Chapter 2

Sr. Con: Ha-- ha-- ha-- who is that dear Miss is a ridiculous Fellow.

Omn: Ha-- ha-- ha--

Brill: O Lud, I hope he did not here me (#apart#)

Omn: Ha-- ha-- ha,

Brill: Why this-- a-- a-- Macklin, Macklin,-- or Pasquin-- or Drawcansir-- or who ever it was that writ this Play Bill.

Sr. Con: It is a Puff, a Puff-- a Puff, a very good Puff upon Honour, like Woodward's lick at the Town last year. I am afraid tho' All the Wit of the Author is in the Bill, ha, ha, ha.

Omn: Ha, ha, ha.

Brill: Now upon Honour I like it for it's Novelty.

Bob: And upon Honour I shall damn it for it's Novelty, ev'ry Man in his Humour as the Play says.

Hyd: Ha, ha, well said Bob.

Brill: But the Pit, Boxes and Gallery's doing their parts for their Diversion, that's what puzzles me.

Hyd: Lord, that's all a Puff. he'll have some body upon the Stage to represent them.

Sr. Con: No, no, no, you are out, you are out, he is to have one of the Actors in the Pitt; who is to Speak from thence-- See there-- there he is the very Actor-- You may See him from hence-- he sits next to that very handsome Gentleman that looks like a Iew's Bastard.

Omn: Ha, ha, ha-- I see him, I see him.

Sr. Con: And there's one of the Actresses some where or other in the Front Boxes;-- She's a New Woman-- very handsome they say, one Miss Tweezeldon. I wish we cou'd find her out.

Hyd: I can't see her;-- unless that be She with the White teeth that laughs so heartily, and is playing with her Fan.

Sr. Conj. I believe that is She; yes, yes, that is she I am Possitive, for she blushes at Our Speaking of her, but we shall put her out of Countenance.-- Ladies we should not let the Audience so far into the Secret; it will not be fair;-- come let us Step into the Green Room for a Moment-- I want to have a little Chat with this Pasquin.

Brill: Miss Bashfull come Child we'll go into the Green Room. were you ever there.

Bash: Never Madam.

Brill: Come then I'll shew it you.

Bash: O with all my heart-- I long to See the Green Room; I have often heard of it-- they say the Actresses paint Prodigiously-- I shou'd like of all things to see them near.

Sr. Con: Come Ladies if you please I'll Introduce you.

Exeunt.

Enter Pasquin.

Pas: So there they go,-- the choice Spirits, the Infalibles, who preside at all Public Diversions; and on whom the Fate of Pasquin this Night depends.

Hyd: Where is he, where is this Drawcansir } within

Romp. This way Sir, on the Stage. }

Hyd: (#_Running up to him with great Ceremony_#) Seignior Pasquin-- Drawcansir-- Censor of great Britain, your Satyrical Mightiness is welcome to London. and now Sir, as you and I are to be very intimate to night, pray, Sir, give me leave to have the Honour of introducing my self to you.

Pas: Sir you do me great Honour.

Hyd: I am Sir, for my Taste in Public Diversions, honoured with the facetious Appellation of the Town.-- but my real Name is Iack Hydra. for these many Years, Sir, I have been the North Star of the Pit; by which All Criticks have Steered their Iudgement: And am Sir at the Head of the Genii who direct the Public,-- We decide between contending Toasts, pass Iudgement upon Actors, damn, or encourage Authors; and are the Bucks, my dear, that I fancy will do for you to Night.

Pas: Sir of the Infallibility and Power of the Town I am very well apprized; therefore I have invited you this Night, that my Proceedings may have the Sanction of your Approbation. for whatever the Town disapproves I shall my self Condemn.

Hyd: But harkee Pasquin, prithy what is this Humbug. Bill of Yours about it; Why how the Devil will you gett off your Promise of the Pit, Boxes, and Galleries, performing their parts for their Diversion

Pas: As the Politicious say Sir, you are a little premature in your Question. Puffing Sr: & the Drama have their Arcana's as well as Love or Politics. I'll engage the Pit, Boxes, and Galleries perform their parts to a Numerous and Polite Audience, and with Universal Applause. As soon as they shall hear the Cue depend upon it you'll hear them Speak.

