Part 2
MRS. ATKINS [_gets ready to go_]: It doesn’t matter wot size I tike, for I’m not tiking any boots. That’s the only style of boot I want hand I’d buy it in a minute if it didn’t ’ave that odious woman’s nime connected with it. Not content with breaking windows, she ’as to break up ’omes, too, the hussy. [_Goes towards door R._] Good-h’afternoon, sir.
_Enter MR. WILSON._
MR. WILSON: Why, good-afternoon, Mrs. Atkins. I trust you’ve been served satisfactorily?
MRS. ATKINS [_tartly_]: No, I ’aven’t, not with the Pankhurst boot.
MR. WILSON [_picks up boot_]: Jack, why didn’t you show her this anti-suffragette style. I’m sure Mrs. Atkins would like this.
MRS. ATKINS: _The H’ante-suffragette?_ Why, ’ee told me it was the Pankhurst and—
MR. WILSON [_looks surprised_]: Why, Jack, however could you make such a mistake as that? The Pankhurst is a different shoe, altogether. Only dowdy people wear them. I wouldn’t think of trying to sell that shoe to _you_, Mrs. Atkins. But you’ll have to make allowance for my son, here. You see, this is his first day in selling and he really doesn’t know one style from the other. But he’ll soon learn.
JACK [_aside as he tidies up the tables_]: Not in a thousand years, believe me!
MRS. ATKINS: I ’ope so, but ’ee doesn’t look any too bright, Mr. Wilson. [_JACK shakes fist in her direction._]
MR. WILSON: Everyone says he takes after his mother. [_Holds up boot._] Now, this is the very latest thing we have, worn by all the fashionable and sensible ladies who are against this tomfoolery of women voting and entering into politics. It does nothing but break up homes and—and—would you like to try it on?
MRS. ATKINS [_hurriedly_]: Oh no, I’m sure it’s the right size by the looks of it. [_Aside._] I wouldn’t for h’anything let him see the ’ole where my big toe ’as worked through my stocking. [_Aloud._] I’ll tike them, Mr. Wilson if they’re not too expenses.
MR. WILSON: The price is ten dollars and forty-five cents, but I’m only charging you ten-forty on account of the trouble you have had with my son. [_Wraps boots up._]
MRS. ATKINS: H’all right, Mr. Wilson, Atkins will be in to piy for them Saturday night when ’ee gits his week’s wages. [_Takes parcel._] Good h’afternoon, sir. [_Turns towards JACK._] And to you too, sir. I ain’t ’olding any ’ard feelings agin you. You didn’t know any better. [_Exit._]
JACK [_wildly rumples hair as he strides back and forth_]: Good heavens, this is awful. [_Stops in front of MR. WILSON._] Do you see any change in my hair, dad?
MR. WILSON: No, why?
JACK: Then it hasn’t turned grey?
MR. WILSON [_laughs_]: It will take more than that to turn your head grey. But I thought you were going to put it all over the dears until they would be tumbling over each other to buy. Have I quoted you correctly?
JACK: That’s right, rub it in. But when I said that, I didn’t know that I had to be a politician and a feminine psychologist and—and an accomplished liar in order to sell a woman a pair of boots.
MR. WILSON: Not a liar, son. Be careful what you call your respected parent.
JACK: Well, if what you have been doing all afternoon isn’t lying, I’d like to know what you’d call it.
MR. WILSON: Diplomacy, my boy.
JACK: The same thing under a fancy name.
MR. WILSON: Not at all. A lie is telling what is absolutely untrue, Diplomacy is—is—oh yes, it is a skillful juggling of the truth. [_Bell tinkles._] Here comes your next triumph. I tell you what I’ll do, I’ll give you ten dollars for every pair of boots, shoes or slippers that you sell. [_Exit door L._]
JACK: I guess he knows his money’s safe.
