Chapter 2
Desmond Really, there's quite a resemblance in our voices. The whole world used to mistake us.
Widow My husband had a very agreeable voice.
Desmond Let's talk business.
Widow The resemblances in families is remarkable. You've got your uncle's manners--even his brusqueness.
Desmond Following the advice I have given you--
Widow You have his gestures, his manner, his way of looking. I love most your way of looking--
Desmond Let's think about finishing.
Widow What still charms me in my husband is your softness, your wit, your entire person.
Desmond Madame, I've spoken to the Countess, and I think it's important that you pacify her--but you are not honoring me with your attention.
Widow With my attention! It's you who don't listen to me.
Desmond But really, it's wise to give in to her--
Widow You urge me to give away all my wealth?
Desmond Only a small part of it. Otherwise, you jeopardize--
Widow You don't know how much better it would be if I keep it. It would be better for you.
Desmond For me?
Widow For, in the future--you understand, sir. I could really, for you-- Right, Lucy--I can't explain any more, sir. You understand, don't you--
Desmond I--
Widow Because propriety prevents me from saying to you--
Lucy You've told him that already.
Widow I will say only, that having reflected on what the Countess didn't say, I fear that the husband she intends for Arabella is none other than yourself.
Desmond Me, Madame?
Lucy The gentleman would be wiser to go to the source of the wealth.
Widow I believe it, but from the fear that the Countess will give you, in spite of yourself, to Arabella, I have resolved not to give my money until the marriage contract is signed--and a husband other than yourself is the lucky man. And, I have a thousand other good reasons to communicate to you about this. But, I can't say a word now. Follow me, Lucy.
(Exit Widow.)
Desmond Lucy.
Lucy Sir, I have to go.
(Exit Lucy.)
Desmond What to do now?
(Enter Arabella.)
Arabella Tell me quickly--how did your conversation go with my aunt?
Desmond I think I've convinced her that she should let me arbitrate between her and the Countess.
Arabella That's funny.
Desmond She's disposed to agree to whatever I suggest, and--in a word--she's working for our marriage, without even knowing it.
Arabella Without knowing it. That makes me delighted.
Desmond Do you understand what our happiness is?
Arabella You will judge against her interest. Nothing could be funnier. It charms me totally.
Desmond You are pleased by the joke. The humor of it is what touches you. Your first sensation ought to be a passionate feeling of happiness.
Arabella Happiness touches me, too.
Desmond Too, too. You have a delightful choice of words--very revealing.
Arabella Oh, don't quibble with me. I am going to have a good laugh with the Countess.
Desmond What! Leave me without witnessing--
Arabella I will witness you wonderfully.
(Enter Lucy.)
Arabella Ah, Lucy, everything is going wonderfully. You see me in joy. But, in recompense, Desmond is angry. I believe he almost wishes that our marriage should be prevented, and that he will run into some obstacle.
Lucy Then he can rejoice, for the obstacle has come. Your uncle is returned, sir.
Desmond My uncle, ah Heaven, I am in despair.
Arabella All our schemes are ruined. Ah, Desmond, why do you love me so much? It always makes you so unhappy. Really, I feel worse than you--no hope--I am desolated.
Desmond Desolated, you say?
Arabella Desolated, desperate.
Desmond What? You suffer?
Arabella Oh, how unhappy I am.
Desmond Ah, what a joy for me! You have feelings. I am loved. I don't want anything else in the world. I want only your heart.
Lucy You won't have that either.
Desmond But Lucy, is it really true that my uncle is back? What, in the very moment I was convinced we'd be happy forever. Ah Heaven, is there a misery equal to mine?
(Enter Tuneless.)
Tuneless The steward is back. What a reversal. He took an express coach and returns just in time to desolate us. His wife's rage is going to rebound on us--for she already knows.
Lucy For me, I wish them both what they deserve. To the wife, a dead husband. To the husband, a dead wife. At least their desires will not be accomplished quickly.-- You will never be married.
Desmond Here's my uncle coming now.
Arabella What shall we say to him?
Lucy What role to play?
Tuneless I don't know at all.
(Enter Bramble.)
Bramble Listen, what's this all about? Vainly do I question everybody. Each one turns his back on me, without any response. Everyone in mourning. Nephew, why are you dressed in mourning?
Desmond (bowing and exiting) Sir--
Bramble Another fleeing mute. And you, Arabella, what have you to tell me?
Arabella (curtsying) Not a thing, sir.
(Exit Arabella.)
Bramble Again--hey, I beg you, Lucy, ease me of my uncertainty. Why the mourning?
