave taken between us, as if my voyage had been intended for the _Indies_. About to amount, she retrived my intentions, clasping me in her arms; I should rather have chosen the imbraces of a she-Bear, as thinking her breath far sweeter; and truly I have often wondred at my recovery in so impure and unwholsom air. Being on Horse-back she so bathed her Cheeks with tears (wanting no moisture, derived from an everlasting spring of humours distilling from her head) that you would have sworn she was the representation of the Pig-woman in _Ben’s Bartholomew_-fair. Had not her watry Flood-gates drowned her eyes, I think she would have stood looking after me that way I rid till my return. Well, there is no fool like the old doting fool: And were I again to love for interest, I would choose such a person. Your young skittish things that onely mind their pleasures, think they have done a man a courtesie that merits reward, if they admit him into their private familiarity, because they find fond man so passionate and impatient in the prosecution of his desires: And then again, having variety of Courtiers, they are too sensible, that if one will not meddle with the bait, a second will nibble at it so long till he is caught with the hook. Whereas a woman stricken in years, and having lost her beautiful allurements is disregarded, & lookt on as no fit subject for love to treat on: not but she may have as youthful desires as any; and if that way inclin’d, none so prone as she. For knowing she hath nothing but her wealth to attract withal, she will freely part with it for her self-satisfaction; and that she may not loose her Stallion, constantly encourage him even to the exhausting of what she hath. Moreover, finding the man to answer her expectations, she studies all ways imaginable how to please him in every thing, that he may please her in that one thing.

But to my purpose: coming to _Balle-more-Eustace_, a little beyond the Town, (which is in the County of _Wicklow_) there is a small River in the Summer-time not above knee-deep; I perceived a young woman about to cross it; drawing to the water, she stood not on the niceties of modesty, but pulled up her Cloaths to the wast. The sight hereof stopt me, and as near as I could opposite to her. She minded me not, but came straight over to me, and at about three yards distance let down her Coats. I observed so many excellencies that my blood began to boyl, and my flesh was all of a flame. For her hair which naturally curled, and was plaited, was of a bright flaxen, each hair in the Sun glittered like a thread of Gold.

Here take notice by the way, that the Maids for the most part, Winter and Summer, go without any coverings on their head, which they wash all over every night; the meaner sort as soon as married wear Kerchers. She had an Angelical countenance, onely somewhat brownish by the Suns frequent kissing of it; I know not whether I may adjudge that a deformity. The skin of her body might vye with Snow for whiteness. I dismounted, & addrest my self to her in _English_; she answered me in her own language, _she understood me not_: Then did I make use of that little _Irish_ I had learned, which were some fragments of lecherous expressions, to which she replied, but I understood her not. To be brief, I so far prevailed that I got her into a small Wood, in which the thick & spreading tops of the trees seemed to lay their heads together in conspiracy to keep not only the Suns entry, but also the curious search of any mortals eye. She permitted me to kiss, dally, lay my hand on her thighs, _&c._, which were the only Preludiums of what should follow. But herein I mistook, for their dispositions are much different from the _English_. We use to say, that where we gain over any woman the liberty to use the hand, we cannot fail of doing what we most desire: whereas quite contrary they will without the least opposition permit the first, but with the greatest difficulty admit of the last. For as soon as she saw me ready to engage, she cryed out incessantly, _Whillallalloo_; and presently I could hear this ululation ecchoed. I had just recovered my Horse, when two or three fellows came running to me, the one with a Flail, the rest with long Poles. The first salutation I received was from the Flail, which failed but little of doing my business: the next my Horses Crupper received; the poor beast being civilly bred, could do no less then return them a Congee with his leg, which made one of them fall on his knees to his Master, as if he had been Monarch of that Soil. These two Rogues stood stiffly to me, insomuch that I knew not what course to take. The Villains were so nimble, that one of them was continually before me hindring my flight, whilst the other drub’d me forward. I bethought my self of a Pistol I had in my Pocket charged without a bullet; I drew it, presented, and pretended I would fire if they desisted not; for these stupid fellows apprehended not the danger: perceiving how stupidly senseless they were, I fir’d it full in the face of him that fronted me, who verily believ’d he had been shot, & so out of conceit (for they are naturally very timerous) fell down as dead; the other seeing that, ran away as swift as lightning, whereby I had leave to ride on, which I did (you may think) with no ordinary speed. Lovers may talk of their sufferings by their Mistress frowns, or obdurateness, but let any one judge of mine by the blows I received; sighing is nothing to fighting, and a few tears are not to come in competition with dry basting. Pox on them they made me out of conceit with love for six weeks after. I never thought of enjoying a woman since, but the remembrance of those three Bog-trotters converted the hot fit of my amorous Fever into a cold one.

