Part 12

The night appointed being come, for the perfecting what they had propounded, the Gallant was ready punctually at his hour with three or four Porters, by the help of whom he quickly removed all the choice Goods or any that were worth Porterage to a place appointed. Having so done, he advised her to secure what Money and Plate there was in the House; this was done so silently, that the Servants of the House were not awakened by any noise they made; there was not so much Money and Plate but it was portable enough between them; having thus contributed to the robbing herself, away she trudges with her friend to another place, than where he had sent the Goods; and having provided an Horse before for that purpose, in the morning early away they rode to _Plimouth_, about thirty miles distant, where having lodg’d her, and promising to return speedily, takes a good quantity of Money with him, and was never by her heard of after.

Her Husband coming home, and finding all things in this condition, was about to hang himself, (and so he might, for few loved him so well as to hinder him from it, especially now seeing there was no more good to be done with him) but comforting himself, that his House was still left standing, he grieved very little; for he was so little acquainted hitherto with grief, that he knew not what it was. He had not rested in it above one night, but he sold it, and what Goods remain’d, and it was not two hours after before he was arrested, and so forced to part with above three parts of what the Sale had brought him in, to discharge the Debts he owed in that City. It was not long after that all was gone, and in that juncture of time, his Wife returned with hardly a rag to cover that nakedness, she had so often lasciviously exposed to view. What became of her afterwards, I know not; but he to shun the daily flouts and insupportable slightings of his Relations and _Quondam_ Friends, footed it for _Barnstable_, and rather than through despair destroy himself at home, he would try his fortunes by labouring in another Countrey. The next Persons I am to treat of, are a Couple of

_Jilts_.

Fellows that must run through a many other faculties of an inferiour Class, before they can attain to the true knowledge of this profound Mystery; and having obtain’d this, they commence Master of Arts; which Arts are divided into that of High-Padding, Low-Padding, Cloy-Filing, Bung-Nipping, Prancers Prigging, Duds-Lifting, Rhum-Napping, Cove-Cuffing, Mort-Trapping, Stamp-Flashing, Ken-Milling, Jerk the Naskin, with many more of the quality.

Such were these two Jilts, who had they staid longer in _London_, instead of taking shipping here, they would have taken Shippen at _Newgate_, and Sailed up _Holbourn_, and passing by the dangerous Rocks of St. _Giles’s_ would irrecoverably have been cast away at _Tiburn_.

I did not find by their discourse any great matter of ingenuity, having not wit enough to practice any thing of their own designing; they were old seasoned Rogues; and were content to tread in the same old Paths their Predecessors had trod in before, without making any new discovery. And therefore I shall give you an account only, that not daring to stay longer in _London_, they were constrained to betake themselves to the Countrey. The week before the Sizes they came to _Excester_, setting up their Horses at an Inn, they presently (not to lose time) walkt to see the City, and under that pretence to try what advantages they could make therein, went into several Taverns, and where they could not get civily into company they thought they might bubble, they rudely intruded, and had like to have been soundly basted for their pains; they found that Gaming would not suit their purpose in that precise place; therefore the next day they resolved to experience what Jilting would do; and that they might carry on their design with the less suspition, they bespoke a Dish or two of Meat for Dinner in a Tavern, inviting the man of the House and his Wife to eat with them, they called freely for Wine, and drank pretty smartly; at length they were left alone, one of them steps up the stairs, and gets into the Vintners Lodging Room, where seeing a large Trunk, he attempts to open it with his Pick-lock, (which they have of all sorts and sises from a Street Door to a Cabinet) being too long a fumbling about his business, the Vintner came up to his Comrade the mean time, and asking where his Friend was; the other replyed he was gone up to the House of Office; _Nay, that cannot be_, replyed he, _for it is below in the Yard_ and thereupon (his heart mis-giving him) he ran up hastily the stairs, and looking back saw him that he left below at the stair-head ready to go down, and the other that was above coming out of his Chamber, not knowing how to seize them both, he cryed out, _stop the Thief that is coming down_, and in the mean time clos’d in with him that was above and struggling with him, he was forc’d to quit an Hundred Pound-Bagg, that the Jilt had got under his Arm, which made the Vintner then more eager to secure him: in short, they were both secured and carried before a Justice; there needed no other evidence to convict them, than a great bunch of those Pick-locks found about them. Upon this they were committed, and that very Sizes (having miraculously before escaped buzzing in the fist) both sentenced to be Transported.

