Part 15

_SIR, You seemingly do proffer fair, but know, Hanging attends such kindnesses you show. The hope of profit tempts me; loss of life O’repow’rs perswasions, and so ends the strife. Had I two Lives, my deeds should make it known, How little I would care to hazard one; But having solely one, I will not try Its loss; _as yet I have no mind to dye_. Should we proceed then, and be taken in it; Death and damnation seize us in a minute. Cease then, and let your fancy’s suit with mine, We’l plot no _Treason_, but to get good _Wine_: That being had, let each man’s _face_ declare Th’ _Indian Mines_ not so rich as ours are. If we want Coyn, the best way, I suppose, Is to transmute the _Metal_ of my _Nose_._

I never receiv’d any answer to what I wrote, neither did I ever see my new friend after, which was according to my own desire, but I heard of his sad destiny, whereof I should have participated, had I listed my self in that Mettle-simulating Regiment. Some found out operating in the obscurest thickets of woods; others were detected clipping in dark Concaves on _Black-heath_, and their Ringleader discovered in his own house, in a deep Vault befitting his purpose; who, though he had timely notice to remove his tools, yet, by his Seizers they were found hid in a Chimney-mantletree, hollowed to that intent, with a shutter at the end. After the dismal catastrophe of these Hazardous fools, I had like to have been put to a great trouble, though not in the least guilty of the accusation: and thus it was; an indigent Hanger-on, having taken notice of my being once or twice in the company of the chief of those lately executed, came to me one Evening, and requested some private discourse: I consented: being together (laying aside several Formalities that ushered in his discourse) he told me, that I was taken notice of as a notorious disperser of Counterfeit money, and that there was a warrant out to apprehend me, and, that out of pure love to a man so young and fairly promising as my self, he thought himself bound in duty to preserve if he could, by giving timely notice to shun that, which, if neglected might prove destructive. I immediately saw the _Rogue_ peep through the Vizard of dissimulation, and therefore instead of giving thanks I gave him a blow over both the eyes, to the intent he should not see how I would beat him, which was in such a manner, that he could not see himself for three days afterward. This fellow I understood to be a Dunner for the Prisoners of their confederates abroad; and if they would not continually let down their milk, impeach them, and were often condemn’d.

CHAP. XIX.

_He breaketh his Master (by the help of his Mistress) and so sets up for himself with that money he had unlawfully gotten in his Apprenticeship, and credit besides: what a trick he served his Master at last: his Master and Mistress soon after dy’d._

But to proceed, now I had served my time, and was accordingly made free; but sollicited by my Master to stay some longer time as a Journeyman, which I consented to, knowing it could not be long: for we had so purloined from him, that it was impossible for him to subsist any longer. His Creditors visited him daily, so that now his whole time was taken up in studying fair promising words to satisfie them for the present, and tell them when they _should come again_. My Master perceiving the danger he was in, would neither stir abroad, no, not so much as come into the Shop. He now standing upon the brow of a very high Hill, and being forced to descend, I resolved to save him the labour, and so threw him down headlong.

By this time I had conveyed away a sufficient quantity of his Goods, intending them for my own use; and stowed them in a Warehouse which I had lately taken privately for my purpose. My Master one night told me his intended design, that he was resolv’d to pack up all his Goods, and to gather in what moneys he could, and so take his wife with him for _Ireland_. I thought I should have dy’d at first when I heard him talk of carrying his wife with him, and could not forbear dropping some tears; which he perceiving, his trickled down his Cheeks to bear mine company. Well now, said he, I see thou lovest me too, as well as thou hast hitherto proved faithful. But the dearest friends must part (& with that he wept again like a child) however my comfort is, I hope we shall see each other in Heaven. I thought with my self, I had rather see him in the Counter. And from that minute I contriv’d how I might effect it: For at that time I should never have been able to have brookt a separation between my Mistress and self, especially at so great distance. She and I often consulted what to do; Sometimes we were in the mind to take what money the _old fool_ had, and so run away together, with many stratagems which we propounded; but were rejected as no ways expedient nor convenient. At last I resolved on this, that she should acquaint her self of the exact time and way he intended to go, and so inform me thereof. I receiv’d information in a short time after, that before break of day, at such a time he would take Horse at _Islington_, and so for _Winchester_. I immediately sent away word to one of his chiefest Creditors, making known to him the sum and substance of every thing, and, that if ever he expected to receive what was due to him, he must at such a time have Officers ready to way-lay him, in order to his arrest, which was punctually done according to what instructions I sent him in a letter, without a name subscribed thereunto. He had not been long in custody, before I was sent for, to advise with him what was best to be done in this his great extremity and perplexity. I could do no less than seemingly condole his misfortunes, and withal seemed to be very active as to his assistance, running up and down to his Creditors to bring them to a compliance; but he had been better to have sent some person else as sollicitor in his businesse, for by my means I made his wound incurable. Seeing there was no remedy but patiently to endure his inevitable imprisonment, he got an Horse (as some men term it) _alias_ a _Duce facies_, and so remov’d himself to _Ludgate_, where he had not been long e’re he dy’d for grief.