Hyd: Well Sir, Preliminaries being Settled I will now individually introduce, to your censorial Highness, the Genii who are to Sit upon you.

Pas: Sir, I shall think my self highly honour'd in their Acquaintance.

Omn: (#within#) Where is he, where is he? what, upon the Stage, ha, ha, ha. (#as they all press to come on Hydra stops them#)

Hyd: Nay, nay, softly, softly Gentlemen, & I'll Introduce You all if you will have Patience! One at a time, You must come on but one at a time.

Omn: Ay, ay, one at a time, keep back, keep back; pray keep back; We shall have the Audience hiss us.

Enter Bob Smart.

Hyd: The first Character I have the Honour to introduce to your Highness is the facetious Bob Smart, a professed Wit and Critic; no Man knows the Intrigues of the Court, the Theatres, or the City better, No Man has a finer Taste in the Belle' Letters, for he is deemed one of the best Gentlemen Harlequins in Europe, and is an Emminent Orator at the Robin Hood Society.

Bob: Yes, Seignior, I am little Bob Smart at your Service; did you ever hear of me Abroad?

Pas: Often, often Sir.

Bob: I thought so; have you got ever a Harlequin in this Farce of yours, Mr. Drawcansir?

Pas: No Sir.

Bob: Then you'll be damn'd Sir. by your Bills I thought there was a Pantomime in it. I wish you had consulted me, I have wrote two-- And a Parcell of us intend next Winter to have one of the Theatres, and to treat the Public with the finest Pantomime that ever was seen, in Immitation of the Gentlemen Who Play'd Othello.

Omn: Ha, ha, ha, Bravo, Bravo (_at the side of the Scenes_)

Bob: Don't you think it will exceed Othello?

Pas: Certainly Sir; and be a much more rational Entertainment, and what will Shew your Genius to vast Advantage.

Bob: I am to do the Harlequin in it, tidi, doldi, doldi, doldi dee, tidi, doldi, doldi, doldi dee (#Sings & dances the Harlequin.#)

Omn: Ha, ha, ha, ha, Bravo, Bravo.

Bob: Do you think that will do Seignior?

Pas: To Admiration.

Bob: I practice it three Hours evry Morning, but what is the Nature of this Farce of yours? have you any Smart, ridiculous, droll Fellows in it ha!

Pas: No Sir. they are all polite, Sensible, decent, Characters such as yours!

Bob. Nay Igad if they are like me I'll engage they'll make the public laugh.-- for by all that's drole I always Set the Coffee House in a Roar when I am there, he! don't I Hydra.

Hyd: Why you are the very Yorick of the Age.

Bob: Igad I have more humour than Foot a thousand times; and I'll lay a Chaldron of Guineas to a Nutshell that my Pantomime, is a better thing than his Taste. I think I have some Fun in me demme.

Hyd: This Mr. Pasquin is the Noted Sr. Conjecture Possitive; a Gentleman who was never in an Error in his Life,-- consequently cou'd never be convinced. Sr. he understands Politics and Butterflies, Whale fishing and Cricket, Fortification and Shittle Cock; Poetry and Wolf Dogs; in short ev'ry thing, in ev'ry Art and Science, from a Pins Head, to the Longitude & Philosopher's Stone, better than any Man in Europe.

Sr. Con: O Fye, Mr. Hydra, you are too lavish, Mr. Pasquin will think you are imposing upon him.

Hyd: Sir, he has such Segacity and Penetration that he can decypher a Lady's Affections, or a Statesman's Heart by a glance of the Eye; and has such profound critical Knowledge that he can pronounce upon a New Play the Moment he has heard the first Speech of it.

Sr. Con: Mr. Hydra is apt to think too well of his Friends Abilities Mr. Pasquin;-- it is his Foible; But however, I have some knowledge-- I am not in the common herd of Critics. I can give a tollerable Guess at most of the Productions in Art and Nature.

Pas: I believe it Sir; for your Mein, & Countenance, Dress and mannor of speaking, are an Index of Sagacity and Penetration.