Lucy For a costume party.
(Exit Lucy.)
Bramble And you, Tuneless--won't you explain to me what I already begin to suspect. If it were the Countess who was dead, then everybody would be in mourning--right? My dear Tuneless, hide nothing from me. You are my only confidant--
Tuneless Well, but-- (aside) What the devil am I going to say?
Bramble What ought I to think in seeing all this?
Tuneless In seeing all this black clothing, you ought to think they are dressed in black.
Bramble Hmm! I doubt--
Tuneless Tell me. What are you worried about? I will tell you if it is true.
Bramble It must be, but I don't believe it.
Tuneless Nor I, sir.
Bramble My heart tells me enough. (hands over his eyes) My wife is dead.
Tuneless (aside) This give me an idea. Let him believe it. He is in love with Arabella, that's good, too. (aloud) Yes, my word, sir. There's no keeping it from you. One divines immediately what one fears or wishes most. You've guessed it. Your wife is--dead.
Bramble I've observed that no one dared tell me the news.
Tuneless It jumps right at you. I dared not tell you. I am certain you are strong enough to bear it.
Bramble It happens to everybody.
Tuneless You take it like a Caesar.
Bramble I bet she died Saturday night.
Tuneless Right.
Bramble 'Cause I woke from a dream with a terrible start.
Tuneless You see the sympathy between those two who love each other.
Bramble I sensed a cold hand.
Tuneless And, she told you goodbye.
Bramble I saw an invisible phantom. There--who disappeared. But, how did her death occur?
Tuneless I am going to tell you, sir. You know that Saturday night--
Bramble Yes?
Tuneless In the moment she appeared to you--death took her. But the ghost already told you--
Bramble What happened?
Tuneless Death took her. I don't like to tell sad tales like these.
Bramble Tell me some circumstances.
Tuneless If you absolutely wish to know the circumstances, I'll tell you right away that she died suddenly.
Bramble Of apoplexy?
Tuneless No, sir--of--of emotion. They just told her you had died at the wells. Suddenly, a seizure came on--and the faint turned into a coma--and you are now a widower.
Bramble (drawing out a handkerchief) If it is true she died of sadness, I am obligated to weep. (low) But, how shall I manage it? Boo hoo.
Tuneless Don't weep any more. I've got important business to discuss.
Bramble Really, I've suffered an irreparable loss.
Tuneless That can be repaired, sir--for--
Bramble She was the best of wives--boo hoo.
Tuneless Listen to me, please--
Bramble Easy going--affectionate--boo hoo.
Tuneless Listen, will you!
Bramble Tender--boo--sincere hoo--honest boo--the best heart--the best heart-- hoo--hoo--hoo.
Tuneless (aside) If he's going to weep forever, he'll mess up my plans. (pulling Bramble by the arm) Sir, you make me feel compassion for you. The woman didn't die of sadness. I told you at first to console you. But the truth is--as all the doctors agree--she died of pure joy!
Bramble I cannot believe she wished my death.
Tuneless To wish your death, no, but she hoped you wouldn't live as long as she.
Bramble Oh, as to that, I believe it, indeed.
Tuneless She wished to inherit your wealth.
Bramble Ah! Self-interest.
Tuneless Interest rendered her soft and caressing. But, at the bottom she had a hardness for you.
Bramble Ah, that's a bad heart.
Tuneless You remember, one day, enraged against you, she had such self control she was able to embrace you. She almost split. She told her maids all the injuries she wished, but didn't dare to express to you. In her mind, she was strangling you.
Bramble A bad woman.
Tuneless Malicious.
Bramble Secretive.
Tuneless Darkly so.
Bramble If I were so indignant--
Tuneless Malign--
Bramble Outrageous.
Tuneless Demonic.
Bramble So extravagant.
Tuneless She was a devil.
Bramble If she hadn't died, I would kill her.
Tuneless Therefore, cry no more. Recollect the tenderness you have for Arabella--remember you told me of it? In confidence, of course. If you still love that little Arabella, I warn you, the Countess intends to marry her today.
Bramble Today!
Tuneless >From friendship, that's what I wish you to prevent. But, before going into that, it's essential that you avoid the Countess until we have taken certain measures with Arabella. But, hide yourself quickly in these apartments while I go to Arabella.
Bramble You upset me.
Tuneless Go in, quickly. (pushing him out) Because I will lead Arabella to you instantly.
(Exit Bramble.)
