Part 14

I am sorry that I am so uncharitable as to say that the _zeal_ of her _Spirit_ was not so hot as that of her flesh. Every day I had some remark of her love, which I received with much submissive respects, pretending I understood not her meaning, which added but fewel to the blazing flame of love within her. I could not be ignorant, that since she began to court me, she would prosecute it to the end. Her courtship me-thought was very preposterous; she might have first received the charge from me, and by that means she would have found me prepared, whereas otherwise she might have been deceived in her expectation.

My Mistriss gave me so many opportunities, and signified her desires by so many tokens and dumb expressions, that I began to condemn my fears, which rendred me unworthy of her favours. The besieger deserves not the honour of possessing that City, whose Gates are freely opened to him, yet dares not enter. Whilst I was thus ruminating, my Mistriss came to the Counting-house where I was writing; and leaning upon my shoulder, asked me what I was doing: I told her nothing but writing. _Nothing_, I believe said she, nor never will do _any thing_, but draw up blanks, and so abruptly left me. She knew the quickness of my apprehension, and so left the interpretation hereof to my own construction.

Not long after, (thinking her words had left a deep impression, as they did) and withall concluding I would give her the sence of them, when I had an opportunity; She informs my Master that she had a great desire to visit a Gentlewoman she had not seen a long time, and requested that her man _Thomas_ (for that was my name) might wait on her: to which he assented. Though I _led her_, yet I wondered were she _led me_, through one street into another till we arrived at the water-side. She bid me call for a pair of Oars, which I accordingly did. The Watermen were very inquisitive according to their custome, to know whither we intended. Well, well, said she, put off, and then it will be time enough for you to understand. Said she, Row us up to Fox-hall. I for my part was somewhat amazed, yet I partly guessed what she drove at. I kept at a distance, shewing her the respect of a servant; which she taking notice of, laughed, saying, Come Cuz, why dost not sit neerer? to which I replyed as familiarly (for by this time I had much improved the stock of my confidence) I were best to sit a little neerer you, since I shall be the best expedient to ballance the Boat even, or trim it, for you are but _light on your side_. This expression I doubt nettled her, for presently thereupon she shot a piercing dart from her eye, (which I fancied to have penetrated my very soul) How now Cuz, said she, I thought you had a better opinion of me; I understand the Riddle, Your expressions may be very _dark_ to some, however I have too much _light_ in it. I would have made an Apology for my self, but that she hindred me by whispering me in the ear, to this effect, that if she was _light_, there was no other cause but my self, and that if I abused her love any longer, she would sit the heavier on my skirts. Landing, we went streight to Spring-Garden; by the way she told me, I must lay aside all formality, and for the better carrying on the design we went upon, she would have me as afore assume the title of Cuz. We were conducted into an obscure bower, I suppose one of _Lovels Chapels of ease_, where, without a _Clew_, it would be hard for any to find us. There was not any thing wanting that might delight the Appetite, which with much freedom we enjoyed together.

Now, said my Mistress, I shall take off the veil of my modesty, and discover to thee the very naked secrets of my heart. The first time that ever I saw thee, I had more than a common respect to thee, and there was not a time since, wherein I had the sight of thee, but that it added new fewel to the flame of my affection: I used all possible means to smother or blast it in the bud, but could not; I summoned my reason to confute my passion, and notwithstanding I alledged that there was a disproportion in our age, and unsuitableness as to our condition, and lastly how great a strain it would be to my religious profession; yet Love got the Victory over these, and would have been too strong for ten times as many; the rest she supplyed with kisses, which were infinite.

Having gained a little breath, and she again having lent me the use and _disposal_ of my own mouth, I returned to this her amorous Oration, something suitable to it by way of retaliation; Protesting with invocations, that since she had so compleated my happiness by her love, I would perish before I would be guilty of the least abuse therein.

