Part 11

_As I laid hold on all opportunities to fill my belly, so some I studied;_ as for Example, _twice or thrice a week we had a baked pudding; I bought me a little dish about the bigness of a Porringer, and out of the Pan I would fill it, a fruitful Pudding to have always a young one at the side on’t. The Dow which I commonly carried to the Bake-house, never went home so much in the Loaf, for I seldom failed to have a Cake out of it; both which I practised so long till my Aunt found me out, and soundly bang’d me for so doing. For these, and such like faults I was so often and so unmercifully beaten, that I was resolved to be reveng’d on her. One day she being invited abroad, I was resolved to be even with her at home in this manner, One pair of stairs she had a stately Dining-room, wherein there was a Cup-board on which (being spread with a very fine cloath) stood variety of all manner of curious Glasses, such as she valued above her Plate, and took great delight in them, being prouder of shewing those to her guests, than some are in appearing in a fine new Gown to their Sweet-hearts. These I was resolved should fall down to my revenge, and be crusht a pieces by the weight of my indignation and fury; but before I would begin to act this doleful Tragedy, I went, and made all things ready; that is to say, I took a large Spannel that we had, and leading him to the Street dore, I ran out into the middle of the Street, calling him after me; he followed me, and I led him a dance so long, till he had dirtied himself sufficiently, then going in adoors, I stole up softly the back-stairs, and the Dog following me into the Dining-room; then did I take his feet, and make them imprint the form thereof on the Cloth; having so done I pull’d the cloth, and down came the Glasses to the Floor, and by the fall not one of them escaped; this being done, I got into the next Room, and crept underneath the Bed; the fall of the Glasses soon came to the Ears of those that were below, who coming up, found none in the Room, but the Dog, and seeing the print of his claws in the Cloth, ne’re examined the matter farther, but to work they went with him, who wanting words to justifie his innocence, escaped the punishment by flight; whilst they pursued him, I stept down the stairs, without being known to have a hand in the Plot, how my Aunt resented this sad accident, I will give those leave to judge, that ever had the like loss._

_But this story I am about to tell you, succeeded not so well as the former; for it fell to my own scurvy Lot, to be punished with that which might have proved a piece of Revenge, though I intended no such matter, and which was worse, detected me as the author of the former. Our Maids being in the Fields, bleaching of Clothes, my Aunt commanded me to frie some Tripes for her Dinner, which she had brought in from Market; I laying them caresly upon the Dresser, whilst I was cleaning the Frying-pan, our aforesaid Dog swallowed up one half of them at one mouthful, without chewing them, and had near dispatcht the other half, before I could come to the rescue of my Aunts Dinner; I hastily threw down the Pan, which caused my Aunt to come running in, to see what was the matter; she seeing me busily and eagerly imployed about the Dog, stept back in a place covered from my sight, where she might both hear and see. I basted him so long, holding him fast, that he disgorged one parcel of the Tripes, which I taking up laid them on the Dresser_; come, _said I, basting him the while_, this is not all you Thief; I must have more yet; _the Dog, as if he had understood me, discharged himself of the Theft, and I verily believe, did not detain one single mouthful behind: so much for his honesty_. So, so, _said I_, ’tis well, get you gone you Rogue, as long as you did as I did bid you, break my Aunts cup-board of Glasses, I made much of you, but when you turn thief, and steal, you must be beaten into better manners.

_My Aunt all this while was exercising her patience even to a miracle, and would not speak a word, because she would see what I intended farther. Hereupon I took my Tripes, and giving them a rench or two in a pail of water, I dryed them, flowred them, and into the Pan they went, and fell a frying them, with as much confidence as if they had had no mischance befaln them. Being fryed with my sawce, and all other things ready, I was going in haste to call my Aunt to Dinner, as she met me, and seeming to take no notice, seats her self at the Table, and turning one piece then another, then a third, she takes the Dish, and twirls it round, saying_, they were not fryed to her mind, and that I did this on purpose, that I might have them all my self, and so you shall, _said she_ and that I may be sure you do not slight good victuals (being too much Corn-fed) I will give you leave to sit down by me for once.

_I knew not what to say, which way to look, nor what to think, but perceived by my Aunts eyes, which were all of a flame, that she had discovered something that had highly offended her; I would have spoken something but she interrupted me, saying familiarly, leave off talking and eat your meat: I being somewhat backward, and she taking notice thereof_; how now Mrs. Minks, (_said she_) is not that good enough for you, which is too good for me? Huzif, I will have none of your Dogs-leavings, and since you would not let him eat it, you shall eat it for him your self; and then I shall talk a little further with you; _Seeing there was no help, I did eate of the Tripe, at every other bit, much good may do you, quoth she, eat heartily, and spare not. I chewed it like him that was gnawing a piece of his own Boots; but down it must go. When she thought I had eaten enough for that time, she fell upon me in that manner, that I had much ado to keep that I had within me, which I was resolved to do, lest she should make me fry it again to my Supper._

