Part 7

Her Husband was not so deaf, but that he heard all these mutterings, which extreamly disturb’d his spirits, insomuch that he now began to question in his thoughts his Wife’s fidelity to him, but exprest not his resentments in the least, resolving to see what the event of these things would be. The Gentlewoman on the other side fearing lest she should be the death of him she once loved equally with her own life, resolved to restore him if she could, and to that intent she judg’d the best expedient was to remove his despair, by giving him some hopes that he had a share in that heart still which was once totally his; which she did with so much assurance (though with no such intent) that he had not so lost his senses but that he understood what she said, and therefore begg’d a repetition of these words again, which she did so sweetly and with so much seeming reality, that this remedy had like to have proved his absolute ruine, for at this he cryed out as loud as his weakned spirits would give leave, O let me die! since none more happy now than I, and so fell into a swound; there were none in the Room but these two, but the Gentlewoman with her shrieks soon fill’d the Room, who assisted all to recal him, with much difficulty they did, and now their greatest care was to get him to sleep; he was now easily perswaded to any thing, to all their admirations, and so reposing him self that night, there was by the next morning wrought so wonderful a change that all his friends were amazed. This miraculous recovery plainly appeared to proceed from his Doctress for after this there was not a visit that she gave him, which did not sensibly amend him.

At length he was restored to his perfect health, and now did this Gentlewomans Husband fall sick of a worse distemper, the _Plague of Jealousie_, and raved as the other had done, but in a worse manner; for now he did not stick to call that wife (which he knew with all her Friends to be honest and virtuous) Whore, Strumpet, _&c._ It was to no purpose for her to justify her innocency, for he was so strongly possest with an opinion of her dishonesty, that he would not hear the least Plea in her behalf, but so enrag’d he was that nothing proceeded out of his mouth but vows to be revenged on his Wife and loose Associate; several attempts he made on them both, but ineffectual; insomuch that it was now high time for their friends to advise them not to come near him, till some means might be used to convince him of his misbelief, and to lay open the danger that would ensue should he persist in this misgrounded opinion.

This counsel was well receiv’d and followed, this Jealous Gentleman being thus deserted, and the Subjects of his revenge removed from him, ran up and down like a mad-man, but seeing at last this could not be the way to effect his purpose, desisted from raving, and seemed to hearken to the counsel of his friends who advised by all means to harbour no such unworthy thought of his wife, pawning their souls she was as honest as their own, with many more perswasions, which he hearkned to with great attention seemingly, and to be short, acknowledg’d his error; and if that they would be the instruments of bringing his wife to him again, he would on his knees beg her forgiveness, and the Gentleman whom he had wrong’d, they making him bind his promise with many Vows and Protestations, assured him they would use their utmost endeavour, in short time they prevailed with the Gentlewoman to return upon the Conditions aforesaid.