_Enter MRS. O’BRIEN, loaded up with bundles._
MRS. O’BRIEN [_drops bundles on table and mops brow_]: The saints presarve us, it is a hot day and it’s the loikes of me that knows it, bendin’ over the washboard ivery day of me loife, ceptin’ the blissed howly-day, doin’ other folk’s worruk while they dressin silks and satin. Shure and Oim afther thinking things ain’t avenly divided in this worruld, they ain’t. [_Fans herself with hat._]
JACK [_aside_]: She’s a living eight-day clock. [_Aloud._] They sure aren’t, Mrs. O’Brien, I agree with you there.
MRS. O’BRIEN: And be yez a socialist loike meself?
JACK: Sure thing. I’ve never been anything else.
MRS. O’BRIEN: Then yez belave the rich should share with the downtrodden poor?
JACK [_aside_]: Rule 4. Always agree, etc. [_Aloud._] Certainly they should share and share alike I say.
MRS. O’BRIEN [_Throws arms around him._]: Shure and yez is a bohy afther me own heart. [_JACK frees himself._] It be a pity that yer father ain’t afther belavin’ the same as yez. But he’s a harrud skin-flit, he is and Oi’m only afther hopin’ that yez don’t be takin’ afther him.
JACK [_goes to door L and says aside_]: Get that dad? The shoe’s on the other foot now. [_Aloud._] I don’t. He was just telling a customer a few minutes ago that I wasn’t the least bit like him. And what can I sell you today? [_As MRS. O’BRIEN talks, he gets behind her and pretends to wind her up._]
MRS. O’BRIEN: Shure and Oim afther buyin’ shoes for all the chilrun. There’s Betsy aged noine, she’s me roight-hand girrul. Then there’s Pat ond Moike, twins they be both borrun at the same toime and sick limbs of Satan yez niver see, bless their hearuts. They’re siven. Then there’s Norah, she’s foive, the swatest crather that iver wuz hit she wears out her souls loike they wuz paper. And there’s the baby, he’s jest crapin’, his name be Rory afther his dad.
JACK [_picks up large box_]: Here is just what you need, Mrs. O’Brien, boots in family lots. [_Empties them out._] They come cheaper that way. [_Pulls out very small shoe._] Now, these are just the thing for Betsy.
MRS. O’BRIEN: Bless me sowl! Me Betsy could niver git aven her big toe into the loikes of them. They’re more Norah’s size.
JACK: That’s right. I meant Norah. My mistake. [_Pulls out two pairs._] And these will suit the twins, Rory and Mike—
MRS. O’BRIEN: Shure and Rory is six years behint Moike in comin’ into the worruld. It’s Pat—
JACK: Oh yes, of course, Pat and Mike. They always go together. Well these will suit—
MRS. O’BRIEN: But shure and me Pat tikes a larger size than Moike as his fate are bigger.
JACK: All the better, one of these is a size larger than the other. Family lots are always sold that way. Now here’s the baby’s [_holds up bootees_] and here’s [_holds up a larger shoe_] one pair for the baby to grow into as its— [_MRS. O’BRIEN throws up her hands._] Why, what’s the matter?
MRS. O’BRIEN: Och, a—nee—o! And it’s mesilf that be the unnathural parunt. Oi don’t be desarvin’ to have chilrun, Oi don’t. Here be me Danny at home waitin’ to fill them shoes and me forgittin’ all about the darlint. Oi’ll be afther takin’ them all, Misther Wilson, and plaze wrap them in that pi’tcher page. [_Points to colored supplement._] So that the chilrun can look at the pitchers. [_JACK wraps them up._.]