That had it not been for the sense of my unworthiness, and fear of hazarding her love, and so gained her displeasure, no other difficulty should have deterred me from declaring, and discovering what she had prevented me in; adding, that where the quintessence of all loves contracted into one body, it could not equallize mine. Come, said she, let us leave off talking in such idle phrases, let future constancy make apparent the reallity of our affections, and let us not loose any time wherein we may mutually enjoy each other. It is but a folly for me now to mince the matter, or by my coldness endeavour to recongeal that water where the ice is too visibly broken and thaw’d. Yet let not your prudence be questioned, or reason forfeited, in making any unhandsome advantage of this my freedom. But above all, blast not my reputation by the unsavory breath of any ostentatious boasting of a Gentlewomans favours, nor let not my love cause any slighting or disrespect in you to your Master; neither let it so puffe you up with pride, as to contemn your fellow-servants. In company, shew much more reverence to me than formerly. In private, when none sees us but our selves, be as familiar and free as actions can demonstrate. Be constant to me alone, for true love will not admit of plurality. Be secret and silent, and follow not the common practise of vain-glorious Fools, that in requital of those favours they have received in private of some credulous Female, will make their braggs of them in publick. As if it were not enough for them to rob them of their Chastities, but must likewise murther their Reputations. Have a special care you slight me not, (as some squeamish or curious Stomacks use feeding too long on one sort of Food, though never so delicious) for a Womans love dispised will turn into extreme hatred, and will be ever restless till malice and revenge have consulted with Invention, how to be more than even with the slighting Injurer. She propounded more Articles, which I have forgot now, but I remember I sealed them without a _witness_. We made an end of our business for that time, with much expedition, to the intent the tediousness of our staying might not be suspected by the ignorant _Cuckold_ at home: I have reason now for so calling him.

Coming home, I applyed my self to the business of the Shop as before, enjoyning my eyes a severe pennance, not so much as to look towards that Object they so dearly loved. According to my usual time I went to Bed, but sleep I could not, for thinking on what I had done. About one a clock I was much startled, to hear something come into my Chamber; but before I could give my eyes the liberty for a discovery, my Mistress had gotten within the sheets, and not daring to speak, because my Master lay in the next room, most commonly by himself, and her chamber was the next to that, (and in a Trundle-bed underneath my Mistress’s bed lay the Maid.) Neer upon day-break my sweet Bed-fellow left me, at an unhappy time, for then was my Master awake, which might have ruined us both, which had so faln out, had he been resolute or couragious; but on the contrary, exceeding timerous, but more especially, childishly afraid of the supposed walking of Spirits: For hearing the boards crack twice or thrice, with the weight of her body; besides, by the help of Starlight, perceiving something to move all in white, he shrunk underneath the cloaths, not daring to put out his head; now did his imagination work as _strongly_ almost as his _Breech_, suggesting strange and ridiculous things to his fancy. But I shall give him leave to tell his own story. A little after it was day, being almost stifled for want of fresh Air, and choak’d with the stink that was in the Bed, he boldly & valiantly put his head out of the coverlid, and after he had thrice exorcis’d the Devil, or the supposed evil Spirit, with avoid _Satan_, repeating as often that Scriptural Sentence, _Resist the Devil and he will flye from thee_: He called out as loud as he might for me to come to him. I leapt out of Bed, and ran to him, asking him what was the matter: O _Thomas_, said he, light a Candle quickly; I running in haste to light the Candle, fell (by mistaking the first step) down the stairs, which made a terrible noise: my Master hearing me, cry’d out, (saying, O God, what will become of me?) thinking the Devil indeed had mistook me for himself, and that he was horsing me on his back to carry me away; with that he fell to prayer so fervently loud, that up starts the Mistress, and the Maids, running to know what was the matter: fear had so possessed him, that he could not be perswaded, but that they were some of the Devilish crew.

