Part 16

It is not many moneths since I was first acquainted with this place, you know my quality is a Soldier of Fortune, and I may reasonably enough term my self so, being of late some-what favoured by that blind and inconstant Lady; our Commander in Chief thinking it convenient to draw us out of the field where we had been all the last Summer, and place us in Garrisons for the Winter season; it fell to my lot, among other of my Comrades, to be ordered to be quartered in this Town, where when we came, we had our several Billets delivered to us, and mine directed me to the House of the wealthiest Mercer in your Town, where I still Quarter, and who you know is a Person as eminent for Estate, as any in the Town, I need not name him, you knowing where I Quarter: it so fortuned, that the night I came thither first to Quarter, he was out of the Town, as he had been for some dayes past and was to continue for two or three more. It was somewhat late when I knock’d at the door, and therefore the Maid-servant who heard me, ask’d me what I would have? I answer’d that I was appointed in that House to take up my Quarters. The Maid soon called her Mistress, and acquainted her with the matter; which she knowing, thus answer’d me, that she was a young new-married woman, that her Husband was absent, that she had onely one servant, and that therefore she could not with any conveniency entertain any man in her house. I could not be satisfied with this answer, but reply’d that I was sorry I must be so troublesom, but withal that it was too late to seek any other lodging; and that my Comrades were all in their Quarters, and therefore I must unavoidably lye in the street if she did not entertain me; wherefore I pray’d her to receive me into her house, and put me into any place she pleas’d, and I promised that I would be as little troublesome as possibly I could, and therefore I desired her not to deny that fairly and by entreaty, which she knew I could command. The young woman, although she was much troubled (believing that I might hinder a design she had in hand) yet knowing withal that what I said was true, and that I might command where I entreated, commanded her maid to open the door, and shew me my lodging up in the Garret. When I was entred the house, I told her that I was to lodge there, so I desir’d I might sup with her, (not that I would command it, but that I would willingly pay for what I had) because it was late, and I had not eaten any thing all that day. She seemed angry at my proposal, telling me that I was mistaken if I took her house for an Inn, and if I wanted a supper, want I must, for I was like to have nothing there but my bare lodging, and indeed bare I might call it, for it was a most pitiful one, however I was forc’d to make use of it, and go supper-less to bed. Being thus ready to dye for hunger, I had little mind to sleep, and therefore I only tumbled and tossed without so much as closing mine eyes together. After I had lain an hour in this manner, casting mine eyes about the Chamber, I perceived some light which came through a Chink or Crevis in the floor, and my curiosity inviting me to it, I leap’d out of the bed, and laying my eye to the place, I might perceive under me a room very well furnisht, wherein was a great Fire, two Spits, of roasted Fowls, the Maid turning them, and the young Woman, the Mistress sitting in the arms of a young Fellow a Lawyer, who to me appeared to be so by his Gown. How! said I to myself, is this the Woman that in her Husbands absence will not receive a man into her? Oh the unconstancy and subtility of Women! this I thought, but however I believed it was not as yet time to speak out; but being very hungry, I beheld the Spits with some anger, and devoured the Fowls with my eyes; I had the patience to see the Supper dress’d, though I was not to be a Guest; and though I could not taste, yet I could smell the Victuals: I saw the Table spread, the Bottles of Wine brought out, & the Victuals placed on the Table, but just as they were going to sit down, one knock’d at the door; this somewhat startled them, but their confusion was greater, when the Maid asked who was at the door, understood it was her Master. They were all frighted and confounded, not knowing where to put the man, or the victuals, they had but little time to consider: There was but one little Chamber adjoyning where the maid lay, and under her Bed at length they laid him, and the Meat, Drink, and all the Appurtenances were placed in a Closet in the Chamber: This being done, and the Woman sitting down by the fire, the Master who was impatient with calling and knocking, was let in, and coming up stairs, his Wife rises from her seat, and cryes out, Oh dear Husband! Wellcome home, how glad am I to see you, especially in coming sooner than I expected. That is true, said the good man, I made haste and dispatched my Business, which being done, I took Horse and made all possible speed to come home to you, and indeed, I have rid full speed all this day; And very welcome you are, said she: But how come you to have so great a fire? said the Husband: Oh Love, said the Wife, I am troubled with the Belly-ake as passes, and I made this fire to warm Trenchers and clothes, to put to my Belly to ease me; and truely I think that this pain hath taken me with vexing at a paultrey business that happened this night; for here came a Soldier and said he must, and would quarter here, and it hath so angred and griev’d me, to think that a man must lodge here in your absence, that I think truly it hath brought my paine. I hearing this, thought it would be convenient for me ere long to appear, and therefore put on my Clothes, but still I gave attention to the end of their discourse, which was thus continued: Said the Husband, well, let that pass; but I pray let me have some Supper, for I have made such haste to day in travelling to come to you, that I am almost dead with hunger, wherefore I pray give me some Victuals. Victuals, replyed the woman, where do you think I should have it? Do you think I make feasting in your absence? Alas, my maid and I supp’d to night with each of us a Roasted Apple, I am sorry for that, replyed the Husband, and am very loath if I could help it, to go to Bed without a Supper, but what cannot be cured, must be endured. I hearing this, and believing it to be very proper