Part 16

The great store of Rain that fell, and made the High-ways like Hasty Pudding, by which means though I rid in Shooes and Stockins, yet I was sufficiently be-booted with dirt. I rid over the Common melancholy alone, but coming to _Maiden-Head Thicket_, there was company enough such as I liked not by any means, and now _Gramercy Horse_, for had not he looked as scurvily as I rid bootlesly scandalous, I had undoubtedly been robb’d; never was poor Horse, and beastly Man so survey’d before, by Devils I think, for their Faces by their Vizard-Masques seemed every whit as black. Escaping that danger, I got the second days journey to _Reading_, alighting, I fell all along, for I had kickt away my Leggs in riding thither, Never did I find the difference till now of riding on a Yard-arm, and on the sharp-ridg’d back of a surfeited Jade; I had not so much skin left upon my Breech as would make a white patch for an _Ethiopian_ Lady of Pleasure. Here I lay three days to recover the damage my posteriors had sustained by riding my wooden Horse. In which time I observed but little remarkable, but a Tapsters Playing with a fellow of the Town for Money in a little By Ale-House, where was sold incomparable Ale, which I found out by the information of a Coblar, the reflection of whose face would have afforded light enough to an Ale-house at Mid-night.

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I was a spectator on their Play, and glad I was of this opportunity, to divert my self in a strange place. The Tapster in a little time had lost to the other the price of 2 Barrels of Beer, which so inraged him, it being his all, that nothing could perswade him but that he was cheated of his Money, that he napt on him, and I know not what, and swore he would have every penny of his Mony before he should stir from the place. The other told him that he had won it fairly, and therefore would as surely keep it; hereupon the Tapster struck up his heels, and to work he went with him, the fellow seeing his drift that he would dispossess him of his Money, got as much as he could privately out of his Pocket, and clapt it into his mouth cramming it almost full. The Tapster was amazed to find so little in his Pockets, and therefore made all the Privy search he could, which was all to no purpose, so that he concluded the fellow was little less than a Conjurer, after that he had tired himself with beating and kicking his Carkass, he did let him rise, the fellow for all his seeming resolution at first took this basting very patiently, and would have been gone willingly to avoid the second part of the same tune, had not the Tapster laid hold on him, saying, _Nay faith t’other box in the ear, and ’tother kick on the breech, and go and be damn’d_, so lifting his hand up, gave him a cuff on the face, that by the Noise of what dropt out of his Mouth, I verily believed he had not only struck out all his teeth, but had also fractur’d in pieces his jaw-bones; but I soon was convinced of the contrary, when I lookt on the Ground, for there lay the Mony scattered which in his Mouth he had secured. I never stood considering what was to be done, since I saw a little time was soon lost, so that blowing out the Candle, I fell a scrambling with the Tapster, who had got the start of me, however I made my party good with him, and was not behind with him in my share, and so slipt out, leaving the poor fellow to hold his bleeding chops, which were cut through by a piece of Money, and the Tapster in _tenebris_ to sum up his losses. Leaving this Town I found that I had more Money going out of it than I brought into it, and so I merrily rode on to _Newberry_. Here my jaded Beast gave up the Ghost, it was time for us to part, for we were both weary of one the other. Money soon procured me the sight of another, but exceeding different from the former, as the one was exceeding dull and heavy, this was all air, and fiery, no ground would hold him as it is usually said; this Horse was brought me to look on, the Seller riding him in my sight with all the studied advantages a double Jury of Jockies could invent; dismounting, I was desired to make tryal of him my self, which I had no mind to do, for I dislik’d that in him, which another would have liked extremely, his extraordinary mettle, however, that I might not be laught at, I adventured to cross his back, but I was scarce settled in the Saddle, when this understanding Beast knowing by my sitting him, that he had a foolish and unskilful governour to deal withal, grew headstrong, flew away with me like lightning, for my part I thought I had got the _Devil_ between my leggs, and that I was riding Post upon some Hellish design. I knew quickly whom I had to deal withal, a thing that would have his will, and therefore thought it a piece of impudence to curb his extravagant running; knowing well that that pace would not last alwayes.

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I gave him his head, let him go which way, and as fast as he pleased; in troth he was better acquainted with the Road than his Master, and would not be perswaded out on’t by any such ignorant Hawl-bowling as my self; that night my Horse, and I, (for I must give his Horseship the preheminence) came to _Marlbrough_; entring the Town, he went directly to his Inn, and was known to the Hostler, calling him by some familiar term, I know not what now; and askt me whether the Horse was mine, I replyed that he was so, that I had bought him the day before at _Newberry_: and why should not I own him, since he intitled me by running away with me, not I with him; and since by an unexpected chance I had a benefit thrown into hands, I was resolved to make use of it, and so I did for the next day, very early I rode away with him for _Bristol_, never hearing of the right owner since: his heat and fury by this time were pretty well qualified, and could ride him then my own pace, where as before I would willingly condescend to have had a leg or an arm broke, to have secured the bone of my neck.