JACK [_aside_]: Six pairs of shoes and dad has promised me ten dollars a pair. Pretty good business, I’ll tell the world. [_Aloud._] These come to twenty-three dollars and seventy cents, Mrs. O’Brien, but to encourage the raising of large families, I’ll just charge twenty-three, sixty-eight. Will you pay for them now or have them charged? [_Gives her the shoes._]
MRS. O’BRIEN [_indignantly_]: Pay, did yez say? And whoiver talked of payin’? Wuzun’t yez jist afther sayin’ yez wuz a socialist and yez belaved the rich should share with the poor and—
JACK: Yes, but—
MRS. O’BRIEN [_interrupts_]: And ain’t yez rich and me as poor as Paddy’s pig afther they took it’s straw bed away? Niver a cint will Oi be afther payin’.— [_Starts towards door R._]
JACK: Oh, but I didn’t mean that you could cart away the whole—
MRS. O’BRIEN: Then yez should say phwat yez mane and mane phwat yez say. Oi wuz jist afther takin’ yez at yer worrud. [_Opens door._]
MR. WILSON [_comes in quickly_]: Just a minute, Mrs. O’Brien.
MRS. O’BRIEN [_drops bundles_]: Howly Moses, and where be yez afther comin’ from?
MR. WILSON [_picks up shoes_]: From the back of the store and Mrs. O’Brien, I’m very sorry, but you can’t have these shoes unless you pay cash for them.
MRS. O’BRIEN: Pay cash? And Oi’d loike to know how the loikes of me can pay cash whin Oi haven’t a cint to my name. Bad cess to yez, yez ould skin-flint. [_Shakes fist in his face._] Yez would skin a flea for its hide, yez would. May the saints forgit yez and the devil fly away with yez. [_Exit._]
JACK: Merciful heavens, dad, isn’t she a howly terror? But what gets me is after raising my hope to the high pinnacle of sixty dollars, she shooed them away, worse luck! I confess, dad, that I’m an out and out failure. I’ve never put in such a day in all my life. I’ll sell newspapers, shovel coal, dig ditches or—or—or even teach school before I’ll put in another. I’m through. Not another customer will I wait on for all the money in the world. [_Bell tinkles._] There goes that darned bell. It’s _me_ for the back shop this time. [_Hurries toward door L._]
MR. WILSON [_looks toward entrance_]: Why, it’s Betty Moffat back, I wonder—
JACK [_rushes back_]: I’ll wait on her, dad. Clear out.
_Enter BETTY._
MR. WILSON: But I thought—
JACK: Don’t, it’s bad for the brain. Hustle. [_Exit MR. WILSON._] Why, Bett—Miss Moffat, I didn’t think—
BETTY [_mischievously_]: Don’t, it’s bad for the brain. [_Both laugh._] I’ve come back to tell you you were right and—
JACK [_puzzled_]: Right? What about?
BETTY: Why about those slippers; they _are_ too small for me.
JACK [_aside_]: Hanged if I hadn’t forgotten all about that, but goodness knows I’ve had enough other things to worry about. [_Aloud._] Oh, no, Betty, I’m sure they are the right size; you have such dear little—
BETTY: But they _are_ too small. I tried to dance in them when I got home and they hurt my feet like everything.
JACK [_tenderly_]: Poor little feet!
BETTY: And I want a half size larger. [_Sits down. JACK gets slippers and kneels to fit them._] And—and I’m awfully sorry, Jack, that I was so horrid. I’ve got a nasty, mean temper and—
JACK: Now, don’t you dare call yourself names. Why Betty, you’re the sweetest girl that ever lived, you’re—you’re the dearest thing in boots!
BETTY: That’s just what daddy says when he gets the bills for them.
JACK: Oh, but I didn’t mean it that way I— [_Aside._] Hang it, I wish dad weren’t taking in every word I say. [_Calls._] Dad, come on out here and mind your robber’s den yourself for awhile. Betty and I are going to the ice-cream parlor. Come on, Betty. [_Drags her a few steps with one pump on._]
BETTY: Really Jack, don’t you think I ought to put my other pump on first? I wouldn’t like to go like this. What would people say?
