Part 16

Well, it was my hard fate to Marry thus like one doom’d to prison, who expecting to lie in a private room, is confined to the Hole. Had I married the best, I believe I should have found my self in the Stocks. ’Tis strange that I of all men should be deceiv’d by this thing that was like a box bearing drugs not suitable to the inscription. Had not my passion hung in my eyes, when I lookt into her disposition and carriage, I might have easily understood that her behavior in the presence of me was only like action on a publick Stage, and that the evil of her natural inclinations were hid from me under the vail of silence and seeming modesty. And indeed my pallate was bed-ridden, and so scarce sensible of sauce, much less of meat. But since I have had such ill-luck in marriage, which some vainly and falsly account a merry-age, I shall in the ensuing Discourse give you some instruction or advice as Land-marks. For having split upon this Rock, I may the better be a Pylot to another that would sail this way.

CHAP. XXII.

_Some Observations concerning Love and Women; selected out of the choicest Commentators on their nature, together with his own experimental reflections._

Love ’tis confest is a Natural distemper, a kind of small Pox; most have either had it, or is to expect it, and the sooner the better. Surely I was never well cur’d on’t, or else I had not thus fallen in a Relaps. Want of knowledge misguided me at first, and so I fell into a _Quagmire_; but I knew not what possest me to ride afterward into another on purpose. Love-seeds when it grows up to Matrimony is good for nothing, like some Fruit-trees which must be transplanted before they will bring forth any thing. And when Love in this nature doth seed, the encrease thereof is dissatisfaction, sorrow and vexation multiplied. This afore-mentioned is not truly love but lust; for I cannot believe that that noble passion can be the ruine of its subject; neither would I have it disparaged by so unworthy an object as a woman. If there be Love, it should be to Heaven, a male-friend, relations, or our Countries preservation, and not to a Female-piece of imperfection. And yet nothing will serve the turn, but monopolizing it by Marriage, because we would make it surely our own, and nevertheless our own till then. For if she be young, she is like an Hawk upon her wing; and if she be handsome, she is the more subject to go out at check. Faulkners that can but seldom spring right game, should still have something to take them down. The lure to which all stoop in this World, is either garnisht with profit or pleasure, and when you cannot throw her the one, you must be content to shew out the other. Consider again that woman (besides the trouble) is a Rent-charge which though the curiosity of man hath often inclosed, yet he cannot for his life stop so well one gap, but it will lie open for any stragler; by which means it seldom improves or becomes fruitful. And why should a woman be denyed the liberty of breaking a pane in her own window, or not admitted the freedom of regress to her own salli-port, letting in whom she esteems as friends? If you will not give them the permission, you must be forc’d to wink when they take it, or do worse: crosse them, and they will endeavour the not leaving a crosse in your Pocket. Take it which way you will, Marriage is the dearest way of curing love. Faring with such, as it doth with those for the most part that at great charges walls in grounds and plant, who cheaper might have eaten Mellons elsewhere, than Cucumbers in their own Garden. Besides, it is a gross piece of ignorance to be bound up to love for an age, when the cause of love may perish for a month, and then the effect will follow. If it be natures paint in the face, that doth induce you; those beautiful flowers of red and white, a disease will quickly wither; if not, ravishing time will deflowre the choicest beauty.