At first they thought him to be fallen mad; but finding out the cause of this distraction, with much ado my Mistress made him sensible of his mistake. Being fully assured, that they were not (yet) damned Spirits, he relates what he had seen, in this manner: My Mistress afterwards told me, that had it not been for laughing, which so busied her, that her sense of smelling for that time had left her, she could never have endured to hear him out, for that notorious stink, which came from the Bed, when he stirred ever so little.

I wonder’d, said he, that contrary to my usual custom, I awak’d about four a clock, whereas I used to sleep soundly, thou knowest till eight. I hearkned, at first I perceived onely the boards to crack, but presently after I heard chains rattle, and the stools flung about the room, the bed, and I in it, _danced_ up and down, as if a _Scotch Bagpipe_ had been plaid upon by a _Northern Witch_, and the Devil the while had Danced with me, and the Bed a Morrice, (supplying the _Bellows_ with wind.) Sometimes they pull’d me out of Bed, and laid me on the cold floor, and then tost me in again like a _Dog in a Blanket_.

Hearing no noise, I attempted to peep out; but scarcely had mine eyes recovered the top of the Bed-cloths, when I saw standing by me, a composition of meer bones, with a shrowd thrown over his shoulders, like an _Irish Brachin_, or a _Scotch Pladd_, with a light Taper in one hand (I knew not what use he could make of it, for there were only _holes_ in his head instead of eyes) and an Hour-glass in the other: he grinn’d at me with his teeth, (for he had no lips) and shaking his chains left me, which sight so terrified me, that I had like to have shot out (like a _Pudding_ in a _Bag_) all that was within me. My Mistresse had like to have broken out into extreme laughter, had not the consideration of danger (that might have ensued thereon) hindred her.

After this, it was a long time before he would be perswaded to lie in that Chamber again, which made me curse his strong conceit, for by this means he would lye with his wife, which interrupted our sweet venereal pastime. As for my part, I believed he would never have return’d to his own chamber again, for he trembled when he past through it in the day time; and if alone, he would so thunder down the stairs (fear giving wings to his feet) as if (_Vulcan_-like) he had been sent by _Jupiter head-long_ in a message.

Another accident (hapning not long after) cur’d him in part of his ridiculous belief, grounded on nothing else but fancy: In the Sellar, on a certain beam that went crosse, there were great quantity of Tenter-hooks placed there, some to hang meat on, others of a smaller sort for other uses. Our Cat being somewhat ravenous, was following the scent, and had gotten upon the Beam; her foremost feet slipping, she was strangely caught by the tail, and not able to recover her self: Being terribly pained by the hook, she made a most hideous noise, which made our Dog fall a howling. This strange din first approached my Masters ears, who awaking my Mistress, asked her now whether she would believe her own ears. At first she confest to me, she knew not what to think, her conscience being yet tender (which having no long time accustomed her self to sin, was not hardned and fear’d up) put her in mind of what she had lately committed, so that she had like to have concluded that it was _Satan_ was sent to _buffet_ her; But she having a martial spirit, and not easily daunted, she hearkned further, and then judg’d that Thieves had broken into the house.

My Master all this while was _breathing his last at both ends_, whilest my Mistress leap’d out of Bed, and came to my Chamber door, bidding me in all haste to rise, for there were Thieves in the house. I confess I had no great mind to be kill’d, and therefore I was in no great haste to rise, sometimes buttoning my Doublet, and anon unbuttoning it again; perceiving that I delaid, she came again, taxing me with Cowardise, and meanness of Spirit, which put new life into me, making me to resolve to adventure my life, rather than hazard the loss of her good opinion.

Finding my Mistress in her smock, I thought it a shame for me to have any cloaths on; and so naked as I was, we march’d on. Coming to the Stairhead, my fancy troubled me a little too, for the noise had so amaz’d me, that I would fain have my Mistress to go first; she could not forbear laughing, to observe how complemental and ceremonious at that time I was. Having scattered my fear by resolution, How do I abuse myself, said I, and with that boldly went on.

