Part 8

The whole Family, consisting of her self, her Husband, a Son of about twenty four years of Age, and Daughter about nineteen, a Chamberlain, a Tapster or Winer, an Hostler, Cook-maid, Scullion, and two or three boyes; who were imployed under the others, were all alike, knavish enough, all guilty of such unparallel’d Knaveries as I have rarely heard of; and knowing of one anothers tricks, they out-vyed one another, striving and contending which should exceed in Roguery, and so sly and cunningly they carried it, that ’twas difficult to discover them, especially when they all joyned together to cheat or abuse any body; but when they fell out among themselves, they made excellent sport in acting the revenges they took upon one another. My Landlord loved his pleasure and profit so equally, that he made it his business to contrive how to joyn them together; and although he commonly had the best Custom of any house in the town, yet he would practice wayes to gain, and bring in more; among other wayes, he used this for one. He would take his Horse in an Afternoon, and ride out some ten or twelve miles, and so return home again; but he seldome came home, but he brought Guests with him, which he would take up by the way, thus.

If he saw a parcel of Travellers, who he thought to be good fellowes, and fit for his purpose, he would then enquire which way, and how far they travelled; to this they commonly answered, directly; and if they were for our Town, then he would joyn with them; and soon after, his second question would be, to know if they were acquainted at the Town, and at what Inn they would take up their Quarters: If they were strangers, and by that means indifferent of the place where they should lodge; then he told them, that the best Inn in the Town was his House, but not naming it to be his, or that he had any Interest in it, but only that he knew there was a good Hostess, who had a handsome Daughter that would use them well; and he seldom missed with this Bait to win them to agree to go thither with him, and accordingly to bring them home with him. But if they would not agree upon the place, and he saw there was no good to be done, then he would pretend some excuse to stay behind them, & would wait for such company as would at all points be for his turn; and with them would he enter the House as a Stranger: indeed he would call the Chamberlain, Hostler, and Tapster, by their Names; but they, who knew their Duties, would in no case shew any Duty to him. Then would he, as being acquainted in the House, tell his Fellow Travellers what provisions there was for Supper, and would be sure to draw them up to the highest Bill of Fare he could. If the Hostess, or her Daughters company were desired, he would be the forwardest to call them, and only treat and converse with them as of some small acquaintance; after supper, he would endeavour to draw on the Company to drink high, and use all possible means to enflame the reckoning; and when he saw they were well heated with wine, and the fury of their expences was over, he would pretend, out of good Husbandry, to call for a Reckoning before they went to bed, that they might not be mis-reckoned, or staid from the pursuit of their Journey in the Morning; to this they would commonly agree, and the Sum total of the reckoning being cast up, he would be the first man that would, without scruple, or inquiry into the particulars, lay down his share, and by his examples, the rest would follow; if any did question the dearness of the Victuals, or the quantity of the drink, he would by one means or other take them off, protesting that the Hostess was too honest to mis-reckon them, and that he had kept a just account himself, and was well satisfied; or else he should be as cautious from parting from his money as any of them; and then they, not distrusting him further, would by his example pay the shot. Thus would he many times, by his Crown or six shillings share, mis-reckon on them sixteen or twenty shillings; especially if they came to high drinking: and then the reckoning being paid, they went to bed, he retiring with his wife, and he would lye abed in the morning, and let them march off alone; but if they, in the Morning, did fall to drinking again, taking a hair of the Old Dog, then would he up, and at them again, make one at that sport, and many times put them out of capacity to Travel that day, and so keep them there to his profit, and their expences; he shifting his Liquor, and in the end, shifting himself out of their Companies, when he has seen his Conveniency, leaveing them to pay roundly for their folly. If they enquired after him, my Hostess would pretend he was a Chance Guest, as they were, only, she had seen him the last year, or such like; and thus he would force a Trade, and enjoy his pleasure and profit, by joyning them together; and this course did he frequently use when Guests came not in of their own accord; so that our house was seldome empty.

As mine Host, who was the Head and Chief of the House, had his tricks, so had the rest of the Family theirs, even the least in the House; for there was an unhappy boy, who was sometimes with the maid in the Kitchin, sometimes with the Tapster, attending Guests in their lodgings, and other times, with the Hostler and Horses in the Stable; this boy, though he was little was witty; and seeing that every one had their tricks, he cast about how he might have his, and have some profit in the Adventure; so that one day, mine Host being abroad, and the Tapster out of the way, he drew the drink; and not only the Beer, but carried bottles of wine to the Guests, & seeing them in a merry vain, he thought to try his skill at mis-reckoning them; and for six bottles which he carried into them when they came to pay, he reckoned them eight; and though there was some questioning of the truth, yet he justified it, and stood to it, that he had the reckoning he demanded.