Sr. Con: I shall give you my Opinion very freely; I know you intend to bring on some particular Characters from Our End of the Town-- Capt. Crimp-- Match Count Hunt-Bubble & that Knot-- To be sure they are all Sharpers, and deserve to be exposed-- but, they are what are called Men of Fashion-- You had better let them alone-- they are a Nest of Hornets-- You may be Stung to death by them-- they'll damn your Piece if they can do nothing else

Enter Miss Bashfull.

Pas: Sir, I thank you for your Caution-- I shall Act with Prudence.

Hyd: This, Sir, is Miss Bashfull, who is under the Tuition of Miss Brilliant, A Novice at present, but will in Time make a Shining Figure-- For She's a Genius-- but not ripe yet.

Bas. I, I, I, I,-- Assure You Mr. Pasquin-- I-- I-- I am mightily pleased with your Bill about A, a, aristo-- pha-- nes and-- Paskee-- in-- des. and the Per-- oration, I reckon they are very Comical-- Your hble. Sr.

Pas: Your Servant Madam.

Bash: (#To Miss Brilliant#) Well I never Spoke to a Poet before! Lord how frightened I was.

Enter Miss Brilliant.

Lord Mr. Hydra, I should laugh if the Audience shou'd take me for one of the Actresses-- but if they do I don't care; for I am resolved I'll See this Farce if I never See another.

Hyd: This Mr. Pasquin is the Sprightly Miss Brilliant, a Lady who pants to be acquainted with you; She is intimate with Mr. Garrick-- is known to the Fool, corresponds with Sir Alexander Drawcansir, and has writ several Admired Inspectors.

Brill: Yes, Mr. Pasquin the World is kind enough to say my Friend Prometheus has given me a little Flame, a small Portion-- A Spark-- A Ray of the Etherial-- that's all. I wish you wou'd come and breakfast with me One Morning. I wou'd shew you a little thing that wou'd please you, it is but a Trifle;-- but it is neat-- something like Sapho-- a Ia ne se quoi-- Do you know the Inspector.

Pas: No Madam.

Brill: Nor the Fool.

Pas: No Madam.

Brill. Nor Sir Alexander.

Pas: I am not so happy Madam.

Brill. I'll make them your Friends-- If I see them here to Night, I'll Introduce them to you. I am intimate with all the Genii in Town. but prithee what is this Piece of yours? it has excited vast Curiosity. Is it after the Manner of Aristophanes-- or Fielding-- or Foot's Pieces-- don't tell me-- I won't have my Pleasure Anticipated-- but I assure I shall applaud-- I am mighty glad I don't know what it is-- It is much pleasanter to be Surprized be it good or bad.

Enter Sir Eternal Grin.

Hyd: This, Mr. Pasquin is Sir Eternal Grin. He is what is call'd a good natured Man & extremely well bred-- So Polite he never frownd in his Life.

Grin. No, never in my Life I assure you Mr. Pasquin.

Hyd: He is an uncommon Favourite with the Ladies, And is never so happy as when they employ him.

Grin. No never Sir. ha, ha.

Hyd: His whole Life is spent in their Service, ev'ry Morning you may See him running from Play House to Play House, regulating the Box Book in Consequence of the Commissions he recieved over night for Places. that done he hurrys away to mill their Chocolate, toast their Muffins, make their Tea, and wait on them to the Mercers-- In the Evening you may See him in every part of the Play-House, handing then in and Out, and between every Act, whisking from Box to Box; whispering News and Appointments. thence to half a dozen, Drums and Routs; where, after loosing to them at Cards 'till two in the Morning, he has the happiness of seeing the dear Creatures to their Chairs, and then goes home as happy, as an Author after a Successfull first Night.

Grin. 'Tis true Mr. Pasquin as Mr. Hydra says my whole Life is devoted to the Service of the Fair. therefore I hope there is no Indelicacy, no severity, Satyr, or Ridicule against them in your Piece. if there be you must not take it Ill if I head a Party to damn it. ha, ha, ha.