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_Bristol_, the place of my nativity I entred with a strange confidence, if you remember how I was born, and what roguish exploits I acted during my abode in that City; but as good luck would have it, as length of time had altered my countenance, so it had quite obliterated the memory of my former nefarious actions. Here did I spend my Money in all manner of riot and excess, finding a many jovial boon blades, although for the most part very strict and precise; and though none are permitted any thing late to tipple, yet there is time enough in the day to spend the Cargo of an _East-India-man_, especially if a man hath nothing else to do. The natural love I had to this place made me insensibly stay much longer than I intended, and though I was some weeks there, nothing occur’d worth the taking notice of, but furnishing my self with a pair of Bootes. My money began to grow somewhat low, so that I saw there was a necessity of removing thence; the inconveniences I was put to for want of Boots, made me resolve to try how I might procure them without either money or credit; I ponder’d with my self, and took many a walk in the _Marsh_, yet could project no feasible way to obtain my ends. I pitcht upon this at last; evening the account with my Landlord, I caused the Hostler to saddle my Horse and bring him out, mounting, I rid him to a quite contrary part of the City, where I lay, (my lodging was near the Castle, and I rode to the higher end of _Ratcliff-street_,) near the Gate, I tyed my Horse, and walkt down again backward where I observed some Shooe-makers, entring one of their Shops, I askt the Master thereof to shew me some Boots he did, and withal fitted me; having both the Boots on, I talked to him about the price, I refusing to give so much since they were too dear, he protesting on the other side that he would not abate a farthing, stepping to the Threshold (as if I intended to settle my feet in them) I started, though not fairly, running with all my speed, the Shooe-maker thought it was to no boot for him to stand still, whilst I was in action; wherefore leaving his shop, he betook himself to his heels, crying out as he ran, _stop him, stop him; Stop me not,_ quoth I, _we run for a Wager, and I give him the advantage of running in Shooes against my self in these heavy Boots_; hearing me say so, they gave way which I repeated to every one as I came near them; they encouraging me, crying out, _O brave Boots, O brave Boots_; Others animating the other with _O brave Shooes, O brave Shooes_; getting to my Horse, I mounted him, and without Spurs, for he needed none, I rode clear through _Ratcliff-gate_, and was soon out of sight, and never since heard of my Shooe-maker.

I was resolved to cross the Countrey for my better securing my self from my Horse-merchant, and so directed my Course to _Exeter_, where I was resolved to continue till I had increased my store. I was fearful of venturing on Robbing, and therefore my design was solely bent on cheating, having not been yet arrived to the height of understanding the ruinating Mystery of Gaming; my Land-lord was a very jolly associate, and delighted much in my company, in that I fitted his humour so well: we often walkt together, and by our converse broad grew intimately familiar, insomuch that if I were in the house, he was hardly out of my company. Frequently we diverted our selves with _Tom Fools Games_, as they call them, _Dubblets_, _Size Ace_, _Back Sir Hugh_, _Catch Dolt_, &c. For neither of us could play at any thing else with the Dice, unless _Old Sim_.

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It was my good fortune one day to play with him for a bottle of Wine at _Sise Ace_, which I won of him, and after that another, and in conclusion so many, that we were forced to call for assistance, which we could not want long, if men in this latter Age did not Apostatize by declining the powerful invitations of good wine. These Spungers by exhausting our Liquor inflamed the Reckoning, and that still kindled in us a desire to play on: I was the sole Conquerour; and seeing that he could not deal with me for the Reckoning, he propounded to me whether I would play with him for a Tester, I seeing how vext he was that he had lost so many Bottles, consented to humour him in any thing that was reasonable, not believing but that fortune would not withdraw her wonted favours from me. He losing still; from six pence, we doubled the stakes, and to be short, we gradually augmented them till we played for an Angel a Game, (may they always be tutelary to me, and be my Guardians from the insufferable torments of a despicable necessity,) from an Angel, to a Piece, till I had left him not a Piece to play with me, having won threescore and upward. Being a young man, he begg’d of me to conceal his loss, lest by the Proclaiming my good success, I detriment his credit; for he was so rational as to know that Gaming, as it surely stabs a mans Reputation, so in process of time it will cut the throat of his Estate, though very considerable.

I promised him I would do it though to no purpose, for the Standers by were the Publishers of those ill tidings, which will spread abroad themselves like a Pestilence. Now I thought it highly requisite to put my self into a better garb, and invest my self with such ornaments as might become a Gentleman, which I intended to personate. I accommodated my self with a Sword, and did not forget Spurs to my new Boots. Being thus bravely equipt _Cap a pee_; I grew weary of this City, and so left it, and my Landlord to his better Fortune.

