Part 5

_I am much troubled that one of your age and experiance should prove so meer a_ Novice _in_ Loves-School, _as to be guilty of an amorous_ erratum, _that should deserve the lash: I see now you are a meer_ Baby _in our Sex, and ought to be whipt again into a better understanding. What, trust that Woman whom you have abused! Why, a Child of the_ first head, _in the_ nonage _of Amorous matters, in the_ Hanging sleeves _of Courtship, knew this as a_ Maxime--_that if Love, though never so fervent, be once by abuse converted into hatred, the woman is indefatigable in her revenge, till_ Death _hath put an end to the Controversie. Henceforth be better advised from me, how you behave your self before your little_ Sparkling Goddesses _(as wantonly you are pleased to call them;) if you will preserve your good esteem and be dayly cherisht with their Soul-winning and ravishing Smiles, you must not be relax in your offerings; but if by slighting, cozenage, &c. you instigate their incest_ Deities _to revenge, nothing but an absence, as distant as the two Poles, shall protect you from their subtle and speedy revenge. And now, thank me Sir, that mine hath fallen so slightly on your Shoulders, having given a stript Simmar, for the Gown I should have had: I am sorry though, I had not secured you_ witnesses of manhood, _that they might have been_ Testimonies _continually by me, to assure my self you will not for the future abuse my love, by fondly affecting an other. Lastly, hearing that you are clad, as if you were sent_ Embassadour _from the_ Northern Witches _to their_ Emperor _the_ Devil, _I thought fit to send you some Cloaths (in lieu of those Rings you left with my Husband) which are more sutable for humain conversation. But let me advise you, haunt me no more in them, lest I conjure you out of them again, and the Devil into you. Be wise, and have a care of being amorous, when pennyless._

Your abused, in part revenged, _&c._

I commanded the Messenger to observe his carriage in reading the Letter; who told me, all the mad-men in the World, put them altogether, could not in their most extravagant gestures, have exprest madness so to the life as he did. However, he was not so mad, but that he did put on his Cloaths, which upon old acquaintance so complyed, as to fit him to a hair. Soon after he was discharged; and now invoking the Devil to be of his Cabinet Council, he walkt into a solitary place, that he might hatch mischief, that is, be revenged on me, my Husband, or any else that he supposed might be his rivals. He was quickly furnished with a mischievous design, agreeable to his desire; and how could he otherwise, for there are millions of hellish imps of the worser sort, who continually attend the motions of the malitious and revengeful, to execute the commands of such who care not how they precipitate others and themselves into ruine and destruction.

This stratagem he contrived, by the help of a little credit he had yet surviving, he puts himself into a new riding garb, mounted with sword and pistol; having gotten a Perriwig of a colour clean contrary to what he usually wore; having for the better carrying on his Plot, procured a false beard, with a black patch on one of his eyes; in this disguise, the most discerning eye of his most intimate, and familiar friends and acquaintance, could not have discovered him who he was. In this equipage he rides out of town, some half-score miles, only to dirty his horse and boots; and leaves a Letter with a Friend to be delivered to my own hands, in these terms.

The Answer to the former Letter.

Madam,

_Or rather Mad-dame, for she that is madder that you was begotten in_ Monte Gibello, _where troubling the Sulphurous wombe of that burning Mountain, was belcht into the World, and carried on the back of a whirlwind, to disturb the inhabitants thereof. Think not I will trouble my self to answer particularly every flouting invective, the which your letter is stuft withal, but shall tell you in general, you are too dangerously wicked for my acquaintance; and he that intends to contract a friendship with_ Hell, _must first shake hands with you; your eyes will be his light, to guide him; your cheeks, and breasts, are his highway; and your mouth the gate or entrance thereinto. I do not intend to buy repentance at so dear a rate, as ever to see you again; therefore your threats were needless. I am not yet fallen in love with my winding-sheet, that I should court Death, or hug a Contagion. My sense of smelling is indifferently well recovered of its late distemper, and can now distinguish the scent of sound Bodies from putrifaction. My eyes too have regained their sight, and can plainly see the she-devil in you, maugre all the paint, and_ fucus, _that is on that daub’d face of thine. Prithee name me not at any time, lest thy breath for ever poyson my memory; and to that intent, forget that ever I had a being; and so wishing thou never hadst one, I take my eternal farewell of thee,_ &c.

