Part 19

She would not answer him one word, so pensive she was, in considering what had hapen’d; but at length she told him, that if yet he would obey her in any thing, she desired him to call her Maid; he who knew that the Maid would not prejudice him, soon called her; and she was no sooner come into her Mistresses sight, but she cryed out, Oh Lord, Mistress, how joyful I am; at what, replyed the Mistress; that you and Mr. _R._ are marryed; why, who tells you so, said the Mistress? All the World, said the Maid, not only our family but all the street know it, and the Musick too thankt you for your liberal rewarding them. The Mistress hearing that the Maid was of this mind, did believe that she said true, and that all the Town would ere long be of her opinion; wherefore chiding her Maid for leaving the door open, and telling her, that although all the world did, or might believe that she was married, yet she could say, and swear the contrary, for that she had been her Bed-fellow that night; and therefore, said she, I expect that you will go and undeceive them, and tell them so. The Maid replyed, that although she knew what she said was true, yet she wished it were otherwise; and added, that Mr. _R._ was more fit to be her Bed-fellow than she was. Well, well, Gossip, replied the Mistress, then you must appoint me what to do. No, answered the Maid, but I only tell you my opinion. No more, said the Mistress, and thereupon was a great silence between them. But Mr. _R._ being resolved to try her a little further, made a sign to the Maid to leave the Chamber; she obey’d him, and he then again fell to wooing it with his Mistress; who although she gave him no answer for a long time, yet she thought the more and paid it with thinking, and considering the case truly as it stood in every respect, he over-ruled and overcame her; whether he gave her then an earnest penny (as he was like enough to do) or no, I know not; but he keeping her company for some hours, and by her consent getting a Coach, he clapt her into it; and going to the next Church, sent for a Parson, and there that was done in earnest, that had been so well presented in jest; and the next night he did lie with her; and that he might be sure to have Witnesses of his being in bed with her, several of their acquaintance were admitted into the Chamber.

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By this device (said Mrs. _Mary_) did this Clerk get him a Wife, and an Estate to boot, and that a very considerable one, which he looked after warily and carefully; and as an old Whore-master is the fittest person to make a Justice of the Peace, to punish that in others which he by experience knows more than ordinary, or for envy that he cannot prosecute his old courses. So this Clerk having been a sinner, and having been guilty of cheating his Master, was now too cunning to suffer any of his Under-Officers to serve him in the same manner. And he so well followed this course, that he became Rich; and when his wife died, which was some years after, he had scraped such an Estate together, that he was looked upon to be one of the most considerable persons in the Parish.

His Wife being dead, and he being now an old Fox, was resolved to be wary in his second choice, and to have both pleasure and profit: and not having any Children by his old Wife, intended to have one that might be in possibility of bringing those that might Heir his Estate.