Tuneless My idea is good; he's fallen into the trap. A weak little genius wrapped up in his business affairs--and stupid in everything else. One sees many like that. Now to prevent-- But, if someone should undeceive him-- (going, then stopping) Still, I have to go. (returning) Better stay. How to begin--
(Enter Mr. MacPherson and Mrs. MacPherson.)
Mrs. MacPherson Ah, sir. Mr. Bramble is returned. What a misfortune!
MacPherson He came post haste. That's the trouble.
Mrs. MacPherson There's the trouble.
MacPherson If his wife sees him, she'll know he's not dead.
Mrs. MacPherson No more marriage.
MacPherson No partying--no wedding.
Mrs. MacPherson No drinking.
MacPherson Nothing.
Tuneless Listen to me--if you what to celebrate, we must make him believe his wife is dead.
MacPherson Ho, ho, ho--both dead.
Mrs. MacPherson And both widows.
Tuneless If he asks you--say no more than "She is dead."-- But when? But how? But why?
MacPherson She is dead.
Tuneless Very good. But that's not the only thing. We must prevent these two from meeting, and to do that you may have to counterfeit drunkenness.
Mrs. MacPherson I'll take care of that. We will drink despite him.
Tuneless Yes. Watch him for me until I come back.
(Exit Tuneless.)
MacPherson We have to say "Your wife is dead, and we're drinking our sorrows."
Mrs. MacPherson Maybe he can hear us. Sing something about his dead wife.
MacPherson That's a fine idea. A fine idea, Hem, la, la, la. My wife is dead, my wife is dead, And my heart, it feels like lead--Ooh!
(Enter Bramble.)
Bramble What's this? Do you rejoice in my sorrow?
MacPherson Your wife is dead and we're drinking.
Mrs. MacPherson And we are drinking.
Bramble These rogues are drunk. (trying to leave)
MacPherson (stopping him) Drink away your sorrows. It's the only way.
Bramble (trying to pass) What's all this?
Mr. and Mrs. MacPherson Console yourself. Sit down in this chair.
Bramble (forced to sit) The devil!
Mrs. MacPherson You wife has left us. It's sad. We must drink until she returns.
MacPherson If my wife dies, I will get drunk for her epitaph.
Bramble I'm getting nothing from these drunks. I'd better wait till Tuneless returns.
Mrs. MacPherson While we're waiting for Tuneless, we'll sing you a little song to chase your sorrows away.
Bramble Death.
Mr. and Mrs. MacPherson Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to the funeral we'll go, heigh ho, heigh ho--
(Enter Tuneless and Arabella.)
Tuneless Silence. Get out. There Miss, come on in.
(Exit Mr. and Mrs. MacPherson.)
Arabella Here he is. I'm going to play my part wonderfully.
Bramble Ah--they're gone. Let's join Tuneless.
Arabella I come to ask your bounty, sir. I am desolate.
Bramble Console yourself, my dear child. I will prevent the Countess from marrying you.
Arabella She wants to marry me to a man with no money at all. That's what distresses me.
Tuneless No money at all. Sir, you know she has nothing. And, when one marries without money--it makes for a lot of sad children. The Countess said this fellow had a fortune.
Arabella I don't believe in fortunes, except when I see them already in existence.
Tuneless She said he is young.
Arabella Then, he will be unfaithful.
Tuneless The older a man is, the more likely you'll love him for the rest of his life.
Arabella I always wanted a husband with a settled disposition.
Tuneless Who has been previously married.
Arabella Who always indulges his wife in a thousand ways.
Tuneless Like you, for example.
Arabella Unfortunately, I will never be as happy as my aunt was.
Bramble I like the prudence, the wisdom, and the good taste of this tasty little person.
Arabella It's my natural taste, you know, sir. I am incapable of loving a young man. But, I am capable of a real affection for those who treat me right.
Bramble Noble sentiments, noble sentiments. I am so charmed, so delighted, that I am going to see the Countess right now. Ah, there she is in the gallery. I am going to speak to her this moment.
(Exit Bramble.)
Arabella It's not going badly. But, if my aunt should come in--
Tuneless Fear nothing. These two departed will not meet so soon. For Desmond is keeping the widow in the garden, and we are keeping the husband here. The Countess is in on the plot, and is going to keep him in his apartment, one way or another.
Arabella Hurry then, to do on our side as well as Desmond has done on his.
Tuneless You must make your contribution by making the old widower in love, while Desmond does the same with the widow.
(Enter Steward, Countess, Lucy.)
Countess Love doesn't hide itself, sir, and you have accosted me in a manner that convinces me you have a great deal for Arabella.