This being his first considerable attempt in this Nature, for he had gained two shillings for himself, he was resolved to keep the prize for himself; and therefore putting that up in his Pocket, he delivered the rest at the Bar; the reckoning being wiped out.

But the Company falling into discourse, in short time called for more wine, and then the Tapster being returned, he officiated in the boyes place, and turning him into the stable; more wine they had, and staying longer than ordinary, and falling again to drinking, they quaffed off the other half dozen bottles of wine, and then calling to pay, the Tapster, thinking to put his old trick of mis-reckoning in practice, told them, there were seven bottles to pay; but one of the company who was more cautious than the rest, had made his observation, and every bottle that was brought in, he unbuttoned a button, and so was able to aver and justify that there was but six; and withal, the rest of the company believing him, they all fell a ranting, vowing that they would pay for no more, and farther alledging that they were mis-reckoned one or two bottles in the last reckoning; the Tapster, although he was guilty as to himself, yet he did not believe them as to the other reckoning, because he could not imagine, that the boy would be so bold as to attempt to cheat them, and therefore he huff’d as high as they in justification of the boy and himself; and such a noise they made, that the Hostess went in to know the cause of that clamour: they at first were so hot on both sides, that they would not hear her speak, neither did they speak reasonably themselves; but in the end she understood the matter, that they were wronged of one or two bottles by the Boy, and one by the Tapster; she hearing the matter, did not so much stand to justifie and vindicate the Tapster, whom she did imagine was guilty, but as for the boy, she was very confident, that he had not wronged them, and when the heat of their anger was somewhat over, she examined particulars enquiring how many bottles they paid for, they said eight: she who had not so soon forgotten what she had received, averred that she had but six _shillings_ for wine, and therefore it was a mistake; they still aledged _eight_, and she _six_, till now nobody could end the controversie but the boy, who was sought after, and in short time found in the hayloft asleep, or meditating how he should bestow his purchased Treasure; but being found, he was without any questions there immediately led away before the Gentlemen and his Mistress, who were to be judges of this matter of fact. The question was soon stated to him, and he too well understood the matter, which he stoutly deny’d, but there was quickly such clear evidence appeared against him, that he was found guilty; for he not dreaming or mistrusting any such matter, had not conveyed the money away, so but that the pockets being searched, there the two _shillings_ were found, to the great shame and confusion of the small delinquent: this was to the great amazement of the Guests, his Mistress, and the Tapster; but the money being laid down, and two bottles wine being brought in for it, the Gentlemen were well enough pleased, and made no further enquiry into the other bottle, which the Tapster had likewise mis-reckoned them; so that he scaped without shame or punishment, so did not the boy, who was not only ashamed, but was ordered to be severely punished, and therefore the next morning was fetched up by the under Hostler, (one who was not so wise as the boy, though in growth he was much biggar) with a Cat of nine tailes, which gave so great an impression on the poor boyes buttocks, that he was resolved on a revenge, which he effected, as I shall presently tell you. This boy was now looked on as an errant cunning Rogue, and one who without good looking to would be too wise for them all, for he had presumed to mis-reckon two _shillings_ in six _shillings_, and put it all into his own pocket, whereas the Tapster who was a proficient in cheating, and licensed therein (but with this _proviso_, that half of what he gained thereby was to be paid to his Mistress) only endeavoured to mis-reckon one _shilling_ in six; so that, I say, the boy was narrowly watched, and had many a blow on the back, and box on the ear, more than formerly; he who knew he had deserved it, for he was guilty of many petty waggeries, was forced to bear, but however he made provision against it, for his Mistress using to pommel him on the shoulders with her fist, he one time took a paper of pins, sticking them with the points upwards, placed them between his Doublet and Cassock; and his Mistress striking him, as she was wont to do, did light upon the pins, pricked her hand till the blood ran down her fingers ends, and the boy running away, she could not imagine how this was done, for she saw nothing upon his coat, that should cause it; so the boy getting away, removed the paper with pins, and there was an end of the matter for that time. The Mistress finding she had suffered by striking him on the shoulders, would come no more there with her bare hands; but used a cudgel, if it were near her, and if not she would use to slap him on the mouth with the back of her hand; and one time, he being in the Kitchen, and she running after him to strike him, he claps a knife, which lay near him, into his mouth, with the edge outwards, she not minding that, but endeavouring and intending to give him a great blow did so, but to her cost, for she cut her knuckles in such pitious manner, that the blood ran down abundantly, and now it was no fooling matter, but Chyrurgions work, wherefore one was sent for, and the boy ran away to his wonted dormitory, the hay-loft. The Mistress took her Chamber, and towards Evening the Master came home, and bringing with him some Guests, he soon missed his wife, and thereby knew the occasion of her retirement, and it was not long ere he saw the boy, the Authour of the harm; he therefore took up a cudgel, and ran hastily after the Boy, who fearing the danger, betook him to his heels, and ran cross a dunghill in the yard; the Master being eager to pursue the boy, did not take the same course the boy had done, who had passed over a board he had laid there on purpose, but the Master missing of that, went on one side, and fell into a great filthy hole, which by reason of much wet and rain, was there slightly covered; and had he not been helped out by the Hostler, he might have stifled; he having recovered his feet, left the pursuit of the boy, and was forc’d to be conducted to bed, which was to his great grief and dammage, for he had spoiled his cloaths, wet himself, and which was worst of all, he by this means was disappointed of his purpose in making a prey of his guests he had brought in with him to that purpose. But the Tapster and others, did their best in that behalf, and the Boy was again committed to the disciplination of the under Hostler, who by the command of his Master, almost flead the poor boys buttocks.