By this time a light was produced, and then those Bug-bear thoughts which darkness possesseth the fancy withal, began to vanish. There was not a hole big enough to contain a man, but what I _prob’d_. Descending the Cellar-stairs, I there plainly saw the Original cause of our fear and distraction, hanging by the tail. I called my Mistress to the sight, and now the Maids too would be Spectators, understanding the danger to be overpast.

Well, the general vote was, that the Cat should be carried up stairs to our Master, and shew him the _wound in his Tail_, for evidence to prove his guilt in being seduced by _fancy_.

He hearing some come up, thought we were all destroyed, and that they were coming up to dispatch him too: Wherefore he cryed out, _Save my Life, and take all I have_. His wife (not to encrease his perplexity) bid him quiet himself, there was no harm, nor any like to be done; and withal so convinced him of his folly, both past and present, that he had not a word to say in his own defence; he enjoyning us all silence, we were dismiss’d.

The next night, to show how much he was altered from his former temper and belief, he did lye in his Chamber aforesaid, supposedly haunted, and that same night with much joy, my Mistress and I renewed our pleasures.

CHAP. XVIII.

_How his Mistress supplyed him with money, even to superfluity; what wayes he had to spend it. He is tempted to destruction by Correctors, (_alias_) Clippers, and Coyners (_alias_) Matter-men._

I Found my Estate to encrease abundantly, for I was half sharer my self with my Master; my Mistress she put in for one too, which I had likewise; so that the good man received but the _fourth_. I had been (since my return) very sparing in my expence, having laid up my money securely: But now finding out another _rich Mine_, I thought I should be too rich, unless I contrived wayes to _draw out_, as well as _put in_.

In the first place, I thought good to buy a brace of good Geldings, for by that means I could meet whom I pleas’d, though a dozen or sixteen miles distance, and so by the quickness of return come home undiscover’d. If occasion should serve, they might very well serve for the _High Pad_. These I bought, and where they stood, I had four or five several suits, either to Ride withal, (using variety that I might pass _incognito_) or to wear when I did intend to appear splendidly to peculiar friends; and then the Prodigal himself did not spend his money more profusely than my self.

I judge it unnecessary to relate how, and in what manner I disburst great sums, since there are few that are addicted to pleasure, and have money, but know how to lay it out to the satisfaction of their desires, that is, to please all their senses. My Mistress seldome saw a piece of Gold in her Husbands hands, or some large and great piece of Silver, but she would be begging it of him, for no other intents but to give it me; which she took delight in, withal, knowing that frequent presents very much ingage the affection.

My Master seldom denyed her, (for like a Cuckold he doted on his Wife) but if he did, she would take pet, and would not eat, have the forehead bound down with a cross-cloth, look pitifully, and the like. If he askt her what she ailed, or what she was troubled at, she would say, at nothing more than your unkindness, and then weep bitterly: for, like a right _Hypocrite_, she had _tears at command_. The _Dotard_ would _melt_ too, sometimes the great Calf crying and sobbing, like a child that hath lost his Bread and Butter: Then to make his atonement, he must procure her two or three pieces, if he hath them not in the house; otherwise it shall cost him as much more wealth on the Doctor, of whom she would often pretend to take Physick, but it should be only rich _Cordials_, _strengthning Jellies_, with such like _Provocations_ to _Venery_.

For my own part, I was not idle in the mean time, laying up like the careful Bee for Winter. We returned great sums of money every day, which an acquaintance of mine knew very well; and he being dayly in the company of a fellow, who was both Coyner and Clipper, it seems a decayed Goldsmith, undone by the study of Chymistry, but now lived by some particular part thereof, as the transmutation of Metal, or so forth.