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The next place I set up my Standard, was in _Salisbury_; my generous deportment and gallant habiliments adapted me for the best of company, and the relation of my Travails, not as a _Tarpawlin_, but a wealthy young Heir, did infinitely please them: So that if I were in a Coffee-house at any time, though I entred in singly, I should have it filled with variety of Guests to hear those _admiranda_ wonderful things that I had observed abroad: I was the Mouth of the house, and what I reported was received as an Oracle, I made two Fellows one time confidently believe, that _Pindennis_ Castle, if well mann’d and rigg’d, would make a brave Man of War of the First Rate, and that _Pen-men maure in Wales_, and _Hoath_ in _Ireland_ were nere met in consultation how to prevent the turbulency of their Northern neighbourhood from incroaching on their Trade of _Herring-Fishing_.

CHAP. XV.

_At_ Salisbury _he comes acquainted with a young man, who relates to him the_ Breviate _of his life, and instructs him in the most usual Games at Dice, with all the subtle deceivers that belong to them, and the dangers that attend them, with a short account of their Practitioners._

My Reputation in this City increased daily, so that I was now at liberty to pick and choose my company, I mean from the middle sort of people, which I knew how to delude, whereas I was not so ignorant, but that men of better breeding and learning would by my discolouring, Sea-faring hands, and illiterate tongue find out the imposture of my crafty pretences. I had a sufficient stock of confidence to manage those natural parts which some (flatteringly I doubt) highly commended. The younger sort of People were the Persons I selected to associate my self withal, and had in that little time gain’d so large an interest in them, that he offered me too little, I should have thought, that would think to buy my propriety therein for an hundred a year. Hunting and Hawking were my dayly Recreations; when we returned home, Drinking and Whoring were our nightly exercises; and because I was a stranger as I had the preheminence in most things, so I always paid the least share of any in the reckoning.

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There was one strange Gentleman who usually accompanied us, whom I particularly observed to have more than common qualifications; quick-witted, well spoken, sung incomparably, but had the repute of a notorious Gamester; and well he might, for he had bit both City and Countrey of considerable sums, so that now being generally known for a Rook, none durst play with him, yet fancied his company very much. This Gentleman I singled out, and discourst him throughly as to every thing: And that I might engage him to a greater freedom, I forged several lies, charging him with secrecy; this seeming unbosoming my self obliged him to give me an account of what he was, and for what reasons he came there in this manner.

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_Sir,_ said he, _I was formerly an Apprentice in_ London, _and by reason of my Masters covetous and ill nature and severity from him, I had not served him two years e’re I was upon the ramble, (a term of Art frequently used amongst us;) my Parents with some charge and much intreaty sawdred up this first crack; but this sore was not so well cured, but by reason of the inward corruption it broke out again, and now was the Malady worse than ever, for my Master would not receive me on any terms, notwithstanding the various perswasions of my friends for that purpose. My Relations seeing this, and being throughly perplex’t exercised all their passions on me, and instead of reducing me, took a course to ruine and destroy me: for they seemingly cast me out of all favour, which I judged to be real, and having no other dependance than my Wits (my poverty having frighted all my former friends from coming near me,) I resolved for a sustenance to make what use I could of them._

_As long as my money lasted, I frequented all places for Gaming exercises, and now and then some Bawdy-houses, in which I had goten a large acquaintance; but having spent all I had, I could get no credit among them, only in one house, where they had so much credulity to believe my Lies to be infallible Truths, and that I should receive in a little time those several Sums were due to me abroad, and would have the honesty to pay my large account. Money not coming as they expected, laid an Action on my back, and threw me into Goal, where I suffered more than tongue can utter; but I shall not disclose the name of this Gaoler, since I shall give you an account of some lines I wrote on him whilst I was his Prisoner, which were these_;

_This Gaoler sure the Devil gave him birth, For no such Fury hath his seat on Earth: A Cannibal which eats the Flesh of Men, And being gorged, spews than up again. A Monster that the old World never knew, Of late produc’d by a litigious crew, Spawn of a Syren and Leviathan: Part Fish, part Fowl, part Devil, and part Man. He Swallows down the poor, as Crows do Frogs, And makes no more of Men, than Men of Dogs. The Pris’ner ends his days in toil and sweat, To fill the Cabbins of his Cabbinet. This Cash being ravisht from his reaking brow, Will be all spent the Devil knows not how. His Celler’s Hell, he lives by other’s sin, And cares not who doth loose so he may win. His Beds are dearer than a Bawdy-house, There you may have a Whore, but here a Louse. This is that Hell-hound for to sum up all, Who is both Monster, Devil, and Canniball._