Now give me leave to give you an account (if it be possible) of one that is every thing, yet nothing. By his Garb, both a Gentleman, and a Soldier too, and such an one is this

_Pretended (poor) Captain_.

His Ancestors by the Fathers side in a continued Line to him, have been well known to be remarkable Beggars some Centuries; I know not, but that they may draw their Original from King _Fergus_, or some other great _Irish Prince_; for to this day the meaner sort of the Natives of _Ireland_ had rather see their Children beg, than be mechanically imployed, by following some honest Trade, or Occupation. And that is the reason that so many serving-men, swarm from the middle and meaner sort of them, learning to cringe when they are young, that they may beg, with the better grace when they are old. His Grand-Father by an unhappy, or happy accident, when he was a Child, fell into the Fire, and so scorcht his face, that had you seen it, you would sworn it had been a young scorcht Devils-head half roasted; I say by that advantage, (which others would call a disadvantage) when he came to be of years, removing where he was not known, he gained daily by begging considerably, pretending that disaster came by powder, as he was couragiously fighting in the famous Battel of _Lepanto_; and which to confirm the belief, he had lost a Leg by a confounded Ulcer, which he pretended he lost by a Cannon shot, at the same time. By which means he had got sufficiently to have maintained his Son not in idle courses, if he had had the Grace to have rightly used it; but he coming of Age, spent that in a Month, which his Father had got in twenty scorching Summers, and as many cold benumming Winters, scorning to degenerate from the Ancient practice of his Predecessors; and like a Crafts-master, purchased a Seamans old suit of Apparel, with his Red Cap, and had so rolled himself in Pitch, that he might have served a whole City for a general Antidote in a Contagion. He begg’d up and down the Countrey, (pretending to go home,) under the notion of being cast away, and had lost all; and therefore desired the Charity of well minded People, that it might be a means to carry him to his friends and acquaintance. He had learn’d Sea-termes of Art, and applyed them very well in all his wonderful relations. Coming to his Quarters at night, after two or three deep fetcht sighs, he would in general complain of his hard fortune, giving some small hints of what considerable sums he lost this last Ship-wrack; then as if he corrected himself for so doing in the discovery of his misery, he would say, _well, it is but a madness and a great folly to grumble at the hand of Providence. We must submit to Dispensations._ These sad Notes coming from his Religious Organ-pipe, sounded so lowdly in the ears of his Landlady, that she tuned them so among the Neighbourhood, that the room wherein he was, fill’d presently.

He had an excellent faculty in telling a doleful story, and would Limn the horrour of Ship-wrack so to the Life, that the womens eyes about him dropt as fast as Water out of a Cullender; after this fell a showre of two pences, single pence, half pence, _&c._ By this subtlety he never wanted Mony, Victuals, strong Drink, nor good Lodging. And by the help of a good Memory as I am informed he travailed in and about _England_, begging in this manner, nine years, and never came in to a Town twice.