Bramble Not at all, Madame, but with respect--
Countess I have only one word to say to you about the matter. If you don't want me to marry off Arabella, and to keep her to console you in your grief, and then later marry her--then you must do something for your nephew. You know how highly I think of Desmond. I have spoken to you a hundred times for him--uselessly. And I am going to take this opportunity--the solicitor is downstairs--I am going to marry Arabella, before your very eyes, if you don't transfer some of your wealth to Desmond.
Bramble I am a reasonable man.
Countess We'll go see. But, come to my apartment to agree on the contract. Follow us, Arabella. Your presence will facilitate this little accommodation.
(Exit Bramble, Countess, Arabella, and Tuneless. After a moment, enter Desmond and Lucy.)
Desmond Well, Lucy?
Lucy They are about to tax your uncle. What have you done to hasten the liberality of our widow?
Desmond I pressed her in a lively way. But she was pressing me in a lively way, also.
Lucy Her love presses.
Desmond I pretend not to understand her passionate talk. But the less I seem to understand, the more she reveals. I can't hold her back. I had to leave her alone in the garden--where she stayed to hide her confusion. She sighs, she excites herself--
Lucy A declaration is coming. It wants to come forth. She will unburden her heart. She is meditating some passionate declaration which may be obscure--or plain enough.
Desmond All too plain, I fear. I see her coming. I am not going to wait to hear this.
(Exit Desmond.)
Widow (entering) Where did he go, Lucy?
Lucy (pointing her in the wrong direction) That way, I think.
Widow Desmond. Desmond. I must talk to you.
(Exit Widow. Enter Tuneless.)
Lucy Ah, Tuneless, everything's a mess here.
Tuneless Ah, Lucy, everything's even worse on the other side.
Lucy Truly, she really wants to make a gift.
Tuneless In truth, he wants to make a gift.
Lucy But, Tuneless--
Tuneless But, Lucy--
Lucy But first, she wants to assure herself that Desmond--
Tuneless He wishes to be first secure of Arabella. He will give, when the contract is signed.
Lucy In signing the contract, she says.
Tuneless I can't see any hope.
Lucy My genius is exhausted.
Tuneless Our intrigue falls of its own weight.
Lucy She's too sly.
Tuneless He's too clever. Very well. Lucy, let us at least have the pleasure of dashing their hopes of this double marriage.
Lucy What you suggest will do no good as far as I can see. I haven't the audacity to laugh about it. They'll be furious.
(Exit Lucy.)
Tuneless Me, I always have the courage to amuse myself. Let's see what will become of this. The husband is left alone in his apartment--his wife is alone in hers. They are both saddled for the race. Let's see who will win. Good, here's the husband. I also see the wife. Let's turn out the lights so as to make this double widowhood last a bit longer.
(Tuneless turns out the lights. Bramble enters.)
Bramble The Countess thinks she's found her dupe. She intends to get me to give my money to Desmond, and then marry Arabella to whoever she pleases. But Arabella would be in despair not to marry me. I told her to meet me here so we could take some precautions. She's on her way. Let's wait here. (stepping into the shadows)
(Enter Widow.)
Widow I can't find Desmond anywhere. Someone turned out the lights. He couldn't have given Arabella a rendez-vous here?
Bramble (aside) If Arabella agrees, I will marry her, in spite of the Countess. I've only to take her away secretly. But, what's happening?
Widow It's Desmond, waiting for Arabella!
Bramble Arabella is following me. How lucky I am, that she's promised to marry me. Ah!
Widow How he sighs for her. The little traitor!
Bramble It's Arabella who's looking for me. Here I am.
Widow The resemblance of their voices always astonishes me. How I love one and hate the other.
Bramble Am I the one you're looking for?
Widow His voice makes me tremble-- But, I am crazy--it's Desmond's voice that sounds like that. I'll pretend to be Arabella. I've come to our rendez-vous, my dear, Desmond.
Bramble Desmond--what, is it Desmond you come to see, after having promised never to be with anyone but me?
Widow Ah! It's the true raging voice of my husband.
Bramble Ingrate! Liar!
Widow His ghost reproaches me.
Bramble To betray me thus.
Widow His ghost returns. Let's get out of here! (runs and falls into a chair) My legs have betrayed me! Let me call for help. Ah! My voice fails me.
Bramble You wish to marry Desmond?
Widow I didn't say that.
Bramble What! Didn't I hear right--"Isn't it Desmond?"
Widow Oh, no. I will never have another except you.
Bramble Bah! Never have another--
Widow No, no, husband, no.
Bramble She trembles and calls me her husband. She fears the Countess. There's only me here--don't be afraid. Follow me.