_Having tired her self with beating me, she told me that this was not for the breaking of her Glasses, she had another of another nature for that, since she knew it was not a Dog, but a Bitch-Fox, that had done her all that mischief. Whereupon she drove me up stairs before her, and lockt me into a Room, till she had breath to talk further with me._

_I was ready to die with fear to think what she intended to do with me; at nights approach she came to me with one of her Maids, and having lockt the dore to them, they unstript me, and naked as ever I was born, they tyed my hands to the Bed-post, and lasht me with Whipcord, till she had made me all over of a gore blood. Her Son hearing by the Maid how cruelly I was delt withal, adding further, that he wondred how his Mother could be so hard hearted, as to tear my skin. Natural affection enforced him to pity me, and that pity began to increase that affection, which he hath had more than these two years for me; so that, as he confest to me afterwards there was no greater trouble to him, then that he could not condole with me in my affliction. Having been confined two or three days to my Chamber, my Aunt was persuaded to make further tryal of me, and if I proved not then answerable to her expectation, she would for ever discard me. Upon these terms I was released, and found my Couzen overjoyed that I was enlarged. He was somewhat younger than my self, about fifteen years old, of an inclination very prone to love what was youthful or beautiful; and finding me very flexible to entertain his amorous propositions, followed me so close, that he obtained what he desired._

‘Thus we continued some time together, and knowing how covetous his Mother was, and not allowing him hardly any thing to spend, I studyed how I might assist him in his expence abroad: I was one day in the Shop, and looking into the Counter for something, I found a board at the end of the Till, loose, which taking up, I could easily put in my hand, and take out what Money I pleased; having now taken out the Board, I knew not what to do; for I fastned it but very slenderly, neither could I do otherwise, having no time to do what I would. Wherefore in the morning early, before my Aunt was up, I got into the Shop, and with a small Perser I boared a couple of holes quite through the end, and two sides of the Box, and so with Wire I fastned it, to my hearts content, but not so but I could loosen it again at my pleasure. My heart leapt to think, how this project taking effect, neither I, nor my friend could want Money at any time. Could I have concealed this to my self I would have done it, and so supplyed (as I thought convenient) my Couzen with Money, the more to engage his affection to me. But I was forc’t to tell him thereof, (whom I knew as forward in any sort of wickedness as any body) because he was continually in the Shop. Having given him an account of my projection, I thought he would have been transported with joy, and was restless, till he had made an experiment; which having done, and finding my contrivance, an inexhaustible Mine to him, I thought he did intend to lock me in his arms everlastingly. Now did our freedom daily increase, and nothing obstructed them but want of liberty to enjoy them. But, as what is violent, is seldom permanent; so must our delights have an end, and so much the sooner, by how much they exceed in measure. Being not satisfied with stealing a kiss, or so forth in the day time, We pitcht upon a Night, when he should run the hazard of coming into his Mothers Chamber where I lay in a Trundle-bed under her; and be with me all night: He watcht his opportunity, staying up late, and I in pursuance of the design, had left the chamber door open, and so our desires were accomplisht. But now (a mischief on’t) we were so shackled in the fetters of a lasting sleep, that notwithstanding my Aunt bawl’d to me I know not how many times, it being late in the morning to rise and look after her business, yet I made no answer; at last started out of the Bed, and stepping to mine, to see if I were not dead, found her Son inclosed in my Arms both fast asleep. But she awakened us so hastily out of our sleeps, that we lookt like a couple of Bedlamites, and so confounded with shame, that we had not a word to say. To be short, she first resolv’d to turn me out of doors, not caring whether I went with or without Cloaths; but then considering she should disparage her Son, by shaming of me; concluded to send for the Master of the Vessel we now are in, and after some discourse I was commanded to go with him, glad I was to go any where to be out of her reach; her Son, hearing of my sad sentence, would have followed me, but was interrupted; however yesterday, attempting by the way I had found out to supply me with Money, he was catcht in the act by his Mother, and sent immediately to Prison, where I understand he is like to lie till we set Sail.’

I was so attentive in the hearing what she related befell her, that I did eat her words as they fell from her. To retaliate her kindness, I gave an account of what I had lately run through, at least wise, as much as I thought convenient; and by this time the Seamen began to take notice of our private conference, and by our familiarity they had seen, gave their judgments openly, that they thought there would be a _Westminster_ wedding between us, before we should arrive at our intended Port. Hereupon we broke up School, and descended straight between Decks, there we found our Comerades tongues all imployed like a _Dover_-Court; I for my part was resolved to be silent, that I might the better gather from them what they were, and what lewd things they had acted upon the Stage of this world.