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Our poor Captain the Son of this maunding Seaman, (that never saw the Ocean, and therefore could hardly be otherwise Ship-wract, than against a Whipping-post, or the Gallows) had another Spirit, whose Soul had neither communication with, nor relation to the meanness of his Fathers; for from his Childhood he begg’d as the Orphan of a wealthy Merchant, whose Estate was embezel’d by the avarice of his Guardian, and since lavishly spent by the profuse prodigality of his Son, since dead. That now having neither Parents nor Friends left living, he was exposed to this miserable way of craving the benevolence of the charitable. He made a shift to live after this manner till he was fifteen years of Age; but the People noting him to be a lusty Lad, threatned if he would not work, to send him to _Bridewel_; that word so startled him, that he was absolutely frighted out of that begging humour. Hearing at that instant the Drums beat for Voluntiers in some forreign expedition, he listed himself, and instead of Advance Mony, had Shoos, Stockins, Hat, and Coat, Sword and Belt, with what else was requisite for a Soldier. And now he shewed clearly what blood he had in him, and that his Mother had the greatest share in his Generation. For when she was in her Ale, (as she often would be) she never gloried nor boasted of any thing more, then that her Husband was a Soldier at _Tilbury_ Camp, and that losing his Thumb by firing his own Musquet, her Majesty gave him a Pension of a maimed Soldier, that if he begg’d after-wards, it was no disgrace, being so miserably disenabled from working.

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This Sprightly young Soldier, being thus accoutred beyond his own or any bodies expectation else, ramm’d in the Stones of the Street by his strutting to some purpose, leaving not any place of the City unvisited, that he might shew his Gallantry, especially such places he before had begg’d in. You could not have affronted him worse, than to call him by what name his Mother gave him, (for I question, whether he was christian’d) and would be as ready to draw to vindicate his Honour. But the Wind serving fair, and all things ready, setting sail, they arrived in safety at their Port. What service he did in that expedition, I could not gather from him, (undoubtedly it was his modesty that hindred him, rather desiring to have some other Mouth to proclaim his worth than his own) but this he confest, that his often hiding himself when any Party was commanded to march out of the Garrison, occasioned his Officers to tie him so often Neck and Heels, that he thought he should go double as long as he lived, and that his Breech was grown stupidly sensless by often riding the wooden Horse. However, he was constrained to tarry here six years; but at length he grew so tired with watching once in four dayes, and so scar’d with the dangers the frequent Alarms acquainted his ears with, once in six weeks at least, that he resolved rather to venture a hanging by his own fellow Soldiers, than run the hazard of being shot by his enemies; and so watching his opportunity, got into a Vessel bound for _England_, and came away, not affording those he left behind, so much as a farewel; but being far enough off the Shore, cryed out aloud, _Harm watch, Harm catch_. Landing at _Plimouth_, he bought him an ordinary red Scarf, and made it into a Sling to carry his hand in, which had as many Plaisters on it, as are used in an Hospital a week, sowing it to his Shoulder, and tying a large bow knot on it; with a Sword by his side, and a laced Hat, that he had purchased at second hand, he walk’d the Streets, and had the impudence to address himself to the Governour of the Town, in this, or the like manner.

_Although I have not the Honour to be acquainted with you, Great Sir, in whose Person dwells (as I hear) all the Virtue and Valour of slain_ English Heroes, _by a Transmigration; yet I am not unknown to the_ African _part of the Macrocosme, where my single Sword hath eaten its way through thousands, and hath afterwards drank it self into a surfeit, with the blood of those Hell-dyed Infidels. My forward valour soon rewarded my unknown Worth, and for no other reason, than I thought fit to command the Destinies, having so great a power over Life and Death, I was made a Captain. At first, the great care I had to preserve my own, made me expose my self as their Target, to guard them from their enemies Arrows, so that in one Battel, (wherein there was threescore thousand men of the adverse party, there was but three hundred of them escap’d with life to inform their friends of their Countreys loss,) I say, in that barbarous conflict I return’d home, as thick stuck with Arrows, as a porcupine with Quills; afterwards my Name served to fright the Rogues, without fighting a stroak. But the long absence from my own Countrey, possest me with so great a desire of seeing that blessed Soil, that gave me breath, I resolved to acquit my Command, and happy in this opportunity of tendring my Person and Services at the feet of a Soul so magnanimous as your self._

