Part 4

My Gallant examining the matter, found that at present the strength of his Pocket would not be sufficient to accomplish his desire, and therefore he supplyed that defect by the strength of wit; he visited the Gentlewoman who was owner of the Gown, and being of her acquaintance, he requested her to let him have her Gown to shew a Taylor to make such another by for a Sister of his; his desires being modest were the sooner granted; and a Taylor of his acquaintance receiv’d it of her, and immediately at his commands brought it to me, I accepted it with a smileing countenance, and giving him a small piece of Money for his pains, dismiss’d him; when soon after my friend likewise followed; and my Husband being absent, we concluded that night to devote our selves holy to _Venus_; and he being us’d to lye at our house, it was no great difficulty for him to quit his bed and come to mine, where we spent all that night in all those amorous enjoyments that we could devise: but he thinking he had paid dear for his nights pleasure, was resolved to have something more into the bargain; and that he might engage me another time, if I fell out with him, as he foresaw I would; wherefore he taking his opportunity when I was asleep, slipt no less then three of my Rings off from my fingers, and put them on his; and early in the morning he left me and my Bed, and went into his own: and having before contrived now to play his Cards, he went to the Taylor, and advised him to come to me, and tell me he had forgot to finish somewhat that was very necessary, and had been omitted to be done in the Gown, and therefore he was come to fetch it, that it might be mended, and he might have no disgrace by his work; I being without all suspition, and seeing indeed there were some defects, which he shewed me, delivered it to him, desireing him to make haste with it, because I intended to have it home before my Husbands return, and then to tell him that my Father had sent it me; but I reckond before my Host; for although I waited two or three dayes, and sent to the Taylor, and asked my false friend, yet I could have none, but idle excuses and flashes; so that in conclusion I found my self cheated; for as I understood afterwards, the Gown was presently sent home to the right owner; whom I saw wear it the next sunday; and then knew it, by some particular marks to be the same. This passage vexed me to the heart; but I was three times more angry when I missed my Rings, and upon examination found that he had beguil’d me of them; and indeed for further confirmation, I saw them upon his fingers; this (said she) extreemly perplexed and inraged me; so that then I converted all my love into (its contrary) hatred, and studyed nothing so much, as how to compass revenge. He finding that I was angred, refrained my Company at present, and that gave opportunity to another, who had long time courted me at a distance, to lay a closer siege to me; and he so far prevailed with me, what with gifts, treats and presents, that I promised him that in short time he should reap the fruits of his desired Harvest; but I was resolved to make him instrumental in my revenge upon my abuser; and to that end I thus broke the matter to him.

Sir, your friendship and love I very much esteem; and believing you to be sincere, and one in whose breast I may repose trust and confidence; I shall discover somewhat to you, that may for the future be of good consequence to us both; and it is this: I believe you have not been so dim sighted, but you have observed more than common familiarity between me and Mr. such a one, naming my abusive Lover; some presents he hath given me, for which he expected more freedome with me than I was willing to impart; but I still kept him at a distance, although he pressed hard upon me to enjoyment; which I not thinking fit at present to permit, he began to clamour, at length through his importunities, I consented he should lye with me at such a time, on condition he gave me such a silk Gown as I named; to this he agreed, and sent in the Gown accordingly: now it so fell out, that I could not perform what he expected, and therefore delay’d him for a few dayes longer, till my Husband should be absent, promising then to keep touch with him; but whether he not believing me, or else the necessity of returning the Gown, which he had but borrowed, as I since found; one or both these reasons induced him to be false to me, and by a while he got the Gown out of my hands; and he was not content with doing that only, but he also intending to abuse me further, when we were toying together, cheated me of three of my rings; which he as a Trophy of his Victory, and my weakness and shame, still wears on his fingers; and I fear he is so prodigal and lavish of his tongue, as to bray to his acquaintance, that he had those as my gifts for unhandsome service done me.

Thus did I disguise the truth of my dealings with my abusive Lover, and having given my new one this account, desiring his assistance in a revenge: to this he quickly answered, that as for the Gown I had been so out-witted in, he would make up that loss, by giving me another; and so he would also for the rings, if I pleased; or else compel my abusive lover to deliver them; and in all things else he would vindicate my credit. I replyed to him, that I would not have any compulsion, for that would make too much noise; but rather have his assistance in my revenge, which I had thus contrived.