But how often did I be-Ass my Rogueship, calling my self ten thousand Fools for having so good an opinion of my Rogueries, (thinking them no other than the very quintessence of wit) when I heard them discourse of what they had done, which they all did with more freedom, than a dying man would confess his Sins to his Ghostly Father. And so they might very well do; for being past all shame (_perit cui pudor periit_) and the Law having past sentence on them, they could not suffer again for the same, without a recommission.

The Wind coming about fair, and we all ready, command was given to weigh the Ankor; just as it was a Peek, and our Fore-top-sail loose, and seeing then that there was no help but that I must go, I fully purposed to have leapt overboard (so attractive is our native Soil) had not the consideration of my Estate aboard, with that of my Mis, which I must leave behind, pulled me back.

Whilst I was thus ruminating with myself, we had spread all our Canvas, the wind blowing fresh, we spoon’d away before it like an arrow out of a bow. Coming into the Ocean, I found my self possest with a new Spirit, and if there was ever any such thing as transmigration of Souls, certainly it was at that time, some new drown’d Sea-mans Soul hovering on the Deep, took up its habitation in my body, entring in at my mouth as I gap’d for breath, which the swiftness of the Ships sailing, and tossing of the Waves together, had almost totally deprived me of. I was so nimble and so active, that if I saw any halling Sheets aft, or hoising of Sail, would be sure to be with him; which our Master taking special notice of, encouraged me therein, so far that venturing first into the tops, I afterwards upon it grew so bold, that when occasion required, I often helpt to furl a Sail, but being not my Crafts-Master, being more bold than skilful, one day I was in the Main-top, and getting astride the Yard-arm, (to make my self the better acquainted with it) I dropt off into the Sea, and had we not been becalmed, I had been drowned irrecoverably. Throwing me out a Rope, I got aboard, no more concerned with the danger I escaped from, than if I had been that while asleep in a Cabbin. My Master lookt on this accident as a certain Omen of my being a Sea-man, and thereupon made me his Cabbin-boy promising me when I had served him a time according to custom, he would advance me according to my deligence and fidelity, as for my ingenuity he questioned not.

We had not been above a Month at Sea, but by imploying all the leasure time I had among my Comrades, I had gained so intimate acquaintance, and so perfect a knowledge of them, that I shall endeavour to give you a Character of them; there was nineteen of them in all, besides my Mistress, whose late Adventures I have given you an account of; and therefore shall pass her by and only tell you what the rest were, but first, what their Professions are.

CHAP. XI.

_An account and Character of such who went with me in our Voyage to a Plantation_, viz.

O_ne Broken Tradesman_, 2 _Jilts_, 1 _Pretended poor Captain._ 1 _Counterfeit Libertine Minister._ 1 _Soldier of Fortune._ 1 _New Exchange Girl_, 2 _Button-makers_. 1 _Orange-Wench._ 3 _Crackt Maid-servants._ 1 _Stockin-Mender._ 4 _Common Prostitutes._ One whereof was a large _Folio_, two of them in _Octavo_, and one in _decimo sexto_, all loose in Sheets, of the first Edition imprinted at _London_. I might otherwise name the first a Ship of the first Rate, an unwieldy bulky thing, which would require more men than a Kingdom can well spare to Man her, old and leaky too, and must be pumpt every hour to keep her above water. The other next two had been tight Friggots, and excellent Sailers; but length of time had so decayed their Hulks, that they were unfit for any thing but Fire ships; the last was a pretty Pinance, but damag’d much in her Rigging, and would serve for an excellent Pikeroon still, having been from her Cradle taught the Art of Land-Piracy. But to begin first with my

_Broken Tradesman._

His Father lived in _Excester_ in very good fashion, being one of the principal of the City; and though he had a very good Trade of his own, yet he thought it very incompleat to that of _London_, and thither must his Son be sent. A Confectioner for his Master was provided him; but he had not been with him ten weeks before the Confectioner found that he was half undone by this sweet tootht Gutling; nay he ingenuously confest to me that his Pockets were continually cram’d with all sorts of Sweat Meats, as Pomecitron, Orange and Lemmon Pill, Comfits of all sorts, or what ever Confections, as were dryed; and his reason was for so doing, lest being sent on an errand he should lose any time in the indulging his Palate: he did not so much as go to Bed unfurnisht, sleeping with some sweet thing or other in his Mouth, that he might dream of the rest. His Master concluding that he should be absolutely undone if he kept him much longer, sent for his Father, who coming up removed him from thence, and placed him with a Vintner, knowing experimentally that those that are sweet tootht, are seldom Drunkards. But the Gentleman could not make so much haste to go out of town, as his Son did to be drunk; in seven days that he was in this Tavern, he was but five hours perfectly sober. It was well he made so much haste to show his Inclination that he might not put his aged Father to the expence and trouble of another journey. His Father seeing he could devour trade so fast, and lest some such should swallow him up at last, resolved to put him to one he could not eat, (yet one, too many have worn Thread-bare) a Salesman; he seemed diligent enough till his Father was gone out of Town, and then wanting what the Indulgence of a Father continually bestowed upon him, he one morning early put on a very handsome Suit that fitted him, and taking along a very good _Bruxels_ Chamblet Cloak (which he sold) away he marcht into the Countrey, committing many _petit larcenies_ by the way, resolving (if it should fall to his chance) to die as near his friends as he could. At _Huntington_ he was apprehended for stealing a Silver Tumbler, but being known by some Relations he had in the Town, the business was husht up, and he sent home. His Father admired to see his Son return so soon after him, askt him the reason thereof, who craftily replyed, he could not live so far from his Parents. Though the old man was troubled that his Son should disappoint his expectations, yet he could not but shew himself a Dotard in acknowledging his Sons natural affection therein.