He therefore putting himself into as youthful a habit as he could, woed several Maids of good birth and Quality; and in the end, the _London_ Lasses not fitting his humour, as being too wantonly and tenderly bred, and therefore proud and chargeable, he went into the Countrey, where he found one, who not being above four and twenty years of age, well bred, and one who had 400 _lib._ to her portion, and was sufficiently handsom; to this Maiden thus qualified, he being now sixty years of Age was marryed: she at first proved to be what he expected, an obedient and loving wife; but in short time, understanding her Husbands Quality, that he was the chiefest man in the Parish, and thereby understanding her own, and being visited by, and visiting of her Neighbours, and seeing their manners and customes, their entertainments, habits, houshold-stuff and other Ornaments for themselves and houses, and believing that they were below her in Quality, it was not long ere she by their example desired, nay demanded the like; she would frequently tell her Husband, that she had been at such a Neighbours, and there saw such and such a suit of Curtains and Vallence which were better and more in fashion than hers; and when by her perswasions or flattery she had obtained the like, then she complained that the Bed-stead was an old-fashion’d one, and that must be changed: next, that she must have new Chairs and Stools suitable to the Curtains; and then she rested not there, until she had gotten a new suit of hangings suitable to the Curtains and Stools; and now she stopp’d in her expences that way, but exceeded in another; for this new Furniture being had, all her Neighbours, Friends, and Acquaintance must be invited, one after another, to her house to see what an alteration she had made, and to have their opinions how they liked them. And these Friends must be treated with Wine and Junckets, and their Opinions being asked, one said, that indeed all was well, but that the Looking-glass she had was unsuitable, and an old pittiful thing, and therefore a new one must be had; another found fault with the brass Andirons in the Chimney, and that all that furniture must be changed; and a third said, there wanted a handsom Cabinet or Chest of Drawers: and now she had the opinion of her Neighbours, she never let her Husband rest, night or day, till all these things were done as she desired. The Chamber being thus set in order, the Kitchen was the next thing to be considered of, and there the Pewter first appeared, and that being old-fashioned, and being purchased at several times, was all differently marked; wherefore all that was changed for other that was of a newer fashion; and that she might be _a-la-mode_, there must be no Letter-Marks on it, but on every piece there must be the Coat of Arms of her Husband, and hers empaled, engraven on them; and it may be, he being unacquainted with any Arms of his own or hers either, must be at the charge to search the Heralds-Office for them; and they being found out, (for money rarely misses to make any man so much a Gentleman as to have a Coat) they must also be fairly painted, to hang up in the Hall; and the affairs in the Kitchen not being yet throughly reformed, the good old Andirons are changed into a new-fashion’d Range or Grate; and now all the Pewter being new, the shelves and dressers must be new made and new painted, as all the Kitchin was likewise. Thus did this Woman employ her self in the day time, and at night, he first giving her a grant that she should have the thing she desired, she requited him in the best manner she could: and he employed himself so well, that she was with Child; and in short time she being confirmed in the opinion that she was so, her Stomach was very squeamish, and she must have Caudles and Cordials of all sorts; for the making and ordering of which, she had the advice of an hundred Midwives, Nurses, and Gossips; and then she longed for all things she saw or heard of, especially such things as were scarce and costly, as Cherries and Strawberries in _March_ and _April_, when she was forced to give 12_d_ or 18_d_ a piece for them; but when _May_ came, and that they were any thing cheaper, she cared not for them. And next, all her business was in making provision against the Bantling should come to Town; there must be new Blankets, Beds, Rowlers, Pilches, Clouts, Shirts, Head-bands, Biggins, and a world of such kind of little Utensils provided; and the Cradle and Groaning-Chair must also be bought and made ready, and the Mantles which had served his former old Wife were too much out of fashion to be used now, (it is well if the best of them will serve for an ordinary Blanket) and a new one must be bought, and not one would serve the turn, but several there must be; one for the Chamber, another for to carry the Child abroad in, in Summer; another warmer, for the Winter; and above all these, there must be one costly one, wherein the Child must be dressed to be Christned in; (for it is too mechanical and base to use that of the Midwives) and it may be another must be had to spread upon the Bed. All these things were provided, and the Clouts and other linnen being made, several Washers and Starchers were employed to wash, starch, rub, slick, pinch, and make up this parcel, which must be laid up in Sweet-Powder in her new Chest of Drawers. These things being thus provided she had not yet done, but still wanted more, but especially two or three Baskets, one whereof being of fine wicker or rods, or else of Wire-work and beads; or else wire-work and Cloves, or else somewhat that is more fantastical, and by consequence, more costly, and one of these she had, and with it at least 20 dozen yards of several Colours of penny-Ribbons to be tied in curious knots about the basket. All these things the good old man gave Money to his Wife to provide; and these pretty things together amounted to a great sum. But all of them was nothing considerable to her next demand, and that was a Cup-boards-head of Plate; some there was in the house, _viz._ a beer-bowl, a Beaker, a Salt, and a dozen of Apostle Spoons: but these must be changed, and others provided; _viz._ one large Tanckard, two smaller of an equal size, one Plate, one Sugar-dish, two or three Porringers, two Caudle-Cups, two dozen of Spoons, a couple of Candlesticks, one pair of Snuffers; and such a large Inventory of this kind of Ware she did reckon up, that it troubled her Husband, and almost broke his heart to think how to satisfie the ambitious humour of his Wife; but knowing that there was no quietness without, he also bought and provided all these several parcels, and upon every piece of Plate their Coat of Arms were engraven: If I should reckon up all the other things, Sugar, Spice, Wine and Sweet-meats to be used at the crying out; to which was added _Westphalia_ Hams, Neats-Tongues, Geese, and such kind of Victuals as would toll down the Liquor and make the womens tongues run glib; but above all a groaning Cheese, and then other sorts of Provisions, as Quilts for the Bed, Sheets, Pillowbeers, Cloaks for her self to sit up in, Pinners, Cloves, and a world of such kind of trinckets; I should not please you, but tire my self, but the time of her crying out being near at hand, She tired the Midwife, Nurse, and Servants, and her Husband too, with her continual false Alarms. But at length, her full time being come, and the Fruit being ripe, it must fall; and after all this diligence in watching and attendance and great Cost and Charges, in the Provision aforesaid, She was delivered of one of the worser sort, a pitiful piss-kitching puling Girl: Although their expectations were all frustrated, as expecting a Son and Heir, yet it could not be, they must be content; and the woman was well enough satisfied, as being told that when a Boy is born, the Father is better pleased; and when a Girl, then the Mother; and She believing this Maxime to be true, hoped that it was a good Omen that she should for the future, prevail over, and command her Husband.