JACK: What a dear little foot! [_Puts her slipper on her foot._] Here you are. Come on. [_Exit BETTY and JACK hand in hand._]
MR. WILSON [_Enters, picks up slipper and shakes his head._]: The dearest thing in boots, eh? He’s not far off for I’ll never be able to sell these. But what’s a pair of these to my boy’s happiness? [_Pours out glass of water and raises it._] So here’s to the dearest thing in boots—and may they ever continue to buy them—the ladies, God bless them. [_Drinks._]
CURTAIN
Entertainments for All Occasions
_Special Day Entertainments_
=BEST CHRISTMAS PANTOMIMES=—Irish $0.40 =CHOICE CHRISTMAS DIALOGUES AND PLAYS=—Irish .40 =CHOICE CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENTS=—Irish .40 =CHRISTMAS AT McCARTHY’S=—Guptill .25 =CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER=—Guptill .25 =CHRISTMAS EVE AT MULLIGAN’S=—Irish .25 =CHRISTMAS SPEAKIN’ AT SKAGG’S SKULE=—Irish .25 =IN A TOY SHOP=—Preston .25 =THE PRIMARY CHRISTMAS BOOK=—Irish .40 =PUMPKIN PIE PETER=—Irish .25 =THE REUNION AT PINE KNOT RANCH=—Irish .25 =SNOWBOUND FOR CHRISTMAS=—Preston .25 =A STRIKE IN SANTA LAND=—Preston .25 =A THANKSGIVING CONSPIRACY=—Irish .25 =A THANKSGIVING DREAM=—Preston .25 =A TOPSY-TURVY CHRISTMAS=—Guptill .25
_Dialogues and Children’s Plays_
=ALL IN A GARDEN FAIR=—Wilbur $0.25 =DOLLS ON DRESS PARADE=—Preston .25 =A PARTY IN MOTHER GOOSE LAND=—Preston .25 =SNAPPY HUMOROUS DIALOGUES=—Irish .40
_Recitations and Pantomimes_
=CATCHY PRIMARY RECITATIONS=—Irish $0.30 =OLD TIME SONGS PANTOMIMED=—Irish .40
_Plays_
=THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS=—MacKenzie $0.25 =THE GREAT CHICKEN STEALING CASE OF EBENEZER COUNTY=—Richardson .25 =THE GREAT WHISKEY STEALING CASE=—Richardson .25 =MISS JANIE; OR, THE CURTAILED COURTSHIP=—Bonham .25 =THAT AWFUL LETTER=—MacKenzie .25 =THE UNEXPECTED GUEST=—MacKenzie .25
_Monologues_
=AS OUR WASHWOMAN SEES IT=—MacKenzie $0.25 =ASK OUIJA=—MacKenzie .25 =THE COUNTRY COUSIN SPEAKS HER MIND=—MacKenzie .25 =GLADYS REVIEWS THE DANCE=—MacKenzie .25 =I’M ENGAGED=—MacKenzie .25 =SHE SAYS SHE STUDIES=—MacKenzie .25 =SUSAN GETS READY FOR CHURCH=—MacKenzie .25
PAINE PUBLISHING CO. Dayton, Ohio
Entertainments for Christmas
=CHOICE CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENTS= =By Marie Irish=
For children of all grades. Contents: 50 recitations, 8 monologues, 11 plays and dialogues, 5 drills and marches, 8 tableaux, 4 pantomimes, 8 pantomimed carols, 8 songs, etc. =Price, 40 cents.=
=THE PRIMARY CHRISTMAS BOOK= =By Marie Irish=
For children under ten years of age. Contents: 68 recitations, 12 exercises, 7 songs, 6 drills, 12 dialogues and plays, 9 pantomimes. =Price, 40 cents.=
=BEST CHRISTMAS PANTOMIMES= =By Marie Irish=
Twelve pantomimes, each accompanied by complete words, directions and music. Some are serious and some are in a lighter vein. =Price, 40 cents.=
=CHOICE CHRISTMAS DIALOGUES AND PLAYS= =By Marie Irish=
Ten dialogues for Primary Grades, 10 dialogues for Intermediate Grades and 8 plays for Grammar Grades. =Price, 40 cents.=
=CHRISTMAS AT McCARTHY’S= =By Elizabeth F. Guptill=
Brimful of fun and Christmas spirit. For any number of young folks and children. Time, 30 minutes. =Price, 25 cents.=
=CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER= =By Elizabeth F. Guptill=
The old-fashioned school is rehearsing for the Christmas entertainment. Funny from beginning to end. Time, 30 minutes. For any number of children. =Price, 25 cents.=