In the mean time my Mistress had secured what he had, which I enjoy’d. I had now an House and Shop of mine own, very well furnisht; but withal I was grown so deboist and profusively lavish, that I seldom was at home but at night, and then in bed with my Mistress, who was very importunate with me to marry her: I confesse I loved her intirely as my Mistresse, or Whore, but I hated her as my Wife, knowing very well that if she would be an Whore to me, and have an Husband, she would be so to another when I was in the formers place. She now found her self with Child; whereupon (taking _upon her my duty_) she daily prest me to save her Credit. But I delay’d, putting her off continually with specious pretences, which her love and facileness easily swallow’d. The time of her delivery approaching, I went down into the Country with her; and because it was at hand, I stay’d to see the event: Within a short while she fell in labour (now because we were known for no other than Man and Wife,) when her throws came upon her, she would not let me stir out of the room. Her pain growing intollerable, she called me hastily to her, and getting my hand within hers; Farewel, said she, I dye for thee; thy last unkindnesse in not performing thy promise, and not returning love answerable to mine, hath untimely yielded my days: with that she groaned, and then using her former expressions, cryed out, Love my memory however, since I die for thee. She uttered not one word afterwards, being as good as her word: The good woman lookt strangely on me, every one passing their verdict, and all concluding her none of my Wife. The _first Christians_ under the great _Persecution_, suffered not in 500 years so many several wayes, as I did in five hours, by the peoples Tongues. I must needs say, I took it very much to heart, that Report, which made _Richard_ the _Second_ alive so often after he was dead, should kill me as often whilst alive; desiring them at last to wave their Censures (which they exprest publickly) I intreated them with all the Rhetorick I could produce to endeavour the reviving of my Wife, which if past recovery, to use means to preserve the Child. In a short time they told me that was dead likewise. At first I showed much grief, which was unfeigned, being not so much afflicted for the loss of her, as affected with those words she uttered when she breathed her last. I was too conscious of my own guilt, and therefore they made the deeper impression in my very Soul.

But all these perturbations of mind I dissipated with a glasse or two of Canary, which was the common antidote I us’d against care, sorrow, and vexation, _&c._ I now provided things necessary for her Funeral, which were not vulgar; which I might the better do, having made my self her Executor before, taking all she had into my custody. In memorial of her, and her fidelity, I wrote this Epitaph on her Tombstone.

_Women they say will _lye_, but now I see ’Tis false, to th’ last she spake the _truth_ to me. Farewel said she, I thought my grief t’have hid, _I die for love of thee_,——and so she did. Here with her lies her Child, that strove in vain To untomb it self to be intomb’d again. But rest my babe, thy cares with life are gone, _Thou’lt rise again_, though now a setting Sun. Though wonders cease, thy Mothers death doth prove They may revive, for she did _die for love_._

CHAP. XX.

_His credit becomes suspected by his exorbitant manner of living in Drinking, Whoring, Gaming, &c. He thinks to sawder up that crack by Marriage; he is deceived both in Person and Portion._

Returning to my own Habitation, I found that my so long absence had raised a jealousie in my Neighbours breasts, that I was run away; which rested not there, but spread like a Canker, so that this flying report came to some of my Creditors ears, which made them both impatient and importunate with me for their moneys; I wondered whence proceeded their unexpected haste. Some that would not be put off with promises, I was forced to pay; from others I obtained a little longer forbearance, which gave me but liberty to prosecute my former courses. If I was at the Tavern, I was either drunk, ingaged in a quarrel, and so involv’d in blood; or else at play, if not at a Bawdy house, which places I could not refrain from frequenting, though I kept one _of my own at home_. For I would not entertain a Maid, but what was more than ordinarily handsome, whom I commonly vitiated either by presents, or promises if I got them with child. When I was weary of one, I paid her off, with some additions to her wages, and entertain’d another, who would in a short time be wrought upon as well as her predecessors, being ambitious to lie with her Master, and vainly hoping that to be the first step to her preferment, thinking of nothing but presently marrying, and so be Mistress. In three years that I lived as a Master I had nine illegitimates, which I knew, four whereof were begotten of my Maids, which put me to a vast expence. Two of the Mothers would have forced me to have married them, or allowed them competent maintenance (for they were subtil cunning baggages) had I not by a wile got them aboard a Vessel bound for _Virginia_, and never heard of them since. Besides two or three terrible Claps, which cost me a considerable sum in their cure. This distemper, as it caused a _consumption_ in my Pocket, so it impaired my wonted strength, and almost spoiled my natural Talent.