_The Child being born, and likely enough to live, the women fell to, and in an hours time eat up, and drank off all this provision, and then their tongues ran like so many Mill-clacks; every one handling, dandling, kissing and spending their Verdict about this Bantling. One said, it was as like the Father as if it had been spit out of his mouth; another, that it had his very Nose; a third, that it was mouth’d like the Mother; and a fourth, that it had its Fathers eyes; and thus they all spent their Verdict: and although they all spake differently of the Child, yet all must and did conclude that it was very like the Father. He poor man was called up amongst them, and according to custom being to kiss all the women, was much puzled to do it in an orderly manner; for she that was finest, thought her self to be best, and therefore first to be saluted; she that was eldest expected the same: and accordingly several of them put themselves forwards, so that he did not know when he had done; but at length they all having joyed him of his young Daughter, they sat down, and then kissed he his little one, but durst not do so to his wife without the Nurses leave, lest she should exact the usual fee of a pair of Gloves: wherefore he seeing that there was Charge enough already, was resolved to avoid all that he could._

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_His wife, now having a Child must have all fitting appendixes and attendants to it; and she being resolved not to give her self the trouble of nursing it her self, and being withal too fond of her Baby to have it out of her sight, therefore Nurses were sought out,_ viz. _a dry-Nurse, and a wet-Nurse; one to suckle the Child, and another to wash the Clouts, and rock, and attend it; besides a third, to attend the woman. But although she did not resolve to suckle the Child her self, yet she had a considerable trouble to dry up her Milk; for she was forced to have a woman to draw her Breasts first, and then to use Towe, Sage-Possets, and other things, to dry it up. This was her trouble; but her Husbands trouble and Charges were intollerable. There was every day something or another wanting; and being resolved to manage his affairs himself, and receive and pay all, had enough to; and it almost broke his heart to see how trivially and vainly his money was drawn from him upon his wifes account. He now wished his old Wife alive, or that he had not tried the troublesome effects of being married to a young woman; but this repentance came too late, and seeing he could not help it, he was resolved to bear all patiently._