I would have him possess my Husband with jealousie against my abusive Lover, and leave the rest to my ordring, which I managed thus: I gave my abusive Friend more freedom, & shewed a kinder Countenance than I had done of late, & that only to draw him on, which I did with much ease, for he had a great desire to be friends with me, and upon our first convenient parley, he confessed himself guilty, & made some trivial excuses, which I admitted of, as I did his love, in hopes to gain my rings, and a revenge; as for the rings, he presently returned me one, and promised the other two the third night following, when I agreed to lye with him, promising so to order the matter, that my Husband should be then out of the house; we after this parley parted, and my new friend had so dealt with my Husband, in discovering my abusive Friends freeness and privacy with me, that he now became absolutely jealous, and intended to make me sensible of his anger; but I knowing where the shooe wrung him, was before hand, and the next night told him, that if he did not take some speedy course, I was in danger, and he too, to be abused by my abusive Lover; for said I, he hath gotten two of my rings, and shews them abroad, reporting he had them of me, as tokens of my dishonour; and to me he will not deliver them, unless I will promise him a nights lodging: now said I, if you have a mind to save my honour, your own, and revenge us both on him, I will thus do; I will seemingly consent that he shall come to bed to me to morrow night, and to that end, I will have you pretend to go out of Town; but instead of your going, I will go to such a friends house, and there I’le stay; you shall lye in my Bed, and at the hour I will appoint him he will come to bed to you, when you and your friends, and servants, I hope taking him in the manner, will so handle him, as he shall have little cause to boast of his nights lodging; and you and I shall be sufficiently revenged on him for thus attempting my Chastity.

To all this discourse my Husband gave very good attention; and it corresponding with what he suspected, he now wholly quitted any suspitious thoughts of me, and agreed to execute all I had propounded; so that when the time came, my Husband pretended to lye out, took his leave of me, and my abusive Friend, who was glad of his absence: I made haste with him to bed, telling him about ten a Clock he might come safely into my Chamber, and bed which he knew well enough, not to mistake the way. I then left him, and taking horse, went to my new friend, who expected me at our appointed Rendevouz, where he presented me with the desired Gown, and I according to my promise, gave him a nights lodging with me, which was much more pleasant to us both, than was that of my abusive Friend; who at the hour appointed, went to my Chamber, and into the Bed where my husband was expecting him; he believing it was I, began his embraces, and other actions, declaring his intent; with that my husband leap’d out of the Bed, and four good Old Women of my Friends, who were hid under the bed, discovered themselves, and having a dark Lanthorn, lighted the Room, and fell to work: first, they tyed his hands and feet to the posts of the Beds Head and feet; and then each being provided with a good handful of Birch laid on lustily, till he roar’d sufficiently; my Husband making offer to geld him: but when it came to that point, he begg’d so heartily, that my Husband consented to his desire, only he paid the two rings he had of mine, as ransome for his Jewels.

CHAP. V.

_Her abused and whipt Lover vows revenge, which is done in part; afterwards he is kill’d, yet kills his Corrival: the manner how, with other things very remarkable._

Never did the Canicular dayes infuse into Dogs a greater madness and fury, than did this whipping in Loves School inrage the minde of our sufficiently jerkt Amorist; which for the present (whilst under his Chirurgions hands) he durst not express; for all that he could do, was to supplicate them not to deprive him of what would make him stand as a Neuter between the Sexes of humane Generation; which they granted him.

With much hazard, and greater fear, escaping their hands, only in his shirt, without shooe or stocking, he got out into the streets; and being overjoy’d that he was secure, but had the black mantle of night to conceal his shame, and convey him home, without the knowledge of the Town inhabitants, ran through the streets with all speed imaginable; but, by the way, meeting with a sharp stone, it so hurt his foot, that he was compell’d to slacken his pace, and lamely limp to his lodging. The Clock had then struck twelve (an hour wherein supposed Bugg-bears walk, to frighten Children) as he could see just before him two women, whom a third had raised from their warm beds by her incessant cries, proceeding from the intollerable pains she then indured, being ready to be delivered, to hasten to call up a fourth, _viz._ a Midwife. Haste on both sides had made them so carelesly heedless in their way, that they were within a spit and a stride of each other, before they could discern one the other. My cheating, and cheated Leacher perceived the women first, which put him to a stand, what he were best to do, either to go forward, or backward; they, on the other side, seeing a thing all in white stand opposit in their way, judged it to be the troubled spirit of the lately diseased Husband of this woman they were going to fetch the Midwife for. He, on the other hand, resolved to go forward; and they seeing him approach them (skreeking out) ran back as fast as they could; who being stopt by the watch, and demanded why they made that hideous outcry, made answer, they had met the Devil, or some thing like him. Condemning the womens idle and causless fears (as they judged) they advanced forwards, armed with Bills, Halberts, but principally with an unparallell’d resolution. My Gallant had stept into a by-corner, when the woman cried out to secure himself from what might ensue that unexpected allarum, fully resolved to run home to his lodging directly, with what speed he might; he started out just as the Watch were advanc’d within half Pistol-shot of him; the sudden surprize confirmed them in the womens report, so that, without consideration there was not one of these desperate Kill-Devils to be seen, but such as with a too precipitate haste, lay tumbling in the Kennel, one over the other. This accident gave new wings to my Lovers feet, which were so benumm’d with cold, that he very much stood in need of such _Icarian_ practices, _Dædalian_ inventions.