Coming home, this hypocritical jealous Devil prepared a sumptuous Dinner, and invited his supposed Rival, with many friends to rejoyce with him in this happy reconciliation between him and his wife, and in the mean time he applied himself to an Apothecary, an intimate friend of his, whom he thought wicked enough for his purpose, and one that he might confidently trust, telling him that his wife was a Whore, and that he knew the Rogue her lascivious Paramour; that he was a dead man if he was not revenged on them both by death, and for that purpose he must help him to a strong dose of poyson that shall dispatch them instantly; the Apothecary after some pauses, with the proviso of never being discovered, consented, and gave him something in a paper, which with much joy he received, and carried home with all expedition. By this time dinner was ready and serv’d up, the Guests seated, and he bidding them welcome with a chearful countenance, declar’d to the whole Company that he had highly wrong’d his wife, and that Gentleman pointing to him, that if they would forgive him, he would make them amends; they readily condescended to what he had propounded, and now nothing but a general jolity was observed throughout the Table, the Glasses went about merrily, there being all sorts of wine to excess; and now let me bring this feast to its Catastrophe. The Cloth being removed, and all prepared and ready for a Grace-cup, this graceless man, the Master of the Feast, call’d for a Bottle of Wine, in which before he had conveyed what he had received from the Apothecary, and filling out thereof in a large glass up to the brimm, drank an health to his wife, wishing they might never have more difference here, his Wife and all the Company gladly accepted the notion; he having drank it off filled to his wife, which she drank off to her former Lover, he receives it, and drank, as the other had done, to the next having so done, the Husband started up, saying, It was enough, it should go no further; every one admired at the humour, which he perceiving, said, you must think I love my wife and her friends better than so, than that they should drink what you do, they deserve to have something therein better than ordinary to end all differences on Earth, and make them Saints in Heaven, I love them not so ill as not to bear them company; Come, come to your prayers for a prosperous journey, our time is but short. Lord! what a confusion was all the room in, when they heard him speak after this manner, knowing now that he had perfected his revenge by poysoning them and himself too. Several were dispatcht instantly for Antidote to expel the poyson, whilst the poor Gentlewoman and her friend were on their knees offering up their last Petitions: having said some Prayers, Husband, said she, I forgive you with all my Soul, but know, I ever lov’d you too well to defile your Bed, and as these are (as I suppose) the last words I shall ever speak to you more, I am innocent as to what you unjustly suspect me with; and let me, said her friend, on the dying words of a sinful man protest, I never defiled your Bed, and do believe her from all others as chaste as the chastest Vestal-Virgin; whilst they were thus confessing, the Apothecary came in just as the Husband had kneeled to ask Heaven forgivenness for this triple murder. The Apothecary seeing them all in this posture, he broke out into a very extravagant laughter, which made the Husband turn about his head, who seeing the Apothecary, cryed out, Seize that Villain, it is he that hath help’d me to do this damn’d Act, it is he that hath furnished me with those hellish materials to murder the innocent; by this time conceit had so wrought on the other two, that by their faces it was high time the Apothecary saw to unriddle the whole matter; wherefore desiring them to rise, Gentlemen, said he, the Master of this house upon a discontent grounded on jealousie, the particulars whereof you all know, came to me, and desired assistance in his revenge by poyson, had I deny’d him he would have gone to some else, who might have embraced his wicked design, but to the intent I might hinder all further attempts, I gave him nothing but what was harmless, and assure your selves there is no danger in what you have drank, my life for yours; this strangely amaz’d them all, the Gentlewoman was demanded how she felt her self, she acknowledged to have no sense of alteration, and so did the other; the Husband seeing how fouly his Plot was discovered, and being ashamed to breath after so much intentional guilt, drew a Dagger and attempted to stabb himself three or four times, but was still prevented, being at last somewhat pacified by his good wife, he retired, and having for two years sequestred himself from the enjoyments of the world, exercising himself in all things that became a penitent man, he vowed a weekly pennance during his life, and so was throwly reconciled to his wife, and the moderate enjoyments of this life.

And thus Mistress _Dorothy_ finished all her Stories acquainting us further, that amongst these many Amorists that came to see her, her friend the Scrivener, became intimately acquainted with her, and frequenting her Company often, gained so great an Interest in her, that he being bound for the _East Indies_, perswaded her to go with him in mans apparel, which she did, and there found some of her old acquaintance, and one that had been so familiar with her before in _England_. Every one had now given an account of the most considerable passages of their lives, excepting only the Captain, who being sollicited thereunto, freely condescended to anatomize his life, without mincing the least material truth, and thus in the Chapters following gives you the whole relation.

CHAP. VII.

_The Sea-Captain gives an account of his illegitimate Birth at_ Bristol, _was left on a Stall, and maintained by the Parish. He is deluded by a Bawd, and perswaded to steal; he is taken_ ipso facto, _committed, arraigned, and condemned to be transported; the Bawd is carted._

It’s now high time for me to acknowledge the great Satisfaction I have received in your relating so many witty and pleasant passages, that have occurr’d in your lives time hitherto; nor can I (without injuring your ingenuity) but commend your generous freedom in discoursing every Remarque, and not omiting any observable, though you knew it could not chuse but cut the very throat of your dying Reputations; and that I may not seem to fall short of that frankness, and gallantry, I will not so much as seem tainted of the late unpardonable sin of these times; Men making it generally their business to censure the Lives and Actions of others, without being in the least sensible of their own, or amending those they cannot hide. Wherefore I shall not abate my self an Ace, nor shall I let a Vice escape, (whereof I am and hath been plentifully stored) without letting you take notice of its shape, complexion, and constitution; Nor shall I hide this truth from you, that I came into the world by stealth; being begot in _Hugger-mugger_. As my Parents begot me rashly, so they left me carelesly to the world, not doubting, but that which was gotten with so much heat, would live in spight of Fate. They were the more resolute in this cruel resolution of leaving me on a Stall, having generally observed the good Fortune that generally attends Bastards. I was not long left on the Stall, (as my Nurse hath several times since informed me,) but that Hunger awakening me, I piped so shrilly, (and so unexpectedly lowd from a Child so young,) that I soon penetrated the ears of a great many pitiful minded persons that were passing by that way: but the greatest number were of the Female Sex. The Maids, you may think had fine tittering sport; whilst I poor Babby cryed for I knew not what, and well it had been if I never had known what it was to shed a Tear. At length a notable old Woman of the vulgar sort, pressing into the crowd; _Stand aside_ (quoth she) _ye giggletting Huzzies; get ye home to your Mistresses service; there is some of ye, for all your laughing now I warrant ye, will be putting finger in eye before these nine Months, upon the like account_, and so steps to me; _What_ (said she) _the Child must not starve, though it be a By blow; its none of the poor infants fault_; and so opening her Breast, she conducted her Nipple to my mouth, which immediately quieted my bawling. Various were the Discourses and suppositions of the People whose Child I should be, every one giving in his verdict according to his imagination, or the suspitions he had entertained of such and such. Some that were more curious and inquisitive than the rest, strictly survey’d me all over, and having commended me for a lusty Child (as generally such are, who are begotten by the heat of blood and strength, grown to full perfection) but likewise praised the proportion and promising features of my tender countenance. At last, a Paper some espy’d pinn’d to my breast, which my Nurse preserving, since I was of years, she gave them me, and I committed them to my memory, which were these:

_You see I’me pretty, and am cleanly clad; Shew then more pity, than my Mother had. But four days since, that I received breath; O do not let me cry my self to death. Take home your Child, this Parish is my Mother; And what’s distressed in it is my Brother. Keep me awhile, for in some time don’t fear, I’le fully recompence your cost and care._

Whilst these were reading by a fellow, that thought himself not meanly so, because he could read written hand; there was a general silence, but no sooner had he ended, but there arose a greater tattling noise in the Crowd, than twenty Bake-houses, or a Fair in any Countrey town could produce. Saith one; _I warrant the Father on’t was no Fool, for doubtlesly he wrote the Verses, but the Mother was without question a cruel Quean, that could find in her heart to let so lovely a Babe to perish by extremity of cold_; for it was then about _January_. The Constable was straight way informed of this accident, who readily came, and caused me to be carryed to a Churchwardens: the Woman that was so tender-hearted as to suckle me, was glad of the imployment, hoping she might be the Woman elected to be my Nurse; which fell out accordingly, she lately loosing her own Child of a quarter old. The good woman was overjoyed she had got another to supply the place of her own; especially since she suspected that her age would not permit her to be assisting in the getting of another, and therefore was the more tender of me; Her care and fondness made me grow apace, so that in 12 Months I was called her chopping Boy. To pass over that age, wherein the understanding is in _Embrio_, and Reason and Experience have not yet consulted about the governing of the grand concerns of mans future being; I shall only give you an account of my Life from the Ninth Year of my Age, till this present.

My Nurse could not choose, when I was but Seven years old, but take notice of many things I committed, for which she severely chastis’d me, endeavouring to stop me in my first proceedings, knowing my pretty Rogueries had their rise from an inclination to all manner of Vice. Above all things I loved all sorts of strong Liquors, not that anything accounted pleasurable, could go amiss with me; for how could it otherwise be, since my Parents, (as I have been informed) studied only how to enjoy their Heaven here, by enjoying what was agreeable most to sence; and therefore I could not be unlike them, who was the absolute extract of no common delights. I say I loved in an extraordinary measure, whatsoever was strong, yet being too young, and so could not drink for the sake of good company, I would greedily drink for its own sake, and that I might procure my satisfaction that way, I found frequent opportunities to steal small parcels out of my Nurses Purse when she was asleep, and then pretending that she sent me for Ale, would drink it by the way; Any small trivial thing, as a Knife, &c. in any House wherever I came, I instantly seiz’d them as my proper Goods and Chattels, and converted them to the use aforesaid: I had a very good convenience of a Bawdy-house not above a Musquet shot from our House; the well disposed Matron thereof, would not only receive what I brought, but would give me half as much Ale as it was worth, besides her blessing, (curse be upon it, I never thriv’d since I had it,) the breath of her best wishes being enough to blast the most promising hopes, that ever yet aspiring Youth entertain’d within his breast; Nay, she told me I was her white Boy, instructed and encouraged me in the Art of theevery, telling me the welcomer I was, the oftner I came. By this means I began to know what it was to keep Company, her Wenches being my initiators, by whose help and my forward endeavours, I commenced Master of Art, before I could sum up Twelve years; I soon became Professor of that deep Mystery, and could when occasion served not, swear mouthingly, (which others call gracefully,) looking impudently, talk impertinently, or imprudently, drink profoundly, and smoak everlastingly. I had got a trick to laugh at every thing, because I would not be accounted morose, or phlegmatick; The melancholy man is a thing by itself, differing from the whole creation; in which every individual _species_ loves either an intercourse in converse, or amicable Society. That humour certainly was spawned by the Devil if it be true (as it is affirmed) that all Vices take their Original from Melancholy: on the contrary, what fault can he commit, whilst he is laughing, and merry, that deserves so much as the knitting of a Brow? Not that I will excuse my self; for my laughter was immoderate, and unseasonable, things so offensively ridiculous to any wise man, (as I have considered since) that it were better to be destitute of a mouth, than that distorted Mouth should abuse the grateful off-spring of a cheerful heart.