Pas. Sir, I never Pollute my Productions with Invectives against the Fair. I am to the best of my poor Abilities, their constant Advocate. he, he, he, he. (#laughing & Mimicking him#).

Grin. Why then I am your Friend to perpetuity: as to other Characters you may take what Liberty you please with them. there is Hydra an Admiral Character-- he pretends to Taste-- but he is ignorant as-- dear Sir I can furnish you with a thousand such ridiculous Wretches so that you need not have recourse to the Ladies.

Pas: Sir I shall take particular Notice of Your Advice, and follow it implicitly. and shall be Obliged to you for a few Characters.

Grin. I'll send them to you depend upon it, your Servant (#turns to the Company#) this Pasquin is a very Sensible Fellow, and I believe will Please the Public-- for he minds what the Iudicious say to him.

Enter Sir Roger Ringwood.

Sr. Rog: Haux, haux, haux! hido, hido. Iack Hydra, yours.-- What is this ancient Chorus begun yet? this Farce after the manner of Aristotle and all the Heathen Gods.-- Zounds I am come twenty Miles, from a red-hot-Fox Chace, on purpose to see it. What the Devil is this Hotch-Potch? a Pantomime, or a Tragedy? I believe I shall Salute it with a Seranade-- tip it dead Hollow Haux, haux, dead, dead, dead & damned-- but who is this Pasquin?

Hyd: If you please I'll introduce you to him.

Sr. Rog: With all my heart.

Hyd: Sir this is the famous Sr. Roger Ringwood. a five bottle Man I assure you; remarkable for his Taste in dramatic Performances, & the loudest Voice that ever damn'd a Play.

Sr. Rog: Hem (#Hems very loud#) yes I have pretty good Lungs. hido, hido!

Hyd. Sr: I have known him fright a whole Box of Ladies into Fits with One blast of his Voice; drive the whole Party of an Author's Friends out of the Pit, with the tremendous Courage of a few Oaths; and have frequently heard him harangue an Audience on a first night with as much Applause as every Tully did the Romans-- Sir Roger this is ye Celebrated Seignior Pasquin.

Sr. Rog: Hum! dam me he looks like Mahomet Charratha going to dance the Rope. harkee Seignior-- what is this Medley of yours? this Covent Garden Theatre? Is it in Italian?

Pas: No, Sir.

Sr. Rog: In French?

Pas: Neither Sir.

Sr. Rog: Neither-- Why what the Devil Language is it in then?

Pas: English Sir.

Sr. Rog: English! Zounds I never heard of any English Farce with Greek Chorus's before. I reckon it is damn'd low Stuff.

Q Scrib: That it is I'll answer for it before I see it.

Sr. Rog: Harkee, Seignor, be it Tragedy or Farce I don't Care a Hare's Scut, so there is but Fun in it. but none of your French Fricassies according to Rule! haux, haux, my honies; give us a fair Burst of Fun, my dear, & we'll follow you for fifty nights end-ways, haux, haux, something of the Antients now-- Something of a-- a-- old Shakespear, or Horace, or Homer, or Ben Johnson, as they have at Drury Lane. do you hear-- Something that way & I'll engage it takes. but if it is any of your New Moral Stuff, according to Rule, I shall Tip it a dead Hollow, (#Hollows#) think of that and be dull if you dare.

Pas: Certainly such a Iudicious Patron as Sr. Roger Ringwood, must inspire both an Author and an Actor.

Enter Miss Diana Single-Life.

Hyd: This is Miss Diana Single-Life, a maiden Lady of Youth, Beauty, Chastity, & Erudition: who has read more Romances, Novels, Poems & Plays, than there are Acts of Parliament in ye English Language.