The Boy was now revenged of his Master and Mistress, who finding him so unlucky, had no great mind to meddle with him, neither did the Boy studdy any revenge upon them; but so often as he saw the under-Hostler, who had now twice been his tormentor, his blood would boyle at him, and all his study was to be even with him; and thereupon he watched for all opportunities, and it was not long ere he found one. There was meat at the fire to be roasted, and he was ordered to look to and wind up the Jack, which was made to go by a stone weight, which was fastned to pulleys, and when the Jack was woond up, the stone weight being on the out-side of the house, was drawn up two storyes high, to the eves of the house; the boy observing this, and that the Jack-weight was down, and seeing his Enemy the under Hostler in the Yard, just by the jack-weight he lifted that off from the hook, and conveighed it under the girdle of the Hostler, just behind, he not perceiving it: when he had thus done, he ran into the Kitchin, and woond up the Jack, the Hostler being none of the wisest, wondered what it was that first of all held him by the back, and afterwards drew him up from the ground; but it was too late ere he discovered the truth, for he was now hanging in the aire; his girdle was of strong leather, with a great brass buckle and thong, which he could not possibly undo; neither durst he attempt it for fear of falling, and therefore he was in short time drawn up to the top; the boy not thinking this revenge not enough, seeing no body came, proceeded further, and taking a parcel of wet horse-litter, and some dry hay, he placed it just underneath the Hostler, and set fire to it, which made such a smother and smoke, that the poor Hostler was almost choaked, wherefore he roared out most hideously; the boy having done all he intended, said, _Now remember the Cat with nine tayles_, and so ran away; by this time the Hostler made so much noise, and the jack together, being forced by weight to go faster than ordinary, that at the noise all the houshold ran to see what was the matter, when, in short, there was found the poor Hostler hanging between heaven and earth, and with coughing and roaring he purged forwards and backwards, but most backwards; in regard his girdle forced it downwards by pressing and gripeing his stomach, so that he was in a most lamentable pickle; and so great was the astonishment of all the beholders, that he was come down almost to the bottom, ere the smoaking hay was removed, or he relieved; but at length down he came, and thus ended this adventure.

CHAP. VIII.

_The Boy learns, and practises Vaulting and tumbling, the maid servant attempting to do the like, is intangled, caught in the manner, and laughed at: she puts a trick upon a Puritanical Church-Warden, and makes the boy by another trick, to lye in bed, and lose his dinner; he is revenged on her by a Gunpowder plot._

Mrs. _Dorothy_ putting a stop to her discourse, gave us conveniency and leisure to express our satisfaction by our laughter, in which we continued for some space, and then rehearsing and commenting on what she had told us, we again renewed our laughter, she joyning with us in the same exercise, when we had put a stop to our mirth, she thus continued.

Truly, Friends, I did think I might a little divert you by my relation; but I see you are pleased much better than I expected, and if you are so well contented with this which is but a taste of what I can tell you, I am sure the rest would be much more delightful; but being desirous to put an end to my discourse, by relating to you such matters as only concern my self, till my arrival here, I therefore beg your excuse. Nay, replyed I, and Mistress _Mary_, you must not refuse us the request we both make you, of proceeding in these pleasing Adventures of your houshold; and, continued I, it is enough to know and find you are here with us, we are satisfied in that, and hope you will give us the other satisfaction we desire; and I pray be as full and free in your recital as you can, for we cannot think any thing to be tedious that is so pleasant; she hearing my desires, after few excuses, agreed thereto; and thereupon she thus reassumed the discourse.

The poor under Hostler being thus descended from his place of Torment, was almost in as pitiful a plight as one taken down from the Gibbet half hanged to be quartered; he had as little motion or sense; for he was almost suffocated with the smoak that ascended and flew up his nose, and down his throat; and as Malefactors do (as they say) piss for fear, or some other cause, so had he done; and not only so, but we could perceive somewhat else, of a yellowish colour, that had soaked through his breeches, run down his stockings, so that few would touch him; but at length, the Hostler, his superiour, considering his condition and former good service, took him up, and carried him to his bed adjoyning to the Stable; where, with the assistance of _Aqua vitæ_, he was soon brought to his former senses. Our young Rogue in the mean time lying in the Hay-loft over him, laughing at the roguery he had done, and the groans he heard the poor fellow fetch, were as so many instruments of musick to raise his laughter to the higher pitch.