In conclusion, with much knocking, he made a shift to get in. His Landlady (who was a Widow) seeing him in this condition, charg’d him home, asking, Where he had been, how he came thus to lose his skin? Whether he had been robb’d? Though wanting Garments, yet he would not be without a Cloak to hide this Venereal enterprize of his, and therefore replied, That falling into ill company, it was his ill hap to fall into that damn’d itch, that tickling humour of playing; that having won something, and like to win more, they would not let him play longer, but seizing him, stript him, and would have done, I know not what, had not his flight procured his safety.

His loving Landlady believing that he was thus really abused, conducts him to her own warm bed, and like a kind friend would not let him lie alone, for fear of catching cold. But his Breech was so sore, he could not lie on his back; and so troubled were his thoughts, he had no mind to lie upon his belly. His Landlady finding him so backward, imagined the cause to proceed from his being too forward abroad with others, and gathered by too many apparent symptoms, that she was much deceived in his pretended continencie at home; and being hartily vext to be thus disappointed of her expectations, she leapt out of bed, telling him angrily, she had more lodgings and Lodgers in her house, and would not be beholden to him for either; and had she known so much before she did let him in, as she hath done since, she would have tried how the cooling Julip of standing in the street all night in his shirt, would have wrought with his feaverish concupiscence.

Netled he was to the purpose to hear his Landlady (who had ever since their first acquaintance born him a more than common kindness and respect) thus taunt at him; but his thoughts were so absolutely taken up with a subject of another nature, that he returned her not one word; which so exasperated her spirits, not to be replyed unto; that laying aside discretion, with her modesty, she was resolved to ring him a peal in the _ear-ratling-Rhetorick_ of _Billingsgate_. How now, (said she) is it not enough that my Servants, from time to time, have sate up late, or rather early, but that I must be disturb’d from my rest, to give repose to a restless _Stallion_? Shall my roof prove the _Protector_ to such _Caterwawling Night-walkers_? Is it not enough, that I have furnished you continually with money, but you must ungratefully make that the _Common-procurer_ of your private Veneries abroad, and those gawdy Clothes I gave you must be the _Gentleman Usher_ that must lead you to them? Are all your former respects come to this? are your hot pretences grown so cold at home, that nothing can warm them, but a fire in another mans Chimney, made there at my expences? She would have proceeded, but that her clamorous tongue interrupted her, by raising one of Her Lodgers, who came down at that instant, to know what the matter was; when my Come-Rogue, not induring her rallery longer, rudely bid her, rather than gently desired her to go to bed; begging that she would not trouble him after that manner, charging her with incivility, for disturbing him from his rest.

The Gentleman, that came down the stairs, hearing this; and judging she had prostituted those kindnesses to one that scornfully refused them, which he had so frequently sollicited her for partly for pleasure, but principally for profit, had not the patience to check her for it in any other place, than these down-right; outragiously bellowing forth, Am not I the oldest Guest in your house, and not a penny in your Debt? Have not I pamper’d you at home, and Coacht you abroad, till I have not had a wheel in my pocket for your extravagant delights to move further on; and have afterwards stab’d my Credit, that you might deliciously feed, and satiate your self on the blood of the grape: then (when few refuse to give themselves satisfaction) I have attempted to enjoy what you now prostitute; but you kept me at that distance, I knew not whether your breath stunk or not. Nay, I have made use of Critical minutes to purchase my desire, more especially then, when I could see by the flaming of your eyes, what conspiracies wine and wanton discourse had formed within you, to fire the Fortress of the most resolved Chastity. And shall you now be bid to go to bed? be begg’d to retire from your satiated Lovers embraces? how can you stand thus impudently in your smock in a mans Chamber, and yet commanded to be gone? Come, you forget your self; your _dark-Lanthorn delights_ have dazzled the sight of your Reason; and let this (kicking her with his foot) light you to your own Chamber; and withal laying hold on her, would have forcibly thrust her out; which rude carriage of his made her cry out aloud, fearing some further mischief.