This Letter he sent me, to the intent I might believe he was so far from revenging himself on me, that he never intended to see me more; by which means he facilitated his purpose. In prosecution thereof; late in the evening he came to Town, and directed his course to our house; upon his alighting, he seemed much tyred, which we verily believed, his horse being all of a foam; and desiring his Chamber might be shewn him, it was done accordingly; and order being taken for a Sack-posset, he supt it up, and laid his head to rest; he lay abed somewhat long the next day, pretending indisposition by reason of his long journey, but getting up; he seemed somewhat pleasant, calling for a pint of Sack for his and his Land-ladyes Mornings draught, assuring me, that as a stranger he would not be indebted for any civilities he should receive in my house. I on the other side, seeing him so forward to part from his money, gave him a considerable lift by my usual way of spunging. Dinner time approaching I askt him what he would have; who ordered me to provide variety of what was in season; not imagining that Table, on which this meat should stand, should so soon prove the Stage on which a bloody Tragedy must be acted. A little before we sate down to dinner, I sent for my friend (that lay with me that night I acted my revenge) to participate in our good cheer; who coming, we sate down together, there being no other, than this disguised Gentleman, my Husband, my Self, and Friend. We did eat, and drink freely; about half dinner this Gentleman seemed to be very officious in helping me, at last, Madam, said he, I will help you to one bit more, which you shall not refuse for my sake; I returning him thanks, in an instant he whipt off with his knife, my Husbands ear, and laid it hastily on my Trencher; and turning his head quick about, be not angry, Sir, (said he) you shall have bitt for bitt; and thereupon endeavoured to cut off my nose, but I was to nimble for him, and by running out escap’d the danger; my Friend observing what had past, being too suddenly done to be prevented, stept from the Table, and drawing, bid the Rogue disguised draw too, or he would pin him to the wall, for this matchless piece of villany; whereupon he did, but behaved himself so ill, that my friend wounded him desperately in the body at the first pass; concluding he had received his Mortal wound, he resolved not to die alone, wherefore he made a full pass, and so running upon his Adversaries point, each dyed at once by the swords of one another. I soon returned with a long train of _Mirmidons_, whom I had instructed how to chastise this insolence; but Lord! what a confusion was I in, when I saw the two combatants lye dead on the floor, and my Husband gazing on them motionless, like one converted into a Statue for the loss of his ear; which he should have lost, by right, long before that time.

Some more busie then the rest, stirring their bodies, the false beard of the disguised fell off, by which he was presently known who he was; and because it was every where known through the town, how this Gentleman had spent what he had on me, and was abused for his pains; I was immediatly cryed out upon, as the Authoress of all this mischief, I endeavoured to excuse my self, by relating what he had done; _viz._ the cutting my Husbands Ear off and the endeavouring to cut off my Nose; but this allegation signified little. Searching his pockets, they found a note, or letter, sealed, & seeing it was directed to me, they then, without my consent, break it open, imagining they should find therein the mystery of this tragical encounter but all they could discover was only his intention of cutting off my Nose, and my Husbands Ear: the Lines were these which follow.

_Insatiate Strumpet; perjur’d-painted-Whore, Who hast the vice of all thy Sex, and more, Devil, nay worse; for thou canst by thy face Make Men Apostate in the State of Grace. By thee I fell; then did my_ Pagan _knee Oft render Worship to thy Devilree. I (being converted) Idols won’t allow; Down must the_ Dagon _of thy face I vow. See where it lyes; that Idol, once ador’d, Must be for want of it, by all abhor’d. Thy Husband lends an Ear, then let thy Nose, To_ Sister-Sense _her wretched State disclose. And then consult thy Glass; See thy fare face Is vanisht, and Deaths-head stands in the place. Thy lips some_ Nectar _sipt from I suppose Will be exclaim’d on, fogh, they want a Nose. And may thy sparkling eyes, which me did win, Be thought to kindle from a fire within. May ulcers seize thee, for the wrong th’ast done, And living rott, without compassion._

The rumour of this sad disaster ran swifter than a Torrent through the Town; insomuch that our house was so cram’d with People, that our servants were forc’d to acquit their imployments, to give room to the inquisitive In-comers, a chirurgeon was sent for to dress my Husband; & a Coroner to sit upon the other two that were slain; glad I was, that I had the opportune excuse to leave the Company; and attend my Husband; by which means I avoided the hearing so many thousand accrimations that were laid to my charge. In the meantime the Jury found their Deaths hapned by Man-slaughter: and so thereby though we were present, we could not be found accessories.

The noise of this accident did also flye into the Countrey, not escapeing the ear hardly of any one Guest that frequented our House; report had rendred the Fact so horrible, and my Husband and Self so notoriously accessory thereunto, and now all our former wickedness, and roguery was drawn up in a long Scrol, and this last added in Capitals, to make up a compleat Sum of Villany. By which means we had little resort to our House; and our House-rent being great, and our Trading small, my Husband and I were now necessitated to put our heads together, by some other means to patch up a future lively-hood. Thou seest, said he, the more serious, and reputable sort of People, shun our house, as if old _Belzebub_ were there sitting abrood to hatch those diseases which should be the destruction of the Universe. And therefore to be revenged of their thus slighting us, I will meet them abroad, and what moneys they forbear to spend with me, I will compel them to lend, and more. Though I am not stout and resolute enough of my self to do this, yet thou knowest _Humphrey_ our Tapster, is a strong Fellow, and hath a good heart; he and I, fear not, will do the business.