This Rogue, who wanted nothing so much as Roping, or a good Cat of nine tailes, now escap’d with out either; there being no body in the whole house that had any mind to meddle with him; he was threatned by some, whilst others only laughed at him, and he went merrily about his business: and to conclude, much company coming that day to the house, and the particulars of the Adventure being told them, they sent for the boy and Hostler; and after several questions, and much laughter, they made them drink to one another, and become Friends.

The boy being thus freed from punishment, set his wits at work, how he might employ his time to the best advantage, and be getting of money as well as the rest of the Family did; and soon after there being a fair at our Town, among other fooleries that attended it, there were a parcel of Rope-Dancers, and Tumblers; our boy was Master of so much money, as to see them two or three times; and having very much affection to that quality, he purchased acquaintance with such another Crack Rope as himself, who was a very nimble and active youth at the Art of Vaulting; him he invites to our house, and treating him with such as the House afforded, by all means desires his instructions in that nimble mistery; he soon assented, and our boy being ingenuous, and very willing to learn, soon attains to the knowledg of this mistery, and taking all opportunities of practising, could soon leap through a hoop, vault over two or three joynt stools, tumble on the ground in various manners; and being a pretty proficient, had money several times given him by Guests that came to our house, for shewing his tricks; by vertue of his money he would brag and vapour as well as the best in the house; and the rest of the servants seeing his gain would attempt to do the like, but many times came off with the breaking of their shins; amongst the rest, the Cook maid had a mighty great itch to learn and practise some of these tricks belike, supposing that if he, who was a boy, did get so much money by them, that then she might gain much more being a maid; and that she might as well do them as he; the obstacle of Petticoats she removed by, resolving when she had learned, to have a pair of Breeches and Doublet for that purpose, and that she questioned not, but to get money enough, it being a greater Novelty to see a woman in breeches; but before she purchased them, she resolved to practice in her ordinary Habit, her Petticoats, and did so when she had convenient time and place; so that she likewise could perform somwhat in that practice. One time most of the other servants being abroad, she was sent into the Cellar to draw a Gallon Pot full of Claret Wine; she believing it would be some time ere it were full, by reason it ran only through a small Cane whilest the Pot was filling, she lies down on her back, and resolved now to try whether she could put her feet in her neck, in order to practice some new trick of tumbling; shee soon put one there, and with some difficulty likewise put the other, when she had so done, she could not possibly undoe what she had done, her feet were as fast to her neck, as if they had grown there; and though she tumbled and tossed, yet it was all to no purpose, for she could not by any means disentangle, or disengage her self from the posture she was in; she finding her self in this condition, knew not what to do, for the Pot was now full, and the Wine ran about the Cellar, and with tumbling about she had made her Coats to fly about her ears; at length she resolved to cry out, hoping her Mistress, or some other of the females of the house might hear her, and come to her rescue; this resolution she put in execution, and cryed out amain, help, help; we were all in the Room over her, and therefore soon heard her voice, but not knowing whose, or what was the matter; mine Host at length said to the boy, sirrah, run down into Cellar, and see what is the matter there; the boy did so, and after some little stay came up again, and cryes out, Oh Heavens! Master, I think our Cook-maid is murthered for I went down, and there lyes her body without a Head, and a great deal of blood about her (which was the spilt Claret) but, said his Master, are you sure her head was off? yes, yes, said the boy, come see how it is cut of from the neck; and yet, continued he, I cannot think she is yet dead, for she moved her hands, and still cryes out, but her head I cannot find. Mine Host hearing of this strange matter, soon ran down into the Cellar, which was not so dark, nor he so dim sighted, but he presently discovered how the matter was. The only thing he did, was to stop the Wine from running out, by putting the spiggot into the faucet, and so returned up to us, and told us that the boy was a little mistaken; but such a sight had he seen as was very unusual; and thereupon desires us to desend into the Cellar, and see what he had done; no sooner had he said so; but our curiosities likewise induced us to go down, where in short time we likewise had the satisfaction of seeing this strange sight: how said I, this is some Monster, and it would do well to keep it in this manner till the next fair, and then we may gain more by it then all the Tumblers did. A pox of Tumbling, said mine Hostess, I believe this came from that Exercise.

We thus having spent our Verdicts, helped the wench to disingage her self, and put her in her wonted natural posture; but when she was so, she was not come to her self, so much was she spent with strugling, and her joynts were so out of order, that we were forced to lead her up stairs, and put her to bed.