Having finished his Formal bumbastical hyperbolical Speech, the Governor was at a stand, what to do with this mighty _Garagantua_, having almost disenabled his tongue from speaking, by biting it e’ne through, to contein himself from laughing out right; but considering with himself, promised him at last, that he would Muster him in his own Company for the present, till he could find out something more suitable to his worth and quality, and for the present gave him some Money, which our Captain, getting drunk with all that night in the Company of some Officers into which he had intruded himself, and taking the liberty of undervaluing some of them in his prodigious cracking, was soundly kick’t for all his lame hand. But such was the Fortune of War, that our Captain had not trailed a Pike above a Month, before he stole a Chamber-Pot, two Quart-pots, Flaggons, with some other Pewter, and sold them at another Ale-house in the Town; with the Money he got drunk, and coming home to his Quarters, his Landlady taxing him with the Theft, made no more ado, but first abusing him in all the most opprobrius terms that a Whore could invent, that had served three seven years Apprentiships to a _Billingsgate_ Fish-woman, he then manfully beat her, and in that manner, that she was forc’d to cry out Murder. Neighbours coming in, seiz’d my valiant Captain, and in that pickle he was in, carried him before the Governour, who on seeing him in that drunken condition, sent him to the Mainguard, where he lay all that night as round as a Ball. The next Morning he was tryed by a Council of War, and finding him a Counterfeit, and that he was nothing but a commixt piece of Debauchery and Villany, condemned him to run the Gauntlet, which he did on the _Hoe_ of _Plimouth_, through his own Company, and another drawn up thither for that purpose; and afterward at the old Town-gate, had his Sword broken over his head, and so cashier’d.

This usuage was enough to make any one hate to be a Soldier as it did him, for he resolv’d to settle to his Trade, yet he liked very well the name of Captain, and getting far enough off from his disgracing place; he so shaped his design, that he questioned not but that this Title would be very advantagious: and to make a tryal how it would prove, he applyed himself to a Gentlemans house, (at that time when Loyalty to our Lawful Prince was accounted Treason against the Common-wealth) and understanding by inquiry the name of the Person, and that he was a strong Cavilier, (as they then call’d them) and a great lover of all such, and knock’d at the door, and ask’d to speak with the master of the House, naming him, he being informed therewith readily came, and my Captain was as ready himself thus, in a low voice, to address

_Sir, Report renders you a lover of your King, and such as have suffered for his Sacred Majesties sake. My Father was a Colonel, and his Loyalty he could not better express than by dying in his Majesties Service at_ Edge-hill; _to revenge my Fathers death, and shew that I had the same blood running in my Veins, I have not only ventured my Youth upon any hazard, the boldest Cavalier ever yet attempted, but since, I have had my Estate sequestred too, and dare not own my name._

This Forgery took so good effect, that it produced him forty shillings, with directions to go to another Gentleman of the like Principles, about ten miles distance; where addressing himself in the same or like terms, the pretence took effect there too. Now did he buy himself a Sword, and getting a white Cap on his Head, pretended himself sick too, as well as maimed; by which means he pickt up a great deal of money; the Rogue was grown so Covetous, and was resolved not to lose his labour where ever he came; if he had not any money given him, he would infallibly steal something in lieu thereof. Coming at length to the house of a person of Quality, he addrest himself there as he had done else-where, the Knight after he had given him money, commanded some of his Servants to carry him into the Buttery; they knowing by the respects their Master shewed him, he must be a Royalist, drank a Health to the King, and by degrees to each of the Royal Progeny, not leaving out some of the Nobility, that had been most eminently serviceable to the King, and by that time there was none (not exempting the Butler) but had his dose; my Captain taking the advantage of their disordered senses, was not contented with a Bowl, but pickt up a silver Salt too, which one more sober than the rest observing, let him go out of the Gate before he apprehended him; and seeing that he was resolved to march off with them, seized him, and drew him back again into the Court-yard, where demanding from him what he had stoln, the Captain denyed the Fact, with many bitter imprecations, which gathered the Servants about him, who searching him found the theft, who if their Master had not interposed, they would have knockt this Imposter in the head. He knew that the Law would punish him sufficiently, and being a Justice of Peace, caused his Clerk to write his _Mittimus_, and so was sent to _Exeter_-Gaol, where he continued till Sizes, and then received the same Sentence, that had past upon the Jilts before.