_The Child and Wife being both now in a fit condition, the Child was to be Christned; the trouble of getting or procuring God-Fathers and God-Mothers was little trouble to him, for he had too great an acquaintance to be unprovided of choice of them. But the charge of that Ceremony was very chargeable. There were Glovs for the Midwife, Deputy-Midwife, Nurses, Servitors, and all his Servants; and such costly Services for the women, as cost him many a sigh to consider of it. And this being over, his house was every day filled with Gossipings, who although, as is usual, they brought the meat, yet he found the sawce, which was always as chargeable as the rest. And he was used to say on these occasions, that although the Guests brought their own Victuals, yet he that laid the Cloth paid the greatest share. There was such revelling and noise, such laughing and merry-making, that his head was so disordered, that he neglected and could not keep his accounts in their usual method._

_But as all times run on and will have their period, so this time had an end, but his Charge had none; for his wife being able to sit up and appear to her Gossips, in that posture She was to be provided with a new morning-Gown, and Sattin Cloke to sit up in; and no sooner was that made, but order was given for a new Tabbee-Gown, and Sattin-Petticoat for her to go abroad in, it being, as they told him, a beggerly business to permit his wife to wear old Clothes at her first going abroad; and the Exchange was examined for all the newest fashion’d appurtenances, that in every thing she might appear like his wife; and all this they told him, must necessarily be done for his Credit. Although he knew it was more for his profit and Credit too to be furnished with large bags full of ready money to pay people on his necessary occasions, yet he was forced to empty some of them in these extravagant vanities. A great Feast being made on that day moneth that his wife was brought to bed, and she being then Churched, and having walked abroad to shew her self in her new Clothes, at night he thought he should quietly have gone to bed to her, but he was forbidden that by the Nurse, because forsooth, all the groaning-Cheese was not eaten up, but he being willing to put an end to all these fooleries together; and hoping this was the last of them, compounded with her, and so he had admittance._ And thus was all this great troublesom and chargeable business ended.

Thus (continued Mrs. _Jane_) was the charge and trouble of this business over, but the continued Charge and trouble that his Wife still put him to on all occasions did not cease, but did so afflict and torment him, that he often wished himself unmarried.

CHAP. XX.

_In short time after the old Mans Wife is with Child again, and brought to bed of a Son, to the great charge of the Father. The Old Mans ways of getting Moneys and his covetous humour of stealing Bricks: he is caught in the manner, and made to pay for it; also he is forced to wade through the water by his Covetousness. The Extravagancies of the young Son, who being corrected by his School Master, in revenge breaks his Windows: His Mother locks him up, and he cuts her Chairs and Stools in pieces, his Father threatens to correct him, and he pretends to be drowned; he gets Money from his Father, rambles and spends it; and coming home, his Father again threatning him, he pretends to be hanged._

Whether our Old Blade was pleased with his Nights lodging with his Wife, I know not, but I am sure he was displeased with the effects of that, or some suddainly after, for it was not long ere his Wife discovered her self to be with child again; and then there was not only the second part to the same tune, but also much more trouble; for she breeding this great Belly worse than the other, was more troublesome; and concluding by this difference in her breeding, that now she should have a different birth, a Son to her Daughter, She told the old man that she was confident of it; and so indeed it proved; for at the usual time she was brought a Bed of a Son but he was a chargeable one to the Old man in his birth, and a cross to him all his life after.