But the ill consequents of Marriage are more to be considered, which are commonly drawn from the evil inclinations of that Sex; _Eve_ by stumbling at the Serpents Sollicitations cast her Husband out of Paradice; nor are her Daughters surer of foot, being foundred by the heat of lust and pride. It were somthing if Marriage could answer the expectation of all she boasts the cure of; for instead of quenching the hot coals of concupiscence, it aggravates the simple sin of Fornication, making it sprout into Adultery. What might be said more as to this subject, I shall refer the Reader to the Writings of that ingenious Gentleman Mr. _Francis Osborne_. If any more (like boys stript and stand shivering about the brink) are ready to leap into Loves Whirl-pit, and so endanger the loss of themselves, let them first look upon love to be an idle fancy, and Wedlock of a dangerous consequence. If I could perswade you from loving, one would think the other then would be disregarded, but some to their costs can speak the contrary. In the first place, marry none but whom you love: for he that marries where he doth not love, will love where he did not marry. If you are prone to love one particular person, some are of opinion that travel is an excellent remedy: For absence doth in a kind remove the cause, removing the object. Others think that frequent visits (where as the rarity of them indears the affection) may by a surprizal discover some defects, which though they cure not absolutely, yet they qualifie the vehement heat of an amorous Feavor: and as near as can be, let it be unseasonably, either when she is in sicknesse or disorder, by that a man may know she is but mortal, and but a woman; the last would be enough to a wise man for an Antidote. Enter into discourse with her of things she daily hears not, and it will confirm the cure. Neither will it be amiss to contrive your self into the company of variety, especially such beauties which are generally cry’d up; and if you can, taste them all, (but now I think on’t, it is no matter, one is sufficient for a surfeit) for this Malady is better remedy’d this way, than by abstinence: good jovial company will much conduce to the cure.

But, I like not the prescription of Marriage, since it is the last and most dangerous receipt; like a kind of live Pigeons apply’d to the soals of the feet, which remedy to say truth, is worse than the disease: Were it possible for a Woman to be constant to one, something might be said, but I never yet tryed any which did not very much shew their displeasures when offered some kindness, but never found any to refuse them, if opportunity & privacy of place admitted their reception; which hath made me often in my own thoughts question my mothers honesty and fidelity to my Father.

What I now utter, is not derived from prejudice to that Sex, grounded on my own Wifes disloyalty; but experience tells me this, which most past sixteen very well understand, that there are few Women, let them pretend what they please, but will yield to the temptations of the flesh, and so much the sooner, by how much she professeth some new light, which is _Ignis fatuus_ that leads them into the _Quagmires_ of all sorts of erronious Tenents. With this dark Lanthorn-Light they dazle the eyes of such as would pry into their actions, whiles behind in the dark they sensually satisfie themselves undiscovered.

Experience dictates what I here express; for I have had converse with several of these Religious pretenders, that in the very act would very much inveigh against Adultery with their tongues, whilst their Bloods willingly consented to the commission of that sin, and then immediately after seem extremely pensive, using these and such like formal expressions: _Fie, fie, I wonder how you durst sin thus, even before the face of your Creator. Do you think he saw you not? yea verily, and you shall answer for what you have now done_; whereas it could never have been done without a mutual consent.

They will make it their daily discourse, speaking against such whose natural inclinations have prompted them to unlawful satisfaction of their lust, and yet they themselves are at the same time studying how they may secretly and securely accomplish the same thing.

To conclude, Woman in general is the very extract of inconstancy, and therefore it is but a vain thing for any to think she can absolutely love one man. Such who are found constant to their Husbands, preferring their welfare before the indulging of their own by-respects, ought to be lookt on no less then Miracles of their Sex, by such who are acquainted generally with Female dispositions and actions.

CHAP. XXIII.

_He Cheats his Creditors by knavish breaking, and runs away from _Ireland_. He is Shipwrackt on the Isle of _Man_._

