The Dogs and the Fleas By One of the Dogs

A MESSENGER OF EVIL TIDINGS.—THE CONFERENCE ALARMED.—THE OLD DISEASE REVIVED.—THE CONFERENCE IN CONFUSION.—MUTUAL RECRIMINATIONS.—INVADED BY UNWELCOME DOGS.—THE BIG DOG’S FEARFU...

APOTHEOSIS OF HONEST LABOR.—GORGEOUS CEREMONIES.—BEAUTIFUL UNANIMITY OF THE MUTUALLY INIMICAL FLEAS AROUND THE THRONE.—END OF BAMBOOZLE NO. 1.—AN AWFUL FIND.—KING HONEST LABOR D...

SHOWS THERE’S NOTHING LIKE PATRIOTISM TO HUMBUG, STARVE AND SWINDLE THE MASSES WITH; AND NOTHING LIKE STATISTICS TO LIE WITH.—THE GREAT GEE WHIZZ APPEARS, SEEKING SOME ONE TO SE...

THE BIG DELIVERER POURS OUT ON THE FLEAS AN AWFUL STREAM OF SCORCHING TRUTHS, WHICH ARE AS MUCH AN INDICTMENT OF THE DOGS AS OF THE FLEAS.—THE POLICE DOGS GO IN OUT OF THE WET.—...

IN the latter days of the sad existence of the Society for the Protection of the Almighty, there arose most strangely from nowhere, a huge, heavy-footed dog, that ran about scat...

HEAVEN WORKETH WITH THE BAMBOOZLERS, CONFIRMING THEIR WORDS, WITH SIGNS FOLLOWING.—GREAT EXPERIENCE MEETING AROUND THE FLAG.—HARRY GRANDDADHAT TELLS WHAT THE FLAG HATH DONE FOR...

SHOWS THAT VIRTUE IS MUCH MORE A MATTER OF VICTUALS THAN IS COMMONLY IMAGINED.—HOW THE REVEREND DOCTOR IMMACULATE BARKWORST WENT OUT TO SAVE SINNERS.—SOME KINDS OF VIRTUE MORE V...

There was a king once reigning, Who had a big black flea, And loved him past explaining, As his own son were he. He called his man of stitches; The tailor came straightway: Here...

THEN the herald proclaimed again that, the Creation being ended, all would adjourn for a week for the Bell to cool, the week to be spent in blowing up their patriotic fervor to...

HOW THE WILL OF THE DOGS EXPRESSER WORKED.—THE SOLEMN MUMMERY COMMITTEE.—HOW IT INQUIRED VERY EXTENSIVELY INTO THE CONDITION OF THE DOGS.—QUARREL BETWEEN THE HIGH PRESSURE NIGHU...

THE TIMES OUT OF JOINT.—THE POLICE DOGS GROWL AND THREATEN REVOLT.—THE SALARIED BARKERS AWAKE AND GET UP A “REVIVAL.”—GREAT CONFERENCE OF ALL THE GREAT LIGHTS OF PIETYDOM.—A LON...

THE BAMBOOZLING COMMITTEE LAYS OUT A PLAN OF BAMBOOZLE.—LOUD NOISE AND GREAT SHOW RELIED ON.—EVERY ONE TO HIS POST.—OPENING OF THE BAMBOOZLE ASSIGNED TO TEE DE LITTLE WIT BLATHE...

THE THINKING CONTAGION MAKES ALARMING PROGRESS.—CONFERENCE OF FRIGHTENED FLEAS.—SAGE COUNSEL.—EFFICACIOUS MEASURES DEVISED.—HOW THEY WORKED.—THE SACRED TRUSTS.—THE HOLY ANGEL’S...

UNQUALIFIED TRIUMPH OF BUNKUM, STATISTICS AND AVERAGES.—EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY “ALL RIGHT.”—THIN AND HUNGRY HONEST LABOR TESTIFIES.—HIS HEAD SWELLS.—SHOWS THAT A GREAT DEAL OF...

RIGHT in the midst of all this universal starvation and death, when every scrap of liberty had been taken from the dogs, and not one dare open his mouth to say his soul or body...

NOW it was at this evil time, when the meagre, weak and bloodless misery of the dogs had reached its depth, and the burden upon them of the unasked-for means for their salvation...

NOW as soon as the Apologist Philosophers and their Proverb Foundry arose it was as though they had opened the doors of a Bottomless Pit where were confined an infinite host of...

CHANCY MOUNTEBANK DEPHOOL FLEA, THE PRINCE OF BAMBOOZLERS.—HIS WONDERFUL PATRIOTISM IN GOING ABROAD EVERY SUMMER.—THE DOGS FIND THEMSELVES HEIRS TO GREATER LIBERTY THAN THEY THO...

BARREN HOPES.—THE HANDLE TIED UP.—DEFEAT OF THE WHITE LEGS BY THE BLACK LEGS AND THE PINK EYED DOGS.—INVENTION OF THE WILL OF THE DOGS EXPRESSER.—THE INVENTION GRACIOUSLY ACCEPT...