_For now it is much like Paul’s Steeple turn’d A stately thing before the top was burn’d._

I now began to be sensible of my folly, and so resolved to take up in time, and redeem by degrees my lost credit by a temperate sober life; but that I found I had wasted my self extremely, by which means I became lesse capable of reacting what I had before done, and my mind in a manner satiated, I question whether I should have had now such penitent thoughts. For a while I kept my Shop diligently and constantly; I would not drink with any but at home; my sudden alteration made people admire, and the suddennesse of my reformation was the common discourse of all my Neighbours: The Parson of our Parish hearing of my strange alteration, came to me, which I admired at; for before, he that had the least care or respect of his Reputation, would avoid all occasions of being seen in my company, lest they might be suspected extravagant and deboist.

_Pares cum paribus facillime congregantur._ Birds of a Feather will flock together.

The shortness of his hair declar’d him a member of the _Circumcision_, but his _triple cap_, or three _caps_ on his head, shew’d, though he hated the very name of _Rome_ or _Babylon_, yet he lov’d formerly a Whore _in private, though common_. His Cloak was fac’d down with _zeal_ before, and his Band appear’d but as a _broad hem_, to shew that a _hem_, with _two or three formal spits_, or a feigned Cough, was the usual supply of his discourse, when he had _thrasht_ himself in his _Cloak_ out of breath in the _Pulpit_. His looks resembled the _bleer-ey’d Printing_ at _Geneva_ (and his face like that sort of ragged paper on which they work off their impressions. After he had set his face into a Platform, he delivered himself. I shall not relate exactly his own canting words, or what he borrowed from Scripture, being sensible, _non est tutum ludere cum sacris_, but give you the substance, which was first a reproof for my extravagancies: secondly, some general instructions, (pickt out of a common-place Book) for my future practice: and lastly, some encouragements drawn from various motives to proceed (without looking back) toward a good life: on which three points he ran divisions strangely, till Dinner-time, and then his stomach petitioned him to shut his mouth, lest it should be deprived of its appetite by receiving in too much air.

In this seeming strictness of life I lived two or three months, and now some began to have charitable thoughts of my Soul: & that I might regain my runnings out by future diligence and industry.

I had several Matches offered me, which I saw, but liked them not; for I had always been a general lover, and could not now come to particulars. At last it was my misfortune to see one, whom I was wisht to; and which at first sight robbed me at once, both of my self and good company.

Formerly I was pleasing and affable, desirous and desired of good society, but never lived till now an _Anchorite_ on earth. Neither did I ever till now tie up mine eyes to one particular face, giving them free liberty to wander. But now at last I fell from my primitive liberty, losing it totally, by dotage on a Creature, and that a Woman too: a just judgement on me for my manifold sins, to throw this thing in my way for me to stumble at. And it will appear in its due place that she was a _bow’d token_ of my _Maker’s_ displeasure sent me, for she was Crooked.

CHAP. XXI.

_How he was married, and what kind of thing his Wife._

I made strict enquiry after the condition of my intended Wifes Parents, and found by report they were very wealthy. In a short time we had conference together about the Portion, and my Estate, and therein we were all satisfied. My Courtship was very Noble, yet not Prodigal, for fear of giving offence; and in a little while we were married. By her looks I thought her so modest, that an unchaste thought durst not enter into her head, since all immodest expressions she banished from her ears.

The first night I thought to have had the first _taste_, but my experience told me the _Tarriers_ had been there before. This struck me into an amazement, that there should appear such Virgin-whiteness, and the extract of innocence in her face, yet be guilty of a crime so notorious. Much perplext I was, but durst not vent my self, what was more than bare suspition. In one half years time what I intended to conceal could be hid no longer, being brought to bed three months before her time; and yet the Bawd her Midwife would make me believe this was usual; and that Children brought forth at six months might live.