=CHRISTMAS EVE AT MULLIGAN’S= =By Marie Irish=
For all grades. 4 males, 5 females. Time, 30 minutes. A most unusual play. Plenty of wit and humor as well as more serious episodes. Sure to be a success. =Price, 25 cents.=
=CHRISTMAS SPEAKIN’ AT SKAGG’S SKULE= =By Marie Irish=
A back woods school entertainment is featured. Easy to prepare and plenty of fun. For 6 boys and 8 girls. Time, 30 minutes. =Price, 25 cents.=
=IN A TOY SHOP= =By Effa E. Preston=
In rhyme. For 12 or more small children. A clever little play that will please. Time, 20 minutes. =Price, 25 cents.=
=THE REUNION AT PINE KNOT RANCH= =By Marie Irish=
For upper grades. 5 males and 6 females. Time, 30 minutes. Plenty of fun and a great surprise. =Price, 25 cents.=
=SNOWBOUND FOR CHRISTMAS= =By Marie Irish=
For 4 boys and 4 girls. For mixed grades. Time, 25 minutes. The older children play Santa Claus for the younger ones. =Price, 25 cents.=
=A STRIKE IN SANTA LAND= =By Effa E. Preston=
In rhyme. 8 boys, 7 girls. Time, 20 minutes. Very easy but effective. =Price, 25 cents.=
=A TOPSY-TURVY CHRISTMAS= =By Elizabeth F. Guptill=
Humorous. For any number of children under fourteen years of age. Time, 30 minutes. =Price, 25 cents.=
PAINE PUBLISHING CO. Dayton, Ohio
* * * * *
Transcriber’s Notes:
Obvious punctuation errors repaired.
Back cover had a sticker over part of the text. Text was supplied by duplicate cover text.
Page 1, title page, “Things” changed to “Thing” (The Dearest Thing in Boots)
Page 2, cast list “MOFFATT” change to “MOFFAT” (BETTY MOFFAT)
Page 4, the first dialogue in the play spoken by Mr. Wilson, with an additional “been”:
MR. WILSON: It’s been a whole week, Jack, since you first came into the store, so if you’ve been been keeping your ears and eyes open, you will have caught on to some of my methods.
was repeated at the top of the second page of the dialogue right before the line beginning:
MR. WILSON: Don’t be so sure, young man. There’s many
The repetition was deleted.
Page 7, a line of dialogue was misplaced, replacing the original. The transcriber has attempted to come up with a plausible number in its place. The original read:
MR. WILSON: That’s the great idea, my son. You’re learn- women out of ten want boots too small for them and won’t take anything else. That’s why women can endure pain better than men; they get used to it, breaking in tight shoes.
It has been amended to:
MR. WILSON: Eight women out of ten want boots too small for them and won’t take anything else. That’s why women can endure pain better than men; they get used to it, breaking in tight shoes.
Page 8, “by” changed to “my” (That’s the great idea, my son)
Page 8, “grandliquently” changed to “grandiloquently” ([_Aloud grandiloquently._])
Page 9, “treadding” changed to “treading” (Imagine me treading on the)
Page 10, “desparately” changed to “desperately” (JACK [_desperately_]: Oh, really)
Page 12, character’s last name of “Firmrock” was changed from italics to match the form of the rest of the play. (MISS FIRMROCK [_pays_]: Oh no, I’ll wait)
Page 19, “buisness” changed to “business” (Pretty good business)
Page 20, “Ii” changed to “Oi” (whin Oi haven’t a cint)
Both inside and outside of back cover, “McCARTHYS’” and “SKAGGS’” changed to “McCARTHY’S” and “SKAGG’S” to match actual name of plays.
End of Project Gutenberg's The Dearest Things in Boots, by Edna I. MacKenzie