At last it was concluded on, that he should follow his Fathers Trade of Mercery, which my young man did, till his Fathers death, which was about two years after, but how faithfully, I must leave to those Parents to consider, who have brought their Children to shameful ends, and thereby have blemisht the spotless Reputation of their Ancient Families, by not endeavouring to hinder the excursions of such debaucheries, as proceed from their known vicious constitutions. His Father leaving him his House, Shop and Goods, he so apparel’d himself, and spent so largely, as in the excess neither had the conquest. These, and his Extravagant Courtship made him the whole Town-talk. He had not hours enough in eight days to visit his Mistresses in a whole week, although he should address himself to one every hour of the day. His Love was so general, that he would have enjoy’d them all, but the Law bounding his boundless desires to give himself that satisfaction, he is most prone unto, he was forc’d to elect one; it was strange he could not choose one honest Woman out of so many; for she matcht his Cock, she proving more inclinable to Venery, then he to any other Vice. As he reacht to the possession of all or none, so none at all could reach her full satisfaction.

The Marriage was but just consummated, and they hardly warm in each others embraces, when he turned his poor Mother out of doors, bidding her go live elsewhere upon her Thirds, for they would have no Overseers in their house, nor such who should continually disturb their quiet with the tedious Lectures of Crab-tree morality. The Candle is now lighted at both ends, if he spent liberally with friends abroad, she had those at home to spend with and upon; and that she might not come short of him; if she had heard he spent a Crown, she would double it in her expence. For one half year two Taylors had nothing else to do, but to make them new Garments; and when they and their Friends were together in a Tavern, all the Drawers in the house were little enough to tend them; so inconsiderately generous, that a Poetaster who could never arrive at the hight of a Ballad, presenting him with a hobbling non-sensical _Epithalamium_, he caused my ragged Rimer uncase immediately, and cloath’d him so, that he lookt rather like a gawdy Actor, than a Poet, bestowing over and above five pieces, then in his Drunkenness he might the more freely trumpet out his bounty. By these courses his Shop was altogether neglected, and few Commodities vended, but what his Wifes Paramours took upon an everlasting credit. Growing now weary of _Excester_, and such vulgar Countrey delights, (as he was pleased to call them) he furnisht his Pockets with store of Money (having converted a round sum of Silver into Gold), away he rode for _London_; where being come, he omitted not any time which he might imploy either in places of pleasure or pastime. And being tired here too with the variety of his delights; and finding withal not above twenty pieces left, he mounts his Horse with an intention homewards but by the way, having some business, (as a Wench to see or so) at _Malborough_ on the _Downs_, he was met with, and robb’d, and with a cut or two (for he resisted) he made a shift to get to the Town. He had behaved himself so loudly ill, that the report came thither, and those that would in his Fathers life time have trusted him with 500_l._ would not now trust him with so many farthings; so that he was forc’d to sell his Horse, and go home on foot.

His Wife in the mean time had not been idle in her expences, rioting in that shameful manner, that the whole Town cryed out shame on her: those deserved reproaches they daily threw upon her, made her resolve to lay hold on the opportunity of her Husbands absence and secure what she could to her own peculiar use, and quit the Town; to that intent she consulted with her chiefest favourite, (and by the way take notice there is no Whore so notoriously common, but she keeps one whom she loves above all others, that shall take the freedom to beat her, abuse her, strip her sometimes when his Pimp-ship is in the humour, and will infallibly spend what ’ere she gets if she intends to keep her Flesh and Bones from being under the Chirurgeons hands) I say consulting him, he advised by all means to take some speedy course for her self-preservation, it is an instinct infused into the natures of irrationals; and therefore certainly man cannot be without. He needed not use any arguments to perswade her to that she was already resolved to put in execution; and therefore she only desired him to know how she should secure the Goods in the Shop. _Let that alone to me_, said he, _I will take that charge upon me_; and that he might charm her into a consent, they talkt that in private, which the colour of their Faces publickly discovered.