Whilst my credit was good, I thought good to make use of it, lest that failing, I should want an opportunity to march off with flying Colours. To raise my repute amongst my Neighbours (whom I knew would spread abroad what they had seen) I caus’d a Porter (whom I could intrust) to carry out privately an hundred pound, and a little while after to come with a trusty friend of mine with that, and five or six hundred pound bags more on his back, openly carrying them. Upon my receipt hereof, I presently tumbled the Money out of the bag (which had really mony in it) on the Counter, purposely making a great noise: having told it over (my friend standing by the while) I put it up; and pretending to lay that aside and take another, I took up the same again, so doing till I had told it over five or six times; then writing in publike view a Receipt, with much civility and respect I dismist my Gentleman. And this did I thrice in a months time; so that by this means without suspition I conveyed away a great quantity of my Goods, which people thought I had sold, & therefore thought me to have a great trade. Report hereby rendred me a man of vast dealing, so that now I had goods dayly offer’d me, some whereof I received, promising to them payment at three moneths, others at six; whereas I intended they should stay till her had her twelve Apostles for her Jury. What Wares or Moneys I could take up, I did, not mattering at what rate. To some of the more wary sort I confest a Judgment for their security. I needed not to have spoken in the Singular number, for I deluded four with my Judgments. What commodities I had, I converted into money by a bill of Sale, and so went away, leaving my Creditors to sue out a Statute of _Bankrupt_ if they so pleased; which I valued not, if once out of their reach. To my chiefest Creditor I sent these lines, to the intent he should not tax me with incivility for going away and not sending him word.

_Credit doth strengthen such whose Trades are weak, But too much Credit, Sir, did make me break. Credit to sinking Trades-men is a prop, But had you kept your Wares, I’de kept my Shop. Pray do not blame me, Sir, because I show A way to pay those many debts you owe: Which you may do, if you’l advised be, Which is in short, prepare to follow me. Believe me, faithful Sir, in what I say, I went before, but to shew you the way: But you will not, don’t lament your loss, For in your Money I do bear the cross. Grief will distract you, and destroy your wit; Good Sir, preserve it, for y’ ave paid for it._

I rid post for _Holy-head_ night and day, so that I arrived there in a very short time: going to dismount, I tumbled off, neither could I rise again; continual and unaccustomed riding had almost dislocated every bone in my body, notwithstanding it was swathed for that purpose. The next day I made a shift to walk abroad to view the Rarities of the Town, but found nothing rare but handsome Women, Civility, and good Drink. In two days time we set Sail: we had not ran above three Leagues before the Sky darkned; the Wind blew hard at a South-East, and the Waves rose mountain-high: In an hours time we were forced to cut our Masts by the board, and lightning the Ship as much as we could, let her drive. Every man fell to his Prayers, expecting every moment when they should be swallowed up by the Sea. As for my part, I now thought divine vengeance had overtaken me, and would reckon with me for all my Rogueries; I lookt on my self as _Jonas_, & was much troubled that others should suffer for my iniquities. About three a Clock in the morning we heard a hideous noise occasioned by the beating of the Sea against the Rocks, which was ecchoed by the loud and lamentable cries of the Seamen, who now knew there was no hope for us. Now could I pray heartily, that had never pray’d in my life before: but my Devotion was soon spoiled, for the Ship struck in between two Rocks. I lookt out, and methought the dashing of the waves lookt perfectly like flashes of Fire. Here she stuck a little while, which gave five of us opportunity to leap out upon a Rock: we were no sooner there, before a wave fetcht her off, but brought her on again, and split her all to pieces. We five in the mean time riding astride on a Rock behind one another, like so many Criminals on a _Woodden-horse_. Sometimes a wave would strike clear over us, which indangered our washing off. Sometimes we thought to let go our hold, as looking upon our preservation to be impossible; and withal imagining that the tide was coming in. At last the hindmost could hold no longer, but crying, _Lord have mercy on my Soul_, committed himself to the merciless Sea. Immediately came a tumbling Sea and washt of the next; now did I expect that every wave would prove my Executioner. But it was not decreed (I suppose) that I should be drown’d. Day broke, so that we could discern we were not a Coits cast from Shore, and that the Sea was ebbing. We waited not above an hour before we crawled to Shore, for go we could not, our joynts were so benumb’d by the cold. We got up the Beach, and could discern a little way distant a small Cottage; thither were repaired with much difficulty, and were kindly entertained, pittyed, and informed where we were. We stay’d about a week in this Isle of _Man_, without one farthing expence. For the Inhabitants are generally very civil, and courteous, and especially to Strangers. From thence we imbarkt for _Dublin_.

CHAP. XXIV.

