Part 2

EIGHTH PUPIL. I should think that any fellar that spins a top 'ud be a spinster.

COM. Wal, you've got me there, youngster. I reckon ye're right. Next, tell me the meaning of excruciating.

GIRL (_glibly_). Excruciating means that natural and peculiar prohibition of undulatory and molecular attraction which encompasses the plausibility of capillary promulgation and gelatinous hyperbole, while giving an enallage of paradigms.

COM. That's a likely gal. You'll make a good housekeeper one of these days. Ef my wife hed sech a mem'ry as that, I shouldn't carry her letters in my pocket tu weeks before mailin' 'em.

SAME PUPIL. Yes, sir; thank you, sir. But I don't quite understand what it means by "encompassing the plausibility of capillary promulgation"!

COM. Oh--ahem!--that is very simple--ahem! ahem! in fact it is simplicity itself. It means--it means--well, I don't want to overtax your young brain, my dear, so I will not explain now; but one of these days, when you are as wise as me and your teacher, you will understand all these profound thoughts. Hain't that so, Mr. Snodgrass? Next, _terbacker_.

SEVENTH PUPIL. T-e-r, _ter_--b-a-c-k, _back_--_terback_--k-e-r, _ker_--_terbacker_. A poisonous leaf with niggertine in it; and ef the niggertine gets into the cistern, it'll kill a man quicker'n a dog.

FIRST PUPIL. I don't believe it's a poison. My brother smokes and he ain't dead; 'nd my father's fifty years old 'nd he's smoked for most forty years 'nd he ain't dead yet.

FOURTH PUPIL. Pooh! That's nothing. Ef your father hedn't smoked, he mighter been a hundred by this time.

EIGHTH PUPIL. My grandfather's ninety years old and he's smoked too!

FOURTH PUPIL. Well, and ef _my_ grandfather was alive he'd be a hundred and fifty years old! So that don't prove nothing.

THIRD PUPIL. Tobacco ain't no poisoner nor pickles, anyhow. (_Groan from the girls._) I went into the store t'other day to get some pickles for ma, and a feller--he was one o' them city chaps that sells things--and he said, "You ain't going to eat them sour green things, are you?" and I said, "No, I hain't; why?" And he told me of a girl seventeen years old who eat pickuls and died! (_Horrified look on girls' faces._) And they opened her stummick and them pickuls had turned everything in it tu glass!! (_Confusion and whispering among the girls. They indignantly shake their heads and say, "I don't believe it," etc., etc._)

COM. Order! (_Pounding table._) Order! The next may explain "_phenomena_."

GIRL (_glibly_). Phenomena is that immaculate preponderance of preternatural possibility as to make an exaggerated conception of auxiliary precedents, and oleaginous metamorphosis into an indivisible synthetical analysis.

COM. That's putty good. You hev exceeded my suspicions and I am disguised that yu should du so well. This is the most supernatural class I ever seen. Mr. Snodgrass, I congratterlate you on sech ambiguous pupils. Gee there now and take yer seats. (_Class pass to seats._) Neow yeou ain't got no little song you can sing, hev ye?

CHORUS. Yes, yes, our Motion Song!

COM. Wal, I wouldn't mind hearing it, Mr. Snodgrass, ef it's conwenient.

TEACHER. You may all put away your books.

BOY (_laughing_). He! he! he!

TEACHER. Robert, stand! Explain what you were laughing at.

ROBERT (_half laughing and half crying_). Nappy Jones says that Seth Green's striped stockings make him look like a barber's pole!

COM. (_laughing_). Wal, he's only a leetle shaver, anyhow! Ain't that so, Seth?

SETH. Yes sir! (_Doubling up fists and threatening_ N. JONES.) You jest wait till I ketch you after school! (_Said in an undertone._)

TEACHER. Robert, go out in the shed and chop to-morrow's wood. I'll excuse you the rest of the morning. (_Exit_ ROBERT.)

SETH. Teacher, can I help him?

