Chapter 36

Anderson Crow's Resignation

Some days later Anderson Crow returned to Tinkletown from New York, where he had seen Rosalie Bonner and her husband off for England, accompanied by Mrs. Banks and Elsie, who had taken passage on the same steamer. He was attired in a brand-new suit of blue serge, a panama hat, and patent-leather shoes which hurt his feet. Moreover, he carried a new walking stick with a great gold head and there was a huge pearl scarf-pin in his necktie Besides all this, his hair and beard had been trimmed to perfection by a Holland House barber. Every morning his wife was obliged to run a flatiron over his trousers to perpetuate the crease. Altogether Anderson was a revelation not only to his family and to the town at large, but to himself as well. He fairly staggered every time he got a glimpse of himself in the shop windows.

All day long he strolled about the street, from store to store, or leaned imposingly against every post that presented itself conveniently. Naturally he was the talk of the town.

"Gee-mi-nently!" ejaculated Alf Reesling, catching sight of him late in the day. "Is that the president?"

"It's Anderson Crow," explained Blootch Peabody.

"Who's dead?" demanded Alf.

"What's that got to do with it?"

"Why, whose clothes is he wearin'?" pursued Alf, utterly overcome by the picture.

"You'd better not let him hear you say that," cautioned Isaac Porter. "He got 'em in New York. He says young Mr. Bonner give 'em to him fer a weddin' present. Rosalie give him a pearl dingus to wear in his cravat, an' derned ef he don't have to wear a collar all the time now. That lawyer Barnes give him the cane. Gee whiz! he looks like a king, don't he?"

At that moment Anderson approached the group in front of Lamson's store. He walked with a stateliness that seemed to signify pain in his lower extremities more than it did dignity higher up.

"How fer out do you reckon they are by this time, Blootch?" he asked earnestly.

"'Bout ten miles further than when you asked while ago," responded Blootch, consulting his watch.

"Well, that ought to get 'em to Liverpool sometime soon then. They took a powerful fast ship. Makes it in less 'n six days, they say. Let's see. They sailed day before yesterday. They must be out sight o' land by this time."

"Yes, unless they're passin' some islands," agreed Blootch.

"Thunderation! What air you talkin' about?" said Anderson scornfully. "Cuby an' Porty Rico's been passed long ago. Them islands ain't far from Boston. Don't you remember how skeered the Boston people were durin' the war with Spain? Feared the Spanish shells might go a little high an' smash up the town? Islands nothin'! They've got away out into deep water by this time, boys. 'y Gosh, I'm anxious about Rosalie. S'posin' that derned boat struck a rock er upset er somethin'! They never could swim ashore."

"Oh, there's no danger, Anderson," said Mr. Lamson. "Those boats are perfectly safe. I suppose they're going to telegraph you when they land."

"No, they're goin' to cable, Wick says. Doggone, I'm glad it's all settled. You don't know how hard I've worked all these years to find out who her parents was. Course I knowed they were foreigners all the time, but Rosalie never had no brogue, so you c'n see how I was threw off the track. She talked jest as good American as we do. I was mighty glad when I finally run Miss Banks to earth." The crowd was in no position to argue the point with him. "That Miss Banks is a fine girl, boys. She done the right thing. An' so did my Rosalie--I mean Lady Rosalie. She made Elsie keep some of the money. Mr. Barnes is goin' to England next week to help settle the matter for Lady Rosalie. He says she's got nearly a million dollars tied up some'eres. It's easy sailin', though, 'cause Mrs. Banks says so. Did you hear what Rosalie said when she got convinced about bein' an English lady?"

"No; what did she say?"

"She jest stuck up that derned little nose o' hern an' said: 'I am an American as long as I live.'"

"Hooray!" shouted Alf Reesling, throwing Isaac Porter's new hat into the air. The crowd joined in the cheering.

"Did I ever tell you how I knowed all along that it was a man who left Rosalie on the porch?" asked Anderson.

"Why, you allus told me it was a woman," said Alf. "You accused me of bein' her."

"Shucks! Woman nothin'! I knowed it was a man. Here's somethin' you don't know, Alf. I sized up the foot-prints on my front steps jest after she--I mean he--dropped the basket. The toes turned outward, plain as day, right there in the snow." He paused to let the statement settle in their puzzled brains. "Don't you know that one hunderd percent of the women turn their toes in when they go upstairs? To keep from hookin' into their skirts? Thunder, you oughter of thought of that, too!"

Some one had posted Anderson on this peculiarly feminine trait, and he was making the best of it. Incidentally, it may be said that every man in Tinkletown took personal observations in order to satisfy himself.

"Any one seen Pastor MacFarlane?" went on Anderson. "Wick Bonner give me a hunderd dollar bill to give him fer performin' the ceremony up to our house that night. G'way, Ed Higgins! I'm not goin' 'round showin' that bill to people. If robbers got onto the fact I have it, they'd probably try to steal it. I don't keer if you ain't seen that much money in one piece. That's none of my lookout. Say, are you comin' to the town meetin' to-night?"

They were all at the meeting of the town board that night. It was held, as usual, in Odd Fellows' Hall, above Peterson's dry-goods store, and there was not so much as standing room in the place when the clerk read the minutes of the last meeting. Word had gone forth that something unusual was to happen. It was not idle rumour, for soon after the session began, Anderson Crow arose to address the board.

"Gentlemen," he said, his voice trembling with emotion, "I have come before you as I notified you I would. I hereby tender my resignation as marshal of Tinkletown, street commissioner and chief of the fire department--an' any other job I may have that has slipped my mind. I now suggest that you app'int Mr. Ed Higgins in my place. He has wanted the job fer some time, an' says it won't interfere with his business any more than it did with mine. I have worked hard all these years an' I feel that I ought to have a rest. Besides, it has got to be so that thieves an' other criminals won't visit Tinkletown on account o' me, an' I think the town is bein' held back considerable in that way. What's the use havin' a marshal an' a jail ef nobody comes here to commit crimes? They have to commit 'em in New York City er Chicago nowadays, jest because it's safer there than it is here. Look at this last case I had. Wasn't that arranged in New York? Well, it shouldn't be that way. Even the train robbers put up their job in New York. I feel that the best interests of the town would be served ef I resign an' give the criminals a chance. You all know Ed Higgins. He will ketch 'em if anybody kin. I move that he be app'inted."

The motion prevailed, as did the vote of thanks, which was vociferously called for in behalf of Anderson Crow.

"You honour me," said the ex-marshal, when the "ayes" died away. "I promise to help Marshal Higgins in ever' way possible. I'll tell him jest what to do in everything. I wish to say that I am not goin' out of the detective business, however. I'm goin' to open an agency of my own here. All sorts of detective business will be done at reasonable prices. I had these cards printed at the _Banner_ office to-day, an' Mr. Squires is goin' to run an ad. fer me fer a year in the paper."

He proudly handed a card to the president of the board and then told the crowd that each person present could have one by applying to his son Roscoe, who would be waiting in the hallway after the meeting. The card read:

"Anderson Crow, Detective. All kinds of cases Taken and Satisfaction Guaranteed. Berth mysteries a Specialty."

Mrs. Bonner, upon hearing of his resignation the next day, just as she was leaving for Boston, drily remarked to the Congressman:

"I still maintain that Anderson Crow is utterly impossible."

No doubt the entire world, aside from the village of Tinkletown, agrees with her in that opinion.