Widow Ha--a, a, a--
Bramble (taking her hand) Where are you then?
Widow (fainting) Ah.
Bramble Don't be afraid--it's me who's got your hand.
Widow I know it's you.
Bramble Yes,--while you call me your husband, you will be my wife. You will love me a little--right? Hey--modesty renders her silent. Hmm. How much more delightful this hand is to kiss than that of my late wife. Hers was rough, this is soft. But don't lose any time. Come with me. (pulling her) What is it? What's wrong?
Widow Ah, Desmond--
Bramble What do I hear?
(Enter Tuneless with a candle. The Widow and Bramble see each other, scream, and exit in different directions.)
Tuneless I turn the thing into raillery. Now, we shall see. I have an idea that I must communicate to Lucy.
(Exit Tuneless.)
[Curtain in the original. End of Act II.]
(The lights darken, indicating the passage of time. Enter Arabella and Lucy.)
Lucy Mr. Bramble is outraged not to be a widower. He curses the Countess who has given him his false joy--but, he doesn't break with Tuneless, because he's afraid Tuneless will inform his dear lady of his infidelity. He still loves you, but he's still more amorous of inheriting from his wife. This should make it easier for Tuneless to bring him round.
Arabella Really, what good can all this do?
Lucy It may help--with luck. But frankly, I don't think it will help. Let's retire. I'm going to see in what shape my lady is in.
(Exit Lucy and Arabella. Enter Tuneless and Bramble.)
Tuneless Yes, sir, it's dissimulation that keeps society going between men-- civil and matrimonial.
Bramble Ouf!
Tuneless Under the shelter of dissimulation, courtiers embrace each other, women compliment each other, and authors bow to each other at a distance. Dissimulation creates new friendships and smoothes over old hatreds.
Bramble Ouf!
Tuneless Without dissimulation, how many secret separations would grow into public divorces. But dissimulation gives wisdom to men, joy to husbands--that's why there are so many happy families at present.
Bramble Ah, my dear Tuneless--
Tuneless You begin to dissimulate--. You hide from me your fear that I might reveal to your wife your passion for-- Don't worry, I am discreet, and she herself cannot prove, even if she suspects, that you took her for Arabella--for you spoke low and she fainted.
Bramble I am furious when I think--
Tuneless That she didn't faint?
Bramble The liar.
Tuneless It's with lying that you find the way to dissimulate.
Bramble What! All the caresses that she gave me for ten years were only to have my wealth.
Tuneless While you permitted her to caress, so you could have hers.
Bramble A woman who hopes to outlive her husband is very unnatural.
Tuneless For a man to wish to live longer than is wife is very--natural.
Bramble To have a criminal passion for my nephew.
Tuneless While you have an innocent tenderness for her niece.
Bramble Heaven will punish her and all those who wish the death of others. Such people always die first.
Tuneless Good. You will both predecease the other.
Bramble Now, I must dissimulate to keep the peace at home, and to preserve my honor before the world.
Tuneless Very good. But, remember the essential thing. Send your nephew to the Indies.
Bramble To the Indies. I will spare nothing to get him there.
Tuneless Here--begin your dissimulation with the Countess. Go joke with her about the trick she played on you, and joke in the faces of all those who do nothing but laugh behind your back.
Bramble That's the role I've got to take.
(Exit Bramble. After a moment, enter Lucy from another direction.)
Lucy Well, Tuneless?
Tuneless I've brought him to the point at which I want him. He will dissimulate. But, I had trouble calming his rage.
Lucy The rage of my mistress is very violent. To soften it, she fainted twice.
Tuneless It's the strength of women to have such little weaknesses ready at their command. For when these great accidents occur--the attack is very strong--and a woman saves herself by fainting or weeping.
Lucy She fortifies herself in this way against reflections, and when she gets her strength back, there are tirades of abuse against her husband--but she leave the name blank.
Tuneless Let's finish. It's time to manage the interview.
Lucy Yes. Here's the lady--bring on the husband.
Tuneless I'll go fetch him.
(Exit Tuneless. Enter Widow from another direction.)
Widow Where are you at, Lucy? You've abandoned me in my rage. I am furious against the Countess.
Lucy That is to say, against your husband.
Widow To deceive me, to betray me. He wanted me to die--the cruel man--the traitor.
Lucy Oh, yes, more a traitor than the Countess. But, your husband also deserves your rage. First of all, because he is alive--and because he is unfaithful. But for fear that he may realize you are also unfaithful, feign, Madame, as I have told you.