This out-cry so startled my Gentleman in bed, that not enduring to hear his Land-lady so grosly abused, got up, and closing with him, threw him; and having no other weapons, but their fists, pounded one another to some purpose. The Woman fearing what mischief might ensue, put her head out at the window, and cryed Murder as loud as she could bawl; the Watch (hearing murder cryed out) came running to the house with all speed (not dreaming they should see again that Spirit which had so lately frighted them) and perceiving a great bustle in the house, and the same horrid noise continuing, they broke open the doors, and entring, found two men scuffling in their shirts, having blooded one the other sufficiently (this bleeding excused very well the other blood that came from the firked-back and breech of my Gallant) I say, finding them in this bloody condition, they doubted they had injured one another with some sharp instrument; they needed not to search farther than their hands, having neither of them more cloathes to conceal anything than what modesty commanded. Notwithstanding they were parted by the Watch, yet they could not hold their hands off one another; which caused the Watch to interpose again, and now they resolved to secure them that night (from further mischieving one the other) at the Watch-houses, and so commanded them to put on their Cloaths; which the one quickly did, but the other could not. It would have been worth all my revenge to have seen in what confusion he stood, at that word of command, or to have known what the watch-men thought when they saw their Prisoner could finde no Cloaths.

Though their wonder was great, yet they resolved to have their curiosity resolved; and therefore askt him, where were his cloaths, and how he come, or how he could be without them? by the way, surely there was not much wit in that Constable and his Watch: for had they had any, they might presently have concluded (from the posture they found those Gentlemen in) that they were a couple of mendicant Poets, who had but one suit of apparrel between them, that when the one went abroad, a wheedling, the other was forc’d to lye a bed a staring; and disputing who should next scout abroad to find out the Enemies of famine, and not agreeing upon the point, fell together by the ears. But to return where I left of, the Constable having interrogated him as aforesaid, he (endeavouring to excuse himself, and palliate the scuruy usage of his revengeful Mistriss) answered him, that walking that after noon, it was his mischance, by a push of that Gentleman they found him fighting with, to fall into a _Common-house_, (Pox on his witty allusion) and that having no suit than that, he intended to have lain in bed till it had been cleansed and dried. That the Gentleman aforesaid would not let him rest, but came into his Chamber, and with scoffing and irritating expressions, provok’d him to rise, and endeavour to be rid of his trouble.

The other told the Constable, that what was said was a greater lye than the Devil could invent; that the cause of the Quarrel was his endeavouring to hinder his Leachery that night, by preventing his Landlady from going to bed to him. The Woman hearing this, replyed, they were both of them a couple of confounded lyars, and (that she might make one of the number) told them; that they intended to have ravisht her, and that the one breaking up her Chamber-door, the other followed, and fell together by the ears, who should be the first Actor in their damn’d design: to prevent which, she was compell’d to cry out Murther, upon which they withdrew out of her Chamber, and went into one of their own, where (said she) you find them like a couple of malicious dogs, fighting for that morsel neither of the Curs is ever likely to taste of.

This Forgery was more semblable to probability in the Constables opinion, than any thing else he had heard. Wherefore not to spend further time in examination, he charged his Watchmen with my two Gentlemen, and so inconsiderately rash he was, that he vow’d they should go with him; and had carried them in that very condition, had not the Woman of the house interceeded, that she might cloath his nakedness as well as she could for the present; hereupon she furnished him with a Peticoat of her own, having no other Cloathes that would fit him: instead of a cloak, she helpt him to a red Rugg; and to crown all, she clapt upon his head her straw-hat. Had it been day-light, it would have been worth twelve pence a piece to have seen this _Slavonian_, whose garb, for strangeness, the barbarous World might admire, but never imitate. I do not hear that he over-slept himself that night; nor can I believe that the morning gave his eyes no great satisfaction, in viewing the preposterousness of his habit; and his Twinklers lookt, as I am inform’d, as if they had been imployed in nothing all that night, but on looking on the phantasms of some of his dead and damn’d acquaintance.

I slept but little my self, that night, partly, by thinking how this revengful plot of mine would take effect, but chiefly, by reason of my unsatisfied Bed-fellow, who kept me waking, in spight of my teeth. However I arose early, and being but a little way distant, soon got home; where arrived, I understood from my husband, that my Rings were restored, that he had left me his Breeches, as owning me his Master; and so he might well acknowledge, for he was never so whipt for being a naughty Boy, as I caused him to be; and well he escap’d so, having like to have left behind him a most pretious remedy against several female distempers; a _Recipe_, as infallible against all manner of obstructions, as ever was applyed to any _Chalk_, or _Oatmeal Eater_, since _Eve_ lay in with _Cain_ in her first _Child bed_. Immediately after I heard of the rest of that Knights incomparable Adventures, and how he was secured; and had a particular account of the pleasant dress he was in: never did any thing tickle me more, than the Relation, how amply and fully I was, revenged of him; yet I could not but entertain a thought that might incline to pity him; but it would extend no further then than to send him his Cloathes, and withall a Letter, to give my self the plenary satisfaction of laughing at him; and those sufferings he underwent by my procurement; the words and sense were to this purpose.

The Letter.

Sir,