This man he informs that he knew a young Casheer, that he thought he could work to their purpose, who was very well qualified for it. An appointed time for meeting was agreed upon between them, which was made known to me: I thought of no other design but to be merry. Being met, we drank stifly, but ever and anon the stranger would beseech me to favour him with my future acquaintance, that he should think himself very happy, if I would admit him into a familiarity. I could do no less than promise so much, and so laying aside ceremonies, we entered into a very familiar discourse. But for that night there was nothing propounded, neither was it thought convenient: several times we met, (not without great expence) so that now we were grown intimately acquainted. Our discourse hapned on a time to be about Chymystry, I was forced to be mute, as not understanding any thing thereof; yet I could not but admire, to hear my new friend relate what admirable Rarities he could perform in that mysterious Art, and thereupon shew’d me a piece of Gold, demanding my opinion what I thought of it? I told him I could judge no less, but that it was what it seemed to be; he smilingly reply’d, No wonder that this should deceive you, since it will do the like to the most critical Goldsmith about the Town: No doubt, said he, you have heard of the Philosophers Stone, and what vast Estates some have mis-spent in the search thereof, how ineffectual the labour of such hath been, the miserableness of their condition makes apparent. Others, and not a few, have pretended they have obtain’d the mastery thereof, for no other intent then to delude some wealthy credulous person, making some ridiculous experiments to confirm his belief, and at last extract him to the very lees of his Estate. I shall not deludingly pretend to any thing, but what I will perform, which your own eyes shall attest. Hereupon he shew’d me various pieces, both Gold and Silver, which are the effects (said he) of my own labour and pains, imployed in an Art I have found out by the curious search and industry of my brain, with which I can convert Copper into that Metal which current money is composed of, either of which, according to the Tincture I shall give it. And to be plainer with you, out of that great love I have born ever since I first saw you, and that my actions shall make it apparent, see here this piece, according to the term of Art given, it is called a _black Dog_, with _Queen Elizabeths Head_ thereon, which is only Pewter double washed. This here is a _George plateroon_, being all Copper within, and only a thin Plate about it. Another called _Compositum_, which is a mixt Metal, and will both touch and cut, but will not endure the fiery test. He gave me the sight likewise of Pieces of _Eight_, _half pieces_ and _quarter pieces_. Then again (said he) our own Coyn we usually call _English_ Cloth, the other _Spanish_; the prices whereof are several, according to their goodness and fineness: The best you may have for 15 _sh._ the yard, _i. e._ five shillings in the pound profit; the worser for eight, ten, or more.

Now to the intent that I may compleat your happiness here, if enjoyment of Wealth will do it, I would advise you to take some of every sort, and so mingle it with the rest of your good cash, proportionably to the sum. Let me add one thing more, if any large money comes to your hand, lay it aside for me, which after I have corrected a little, (for _broad brim’d Hats are not now in fashion_) I will return it, allowing you 18 pence per pound interest.

I gave him all this while great attention, without the least interruption; but he here making a stop, I thought he expected my replication; which was to this effect, That I thankt him cordially for his respects, which I believed were real, having used that freedom with me, that I did not in the least question the greatness of profit that would redound by the acceptance of his proffer; but it being a matter of the greatest consequence, and highest concern, I desired I might have some time for consideration. This answer made him look blank, fearing lest I made a demur only to betray him, so that I saw by his countenance, he wisht he had been more sparing in his expressions. I must needs confess, I trembled all the time I was in his company, wherefore I made all the haste I could to be gone, giving him to understand, that after serious consultation with my self, I would send him an answer by my friend, and so I took my leave of him. The whole night following I spent in weighing his Proposals in the ballance of profit and preservation: I quickly found that Life’s preservation outweigh’d all other interest, and that honour, riches, and pleasure would avail little to that man that was riding _Post_ to the _Gallows_. Besides, how could I expect to escape better than others, who were frequently made wretched spectacles of rash imprudence and folly, who, having forfeited the Kings high and just displeasure, did usually betray their own selves to the Severity of the Law in that case; which hath as little Commiseration on such as on the worst of Offendors? Though I had committed several things that might come within the verge of an Indictment, yet I always shunned such actions as bore the inscription in their front, _Memento mori_. To be as good as my promise, I sent my Chimist these consequent Lines.