_His Arrival into _Ireland_: he changeth his Name: what trick he serv’d his first Landlady; all his Money being spent, and those Goods and Coyn likewise Shipwrackt which he expected to follow him._

We landed at a place called _Ringsend_ about a mile from _Dublin_. I was askt whether I would have a Coach. Where are there any, said I? (for I lookt about me, and could see nothing like a Coach) the fellow lookt upon me to be a very ignorant person, because I understood not what he meant, and angerly spake thus: _By my Gossips hand, thou canst not see very much well, arre look here is one by thine own side_. It was a great while before I could tell what language he spoke, he did so tone his words; neither could I understand him, till one standing by interpreted him. As for his _Ringsend_-Coach, as he call’d it, it was Wheel-barrow fashion, only it had two Wheels not much bigger then a large _Cheshire_ Cheese: the Horse that drew this Princely-pygmy-Chariot, I at first mistook for an over-grown Masty; but viewing him narrowly, found him the extract (by his shape) of a _Scotch-Hobby_; well, up I mounted, but could not invent a name for the manner of my riding, for I was neither coacht nor carted, but I fancyed my self (and that justly) as I was riding, to be some notorious Malefactor drawn on a Sledge to the place of execution, which afterwards experimentally I found _Dublin_ to be: many of its Inhabitants call this City _Divlin, quasi Divels Inn_, & very properly it is by them so termed; for there is hardly a City in the world that entertains such variety of Devils Imps as that doth. If any knavishly break, murder, rob, or are desirous of Polygamy, they straightway repair thither, making that place, or the Kingdom in general, their Azylum, or Sanctuary. My first care was to plant my self conveniently; the next day I sent for a Barber to shave all my hair off, ordering him to bring me a Periwigg of an absolute contrary colour to my own hair, to the intent that if I should meet with any of my former acquaintance, they might not know me, whereby I should prevent their sending notice to any where I was. The truth of it is, in this disguize I hardly knew my self. The greatest difficulty I found, was to make my self familiar with my fictitious name. At first when my Landlady called me by that name, I either star’d her in the face, or lookt behind me, (not answering thereunto) thinking she had spoke to some man else: but had I not pretended to be thick of hearing, and so that way apologizing for my silence, my design might have been marr’d. I daily met with several I knew, but would not take the least cognizance of them.

In this manner I spent a moneth, but all this while no tidings of my Goods and money; that which I had brought with me was all consumed. My Landlady (as it is customary there, having as little trust or faith as they have Religion) called upon me for what I owed her. For a little while, I stopt her mouth, by telling her I had a considerable quantity of Goods and Money too coming, which I expected by every fair wind. A little while after I heard the Ship in which they were was cast away. Now did I absolutely conclude Gods just judgement attended my fraud and knavery. My loss I did not in the least discover to any, knowing I should reap at first only some pitty, and afterwards be undervalued and disrespected. My Hostess again was very importunate with me to have her Reckoning: I endeavoured to put her off, saying, I expected daily Bills of Exchange; but she would not believe me; for I perceived that she had been often cheated with such delusions.

Now did I not know what to do: I thought good to try another way; she being a Widdow, I fancyed I could work upon her Female frailty: I used all means possible to get her alone; which I did but seldom, and then did I make use of all my Rhetorick to perswade her into a belief how dearly I loved her: she replyed little, but would laugh at me till she held her sides again. I verily believe she understood my drift, which I might argue from her expressions. Sometimes she would say, Come, come, away with these love-fooleries, and pay me what you owe. Then would I tell her, all I enjoyed, & my self too, were properly hers, and that she might take them when she pleased into her possession. No, no, she would say, my youthfull days are past, and it is time for me to look Heavenwards; wherefore let fall your suit, _&c._