THE GREAT DAILY PRESS FULFILLS ALL ITS PROMISES.—UNIVERSAL IDIOCY.—MORE LIBERTY AND A BIGGER FLAG.—LIBERTY TAKES THE FORM OF A STATUE.—POLICE EXEMPLIFICATION OF LIBERTY.—A NEW S...

ONE-EYED ELDER BERRY IS JEALOUS OF LOVELY ANTHONY.—HIS PHILOSOPHY AND LOGIC.—HIS PLAN TO SAVE LITTLE BOW-WOWS AND HOW IT WORKED.—REMARKABLE SUCCESS OF THE SOCIETY IN _not_ PREVE...

DEARTH OF DOGS.—THE BLOOD STREAM BEGINS TO FAIL.—SCHEME TO RECRUIT FROM HUNGRYLAND.—HOW IT WORKED TO THE DESTRUCTION OF THE WHITE LEG ASSOCIATION, AND THE LITTLE BOX WITH THE LI...

NOW the dogs did grind and sweat eighteen hours a day at the Mill, and the fleas around the Tank at the bottom had high old times, and said that the lines had fallen unto them i...

CHAOS reigned in Canisville. Hell seemed to have grown so hungry for victims that it had not patience to wait for the coming down of the dogs to _it_, in the natural course of t...

IN spite, however, of the efforts of the mighty crowd of Vice Suppressors, Sin Killers, and Depravity Squelchers, putters down of this, that and t’other, and preventers of t’oth...

EMINENT over all the gangs whose objects were the “saving” of dogs, was the “Society for the Protection of the Almighty.” This was the gang of gangs, the _elite_ of the rest, th...

THE HOLY ONE A MAKER OF LONG PRAYERS AND SHORT WAGES DISCOURSES ON THE BLESSEDNESS OF CHARITY TO POOR DOGS, AND SHOWS HOW IT INCIDENTALLY PAYS THE BLOOD-SUCKERS WHO DISPENSE IT....

DEMONSTRATES THAT ALL IS NOT SUCCESS THAT SUCCEEDS, AND THAT AN OVERDOSE OF PHYSIC IS AS BAD AS A DISEASE.—ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES THE DOGS, NOT ONLY DULL, BUT FEROCIOUS.—DEV...

WILHELM BUNKUM MAK TINLEY DEALS OUT TO THE DOGS SOME TREMENDOUS DOSES OF BUNKUM, BUT THE DOGS’ SWALLOW IS MUCH MORE TREMENDOUS AND THEY GULP IT EASILY.—HE TREATS THEM TO A MASTE...

THE MUCH TITLED ARCHBISHOP PLETHORIC DOG SHOWS THE INFALLIBLE WAY OF GOING DOWN TO THE DOGS AND LIFTING THEM UP TO CHURCH.—MUSIC AND PICTURES.—NOT SO STOMACH FILLING AS VICTUALS...

LOVELY ANTHONY’S COMMUNION SERVICE ALL BY HIMSELF.—HOW HE FORMED A SOCIETY FOR THE SUPPRESSION OF VICE, AND THE PROPAGATION OF THE GOSPEL OF THE CLUB.—THEIR VICIOUS METHODS OF P...

THE SPIRIT IRRESISTIBLY MOVES PHARAOH PHRIQUE TO TESTIFY OF FREEDOM, EQUALITY AND JUSTICE.—WHICH SHOWS THAT SATAN CAN SOMETIMES BE EXCEEDINGLY PIOUS.—PHRIQUE OVERDOES HIS PART A...

LIBERTY, LOTS OF IT.—BUT VICTUALS ARE UNFORTUNATELY IN INVERSE PROPORTION.—MUTUAL CONGRATULATION OF THE FLEAS ON THE VERY SATISFACTORY STATE OF THINGS.—A POINT OVERLOOKED; WHICH...

IT came to pass one day when the Handle went more heavily than usual, that one dog was seen to jump up from his work with a yelp as though bitten by ten thousand fleas all at on...

AT last it came to pass by reason of having forgotten that there ever had been better days than they now saw that the dogs grew to believe that the state of things they lived un...

THINGS went from bad to worse among the dogs. It became the universal thing for dogs to be hungry and coatless and to go about weary, languid and sore distressed.

NOW the poor fool dogs of Canisville had been told by their own fleas that victory over the wicked dogs of Kyhidom meant Freedom, Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, Prosperity, Univ...

THEN did the numerous Chaos Straighteners and Moral and Spiritual Cobblers, seeing that they had the hearty appreciation of the Church of the Fleas, in their efforts to spiritua...

THE barkers were all true and immovable believers in the musty and mouldy old doctrine that whatsoever was in the beginning ought to be now and forever, world without end, amen....

ALL these dog-flea-monkey Virtue Compulsionists had one peculiar delusion: They all imagined that they were exceedingly beautiful spiritually, and comely of complexion morally,...

NOW when the Church of the Fleas had diligently considered Lovely Anthony the Dog Catcher for awhile, they said one to another, “Lo! The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.”

Henry Ward Beecher, in a sermon shortly before his death, said America was going through a period of disgrace. This was true; for there had come to pass, what the prophetic Linc...

THERE was once a time when dogs _were_ dogs and dwelt together respectably in the respectable town of Canisville. Canisville was situated on the west side of a big fish pond, fr...