Now began our domestick Civil Wars, which was carried on with such fury between us, that there was hardly an Utensil in the Kitchin that could rest in quiet from flying about our ears continually. My Wife acted the _Silent Woman_ to the life, whilest in a single state; for before we were married all her answers were very short, comprehended within the two Monosyllables of _I_, and _No_; and those two must be forcibly extracted from her. But now her tongue wagg’d in a perpetual motion, and her voice so shrill and loud, that it would be heard distinctly, though a piece of Ordnance were discharged near her at the same time, or standing at the Bell-room-door whilest the Bells were ringing. Frequent were her complaints to her Father and Mother, which alienated their affection from me, so that their only study was how to be rid of me. Her forgeries (to excuse her own _Devilry_) had so instigated them, that they sought my ruine by all wayes imaginable. Besides they laid an _Imbargo_ on the rest of my Wives portion unpaid; advising her withal to secure what she could, for her own self-preservation. She followed their instructions so exactly, that in a short time I found my self in a very declining condition, yet knew not the cause, till it was too late, conveying away both my goods and money, some whereof went to supply the necessities of her Stallion.

I was all along jealous of this, though I could not conclude her altogether so culpable. But my doubts and fears which of all are the sharpest passions, could not turn this distemper into a disease (although they lookt through false Opticks, making things appear like evening shadows, disproportionable to the truth, and strangely longer than the true substance) till knowledge hereof (confirmed me by the witnesses of my eyes) had banisht bare suspition.

Which was thus, One night I caused my self to be brought home by a Porter as dead drunk; my Wife received me in that condition (I perceived by peeping out of my eye-lids) with much satisfaction, and was immediately carried up to bed; with much difficulty they undrest me, pretending my self asleep all this while, and so they left me. It seems by the story that my Wife presently sent away the Maid (which was her Pimp) to her friend to come at such an hour. About nine of the clock the Maid was posted to bed; and about ten I heard one small knock at the door: he needed not to knock there any longer, for there was one below that was ready to receive him. When I judg’d they were incircled in each others arms, (which I understood by hearkning at the bottom of the stairs, and thereby knew whereabout they were) I ran in upon them with my Sword (which I had prepared ready) & thinking to have run them through the body, intending to make a passage for their Souls escape, I past my Sword through the fleshy part of both their thighs. At which they made a most hideous outcry, so that the Maid came running down: and a Watchman that stood just at my door hearing the noise, knockt at the door, to know what was the matter; the Maid apprehending the danger, let him in, who by the help of his Candle, never saw so strange a sight; for I had so pin’d them together, that they could not stir. As well as they could speak, they both begg’d their pardon for their lives only, which I granted, as looking on my revenge somewhat satisfied.

My Gentleman I dismist, but as for his Mistress I was forced to send for a Chyrurgeon, whose wound needed no probing, but tenting, for it was through and through. There was no concealing of what was done; wherefore in the morning early I acquainted her Parents with what had happen’d last night, insisting further, that since she had instead of putting off handsomly the Chain of Matrimony, rudely broke it, it should be her own damage; neither would I be at the cost of a visitation to repair the breach. To which I added, that had I deny’d her things requisite and necessary, or not performed duly my duty, she might have had some pretence for her slighting me, and look upon me only as a false Crow set up in a Garden, to keep others from the fruit it cannot taste it self. But since it was otherwise, and that she had nothing to object against me, but onely sometimes curbing her inordinate desires; I wisht them to save me the labour of having the Law to tear her from me, but that they would remove her elsewhere.

They reply’d but little, hastning to their daughter; and fearing worse mischief might ensue, they instantly conveyed her into the Country. She had not remained there long, before she was cured, and not enduring to be confined to solitariness, repaired again to the City, where now she lives, as such do that keep Civet-Cats; but I hear she is very reserved to all but such she knows she may intrust her self with. But let her go with these Lines pin’d to her back.

_There never yet was woman made, Nor shall, but to be curst; And oh! that I (fond I) should first Of any Lover This Truth at my own charge to other Fools discover._

_Ye that have promis’d to your selves Propriety in Love; Know womens hearts like straws do move, And what we call Their Sympathy, is but love to jet in general._

_All Mankind are alike to them; And though we Iron find That never with the Loadstone joyn’d, ’Tis not the Irons fault, It is because the Loadstone yet was never brought._

_If where a gentle Bee hath fallen And laboured to his power, A new succeeds not to that flower, But passeth by ’Tis to be thought the Gallant elsewhere loads his thigh._

_For still the flowers ready stand; One buzzes round about, One lights, one tasts, gets in, gets out. All always use them, Till all their sweets are gone, and all again refuse them._

However, I must confess my own faults, as well as condemn others; which was, I was too inquisitive after that, which the more I knew, would the more disturb me. Of all things the less we know, the better. Curiosity in this renders a man as ridiculous a Coxcomb, as that Cuckold Sir _John Suckling_ mentioneth, who made diligent enquiry, whether he was made so in a bed, or on a Couch, and whether his duty-officiating Cavalier pulled off his Spurs first or not, _&c._