Much provision was made to entertain their young Heir; and although the woman was well enough provided before, yet now there were additions to every thing, and all the house was altered and turned topsie turvy; two Rooms beat into one, to make a Hall big enough to entertain the Guests the more commodiously; and a suit of Tapestry-Hangings, and Turky-work Chairs, and other Furniture to adorn it; and should I run through all the several alterations and additions that were then made, I should be as troublesom to you, as this woman was to her Husbands Money bags: wherefore I will omit all things of that nature to your imaginations, and only tell you in general, that this woman was as profuse in her expences as she could imagine; so that her Husband, after this lying in, did give her an account of her expences, and made out clearly to her, that she had cost him in alterations in his house, and these two Lyings in, full as much as he had with her for Portion; and therefore he knowing the virtue of ready Money, was resolved not to be over-rul’d by her any longer, and be led to these vain extravagancies. Although his Estate, and profit and gains of his Trade would well enough bear with these expences, yet he being naturally covetous, being now grown old, that Vice was encreased, and knowing that now he had two Children to provide for, he scrap’d up all he could, pretending to his wife it was for her and them; so that now his Purse was close shut against all her requests and entreaties; and not long after a fair opportunity of a good Customer happening, he sold off all his Stock in Trade, Utensils, and House; and having an estate large enough for him to manage without Trading, he left of all employment, and retired, taking a House a few miles off from _London_; thither did he carry his Wife and Family: and now in this private way he designed to save; for now there was no occasion of feasting and entertaining Friends, as before. The wife was now cut off from deceiving the old man of his Money, because he seldom kept any in his House, leaving that still, as it came to hand, at his Scriveners in _London_, and bringing home no more than would serve to keep house: and now all that she could handsomly get was by cheating him in her Marketting; for She would pretend that parcel of meat which cost her ten shillings, did cost her twelve or thirteen, and so of the rest. So that she brought the old man to allow her fourty Shillings _per_ week to keep the House; and then she pinched his Guts, and made him look out abroad for Victuals; at home She would make a neck of Mutton serve for three dressings, and would give him of the worst: but he made his belly amends by visiting of Friends, who treated him; he was one of the Masters of the Company of which he was a freeman; he was one of the Masters of the Parish, where he had long dwelt; he was one of the Masters of one or two Hospitals; and as long-liv’d over-grown rich Citizens usually are so was he in all these places, and many more; so that there was seldom a week in the year; and sometimes never a day in the week; but he was invited to one of these Assemblies; where he did eat at the cost of others, and not only eat, but carry away in his Hawking-bag which he wore by his side on purpose, although he pretended it was to carry Papers and writings which he had occasion to use; and this Hawking bag was seldom empty; for when he was at any of these feasts, or at any other Treatment by a friend, he would stuff it full of such Provant as best liked him; and now having the conveniency of carriage, he would also steal Knives; nay, rather then fail, Candles-ends, and put them into his Hawking-bag; and I have known that sometimes his Covetousness hath carried him further, to steal quarries of glass out of the windows of the House where he hath been, and thereby damage other folks windows to mend his own.

These were the effects of his Covetousness, but he was catch’d in one trick, and made to pay soundly for it, and thus it was: His house being a few miles from _London_, he usually went and came every day, sometimes on Horseback, but usually on foot; he had occasion for a parcel of bricks to build a small brick wall, to divide a yard; and seeing in his way between _London_ and home that there was a Brick-kiln, and withal that it was usual with people to take one or two, he did so likewise; and still when he went home on foot, he would take 2, 3, or 4, and clapping them under his Cloak, carry them home. At times he had thus carryed home as many as would neer build his wall; but the owner of the Brick-kiln being acquainted with his doings, and his covetous inclination, was resolved to catch him, and make him pay for it; wherefore he watched him, and catcht him with four bricks under his arm: How now? my friend, said the Brick-maker, What have you gotten under your Cloak? Nothing, nothing, replyed our Old Dotard: I must see, said the other; and thereupon threw open his Cloak, and discovered the prize: what do you with these Bricks? said the Owner: and thereupon being resolved what to do, called his Servants, and went before a Justice of Peace with the Old man; who being thus caught, could not deny the fact; but the Owner charged him with many thousand of Bricks, which, he said, he had lost; and so ordered the matter, that he made our Old man pay more than his Brick-wall might have been honestly built for; and thus did his Covetousness bring him to shame and disgrace; but he still persevered in it, though it were sometimes to his dammage.