I could not have gone to a fitter School than this, to learn Impudence, Lies, Oaths, Drunkenness, with all other Vices and Debaucheries, which commonly flow from such like Nurseries for Hell, Factors for the Devil. My frequent ramblings after this manner abroad, and in my returns, my jolly temper and jocular humour at home, made my Nurse begin to suspect me, calling me to an account where I had been, with whom, and whether I had not tippled. I was grown so stout a Drunkard in so short a time, that my tongue and feet made a firm contract never to betray me, and therefore to all her demands I had excuses at my fingers ends: However she could not but sensibly find a decrease in her small stock; her chief livelihood depending on the sale of Apples, Nuts, Ginger-bread, Eggs, and the like, and thought all her endeavours were blasted from above: I saw her much troubled, and grieved, and I could not but be a little troubled, that I should be the destruction of my preserver; but as seldom any such perplexing thoughts came into my head, so I was ever cautious how I entertained such disquietness. But Heaven decreed, that I should not be the ruine of this Woman, and therefore permitted me to go no longer on in my Roguery with her. For a little distance off our House, I stept into a lower room in an Alehouse, and seeing no body, I imagined the coast was clear. If I had seen any, I should have askt some blind question or other; for I was sufficiently well acquainted, not only in that Parish, but through all _Bristol_; that was the place of my Nativity: I say, seeing none, I catcht up a Beaker, thinking it was Silver, (but its new scouring deceived me) and clapt it into my Breeches, and so marcht off, as I thought undiscovered, endeavouring with what speed I could to repair to my old Rendezvouz. But he that observed me to steal the Beaker did now dog me to the Bawdy-house, which I had no sooner entred, but I was groaping in my Breeches for my purchase, which when I had pull’d out, I tendred to my Landlady, desiring her to be civil to me; _ne’re question_ (quoth the fellow behind my back, that had watcht, and now catcht me) _you shal have as much civility as a whip will bestow on your back; besides what kindness lies in my power to do you_. Hearing him say so, I would have run a race with him, but I found him indisposed, being out of breath before, and therefore held me fast, desiring one of those that were crowding about the door to hear what was the matter, to go and fetch a Constable, which one more officious Rascal than the rest, presently did; and the Constable taking me in custody, and about to carry me before the Justice (cryed) _Hold, good Mr. Constable, I pray, Sir, let me desire you to put your self to the trouble to view the House farther; which by this gave Matrons leave, I question not we shall find well furnished with variety of Goods which by her constant care, and the indefatigable pains of others she hath gotten together_. This fellow, with the Constable, and my own roguish Urchinship had no sooner entred the Kitchin, but he espyed a Plate with the Letters of his name on’t, which I had stoln about a fortnight before from him: which taking up in his hands, sharply demanded of the good old Gentlewoman, how long it had been a sojourner in her house, and by what means it came to stray so far from home? This antiquated piece of more than common impudence, did not stick to tell him that she bought two dozen of them of such a one, that lately broke up House keeping. _Where are they_, quoth he? _before you on the shelf_, quoth she, with as much ignorance, as confidence. Upon this, he made his eyes the diligent and speedy Surveyors of that shelf on which the Plate stood, and of two dozen he found not two marked with one and the same Letters. _Why thou illiterate fool_ (said he) _I took thee till now to be an old crafty Devil-ridden Hag; the very Marks_ (which are all several) _do sufficiently evidence that each had his Master, before thou wert Mistress of the four and twenty_. Hereupon he made a strict Survey over the Utensils of the Kitchen, and found most of them of the like nature. Some trivials whereof he knew to be his own, as Spoons, Porringers, Sawcers, and other small things of light carriage, and easie conveyance, all which he seized and committed them to the custody of the Constable. Then turning to me; _Come my little-pretty-rascally thief_ (quoth he) _as you have shewn your self ingenuous, so ingeniously confess what things you have stollen from time to time, either from me or my Neighbourhood, and in so doing I will stand your friend, and endeavour to mitigate the severity of your ensuing punishment_.