SCENE V.

_Another Room in the same House._

_Enter_ SMUGGLER.

_Smug._ Oh, this damned tide-waiter! A ship and cargo worth five thousand pounds! Why, 'tis richly worth five hundred perjuries.

_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR.

_Sir H._ Dear Mr. Alderman, I'm your most devoted and humble servant.

_Smug._ My best friend, Sir Harry, you're welcome to England.

_Sir H._ I'll assure you, sir, there's not a man in the king's dominions I am gladder to meet, dear, dear Mr. Alderman. [_Bowing very low._

_Smug._ Oh, lord, sir, you travellers have the most obliging ways with you!

_Sir H._ There is a business, Mr. Alderman, fallen out, which you may oblige me infinitely by----I am very sorry that I am forced to be troublesome; but necessity, Mr. Alderman----

_Smug._ Ay, sir, as you say, necessity----But, upon my word, sir, I am very short of money at present; but----

_Sir H._ That's not the matter, sir; I'm above an obligation that way: but the business is, I'm reduced to an indispensable necessity of being obliged to you for a beating----Here, take this cudgel.

_Smug._ A beating, Sir Harry! ha! ha! ha! I beat a knight baronet! an alderman turn cudgel-player! Ha! ha! ha!

_Sir H._ Upon my word, sir, you must beat me, or I cudgel you; take your choice.

_Smug._ Pshaw! pshaw! you jest.

_Sir H._ Nay, 'tis sure as fate----So, Alderman, I hope you'll pardon my curiosity. [_Strikes him._

_Smug._ Curiosity! Deuce take your curiosity, sir!--What d'ye mean?

_Sir H._ Nothing at all; I'm but in jest, sir.

_Smug._ Oh, I can take any thing in jest! but a man might imagine, by the smartness of the stroke, that you were in downright earnest.

_Sir H._ Not in the least, sir; [_Strikes him._] not in the least, indeed, sir.

_Smug._ Pray, good sir, no more of your jests; for they are the bluntest jests that ever I knew.

_Sir H._ [_Strikes._] I heartily beg your pardon, with all my heart, sir.

_Smug._ Pardon, sir! Well, sir, that is satisfaction enough from a gentleman. But, seriously, now, if you pass any more of your jests upon me, I shall grow angry.

_Sir H._ I humbly beg your permission to break one or two more. [_Strikes him._

_Smug._ Oh, lord, sir, you'll break my bones! Are you mad, sir? Murder, felony, manslaughter! [SIR HARRY _knocks him down_.

_Sir H._ Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons; but I am absolutely compelled to it, upon my honour, sir: nothing can be more averse to my inclinations, than to jest with my honest, dear, loving, obliging friend, the Alderman.

[_Striking him all this while_: SMUGGLER _tumbles over and over_.

_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL.

_Lady L._ Oh, lord! Sir Harry's murdering the poor old man.

_Smug._ Oh, dear madam, I was beaten in jest, till I am murdered in good earnest.

_Lady L._ Oh! you barbarous man!--Now the devil take you, Sir Harry, for not beating him harder--Well, my dear, you shall come at night, and I'll make you amends. [_Here_ SIR HARRY _takes Snuff_.

_Smug._ Madam, I will have amends before I leave the place----Sir, how durst you use me thus!

_Sir H._ Sir?

_Smug._ Sir, I say that I will have satisfaction.

_Sir H._ With all my heart. [_Throws Snuff into his Eyes._

_Smug._ Oh, murder! blindness! fire! Oh, madam, madam, get me some water. Water! fire! fire! water! [_Exit with_ LADY LUREWELL.

_Sir H._ How pleasant is resenting an injury without passion! 'Tis the beauty of revenge.

No spleen, no trouble, shall my time destroy: Life's but a span, I'll ev'ry inch enjoy. [_Exit._

ACT THE THIRD.