Since words would no ways prevail, I resolved to try something else, knowing how difficult it is for a Woman when in bed to refuse a Venereal proffer. To that purpose one night I came softly into her Chamber, and groping with my hand for her face, I caught a man by the Beard: at which he awaked, and thinking the Devil was come to trim him, or rob him of his Wash-balls, would have cryed out aloud, but that fear had so lockt up his voice, that his highest note was little louder then whispering; I could but just hear him say, _In the name of —— what art?_ I am, said I, (and then she wak’d too) no Ghost, but a living witness of your leachery; to that intent I came hither, to be fully satisfied of what I have a long time suspected. As for you Madam, _your youthful days are past_, but your lust will endure for ever. If this be your way to Heaven, why were you so uncharitable as not to let me go along with you? As for your part, Sir, I believe that you are traveling that way too; for if I mistake not, you lately came out of Purgatory.

To be short, they both intreated me to be silent, and retire to my own lodging, & that in the morning they would treat with me to my full satisfaction. This was what I aimed at, though brought about otherwise then intended. Early they both came to me: the pious Gentlewoman being very tender of her credit, would forgive me my Debt, if I would not blemish her reputation by my report; her Gallant gave me ten pieces to bind the bargain: having gotten a discharge under her hand, I sealed our contract with an Oath and faithful promise never to divulge their shame. The Gentleman (though his estate much exceeded hers) out of spight, I think, or vexation to be so caught, _incontinently_ married her, though all former sollicitations (which I understood were many) proved ineffectual.

CHAP. XXV.

_He is driven to extreme necessity; he describes what it is to be indigent, by what he suffered in that condition._

This ten pound I received from my old leacherous Dotard, made its _Exit_ almost assoon as its entrance into my Pocket: by that sum I thought to have purchased Mountains in _Ireland_ (and indeed there is too great plenty of them there,) by gaming; but experience told me afterwards that my design was hazardous, and so it proved, for I met with a person that _bubbled_ me at Hazard, not leaving me a penny, and ingaged besides for my proportion of the Reckoning. My Gamester dealt too hardly with me; yet it was but just, for I intended to show him as little favour, if compell’d to lye at my mercy, which I verily thought would be, having various Utensils about me to that purpose, but I was overmacht.

_I thought my self secure, for I could top, By which I’ve forc’d some Cits to leave their shop. I palm’d, and put the change upon them too; I only studyed how I might undo. But now I’m met with, ’tis but just I see, That he which others cheats, should cheated be._

I returned to my Lodging, (which was none of the best) with what anxiety and perturbation of mind, I shall give any looser leave to imagine, whilst the remembrance thereof enforceth me to speak; and I hope the Reader will give me that liberty, since the Proverb intaileth on the looser that priviledge. I acquainted my Landlord with my misfortune, who seem’d very much to condole me for the present, but it was afterwards the occasion of his not crediting me. From hence, I will advise all to speak as little as they can of ills that betide them; but we cannot discourse too much of the good that happens to us. Perceiving my Landlord grew cold, my spirit was too high to be any longer beholding to him but for my Lodging; wherefore I seldom came home till night. Neither would I make known my condition to any that knew me. Sometimes I should meet with some in the street, who would ask me to drink with them; my usual answer was, I came from it but even now: insisting farther, that such a Gentleman, with two or three more besides my self, had drank so much, and that I admired at my self for being so sober; whereas to deal ingenuously, I had not drank one drop that day. Another seeing me, would ask me whether I would dine with him at the Ordinary? then would I pretend that my Lord —— Gentleman over-persuaded me to dine with him, and that we had such variety, that I doubted my stomack had received some detriment thereby; and therefore beg’d an excuse; whereas a dry crust taken out of my _Leather Cupboard_, was all the varieties the _Gentleman-Vsher_ of my stomack, my throat I mean, had taken cognizance of that day. So hard it was too, that I would look this way, and that way, not daring to commit it to the engine of my Chops, unless there was none near me within a furlong; for had there been any near me, they would have sworn I was eating Walnuts shells and all. Now did I learn to drink Water, which necessity made me to commend as the most soveraign liquor, and most suitable to the body of man; otherwise _Adam_ in Paradise would not have been without a cup of Ale.