For my part, I must needs confess, I question’d not _Humphrey’s_ performances, having made tryal again thereof; I ever fancyed to try experience, and marking what a rough-hew’n Fellow he was, all Bone and Sinew, with a face like a tann’d Bulls hide, I could not be at quiet, till I had found the difference between this Man, nerv’d with wire, and others, that were clean limb’d, and streight slender bodyed joynted like _Bartholomew Babies_, with quaking Custard faces; but so vast a disproportion between them, that were I Widdow; and were courted by a Knight worth five thousand pounds a year, with a handsom fair whitely face, I should hardly be perswaded to accept of a Lady-ship, but for the sake of his revenew.

To be short, Sir _Philip Sidney’s_ Cowards were not much ranker than my Husband; but, thought I, if he hath courage enough to look a Man in the face, and bid him stand, _Humphrey_ hath strength, and valour enough to compel them to deliver. Wherefore I perswaded my Husband by all means to go forward with what he had propounded: I was the more willing to it, in hopes that he would be taken some time or other; and as he was marked for a Knave, so he might be hang’d for a Thief; and so be freed from an impotent Husband. He seemed well satisfied that I assented to his proposal, and look’d upon it to be a good Omen, and promised success to his undertaking. On the other side (said he) you must not be idle at home; you know there is now none but the debauched that resort to our house, and therefore suit their inclination, if ought can be gotten by so doing. Your daughter is young, and handsom, let her be the sign to attract; but pray let me have you furnish your self with other Utensils. The Boy too is no fool, who, by observing your carriage, and direction, hath very ill spent his time, if he cannot tolerably pimp as well for others, as his Mother. Well, well, (said I) husband, you are merrily disposed; look after your business, I shall manage my own well enough, I warrant you. My Husband and his Tapster, committed many robberies in a little time: and very few but what were on our Guests; who freely discoursing their affairs over a glass of Wine after Supper, many times discovering what store of money they carried with them, and for what purpose, gave them a fair opportunity in the Morning to set on them, and deprive them of it. Nay, so little suspected he was of robbing, that several have returned to our house after he hath robb’d them, and made their complaint to him, how basely they had been abused; it was alwayes his care, and indeed therein he shewed the utmost of his prudence, to return home with all the speed he might possibly, after he had rob’d any; by which means, he and his Man rob’d a long time secretly.

It was generally their good fortune to meet with such as durst not fight them; a thing that Travellers generally, and justly, are to be condemned for; who, with easie parting with their money, they not only shew how meanly spirited they are, but encourage the Thief in his robberies. Whereas, on the contrary, would they shew themselves as desperate, and as resolute as their assaulters, it is my opinion they would quickly turn tail, as not daring to venture the hazard of the dispute. But to return, though my Husband succeeded so well in his attempts, by meeting with none but Cow-hearted fellows; yet once, waiting with his man in a thicket, earely in the morning, for the passing by of a Gentleman that had lain the night before in our house, who had a considerable Sum of Money, in his Port-mantle, there travelled by another in the dawning of the day, whom, by a mistake, my husband assaults; the other drawing a Pistol, fired it at him, but mist him; however, the report had like to have done as much mischief, as if the bullet had past through his body, for with fear he fell from his horse; and had like to have saved the Hangman a labour, by breaking his own neck. Our Tapster seeing his Master fall, and verily believing he was kill’d by that was resolved to revenge his death, had not he seen another come Rideing to him (which was the Gentleman they lay in wait for) which made him altar his purpose, and ride away, for the preservation of his own life. The Gentleman supposing too, that he had really dispatcht this Pad, not seeing him move all this while (which he confest to me afterwards, he politickly did, to the intent he might be exempted from fighting, and securely see the event of the Combat: the other two that came to his assistance judg’d the same, and advised him to ride away with all speed to the next Justice; not only to avoid the present danger, for (said he) this other Rogue is rid away but to get some more of his fellows, to make a further attempt) but you will also receive the thanks of the Country, for destroying such Caterpillars, that eat up the Fruit of their Land. Setting Spurrs to their Horses away they Gallopt, to find out the next Justice; my Husband perceiving they were gone, got up, and mounting rode full speed home, without so much as once looking behind him. Coming home, he found me almost drown’d in tears, and half frighted out of my wits; not so much for sorrow of his death (which news I had privately sent me by our Tapster) but for fear, as soon as it should be known who this slain Thief was, I should have my goods instantly siezed on, and my doors shut up. I was in a Room by my self, getting some Plate together, with other choice portable things; and coming to the stair head, with an intent to convey them out of the house, met with my Husband full butt; whose face being pale and wan, by reason of his late great fear, possest me with so strong a conceit, that this was his Ghost, that the fright made me skreek out, and letting fall what I had in my Apron, I retreated. This sudden surprize so amazed him, that he stood indeed like an apparition at the Chamber-door, and had not the power to come in: this increast my belief, however, I pluckt up my Spirits, and boldly askt him, what he was, and what he came for? He sneakingly, in a low voyce, (for he was more than half dead) answered, he was my Husband, and that he came to see me. My Husband, said I is dead; and if thou be his damn’d Ghost, I conjure thee, by all that is good, presently depart, and trouble me not now, since whilst living, I could never be content, nor at quiet for thee. Not speaking one word, he turn’d his back upon me, and went down stairs. I never believed my self a Conjurer till now (although I have been called Witch a thousand times) and indeed I knew not what to think of it, (comparing altogether) whether this was a phantasm, or not, but troubling my thoughts no further about that matter, I took up what I had dropt, and getting into the yard, would have march’d off with what I had in my lap, had he not hastened after me, and holding me fast by the arm, told me, that he was not quite dead, though almost frightned out of his life, and therefore begg’d me I would not remove any thing that might tend to his prejudice; and if I would walk in, he would tell me his whole morning Adventure.