Now since I have described one counterfeit that abused and robb’d the Countrey, under the pretence of Loyalty; give me leave to Characterize another counterfeit (the worst of the two) who under the Cloak of Religion hid his debaucheries, whilst he deceived and deluded the ignorant, especially the Female Sex, with his lowd, long, and impertinent Praying, and false Doctrine, and that was the

_Counterfeit Libertine Minister_.

It is no wonder that he lived (as we do still) in a staggering age, for the fall of _Adam_, broke the bones of his Children, and crippled his posterity, so that we are both blind in our Judgments, and lame in our Practises. At first he was made perfect, which was intimated by being brought into the world naked, to signifie that the great Former of all things was not ashamed of his Workmanship; but when the Devil sent erroneous Tenents, attended with damned Practices into the world, he advised the Brochers and Professors thereof to cover their deformity, with the Mouth of tenderness of Conscience; but were their skins are as tough as their Consciences, and their Flesh as hard as their Hearts, they would be both Ax and Halter-proof; they might laugh at the Block, and defie the Gallows.

This religious _Proteus_, this _Heteroclite_ in Divinity, (for he was deficient in what he ought to do, or believe, and redundant in what he ought not,) when he first appeared in a Tub, or a thing like a Pulpit, he was, (as he acknowledged) like _Æsop’s_ Jay, in a dress of borrowed Feathers, preaching the Works of other men, which must needs be the worse for coming out of his defiled Mouth, as a Shirt worn by a polluted Body. He mangled the modern Divines more barbarously, than an Executioner a Traytors Body; not forbearing to give old _Priscian_ a knock on the bald Crown. The height of his Eloquence consisted in railing against Popery, calling Episcopacy the Sister of the Whore of _Babylon_, running on in his Preachment like a mad-Dog, foaming and open-mouth’d, yelping at the Honourable Clergy in general, and biting his Brethren the Sectaries, whom he would have his Auditory believe are as mad as himself; but having run himself out of Breath, what a humming, and a spitting there was, and by the blowing his Nose, made many a filthy Parenthesis; having concluded his Sermon, he Prayed, shutting his eyes, and would rather utter non-sence, and tautologis, than use any studied Form. All being finished, he steals out demurely out of the Meeting-house with his Sword by his side (a Captain and an Independent) and though he neither obeyed Christs Commission, or wore his Livery, yet would be accounted one of his Menial Servants. Being got out, one would thank him for the great pains he took; another invited him to Dinner; a third, a fourth, fifth, letting them all alone till the tenth made his proffer: at last, where he thought he should have the best entertainment, there he would express the acceptance of the proffer. He could not go amiss for his Supper; and to retaliate their kindness, before the Cloth was laid, he would bestow on them a sleeping Prayer of an hour and half, most commonly proportioning the time to that of Supper-dressing. Certainly his design therein was like the Scribes and Pharisees, who had never been condemned for long Prayers, had they not been used as so many Graces before their cursed Meals of Orphans Estates, and Widows Houses. He endeavoured to make his interest good among the Females, knowing how prevalently powerful they are commonly over their Husbands Inclinations, which he practised with so much craft and cunning; first possessing them strongly with a good esteem of his Holy Life and Conversation, that they verily believed one word of his would either Saint them or Reprobate them, when he pleased; which he perceiving, resolved to play the Gypsy with them, telling good fortunes to none, but such as crost his hand with a piece of Silver; that is to say, in private Meetings and Conferences, having occasion to speak of such, and such, it lay in his power then to say that such a one to his knowledge is a precious Saint, a constant hearer of the word, having an excellent gift in Prayer, or such a one is lately fallen, she is started aside into the by-paths of Sin and Iniquity, _&c._ So that you see by Him, as well as by the Pope, the People might be canoniz’d for Money.