Diana: Yes, Mr. Pasquin I may venture to say, with the Strictest Propriety, that I have read as much as any Lady that has Existed in the Circle of Literature.-- not the great Daicer excepted: but I hope Mr. Pasquin you have nothing in your Exhibition that is Shocking to Chastity, no double Entendres in your Examinations; If you have I shall certainly explode them. You must know I was once perswaded to go to hear a Tryal for a Rape-- I vow I blush at the bare mention of the Word-- what wou'd you have of it-- in short I went;-- but I thought I shou'd have Swoon'd away upon the Spot, the Tryal was so full of double Entendres, and what the filthy Lawyers call-- Rems in Re-- --

Omn: Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Pas: Madam, you may assure your self that the Virgin Particles of Your Modesty shall never be Agitated by the Amorous Transparancy of Pasquin's Obscenity. (#Mimicking her#)

Hyd: Look, look, if the impudent Rogue is not taking the Old Maid Off to her face, & she does not See it.

Omn: Ha, ha, ha.

Dia. Sir, I am your humble--

Pas. Your devoted--

Dia. And immense Admirer.

Pas. And superlatively honour'd humble Servant.

(#She is going to the Company but turns short to Pasquin#)

Dia. O Mr. Pasquin I had like to have forgot, I must give you a hint, as you intend to Satyrize the vicious & the ridiculous, that may be useful to you. that Lady You See there is the greatest Coquet in Town. She is the Noted Miss Brilliant that is Supposed to be well with his Grace, and the Old General-- there are several others talk'd of, but the World you know is censorious-- Upon my Honour I don't believe any Body but his Grace and the General ever had any Connexion with her.

Pas. Your Ladyship is very tender in thinking so-- but it is certain Sir Harry and she were least together in a Bagnio one Masquerade Night.

Dia. Why, that I knew to be true, Mr. Pasquin, but I did not care to say all I know, because I wou'd not be thought Censorious-- that Young Lady with her, Miss Bashful, has a very fine Boy at Nurse, above half a year Old. but very few Knew any thing of it.-- And she is now going to be marry'd to the North Country Knight-- It wou'd be pity to speak of it-- She will pass upon him-- he's a very great Blockhead and She is good enough for him-- For he was not born in Wedlock himself.

Pas. They will be a very proper Match, Madam.

Dia. Most proper, Your humble Servant Seignior.

Pas. Your Lordships most Obedient.

Hyd. This, Mr. Pasquin, is a plain honest Citizen. He is called honest Solomon Common Sense; If you can please him, and make him Your friend, he can influence a large Number in your Favour; which will be of more Service to you than the Approbation of all the Pitt-- Maitres, Critics, and Wou'd-be Witts, from St. James's to White Chappel.

Pas. I have often heard of the Gentleman, he is in great Esteem amongst Our best Critics abroad, and I shall make it my particular Study to merit his Approbation.

Com. Mr. Pasquin you have it already. I like your manner of exposing the Follies of the Public extremely. Your making the Theatre the Scene of Action, and the Censure and Approbation of the Audience the Chorusses to your Characters upon the Stage, is quite New, and very happily immagin'd. But now you have made us acquainted with your Characters. I think the sooner you throw them into Action and come to a Conclusion the better.

Pas. Sir your Criticism is very just; And if Marforio is return'd I will proceed to an Examination of the Culprits and close for this night. (#Goes to ye side of the Scene#) Promptor, is Marforio come back?

Prom. No Sir.

Pas. Gentlemen & Ladies, I cannot possibly proceed till he returns. I reckon he will be here in about five Minutes; till then I shall take it as a Favour if you will step into the Green Room; and, in the mean time The Musick, by way of Act Tune, may play God save Great George Our King, to keep the Audience in Humour.

Omn: Admirable! with all Our Hearts. God save the King. (#Ext Singing God save Great George#)

Act. 2.

Enter. All the Characters.

Pas. Gentlemen and Ladies, pray take Your Places, and now Marforio make your return.

Mar. Why, this being Masquerade Night there are no Drums or Routs. So we have taken up but a very few-- But, as I return'd me Guide led me to the other Play House, from whence, by the unanimous Consent of the Audience I have brought away a disorderly Lady.

Pas. Produce her.

Marforio brings on Miss Giggle.

Miss Brill. Miss Giggle as I live, dear Creature what brings you here?

Gig. This Exotic Gentleman, by an Authority from Apollo, as he says----

Omn. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Pas. Pray what is the Lady's Offence?

Mar. Disturbing the Audience.

Pas. In what manner.