TEACHER. Yes. (_Exit_ SETH, _who grimaces at_ JONES _as he goes out._)

(_The_ TEACHER _now takes tuning-fork and gives the pitch. The new scholars, without creating any disturbance, can make ludicrous attempts to take the movements with the others. As the singing begins the_ COMMITTEE-MAN _rises, whereupon a boy immediately takes his hat from the floor and puts it in the chair he has just vacated._)

RECREATION SONG.

TUNE.--"When Johnny comes marching home again."--

MOTIONS. (1.) School rise and stand erect. (2.) Raise hands ready to strike. (3.) Clap hands in correct time. (4.) Turn round twice while repeating this line. (5.) Tread, left and right foot. (6.) Right arm across waist, left at side. (7.) Touch right hand to forehead, like military salute. (8.) Keep marching time with feet. (9.) Raise hands, palms out, spread fingers. (10.) Hands on hips, elbows out, look sideways at each other. (11.) Make a low bow. (12.) Hop lightly on each foot. (13.) Let arms hang and swing. (14.) Fold arms, grow sleepy. (15.) Drop heads. (16.) Glide into seats, sing slowly and softly, nodding heads, and diminishing tone gradually to last note, finally resting arms on the desks and supporting heads asleep. After a moment of dead silence, teacher may strike bell suddenly, when all must raise heads (17.) and hands as if frightened and go on (all seated). (18.) Rub eyes with knuckles. (19.) Take books hurriedly. (20.) Turn leaves quickly with thumbs. (21.) Throw heads from side to side with careless good-nature. The last line of every verse should be repeated.

(1.) With shoulders erect and toes turned out, Hurrah! Hurrah! Now let us in unison gayly shout, Hurrah! Hurrah! (2.) With hands upraised as we sing the rhyme, (3.) We strike them together to keep the time, ||: (4.) And we'll wheel quite round while singing our motion song. :||

(5.) Now left and right we'll march along, Hurrah! Hurrah! We fill the air with our merry song, Hurrah! Hurrah! (6.) We carry our muskets like heroes of old, (7.) Saluting our captain so brave and so bold, ||: (8.) And we march, march, march while singing our motion song. :||

(9.) Our fingers and thumbs are eight and two, Hurrah! Hurrah! There's plenty of work for them to do, Hurrah! Hurrah! (10.) With elbows akimbo and looks so shy, (11.) We bow to our partners so gracefully, ||: (12.) And we hop and dance while singing our motion song.:||

(13.) As back and forth our arms we throw, Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! It's pretty hard work now, you may know, Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! (14.) For trying our best our eyes open to keep, (15.) We drop all our heads as if going to sleep, ||: (16.) And we nod, nod, nod, while singing our motion song.:||

(17.) What terrible noise is that we hear? Dear me! Dear me! (18.) We've all been snoozing, that's quite clear. Dear me! Dear me! (19.) So let us take books and be ready for work, (20.) For we are not willing our lessons to shirk, ||: (21.) Though it's jolly good fun, when singing our motion song.: ||

COM. Very good, children, very good. Yew hev a very well behaved school, Mr. Snodgrass. (_Sits down on his hat, crushing it all out of shape. Pupils all laugh._ COM. _picks it up and points at it indignantly. TEACHER apologizes in pantomime._ COM. _resentfully turns and starts to set it on the stove, but burns himself in so doing. Pupils laugh._ COM. _shakes his fist at them and exit[s] angrily._)

BOY (_raising hand_). Teacher, Matildy Weeks keeps laughing at me.

TEACHER. You shouldn't look at her, then.

BOY. She'll laugh to some other feller ef I don't. (_Grins._)

(GIRL _near_ CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS FITTS _laughs aloud._)

TEACHER. Mehitable, was that you laughed?

MEHIT. Yes, sir. I couldn't help it. (_Laughs._) Christopher Columbus asked me if I loved carrots. (_All look at_ C. C., _who is vainly trying to hide an immense carrot by putting it in his pocket._)

TEACHER. Bring that this way, sir.

C. C. F. (_presenting the carrot_). Y-y-you c-c-c-can h-h-have it! I d-d-d-don't want it!

TEACHER. I think the best punishment I can give you, Christopher, for your disobedience is to make you eat it before the class.