for my design, being already dress’d, went down stairs, and knock’d at the door, which opened, I entred, and saluting my Landlord, prayed him to excuse me for disturbing his Wife, who had indeed refused to entertain me, till I had acquainted her with my Orders, which, lest he should distrust any thing to the contrary, I then pull’d out and shew’d him, and told him that I hoped his Wife could not complain of any incivility I had offered her. No truly, reply’d she. I having satisfi’d him in this, I told him that I understood that he had not supped no more than I, and therefore if he pleased I would give him and his Lady a Supper, for I had it in my power to accommodate them very plentifully. How is that possible? reply’d my Landlord, since it is so late, and nothing is to be had in the Town, and besides that it will be too late to dress any thing. I bid him take no care for that, but if he pleased he should be provided with victuals ready dresed provided he and his wife would both promise me secresie; they told me that they would do so, but he wondred, and she seemed to do so too, at what I intended to do; whereupon I told them I had a correspondency with Spirits, who would furnish me with what I desired, and thereupon taking a piece of Chalk, and making a Circle I Placed myself in it, made certain Figures about it, and taking a Staff in my hand, waved it about my head, and then I uttered many words which were onely conceited fustian stuff, which they understood not, nor I myself neither, and then proceeding I named a Spirit, and told him that he must quickly provide me a Supper for myself, my Landlord, and his Lady. I seemed to listen, and then told them that my Spirit was obedient, and nothing was wanting now but to know what they would have; I asked the question, but they answered, What I pleased: Bring then, said I, a Boyl’d Hen and Bacon, a Couple of Roasted Capons, a Dozen of Partridges, two Dozen of Larks, a Pippin Tart, with Oranges and Lemmons, and Fruit sufficient; Also bring us two Bottles of Canary and two of Claret; this was the Victuals I had seen provided, and therefore this I call’d for; and withal, said I, I charge thee not to appear in any horrible shape, so as to frighten my Landlord or Landlady, but dispatch quickly and set all down in the Closet of this Chamber. Having thus finisht my Inclination and paused a little, now, said I, open the door and there you shall see I am obeyed. The maid readily did as I commanded, and all was there in ample manner ready dress’d, to the great astonishment of my Landlord, but my Landlady, though she seem’d to be amazed, knew well enough that she was discovered, but as yet could not disaprove of what I had done. The meat being produced, the Table was spread and the provision placed thereon, and now all things being in readiness, I desired my Landlord and Landlady to take their places; at my request they did so, but my Landlord was mighty unwilling to eat, until he see me eat and commend the Victuals and Sauce, and I importuning him to taste, he did so, and my Landlady by his example consented to accompany us in the same employment: Having now done with one Dish, and my Landlord finding that to be good, by my example fell to another, and though he was somewhat cautious, yet he made a good Meal; I am sure I did not spare, but fed like a Farmer, and my Landlady was not at all behind hand, she well enough knowing, that though I told them it was dress’d under ground, yet she could contradict me but she durst not; the maid had her part too, and all were well enough content, except the poor Lawyer, who was both hungry and fearful, lest as I had discovered the meat, I would also discover the Caterer, but I minded no such matter, I thought as I had begun well, so to end, and I would not be so discourteous to him to make him fare ill, when by his means I had fared so well. We not onely eat lustily, but drank off our Wine cheerily, which was as good as ever tipp’d over Tongue, and for us three there was enough; and now at last my Landlord did own that the Meat and Sauce, Bread and Drink were all excellent good, and that if the Spirits could command so good Fare, they were more harmless and better company than he thought for: I told him my Spirit was still in his house, and expected my further Commands, therefore I desired to know whether he would have ought else e’re I discharged him? He told me, No: Then, replyed I, he shall descend; but since he hath done us so good service, I will, if you please, let you see him. Oh by no means Sir, said my Landlady, fearing I would discover her greatest Secrets. Rest contented, replyed I, for I am Master of more discretion that to disoblidge a Lady; assure your self it shall be otherwise than you imagine: my Landlord too was very fearful, but I assured him there should be no cause, and thereupon for the more easie management of what I intended, I ordered the Servant-maid to open the Street door, and all the other Doors of the House, that the Spirit might have the more freedom to depart, otherwise I told them he would raise a Tempest; and, continued I, he shall not appear in any horrid form, but in the habit of one of your Neighbors; having told them this, I thus began: Oh thou Spirit, who hast been unexpectedly disturbed, but hast so plentifully catered for us, come forth for I now give thee leave to go whither thou pleasest. The Lawyer who was but in the next room, and who had heard all passages, was not so sottish as to neglect this opportunity, but pulling his Hat over his face that he might go undiscovered, came forth of the room where he had been hid, and with a steady pace walked by us, going down stairs, and so leaving the house, whilst my Landlady in a trembling manner sate and beheld what had passed.

CHAP. XVI.

_The Souldier is in danger to be caught by his Landlord in his Landladies Chamber, but by her wit he escapeth. Mistris_ Dorothy _relates that a parcel of Padders having rob’d a Knight of four hundred pounds, two of them are taken, but the Knight will not swear absolutely against them, because he might sue and get his Money of the Hundred where he was rob’d. A Crew of Pick-pockets wanting money, two of them pretend to be drunk and quarrel with the third, wherefore these two are put into the stocks, and getting company, the third had the opportunity of picking many Pockets._