_In this stinking place I stayed so long till I was almost starved, yet though I had nothing to feed on, I had daily a thousand which fed on me. The Daughter of my merciless Creditor hearing the miserableness of my condition gave me a visit, and supplyed me with some Money for the present, and repeating her visits, pity did at last turn into affection; this Love soon seeded into Matrimony; for she was her Mothers Darling, and could perswade her to anything, and so it proved, for she so prevailed, that I was discharged of my Debt, Fees paid, new Cloaths bought, and we incontinently marryed. I knew her to be a Whore, but necessity forced me to do what I did, or I must have perisht._

_My Wife on the Bridal night expected no new thing from me, but a new fashioned duty; for she told me, if I expected to command, I was grosly mistaken; that she raised me not out of that Tomb I must have lain buryed in to my lives end, for that purpose, she knew how to rule her own affairs without my assistance, however she could not but acknowledge that man was a necessary implement in a Family, if it were but to cloak his Wives imperfections; To be short, Sir, I was only a Titular master, but a real Pimp and Cuckold; I bore all with a world of patience, still waiting an opportunity to get what I could, and march off: which fell out as happily as I could wish; for the House was noted to be a place of debauchery, and whilst my mother in Law was condemned for a damn’d Bawd, and my Wife for an errant piece of impudence, I was pityed by all as one drawn in and undone by them both._

_Officers in fine seised them; and carried them to_ Bridewel, _being both safe from interrupting my fixed resolution, I ransackt the house, taking what Moneys I found, and selling what would yield me any, I betook my self to this place, the remoteness whereof from my former habitation affording me a very convenient refuge. Whilst I have been in these parts I have not expended my time idly; for in Gaol and elsewhere I have learned most knacks in playing I have ever heard of, and have practiced them in many places very advantagiously, for I was a while of a Gang that stroled all the Countrey over, to all the great Fairs in_ England, _resorting thither as constantly, as such Tradesmen who make it their business to observe them, exercising their cheating faculties on all they can pick up fit for their company: the reason why they go three or four in Company, is, that if any contest in playing should arise, or any opposition should be made, they may be the better able to defend their Roguery. Besides, if they should miss of a prize, and be smoakt as Gamesters, they are then strong enough for mischiefs of another nature, as_ Padding, Ken-milling, _&c. and indeed let me tell you, there is no profest Villain which hath not a very great insight in Gaming, and know not only what advantages naturally accrue from every Game, but know how to make them when occasion shall require._

_Since my coming hither I have very illy managed my successes; for I have won too many times without the interposition of one single loss of my own, which hath raised in my Gamesters a suspition of me not to be taken off; by which means I have lost all future hopes of bubbling them any more; But since, Sir, you stand fair in their good opinion, if you please to let me share with you, I shall inform you not only with my Art, but also furnish you with Tools which shall effect our design and increase our store. But before I shall encourage you to learn that which I now propound for your profit, give me leave to acquaint you with the inconveniencies, dangers, and perplexities which attend Gaming, lest hereafter you condemn me for your rash learning that which you would have trampled under your feet, had you known the many dangerous concomitants which continually wait thereon._

_To speak generally, Gaming is an enchanting Witchery begot betwixt a couple of Devils, Idleness and Avarice: it so infatuates man, that it renders him incapable of prosecuting his more serious affairs, and makes him to quarrel with his condition though ever so good: if he wins, the success so elevates him, that his mad joys carry him to the height of all excesses; if he loses, his misfortune plunges him to the bottom of Despair. Oh how I have seen a man cast up his eyes, as if he intended to call Heaven to account for its injustice, in not giving him that Cast he so much desires. Nay, I heard one of no small note in an ordinary publickly invoke the Devil, (upon his throwing at all, that is, all the men lies on the Table) that he would turn up Five, which was his Chance, and he should have his Soul for the next throw, an expression enough to make the hair of the vilest reprobate to stand on end._

_It was said of one, that_ nec bonam, nec malam fortunam ferre potest, _that both in good and bad fortune he was ever restles._ Marcellus _could neither be quiet as Conquerour, nor overcome. Thus such is the damn’d itch of Play, Gamesters are never satisfyed winning or loosing, if they win, they hope to increase their store, if they loose their Money they hope to recover it again._

_The question was wittily propounded by one, whether Men in a Ship at Sea were to be accounted_ inter mortuos, vel vivos, _among the living, or the dead, because there were but few Inches between them and drowning. The_ Quære _is not improper to be made of great Gamesters, though their Estates be never so considerable, whether they are to be esteemed_ Divites vel Pauperis, _poor or rich, since there are but a few Casts at Dice betwixt a person of Fortune, (in that circumstance) and a Begger._

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