CHRIS. (_in dismay_). I d-d-didn't b-b-b-b-b-bring it t-t-to eat m-m-myself. The d-d-doctor s-s-s-said I m-mustn't eat one more c-c-c-c-carrot. If I d-d-did I would d-d-die! I d-d-don't want to d-d-die! (_Crying._)

TEACHER. I'll let you off on one condition, and that is that you'll bring a cabbage to-morrow morning to go with it.

CHRIS. Y-yes, s-sir. I'll bring t-t-t-two! (_Is sent to seat, rejoicing._)

BOY. Is Squire Small's cane a piece of the North Pole?

TEACHER. Joseph, when will you ever learn anything? If you studied your lessons you never would ask such a question.

JOSEPH. I didn't see nothing 'bout Squire Small's cane in my book.

TEACHER. I told you to prepare a composition for to-day. How many are ready? (_No response for a second; then boy near_ JONES _points at him and says, "Nappy Jones has."_ JONES _shakes his head and pretends that he hasn't, until called out by the teacher, when he produces from his pocket a strip of paper about two yards long which he proceeds to unroll. The top is tied with a strip of bright-colored calico in imitation of graduation essays. He makes an awkward bow to the audience and reads:_)

COMPOSITION ON BOYS.

(I didn't want ter write this compersition, but pa said I must 'cause he wants me ter be a lawyer one of these days. This is a hard world fur boys, anyway. It doesn't make no diffrunce what a boy does or says, he's sure ter get inter trouble.)

'Tain't so with girls. Everything girls does is right. I wish't I was a girl. I'm the only boy in our family, 'nd it's a awful responsibility to be the only boy. I've got three sisters, but they're all girls. Sis and Tom Golder took me to the city t'other day, and we took our dinner at a bang-up hotel, I tell you. When the waiter arsked me ef I'd hev the bill of fare I said, "Thank you," jest as perlite as I knew how, but it made Sis mad b'cause I told him "Only a little piece, please." How'd I know what it was, when they hev sech outlandish names fur things! Tom larfed and larfed; but I told the waiter he mustn't mind him; he was my sister's feller, and I guessed he warn't used ter city ways; but he was all right and as rich as a Jew. Everybody but Sis at that was hotel seemed good-natured. The waiter was orful jolly, too. I pointed out to him a sickly-looking chap--Tom said he was a dude--at an opposite table and told him that dude was eating the bouquet, and how that feller larft! He said it was only celery, and wouldn't I like some, but I told him, "No, thank you, I'd ruther hev my greens cooked." On the way home Sis took off her hat and put it on the seat in front of her, without saying anything to me about it. Ov course when I sot down that hat was right under me and feather 'nd all was jambed flatter'n a pancake. Tom larfed, but Sis didn't. He said he guessed I thort I was a-sittin' on the style. When I got home I felt's if I'd been a-settin' on a hornet's nest. Pa's the most onreasonable man I ever seen! He told me one day not ter pick another flower outer the garding without leave; so next time I was jest as keerful as I could be 'nd picked 'em all _with_ leaves. Perhaps you won't believe it, but I got a thrashing fur that. Then one dark night, as pa and me went out ter the barn, pa run against a post, and he said he wished that darned post was in the lower regions; but I told him he'd better not wish it there, fur he might run into it again. But what's the use o' trying to help your relations? I hed to go to bed a week right after supper, jest fur that. But I'd ruther do that than hev ma talk to me, she's so orful sober about it. She finished up a long talk last Sunday night with, "I hev tried to give you every advantage, Napoleon, and this is how you treat me;" and I said, "Of course I wouldn't take advantage of my ma," 'nd I vum ef she didn't tell pa of that. It's orful discouraging to be a boy. I sha'n't try very much longer. I shall be glad when I'm a lawyer, 'cause then I can be as wicked as I want to. (_Bows and returns to seat._)

(_School then sings "Auld Lang Syne," and having been dismissed by_ TEACHER, _exeunt with characteristic noise._)

CURTAIN.

End of Project Gutenberg's The Country School, by Martha Russell Orne