The two Gentlemen coming to the Justice, amply declared what an eminent piece of Service they had done their Country, by killing on the place one Padder, and putting to flight another; and that if his Worship pleased to Summon a quantity of the Parish, to defend them if occasion should require, they would shew them the place where the dead lay. Hereupon there were a great many that offered themselves freely to go along; but coming to the place, found neither man, nor horse, nor the sign of one drop of blood. The Countrey People finding themselves thus abused, and not knowing what the design of these two Gentlemen might be, in putting such a trick upon them, laid hold on them, and carried them back to the Justice; who being informed that there was not the least appearance of what had pretendedly been done, askt them the reason, why they thus abused themselves and others, with meer forgeries: to which they both replyed, that their eyes had seen what their tongues related, and concluded, that other padders, confederate with this, had carried off the Body of their Brother, that they might avoid suspition. The Justice and others were of the same opinion, and so the Gentlemen were dismist.

Our Tapster hearing that his Master was in health, returned home, resolving for the future, never to hazard his life with so great a peice of cowardize; and to speak the truth, it was high time to leave off, since they were shrewdly suspected by the whole Town to be High-way men, they being seen so often together on Horse-back, both early and late. My Trade however diminisht not, for I was taken notice of, all the Country round, to be a dealer in secrets, and ready money commodities; nay, there were not a few honest mens wives, that would not stick to trust me in the disposal of the whole _Cargo_ of their reputation. Nay, I was so excellent at my art, that neither Privateer, nor Publican would act any difficult matter without my advice. I could Pimp, if occasion served most incomparably; and I was lookt upon as the best _Procuress_ in all our Countrey; which I would not have been, but that I was so much tyred with my daily, nay, hourly Visitants; for though Age and Time have conspired to ruine the glories of my face, I can assure you, the remains may inform any they were good. Being so generally noted not only for my beauty, but my art in _Pandarizing_, a Song was composed on me by some riming _Doggril_ or other, which I will sing you thus, and so finish the Story of my former lifes actions,

1. _At the Sign of the_ Swan _There liveth a man, I go not about to deceive you; Ten thousand to one, If you come, he is gone, That his Wife may the better receive you._

2. _Lovely brown is her hair, Her face comely fair, Her waste you may span, ’tis so slender; Negro black are eyes, Passing white are her thighs, All the allurements of_ Venus _attend her._

3. _Her Twins of delight, (Which are alwayes in sight) Her breasts which are whiter than snow, By their panting do beat An Alarm to the feat, To combate her Lovers below._

4. _With her smiles she invites To taste her delights; Which I would, if I durst so presume; But I fear she hath fires Which will quench my desires, But my body to ashes consume._

5. _She’s an excellent_ Pimp, _The_ Devils _best_ Imp; _She’s a_ Bawd, _she’s a whore, that’s too common If you intend for to fly Hells flames, come not nigh; She’s a thing, that is worse than a_ Woman.

CHAP. VI.

_Mrs._ Dorothy _goes with her new Acquaintance, who perswades her to accommodate a barren Gentlewoman a friend of hers, with her child, as soon as born. A character of this Gentlewoman, and her amorous practices: the manner of her being rob’d by one of her Gallants; he is apprehended and executed. Mrs._ Dorothy _is delivered of a Boy, who is made Heir to a great Estate, and she highly rewarded for her consent._