A little way from _Baltinglass_ I took up my quarters for that night. The Inn I lay in was one story high, about the height of an extraordinary Pigsty, and there was one Chimney in it too, more then there is to be found in one of an 100 such Hovils. The good man welcom’d me after his fashion, but I think an _Anthropophagus_ or _Indian_ Man-eater would have done it as civily. I bid him set up my Horse by signs, (for that was the language we converst in) but alass there was no other Stable but what was at the end of our Kitchin; our Dining-room, Bed-chamber, Pigsty, Pantry and Buttery, being all one, without distinction or separation. Some few Wattles (as they call them) were placed above, that was our Hay-loft. The onely door of our Inn was a large hurdle, much like a sheep-pen. The _Bannettee_ or good wife of the house, could speak a little broken _English_. I askt her what I should have for Supper? _Thou shalt have a Supper said she for St. _Patrick_ a gra._ I staid an half hour expecting when she would lay down something to the fire, but instead thereof she brings me in a Wooden Platter a great many Leeks, in the bottom whereof was a good quantity of Bay-salt, and withal a loaf as black as if the Meal had been wetted with Ink. _Seest tou tere, Chreest himself nor St. _Patrick_ did ever eat better ting._ I could not forbear smiling, which put her into a great passion: For if a man eats not what they set before him, they think themselves highly affronted. Because I would please them (not knowing but that I might find as bad sawce here) I pretended to eat, conveying it into my Boots. After supper I askt them for a clean Pipe; the woman brought me one about an inch long, telling me it was very clean, for her Husband had not smoakt in it above ten times. I judged it to be the ruines of the first Pipe that was made, which was conveyed from one of that family to another, conditionally they should constantly smoke in it without burning it. They offered me some snuff too; which is one of the greatest kindnesses they can either show or be shown. I called for some drink, (to try whether that corresponded with the rest) and so it did, for there was no swallowing it without chewing. Finding but little satisfaction I desired to go to Bed. That I should instantly, they said, but I wondered where they intended to lay me. In a little while in came a lusty wench with a bundle of rushes on her head, my bed it seemed by the sequel, which she spreading on the ground, covered them with a _Caddow_ or Rugg. Here I must lye or no where, patience was my onely comfort; wherefore stripping my self to my drawers and Stockings, I laid my self down. About two hours after came in two Cows, three or four Piggs, some Ducks and Geese, (which they brought not in before, out of civility to me.) All their family being within doors; the good Man, his Wife, and two Daughters, stripping themselves stark naked, lay down altogether by my side, which seem’d somewhat strange to me. I could hardly forbear the two young ones, but that my late misfortune was so fresh in my memory.

I could not sleep all that night, wherefore very early I discharged my Reckoning, and so set forward for _Dublin_ with all the expedition I could, not liking the Country-entertainment. I would not ride the same way back as I came, to avoid my bone-breakers; but it had been as well; for coming to a River that I must foard, I askt a fellow which was the safest place: he pretending no knowledge of what I said, wherefore making signs to him, he answer’d me again with his hand, directing me to such a place: at the first step my Horse and I plunged over head and ears; and had not my Horse been strong, we had both perished. With much difficulty we got up the bank on the other side, and looking behind me, the villain was e’ne almost out of sight. Such causeless revenge they frequently exercise towards the _English_, naturally hating us with a perfect antipathy. I returned at length to my old Hostess, resolving when next I undertook such a journey, I would steer by the compass of other mens experience.

CHAP. XXVIII.

_The manner of his stealing an Hogshead of _French_ Wine from the Custom-house._