Gig. Why, I'll tell you Mr. Pasquin. You must know the Play was a Tragedy; and several of the Audience were ridiculous enough to cry at it-- And so Sr. Charles Empty and I were diverting Our selves with laughing at the various Strange Tragical Faces the Animals, exhibited, that's all.

Omn. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Gig. Upon this the Goths fell a hissing-- & cry'd out-- out-- out--

Sr. Eter. O the Savages!

Mar. But there is a further Charge against this Lady; She is said to be a common Nusance at the Theatres; and that She frequently Sets the whole House in a Titter to the Confusion of the Actors, & the general disturbance of the Audience, by constantly exposing her Nudities to Publick View, contrary to the Ideas of female Modesty, and the Laws of Decency.

Miss Dy. O fye Seignior, how can you make use of so indelicate an Expression. A Lady's Nudities, why, you might as well have said-- I vow it is almost plain English, I protest such an Expression is enough to get your Farce hiss'd off the Stage--

Pas. I am extremely Sorry the Phrase offends your Ladyship, but if you will Substitute any other.

Dia. I think Mr. Drawcansir when those Objects are to be expos'd that-- a Lady's Proturberances, her Snow balls, or her Lover's Amusements-- wou'd be much more delicate.

Sr. Rog. You are very right Madam, and if they happen to be of the immense kind-- Cupid's Kettle Drums Mr. Pasquin, wou'd not be an-- unelegant Phrase, ha, ha, ha.

Omn. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Pas. Your Ladyship is quite right, go on with the Charge.

Mar. That the moment this Lady appears in the Boxes the grave part of the fair Sex are seen to put their Fans before their Faces; and are heard to whisper one another-- Lud what an indecent Sight Miss Giggle's Neck is-- It is really quite obscene! I wonder somebody does not tell her of it, then the Men, they are all in a high Grin; and the Smarts are frequently heard to roar out-- O Gad-- they are ravishingly White, and smooth as polish'd Marble!

Dia. Mr. Pasquin observing upon the whiteness or smoothness of a Lady's Circumstances is not so Chaste as I cou'd wish.

Pas. Your Ladyship is in the Right, pray omit those Amorous Exclamations; for tho' they may be the genuin Language of the Smarts, and may be thought Wit and Humour amongst themselves, yet upon the Stage such warm Expressions will be Condemned.

Gig. Well, Mr. Pasquin, what is Your Highness's Censure upon this dreadfull Affair. ha, ha, ha.

Pas. Upon my word Madam, I see no Crime in a desire to please; which I suppose was Your Ladyship's Motive. on the Contrary, I have always heard it asserted by the Iudicious in dress, that a fine Woman can never shew too much--

Gig. Sir I am infinitely Obliged to you, (#bowing very low#) for your Compliment.

Dia. Mr. Pasquin, you will forfeit my good Opinion-- I assure you, if you encourage such proceedings. This Lady's indecency is remarkable, and, for public Example, you ought to have Satyriz'd her severely; for there are a Set of them go about on purpose to Exhibit as the Men Phrase it.

Sr. Rog. You are very right Madam and if there be not a stop put to it, they may in time become Adamites, and go without so much as a Fig leaf.

Pas. It is a very great Offence against the Laws of Decency to be sure Madam, and in my next Piece I shall give the Coquets no Quarter.-- Your next Culprit Marfario.

Mar. I as Extraordinary a ffigure as ever was Exhibited upon a Theatre. here, Desire that naked Lady to walk in.

Dia. O Heav'ns! a naked Lady:-- Why sure Mr. Pasquin, you don't mean to expose such an Object.

Sr. Rog. Zounds, let her come in.

Omn. Ay, ay, produce her, produce her.

Sr. Rog. Lets have her. lets have her! of all things let us have a naked Lady-- If she be-- handsome Pasquin I'll engage your Farce runs a hundred Nights-- I'll hold a Hogshead of Claret to a Gill, she pleases more than the Ostrich.

Sr. Et: Why, Mr. Pasquin, you will frighten all the Ladies out of the Boxes. I see several of them now that are ready to faint at the bare Idea of a naked Object.